Chapter 30: Lovesong (Adele)

Mami's sopa had done the trick. Once she took my dishes away and came back with a fresh set of pajamas for me to change into, I laid back in bed and fell asleep faster than I can ever remember. My dreams were filled with situation after situation of me, the baby, and Q or Sandra. Never was B there and I couldn't stop crying.

On and on, I went until I felt her body surrounding mine and peace filled me.

When I woke up, her scent surrounded me, but she was nowhere to be found.

"Mami?" I called out into the dark room.

The door opened slightly and in peaked her face.

"Ana, what's wrong?"

"Where...Brittany...was she?" I was so disoriented.

"Yes, she was here about an hour ago. She dropped in to check on you after practice, she helped me clean you up...you got sick in your sleep."

I felt my clothes and sure enough I was completely changed.

"Why she leave?" I mumbled, reaching over to turn on my bedside lamp, so I could refocus my eyes.

"She mentioned getting home to break the news to her parents."

"Oh."

"Do you need anything? Hungry?"

"What time is it?"

"It's just five."

I rolled out of bed and had to steady myself on the bedpost when I felt lightheaded.

Mami rushed to me and grabbed my elbow.

"Where are you going?"

"I have things to do, homework and I need a new phone...I need to talk to Britt."

She put a hand to my forehead and then shook her head.

"You need some more rest."

"Mami, please, I'm fine!"

"Ay, mi'ja, you are way too stubborn for your own good."

"I know...look...I promise that I will find time to rest. I even got excused from school for the week, just please don't take away the moments that make me feel independent...please?"

"Santana, I just want to help. How can I help?"

"Fine, can you go to the mall and get me the newest iPhone. Just take my broken one and tell them I want to replace it. That's it."

"How do I...will they need to talk to you?"

"No, Mami, just...here I will write them a note and give you my debit card."

I took my time walking out to the kitchen and grabbing a note pad off the counter. I scribbled out a note and then rummaged through my wallet until I found the debit card I had only ever used to deposit money. I hadn't touched my New York money, except to get this place and now I was using it again. My plan was to use it and replace it with money that I had earned without selling myself.

Only, I didn't actually have a job or any assets...I needed to think about that now that I would have to feed not just myself but the kid.

"You okay?" Mami asked, snapping me out of my rabbit hole.

"Yes, give them your phone too and get a matching phone. Don't forget to get cases...can you handle that?"

"Of course, I have a law degree, how hard can it be."

"Harder than you think."

"And what will you do while I'm gone, I've already cleaned from top to bottom."

"Probably just watch reruns of the Jersey Shore...something mindless."

"Good."

Having unfinished work has always distracted me from moving forward. That pet peeve is the reason that I tried to wait until things were done with Marco before moving on with Britt but on my own I make terrible relationship decisions. That's why I was allowing myself to rely on Brittany. Only she was about to leave, and I didn't really know how to deal with that can of worms.

So, I focused on something I could control. I sat at the kitchen table with my laptop and finished a paper that was due last week, that I was lucky enough to get an extension for. The rest of my homework was stuff I could catch up on at the end of the week, but I didn't want another extension. So, I completed the paper, double checked it for errors and emailed it to my teacher, letting her know that I wouldn't be back in class until next week. I knew that everyone was giving me the opportunity to grieve but I just couldn't throw myself into the whole mourning thing until this was done, I felt like a better way to honor my father was for me to become the person that he wanted me to become and to work hard.

While my heart ached at the loss of his presence, I knew that I needed to get through this in my own way and in my own time.

Once I was finished with that, I decided to take a shower and change into actual clothes because when Mami got back, I had every intention of leaving. I had expected her to be gone for at least two hours because phone stuff always took forever but Mami made it back in record time and told me that the guy at the Apple store was able to pull up the data from my old phone and transfer it over.

She looked so excited to have an upgraded phone and thankfully only got herself a colorful case.

With my new phone in my hands, I felt like things were starting to look up.

Now I just needed to figure out what I had missed in the real world since I had nothing else to do.

Mami, with her endless effort to keep herself occupied while I was at school had cleaned this place better than I ever had. I kind of like having her around but I wasn't sure that I could stay in this apartment...so confined with her hovering. She was reaching out to the piece of her life that was created by her love with my father.

Me and I couldn't turn her away.

She'd been married to him longer than she had ever been single and that kind of absence, is something I hope to never have to live through.

"Why don't you relax, Mami...put your feet up and watch some crappy television with me."

We sat together through only one episode of the Kardashians and she looked horrified.

And while I was finding amusement in all her questions, I was itching to know what was going on in the world.

Hola, Q, new phone finally.-S

You okay?-Q

Moment to moment.-S

That's more than enough. I love you-Q

I LOVE YOU-S

Hey B, I finally got a new phone. What are you up to?-Ana

Breadstix w/ my parents, we just got here. Celebrating wanna come join us?-B

I don't want to intrude.-Ana

I'm coming 2 get u if u don't get ur butt here. Our baby needs 2 eat. Have u eaten 2day?-B

I had a little bit of soup.-Ana

All day?-B

Yea.-Ana

Not good enough. I will order 4 u.-B

Getting changed then headed to the car see you soon babe-Ana

:) love u-B

Naturally, when I told Mami that I was headed to Breadstix she invited herself along and since I was in such a great mood after our heart to heart earlier, I didn't protest, besides I didn't want to leave her alone and she got my phone for me. She earned this night out and my apartment could only get so clean before she ran out of things to dust.

I think asking her to come out with me, made her feel like we were besties and right now I was willing to do anything to keep her busy. So, I sat in the car and waited for my mom to come downstairs because she insisted that she needed to get fabulous.

It must be in the genes, except lately I just didn't feel like being in anything but my track suit, so that's what I was wearing even though I wasn't planning on managing any cheerios tonight.

When my mom got in the car she started looking around like she had never seen a car before even though I took her and Papi to the airport in it. To her though it was somehow new, maybe it was the lighting, either way, I couldn't help but chuckle.

This was a testament to the fact that we hadn't spent nearly enough time together.

"This car is gorgeous mi'ja."

"Um thanks. It's just like Papi's, you've been in it before. Are you sure that you are okay with going out to dinner?"

"Yes, well that was early morning, I can't remember everything. Besides, it is well past time for me to get acquainted with the Pierces'."

"That's pretty awesome of you."

"I know that and, I just don't want to be alone right now. You understand that, right?"

"Of course, Mami, I totally understand."

We walked up to the table and Britt's dad stood up to pull out a chair for my mother while Britt pulled out a chair for me.

It was a great first impression on her.

They had met casually but this would be the first time that they sat and talked to one another.

Mami squeezed in next to Susan and I sat next to my boo, while her dad looked just as content at the end of the table. When I smiled at him he stuck out his tongue and then winked. I just smiled back. It always felt good to be in the company of the Pierce family. The bond that they had with each other was something that I wanted to have with my own kid.

"Where's your sister?" I whispered to B.

"She's out with her friends, you remember 12, she thinks she's the coolest kid on Earth."

"That's because she is." Susan said and then rolled her eyes.

Mami jumped right in with an embarrassing story about me at that age. The conversations just seemed to flow the whole meal, with Mami fitting in seamlessly.

I had initially thought that dinner would be awkward and that my mom would end up embarrassing me, but she was polite and kind of funny.

Who knew?

I really liked my mom today, she had me smiling so much that my face was hurting.

Britt reached under the table and linked her pinky with mine and it felt like everything was as it should be in that moment.

Like we were becoming a family.

She leaned in and whispered in my ear exactly what I needed to hear.

"No matter what happens I will always love you."

I felt the tears trying to come and I rolled my eyes at her.

"Don't you make me start crying because I won't be able to stop."

"This is the you I've always seen beneath your vicious words, I hope it never stops."

And then I was glaring, and the tears dried right up.

After dinner my mom asked me to take her home to the big house instead of the apartment, insisting that she had done all that she could do at my place and that I needed some alone time. She also said that being around the Pierces' and seeing their happiness reminded her of all the good moments with my father and being home at the house would help her feel closer to him.

It seemed like she was beginning to accept that he was gone and that she was ready for some alone time, which I completely understood. Still, I was nervous about leaving her alone in that big ass house, but she promised that she would call me if she felt like it was too much.

She didn't know though, not like I did just how haunting that house can be when you are alone, so as I drove away, I called Sandra and asked if she wouldn't mind stopping in and maybe staying with Mami.

I knew that she was the only one that I could ask because they got along crazy well and also because staying at the same hotel with my other sisters was probably driving her up a wall. I had told her that she was free to stay at my place, something I had said to all of them, but they wanted to be together and there just wasn't enough space in my two-bedroom apartment.

Who was I to argue?

Even though she had school in the morning Britt begged her parents to let her stay the night with me. They knew that I wasn't going in, but they didn't really mind since I was literally steps away from the school. Also, my dad had just died so they didn't want to see my pout.

Britt hugged them so hard and then she jumped up and down like we were kids again.

Mami had laughed at her and then hugged her so tight, I think Britt coming over was also part of her reasoning for wanting to go home and be alone. She was respecting me as an adult in that moment and I loved her the more for it.

After dropping Mami off, I met B at home and waited with her while she packed her bag, sneaking in more than just one night's clothes. I knew it was wishful thinking on her part and I have never been one to shit on Britt's dreams. If her parents let her, she'd be living with me full time, but I knew that was pushing it.

My head was hurting, and my body felt weary, Mami had been right, I did need more rest, but I was patient as Britt fed Lord Tubbs. That cat was a deal breaker for me and I hoped that he stayed right in Lima when we left because I couldn't really stand him, I even tried to convince her that he could stand to starve a little bit after she decided to give him a lecture on eating all his food.

She knew I was restless, but she still took her time and I felt like she was trying to teach me a lesson in waiting but she was choosing the wrong time.

After she got her books and a clean Cheerios uniform we FINALLY headed straight to my place and she kept her hand in my lap the whole car ride.

Just like that, all my agitation faded because it was amazing to be able to take B back to my place with no parents lingering around corners and no open-door policies.

As soon as we stepped inside the apartment, Britt trapped me against the door and pressed her lips to mine, she appreciated us having our own space to be alone just as much as I did, and it showed. I locked the door and melted in her kiss.

What had been a body ready to collapse a few minutes ago was now a body that ached for her touch.

I shivered as she ran her hands along my sides and when she paused as she reached my stomach, I looked at her and smiled.

Was she really all in?

She lifted my shirt over my head, tossing it to the side and then knelt in front of me. I rested my hand on her shoulder as she kissed my stomach a thousand times mumbling I love you.

As I looked down at her and for the first time I could imagine her as a mom and as my wife.

"Marry me." The words had passed my lips before I could stop them but then Britt looked up at me with tears in her eyes and simply nodded. I didn't feel any regret because I knew that I had meant those words with all my heart.

"Yes, as soon as I get back from the tour."

I felt a pang in my chest and a cold feeling wash over me, did I really want to tie myself to her life? Were we too young?

The reality was that I was missing her already even while I had her right here in front of me. She stood to her feet, trapping my face between her hands as she kissed me, urgently, like she needed to prove something to me and I was praying that she could love me so good that my doubts stopped resurfacing.

She kept brushing her fingers along my stomach and then lifted me, I wrapped my legs around her waist and she carried me straight to bed. She kept kissing my neck and shoulders until we were in bed, naked and panting.

In my excitement, I managed to tackle her and then got her arms pinned above her head. Topping her was just something that I had never managed, and I was hoping that maybe now, with me asking her to marry me first that she'd let me.

I kissed her face and her neck concentrating on poring all my love into this act, she held onto my waist and then the tears poured from her eyes.

And I froze, pulling back and staring down at her with everything suddenly feeling like it was going wrong.

Didn't she want this?

"Are you okay Britt?"

"I'm just so happy, that's it. This was all I wanted."

"Me too, Britt Britt."

She pulled me down into a kiss and then with her swift dancer's legs she rolled us over and was now straddling me.

This time she pinned my hands above me, there was a wicked look in her eye and she was grinning.

Had I just been played?

She made her way back down past my stomach, lifted my legs onto her shoulders and then slipped my panties off me and looked down at me like I was her dessert.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that I had just been played.

She licked her lips and then leaned down and kissed me one more time before she made her way back down.

I felt her kiss one thigh and then the other before she began to tease me by kissing everywhere but that sweet spot where I needed her most.

"Britt please?" I begged, my whole body was sensitive to every action she made, and I was becoming delirious and when I was near tears, she finally began to blow on the wetness that was dripping from me and I let out a low moan. She growled at me and then began to lick and suck and touch me.

When her fingers made their way inside of me, I was panting.

"Let go, Ana."

"Yes...yes...yes...yesssssss. So close" I felt her everywhere, it had never felt this amazing before. I was addicted to how she manipulated my body as I moaned and gripped the sheets.

"Come for me babe." She said, I screamed out her name as I came undone.

I reached for her head as she kissed my thighs again.

"Come up here Britt. Let me make love to you."

She crawled up my body and collapsed down beside me.

I hugged her tight and pulled her into me, ready to rock her world for the first time in forever. Last night aside, I hadn't been allowed to taste her or fuck her like she deserved since camp, so when I reached for her shirt and she pulled away my heart ached.

"It's okay Ana. I can't. You know I really want to but it's just that time for me." I nodded my head in understanding but not believing...not really.

Even now, she still wasn't giving herself to me fully and instead of questioning it, I just pulled her close again and rubbed her back.

She buried her head against my chest and covered me with kisses.

Finally, she came up to my face and kissed the tip of my nose, there were still tears in her eyes...fresh ones.

Why was she holding back, even now?

I had to trust. I had to let her love me, let her love fill me and I needed to believe that when the time was right, she'd let me all the way in.

"Okay rain check then, B?"

"Definitely."

"Are you sleepy at all?"

"Nope, my mind is going crazy thinking about this tour and everything that it could mean for my career."

"Yea, I have been having similar thoughts but more about what it could mean for us."

"Are you sure that you are okay with me going away?"

"Yea. I will miss you like crazy, but this is something huge, I'll manage."

"Yea but it's for a long time Ana. I mean crazy long, I talked to the choreographer this afternoon about the schedule."

"How long is long, exactly?"

"So, seven months away, six months back in the US, four and a half months away again. So, the whole thing takes almost two years, from start to finish. That's not including the practicing...there's a lot of that too."

"Wow, at least we have that six months you're back in the US, right? What about practicing before the tour?"

"Oh yea, I will start during Thanksgiving break."

"B that's in a couple weeks, so soon?"

"Yeah."

"Will you at least be here for Thanksgiving?"

"I'll be in Chicago with my family."

"Oh."

"I will make time for you, Ana. I will always make room for you and our baby, I promise you that much."

I nodded, and I pulled her even tighter into me and just hummed to her as I began to silently cry.

This baby was turning me into a big cry baby, I hated feeling so vulnerable, but I really didn't have much choice.

"I trust that you'll make time, B. I love you."

"I love you too, to infinity and beyond."

"You better, buzz."

More tears and I was trying so hard to ignore them.

If this is what it was like for Q when she was pregnant and alone, then I need to buy her some flowers or something for all the shit I gave her back then.

Britt held me as I cried into her chest, everything was hitting me all at once.

"Baby love I know that this is bad timing. You have so much on your plate right now and I don't like being the one to add more to it. I'm here with you now, though. We will make the most of our time together."

"Okay B."

"How's all that sound to you, babe?"

"It definitely sounds like a plan. "

"I love you babe!"

"I love you too, B."

I drifted off to sleep with Brittany holding me close.

My heart hurt but I was leaning on my trust because I had no doubts that I loved her and that by letting her go off and spread her wings, she wouldn't feel like I trapped her at some point down the line.

She hadn't helped create this baby, but she was deciding to be a parent and that's something I knew I was blessed to have.

After setting an alarm for her and cuddling into her body, I fell into a super comfy sleep and the way my rude ass baby was acting, making me have to climb out of the bed in the middle of the night, I lost that comfort almost as soon as I fell asleep.

I rushed as fast as I could to get back to the bed and climbed in right back into her warm embrace. Just before I went back to sleep I felt my phone vibrate and I reached out for it.

When I saw the message, it made me smile.

Brought over some cake from Judy, it's in the fridge. I'm glad that you have finally decided to let love in! Love u!-Q

I hope that if she walked in it was after the sex part because that would have been embarrassing but before I could run with that idea the phone buzzed again.

I just saw u holding each other. Keep the love alive…don't sweat the small stuff. G'nite-Q

Let love in.

Quinn is always going on about the magic in love and in life until I feel like I will pass out from the sappiness, but I was finally starting to understand what the heck she was talking about.

I knew that from now on, I was going to try to let love in, I just hope that it doesn't turn on me, and make me regret that I opened the door.