Chapter 31:Death and All of His Friends (Coldplay)

Waking up with Britt, in my own place without interruption felt righter than anything else.

The alarm went off and she snuggled deeper against me and I leaned into her face, kissing her cheeks and then her forehead before kissing her lips.

Her eyes opened slowly, and she smiled at me, tears were in my eyes as I smiled back. "I could wake up like this with you forever." I whispered.

"You're so beautiful." She whispered back, "Marry me back?"

"Of course, Britt Britt but first, get your butt into that shower and into that uniform. I'm going to make you some coffee and toast. Sue will not be down my throat if you're late."

She scrunched her face and then kissed me on my face and neck.

"Shower with me?"

"No way, you know we'll get distracted. Sexy time after you get back from school not before!"

"Finnnnne."

I watched her naked ass strut to the bathroom and I didn't look away until she was behind a closed door. I had asked her to marry me and she'd said yes...now I just had to wait for an eternity to make it official.

For as long as I've been alive, Mami has been the earliest riser so I knew that when I called her she'd answer. I got the coffee going and was making toast when I decided to call and see what the plan for the day was.

"Bendicion, Mami."

"Que dios te Bendiga, Ana. You're up early."

"I am, making sure Britt leaves on time for practice."

"How was last night, did you reconcile? Feel free to spare me some details."

I chuckled, "That time alone with her was exactly what we needed to get back on track. I'm going to marry her, Mami. When everything settles down and my divorce is finalized, I'm not going to waste any more time."

"You'll do right by her, yes?"

"Of course!"

"Good. Now, will I have you to myself today?"

"I'm all yours."

"You and Sandra, did you send her here?"

"I did...I know you said you wanted to be alone, but I know that you and she were closest to him. I figured you could comfort each other."

"Well thank you. I got here and was a crying mess trying to clean up some of his office. She showed up and we cried together, reminiscing about old times. It's good that I had that time with her."

"Great. So, how about I come get you two and we go make the arrangements."

"I'd like to get as much done today as possible, so yes. First though, maybe breakfast...you're too skinny."

"I have always been too skinny."

"Yes, but now you are carrying my grandbaby around, so you need to eat more." She sounded gleeful and I was happy to be a part of that.

"Okay, we can go to We Lime and then we will head to town. I'm going to see Britt off and then I'll get ready. See you in about an hour."

"We will be ready. Cuídate."

"Gracias, Mami."

"Ciao."

In the time it took to talk to Mami and for Britt to get dressed, I had made her coffee and toast with eggs. She came into the kitchen with her backpack and the biggest smile on her face.

"I could get used to this." She said as I served her at the table. "Where is your food?"

"I'm going to breakfast at We Lime with Mami and Sandra." I said with my back to her.

"Look at me when you talk to me, Ana." She said, and I hesitated because for the splitest of seconds, she reminded me of my husband. I turned around and looked at her. "Promise me you're going to eat today...three meals." She held up three fingers for emphasis as she chewed.

I nodded. "I promise you that I will eat three meals today." I held up three fingers back at her and she nodded her head in satisfaction.

Suddenly, I was ready for her to get moving. Thinking of Marco had set me on edge and I didn't like to attach the feelings that he gave me to her.

Not now, not ever.

I made her lunch and then put it in her bag.

The alarm went off and I saw that she had about five minutes to get to practice.

"Okay, out you go, my love."

She jumped up and kissed my lips, still chewing and then grabbed her things and ran for the door.

"Bye honey bunny pudding pop!" She sang to me.

"Have a great day, Britt." I said back to her and then I was closing the door and resting against it.

The tears came as I sank to the floor, my face buried in my hands as I began to weep.

Was it an omen or was I just overthinking?

I couldn't live half a life where I was on eggshells.

And so, before I moved another muscle, I prayed about it until I was hoarse.

I heard the bullhorn and then Quinn's voice.

"I don't want to hear your problems, I just want to hear solutions. Get up, get moving and don't stop until you have conquered your problems. Go!"

I laughed to myself and listened to my captain.

"Ay, ay captain." I whispered before wiping my face and getting up, so I could conquer my day.

Brenda and Damariz live in California, they come to the Midwest maybe once a blue moon, so while I went out with Sandra and Mami, they drove the four hours to Chicago to see Celia's gallery.

Even though I hadn't seen them in two days, it felt like they were still lingering, and I was happy to breathe a little easier, knowing they wouldn't pop out and cause any drama with Mami or me.

Sandra told me that they had been talking about inheritances and Papi's estate since they got to Lima and she was sick of hearing about it. Meanwhile, I was more focused on getting Papi in the ground and helping my mother cope than what pay out I was going to get.

Maybe they were right, I was spoiled and never wanted for anything...except maybe Papi's love...but I just didn't care about the money.

I just needed closure.

After that morning, I knew that while I loved waking up to Britt, I didn't want to repeat our exchange that morning. I didn't want to be her little housewife who she told what to do.

I had dreams and aspirations, I had been through more in one hour of my life than she had been since the day she was born. I may be privileged but I have paid a high price for that luxury.

The grass is not always greener and all that.

Hey B, I need to go stay with Mami until after the funeral.-Santana

Oh. I not enuff?-B

You were perfect. I just need more...-Santana

What u need?-B

I was crying as I sat in the bathroom of We Lime, remembering how I had told her about Marco. That was the first day of the shitstorm that is now my life and tried to think of what it was that I needed exactly.

And then I chickened out.

To be with my mom at the house.-Santana

She couldn't argue that.

Will u tell me if u need me?-B

Of course.-Santana

Ok. well I have class. Don't 4get 2 eat.-B

At We Lime right now. Have a good day, enjoy your lunch-Santana

Thnks-B

The night before the funeral my sisters and I gathered at my father's house as we went over the arrangements. They kept going on and on about his will and kept speculating about how it would turn out.

Even though I was annoyed, I was just thankful that they didn't do it in front of Mami. They thankfully waited until she was out of the room.

They were so anxious in fact that instead of flying back home after the funeral they planned to stick around.

My hormones were all over the place after being in my father's house for three days without seeing Britt or Q. I had stopped home only twice to go feed Monty and grab my charger but, in those moments, I reveled in the peace that I felt being away from my family.

I had spent so much time alone that this overwhelming family time was making me stir crazy.

When it was just Mami and Sandra, I could deal and much to Brittany's delight, they had made sure that I was eating. It was one of the first things that B would ask and each time I was able to be honest with her and not feel guilty.

But it still bothered me, in fact EVERYTHING was bothering me.

Especially when I could see that Sandra was humoring Brenda and Damariz as they made plans for the money that wasn't even theirs yet.

I knew that my father would be angry about all this and even though I knew on a conscious level that he could never touch me again, I still had a lingering fear of his temper.

A fear that my sisters didn't seem to have. Lucky them.

I had escaped to the den when the conversations were getting really hard to ignore and Celia joined me, a smirk on her face.

"How are you handling things?"

"I want it to be over. You?"

"Lima is a cute little town, it's a nice break from Chi-town but I agree, I'm ready for all of this drama to be over. How's Q?"

I raised my eyebrows.

"How's your girlfriend back at home?"

"Ex-girlfriend. Has been for almost a year but you know I couldn't tell Papi and those girls that. The moment you say you're single they start asking questions about if you are going back to dudes or try setting me up with someone's brother or cousin. They don't get that I'm a real lesbian you know, I have never fucked a guy."

"I'm going to try to not take offense to that." I said, rubbing my barely there bump. "I am also a REAL lesbian."

She sucked her teeth and rolled her eyes.

"That's not what I mean...well okay, maybe a little pregnant lesbian sister of mine...but sexuality is fluid for some and set for others."

"I can agree with that."

"Good...so tell me," She said as we shared a tub of ice cream and kicked our feet on the coffee table. "Are you plotting on the old man's money too, Ana?" I paused just as I was about to put a heaping spoon of cherry vanilla in my mouth.

"Nah. I'm the spoiled one remember? I have never lived without the means to survive like Brenda or been money hungry like Damariz. I just want to get out of Lima with my girlfriend and conquer the world."

"Hmmm…I think I can agree with that sentiment. My life in Chicago is good. I live free and happy, running my art studio without a care in the world. I have never really put much emphasis on a big bank account."

"Aha…that's right, you are Papi's flower child, how could I forget! The only one without a college degree."

"Yes, that is why he called me Florita…I'm going to miss him. I think only Sandra remembers because we are a bit older than the rest of you. He may have done it with you though since you grew up with him too. Papi used to sing us to bed at night and he would come up with these crazy songs that somehow made sense while including our names and favorite whatever…color, book, best friend. It's the memory that I will hold on to tomorrow as we say goodbye."

Celia quickly brushed a tear away before it could fall to her face. Even Celia, with all her peace and love had walls. It was a blessing and curse for the Lopez family.

"Yea, Papi would do that for me too, up until I told him that I was pregnant. He had a great voice and that bed side manner that made him a good doctor helped soothe away some of my most terrible nightmares. I wish I could stop time right there and keep him the way he used to be with me. The last five years or so have been so volatile and damaging to our relationship. In the end he tried his best to fix it, little did we both know that there was no time for us to heal. I admit I felt a little bit relieved when I found out that he was gone." My sister raised an eyebrow and her eyes turned hard, "I'm not glad he's dead by no means. I wanted him to be around forever. I ache inside just thinking that he will never meet my children or see me get married. I loved Papi...I just wish our relationship had been better"

Celia reached out and grabbed my hand and looked me deep in the eyes. She looked serious and creepy which are things I don't think I have ever seen on her face. I looked back and tried to lighten her up with a smile, but she just squeezed my hand tighter.

"Listen, a bit of advice. Don't ever repeat that to Brenda or Damariz…they have been jealous of you since before you were even born and they are basically looking for any crack in your walls. They love you because you are their blood, but they will turn on you. Okay?" I nodded my head and pulled my hand away and then just like that she smiled at me sweetly and began to eat her ice cream.

My family just gets weirder and weirder.

Hey, can you come stay with me tonight?-Ana

It was Thursday night and I knew that my friends were getting excused from school to be there for me tomorrow, with the way my sisters were all making me feel like I was stuck up or ungrateful, I needed an ally.

I wanted that ally to be Quinn, but I knew that I had to start leaning towards my future wife, I needed Britt and so I let her love in...or at least I was trying to.

Yea. Let me check brb-B

I sat in the den, staring at the television next to my sister who was asleep. If Quinn could see her ugly ass snore face now, I bet she'd forget that kiss they had but I couldn't do Celia like that. So, I just sat there and anxiously waited for a response. I really didn't want to be alone right now with my family especially after the creepy conversation that I had with my sister. I was hoping that B could come over.

Can u come get me, like now?-B

Are you okay?-Ana

Can you hurry?-B

I put the empty ice cream tub in the recycling bin and grabbed a bottle of water before rushing out of the house. No one even seemed to notice as they continued talking in the study.

Mami had long gone to sleep and I wasn't going to check in with anyone else in my mother's house.

It seemed like something was up with Brittany in the texts and I didn't want to keep her waiting, so I ignored a few stop signs and red lights and making it there in record time. Brittany was sitting on her front steps with a bag thrown over her shoulder.

She gave me a small smile when she climbed into my car but when I got a closer look at her, she looked like a wounded puppy. I pulled her into a hug as we idled on the street double parked. She pressed her face against my neck, inhaled for a long moment and then sat up again.

"You smell nice." She whispered as she buckled in.

"What is it B?"

"Just drive okay?" Her voice was strained as she stared out into the street. I could see her shoulders shaking and wasn't ready to drive, knowing that she was hurting, so I placed a hand on her thigh...waiting a beat but then I heard a low sob.

"Are you alright Britt?"

"I'm fine, just drive...please." She squeaked.

Something was definitely wrong, but I wasn't going to push it…she would open up when she was ready.

The whole drive home, she clutched my right hand for dear life and I didn't pull away until it was time to turn into my long driveway. In the time that I left, the house had gone dark...finally.

Maybe they had talked themselves to sleep...one could only hope!

I parked in the garage and turned off the car. I unbuckled myself and then her. After dealing with my sisters, even having Britt like this was a step up. I turned to her and she was still just sitting there, not moving, staring straight ahead. I was being as patient as I could be as she just sat there and didn't move. I grabbed her hand and gave a light tug until she turned to look at me.

"Whatever it is...we can talk about it in bed, cuddled up together."

"You're sure? Am I finally enough for you?"

"Britt, don't take whatever this is out on me...okay, I'm having a hard-enough week." It was the only warning I would give about her snapping at me, this was not the time for that.

"I'm sorry...you're right, let's go inside."

My old bedroom looked almost the same except the bed was different. I had taken the original one to my apartment and because my parents thought I should still have one just in case, they had actually had a new one put in here before their move to Atlanta. Another example of how abnormal my family can be.

I quickly changed my clothes because the October air had finally turned to freezing and Mami hadn't turned the heat on yet, she'd always liked the cool air.

Britt took her bag and left the room choosing to shower in the hall instead of in my en suite. I was really beginning to worry about her since I had a perfectly good bathroom right here.

Her not letting me touch her or see her was becoming more obvious as time went by...I didn't like it.

How was school today?-S

Uneventful.-Q

Good. I love you and I'll see you tomorrow. Bring lollipops-S

I love you too. I'll bring a bag.-Q

Since the problem wasn't with school, I couldn't even imagine what it could be, but I wasn't going to push, instead I decided to just get myself ready for the morning. We were having a private viewing and mass for my father at 6am. Papi would have hated to have to get up that early but he didn't have to worry about things like that anymore.

I pulled out a black dress that hugged my body but still had some taste. I had a lot of family coming to town from Puerto Rico and New York, so I didn't want to be scandalous, in fact Mami had combed through my closet and this was the only dress that she approved of.

After I hung up my clothes and put out my shoes, I set up my makeup in my personal bathroom wishing that I could wear more than the bare minimum. Mami had asked that all of us girls not wear a lot of makeup because she wanted us to be natural, so after struggling to find a way to doll myself up I just decided that I would put on my eye makeup and some lip gloss because I figured that was demure enough.

I was so grateful that I wasn't really showing yet because I knew that despite being still married, it would cause scandal with the family.

Mami had even insisted that I wear my wedding ring despite me telling her about being with Brittany, so I put it on right then so that I wouldn't forget it in the morning. It felt like I had a shackle on my hand, but I was doing this for family honor and for Papi.

I sat against my headboard playing Angry Birds and trying my best to wait for Britt, but she still hadn't come out of the bathroom. I was about to go and get her when my door cracked open. Britt poked her head in and then quietly slipped inside shutting the door quietly behind her. I smiled at her and patted the bed beside me. She climbed in the bed but sat on almost the opposite edge than me.

"Britt Britt, you are really starting to worry me." I gave her my hand and she looked down at it for a second, the shine of my ring glinting in the dark of the room. She bit her lip and then swallowed hard.

"Is your mom making you wear this?"

"Just for tomorrow and then I'm throwing it away."

"Good. I'm sorry for acting crazy...I'm just having a hard night."

"Do you want to talk about it?" I slid closer to her but didn't get too close just in case space is what she needed. She nodded and let out a deep sigh.

"I got my letter from Juilliard today." I smiled and rubbed her hand.

"And?"

"I got in."

"That's great Britt, right?!" I said wrapping my arms around her.

"I got a full scholarship even without the SAT scores."

"That's amazing, so tell me what the problem with that is?" she began to cry again, and I just didn't understand.

"It's my parents…they yelled at me." but B's parents never yelled, "They told me that they worked so hard to save up money to send me to Juilliard and that they had even taken out a second mortgage to keep me in dance classes. They knew that this was my dream since that trip we took to see my cousin perform there. So, they did everything to make it happen and now I'm throwing it away for a tour."

I nodded in understanding. She was torn almost as much as I was, if not more. She kept being forced to choose between a dream and reality. I wrapped my arms tighter and pulled her into me as she cried. I hurt for her.

"I'm sure they mean well B. Getting a full scholarship to Juilliard is an amazing gift and to them it is like watching you get everything you wanted and now they are thinking what happens after the tour when you get back."

"How do you know that?"

"Because that's what I have been thinking since I found out."

"So, you agree with them?" she pulled away from me and squeezed her eyes shut. "I shouldn't be surprised but I am."

"No B. I agree with whatever you choose to do but that doesn't mean that I can't understand your parents sacrifice."

"What do you know about sacrifice, Santana?"

Knife to the heart. I wanted to rage but I didn't...instead I took her shaking hand and brought it my lips.

The coldness in her eyes didn't fade.

"I support you, Brittany. Always." She flinched at the full name, but I didn't care.

"I'm tired. Let's just get some sleep. You don't need my drama right now." She pulled her hand from me and turned her back.

What the actual fuck?

"B?"

"I don't want to talk anymore, just hold me, okay?" I reached over and turned off the lamp and then wrapped my arms around her as she cried herself to sleep.

I may have just made things worse.

My alarm went off at 5am but I had been up for longer just staring at the ceiling and wondering where I went wrong in life. The kid wasn't causing any morning sickness so far and I was endlessly grateful. That would have just made me feel like going back to sleep and skipping the whole day.

I turned towards B and just watched her sleep until the alarm went off, because I didn't trust that she wouldn't slip away the moment I looked away, but she still laid there curled in a ball hugging a pillow to her chest.

After I turned off the alarm, I leaned in and kissed her neck and then ran my hand under her shirt. My hormones were up before I even was. She moaned in her sleep as I continued running my fingers up her stomach and brushed the underside of her breast. I was kneading her chest and kissing her neck deeply.

"Ssssss…uh…" Britt moaned out, she was definitely awake now.

"Come take a shower with me B?" I asked, and she just nodded her head. I pulled her up and then held onto her hand as we walked into my bathroom. She smiled softly at me as she helped me undress before taking off her pajamas and kicking them aside.

"I'm sorry about last night." She mumbled, barely looking at me.

"Just let all the bad thoughts go today B. Today we just have to suspend reality and just breathe." She nodded as I planted a warm kiss on her lips before I turned the shower on.

While we waited for the water to heat up, I pulled her to the sink and handed her a spare toothbrush and we brushed our teeth together. Call me sappy but it's things like this that make me smile, when we do simple things and I see Britt with no stress on her face it makes me think of the future, our future.

We stood under the steaming water of the shower and I took the opportunity that I had while Britt was distracted and shoved her against the wall. She looked down at me in shock. "Are you trying to top me?" she chuckled.

"Maybe." I said raising my eyebrow. "I know I get all bitch on the streets and femme in the sheets but B…I just want to love you."

"Yeah but that's the problem Ana…you always need to control things." She said as she ran her hands up my sides. "I let you control our whole lives but this," she kissed me just below my ear, "And this," she grazed her nails over my breasts. "All of this…is mine to control!"

With Marco, I felt fear at those kinds of statements but with B, I was turned on...and that was the difference between them that I couldn't ignore. Marco forced all the things in our relationship that had always come natural between me and B.

Before I knew it, I was facing the shower wall and she had her hand wrapped around me as she entered me with her fingers…how many, I couldn't tell. I rested my head against the wall as she leaned into me. "MMm...ok...B."

"B?"

"Daddy." I moaned quietly, still trying to ignore the similarities...the type that I seemed to gravitate towards.

"I missed you, Ana."

"I missed you too."

"Am I enough?" She was thrusting faster now, and I could barely stand.

"Always...fuck."

"Good girl, I know that you like it like this, don't you?" I moaned, and she flicked my clit over and over.

"Yessss." I hissed out. "But what about you?" I whined.

"You can deal with me in a minute but right now I need you to understand that you can't control this. Our love…all of it," she said as she brushed my sweet spot, "is best when you let me lead. So, you'll let me lead!" she bit down on my ear as I came undone. She stepped back as I tried to regain my bearings.

It was true that in this relationship giving up control had worked for us because when I controlled things I tended to screw them up and that's how she ended up with Artie and I ended up with Karofsky but after my summer, it still made me anxious.

I finally turned to her and saw that she was busy washing her hair so before she could protest I dropped down to my knees and pulled at her hips until I was close enough to make sure that I wasn't the only one to have an orgasm this morning.

She stood there with her head thrown back and her soapy hands in my hair as I tried to show her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. How much I supported her. She came only a few moments later with tears in her eyes.

When I stood back up I could hear the alarm going off in the bedroom.

Times up.

Britt and I rushed through the shower and then she helped me to get dressed. She wouldn't be coming to the private viewing, instead she was going to take my car and pick up Q and Rachel while I rode in the limo with my family.

This was going to be a hard day for me and I'm sure that it would only get harder next week when we read the will…much harder!

In movies funerals are always shot in gloomy cemeteries or everything is almost completely in gray and so in my mind that is how I pictured my father's funeral to be because my only point of references aside from television was my uncle Eddie's funeral when I was six and it had rained that day.

But that morning as we walked towards the limo, Mami holding tightly to me, there was a fresh coat of snow on the ground and the sun was peeking through the clouds.

Papi would have loved how fresh everything looked and his white casket would match perfectly.

My head, which had been so full of all the drama and heaviness in the past few days was blissfully empty, and I could only thank God for the time of clarity.

I zoned out as I sat in a pew with Sandra squeezing my hand and crying with everything she was worth. I was the only one there without a significant other, even Celia's ex was sitting beside her. I felt lonely and just wanted to be with Brittany but that wasn't possible.

I hated this whole thing.

Apparently, there is a Lopez family tradition where you go up to the front of the church and instead of talking to the other attendees you speak to the corpse. I think that its fucking morbid and archaic, but I went along with it. I wouldn't be the one to dishonor my family today. Since I was the baby of the family, I got to go last which meant that there was no line waiting to talk to him.

Just me and all their eyes, I was on my very best behavior and was once again proving Q wrong because as far as I knew was coming off as a fabulous actress.

My father looked like he was just sleeping. I brushed a hand over his smooth pepper colored hair and then leaned in and kissed his forehead before I knelt on the bench in front of his casket. I didn't want anyone of my sisters in the front row to hear me, so I used my raspy voice to my advantage and spoke in a low murmur.

"Papi, this is not something I was prepared to do. I don't know how to do this….all the hard things in life you taught me how to get through them, but this wasn't one of your lessons. I am going to stick to my goals and your dreams. I am going to Columbia and I'm going to become the best functioning adult that I can be." I chuckled to myself but tried not to let it show, people were watching me, and I couldn't give them a reason...not today. "I am going to be someone that you'd be proud of! I promise. I wish you could have met this baby and I'm sorry you never will. I just wish that we had more time for you to help me fix this…but, this baby kept me from going to back to that stuff. I love this baby and I love you. I'm sorry for not being the daughter you saw me as. I am learning slowly but surely to love myself as much as you and Brittany and everyone does. It's too late to say Bendicion but I can say que Dios te bendiga. Te Amo Papi!"

I kissed his face one last time and then I cried as I took one last look at my father.

As I made my way back to the pew I saw Brenda shooting me a dirty look and remembered Celia's warning from last night. I suddenly felt like there was a great big target on my back.

Was the grieving already finished…was I now competition to my own flesh and blood?