Chapter 34: Hot N Cold (Katy Perry)
When I tried to squeeze into the backseat with Britt who was laying across Rachel's lap, Quinn snapped at me.
"Get your ass up here with me."
She was pissed at me and for good reason. I had crossed the line and lashed out at Britt but also, she'd left me in a good mood with minimal drama and five short hours later, here I was bruised, bloodied and causing her to cancel date night to drive us to the hospital.
I sat there useless and she grumbled as she buckled me in but then she paused and pressed her lips to my belly.
"I'm not mad at you baby just your mothers."
"Plural? You're mad at B too?"
"If she hit your face like that, heck yea."
I rested back on the headrest and let the tears come, my nose was clogged up and I felt like shit.
"She didn't hit me, but I pushed her. I'm the reason she hit her head." I whispered, and she growled at me.
Like full on, cheer captain, Sue Sylvester growled.
"What happened to your face?"
"Marco."
"Wait...he came to your apartment or did you go looking for him."
"He came to the apartment and I let him in." I continued to hiccup and stutter through what had actually happened. Quinn was white knuckled on the steering wheel as she blew through a red light.
"Quinn, please obey traffic laws, Brittany is breathing and semi-conscious."
"But Santana is pregnant and bruised and bleeding, Rachel...any blood loss is bad blood loss."
"Just be careful."
"I'm nothing but careful! You don't have a baby at 16 and not become careful!"
"Q...please don't yell at Rachel."
"And you! Don't you even tell me what to do Santana! I left you five hours ago...what the actual fuck?! Why did you let him inside?"
"What else should I have done?"
"Leave when you saw him, call the cops or go anywhere else."
"Fair point but you know that I lose all rational thought when it comes to him."
"I hate that you're right."
"I'll take what comes, this is my fault. I punched the mirror, I pushed Britt...I let him inside. I fucked up and I deserve whatever comes."
"Here you go being a martyr again. Just know that you're going to have a hell of a time getting care with that baby bump and needing an x-ray."
"I know, okay. I fucked up...just please stop yelling at me...please?"
Quinn went still as we pulled up to the ER and parked. She looked at me and reached her hand out to wipe away my tears.
"Stay there, I'm going to run in and get some help."
As I sat there, thinking over what I happened, I felt like complete and utter shit. My face, my neck, my shoulders, my back and my hand. There was no part of my upper body that didn't feel like it had been bruised. If only I hadn't been so stubborn, right now we could be home, and B could be icing my bruises and making me feel better. I knew that I had fucked up and I should have just let her look after me, this was all my fault.
How could I be so stupid?
I knew that she was already at war with herself over going on this tour and I had done nothing but make it worse. I had acted defensive and hormonal, my sobs were grating to my own ears and then I put my good hand on my belly. I was terrified that the baby was going to be hurt and that I would never be able to see it's face.
Without B around, I was scared that I would be no good on my own and I had lashed out.
Moments later, Q came out of the hospital as she talked into her phone. A doctor came out with a stretcher and with the help of a nurse, lifted B out of the back seat and then they rushed her inside.
And then I thought of her parents, who were four hours away and would need to make the trip back to be with her. I had ruined thanksgiving for at least ten people at this point and I could do nothing but sit there weeping.
"San, come on." Q said but I just sat there going over and over in my head how I could have done thing differently.
"Go away." I whispered.
"Oh no, fuck that...there's no way you're bleeding out in my car." And just like the fucking dynamo best friend that she is, Quinn lifted me out of the front seat and lowered me gently into the wheel chair. Sue would be proud.
"Go be with Britt, Q." I said as she pushed me into the emergency room.
"I called your sister, she's on her way and asked me to wait with you until she gets here."
"My sister? What's Sandra going to do?"
"Actually, I called Celia and don't give me that look, I was looking for Damariz and I knew they'd be together."
I was giving her a look, but it wasn't the one she thought.
"Thanks, Q."
"No problem, I'm going to go give my car keys to Rachel and tell her to go call the Pierce's...don't move."
I watched her run back outside while I sat in the waiting area with all eyes on me. Most people in this hospital had known me since I was a kid and knew exactly who my father was and what had happened to him. They were whispering to each other as I sat there feeling like I had been hit by a truck.
Q came back in with my sisters on her heels.
Damariz took one look at me and her face softened.
"Did they just leave you here, bleeding like this?" She was glaring at the nurses and then yelled. "Can I get a triage room and a capable fucking doctor? She's pregnant!"
"Thanks Mari!"
"I'm here now and I know we have our shit, but Sandra is right, you're my family. Quinn, find me the doctor on call please and then call Gladys, she'll want to know what's going on."
Q came back with Dr. J of all people and he shook his head when he saw me.
"Marco is back?" He asked raising a brow.
"Not by choice." I muttered. "Mari this is Dr. Jindahl, he was Papi's second. Dr. J, this is my sister Dr. Lopez-Rivera." They shook hands and then finally, I was being wheeled to an exam room.
"So, you want to tell me how you did this and what happened to your face?" Mari asked as she hovered over Dr. J.
He helped me onto a bed and then pulled a metal table over with a wash basin and began to wash away the blood. My bone was sticking from the top of my hand just like when I was a kid, only this time it was my fault.
"I punched my mirror after Marco showed up."
"Well that was stupid of you but he's an asshole, so I get it."
"Can you open up your hand for me?" Dr. J said, and I tried but only my thumb was moving. I was feeling unhinged as it started to bleed more. Mari came closer and held my hand while rubbing my back.
This is the most comfort that she'd ever offered me and like the needy bitch I am, I soaked it up.
"It hurts so much...can you fix it?"
Dr. J looked hesitant and then turned to my sister.
"We need to get it cleaned up so that I can see the extent of the damage but first we'll need to x-ray you."
"Oh God, is that safe for the baby?" I looked between the two of them and where Dr. J looked uncertain, Mari looked just as calm.
"First, we're going to need you to try to calm down…the more worked up that you get, the more you bleed out. They should be able to x-ray your hand if they do it carefully. You may need to sign a waiver absolving the hospital but it's really just to cover their asses. You are not the first pregnant woman to break a bone. Thankfully it's in your hand and not closer to your stomach."
I tried to take deep breaths, but the tears were still coming.
She brushed my tears from my face and smiled softly at me. The look in her eyes was similar to the one she gave to Brenda and I could tell she was finally seeing me as her baby sister.
"I promise you that we are going to fix it as soon as possible. I need to talk to your doctor and make sure you get the best care. I can't work on you myself, but I will make sure the best people do. Okay? I'm here and you are going to be okay."
"Okay."
"For now, I want you to lay back and try to rest while he cleans you up." She put a hand on my stomach. "This baby is feeling all of your fear and is lonely in there...you focus on calming it and I will do my best to calm you...okay?"
"Thanks, Mari."
Watching Damariz in action was a sight to see. She had people coming in and out of the room, to check my hand, to check on the baby, and to examine my bruises.
Dr. J was impressed with her, he kept smirking when she said certain things and I knew that he was thinking of Papi.
After my x-ray and listening to Mari lecture me on punching solid objects, I was left alone with a loosely wrapped hand while she talked to the doctors.
I was still crying, still thinking about how fucking sorry I was and cried myself right to sleep.
My baby was moving as I started to drift and I rested a hand on my stomach, singing softly the only song that was bouncing around in my head...Songbird.
After a moment the baby got settled and I gave into sleep. It felt good to be removed from all of my pain but in my dreams I just kept replaying what had happened at the apartment and I kept dissecting what had made me lash out at Britt like that.
It all came back to me just taking out my anger with Marco out on her, which was something I never wanted to do. Q had seemed to table her rage before leaving me with my sister, but I knew that she wasn't going to let it go. I felt incredible remorse but still something wasn't sitting right with me.
I couldn't fully give into my predilection for being a martyr because my gut told me that there is NO way that Britt didn't know sooner about this. She had time to prepare me and she waited until the last fucking moment and that made me rage even in my dreams.
She knew that I was going through trauma, my husband had just tried to kill me for a second time and she knew that I was already teetering and gave into my demand for her to tell me why she was there.
Had she told me originally, I would have known why she was there and I wouldn't have lost my temper. I didn't want to blame her for playing a part in this, but she did.
When I woke up, I was in a different room, dressed in my own pajamas. The room had a window that faced the woods, it was just getting bright out, which meant that I had slept right on through the night without a problem. It was Thanksgiving and I was waking up feeling way less grateful than I should.
I was lying in a hospital bed with my arm propped up in a sling and wrapped tight in a black cast. Anger was surging through me and I had nowhere to put it but on myself.
Britt should have but didn't, that didn't give me reason though to attack her...I was immediately sorry, that should count for something, but my luck never works like that.
Had I been asleep that long?
My whole arm felt heavy and stung but it didn't hurt as much as before.
"You're awake…" A raspy voice said from right next to me. I turned to my right and I saw Quinn sitting at my bedside. She looked exhausted and pale as she pulled her chair closer to my bed.
"What happened? How long was I out?"
"A few hours, it's still early." She looked at her watch and then back at me. "5 am, Sue has us trained well. I just woke up too."
"I see they were able to put a cast on."
"Yeah, your sister really came through for you. I think she scared the crap out of the doctors, it was almost like your dad was walking around again." She grimaced but I knew what she meant, "Sorry. She found an anesthesia that was safe for you and when you were asleep she put you under, so they could get the glass out and reset the bones. You broke three of them. It was a second break, so you now have a pin down the middle."
"Seriously?"
"Yeah and I bet there are a crap load of stitches too. When Damariz mentioned the cast, I insisted that they make it black because I knew that was what you would want."
"Thanks. How's Britt?"
"She's okay. She has a mild concussion, so they have her under observation and she had to get stitches above her eye. The doctors said an inch or two lower and she might have been blinded."
"Fuck…I'm so stupid." I said closing my eyes and leaning back into my pillows.
"Do you want to tell me what happened?"
"I told you already, did B confirm my story?"
"She told me, but it seemed like a lie. I just need to know…did you hit her?"
"What? No. I didn't."
"So, you gave a little shove with one hand and she really just slipped on your carpeted floor and fell? That's bullshit, Santana and you know it!"
"Can we talk about this later? I am in so much pain right now and don't have the energy to argue with you."
"Fine…but we will talk about this. I am going to go be a good friend and clean up your apartment with your mom. Then when I come pick you up in a few hours…I want the full story. Got it?"
"Yes, and I will just reiterate what I already said."
"I hate that we are here on Thanksgiving and that you let him inside."
"So, do I, now tell me what I really want to hear, where is she and can I see her?"
"Yea she's on the other side of that curtain sleeping. Like I said your sister pulled some strings."
"Can…can you pull it back, so I can see her?"
"I don't know if you deserve to see her."
"That's not for you to decide, Quinn!" Brittany's voice came through strong from the other side of the room. I flinched at the sound of it and Quinn got up from the chair immediately, giving me a mean side eye.
She walked around the curtain and was mumbling to Britt, but I could hear her loud and clear.
"If she hurt you Britt…she doesn't deserve to even be in the same room with you, let alone see you. I'm just trying to protect you sweetie."
"I don't need to be protected from Santana."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, now pull back the fucking curtain and leave us alone…please?"
"Fine."
After Quinn left, I looked across at Britt. She had a bruise around the top of her left eye and a bandage covering her stitches. I was so sorry, but I couldn't get the words to pass my lips because I was still angry.
The tears came, and I rubbed at my active baby to calm it down but like Mari said, it was feeling my emotions and being calm was impossible.
I stared at Britt for a long time without saying a word so when she finally spoke it made me jump a bit in surprise.
"I called my mom and had her arrange my flight for later this morning, I'm skipping dinner...I can't be here right now. I am leaving at eight. I should have told you as soon as I knew but I chickened out. I didn't want you to be mad at me and now you're mad at me and you're hurting."
"I'm not mad, I swear." And then I chuckled to myself, "Okay, fine, I'm mad. I had a really bad day and then he came and made it worse. He tried to kill me just before you got there. I was getting away when you showed up. It's no excuse but I hope you can understand that I am so sorry."
"Yeah, you're sorry a lot and it's getting really exhausting."
"Okay...I don't know what to say to that."
I turned my eyes from her and looked up at the ceiling, trying to gather my words but they were a jumble. She was in the hospital because of me and I was in the hospital because of Marco and me...she was just as mad at me, if not more so, than I was at her.
Great.
"I think we need a break, Ana."
"I don't do breaks." I said fighting off the tears. "If you want to break up, fine. We're done."
"Just a break."
"You can call it what you want, Britt but I know what it really is and it's probably long overdue."
This is what I had expected but I wouldn't fight her on it.
"It's not forever just for a little while, I still want to believe we're end game. I just need to protect my heart."
"From me?"
"Yes. For now, I want to just go back to being your best friend until you are done with Marco for good."
"I am done with Marco."
"Right." She whispered with a sad look in her eyes. "That's exactly what it looked like...even he said it, that it wasn't over."
"But I am done with him!"
"You're not, he's got you so wrapped up that you can't even tell anymore. You belong to him and I was stupid to think I could change that on my own."
"I don't belong to him. I'm yours, B."
"No. It's time you see it, baby, you are Mrs. Vega through and through. He is all that matters and when he is around, the world disappears and it's just you and him. That's how I feel when I'm with you because I love you and you don't love me like you think you do. You are in love with the idea of me and I can't be that anymore."
"Wow...so just like that? You've got some fucking crazy timing, Brittany."
"I refuse to argue with you, Santana."
She closed her eyes and I felt my throat close up as the tears threatened to come down.
"B?" I whispered.
She turned her eyes back to me and looked at me with a cold gaze.
"Yea?"
"I am done with him."
"How did he get into your apartment, then?"
"I let him in."
"Why?"
"Because I thought that I could control the situation."
"And we are back to your control issues."
"Well can you fucking blame me, Britt?"
"I'm going back to sleep...you should rest too."
"Fine!"
"I love you, Santana."
"Fuck you, Brittany."