Chapter 36: Big Girls Don't Cry/Personal (Fergie)
When I pulled up to my apartment, I didn't even get out of the car, instead I took a moment to catch my breath and really gave myself a second to process what had happened. All I wanted to do was call Quinn and tell her about it...but then I didn't want to give this knowledge to her knowing that she was still feeling some type of way about me and Britt.
And then I thought of Brittany and the way that just her presence can set my world right. After everything that Marco had put me through in the past, nothing can compare to how he made me feel tonight. For a moment back there, I had been prepared to blow his brains out but then for a brief moment I thought of everything that I stood to lose if I killed him.
My baby would not be born in a prison all because of that man. I just wanted to put it all behind me and move on and I wasn't 100% sure that could be a reality, but I had to believe it...I had no other choice.
I looked at the time and knew that Britt should be sleeping, it was a Saturday night on what could be her last night in New York...maybe, I wasn't sure if she was coming back before Christmas. She'd been so all over the place and I didn't deserve to have her sympathy, but I still wanted it.
So, I just sat there in my car, still feeling the ache in my groin and still feeling what he'd done to me. The coke had fizzled from my system, but it was very much in the baby's because he hadn't stopped moving for at least two hours. Even though I feared what the drugs were doing to him, I felt relief that Marco hadn't taken him from me.
And with some clarity, I didn't think he would have gone through with hurting the baby, I believe that Marco has limits and killing an unborn child was probably it...I hadn't taken the chance and I don't regret it for a second.
All I wanted was comfort, all I needed was someone to tell me that my life was worth living. All I needed right then was Brittany.
I held my breath as I waited for her to answer.
"Hello?"
"Hey Britt Britt, I know it's late...do you have a minute to chat?"
"Baby?" She said and then she giggled, "I mean, Ana...how are you?"
"Forget about me for a second, I want to know about you, B...how's New York, how are you?"
"New York was great and I can't wait to go back. I'm leaving again the week of Christmas and staying until New Year's Eve."
"Are you back in Lima?" I asked, feeling a moment of excitement.
"Yeah...I am."
"Can I...come see you?"
"No."
"No?"
"I'm at Finn's house but he's snoring and he's ugly when he sleeps but he cares about me still...maybe I can come to you?"
I looked in the rearview and saw how haunted my eyes looked, they also still looked crazy. I didn't want to drag down her happiness, so I decided not to be selfish.
"Oh...don't come here out of obligation, B. If you're with him then be with him." It hurt to hear that she was at Finn's but then she let out a heavy sigh.
"How about you tell me why you're calling me in the middle of the night after everything?"
"I've never needed a reason to call you before but if I do have a reason, I'd rather tell you in person, but it can wait until Monday...I'll be okay."
"Okay, we'll talk Monday then. Maybe call Quinn?"
I could hear that spark of jealousy, but it wasn't Quinn I needed, it was her.
"Okay." I squeaked out, holding back my tears.
"I love you, Ana banana."
I choked back a sob and nodded my head.
"I love you too."
I rubbed my belly as I climbed out of the car slowly, instantly missing the heated seats but knowing that I'd be more comfortable in bed. I wiped at my eyes and took a deep breath before unlocking the door.
Exhaustion hit me as I pushed the door open and dropped the keys on the side table. More tears were threatening to spill out, but I held them in a little while longer. The whole place was dark, except for the TV flickering in the living room. Damariz sat there, a mug in her hands and her ankles crossed on my coffee table as she stared blankly at the screen.
When our eyes met, her expression softened when she looked into my eyes.
She walked past me and into the kitchen, grabbing a mug out of the microwave and handing it to me on the way back to the couch. I smiled at her and took a sip.
The warmth of it replaced some of the cold in my bones. It felt good to be cared for, she'd been waiting for me.
"Hey." She said when I came over to sit with her.
"Hey...I didn't expect anyone to be up. Thanks for this...I needed it." I said, sitting in the recliner and putting my mug down on the side table. I ran my warm hand over my face, giving myself a minute. The gun was bulky at my side, but I didn't dare move it...not that there were any bullets in it anyway.
"I couldn't sleep after you left, so I've been waiting here just to make sure that you were okay. I think I stood by that window the whole time and then I saw you just sitting in the car, so I figured you'd want some tea. I figured you'd be coming down from your high. You really shouldn't be out of bed."
"I know but I had to take care of some business."
"Marco, you mean?"
"Yes."
"What did you do?"
"This." I said, pulling out the legal paper that we'd signed and handed it over to Damariz. I watched her face as she skimmed over it and nodded in a few places and then she handed it back.
"How did you get him to agree to that?"
I pulled the gun out and put it on the coffee table facing away from her with the safety on, like Papi had taught me. Then I pulled my feet up into the seat and grabbed my mug. Her eyes were wide, and I just shrugged while sipping my tea.
"It was Papi's. It's not loaded but Marco didn't know that."
"That was reckless, he could have finally succeeded in killing you. Is it your habit to march into danger without letting anyone know where you are?"
"No one has ever really paid much attention, there was never a need."
"Well," She looked at my belly and then at me. "Now there is a need especially when your primary hand is injured."
"Look, it worked out and hopefully if he does what he said he would, I can finally be done with him. I will do better to not be so reckless, okay?"
"Do you really want to risk him coming back for you? Is it worth putting yourself in danger when you have another life to protect?"
"I'm willing to risk it. I cannot go through what I did tonight ever again." I pushed to my feet and drained the rest of the mug, wanting to be done with this conversation. I picked up the gun, aware that she watched me like a hawk as I pulled out the lock box and secured the gun inside. Before I could leave her there though, she stood up and pulled me into a hug.
"You have been through so much and I worry that when we, your sisters go back to our homes and your mom takes that trip to PR like she's been wanting, that you will fall."
"Fall?"
"Yeah, without the people holding you together."
"I'm okay on my own, Mari. I have to be...for too long, I've relied on other people in my life to carry me and it's time for me to carry myself."
She held me for a while longer and then I pulled away from her, with thoughts heavy on my mind.
When I was finally in my room, I tucked those baggies inside my pillow case and put my coat on the rack. I needed to guard this secret with my life.
I wasn't sure what I would do with it, but I knew that the last thing I needed was my family on my case.
Monday came much faster than I was expecting. My sisters had all finally returned home and Mami was preparing some of Papi's things to take with her to Puerto Rico for the Christmas holiday.
It was supposed to be the both of us and before Marco had returned to my life and gave me a taste for something I thought I was done with, I was ready to go but now...that had changed.
The first thing I did when I got to school was go to Sue's office like I had promised, and she was sitting there, writing in her journal angrily.
I knocked on the door and her head popped up, she looked at me over her glasses and then gestured to a seat.
"Close the door before you sit."
"Okay, coach."
When I sat down on her couch instead of that hard-plastic chair in front of her desk, her brow creased but it wasn't because I was ready to have some deep thought with her, really it was just that I was sore. Marco had been rough and relentless, tearing some of me and leaving me feeling like every movement, sitting especially was murder.
"Tell me about your time away from school? You left here saying you were taking a few days...you took nearly a month to come back."
"I know and today, I need to officially be done with the Cheerios."
"And why is that?"
"Because, coach...this is one more thing that I have to worry about and time is running short. I need to start planning the rest of my life and now that I have the money that I need, I will be turning down the cheer scholarship at Columbia."
Her whole face flushed, and she was breathing angrily but I could tell that she was doing her best to maintain her composure.
"What's your plan?"
"I think I'm going to take some time off...a gap year before I start school. I have money of my own let that scholarship go to someone who really needs it."
"Promise me that you'll still go to school."
"I promise, coach. I have an opportunity to take care of my son and be there in a way that my parents never were, and I can't pass it up."
"Well I don't blame you. If you tell anyone this, I'll deny it and sue you for libel, but I really respect you, Sandbags."
"Thanks, the feeling is mutual."
There were exactly, three weeks between my return to school and Christmas break. In that time, I watched Britt reconnect with Finn and Quinn pull away from me.
Never in that time did I discuss with either of them, what had happened with Marco. Instead, we went back to being friends on the outside...not really discussing our home lives...well me not really discussing my home life.
It wasn't until the last lunch before break that we really had a breakdown outwardly, Britt was going on and on about New York and the choreographer she met, and Quinn was telling us about her trip to visit her sister over break. I was focused on tater tots and after a while they both noticed.
"Do you really even care?" B asked but I was busy thinking about what was waiting for me at home. I had resisted up until this point but every day, I sat in my kitchen, eating the bare minimum while I stared at those bags. "Santana?" B said, and I looked up at her, suddenly feeling exhausted.
"What's up?"
"You asked me if I was excited about New York and I was telling you all about it, but you weren't listening."
"Oh. Sorry."
"Are you okay?" Q asked, and I rolled my eyes at her.
"Like you give a fuck." I snapped, and she looked hurt.
"Where is that coming from?"
"You have been pulling away from me ever since the hospital weeks ago and now you are asking me if I'm okay...why?" I felt the tears welling up as I looked from one friend to the other.
"For too long, I've been focused on you and I thought finally I could worry about myself. You have been low drama, so I thought it was finally safe to give you space. Was I wrong?" Q asked, looking genuinely concerned that she'd fucked up.
"Yes, but you had no way of knowing that I was suffering in silence."
"Oh God, don't be so dramatic, Ana!" B said, and I bit down hard on my lip, drawing blood. The pain felt like a reprieve from the numbness that I had been walking around with.
Home, school, home, school, store, home school...over and over for three weeks.
Quinn actually looked like she cared but Brittany just tossed her tot back on her tray and stood up, she looked down her nose at me and actually said out of her face..."You make me so tired, Ana. I hate being tired."
And then she walked away.
"Tell me what happened, what am I missing?"
We were tucked away in the back of the cafeteria and I knew that no one was really paying attention, but I lowered my voice.
"Marco raped me Saturday after thanksgiving. I put a gun to his head and made him sign a paper saying he'd never touch me again. I go home every day and I feel like, I just don't want to exist anymore."
"San...sweetheart, I'm so sorry that happened to you." She pulled me into her arms and I sat there, leaned against her feeling pitied rather than comforted. I knew then that I would never bring it up again.
I was beyond comfort...I was sinking fast and there was nothing Q could do for me that I couldn't do for myself.
Lesson learned.
Brittany left for New York straight after school and I went to Mami's house but refused to go inside, I was just taking her to the airport with the hope that she'd try to convince me one last time to go with her.
I knew that I was just one more bad thing away from getting high, pregnant or not. I know that I have been through being escort and Marco taking advantage of me since that first time on Halloween but something about this time was different. It hit me in a way that I couldn't quantify.
Mami though, came into the car smiling sadly as she held onto a picture of Papi. I asked her what her plans were when she got down there and that's when she broke it to me that she wasn't sure if she was coming back any time soon. It wasn't a bad thing, but it was enough to have me hanging off the edge.
We hugged for a long time at the airport, until the cold became too much for me and it was time for her to check-in. From the airport, I didn't drive straight home, instead I drove past it all the way to St. Mary's. Marco owned a home right off the river and I had held onto a key ever since that day that he raped me at 13.
Never had I come back...who would want to, especially at the beginning of winter when the roads were slick, and snow covered everything.
I couldn't bring myself to go inside, instead I went to the back porch and I sat on the stairs that overlooked the water. My tears came hot and fast as I finally allowed myself to fully feel the pain and sorrow that were consuming me.
The sky was gloomy and there wasn't another person in sight, as I pulled out a baggie dug a fingernail inside. It was windy out and I watched as some of the coke drifted in the air. My son moved around in my stomach, restless since that first night and then I took just a bump.
I closed my eyes and continued to cry, knowing that Marco had won after all.
There were no urges to call Quinn or Brittany...there was just me, sitting there ruining my life and tainting my son's.
He deserved a better mother.
Just like I deserved a better father.
And just like that, the cycle continues.
In the four days between dropping Mami off at the airport and Christmas Eve, I took little hits...ate almost nothing...and slept. For whatever reason, once she was in New York, B seemed to remember that I was her endgame. She stared leaving me sad voicemails and texts, but I left them unanswered.
Quinn was probably already in California with her family, so I was alone just like Mari had feared and I knew that if I called any one of my sisters and asked to come crash their holiday they'd be game, but I couldn't.
Something was stopping me from being the person that I worked so hard to be...cocaine.
I had promised my mom before she left that I would get Quinn to come and stay with me, but another week went by and I still hadn't called Q, to see if she was even home.
No longer could I handle her pity. I wanted to believe that I was fine but then on Christmas Eve, I couldn't take the solitude.
"Happy Hanukkah Berry."
"Why thank you Santana how sweet of you to remember me at this time of year!"
"Yea. So, Berry, I'm calling because I wanted to know if you were busy today."
"No, my fathers are off visiting friends in Columbus and Quinn is ignoring me today."
"Are you two still arguing about me and Britt?"
"I am…she has no right to make you feel like your trauma was less than Brittany's. She also has no right to pull away from you in this trying time. She says she's acting how well-adjusted friends should act but I do not buy that for a second!"
"Berry. Wait, before you go on endlessly, can we talk about this in person, like you coming over here to spend the day, like now, maybe?"
"Really? Is that an invitation to come over to your place alone, without Quinn as a buffer?"
"Yea, I guess you could say that."
"Well then, I accept, are you hungry? I just made my famous vegan lemon cookies."
"Yum...the baby wants cookies!" I groaned out and felt my mouth water.
"Sure, it does who wouldn't want Auntie Rachel's amazing shortbread lemon cookies?"
"My mouth is watering, Berry. Never keep a pregnant woman waiting! Get here!"
It was unbelievable what my life had turned into and that I was opting to hang out with Rachel Berry on purpose, but my very pregnant body was tired of the cocaine that I was starting to crave more each day.
The way my body reacted to it was very different now than when I had less hormones running through me. I was thirstier and sorer than ever.
And where before, I liked my own company...right then, I just wanted some human contact.
On a whim, I decided that enough time had passed since her last sad message a few hours ago, begging me to talk to her just once so we could finally get on the same page.
Hey, I wish things were different. I'm not sure where it went wrong...how long does a break last?-Santana
Should have never started-B
Your idea-Santana
Concussion's idea-B
I make you tired-Santana
You do.-B
You hate being tired-Santana
I do-B
So you hate me.-Santana
...
...
...
Say less, B. You were right we shouldn't be together. I need an adult as my wife not a selfish brat. Merry Christmas-Santana
I didn't even bother looking at her response, instead I slid out of the bed and immediately had to grab the bedpost and center myself since I hadn't been up in at least 12 hours. My son kicked at my side and a sharp pain hit my back...today was a bed rest kind of day but I couldn't spend another moment in it.
My joints were hurting today from the combination of my commitment to staying in bed and the blistering cold that seemed to seep through the walls no matter how high I turned up the heat.
I couldn't stop thinking about Brittany and I knew that more than anything the chill in my body was from the lack of being in her arms, but she hated me, I made her tired and I wouldn't be in a relationship where my very existence exhausted the person who claimed to love me as I was.
What a load of donkey turds.
I pushed her from my mind as much as I could, dressed in warm clothes and just tried to distract myself while waiting for my cookies to come.
Oh, and Rachel, too.
I hadn't really been out of bed in a few days, so I hadn't been wearing my sling very often. As I grabbed a few pillows, I let my arm dangle for a second and it started throbbing almost immediately. I clenched my teeth and began a wild search for the damned sling.
After a few minutes of searching through all my covers, I found my it and threw it over my shoulder slipping my frigging arm inside of it.
The throbbing dulled a little bit, but the damage had already been done and the pain would probably stay for a while. So, I took another small hit and let the buzz dull the pain. After the spark of energy hit me, I was able to move to the couch with my pillows and comforter, happily camping out while waiting for Rachel and the cookies.
Man, I must have needed some company badly if this is what I had to look forward to on Christmas Eve!
I was grumbling to myself, as I settled into the couch when there was a knock at the door.
"It's open!" I called out amazed that Rachel had gotten here so quickly with my cookies when she lived across town.
The door cracked open and in walked the last fucking person I had ever expected.
"Azimio?"
It took me a moment to register that this wasn't just some dream, had my high turned bad?
Azimio Adams stood at my door and patiently waited for me to regain my composure before making any sudden movements. I had been trying to get comfortable when he had opened the door but now I was sitting there frozen as I stared at him.
He was a gentleman, despite what people might believe and kept his distance after closing the door. He seemed nervous but then again, I was McKinley royalty and so was he. Even in this moment, our reputations kept us from dropping the act...we'd had sex we should be way more comfortable with each other.
I rubbed at my stomach and sat up straight, the baby was kicking me hard as I pulled the covers over me. He was not happy about the hit I'd taken, and he was letting me know but I put on a smile.
"You can come in." I said waving him towards the recliner.
He sat down and looked at me with a small smile before looking around.
"Nice place, must be nice to be on your own...huh?"
"Thanks, took some getting used to but it's become home."
He smiled and then looked at me with concern.
"How are you feeling?"
"Like crap…but you know, I'm getting used to it." He seemed nervous as he sat across from me and rubbed his hands against his jeans. "Why are you here?"
"To see you."
"Obviously."
"Yea."
"So, what specifically brings you to see me?"
"You're pregnant."
"Yes, I'm aware."
"It's not mine." He said, forehead all wrinkled in concentration.
I was trying to be patient because it seemed like it took a lot for him to be sitting here right now but my patience was notoriously thin.
"Okay...I wasn't planning on hassling you about it either way. I have no plans to bother anyone as a matter of fact. I'm prepared to do this alone."
"Seriously?"
"Yea, pretty much."
"Oh, well, it wasn't about not taking responsibility because I would step up if it was mine."
"Yea...is that why you are so quick to deny the kid?"
"No, I just wanted to let you know that I'm 100% sure that it isn't mine." He said reiterating his previous statement.
"Ok, that's great, Merry Christmas to me. Look Z, I really don't want to go into the semantics of what happened. I honestly don't remember a thing about that night...I didn't even know who the hell Ian Perkins was until I heard about what happened. Since you are so sure...Care to shed some light?"
"Um...yea."
"Okay...go for it."
"Well you were making out with Perkins in my bedroom. I was clearing out the party and found you two in there. You told me to join in...that you liked to feel...um..." He looked embarrassed, but I just nodded, my prudish ways were long gone, I just wanted facts.
"I liked what?"
"To feel full...but I had a lot to drink so you gave me a blow job...that's it. I was too drunk to last much more than that." He said, blushing. "It was Perkins that went all the way with you. I just thought that you should know."
"Oh...so you lied to the whole school about fucking me?"
He nodded, looking ashamed but I was relieved...even if it was nauseating.
"It's like a rite of passage on the team...nailing a Cheerio and if you can get with one of the unholy trinity...it makes you untouchable. So, I lied."
Well that explains how Finn and Puck managed to pull off glee and football...and Finn...God he'd had the whole trinity, his God like status with the football team made so much sense now.
As I sat there, I felt even grosser then before and I could feel the tears burning the rims of my eyes, but I couldn't cry in front of him.
His honesty had been refreshing but it still hurt.
I sat there for a second just staring off trying to remember even a little bit of that night, but nothing was coming back to me.
Fuck, I was such an idiot.
I finally looked his way and noticed that he had been looking at me with kind eyes and a small smile.
Not a common thing unless he had a frosty beverage.
"Well, Z, thank you for clearing that up for me." I sighed.
"I'm sorry that I tried to use you for clout."
"I would have done the same. It's cool, Z. What's done is done." I sighed and pulled the blanket tighter around myself, feeling naked and vulnerable in front of him. The hit hadn't been enough to create a lasting high and now I was spiraling and wished that he would fucking go already so that I could take another before Rachel got here.
My heart soared as he stood up, looking like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders and then he reached into his pocket and handed me a wrapped gift.
"I brought this for you."
I looked at him and in shock took the gift.
"Cushioning the blow?"
He laughed and shook his head as he shoved his hands in his pockets.
"My mom had me her senior year in high school and when I told her about the baby and how it wasn't mine, she told me to be honest with you."
"Oh yeah?"
"She said that you would appreciate it, even if you were mad."
"I'm not mad, Z...I'm oddly relieved that I don't need to drag you on Jerry Springer."
He gave me a sad smile.
"Truth is that I've had a crush on you since you first transferred to public school. I wouldn't have minded so much if that was my kid."
"Is that right?"
"Well yeah, you are one of a kind and if I was a better guy, I would have treated you the way you should have been treated. Instead, I gave into peer pressure. Perkins wasn't even the one to spread the gossip...it was me."
"That was shitty of you."
"It was, and I realized that. Talking with my mom put a lot in perspective. She said that you could use all the friends that you could get, so even though it's not mine, I'm still here if you need me. My mom wanted to wish you luck. I just want to give you this before I go, Merry Christmas Santana."
I had tears in my eyes as he leaned over and dropped a kiss on the top of my head.
How had I never seen this side of him before?
I held my arms out and he softly hugged me for a moment before standing up again. There was always a longing in me to get hugs from guys that didn't want to beat me to a pulp and in that moment, his hug healed some of my hurt.
He wiped his eyes and cleared his throat as he stood back up, obviously getting a little choked up.
"Thanks Z. You have no idea how much this means to me. Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas."
He smiled down at me and then left quickly and quietly.
I held the gift in my hands and then smiled to myself.
That crazy encounter had just assured me that there are still decent guys out there.
I had to make sure that I thanked him again when I saw him back at school.
I was broken from my reverie as Rachel came bursting through the door like she was running from someone. I almost laughed at her when she slammed the door shut and locked it.
"Santana, was that just Azimio Adams that I saw coming out of here?" she asked as she put down a large grocery bag on the counter. I nodded and smiled at her. She was gulping down deep breaths as she began to peel off her coat and scarf. "Oh, my goodness, it's a million degrees in here! Are you cold? You must be. Thank goodness I had the presence of mind to wear layers!"
I allowed her to continue rambling as I looked down at the gift in my hands, turning it repeatedly trying to examine the package from every angle. After the way I was most days at school, I was just so amazed that he had thought of me. I was so focused on the package that I hadn't been listening to Rachel and she noticed.
She snapped her fingers in front of my eyes, immediately annoying me and making me wonder why I had invited her over.
"What is it Rachel?" she grabbed the gift from my hand and shoved an open tin full of cookies at me, ahh that's why she's here!
"Did he give this to you?"
"You know, Berry I didn't invite you over here, so you could harass me and take my presents!" I snapped at her while attempting to snatch the gift back, but she pulled it out of my reach and let out a heavy sigh as she plopped down in my recliner.
She put the gift on the coffee table and then began to readjust my pillows and blankets, I let out a happy sigh and then picked up a cookie. The taste was perfection and the way that it melted in my mouth was like heaven!
The baby finally calmed, probably relieved that I wasn't giving him more of the stuff that drove him nuts. I looked back at her and noticed that she looked annoyed as she examined the gift. Her eyebrows were all bunched together, and she was avoiding my eyes.
"I'm sorry that I didn't bring you a gift, Santana, I hope that the cookies will suffice."
"Are you kidding, these cookies are giving me life right now!"
"Why did you invite me over, really? I mean other than for the cookies."
"I just don't want to be alone, okay? And please don't make me regret calling you. Just because I'm admitting that I'm lonely doesn't mean that I want to hear you saying something vapid or over the top."
She smirked to herself and then sighed obviously holding back a long speech.
"Honestly, Santana, I'm just glad that you called."
She smiled to herself again and then got up from the chair, handing the gift back to me in the process. I shook it and since it didn't sound breakable, I tossed it back on the table and went back to scarfing down the cookies.
She headed back to the kitchen and began unloading the grocery bag looking smug, her gift of cookies had won the moment.
"So, what's in the bag?" I asked her, trying to see from where I sat, as I spoke to her and ate another cookie at the same time.
She smiled at me wickedly before holding up a few DVDs.
"I brought some bad reality show DVDs that Quinn left at my house and I also brought various things to snack on while we lounge around like sloths. Oh, and I have your Christmas gift from Quinn."
"I thought you two were at odds?"
"We were but then I called her to see if she wanted to come over here with me and she turned me down but then asked me to bring you this."
Rachel put a gift bag on the floor by my little tree and then flounced back to the kitchen.
We sat through a few episodes of the Jersey Shore and I had managed to polish off all the cookies before I finally felt like I wasn't so alone anymore.
I was grateful for Rachel visiting and keeping me company.
Because of her, I was feeling a little less depressed and much more relaxed.
I had fallen asleep at some point during the second DVD, curled up facing the back of the couch, with my cast propped up on my side.
As I was waking up I could hear Rachel talking to someone at my front door and she was trying her hardest to whisper but she wasn't the very best at it.
I didn't want to move so I just listened hoping that she could get whoever it was to go away, for a moment I thought it could be Marco but then I heard Quinn's frustrated voice arguing back at Rachel.
"I thought you weren't coming?"
"I wanted to see her...please, let me in."
"I don't know Quinn, maybe you were right about not coming, she is finally content, and I would like to keep her that way. You should go while she is still asleep."
"Move out of my way Rachel."
I could practically hear Quinn gritting her teeth and it made me smile to myself, knowing that she wanted to see me so badly.
"No."
"If you don't move out of my way, I will make you." She threatened.
"What are you going to do slap me, again?"
The argument was becoming a little too heated for my taste, so I decided to "wake up". I pulled myself up to a seated position and readjusted my comforter around me and then cleared my throat.
"Let her in Rachel." I said trying my best to sound nice.
"Yes, let me in Rachel." Quinn said pushing on the door and storming past her flustered kind of girlfriend.
Quinn immediately came over to me, pushed the covers out of her way and then plopped down next to me grabbing my ankles and placing them on her lap.
Once I readjusted my cast to rest on a pillow in my lap, I smiled at her. She did not smile back, she was all business and I wanted to ask her why but then she nodded her head and began rubbing my ankles and feet.
I was sore all over, but this seemed to be helping to relieve at least a little bit of the pain and my groans were growing beyond sexual. Quinn blushed but kept her face a mask of stone.
When I looked over, I saw that Rachel had taken our mess into the kitchen and was cleaning while muttering to herself angrily.
The place had been looking ragged for days and so I knew that before long, she wouldn't be able to resist cleaning. I just hadn't had the energy for anything other than taking those tiny hits and sleep.
In fact, I could already feel the tremor in my body from going too long without another hit and my son's body must have known because he started to kick me again. I rested my hands on him and kept rubbing.
Please be still, mi'jo. I thought to myself, but he wasn't listening to my internal monologue...he wanted a hit and it made me want to cry but I couldn't, not in front of Q.
"So how are you, San?" Quinn asked me as she worked on a knot just above my ankle and I closed my eyes suddenly getting drowsy.
"Oh God you are making me feel way too many things and I am so very confused at the moment." I said forcing myself to keep my eyes open.
"Me too. I just talked to Britt and she told me what you texted her earlier. Don't you want to fix this? Isn't she what you fought so hard for all this time?"
"Q, I'm in a really good mood right now, please don't ruin it with your interrogations about my EX-girlfriend."
"It was a simple question."
"Yes, and it was a simple response. I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to talk to her right now."
"Well, in that case I'm leaving." She said as she pushed my feet off her lap and stood up.
"What? Why?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest ready to tell her off.
"Because Santana, Brittany is sitting out in my car waiting for me to give her the signal that it is okay for her to come up."
So, Quinn was angry because she wanted to talk me into seeing Britt not because she wanted to see me so badly.
I was pissed off, craving a hit and feeling hurt.
So, I lashed out.
"Well, you're right, I guess you should leave then and take Rachel with you!"
I stood up from the couch and stormed to my bedroom, slamming the door in the process.
There goes my mellow mood!
I could hear them arguing out there but behind my locked door, I poured out a line anyway.
Not once had I taken this much since that first time a few days ago. They all been small sniffs...spaced out until I couldn't bear to breathe without it.
Right then, I needed more than a sniff, but I wasn't trying to kill my son...I just needed this to get through.
So, with a prayer that this wasn't causing irrevocable harm, I snorted a whole line while Rachel and Quinn argued in my kitchen.
I cleaned up my mess, stripped off my clothes and climbed back in bed, not caring one bit about that knocking at my door.
The sobs that shook my body were loud and ugly, but I couldn't stop them, so I just let them come until all my energy was drained and I was surrounded by blackness.
I sat on the floor against my couch later that night, listening to the local radio station playing endless Christmas music.
There were tears dripping down my face as I hummed along, and I stared at my miniature tree. I had somehow managed to alienate myself from my family and friends when I needed them the most and so now as a result I sat here all alone. It was almost midnight, almost Christmas and in this moment, I missed Britt more than anything.
Had I been too rash?
I should have let her come up earlier and then maybe I could have convinced her to stay the night but then I remembered that I made her tired and she hated tired.
Of course, she hadn't said she hated me but that was close enough.
I'd been leaving her hanging all school year...bringing her back only to push her away when she got too close. She deserved to be free and have fun...she deserved someone who was willing to celebrate her birthday instead of ignoring the fact that it fell on Halloween.
Q always said that I should have replaced the feelings of Marco assaulting me all those years ago with a celebration of the anti-Marco and I had been trying but then this year happened and Papi died just days before and once again, I ignored it.
She deserved someone better than me and so did my son.
"Merry Christmas baby. God willing you and I will be celebrating together next year in New York City!"
As the clock struck midnight, I decided to open my presents and get them out of the way.
This would be as much as I would do for the holiday, since I had every intention of sleeping all day on Christmas.
I had three gifts in total, so this wasn't going to take very long.
My body protested as I pulled the bag from Quinn into my lap.
I hadn't expected her to still get me a gift but lately a lot has been unexpected for me.
Inside the bag there was a box that was covered in gorgeous red glitter wrapping and had black and white ribbons around it.
There was a little note card that read, Once a Cheerio, Always a Cheerio.
I smiled and then peeled off the wrapping.
There was a card on top of the box.
I opened it and it was blank except for a note from Q.
S-
As far as parents go ours are a pretty messed up a bunch. So, I got you this journal so that you can document this year. This is a crazy time for you, but it can serve as inspiration for you down the road. In those moments where a tough parenting decision has you doubting yourself it may serve to strengthen your resolve. I'm proud of you for what you are doing. I love you always sis!
-Q
The journal was gorgeous.
It was leather bound and had my initials monogrammed on the cover.
I lifted the book to my nose and took a long hard sniff.
Most people wouldn't know this, but I have always secretly loved the smell of paper and leather.
I knew that I was smiling as I slipped everything back into the box and pushed it to the side.
My second gift was from Mami, I already knew what it was because I had picked it out myself.
When I was at her house over Thanksgiving, I had fallen asleep using Sandra's pregnancy pillow and had been very vocal about wanting one.
My mom had attempted to surprise me with it, but I had seen the shape and size and knew immediately what it was.
So, she made me promise to wait for Christmas.
I couldn't wait to try it out tonight.
Finally, there was my last present.
It made me feel so amazing that Azimio went out of his way to think of me.
I opened the box and found two things.
A note and a book.
The book was written by Alicia Adams and the title made me smile, I opened the note.
Santana,
My mom is my biggest inspiration. She taught me early on, that life is what you make it. When she was told to get an abortion or to give up her baby because it would ruin her life, that I would ruin her life. She wouldn't back down. Now she is a bestselling author and a successful businesswoman. She also is a really good mom to me and my brothers. You remind me of her in many ways, so I know that you are going to be AMAZING. This is her first book. I hope it helps you see that this life you are creating will be the drive behind you in those tough moments where you want to give in. I am here to help if you need me. Remember that this is not an end but a beginning.
Merry Christmas
-Z
I put the letter down and looked back at the book. "The Rebels' Guide to Surviving Pregnancy".
That name had me written all over it. I would make sure to read every page and take notes. Right then, all I wanted was to hug Azimio again, the gift was a sweet gesture, that was very much appreciated by me.
I ran a hand over my growing belly and contentment settled over me for a moment.
"We are going to be okay baby! Mami loves you! I'm going to do better...okay?"
As I climbed into bed that night and took off my sling, I finally felt comfortable and at peace.
I kept a firm hand on my baby bump and fell asleep talking to my newest love.
True to my word, I spent all of Christmas locked in up my apartment and because my family was spread out over the country, no one came knocking to check on me. I celebrated my independence by chancing another line of coke...and then one more.
When the pain came in my back and stomach, I knew that I was pushing it, so I took the rest of my stash out to my car and locked it in my hiding spot...knowing that if I wanted another hit, I was going to have to work for it.
My son deserved to know what a normal life was, and I wasn't giving him a fighting chance. I had been high for weeks now...slowly increasing my hits until I was taking two full lines that day. I had to be better for him.
I had always coveted the idea of my own space but now that I had it and had alienated everyone in my life, I felt worse. I was depressed and alone and it was my fault. This was like my childhood all over again.
Depression had a firm hold on me. Christmas ended with me going back to my car, in the middle of a snowstorm in my slippers like a fucking fiend.
I hadn't showered in days, I had turned my phone off and had barely eaten a thing, but this was a priority and I was so ashamed of myself for it. I was too stubborn to suck up my pride and talk to B about us and I was too ashamed to talk to Q.
Sadly, I knew that this baby was supposed to be the only thing keeping me from the drugs and alcohol which scared me, I wouldn't be pregnant forever and these little doses would soon become something greater.
I rubbed my stomach as much as I could and just talked to the baby hoping that somehow it would make me feel better.
My whole world sucked, and I was falling apart at the seams, my self-destructive behavior was just on the edge of my vision.
Dripping out endless tears, I laid staring out the window, mind in the distance with only tears to soothe the cracks in my armor.
My coke was running low as I felt the tremors going through my body, the need was now becoming stronger than the want and my son was still...to still and I was weeping for him to move.
"Please...I can do better...please baby? Please move...please?"
I felt bitter and helpless and it was my own damn fault.