Chapter 37: Cold (Maxwell)

Normally my sobs send me into a deep sleep but laying there as the fireworks went off, bringing in the new year I couldn't seem to fall into sleep.

There was a mirror laying on my bed with the last remnants of coke that I had left and while I wanted it badly, my son hadn't moved in almost a full day and I couldn't bring myself to give in.

An hour went by and then two hours...then came the texts and phone calls wishing me a happy new year but I didn't answer. I just continued to weep.

"Please God, let him be okay...please?"

I could hear a lot of drunken laughter outside and then a firecracker.

There was a knock on my front door and then footsteps and then a knock on my bedroom door. I looked at the mirror with the coke and knew that I had neither the strength to move it or the strength to unlock the door.

So, I just continued to sob.

"Please...baby...please?" I whimpered.

"San, I know you are trying to be independent but I'm worried about you, please let me in?"

At the sound of voice, a deep pain struck my stomach and I cried out as my son gave a weak kick.

I could hear her ramming her shoulder against the door and then there was the pop of the lock.

"No...please...Q...please no."

She came closer to me and then stopped short. I expected her to yell or scream at me but instead, she sighed and picked up the mirror. I listened to her go into my bathroom and run the water.

I felt relieved.

And then I felt her grunt as she lifted me off the bed.

"You should not be this light." She said to me and then held me close to her as she helped me to stand in the shower, she was methodical as she stretched my cast cover onto my arm, something that had been impossible for me to do on my own, so I'd only been cleaning the important parts. I leaned against the wall as she started the water. "Do you need help cleaning yourself?" She asked...this time there was no pity in her eyes.

"Yes."

"I should have been a better friend. I'm so sorry...so so sorry."

I watched as she took off her clothes and then stepped into the shower with me, washing my body from head to toe twice.

"He's dying." I whispered to her and she stood there looking stricken. She pressed her hands to my stomach and closed her eyes.

"Pray with me." She said, and I dropped my head and closed my eyes too. Her voice dropped low as she cried out her prayers.

My son kicked right where her hand was, and she let out a laugh.

"I'll do better baby. You two needed me and I was stupid. I'm sorry." She kissed my belly and then looked me in the eye. "You need to be done with that shit, Santana."

"I know."

"How long have you been doing this?"

"Since...that night that Marco...I'm so sorry. Oh God."

"Oh, San, that was over a month ago."

"I know." I started crying and she pulled me against her. If Britt could see us now, she'd feel validated in her jealousy, but this was as far from sexual as anything I'd ever felt.

This is what it took for me to let go of all the walls, I needed someone to literally pull me out of my rut, but I couldn't be the one to chase anyone. I had literally been an emotional and pitiful wretch the solid week between Christmas and New Year's. I didn't answer phone calls, I didn't respond to knocks on my door, and I didn't leave my bed if I didn't need to. There was no way that I was going to let anyone come to my pity party, but Q had never needed an invitation.

"Are you mad at me?" I asked as she moisturized my body. She was diligently focused on her task but when she heard my question, she got up from her knees and looked me in the eye.

"My anger would be a waste of energy. You have been struggling since your dad died. I should have seen that and been better to you. Marco came back, and I forgot how powerless you become. Britt is acting out, fucking around and I should have taken your side, but I've been distracted, it was not the time for me to try and teach you a lesson...I'm just so fucking sorry."

"You're here now and I hate that you broke in, but I love you for helping me get up."

"I love you too. I know stopping the coke is going to be tough and I'm pretty certain that you're going to slip again but I won't leave your side...I want you to know that I'm here no matter what...even if you slip up."

I could feel my scowl, but she just leaned in and kissed my cheek.

Not my lips but my cheek...pain was all I felt but I didn't say a word.

"I don't want to."

"I don't want you to. I want you to prove me wrong but I'm a child of two alcoholics, I have to be realistic...I just need you to really try this time. The meetings suck but they help. Talking about your feelings is shit but it helps. Please accept help."

"Okay."

"Okay." And that was that.

She changed my sheets, made me food with what little wasn't spoiled in my fridge and watched me eat it. Then she changed into my sweats and curled up in my bed with me.

Her hand rested on my stomach, occasionally rubbing and humming.

"He's going to be okay, as long as you are. His life is in your hands...I will fight with you however long it takes."

"Thank you and I'm here for you too Q...even if it doesn't seem like it sometimes."

She choked up and then hugged me a little tighter.

"I needed to hear that...so much."

I woke up to the news that I had missed the birth of my nephew Johnny but was happy to hear that Mami had been there for her. She had flown straight from Puerto Rico to New York, to stand with Sandra as she gave birth to her little boy.

Would Mami be here for me, in that way? Would my son even make it to being born?

It was the second day of the New Year and I had enough of the simpering mess that I had become. It was as if Sue Sylvester had somehow climbed into my head and was ridiculing the mess that I had made of myself, except the voice was Quinn's.

What I expected was for her to be gone when I woke up but what I got was her cursing in my kitchen as she cleaned out my fridge.

The kitchen was a mess and she looked nauseous as she tossed out moldy yogurt that had exploded onto other spoiled food.

My stomach rumbled which surprised me because I hadn't shown hunger symptoms in a while. Then again, without them, I was still pregnant, so I should have been eating.

"Get some clothes on, I'm taking us to breakfast and food shopping."

"I don't really fit any of my clothes."

I was committed to going back into McKinley the same confident bitch that I had always been, so it was time to get back to being myself.

School was supposed to start back up in two days and I wasn't the least bit prepared. I was now five months along and my stomach had decided to really start showing within the last week while I lay there like a slug.

Quinn finished the kitchen and asked me to help her pack away my Christmas tree when I saw the gift from Azimio still sitting on my coffee table with the journal from Q. The big pregnancy pillow was the only gift to make it to my bedroom a week ago, which honestly was the reason that I was able to lay there for so long, damned comfortable ass pillow!

I picked up the book and took a seat in my groove on the couch. The book wasn't insanely long and so I wanted to give it a once over just in case I saw Z and he asked about it. What I wasn't expecting was to get sucked into the damn thing while Q cleaned around me.

"Hey Q?"

"Yeah?" She asked as she blew a strand of hair from her face.

"Come sit with me and look at this book that Azimio brought over."

She looked startled.

"Wait, is he the father?"

"No, he shed some light on what happened that night. Apparently, we never had sex...I just blew him."

She gagged.

"That's gross. So that means you're down to three?"

"Two, Puck and I never finished, shit we barely started so it's just down to Perkins and Marco."

"God, I hope it's Perkins."

"You and me both."

Q sat next to me and pulled my feet onto her lap like she had before, but she didn't rub. She held her hand out.

"Let me see?" I handed her the book and her eyes lit up. "Oh, my goodness, this was one of the best pregnancy books out there. It kept me from becoming a complete psycho."

"Well his mom wrote it."

"No freaking way?"

"Yup."

"Is it weird to ask for autograph?"

"Very weird." I said, and she rolled her eyes.

"I might ask anyway. Go ahead and read, I need to rest my eyes for a second."

The very first page was a short how-to list of ten things that I should be doing right now to get the most out of my pregnancy.

I hadn't gotten any of them right in quite some time and even then, it was because I had people holding my hand.

Rule #1-NO self-pity…it's useless and a time killer (something you don't have!)

Rule #2-DON'T prove them right…they already have assumptions (are YOU making it worse? See Rule #1)

Rule #3-PAMPER yourself while you can because after a couple of months there will be only one kind of pampers and it isn't yours!

Rule #4-PLAN because you only have a short time to set up your future success and if you are in school it's even shorter!

Rule #5-KEEP your friends close…nothing can kill a friendship like this pregnancy can. So, if you have a good network, don't mess it up…do everything to make it stronger because you will need them.

Rule #6-EAT well, eat enough, and be healthy. You may be suffering and depressed but why punish the baby you are fighting so hard to keep?

Rule #8-EXERCISE…the healthier you are the less complications down the road.

Rule #9-EMBRACE life because it's stupid not to!

Rule #10-LIVE your life as if it's just starting not like it's coming to an end.

I threw the book down and nudged Q, she peaked an eye open.

"That list was eye opening, want to help me get my shit together? Rule 5 says I need to keep you close. No time like the present to fix some things."

"Right, I didn't really succeed at that one, only with Mercedes."

"Well if it makes you feel better, I'm failing at all of them."

"I can definitely help you with that."

I would focus on fixing me first and then I would worry about my friendship network when I got back to school.

Fixing things with Britt could wait until then. I was now realizing how much I was squandering a damn good resource, Q. Who else my age in Lima went through a teen pregnancy and walked away stronger than ever?

Only my best friend since I was six!

"Did you go tanning?" I asked as I strapped myself in her car, just noticing that she was darker than normal. She smirked and nodded.

"Actually, I went to see my sister in San Francisco for a few days...I got to actually sit by the pool without interruption because her kids were with their grandparents."

"Oh...sounds nice."

"Mmm...not as fun as when I do it with you."

"Nice to hear."

"Yea...I'm sure it is. I really did miss you."

As dorky as it sounds, knowing that Quinn missed me, made me feel loved.

Having Quinn with me while I was shopping for maternity clothes proved to be a godsend. There is no one that gets me like Q does. She kept me away from anything that fell too close to Rachel Berry or Mercedes Jones territory. I mean don't get me wrong, Aretha can dress but I think my style is a bit better.

It also helped that I didn't really have a budget, so I could afford to lean a little pricier, although I tried not to do that too much either.

After lunch in the food court, we shopped more.

Quinn finally convinced me that I looked like a ghost, so I got a spray tan and then we went and got our feet did and our nails shined to utter perfection.

I needed this badly!

Thank God for Q being so amazing and Azimio for that book!

We had shopped like crazy and I had even bought Quinn an, I'm sorry I was douche present. I let her pick it out and she ended up dragging me into a hippie looking store.

Even though I moaned and groaned, I was checking out some of the stuff.

When Quinn picked out this dress that I coveted from the moment that I saw it, I pouted. It only came in three sizes, none of them higher than a 6.

Q caught my sad look and pouted back at me.

"Don't worry, San I'll let you borrow it after you lose your baby weight."

"Gee thanks!" I said as I swiped my debit card.

Who knew if that was going to ever happen...then again, with my ability to go days without eating, it was a probability.

Overall, it had been a successful shopping trip and I was doing my best to stick to the rules of the book and be pleasant.

Even Quinn noticed and commented on it a few times.

You know, for me, it is really fucking hard to be nice when you haven't done it on a regular basis, but I was making a damn good effort.

After clothes shopping, I was wilting a bit, but she put me in one of those wheelchair shopping carts and walked beside me tossing things she knew that I'd eat into the front of it.

"I think that I'm going to stay with you for a few days, at least until school starts...is that okay?"

"Yeah, it might be good."

"Craving?"

"All day long, Q but I'm okay and he's moving again."

"Good, any pain?"

"Some."

"Okay, then make sure you pick out any snacks you might need because you are going to be back in bed or on the couch resting for the next two days until we have to go back to school."

"And what, you plan to take care of me?"

"Yes."

"For real this time?"

"Yes."

We shopped in silence and then she took my debit card and paid for the groceries. I was tired and could feel my irritation rising. Q for her part, tried to keep me happy, right down to getting me to go from the shopping cart to the car while she shoved the groceries in the trunk.

By the time we got to my place, I was cold, cranky, and just wanted one little hit and as we sat there in the car, I knew that there had to be some more stashed in it, but I didn't even have the energy to search.

I plopped down on the couch and kicked off my shoes while Quinn unloaded and put away the food. My arm was sore, and I was ardently trying to avoid the only thing that usually numbed the pain, so I didn't even bother helping.

"You know what's perplexing me?" I asked as she came out into the living room and sat in the recliner. She tossed me a bottle of water and then cracked one open for herself.

"What?"

"What made you come here last night, it was New Years and you could have been out with Rachel."

"Because a lot has happened in the last week, including me and Rachel breaking up for good."

"What?!"

"It was bound to happen...now, we should have a talk about other things that are more important than my drama."

"Like what?" I asked as I propped my feet up on the coffee table and rubbed my belly.

"You."

"What about me?"

"San, you have got to get it together. You're pregnant not dying. You look thinner then you should. I mean before today when was the last time you ate?"

"I can't remember." I said feeling ashamed of myself.

"My godson is too young to be on a Cheerios diet." She said, with her best captain ice queen bitch stare but I rolled my eyes at her.

"I know it's just I feel gross lately and just fat!"

"You're not fat, you're pregnant for God's sake."

I felt a new wave of tears coming on and covered my face with my hand. I knew that I had been neglecting my daily rituals, but I had been so wrapped up in a world of depression that I was still trying to shake.

She left the recliner and dropped down on the couch beside me, pulling my hand from my face. She was looking me in the eyes as she rubbed her hands across my belly.

"Don't cry honey…this precious life in here will be with us soon enough and then you can go back to being that sexy bitch you like to be so much!"

"I'm not sexy now? Like, would you do me?"

"Um…what? Do you? What an odd thing to say. You know I would in another life. Anyway, I think you are one of the hottest, sexiest pregnant women that I have ever seen."

"You mean that?"

"Absolutely!"

"Thanks Q!"

For the next few days, Quinn waited on me hand and foot. She helped me bathe and trimmed my toe nails, she listened to me cry and held me as I slept. The baby was moving again, still slow but steady and it gave me hope that I hadn't fucked up my own kid because of my selfishness.

Quinn had insisted that I get up with her and go into school early on our first day back. She had been a saint, so I didn't argue. My stomach was way more prominent than before break, there was no denying my pregnancy anymore. I expected to be ostracized and picked on when I walked through the school doors, but nothing had changed.

Everyone was just bustling around like normal. I breathed a sigh of relief, I had been waiting for pregnant lesbian jokes, but they never came. It became a little more obvious that there was a plan in place when I saw Jacob Ben Israel on his way over to me but one of the football players stepped in his way and made him run in the opposite direction.

The protection made me smile as I headed straight to my locker hoping to avoid seeing Britt a little longer, I wasn't ready to talk to her just yet. Q getting me to this point had been nothing short of a miracle and I knew that even though I seemed okay on the outside, my head and heart were still all screwed. I needed to prepare myself with the right words and the right apologies.

When I got to my locker unscathed, I turned around suddenly and realized that I was being watched by several football players but not in that joking slushy way but in a protective way.

People had been going out of their way to walk around me. When I spotted Sam walking by, I grabbed his jacket sleeve and leaned in.

"Hey Trouty, What's with the football team?"

"After practice this morning Azimio put a ban against slushing you and he asked the football team to enforce it, so now you have your own personal bodyguards."

"Wow, that fucking rocks!" I said as I grabbed what I needed for my class. Sam lingered a little longer than I liked, so I finally decided to pay him some attention, so he would leave faster. "Spill it. What do you want?"

"So, are you with him now? Is that his baby?" he asked while stuffing his hands in his pockets.

"No and no, he's just a really good friend."

"Good to know. You look beautiful by the way."

"Thanks, Sam, so do you." He blushed, and I winked.

I was surprised that I meant that honestly as I said it and it felt good to be nice to him for once. I closed my locker and gave Sam a kiss on the cheek before walking off to my first class.

I made it all morning with not a change to my usual school schedule and everyone stayed of my way. My spirits were slowly lifting as the day went on because when I walked the hallways it was like I was in my Cheerios uniform again instead of a track suit.

Q had been checking in throughout the day and I was happy to be honest with her, my need for coke was dwindling and the kid seemed to be gaining strength. Peacefully, I rubbed my belly and then opened the locker, so I could put stuff away and grab my purse.

I was feeling a million times better than yesterday and was looking forward to eating something, that was a major change and it felt so fucking good.

But I should have known it wouldn't last...nothing good ever does.

I had just put my books in my locker and was about to close it when I felt the cold and sticky feeling of a slushy being poured over my head.

You could hear a pin drop in the hallways, as I stood there covered in blue slush.

The sound of my scream was probably heard in China.

I still hadn't moved but I had begun to cry, and I mean flat-out sob, the tremor that probably looked like shivering was back and all I wanted to do was go search my car after I killed the asshole that thought it was okay to fuck with me.

Over the last couple of days, I had worked so hard to get myself to a point of comfort and happiness and then this shit had to happen.

Was my happiness too much?

All I knew was that I was going to kill whoever it was that fucked up my day!

I wiped my sleeve over my stinging eyes and licked my lips before opening my eyes. There she stood, holding an empty plastic cup in her hand, staring down at me with harsh blue eyes.

All the goodness and warm feelings were officially gone. I could see why the football players were nervous, who would have thought that Britt would do this. I mean she was the only Cheerio that bought slushies and drank them. Plus, who would want to get in between me and Britt to stop something like this...other than Quinn?

My eyes were stinging, and my pride was wounded. I was furious that she would do this to me, her of all people should know to leave a happy Santana the fuck alone!

All my resolve to fix things went flying right out the fucking window.

"We are so over do you hear me Brittany Pierce? WE ARE OVER! Fuck you!"

"You don't get to decide that on your own, Santana!"

"Yes, the hell I do! What the fuck were you trying to prove just now? Do you have any idea what it took for me to get up this morning?"

She had the sense to flinch at that because no, she had fucking clue.

"I just wanted to get you to talk to me and it worked."

"Yea well, fuck you! How's that for talking?"

I reared back to slap her, but two things happened simultaneously, someone grabbed my arm before I could make contact but not before I watched the love of my life flinch away in fear like I was Marco fucking Vega.

Britt stood there with her eyes scrunched shut as I was yanked away from her.

Sue Sylvester had the sleeve of my jacket in a death grip as she pulled me into her office.

I heard the door shut behind us and saw Quinn standing there arms crossed and face burning in anger.

"Lopez, Q told me about your extra curriculars over break. I was coming to check on you just now when I heard you screech and then you were visibly about to assault one of my Cheerios?"

"Q, should mind her own fucking business and Brittany deserves that shit."

"You are my fucking business, who looks out for you like I do and nobody deserves that shit!" Quinn screeched.

"Does no one give a shit about me just being slushied? I'm pregnant!"

"There are worse things, you still have your baby, San."

"Yea well that was your damn decision."

"And getting high while pregnant was yours...I'm worried about you and Sue actually gives a damn about you...just like me."

"Why couldn't you let me speak for myself? Did you know she was going to do this?"

"No...I would have stopped her."

"Well, whoop ti do. I need to go."

"Wait...just know she's there waiting for you."

"She's where?"

"The apartment."

"Why work so hard to get me on track, only to take her side again?"

"She was only reacting to you ignoring her all day."

"I told you that I would talk to her and I was going to at lunch! Was all this really necessary?" I asked gesturing to my blue tinted clothes and skin. "I'm done with her Q and I'm done with everything else too, unless it has to do with my classes I don't want any part in it."

"What about glee club?"

"Fuck the glee club I'm done!" I screamed out.

"San?"

"Fuck you too, Lucy! Stay away from me."

I didn't bother staying for the rest of the school day, I grabbed my expensive leather coat and pulled it over my sticky clothes. There was a pounding in my head, I was outraged. I didn't grab my books or even look back to see if I was being followed, I just strutted out the school and headed home.

Fuck McKinley.

By the time I got to the door of my apartment my clothes had become frozen solid and my skin was burning from the ice. It took me almost ten minutes to get my hand to stop shaking long enough to get my key in the lock.

Sadness seeped from my pores, I needed a hit and some sleep but now I had to deal with this bullshit.

Five steps forward, ten steps back.

I was back to feeling depressed but now I was angry on top of that, knowing she was there though I didn't take a detour to my car because it would only make things worse.

Britt and I needed to square off with me completely sober. Once I was inside, I just stood there in my living room, allowing the heat to absorb into my skin.

"You should really get in here and shower before you get sick."

When I heard her voice in my apartment, I stormed towards her knowing that there wasn't a single person to stop me from beating her ass but then I looked at her and my resolve melted away.

That pink scar above her eye and the way she looked at me with sad eyes, told me that she was sorry for doing what she had done.

Maybe she thought she was being funny or cute...she hadn't realized that I was already at the end of my rope. She didn't know about me and Marco...or my relapse. All she knew was that I had taken this break and made it into a break up without even talking it through with her.

We weren't on the same page or even in the same book anymore. Just looking at her standing there in my kitchen in a pair of my sweats acting like I should understand all her intentions, and I did, I knew that no matter how hurt I was in that moment Brittany S. Pierce was still the one for me.

"You broke me." I said. "I was already barely holding on and you broke me."

"I know. I'm sorry. Let me fix it?"

"I'm in knots, B."

"Untangling knots in my specialty...let me fix it?"

I stood there, cold and sticky, feeling so many emotions as I stood there my sobs coming before I could stop them. Dropping my walls completely was something only reserved for Quinn.

Until now.