Chapter 40: Come Back Song (Darius Rucker)
Every day for two weeks, I could feel her eyes on me, but I did my best to ignore it. I was flying high at first and then after letting Quinn back into my good graces on her birthday seemed to have sparked some hope in her and that pissed me off.
So, I went into school on a mission.
Only my mission wasn't going to be as simple as I would have liked.
The football team was only protecting me and the Cheerios, while they still respected me weren't going to cross a mandate from Sue.
My morning sickness was ebbing, but I still felt that bile rising when I didn't eat every hour. I could see her concern when I would be hunched into my locker scarfing down toast that I had packed. Every time she looked at me with pity, I wanted to punch her freaking face.
It took three days before I came up with a way to start making myself feel better.
"I need a favor." I said to Rachel when I got to lunch, Quinn hadn't arrived yet, so I had the hobbit to myself for just a moment.
"Okay, what do you need?"
"You know how I had your back all year?"
"Yes."
"It's time to pay up."
"Whatever you need, you can count on me Santana."
"I need you to help me get back at B."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure."
"Will it cause bodily harm?"
"I still love her, Rachel, I don't want to give her anymore hospital visits."
"Okay, I'm in."
"Famous last words." I muttered but she hadn't heard me over the crunching of her celery.
To make my plan work, I needed for Rachel to distract Quinn at the right moments and she was insanely good at it.
"Are you sure about this?"
"Yes."
"It doesn't feel right, Santana. I mean...she's...Brittany."
"You told me that you'd be here if I needed you."
"And I am, I just needed to make sure you were sure."
"I'm 100% sure."
He nodded and then left me in the hallway as he walked off with his friends.
Britt was coming out of a classroom down the hall and when our eyes met she perked up and gave me a little wave.
I glared back at her and her face dropped...for a moment I felt bad.
But then just as I planned three guys walked behind her, each with a different flavor of slushy and before I could second guess myself, I watched as they poured the cold syrup over Britt's head.
It was her very first slushy shower and she sunk to the floor like the wicked witch of the west.
The whole school went quiet apart from my cackling and her sobs.
But then the hobbit let me down.
The crackle of a bullhorn and then instead of Sue's voice it was Quinn's.
"Santana Lopez!"
I flinched as I turned towards her voice.
"She had it coming." I said.
I knew she wanted to explode at me, but I just threw my bag over my shoulder and left the school.
Redemption felt sweet. I had no regrets.
Yet.
By the time I was walking on the track towards home, there were rushed footsteps behind me and then she was grabbing my arm and swinging me towards her.
When our eyes met, her anger melted because I was in tears.
Quinn's cold hands were soothing on my face as she looked into my eyes.
"You violated a slushy ban."
"One that I created and none of us are Cheerios so who cares."
"The hierarchy cares. If Britt isn't safe, then it could open a can of worms. I'm going to have to tear into the football team now."
"You don't have to do shit."
"Santana, if Britt isn't safe...then neither are you. She was the only one with the balls to slushy you while pregnant but now...I don't know."
My lip was trembling and then I leaned into her.
"Why do I feel guilty? She hurt me...Marco...you...that bitch in New York. I deserve to enjoy this why does it hurt?" I was weeping now, ugly crying as I looked into my best friend's eyes.
"Because you love her."
"I wish I didn't."
"No, you don't."
"Fuck...I just...I want her but...I just don't know how to forgive her."
"Then don't. Make her work to get back."
"You're right...is she okay?"
"Rachel is taking care of her. She'll be fine. You're right, she was being an ass and she deserved to be brought down a peg or two. Give yourself time. Are you still going to the meetings?"
"Yes."
"Are you clean?"
"For the most part, yeah."
"And your appointments?"
"Rachel has been going with me."
"Good."
"What can I do to help?"
"Let her know that I still love her...that I just needed to feel some kind of redemption."
"I think she'll know."
"I know it's just...she's Britt."
After Britt got slushied, Principal Figgins refused to get the machines refilled and bringing them from outside was absolutely banned. A line had been crossed. Now people were just bullying the old-fashioned way.
Quinn had managed to still put her foot down without being cheer captain because people just feared her on principle. I began to stuff my days from beginning to end to stay away from drugs.
Power walking in the mornings before cheer practice, knowing full well that Sue was watching even though she tried (and failed) to be inconspicuous. Then I was in the library during free periods, I was working ahead in classes just in case I ended up going into labor early and I was doing my best to avoid lunch and the glee club.
It was the longest period that I went without talking to Britt and I hated every minute of it but at least I was sober.
At least I was leaning on someone.
My nights were filled with Rachel Berry and occasionally Quinn and my son was growing, sucking the energy right out of me.
The cravings were there.
Every single fucking day but I resisted for the most part.
A bump here...two days sober...a bump there...four days sober.
Who was holding me accountable?
It felt like Rachel was filling an obligation holding me up while Quinn supported Brittany.
As time passed though, I started to feel a little more human.
Valentine's was spent eating a huge chocolate bunny and watching horror movies, provided Rachel with enough trauma that I was sure her cuddling against me was more about hiding behind me.
My body and mind though, still wanted Brittany.
I wanted to learn to un-love her, but I'd catch myself watching her when she didn't know I was looking.
She'd started using Quinn's locker instead of her own, just so she didn't have to be close to me.
In classes that we shared, she moved her seat and I knew that she was doing it for me, but it still hurt.
Even though she had been the one to hurt me, I knew that it would take me crossing the chasm between us for us to reconcile.
A whole month went by since I had spoken to Britt and I was missing her more than ever. My hormones were in overdrive and I only wanted one thing from one person.
"You should just talk to her."
"That's just the thing Q, I don't feel like I should chase after her." We sat at the nail salon, getting buffed and shined, as Quinn tried to convince me to start talking to B again.
"She messed up majorly...but if you'll recall you were on a break at the time."
"Break up and never is it right to screw someone's husband...especially not Marco...after what he did to me!"
"In her defense," I glared at her.
"Tread lightly, Q."
"Again, in her defense she didn't know about what happened between you and Marco at that time."
"Fair but still...Marco."
"I know, and that slushy proved just how upset you are and she's been giving you space."
"I know because she cheated."
"Have you asked her why?"
"Huh?"
"Have you actually given her the chance to tell you why she did it?"
"No."
"Okay, maybe start there. You don't have to forgive her, but it at least helps to know why something happened. I'm sure she didn't seek him out."
"At this point, I don't put anything past anyone."
"You've earned that right."
"Damn right. So how are things with you?"
"Celia lives in Chicago with her ex-fiancé in the same apartment."
"I know."
"Her life is there and mine is here for the next eight months."
"Okay...so?"
"For now, I think I want to make sure that I'm really done with Rachel...and in my heart I can't say I am. I want to take her to prom. I want to keep dating her, keeping kissing her and I know it's not entirely fair, but I do love her."
"How does Celia feel about this?"
"Free love Lopez feels just fine. She is down for love in all forms, she asked me if I wanted to be in a poly relationship."
I scoffed and rolled my eyes.
"Of course, she did."
"I told her that I want to be with Rachel until school is over and when Ceily is finally out of that apartment and separated physically from her ex, only then can we make this a real thing."
"Wow...very mature."
"I know right?!"
After getting booted from the Cheerios, Britt and Q had started an after-school dance troop which in my opinion kicked ass. They were doing just fine without Sue and it annoyed the fuck out of her.
For the first time since I have been at McKinley, the Cheerios fell in their national ranking to 5th place overall after losing three competitions with their tired routines.
Sue kept looking at Britt longingly, wanting her to choreograph a new routine but too full of pride to ask. Her loss was my gain, because now I could watch Britt in her true element, center stage...sweaty and hot.
Fuck these hormones.
I had sat in on some of the practices and was insanely impressed, I could see why they wanted Britt on that tour so badly she was phenomenal.
They looked like they were having so much fun and like they didn't miss the Cheerios one bit.
I wanted to be out there dancing along with them, but I was now classified as a high-risk pregnancy and was supposed to be taking it easy, I hadn't shared that tidbit with anyone but Rachel.
All my drug use had finally shown up in how my son was growing. He was too small they said, and his heart beat wasn't as fast. When I saw that, I left my stash alone.
He was becoming more real and I wanted to give him a fighting chance.
After talking to Q about Britt and feeling like I needed to get off way too much, I decided to go see them dance. I really wanted to break the silence and at least hear Britt out. It was the day of my check-up and I was sneaking into another dance practice, I had thirty minutes to get to my appointment, but I just wanted to watch Britt, I missed her so much.
Usually l sat behind them as they practiced and left before they were done but today, I sat facing them, proudly watching Britt shake her tits.
It had been over a month since that day in the locker room and I still hadn't said two words to her, now though, as I was more than halfway through my pregnancy and I needed her now more than ever, I tossed my pride aside.
Her touch was what I had missed the most.
I still had another week with my cast on and I really didn't want to drive myself even though I had a better range of motion and my arm didn't really hurt anymore.
In the meantime, Rachel had been taking me to my check-ups but today she had an audition or something and left me stranded.
Silently, I watched as the music to one of Britt's favorite songs of the moment, "Dynamite" by Taio Cruz came blasting over the speakers. I thought it got annoying after a while, but she thought it was the perfect song to dance too and while I was skeptical when I first heard it come on, watching Britt improvise was almost like watching magic happen.
Her dancing was arrogant and, in your face, but that was how Britt danced the best. The beat was going, and the troop was moving in unison behind B and following her moves.
Then the song dropped off and the beat got louder, that's when I saw her.
Britt had on those booty shorts and a tank I bought her awhile back. She was doing a solo and the way that she moved made me hot all over, I just wanted to jump her.
I had been so entranced that I didn't notice that she was now dancing alone, when a body sat down next to me, I knew that it was Q, but I only had eyes for one person.
"San?" Quinn said as she was trying to catch her breath.
"Hmmm?"
"San?"
"Shhh...she's coming." I said as I watched that fine ass body move towards me.
Britt had finally spotted me, and her blue eyes were sparkling. Before today, I had tried to not be obvious that I was there to watch her perform but today, I didn't care.
She pulled out her hair tie and shook her hair out and I felt my throat get dry at the sight.
These hormones were a bitch, I was supposed to be angry at her, but I felt nothing but passion.
When she stood right in front of me I couldn't take my eyes off her and her nipples were perky and peeking out at me. I licked my lips and before I knew what I was doing I stood up and pulled her lips against mine.
The kiss was slow and searing. As she touched me I felt my skin tingle.
I felt my son kick as I pressed into her and then she jumped back.
"Cock-block" I muttered.
"Did the baby just kick?" she asked excitedly.
"Yes, at the most inconvenient of moments. He is so grounded when he comes out."
"Ana, you can't ground a baby."
"Just watch me!" I muttered.
"Did you come to see me dance?"
"Yea and it was fucking hot." She blushed as I pulled her back to my lips but just then the alarm on my phone went off. "Shit."
"What's wrong? What was that?"
"It's the reason I came here actually. Do you want to come to my sonogram with me?"
"Yes! I want to more than anything!" she was jumping up and down clapping her hands and I couldn't help but laugh. "After everything my Britt Britt was still in there."
I laid on the table at the doctor's' office with my stomach out and ready to get covered in that gross stuff. I hated it, but I endured it for what came after that.
Britt lightly placed a hand on my leg causing me to jump.
I looked up and saw the tears in her eyes.
"I deserved that slushy shower, I'm sorry I did that to you."
"I know."
"You're not going to say sorry, are you?"
"Fuck no, I need you here with me. I've missed you...you're missing this, and I know how much you wanted to be a part of it. So, I gave in, but I don't know if we are okay...know that."
"I'll do anything to make it up to you. You look so beautiful and I have missed so much. Do you know what it is yet?"
I nodded my head and then placed my cast covered hand over hers. I took my other hand and wrapped it around her waist and pulled her closer.
"It's a boy."
She leaned down and hovered. "Can I kiss you?" I nodded and then she kissed my lips sweetly before kissing my belly right in the center. I thought of Rachel immediately and laughed out loud. Britt looked up at me puzzled but I just smiled and pulled her down for another kiss.
I wanted her back with me...I just needed her to see that I was ready to just be with her and that I needed the same from her, total devotion.
This wasn't my first time hearing my son's heartbeat, but you could tell that it was Britt's.
She stared at the monitor in awe and held my hand tightly.
"That's amazing! Can I have a copy of that?"
"If it's okay with the mom."
"Doc, this is his other mom she can have whatever she wants."
"In that case, I hope to see you more often Brittany. The next couple months are going to be rough for Santana. She needs low stress, foot rubs, and that low-calorie diet plan that I sent her home with last time."
"Why is there something wrong with the baby? With Santana?"
I turned my face from them and focused only on the screen with my son's profile, his heartbeat was still lower than all the books said it should be and I knew it was my fault. I was hoping to avoid this topic, but it looked like I wasn't going to get that wish. I was trying not worry about it, so I had just been ignoring the diet plan and just ate less of everything and tried to avoid stressful situations.
"Santana? Have you been secretive?" The doctor asked me, but I didn't answer instead I just shrugged. "Brittany are you serious about taking care of these two?"
"Absolutely, from here on out I will do whatever needs to be done for my family. I promise."
I couldn't help the smile that crossed my face but still, I looked away as the tears came.
"Okay, Santana go ahead and get dressed. When you're done we can further discuss."
"Can you um...print out another diet plan?" I mumbled, and the doctor gave me a stern look.
"Yes, get dressed and we can talk."
Once she was out of the room, I wiped off my stomach and changed back into my top. Britt was looking at me with worried eyes and I tried to smile at her.
"Are you really sure about being here for us?" I asked her, and she nodded.
"I'll do whatever it takes."
There was a knock at the door and the doctor came back in with a bunch of papers.
"Are you going to follow these this time?"
"Yes, doc."
"And you, Brittany...you're going to be my backup, right?"
"Heck yeah, they obviously need me."
"That's good to hear. You being around is important because Santana here has gestational diabetes. She also has high blood pressure. This can cause strain on the baby and cause complications during labor. Santana tells me that she has been tremendously stressed lately and that she has been just barely been hanging on as far as kicking her addiction...I know you didn't want me to divulge this much Santana...but it is for the best. Her activities have influenced the baby's heart and we are doing our best to be sober. Right Santana?" I nodded and wiped at my tears. "Brittany, I hope you can see why I'm worried for both of them?"
My body shook as I wiped at my tears. Holding all this stuff in had been hard on me. Rachel did the best that she could, but she wasn't B.
I needed a partner in this and the only person that I wanted was now finally standing right here, squeezing my hand tightly.
Brittany wiped my eyes and then whispered to me sweetly,
"I'm here now, Ana, please don't cry." she kissed me again and then wiped my face. I was overwhelmed with my life, I had been shouldering that burden for all these months alone. I knew that my life was in jeopardy and so was the life of my son and I was utterly terrified that I was fucking it all up.
I was still mad at her, still enraged that she'd tried to fuck Q but what hurt more than anything is that even with all that, I still wanted her.
"Why didn't you tell us?"
We sat at my dining room table with Quinn and Rachel as Brittany looked at me waiting for an answer to her question.
"Well I did tell Rachel."
They both shot daggers at her.
"I did what I could. San and I eat dinner together almost every night. We watch movies, I do all that I can, plus she begged me not to say anything."
"It's okay. I'm okay. I have been doing everything. I don't even wander the halls at school anymore. I got the okay to drive my car and now that the cast is coming off in a week, I can do more but I still haven't driven. I'm trying my best here, okay?"
"Okay, fine but me and Britt could have helped you."
"Well...obviously some heavy shit got in the way, but you know now so be my village. Support me like I need and stop doing things to stress me out. No more lies and slushy showers. I need peace...can you give me that?"
"We just need to be honest with each other...there is so much tension and crap going on, but we are a family and we can't let crap pull us apart." Quinn looked at me desperately like she had been holding in this speech for a long time.
"I couldn't agree more Q and I'm trying but I just have all of this on my mind. We squashed our stuff but me and B haven't...it's weighed on me...and I worry that you're keeping more stuff. It gets me worked up."
"Okay, I totally understand, but can we all just agree to no more secrets?" Quinn looked at me apologetically.
This was the first time that we all addressed the situation while we are all in the same room.
I had forgiven Q and Rachel had forgiven her and Britt. It was me though that was the hold up, I was on the fence with Britt, so it really came down to me in the end.
I just wanted my little family back together so eventually, I had to forgive her.
So, I said what I had to make things better.
"Look, let's get rid of the elephant in the room and push it behind us. Are you two going to cross the line and fuck each other?" I looked between Quinn and Britt. They both shook their heads. "Then all is forgiven. Right, Rach?"
"Yes. Can we put it behind us, now?"
"I would love to!" Quinn breathed out a sigh of relief.
"What about my other two, Ana?"
"Do you want me to slushy you again?" I snapped, and she flinched.
"No...I just...I hurt you bad and I don't want to get a pass if you're going to be carrying it around and getting stressed out. It's not good for you."
Britt said cautiously as she looked at me nervously.
Fuck!
Rome wasn't built in a day...I knew that there was more to the story and Britt wouldn't do it to be spiteful...right?
I could suck it up and get over it, for now.
"As much as it hurts me to think about it...let's just put a pin in it for now. Okay B?"
She nodded and wrapped her arms around me.
Before I knew it, I was at the center of a big group hug.
I allowed it for a couple seconds and then I began to push away when I had enough.
Quinn and Rachel left soon after the sappy and endless hug.
Now that they were gone, that left me and B alone together for the first time in months.
I didn't know how to act so I just tried to go about my nightly routine and she would jump in somewhere, I figured. I got up from the table and climbed into my usual nook on the couch.
Exhausted, I pulled my big blanket from the back of the couch and wrapped it around myself.
I had been doing this ritual for so long that I didn't even realize that Britt was watching me. I grabbed a book from the coffee table and began to read.
"So, this is what you do every night?" B asked as she perched on the edge of the coffee table right in front of me.
"Pretty much." I shrugged not thinking it was a big deal...there were things that I had done in the past.
I couldn't party anymore, so I indulged in other things.
"Do you even exercise?"
"Ummm...not really. I have been waiting for the ice to melt."
I shrugged, it was mid-March so that could be true right?
"Come on get up and get dressed." She grabbed my book right out of my hands and put it on the table behind her, far enough out of my reach that I would have to uncurl myself and get up just to get it back.
"Why?" I was whining now. "I just want to sit here, my ankles hurt."
"If you walk around the block with me just once I will give you a foot rub when we get back."
"Make it a foot rub and a back rub and you've got yourself a deal!"
Once I got outside and the fresh air hit me I immediately began to feel better. I wrapped Britt's hand in mine and didn't let go.
"Thanks for getting me out here, B"
"I said that I am going to take care of you and I meant it...it's been way too long for you to have been doing it alone."
"Yea it has, plus, Valentine's Day sucked without you."
"Mmmm." she mumbled.
"What's wrong?"
"It's just that...ugh...I know you said you wanted to put stuff behind us, but I don't think I can."
"Would it make you feel better if you told me what you were thinking or what happened?"
"Don't you want to know, I would want to know at least some of it. Aren't you even a little curious?"
"No...not really but if it will make you feel better, at least tell me about how you ended up with Marco."
She squeezed my hand a little tighter and then raised it to her lips and kissed it.
I knew that this was going to be hard for me to hear but I felt like if we could get through this then we could get through anything.
"When I first got to the city back in November, I had to sit out of practice for the first few days because of the concussion. I still showed up to every practice that whole week because I didn't want to miss anything. One of the nights Frankie and I had been practicing this one move repeatedly and you know me, I wouldn't sleep if I didn't get it just right, so I stayed long after she left. Our practices were in the hotel, so it wasn't like I had to leave the building to get to my room, so I felt safe. So that night as I'm practicing Marco showed up and started telling me that if I ever got between you again, he'd come for you and that he could get to you anywhere and wanted to let me know that he knew how to get to me too."
"Wait, so this happened way back then, so he happened first? Right after you got him to leave my apartment? Right...after I hurt you?"
I felt so sick to my stomach as I thought of how much Marco had gone off the deep end, he had some serious delusions of grandeur, as if he was fucking untouchable.
I took a deep breath and just hoped that he was enjoying his prison cell.
"I know, he doesn't like to be embarrassed, you told me that once and now I have seen it myself. He kept threatening you and I had heard enough and so I told him that I would do whatever he wanted to get him to leave you alone, forever. So, he offered to make me feel...he wanted me to see what it was that kept you coming back to him...I took him back to my room with me and he got me high and then it happened. I kept telling myself that this was for you and when it was over, he promised to back off. I was so sick when you told me that he got to you anyway. I was feeling so guilty when I thought he'd tell you."
"Did he hurt you?"
I was trying my best to stay calm but inside I was freaking out,
He had basically forced himself on her just to stick it to me.
"He tried to, but I think I'm stronger than him or he was just too high to put up a fight."
"He wanted to control you after you made him leave the apartment. He wanted to get me back for choosing you over him. Why didn't you tell me?"
"I tried. I called, I texted, and you didn't answer my phone calls. I felt dirty and heartbroken, so I started partying with the other dancers to distract myself. One night, I went out to a club with them and Frankie was dancing close against me and she kissed me, and I didn't stop it. I went back to Frankie's room with her a couple nights after that and we just fell into bed together. She started to get possessive and wanted me all to herself. If I mentioned, you she freaked on me. I told her I couldn't deal with her, I needed to be with you. She wanted more from me and I wanted nothing from her."
"Was the sex good?"
"Yeah...but not as good as you."
"Good to hear.
"So, I quit the tour right before Christmas, caught a plane and crashed at Quinn's. When I asked about you, Quinn told me how you were depressed and being a bitch to her but that you had reached out to Rachel. I just wanted to see you for five minutes and you wouldn't let me, even though it was Christmas Eve so after that, I went back to Quinn's and we got really wasted and she told me how she loved you first and slept with you first. I was furious, so after we argued about you, I was trying to prove to her why I was better for you. She stopped me when I started pushing myself on her, past kissing and I backed off. I just kept screwing up, I'm so sorry."
"Wow...so this Frankie chick got clingy?"
I didn't want to think of her with Quinn or Marco any longer...those stung the most, so I focused on the dumb bimbo instead.
"Yea...I was waiting for my creepy kitten calendar."
I barked out in laughter nearly slipping on ice.
Britt wrapped a hand tightly around my waist saving me from falling on my ass.
When we got back up to the apartment, my bladder felt like it was going to explode so I rushed to the bathroom and when I came back out Britt was stretched across the bed reading my journal.
"What are you doing?"
"Reading your depressing journal!"
"Hey, I was in a dark place when I wrote that stuff."
"Okay...yea...I see that! I can also see that you really should learn to write with both hands...it looks like a chicken wrote this!"
"So, you got jokes?"
I grabbed the journal from her hands and leaned over and kissed her upside down.
"That was like Spider-man!" she giggled and then gently pulled me down on the bed with her.
Being with her like this was how it was supposed to be. No Marco...no tour...no stupid "break" just me and Brittany. I sat with my legs crossed, propped up against a ton of pillows and Britt laid on my knee with her lips pressed to my stomach.
She was mumbling to the baby and whatever she was saying excited him because it felt like he had invited friends over and was having a party in there.
I looked down at Britt and felt tears suddenly spring to my eyes. This was it, this was all that I wanted. I brushed her hair out of her face and was trying to stop the tears, but they were now freely pouring down my cheeks, she still hadn't noticed, not until I started to hiccup.
She looked up at me and when she saw the state that I was in she immediately sat up and pulled me into a tight hug.
"I'm sorry Britt Britt!"
"Hey...no more apologies! We are good again, remember? I'm back...just like you wanted, like I wanted!" she smiled and kissed my wet face.
She let me sob for a while until I regained my senses.
Finally, I sat up and I wiped my eyes with my shirt and then looked up at her. She had been crying with me, silently. I leaned forward and kissed each of her cheeks and brushed my thumb across her lips before leaning in to kiss them.
"Mine." I growled.
"Yes...yours." She said back and then I thought of Marco fucking her and more tears came. I covered my face and just sat there trying to gain my composure. Once my breathing was under control, I tried smiling at her but was failing miserably.
"Ana, sweetie what's wrong?"
"What are we doing, here like this?"
"What do you mean, Ana?"
"What are we? Are we together? Is this still a part of the break?"
"I haven't really thought about it."
"I can't waste time B, I'm about to go through something huge. I need to know where we stand."
"I'm yours, Ana...only yours and I don't want it any other way."
"Pinky promise?" I held up my finger and she wrapped hers around mine.
"Pinky promise."