Chapter 42: By Your Side (Sade)

A little boy with my eyes and the curliest hair, looked up at me with so much love but when I reached for him my hand met glass. I couldn't touch him and then I heard the clink of my wrist and looked down to see a handcuff dangling in the air. When I looked back up, the little boy was crying as he called for me.

"Mami! Sálvame!"

He needed me to save him and I was held back by the glass.

The tears in my dreams woke me from my sleep.

I put my hands on my stomach and felt him moving, I pressed down the way that Q had showed me and received a weak kick back.

My baby was struggling, and it was up to me to save him.

I laid there looking out the window as the sunlight poured in and felt all the guilt morphing into a determination. The door creaked, and I looked over to see Britt looking much better than she had last night. Her hair was up in a bun and her face looked tired, but that smile was a million watts.

"Good morning, sleepy head!"

"Morning B…" I held my hand out to her and she came closer, taking my hand in hers and bringing it to her lips. "How are you, B?"

"Still a little shaken up, seeing you like that scared me but I'm here and will keep being here. I asked them if our sex was too rough and they said it wasn't me...I'm sorry if I hurt you though." She put her other hand on my stomach and rubbed, my son kicked again, and I never wanted him to stop. "And this little guy has a stronger heartbeat today."

"Thank God."

"You got that right, I had Q on the phone praying with me for most of the night."

"Yeah?" I was crying again, all I wanted was to be home with B, wrapped in her arms. I was so pissed that I put myself here again. "When can we go home?"

"Soon…we are waiting for some test results before you can be discharged."

I felt anxious, having a feeling what those tests might be and not wanting to be here to find out what happens when a pregnant woman takes drugs.

Would they call social services this early?

"Oh...is um...Mari here?"

"She's out in the hall…do you want me to go and get her for you?"

"Yea…would you mind if…do you think that I could….can I talk to her alone?"

"Sure baby…whatever you want."

"Thank you."

My sister came bustling in a bit later and without me even having ask her to, she adjusted my bed for me and then she sat on the edge and looked me straight in the eyes. She was double checking that I was sober, I knew it and obviously I was...I hadn't taken that much. She kept looking back and forth between my eyes and then she rested a cool hand on my stomach.

"Thank you for last night and for coming all this way for me. I know you didn't have to be here...just thanks, Mari."

"Cut the shit, I know that you're hiding something…I can see it in your eyes."

"I know...I am hiding something."

"It's bad enough to land you here...right?"

"You're right."

"Well whatever it is…stop doing it and God, I hope it isn't what I'm thinking but if it is, know that you came dangerously close to losing him last night."

"Britt said that he is fine."

"He is…now. I'm not going to ask what you're hiding because I know the Lopez code of secrecy…but stop whatever it is."

"Okay. I'm sorry."

"Enough with the sorry…promise me you are going to start taking better care of yourself, Santana."

"Okay, I promise that I'll try."

"Try opens up the option for failure, sis."

I shrugged...I couldn't lie.

"Yes...and that's why I can't give you more than that, I will try."

"And if you feel like you can't talk to Brittany about something…you can always talk to me. I know that I'm the bitchy sister, but I have never betrayed anyone's confidences. First do not harm and all that shit."

She smiled at me and rubbed my stomach.

"Thank you for everything Mari. I really appreciate it."

"Of course, you are bringing another Lopez man into the world…it's the least that I can do."

"I love you."

"Aw…I love you too sis! Get your shit together...I'm getting them to discharge you before the results come back. You're welcome."

I was so happy to be back in my own home that I immediately took my clothes off as I walked to my bedroom with Britt walking behind me.

"Really?" She said to me when she caught up with me in the bathroom.

"Shower with me, B."

"If that's what you want."

The bottom of the shower still had a little blood dried on the bottom and I pulled down the shower head to rinse it off while Britt took her clothes off. I stepped inside when the tub was clean but when I turned around, there was Britt reaching into the trash can and picking up a little baggie.

I froze as she looked at me, waiting for whatever lie I was going to tell.

"Please, B?" I reached out to her and she put the baggie in my hand and then shook her head.

"Is that why?"

I shrugged and dropped the baggie to the floor, reaching for her again.

"Come on B...please? You promised to be here."

She was fighting tears, but she climbed into the shower with me anyway.

"What do you need from me?" She asked as she poured soap onto my loofah and rubbed it into a lather. "I said I would take control and then my guilt made me back off but if that's really what you need...just tell me."

I dropped my face and her soapy finger raised it back up until we were looking into each other's eyes. "I don't trust myself, B."

"So, what, you need someone with you all the time now?" I shrugged. "Santana...please tell me what you need?"

The use of my full name had me sobbing against her as I nodded. "Yes, okay...I need you...I need...people." I said.

"Then I will make sure that you have people with you until you feel like you can be alone without being tempted. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Let this be the last time you lie to me about this. Even if you feel ashamed, you can't keep this from me. I need to know when you are struggling so that I can help you."

"Okay."

"Let's get you cleaned up so that you can relax on the couch. The doctors don't want you standing for too long."

From that moment on, I just gave into her tiny commands because I knew that trusting myself wasn't helping anyone.

Especially not my son.

His little voice was still in my head screaming out, "Mami! Sálvame!", I couldn't do it on my own but hopefully with Britt's help I could do what needed to be done.

Finally.

"Are you sure this is okay" Britt moaned as she rested a hand on my head. I needed to have her in that moment and wouldn't take no for an answer. In response, I sucked harder and she let out a yelp and her body went stiff.

I knelt there on the carpet and ran my hands over her thighs as she sat on the bed. In my mind, I was replacing my escort moments with thoughts of Brittany and this was a big one. My hormones were in overdrive and I wanted to cum so badly, but Britt said it was too soon.

So, I knelt and begged for her to let me taste her. She was panting and squirming through another orgasm, as I tried to make up for what I had done.

Even with this, I knew she'd sooner turn straight than to forget that I had nearly killed the baby.

After helping me to stand, she sat with her hands on my stomach, pressing down and waiting for the baby to kick her back. She did it over and over until I covered her hands to still them.

"If he keeps kicking my bladder, I'm going to pee on this carpet and your feet."

Her eyes went wide.

"Oh."

"Yeah, oh...don't rile him up."

"I just want to make sure that he's still okay."

"Thank you for loving him, B."

"He's a part of you, there's no way that I couldn't love him."

After spending time brushing through my tangles and rubbing lotion into my skin, Britt set me up on the couch and brought me everything that I could possibly need.

She put my laptop on a TV table right next to me, with the two books I was reading and my journal. Then she put on my comfy socks and propped my feet up on the ottoman she'd brought from home.

I was insanely cold, so she turned up the heat even though the flush in her face told me that it was probably like hell in here.

When she put her jacket on and stuck my keys in her pocket, I could feel my face fall.

"Wait...where are you going?"

She pulled her phone out of her pocket and showed me her notes app.

"I put your food guidelines in my phone and I made a shopping list. I'm also going to stop at the pharmacy and pick up your prescription from the hospital. I'll try to be quick."

"But why?" I whined, kicking my feet like a child.

"Ana...part of being healthy is doing all the things that your doctor says. At the hospital, your sugar was double what it should be, and they were really concerned. You said you'd let me take over. Was that a lie?"

If this was the next few months...I was going to go nuts, but her heart was in a good place, so I couldn't fault her too much.

"No B, I meant it."

"Okay great! I'm going to go shopping as soon as Quinn gets here. Damariz should be calling to check on you once she gets home. Is there anything that you can think of that you need?"

"I have to pee."

I felt bad when she kicked her shoes back off and then helped me out of my groove on the couch, but she smiled without complaint as she helped me to my feet and led me to the bathroom. I have never been comfortable with people watching me relieve myself, but I knew that there wasn't a chance that B would be leaving me alone anytime soon.

Once I was done she checked the bowl to make sure I wasn't bleeding, I rolled my eyes when she wasn't looking and shuffled over to the sink to wash my hands. I truly did think she was overreacting but then I felt a sharp stab in my back and cried out and leaned against the sink.

The panic on her face was more real than I had ever seen.

"Are you okay…come on lets you get you back on the couch."

She tried to pick me up, but I refused.

"No, B, I can walk. Mari said that I would have some back pain for a couple days. I'm okay."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Why don't you hold onto my arm just in case I get dizzy, okay?"

Britt looked anxious as she walked me slowly through the bedroom and the dining room.

When I was finally back on the couch she seemed to be able to breathe again.

She readjusted me until I was back to how she had me before I got up and then sat in the recliner and looked at me with worry written all over her face.

"Britt, I'm okay. I promise."

"We can go back to the hospital."

"I am fine. Okay...please relax."

Why had I been so stupid, leaving that baggie in the trash like that? It's like I wanted her to catch me.

Quinn came breezing in with her Cheerio duffel and her whole manicure kit. Immediately, I felt excited about what was to come. Britt hovered over me for longer than necessary and fluffed my pillows.

"You sure you're okay?" She asked again as she leaned in and kissed my cheek...then my lips and finally my stomach.

"Yes...just go. Take my card and buy yourself something pretty."

"Actually, I might stop at home and see if there was anything else I needed to bring back here, is that okay?"

"Yes...God...go already." I said with a chuckle, but I was beyond serious.

Once she was finally done henpecking me, she stood up and grabbed my debit card and her shopping list.

"Okay Q, she has everything that she needs. She shouldn't have to move. If she has to pee, check the bowl for blood. If you see anything, she'll need to go back to the emergency room. She should be fine just don't stress her out and if you need anything at all…call me. Okay?"

Quinn laughed and put her hands-on Britt's shoulders, turning her away from me so they could see eye to eye.

"Britt…sweetie just breathe, I have had years of practice with Santana and I have been pregnant myself, she is in very good hands." Britt nodded and took a deep breath. "Now get out of here and let San breathe, you should know by now how much she hates being smothered."

Britt looked back at me worriedly and then nodded again as she left.

"Keep your nose clean, Ana." She said and then shut the door.

Finally!

"Has she been like that since you got home from the hospital?"

"Yes…its endearing but I needed a break from it."

"Well here I am."

"That you are. She moved in and it was my idea...but I'm kinda going nuts, Q."

"I heard…you do realize that she calls me every single time that there is a development in your relationship…right?"

"Yeah I can see that."

"I know it's been over a month since the whole slushy incident, but it seems so fast. You hated her and then that happened and now it's like, yay we are living together. Are you sure it's not too much for you?"

"I don't know, Q. All I know is that I need her here with me and being mad at her isn't fixing anything. She explained things to me and I have chosen to just, move on.

"Okay, as long as you're happy then I'm happy for you guys. This took way too many detours."

"Thanks. We talked last night before the hospital…just like Rachel says that you two do."

"Oh…one of those conversations, I don't care for them, but they help. Don't they?"

"Somewhat. I mean I understand better why she did what she did with Marco, I'm not mad about it either. The thing with you was a drunken mistake…I mean look what happened when I got drunk, I am probably pregnant because of it."

"Yea, that kiss with Britt is definitely one I would like to forget. It wasn't one of my better moments, I mean you are awesome and all, but I can't believe I was going toe to toe with Britt over you."

"Well when you're hot like me you get used to people fighting over you…what can I say?"

She rolled her eyes and leaned in, my best friend never tires from gossip.

"So, what about Frankie?"

"Mmmm…the choreographer, I want to kick her ass and I haven't even met her."

"Why?"

"Because while I can justify that shit with Marco and even the thing with you, I can't justify her sleeping with this other chick. That was just pure lust, you know, she did it because she wanted to. She told me that and you know why she stopped it? She stopped it because the girl got too clingy…which made her miss me."

I could feel my pressure rising as I thought of that...not because she loved me but because a bitch needed her too much. As if I don't actually need her more.

"Calm down San, you're getting a bit hype and you just got out of the hospital."

I glared at her for even bringing the bitch up. I just needed to not think of Brittany and some other chick and of course, Q took care of that problem.

"What are you hiding from me, San?"

"What the fuck are you talking about, now?"

"I just mentioned the hospital and you got a guilty expression on your face. Is there something that maybe I should know? Britt told you to keep your nose clean, what did she mean by that? I mean girl, I have been pregnant and have never gone through as much as you. I think I visited the hospital once and that was to give birth."

"Well, I'm high risk and you weren't. I'm fine now though."

"B told me that you asked to speak to your sister alone…did you do something to yourself?"

"Q? Can you, please just drop it?"

"You would tell me if you slipped right?"

I shrugged. "Yea."

"Why don't I believe you?"

"Because you don't want to…don't mention this conversation to Britt…please?"

"Okay, as long as you keep my godson healthy."

"I'm trying."

"It's the trying that I'm worrying about."

We sat in silence for a while after that until I fell asleep from pure boredom. Hanging with Q was usually dope but now there was tension from me not being honest with her.

She'd done my fingers and toes, then she went to make us some tea when I burrowed into the couch and fell asleep right up until I felt the cool air come drifting in, my body began to shiver, so I burrowed deeper into the couch and covered myself with the blanket from head to toe.

Even with that, I was still freezing!

I peeked out and could see both Quinn and Britt coming into the apartment loaded down with bags.

They both smiled at me.

"Are you hiding from us?" Quinn chuckled as she kicked the door shut behind her.

I sat up, while still wrapped up in the blankets and shook my head.

"It's just really cold."

"San, its beautiful outside…it's springtime…get it together!"

"Screw you Quinn!"

I kept noticing Quinn watching me as she helped put away the groceries and then helped Britt make dinner. Every couple minutes I would look up from the tv or from whatever book I was reading and there she was staring at me as if she was trying to figure out some puzzle.

One of the dorkiest things about my good friend is that she loves a good puzzle and she always solves them and for that reason her gaze was starting to make me nervous.

If she knew about my slip, she'd never let it go.

I have never been happier to see Rachel Berry in all of my life.

Quinn looked like she had figured something out and was coming over to me when the door swung open and in walked the midget with a tin can in her hands.

"Rachel!" I squealed in delight, "Are those what I think they are?"

"Yes, now with less sugar! Brittany kindly sent me your dietary guidelines and I realized that if I cut down on the sugar just a little that you could eat a whole tin and still be fine!" She leaned over and placed the tin on the coffee table and then kissed my cheek. "How is my little man today?"

I scowled up at her as she stood between me and the cookies.

Her getting on her knees to talk to my belly was not going to happen with Brittany hovering. She gets more jealous than I do and even though she knows that Berry is not my type, I'd never hear the end of it.

Besides...I wanted those fucking cookies and couldn't reach them like this.

"He's fine, now sneak me a cookie before my two bodyguards notice."

"Don't do it Rachel! If you give her a cookie I'm cutting you off!" Quinn yelled out.

Rachel looked at her in shock and then turned back to me and whispered.

"I love you, San but I can't go without my loving kisses. I promise that I will sneak you an extra cookie after dinner."

"You better, hobbit!"

"Ana, don't threaten the guests."

"Berry is not a guest she is family!"

Rachel started beaming and then when both Quinn and Britt had their backs turned she slipped me a cookie that she had wrapped up in her pocket.

Flattery gets you everywhere. I quickly tucked it in my mouth and winked at her.

She sat in the recliner and grabbed one of my books as I let the cookie dissolve on my tongue.

I put my head back and just enjoyed it, even with less sugar it was still amazing.

God, I could so become a vegan if I kept Rachel around!

"What book is this?"

"1984. I'm reading it for AP English. I am doing my senior project on dystopian realities that could be our future. I'm doing a comparison of older literary references of the future, all the way back to Nostradamus, Handmaid's Tale and comparing it to the Hunger Games."

"Wow, Santana…that sounds like a masters' thesis."

"Well, English is my backup if Law doesn't work out."

"You never cease to amaze me."

"I don't know how to take that, Berry?"

"The Cheerios uniform creates a certain stereotype and-"

"I would stop talking if I were you Rach…you are definitely outnumbered at the moment." Quinn said as she leaned over the back of the recliner and kissed her forehead.

"Thank you for the reminder, my love, sometimes I forget myself."

"That is disgustingly cute." I muttered before mock gagging.

That night as I lay in bed surrounded by my pregnancy pillow and Britt, I prayed again for a way out of my head. My mind was holding me back from the emotions that I needed to make this relationship last, I was in an alternate reality of my own.

A reality where I wanted to stop snorting cocaine but knowing that my car was swimming in it. I knew that if I lost my son, I would probably also lose my friends and my girlfriend.

Maybe even my mind.

I kept falling asleep and imagining a society like Gilead and filled with all the eyes of 1984. All my reading was starting to take its toll.

My phone screen lit up and I saw that I had a text message.

It was my sister and my gut began to tighten up, her knowing meant that my family would eventually be on my ass and that would not be good.

I got your tests results…screw the Lopez code. We need to talk. NOW!-Damariz

Not now-Ana

Right now, before this gets out of hand!-Damariz

I'm in bed with Britt right next to me. I told her and she's already on high alert. Can we do this tomorrow?-Ana

Okay, but I want answers.-Damariz

Fuck!

I was totally freaking out…there was no way to explain things to my sister. Whatever those tests said could be like a ticking time bomb that could ruin my relationship, my life or both.

"Who is texting you at this hour Ana?" Britt mumbled in my ear, I had to be honest with her.

Even if I didn't want to.

"Damariz just got my blood tests."

"Ah...she knows now?"

"Yeah."

"One way or another, your family was going to find out. At least now they can help me make sure you get the help that you need."

"I hate this."

"I know, so do I."

"I'm sorry."

"Shhh...get some sleep, baby. It's going to be okay."

I felt my son playing around in there and I ran a hand over him. After the third rub I could feel him settle down and was finally able to get some sleep.

The next morning, it was hard for me to stay in bed, so I was up and out the door. While Britt slept, I went out to the track and walked until my legs were sore.

Sunday was always my favorite day in Lima. Early mornings were for the runners and church goers. Normally Britt didn't mind when I left her to go for a run, so I didn't think much of it. There was no blood in the toilet and my son was kicking me just as hard as ever.

When I got back, Britt was hugging my pillow, so I climbed in the shower and washed myself...then was as quiet as I could be as I climbed back in the bed.

Britt mumbled something, and I just leaned against her and kissed her face while I was basically humping her.

"I want you so bad." She growled into my ear.

"Take me, B...just be soft...please?"

"Are you clean?" She asked as she hovered over me and my eyes went wide. "Don't look at me like that...you left for over an hour and now you're wide awake and horny."

I leaned on my elbows with my legs spread wide and her kneeling between them and looked her straight on.

"The only high that I have is from power walking."

"When was the last time you got high?" Her fingers were dancing slowly along my inner thighs and I was growling at her.

"Friday night."

"How much?" She asked, her hands still as she glared.

"Two lines."

She had tears in her eyes as she began to rub my thighs again.

"Do you have more?" I pushed myself up and went to close my legs, but her hands clamped on my open thighs. "Answer me."

"Not on me." I said.

"But you can get more?"

"Yes."

"Will you?"

"No, B...please...I promised you and I want to keep that promise. I want nothing but you."

"Good girl." She said and then she was sinking down and sucking my clit between her lips.

The tears were soaking my pillow as she brought me to orgasm over and over again.

I wanted so badly to be good for her and for my son.

So, so much.

On Monday, the bliss bubble of Britt asking me questions and then fucking me when I pleased her was wiped away.

Britt had to be at school early because apparently, she had agreed to attend Cheerios practice with the hope that Sue would invite her back on the team, so she trusted me to sit in the library and wait for class to start.

Since my walking time was supposed to be limited, we actually drove to school and parked close to the building. I sat in the indoor gym for all of five minutes before the bullhorn became too much and I got tired, so I decided to go sit in my car.

I put the key in the ignition and turned on the heated seats, the soreness in my back was immediately soothed and after setting an alarm, I closed my eyes, but the baby didn't want to be still.

So, fuck my need to sleep, might as well call my sister, right?

My mood was already shit. The clock had just hit 7am and I knew that Mari worked early so this would probably be a good time to call her, since I had ignored her all of Sunday.

"Word, Santana?"

"Look…I can't talk long, I just wanted to call you while I was alone."

"What's going on with you, Ana?"

"I made a mistake…just one little mistake and its biting me in the ass."

"You can't afford to make mistakes…you are overdoing it Ana…you are risking your health and the health of your son."

"When you told me to stop whatever it was I was doing I did. I promised I would try and I swear that I am really trying."

"Try harder."

"I am...I swear to you!"

"Do you know the kind of complications that you are creating. His heart isn't strong like it should be. He could die before he even gets to take a breath. If social services gets word of this, they can snatch him right out of your arms. Is that what you want?"

"Of course not!"

"I'm just worried about you, Ana."

"Britt knows and she's been a warden. She's been on my ass about everything and has been holding me accountable. You don't need to worry about me."

"Not going to happen."

"Can you just...Please...this stays between us, right? I can't deal with Mami right now. Can you keep this to yourself? Doctor/patient confidentiality."

"Unless your life is in danger then yes, I won't tell your mom but fuck up again and I will petition for custody and stick your ass in rehab. You want me to treat you like a sister, there...I'd do this for any of the girls. Stay sober and we won't have a problem."

"Thank you."

"Don't make me regret trusting you."

I hung up my phone and saw that first period had started already, which meant that Britt would have been looking for me after practice and here I was in my coke filled car, but I knew I didn't have time to get anything from my spots.

Was I really thinking about this right now? This was starting to get worse than I thought.

Crap!

I turned the car off and climbed out of the drivers' seat.

When I went to shut the door, I saw that Britt was standing on the steps of the school waiting for me, arms crossed over her uniform top.

She got back on the team! So great!

When I got to her, I was so excited for her, but her face was scrunched up and she looked like she was trying to decide whether to be angry or worried.

"She realized she needed you, I'm sure you're happy!"

I kissed her cheek before linking our pinkies and walking towards the double doors. She squeezed my pinky in hers and scowled at me as we stepped inside.

"I was looking for you."

"I got cold."

"So, you sat in the car instead of a warm building?"

"The library doesn't have seat warmers. My back was hurting."

Her angry face broke into a tiny smirk…she had chosen to worry over anger.

Thankfully.

I didn't need Britt angry with me right now.

What I needed at the moment was all her trust and all her love, now.

Whether I deserved it or not was a different story.

A/N: I have nearly updated this whole part of the trilogy there will be 66 chapters in this section, I'm just posting when I can. Once I have this fully up, I'll start rewriting/editing the second part. Thanks for hanging with me. updated 6-23-2020