Chapter 43: Before It's Too Late (Goo Goo Dolls)

Not long after my heart to heart with Damariz and Britt's constant hovering, there was a blizzard that snowed in my car and shut down school for five days.

It was then that I was forced to go legit and be sober, having Britt there with me while I went through withdrawal made all the difference. I couldn't eat or sleep and when I did, there was nothing short of a miracle that wouldn't keep me from vomiting.

"Do you want to admit that this is more than casual yet?" Britt asked me one night as I sat on the kitchen floor, sweating and shivering after vomiting in the sink.

I was in tears as I rubbed my stomach.

"Yes." I said, my throat raw.

"I um...I am no pro at this, but I will do whatever I can to help you. We are in this together."

"Promise me." I whimpered and then my stomach lurched, and I couldn't pull myself to my feet. Britt grabbed the mop bucket and slid it in front of me just in time.

She rubbed my back while I emptied my stomach for the hundredth time.

"I promise you. I'm here. I love you."

For four days, we went on like this me crying and making her promise that she was in this with me and never once did she falter.

It was then that I was able to forgive her for it all, because here she was regardless of what had happened between us. By that weekend, I was able to keep food down again. Britt watched me as I pricked my finger and took my sugar.

Even with barely being able to eat, my sugar was too high. So, Britt watched as I stuck myself with an insulin needle and then she held me as another wave of nausea hit me.

I felt so gross as I fell asleep curled up on the couch with Britt on Saturday night.

"Promise me, B."

"I promise."

"Thank you."

"I love you, Ana. No matter what."

"I love you too."

On Sunday morning, I woke up feeling semi-human again and headed straight for the bathroom on shaky legs. When I plugged the tub and started the water, I got lightheaded and my stomach growled. I waited for the nausea, but it never came.

"Baby?" Britt's voice sent shivers through me as I stood up. She looked me over and then smiled. "You feel better?"

"Yes, I want a bubble bath."

"Okay, brush your teeth and I'll put the bubbles in."

"Do you want to join me?"

"I do, Q's bringing over breakfast from We Lime. Do you want anything?"

It was then that I noticed she had her cell phone in her hand.

"Mustard." I said, and she looked at me sideways before bringing the phone to her ear.

"She's moved on to a new craving...mustard. Yeah. Okay...no bacon, you'll have to eat sausage today."

She rolled her eyes and then mumbled a goodbye before putting the phone down.

As I brushed my teeth, I watched her pour in the bubbles and then she left to go get towels.

"Climb in baby, I'm going to brush and then I'll join you."

Once she was in the tub, her arms wrapped around me, I felt like I could conquer this.

"I'm an addict, B. I'm going to be a teen mom and I'm pretty sure that I'm going to slip at some point. It's always a possibility. I won't be mad if you decide this is too much. That I'm too much."

"I know who you are and what you are. More than anything, I know that I want to be here with you. I promised you that we are in this together and I mean that."

"What does that mean though?"

"It means that I want to be a part of everything that helps you to feel like you're not alone. If you're craving mustard, then we will both be craving mustard. If you need to go for a run, we will both go for a run. If you feel like you need to cry for ten hours straight, then we will both cry for ten hours straight. I hate how much you've been all alone, so I'm in this with you. For better or for worse."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

I'll admit that I had my doubts but as time went by, she had kept her word, even when it seemed like overkill. We were together all the time and I felt cared for. I felt like I had a partner.

And now, for the first time in weeks, she'd had to leave me to go to a competition and she looked ready to quit the Cheerios.

Britt's anxiety was coming off her in waves while we sat at lunch sharing a mountain of tots, she kept bouncing her foot and clearing her throat as she watched a video of their practice.

"You okay, Britt Britt?" I asked, trying my best to smile at her.

"Are you sure you'll be okay for a whole weekend? I'm sure that Sue would understand."

"Britt, it's been a month since I fucked up. I've been sober ever since that blizzard, haven't I?" She nodded and shoved another mustard covered tot into her mouth. Not enjoying it for a second. "You know, B, just because I'm craving mustard on everything doesn't mean you have to, B."

"We're in this together." She said and then dipped her finger in mustard for good measure and sucked it off. "And you're right, you've been super sober. It's just...I'm going to miss your seven-month checkup and I'll be gone until Sunday!"

"That's only really one day, Britt Britt. You're seeing me today on Friday and you'll see me when you get back on Sunday...so really it's just one day."

She smiled at me in that way that I liked, I squirmed a little and then puckered my lips. She kissed me hard and I moaned against her.

"You two need to get a room." Quinn said sliding on the bench across from us.

"We have one." We said in unison and then turned pointing at each other. "Jinx!"

"Are you morphing into one person? What on Earth?"

Quinn stood with me in the parking lot as we saw the Cheerios off. Sue gave us a thumbs up and then they were off to St. Louis for the Mid-West Championship with three new routines created by Britt with secret assistance from Quinn who knew how to be both a flyer and a base.

"What time is the appointment?" Q asked as she adjusted my bag on her shoulder.

"At 6." I looked at my watch and then back at her, "So we should head over now."

"There won't be any surprises, will there?"

"I don't know, I've been telepathically trying to teach him to give the finger...maybe he will wow us with his genius."

"You've got jokes today. Am I sensing a little relief that you'll get a breather from Brittany?"

"Maybe a little, I am anxious though that her replacement will be even more annoying."

"Nah...Judy is dating now and asked me to be a ghost for the next few days. She knows about Britt being gone...I'm pretty sure she's planning a booty call...either way, I will be on my best behavior, so you don't kick me out."

"You literally just gave me the ammo to fuck with you...you realize that, right?"

"Did I? You realize that you gave me ammo about a month ago...about why you landed in the hospital and I've just been waiting to get you alone right...thoughts?"

We were having a stare off and then I stuck out my hand for her to shake.

"Truce?"

"For now."

Why did I poke the bear?

The doctor sat back on her stool reading over my chart and then looked at me with a smile.

"I'm going to be honest with you Santana, when I got your chart from your hospital stay and all of the blood work came back showing the primary cause of your hypertension was extended drug use and your urine came back with high traces of cocaine. I was floored. You had gotten to a good place and 12 hours after seeing me, you were high."

"I know." I glanced at Quinn through the glass of the door as she smiled and chatted on the phone. I was so relieved that she wasn't in here for this. "I fucked up and I corrected it. The moment I saw that blood and felt him barely kicking, I knew that I was skating a fine line."

"I see that. Your sugar is stable, as is your blood pressure and you are finally at a healthy weight. Add to that, your son's heart is beating better. He's still not where I would like but he's better. If you want that upward trend to continue, you've got to stay on this. Addiction is a daily fight...just because Brittany is gone this weekend."

"Wait...you know about that?"

"Yes, she called me."

"She did?"

"Of course, she's invested in this baby and I see that you are finally on the same page. With her gone, you need to be transparent about your limitations and vocal about what you need."

"And what if what I need isn't what I should be doing?"

"Odds are, if it's something you shouldn't be doing then it's a want not a need. Drugs are a want...no matter how your brain lies to you. Got it?"

"Got it."

Quinn linked her arm with mine as we headed back to the car, she didn't ask about the appointment after seeing that my son was healthy and that my numbers were good.

Even though the doctor asked to discuss something with me privately, she didn't seem thrown by it and I was grateful that instead of asking her 50 million questions, she just asked one.

"Wanna grab Breadstix and catch a movie?"

"God, yes."

That night, Q curled up in bed with me and looked me in the eyes.

"You slipped back then, didn't you?"

"I did but I'm okay now, by the grace of God."

"Amen, sis."

Quinn kept me busy from Saturday morning until I collapsed into bed that night.

We baby shopped, we got our nails and toes done and thanks to her I got a long overdue oil change. I got to have Breadstix yet again and then we just ate way too much junk and put together a puzzle.

By the time that Sunday morning came, I felt blissfully distracted from all the temptation and reconnected with my best friend.

I had gone to bed with Quinn by my side and woke up to the biggest grin from Brittany lying next to me propped up on her elbow.

"Hey there sunshine...are you just waking up?"

I was blinking over and over as I looked around.

"What time is it?"

"Almost 2."

"Where's Q?"

"She's in the kitchen working on a puzzle."

"Awesome."

"I called the doctor yesterday and she updated me."

"And?"

"She confirmed what I already knew, that you were doing better."

"Yeah, I am."

"So, I was thinking, since it's the beginning of Spring break, I have an idea."

"Really, like what?"

I was learning to love surprises when they came from Britt and because I had been on my best behavior in the last couple weeks and did everything that I was supposed to be doing, I deserved presents.

There weren't any more scares and I didn't cause any more hospital visits, I had only been back to get that stupid cast off and to have my seven-month check-up.

Other than that, there was no imminent dangers in my life anymore.

Britt held her balled up fist out to me and waited for me to open my palm.

"Is this my surprise?" I asked before taking whatever she had.

"Yes. I hope that you like it as much as I do."

"I'm sure I will."

She dropped something cold into my hand and I cocked my eyebrow at her.

"Open your hand" She said, and I did, there sat a gorgeous platinum band.

"Will you marry me, Santana Lopez?"

I was in shock as I looked down at the ring, it looked eerily familiar and it was expensive…I could tell from the cut of the single diamond.

"Of course, yes." I said as I leaned in and kissed her. She sat up excitedly and took the ring from the palm of my hand and slipped it on me.

It fit perfectly.

"I'm so glad that you said yes."

"Where did you get this ring, B?"

"Your mom, I went to her to ask for her blessing to propose to you and she gave me her first engagement ring from your dad before he gave her an even bigger rock and told me that it was the only ring that would look good on you. She was right."

A tear fell from my eye as I looked at the ring again…of course I recognized it, I had worn it before as a child when I was playing in my mother's jewelry box. Knowing that this was a ring that my father had picked out specifically for my mother made me feel like I had his blessing in a way and it made my heart swell.

"Thank you so much for this Brittany! I love you so fucking much!" I said squeezing her tight to me.

"So, are you ready to get married?"

"I already said yes, Britt."

"No, like this week…while we are free."

"This week?" I balked.

"Yes. We could fly to New York…you are almost at the point when you can't fly anymore, and I don't want to wait until after the baby is already here."

"Okay, let's do it."

"Really?"

I suddenly remembered something that Susan had said to me just a month before and I knew I couldn't answer that question completely just yet.

"I think we need to sit down and talk to your parents first."

"What?"

"I'm serious. You spoke to my mother and I think it is only proper if I speak to your parents. It would make me feel better."

"Okay...I'll call them."

So that morning when most of our classmates where sleeping in on their spring break, Britt and I were dressed in our nicest casual clothes and headed across town to meet her parents for brunch at We Lime Bistro.

Britt held my hand tightly, as we walked inside.

My stomach was getting larger, at least in my opinion, although other moms told me I only looked like I was no more than four months pregnant, but I was still a little self-conscious about it.

We slid into the booth across from her parents and they beamed at us.

I looked up at them and smiled back.

"So, can I see the ring?" Susan asked making me look at her in shock. "Britt told us she was going to do it; can I see it?"

I raised my hand and showed it to her and she smiled one of those huge goofy smiles that I loved on her daughter so very much.

"So, I guess you know why I wanted to have brunch with you then?"

"Yes, but Rob wanted a free breakfast and wanted to see you squirm a little bit." She chuckled.

"Really, Daddy, that's not nice!" Britt pouted, and he shook his head and stuck out his tongue.

"So, Mr. Pierce and Mrs…Susan, I love your daughter very much and I would be honored for her to become a Lopez. I will honor and respect her all the days of my life. Do I have your blessing to marry her?"

They both nodded and then turned to the approaching waitress and ordered brunch like I hadn't just laid myself all out there.

I was always amazed at the stark difference between the Pierce family and my own.

What would it have been like to have them as my parents?

"See Ana, told you no big deal." Britt chuckled as she leaned into me. "Did you want to tell them about our plans for the week?"

"Umm...yes!" I snickered and turned back to her father as he drank his orange juice.

"Brittany wants to get married this week in New York and I said yes."

Her father choked on his juice and began coughing violently.

Susan patted his back and told him to not be such a drama queen.

We all burst out in laughter once he could regain his composure.

"Wow…Santana, I thought that we had topped your grand gesture with our nonchalance but sure showed us! You fit in with us! Have I ever told you how you are my favorite?"

I smiled at Britt and shoved a piece of pancake into my mouth, but she just tickled my side.

"Don't get too excited I have heard him say that to most of my friends and family."

"I am excited…because he finally said it to me!"

That afternoon I got Quinn to keep Brittany busy with some Cheerios business now that Sue had begged Q to come back after they got second place at the competition. Britt had to get Quinn caught up, so it was the perfect distraction.

Quinn was so excited to be a Cheerio again that she didn't even complain about using a Sunday during spring break to practice.

I only had a one-hour window of time before I had to get back to the apartment because I had a checkup with the doctor this afternoon because Britt wanted to get clearance for me to fly. She thought I was just hanging out with at home, but we were going to be doing way more than that. As soon as Britt was safely in the school, Rachel picked me up and we drove to a jeweler friend of my family in West Lima who happened to be Marco's cousin, but I kept that tidbit to myself.

I walked in and the moment Jorge saw me he came from around the counter and held his arms wide open.

"Ay mi'ja, it has been way too long! How are you feeling these days?"

"Very pregnant and very tired but otherwise happy as can be, Jorge this is my good friend Rachel Berry."

Rachel extended her hand for him to shake but he lifted it to his lips and kissed it instead and she blushed as he winked at her.

"Such a flirt! Come on Jorge…let's get to searching, thank you for all your help today on such short notice."

"Nena, don't thank me yet, from what you said on the phone we have very little time to find a ring for this special young lady."

"Si, I need something that is snug and won't snag, she is a dancer and can get a little crazy with her moves, and I don't want it to get in the way."

The three of us spent about five minutes combing through the rings when Rachel let out a gasp. We both rushed over to where she stood and there was the ring. It was exactly what I had imagined and had described to Rachel in the car. It was elegant and perfectly set but not too flashy. It had a smooth look to it and looked like something that wouldn't get in her way too much.

The ring was the perfect size for her ring finger which was extra lucky for me. Happy to be done in thirty minutes, I paid for the ring and then we headed back home.

When I got there, I snuck three cookies before Britt and Quinn got back.

Today was just turning out to be incredibly amazing.

Rachel and I were just setting up a movie when they walked in both looking worn out in their Cheerio uniforms.

I was shocked. I didn't think Quinn would find something for them to do but apparently Sue didn't pass up the chance to have two of her best Cheerios at her disposal for a few hours.

They'd created a fourth routine.

Britt staggered into the kitchen and bumped around a little bit and then peaked over the counter.

"Santana Lopez? Did you take three cookies?"

I looked at her guiltily and shook my head.

"No babe...It was Rachel."

"Are you sure?"

"No, I swear…damn...fine...it was me." I said smiling my cutest smile and rubbed my belly. "Your son wanted them so badly."

"Don't blame him…that's not nice."

"Hey…it's true. To make up for it I have a surprise for you…come here a sec."

Britt came over after tossing her sneakers on the floor next to the couch and I pulled her in front of me. She smelled like sweat and looked exhausted but still, I wrapped my arms around her waist and rested my head on her stomach.

"I love your hugs, baby but how is this hug a surprise?"

"Oh, that wasn't the surprise, I just wanted a hug."

I sat back and held my fist out to her and waited for her to open her hand. She looked at me sideways while smirking and opening her hand. I dropped the ring in her open palm and said to her sweetly.

"Marry me back, B Lo?"

She broke out into a fit of giggles as she nodded her head and handed the ring to me so that I could slip it on her finger, it fit perfectly.

"I love it, Ana."

"Sweet."

I stood up and pulled her in for a kiss, she leaned over my stomach and kissed me deeply.

Fucking hormones.

I let out a loud groan and she kissed me harder.

"Rachel, I think we should go." Quinn whispered.

"Yea so do I."

They were heading to the door before Britt pulled away and then turned towards them.

"Um…where are you two going?"

"To give you your space?" Rachel said shrugging her shoulders.

"Yea, we don't want to be in the way." Quinn followed up.

"I thought we were going to all go to the sonogram to see the baby on the screen."

Britt pouted and immediately they looked sorry. I couldn't help but smile.

How many people does she get when she makes that face?

"Shit…completely forgot about that myself." I muttered as I went in search of my food journal that I had been keeping for the doctor and even though she'd just seen it Friday, it was a habit.

I laid on the table again with all that gross stuff on my stomach. My friends and fiancé surrounded me and all of them swooned when the baby's heartbeat echoed throughout the room.

"He looks great Santana. Whatever you are doing is working. He is about four pounds and his heart sounds strong and steady. You had a good weekend, as your sugar says...let's keep the carbs down to a minimum this week. "

I beamed with pride.

Score!

After the appointment, Brittany took the doctor off to the side so that she could get her input on the flight and any extra precautions that she should take with me. They were talking for almost a full five minutes before Brittany came back to us giving double thumbs up.

"All systems are a go. She said this is the last week that you should be flying and that I should get you back here as soon as I can."

Sunday afternoon, my mother, Britt's parents, Quinn and Rachel all boarded a flight with us to New York. We were going to be staying with Sandra who was excited to be hosting the reception after the ceremony and I was so excited to see her, since this was also the first time I would get to meet my new nephew.

He had the brightest green eyes that I had ever seen and was absolutely the cutest baby in the world. Of course, that was because my son wasn't here yet.

Since we weren't getting married until Tuesday we would be just enjoying hanging out and shopping in the city, it was also a good opportunity to give Quinn a tour of Columbia. I had been trying to convince her to give up Yale for Columbia, but she hadn't been swayed yet.

But I would sway her yet!

On Monday morning Britt and I headed to the courthouse and got our marriage license and scheduled our wedding date, March 27th.

After getting the license we headed back to the house and awaited the arrival of my other sisters that would be flying in tonight. I hated to drag people away on a weekday but when I told them about what we were about to do, they all volunteered to come because of course, who wants to miss me getting married...for the second time?!

It was an exhausting few days, capped off by a huge family dinner the night before the big day.

Everyone offered up stories about me or Brittany or me and Brittany…most of them insanely embarrassing but neither of us really minded. I think that my stomach was fondled by everyone at least twice and we were getting all sorts of advice.

By the time midnight rolled around, I was getting cranky. So, I got Britt to get us out of there.

Britt and I decided to sleep in different rooms on our last single night, so I would be crashing with Quinn while B crashed with Rachel.

Thank goodness that I wasn't alone.

What's that saying about idle hands and the devil?

Even though I was stressed, I knew that I couldn't do anything...even if...well let's just say in New York, finding cocaine was as easy as breathing.

But I was a good girl.

I was sitting up in bed reading yet another book when someone knocked on the door. If law did fail, I was totally reusing this idea to get a master's degree.

My head was hurting as I tried to focus on the fact that my gut was telling me that my night was about to suck and of course, the door opened, and it was Damariz and she had Quinn hot on her heels.

Great!

When they came in, Quinn quickly shut the door and locked it. Knowing immediately what as up, I sighed, put my book on the nightstand and took off my glasses.

"I'm about to get shit, aren't I?"

Quinn looked halfway between pissed and depressed as she nodded. I knew that I couldn't have them too close together without them connecting the dots. Damariz sat on one side of me and Quinn on the other side, trapping me on the bed.

I groaned while I sat there looking down at my hands, which had suddenly started to shake.

Damariz grabbed one of my hands and began to run her finger up and down the scar that ran up the center, it was all that was left from the broken hand.

Quinn though wasn't about to comfort me. She just watched me...really closely.

"Quinn and I talked obviously. We are both still worried about you."

"Why? Quinn you were there today, the doctor gave me a clean bill of health."

Maybe I could play it off?

"Yes, but San…did you really…did you really snort that much coke...like consistently?"

I looked her in the eyes and I nodded as I sucked my lip into my mouth.

That's it Q, go in for the kill.

"Yes…just half a line that morning, I just needed something to take the edge off. My world was falling apart, and I was depressed I didn't think the day was going to end so well. I had been okay and then Britt insisted that we walk around the block and then she told me about sleeping with Marco, Frankie and kissing you…when she left and then her mom called to check on me and I kind of just felt buried underneath it all."

"There are other ways."

"Yea well...I was in a bad place and so I had two lines. I took a shower and that's when it all started. I thought that since nothing happened that morning, that it would be okay one more time."

I looked at them and could see the horror, the shame and anger on their faces.

"You nearly killed him." Mari said.

I nodded and closed my eyes.

"Have you done it any other times since then?" Quinn asked, sounding like she was going to cry.

"No" I whispered.

"I believe you, San." Quinn sucked in a breath and nodded her head.

"Britt knows and she's been on top of things. I have been on top of things, even though the temptation is there. I'm really trying."

"Okay…promise me then, no more. Please?" Mari said.

I nodded, and she wrapped her arms around me.

She squeezed me tight and shook a little in my arms.

It was the first time that I had seen Damariz show real emotion.

When she pulled away, I saw her cheeks stained with tears.

Go me!

After my sister left the room, Quinn turned off the lights and climbed in the bed with me, wrapping me in her arms.

"I'm so proud of you right now, San."

"When can I be proud of myself? I feel like such a fuck up, Q."

"You're not a fuck up. You just have an addiction sweetie and you're working hard."

"You say that like I have a pimple or something insignificant. I almost killed my son, Q."

"Don't let your mind go there or you will slip back into depression. Just be the Santana that I know is in there, you're just too fucking afraid to show your true self, the one that Britt fell in love with. Be her tomorrow as you stand in front of the love of your life. Okay?"

"Okay."

It felt so good to get that burden off my chest and know that I was still loved.

Someday I knew that I would let Britt down, but it wasn't going to be now or in the near future…I just needed her to love and trust me and it would be enough to make it through.