Chapter 44: I Swear (Marc Anthony)
Britt and I decided to spend the night before and the morning of apart, wanting to keep the romance alive and see each other when it was time, I figured she'd spend the morning with her family while I spent the morning with mine.
It was a Tuesday morning, though so some people were working from home while others, like Britt's parents decided to explore the city since they'd never been east of Ohio.
Which meant that I was supposed to be spending my day with just Q while Britt hung out with Rachel.
It was our last day as single women.
I was going off to spend the day with Quinn, who was my best woman and Britt would be out with Rachel. As much as I was starting to love the hobbit, I think I got the better deal.
"So what do you think?" I asked Q as we left Columbia's campus. I was now sporting a big blue sweatshirt with a lion on the front and she had that pensive look on her face.
"It's beautiful."
"But?"
As we walked down the street, there was this beautiful brownstone for sale and I stopped in my tracks.
"But...uh...wait why are we stopping."
"Is that a driveway and garage?" I asked and she tried pulling me along but I wouldn't budge.
"So what?"
"Look around at this block Q, this is all street parking all except this house and it's for sale and I am a millionaire. How much do you think this house is going for, Q?"
"Since when have you been into real estate?"
I stared at her, absolutely confused at how smart she was reported to be...but then I reminded myself that my GPA was higher.
"Would you rather it be cocaine?"
"Well no, of course not. I'm just surprised."
"Q...this is a train ride from Julliard...walking distance to Columbia and since I plan to take a gap year, I'm going to need a place to live."
"I thought you were moving in with Sandra."
"My sister is great but living on my own is even better."
She looked at me still confused and then I watched the light bulb finally fucking flicker.
"You want to buy this house?"
"Ding ding ding." I muttered as I pulled out my phone and called the number on the sign. I paced as I listened and Q was standing there just watching me.
"San, rash decisions are a hallmark of addiction." She hissed. "Shouldn't you talk to Britt first?"
I ignored her and tried to catalog the information in my brain.
"Could you hold a second?" The woman seemed eager. I turned to Q after putting my phone on mute and leveled with her. "I need a safety net, Q. This could be my safety net...maybe I'll rent it and get additional income or maybe I'll flip it, the future is wide open. All I know in this moment is that this amazing house has two bids on it but both are at market price which is a steal because the owners kids just want to offload it to pay some tax debts. The owner wants to retire to Florida or some shit."
"This just seems like a rushed decision...you haven't even seen the inside!"
"Good point." I said and then took the phone off mute and put it to my ear. "When can I schedule a showing? Can you make that before 1?" Quinn looked like she was going to pee herself. "Perfect."
I got off the phone and then ignored Quinn as I examined the beautiful stone front and from what I could see from the street, it had three floors of windows.
Quinn was grumbling but I glared at her.
"It just seems like a rash decision."
"Would you rather I spend my money on cocaine?"
"Well no."
"This is an investment, Q and if the price is right and the inspection comes back clean, I'll buy it outright. No loans, no mortgage and I can just rent it out or live in it. Either way, I don't see the downside of this."
We sat on the front steps and watched the cars drive by while I scrolled through my phone in plain view of Quinn's line of sight.
Baby?-Santana
Yes, love?-Britt Britt
Do you trust me?-Santana
...
...
Yes...mostly. As long as ur nose is clean-Britt Britt
I just want to do something spontaneous, is that okay? I'll be keeping my nose clean.-Santana
Great! Have fun!-Britt Britt
I shook my phone in front of Quinn's face.
"See!"
"That's because you didn't tell her that you'd be making a huge purchase, on your wedding day without your future wife which legally means that this counts as a pre-marital acquisition. A house that is only yours."
"If I tell you something, I need you to keep it to yourself."
She looked at me with a side-eye.
"I don't like that you have an endless well of secrets."
"Fine, I'll keep this one to myself." I said and then stood up sticking my hand out to the woman who was marching up the street with a file folder under her arm.
"Santana Lopez?"
"That's me, are you the realtor?"
"Yes I am, Marjorie Callahan. Shall we have a look see?"
I slipped my arm through Quinn's and leaned towards her ear.
"Nothing wrong with a look see, Q."
"Fine." She grumbled as we followed Marjorie inside and I immediately fell in love.
Quinn stuck by my side, as she touched all the surfaces and then she stopped right in front of the bookshelves that went floor to ceiling in the living room.
"I think you're right." She said. "If that inspection report is legit, this would be a sound investment...don't you have a clause though?"
I froze and then slapped my forehead. I guess I do need to be accountable.
Sis, wyd?-Santana
Hosting your guests. Why?-Sandra
I am about to do something huge and I'm going to need your signature.-Santana
My phone rang moments later as Quinn followed the realtor around the house.
"Santana, you have had your inheritance for two months...you only need me when things cross the half-million threshold. What could you possibly be buying?"
"A house, starting price is $900 thousand. Do you think you could meet me in the Upper West Side?"
"You're kidding..." She trailed off.
"It's perfect, Sandra. I want to make a cash offer but I can't do that without you. The realtor is here now if you can sneak away, please?"
"You're getting married in four hours, Santana."
"Exactly...so can you get here?"
"Text me the address, I'm on my way...but if you want to do this, I'm bringing backup."
"No." I whispered.
"Yes. Gladys is a lawyer and she should be reading everything before we sign it."
"Fine but just her and please try to hurry."
Mami, Sandra, and Quinn were all in agreement with me that the house was perfect for me and if I was willing that I should put an offer in.
So with the sign off of my sister, I made a cash offer 100k over asking price, rounding out at my first million spent. The rush was better than a high, shopping had always been my first addiction afterall. The realtor called the owner while we all went down the street for manicures and pedicures.
Sandra and Mami were getting their nails done across the salon while Q and I sat alone in the big massage chairs getting our toes polished. They seemed excited about what I was doing and Quinn was grinning at me, with a twinkle in her eyes.
"You're leering." I said as I picked a color for my toes.
"If you get that house...and IF I decided to go to Columbia...and say I didn't want to live on campus so that I could save money for med school..." She was taking too long to get to the point.
"Yes, Q. You can absolutely live with us...I'll need all the help I can get with your godchild."
"Right...and I'd pay rent of course!"
"No. You just go in on household essentials and we can call it even. I'll even let you have the whole third floor to yourself."
"You are making Columbia seem better and better."
"I know."
"This is all happening so fast...I mean you're getting married today."
"I know...married twice before 19."
"Are you ready for this?"
I played with my fingers as I nodded, knowing that my divorce wasn't final...knowing that I wasn't sure when it would be and instead of waiting, I was still marrying the woman of my dreams.
Money was a powerful thing and I'd pulled all the strings to make sure that this was happening.
And maybe it was better that I was keeping that tidbit to myself since Quinn relied so much on her fucking conscience since being with Rachel.
"Definitely!"
"Not scared?"
"Nah…it's just me and Britt like always. I was ready to marry her the moment that I met her."
"Love at first sight?"
"Absolutely…I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with her."
"That's good to hear."
"Yea?"
"Definitely, take care of her San."
"There is nothing that I wouldn't do to bring her happiness. I don't want anyone to be able to love her better than I can."
"I can say for a fact that I don't think anyone ever could. When you guys are apart it seems wrong, almost like there is no hope for the rest of us. You two just fit together."
"Like two pieces of a puzzle?" I asked smirking at her.
"Exactly what I was thinking…are you teasing me?"
"Of course not!" I said winking at her…I was so glad she was here, I felt the same way about her just in a different way.
There is nothing that I wouldn't do to see Quinn smile and Rachel was slowly falling into that category as well…I know scary right?
"They accepted your offer, Ms. Lopez." I sat waiting for our toes to dry, with Quinn rapidly texting and glaring at her phone.
"Just like that?"
"Yes and if you're amenable, we'd like to process the transaction as soon as you are able. I can get the paperwork started as soon as I have your signature."
"Marjorie, do you like waffles?"
She hesitated.
"Of course, Santana."
"There's this amazing little diner in Lincoln Square...best waffles and coffee, I've ever had. Owner has a coffee plantation in Nicaragua and ships all his coffee fresh to New York. It's called, Nico's have you been?"
"I haven't, no."
"Well, let's meet there in an hour. I'll bring my lawyer to double check the paperwork and we can close the deal over waffles. Sound good?"
"Sounds like a plan. I'll see you there."
I hung up and sat back in my seat, smiling to myself. I'd made a grown woman move and it felt so good to be doing something with my money that was sober and legal.
Buying this house was a part of my son's inheritance and I was hoping that was a sign that I was putting him first.
Mami and Sandra went with us to Nico's, excitedly.
"I'm so proud of you, Anita." Mami said, as she gave me a side hug. "Owning property is a big responsibility, which is why I sold the house in Atlanta and I made a profit off that sale. Now that you'll be a homeowner, it will be good to add little improvements so that if you ever sell it...you'll turn a profit. Thank you for including me."
"This house is for the family, for my son. I don't plan on selling."
"Bueno...it's good to hear you thinking about his future." Sandra said with a smile.
If only she knew, how this was really the first time that I was doing that, she'd kill me.
"How do you know about this place?" Quinn said as we slid into this gorgeous marble booth in the back.
The waitress saw me and grinned.
"Santi, my love! Oh my God girl, you're having a baby!" She squealed and I slid back out of the booth, ignoring the gawking stares from my family. I leaned in and gave her a double air kiss before we joined hands.
"It's so good to see you, Carmen, how are you?" I could feel the heat in my cheeks as I looked her over and was that panic sweat? Holy cow my hormones hadn't responded to another woman like this...only Britt.
"Better now that I got this new job." She leaned in and whispered to me. "Give it to me straight, were you the one who tipped off the cops?"
"No...I took my money and ran." I said and then we both laughed.
"Good for you. Okay, okay...your company is shooting daggers let me get your orders." I sat down next to Quinn and she gave me a light slap on my thigh. I ignored her and paid sole attention to Carmen. "Wait, you must be related. Santi, you never told me your whole family was gorgeous and is that your love, Britt! Where are my manners?"
"I've been trying to figure that out." Q grumbled and I elbowed her.
"Let me start again, Hello and welcome to Nico's, I'm Carmen and I'll be your host today. Coffee is bottomless and we have milks and sugars to fit every diet. How can I be of service to you today?" She winked at me and I winked back.
"I'll have decaf, coconut milk with dulce de leche." I said and then before any of them could be assholes. "Carmen, this is my mother Gladys, my sister Sandra, and this is my best friend Quinn."
"Well it's great to meet you all, Santi and I worked together last summer and she literally has saved my life."
"Oh yeah? How?" Sandra asked invested.
A bell went off and Carmen turned towards the counter, her face dropped when Nico came from the back and I knew that despite the smile, she was still in relations with him.
"Oye, Nico...Santi, my love is here and she's pregnant. What do you want, eh...?"
I put my face in my hands when Nico came running from the back.
"Is that right? Take their order, everything on the house for Marco's girl. Santi, my love, you make sure you come see me before you leave, eh?"
I nodded at him as he took my hand and gave it a squeeze before smiling at everyone.
Thank the sweet Lord, Marjorie came bustling in and all the extra chatter stopped when I stood to greet her. I gave Carmen the 'look', that meant business and she quietly took Mami and Sandra's orders.
The jovial look on her face was now a plastic one and I was sad about it.
Nico was a good client, always was but at the end of the day...he was still a client. He liked to go all night, always with me and Carmen...but thankfully, always sober. After awhile the sex dried up with him as he fell for Carmen and he saw what the drugs and Marco were doing to my body. He became protective and let me just come here to sleep off my jobs and eat for free.
He'd been trying to turn Carmen into his wife but she made him promise to get her out of the life before she'd consider.
It looked like that hadn't happened yet and I just wanted to hug her tight.
A girl like her deserved everything the world had to offer...and if I wasn't pregnant and in love with Brittany...I might think about it but that is another world.
Britt was all I wanted and then it hit me.
"I'm getting married today." I said without meaning to and Marjorie clapped her hands like Britt always does. Carmen smiled sadly at me, squeezed my shoulder and then left to get our orders.
"About time you remembered that." Q said and Mami nodded in agreement.
I was nearing an edge...but now was not the time.
Focus, Lopez.
We had two hours to get back to the house before the officiant was supposed to show up.
I now had the keys to my first home and wanted to be able to enjoy it but once we were in the car, I was bombarded with questions.
"Did you sleep with her?" Q asked.
"Was she talking about the escorting or the stripping?" Mami asked and I ducked my head, playing with the keys.
"You looked at her like Johnny looks at me when he's been away for awhile." Sandra added. "Does Brittany know about her?"
"Look, yes I've slept with Carmen many times...I've also had sex with Nico until they fell for each other, they just like to flirt...hopefully you enjoyed your food?" They all nodded and I smirked. "Carmen is in the scene, she's an escort. She came to the US as a mail order bride for one of Nico's workers. He was a client of mine and he used to beat her to a pulp. That is, until I stepped in and took care of him. She's safe and her and Nico are in this weird Dom/sub...client/boss setup. She loves him and he loves her...but you know she also has a thing for me."
"So what, she was just what to you?" Q asked as she took my shaking hand in hers.
Any talk of that summer always made me crave that high and she knew it.
"Another lifetime...she's like Ari...a crush that I could never be serious about." I said and only Sandra seemed thrown because even Mami remembered my first crush. "Brittany is the only woman that I want. She is my everything and even though we have our ups and downs, a few cravings here and there...she's my home. My endgame."
"That's nuts, sis. Are you sure about today?"
"Positive."
"So what was this whole Santi, my love business." Q asked with a smirk.
"It's an inside joke with me and Carmen...Nico always talked to me like that, Santi, my love and she liked it so much that she calls me that too. It's harmless."
"I don't know if your future wife would see it that way." Mami said.
"Call it my last act as a bachelorette, I don't plan on having sex with her ever again. I only want B."
I didn't care how many times I needed to repeat it...Brittany S. Pierce was the ONE for me. Do I wish that I could love someone else, no. Am I keeping Carmen in my back pocket, maybe a little but no one needs to know that.
Back at Sandra's house, I showered and moisturized, doing my best to avoid seeing my bride until just the right moment.
Mami was fussing over me, adjusting my hair, make-up and my dress while giving me various pieces of advice because I was still trying to decide how I was going to express myself to Britt when we exchanged our vows.
My mom saw my face and then pulled me into a hug and kissed my cheek.
"Just remember that you love her and forget the rest. You know how you feel and that's all that matters. Okay? Let your love guide you."
Quinn poked her head into the room and winked at me and then cleared her throat.
"Britt's finally here. It's time. Come on San."
What did she mean by finally?
The moment that I stepped up to the altar and I saw her standing there with a shimmering pale blue dress on and just the lightest touch of makeup, I thought she looked perfect and I felt my heart melt.
All my doubts vanished, nothing had ever felt so right. She flashed me a brilliant smile and then reached a hand out for me. There was a hint of fear in her eyes but that quickly vanished when I smiled back at her.
The moment her hand touched mine, I felt every worry, every stress, everything just fall away and I did what my mom said I just let my love for her lead me.
"Always and only you, Britt Britt." I whispered the moment after we said our vows and just before I slipped her wedding band on her finger.
She looked into my eyes and I could see the worry sitting just beyond her tears. I kept trying to find her happiness but it wasn't there and it made me anxious.
Had I fucked up somehow?
So much lying had been happening in my past when it came to drugs that I literally was combing through my memory to see if I'd slipped but I hadn't.
Why was she worried? I brushed her cheeks with my thumbs and then I leaned up and I kissed her like never before. I wanted to take all of her burdens, all of her worries and wash them away with my love, faithfulness, and tenderness.
The whole official piece lasted about five minutes.
I came to New York with a girlfriend and was going to leave with a wife, just like that, semantics be damned.
We held hands for the whole night, even as we greeted our families, it was the comfort of each other's touch that we both needed to stay grounded in reality, even though this felt like a dream.
Brittany changed her last name just like she had told me she would and could now really go by that silly dance name if she wanted to.
I kept zoning out and thinking about what was to come and kept being brought back to reality by a light squeeze of my hand or a kiss on the lips.
During the reception we headed out into Sandra's back garden which was lit up with a dozen red and white lights and took a zillion pictures.
It was a great night, I got to meet Brenda's handsome sons, Celia brought a date…a woman date that wasn't Quinn and the sheer jealousy coming off my best friend was only tempered by Rachel giving her kisses all night long.
She'd never looked so ruffled and I could tell Celia was doing her best to push away her feelings.
Even after I gave them my blessing, my sister was doing her best to keep her word to me and it felt better than I could have ever guessed.
My best friend and sister were really going to be something someday...it was more than lust and I was still thrown by the irony of it all.
Britt and I stood off to the side at one point and just watched as our families mingled and laughed together.
My mother had taken Rob off and was teaching him to salsa.
For a man with such a talented daughter, Brittany's father didn't have a shred of rhythm in his two left feet which made Britt blush in embarrassment.
"Do you want to tell me what your spontaneous thing was today?" She asked me as we sat cuddled on our sweetheart seat, her arm draped over me.
"Not yet but I will...it's a surprise."
She grinned.
"A good one, right?"
"Yup, a great one!"
"Awesome."
"How about you?"
"I missed you so much, I was nervous all day and I'm glad that it's over because now I get to be here with you and our son. That's all that matters, right?"
"Right."
Someone clinked their glass and we kissed, this time when I pulled back Britt looked happy and it made me feel better to know, that that worry earlier had just been nerves.
"You're not regretting this are you?" I asked her as I ran my hand over the side of her face and she started to cry again. "B, I'm starting to worry that you changed your mind."
She shook her head and leaned in, kissing me and leaving her tears on my face. Her hand rubbed my belly and she leaned in and kissed it.
There was a few 'awww's coming from the other tables and then B was looking me in the eyes again.
"I just love you so much and this is the happiest day of my life. I don't deserve you, Santana. I have done some things that should have you hating me but instead, you did all of this. You keep loving me, even when I don't deserve it."
I leaned in again and kissed her face, then her lips, my hand cupping her cheek.
"Brittany S. Lopez, I love you unconditionally. I loved you when we first met, I loved you after you broke my heart...I loved you while breaking yours and now...my love, I promise to keep on loving you until my last breath."
She started crying even more then threw herself against me and hugged me so fucking tight.
"I can't wait to get you home and show you just how much I love you." She growled and I squirmed.
"Fuck, B."
"I want to...do you think we can sneak away yet?"
I looked around and then found Sandra, "Yo!"
Sandra looked up and then came over with a smirk on her face.
"You need the keys to the guest house?"
"Yes, please."
Britt was on me from the moment we went into the guest house, kissing me and touching me like never before. She wanted to hear me scream her name.
She wanted me to put her over my knee and spank her. Every time that I came, she wanted more and I gave her every bit of me for hours until I collapsed on the bed with shaking legs and a sore throat.
And then she pulled a strap-on out and fucked me some more.
The only time we stopped was when she fed me. For two whole days, she went on like this and it felt like she'd taken whatever Marco had taught her about pleasing me and applied it. She touched my neck like he did and whispered dirty things in my ears. Gone was the woman who was crying at our wedding.
Her dominance reminded me of Nico and that made me think of Carmen...and that made me wetter. I was on all fours, screaming Carmen's name into a pillow accidentally and then cried because the only woman's name I should be screaming is Britt's.
After that, I started chanting her name over and over again, making sure that no matter what...Brittany was the only name that was always on my lips.
By Thursday morning, when we were on our way to the airport, I was sore in all the right places and crazy tired and Britt was hovering more than usual.
"Are you okay?" I asked and she nodded as she leaned over my shoulder to look at my phone screen.
"So, I was able to get us squeezed in to see the baby doctor when we get home."
It was six in the morning on a Friday, when the hell had she talked to my doctor.
"B, I just want to go home and take a nice hot shower." I whined.
"Who are you texting?" She asked and so I put my phone on my lap and turned to her with my hands folded over my phone because this was not going to be another marriage where I had to run everything I do by my spouse.
"What's up, B...do you need some attention?"
"Yeah, I do."
"Okay. So when is the appointment and what's it for?"
"Well you know, you're not supposed to be flying as of tomorrow. I just want to make sure that after our fun times, your body and the baby are okay...how's your back?"
"I feel fine. It's still early and I just want to send out this message...then take a nap while he is being still. Is that okay?" I asked, her eyes gave her away. She wanted to know who I was talking to but I wasn't budging. "Maybe you should message your parents and let them know we got on the plane. They'll need to know what time to pick us up."
"Oh I almost forgot! Okay, go finish your text, they're about to turn the light on."
U there?-C
Yes. About to take off. It was great seeing you too.-Santi
my love is wife'd up! So excited for you. come find me when ur back-C
Will do! Light is on. Tell Nico I said thanks.-Santi
He's so excited to take care of things. Tool belt and all! :D-C
"Ana, the light is on."
I held up a finger and finished the text.
Send a pic. Gtg. 143-Santi
143-C
The entire two hour flight was spent with Britt chewing her gum loudly and bouncing her feet. I kept rubbing at her leg but she wouldn't settle. I was in and out of sleep, every time I woke up she was watching me and then the last time I woke up, she had my phone and was trying to figure out my code.
"Are you mad?" She asked as I stormed through the airport, dragging my carry on and clutching my phone.
"I just need to go home...okay?" I sighed out, trying not to be annoyed with my wife of three days. "And I can't believe-" I started to say but then I saw my inlaws. Seeing Susan and Rob when we got to Fort Wayne was such a relief because Britt's anxiety was making me want to crawl out of my own skin.
They were standing in the entrance with great big smiles on their faces. I stopped, tucked my phone in my bra and then took B's hand.
We couldn't be visibly fighting this soon. They'd trusted me with their baby girl and I promised them that I would treat her like a queen, even if she didn't deserve it.
Once we were in the car, they told us about all their sightseeing in the city and how they are excited to go back and visit us next year.
The whole ride, I pretended to be asleep because my back and head were hurting...and because I didn't even want to look at my wife.
Eventually, I fell asleep and was awakened by the harsh sound of a bullhorn as we pulled into the parking lot. I looked at B in confusion and then down at my phone.
It was still spring break...what was Sue up to.
"Is she running drills?" I asked B and she nodded.
"I was excused this week since I created the routines but I have practice all day tomorrow."
"Oh...that means Q does too?"
"Yes."
"Oh."
Suddenly I was sad as I followed B to the apartment.
"So the appointment is in ten minutes, so we can unpack later...did you want to change?"
I looked down at my heels and then back at her.
"Yes...can I just sit while you grab my slides?"
"Of course, my love." She said and I froze but recovered quickly.
"Thank you."
Now that I was without my cast, I was happily driving my car again, despite Brittany not wanting me to. My phone was still tucked in my bra and I could tell that it was bothering her.
"What's wrong, B? You've never worried about who I texted before. Is this a thing we are going to start doing?"
"No...it's just...you're my wife now and I just don't think we should have any secrets."
I sighed and nodded, trying my best to comply with her needs even though she had no idea that she was currently riding around with a couple grand of coke. Not all secrets were necessary to break down. It was my safety net.
No harm, no foul.
"Fine. I was talking to my connect in New York about the surprise that I got on Tuesday."
"Ohhhh. That's why you didn't say?"
"Yeah, B."
"I'm sorry. I don't want to ruin it. I won't bug you about it."
When I parked I turned to her.
"Look in my eyes." She looked into my eyes and smiled happily.
"Okay. Now what?"
"Brittany, I'm sober. I have been since my hospital scare. I think I've proven to you that you can trust me. Right?"
"Yes."
"I would never cheat on you. We always said...if we added a third to spice things up...we'd do what?"
"Decide together."
"Exactly and there is no one else that I want. Just you, B. I'm a work in progress and every day that I get to call you my wife, I will work my ass off to honor you."
"Thanks, baby."
I didn't realize how nervous Brittany was until we got inside the doctor's office and she began to pace the room.
"Britt Britt…calm down, you're making me dizzy."
Britt looked up at me and gave me a nervous wink that looked more like a twitch than a cute gesture.
"I'm sorry Ana, it's just that the plane could have made the baby sick and I don't think I could handle anything happening to you two. I would die…Ana!"
I reached a hand out to her and once I touched her she seemed to calm down a little bit. I pulled her in close until she was leaning against us and then I rubbed her back.
"Britt, we are fine. I haven't had any pains or nausea and this little boy has not stopped moving around in there since we got off the plane, so stop worrying so much, okay? I need you to relax if you want me to relax."
Although she promised that she would relax she didn't seem to actually do it until the check up was over and the doctor told me that things were going well.
She didn't give me any extra instructions and sent us on our way.
See...no worries!
I have never dealt with stress well. This is no secret thing to anyone that knows me. The road to hell is paved with good intentions...and I may have built the road with mine.
Years of abuse had me conditioned to find any way possible to ease my worries, no matter the consequence. I know this about myself and it's something that I struggle with every day.
Being a victim is not something that I ever want to be again in my life. I may appear to be calm on the surface but I am always a little panicked on the inside because I just have this propensity to ruin everything that I touch, I try my best to just appear calm.
Fake it, until I feel it.
I like to excel, I like to succeed and surpass anyone's expectations of me and to do that...I have to improvise at times. I think my drive is what makes me such a great student because of my need to not fail but it hasn't always been the best thing when it relates to my relationship with Brittany.
So that night, when Britt was still making me crazy, I sent her out for some bread and milk in my car and then took a shower.
I had insisted she take my car to keep me away from my demons.
When she came home, I was laying naked in our bed with my fingers between my thighs.
She stood there with her jaw stuck open.
"Come relieve your stress, Daddy." I said and she grinned.
"I could get used to this."
"I hope so."
She went into the bathroom and I heard the sink running for a minute and then she came back out with her favorite strap on.
"I'll be right back."
I watched as she left the room and then groaned as I kept lazily moving my fingers.
When she came back, she had an ice cube between her fingers.
"I need you, B." I whined.
She trailed that ice cube from my lips down to my nipples, over my belly and then over my clit. I was trembling and extremely turned on by the time she slid into me with a crazy look in her eyes.
"I love you." She said, it almost looked like she was apologizing with tears rimming her eyes as she moved slowly.
"I need it hard, B." I growled, almost too afraid to know what was wrong.
"Turn over." She said as she bit her lip.
I was on all fours and this time it was rough when she pushed back into me. I'd seen her feeling something and had ignored it.
She knew that I saw and now she was going to make me pay for it.
I'd feel guilty if this didn't feel so fucking amazing.
On Saturday morning, at dawn...after she'd fucked me all night, Britt woke me up while she was getting out of the shower by kissing my face and rubbing my belly. The moment that she did that, the baby decided that it was time to play.
I glared at the clock and then at Britt.
"Why am I awake at 5 on a Saturday when I have nowhere to be? And you woke the baby...fuck, B." I grumbled.
"Oh good you're awake!"
"Britt...why am I awake?" I whined as I covered my face with my hands.
"I have practice until 6 tonight. Do you think you could make me breakfast and pack a lunch for me?"
I dropped my hands and saw her pout and knew that there was no way to resist especially after I put myself over her last night, so I grumbled my way out of bed and leaned into her lips.
"You owe me." I said to her, before walking out of the room slowly. She'd worked me over until only a few hours ago and now I was feeling it with every step that I took. As I looked for something quick to make in our empty refrigerator, I caught a glimpse of my ring and all the grumpiness vanished.
I was married...she was my wife in all the ways that counted and I could sleep for the rest of the day if I so choose...I needed to get my shit together.
"Can you make bacon?" I froze, knowing for a fact that I haven't brought bacon into this place ever. "It should be in the bottom drawer."
I squatted down and grabbed the bacon and felt a dull ache in my back.
Throughout the whole time I made her a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich...I held my breath. My morning sickness was long gone but the scent of bacon still made me sick. I hunched over the sink as it cooked and threw up bile twice but when Britt came into the kitchen, I was all smiles and kisses and I kept a smile on my face until she was on the other side of the apartment door.
I threw open every single window and then climbed back into bed, wrapping myself up tight vowing to sleep for as long as my body allowed.
Even when Britt came home that night, in bed I remained...I hadn't lifted a finger since she left including the breakfast dishes and the food on the counter. Instead I laid there, staring up at the ceiling at the I LOVE YOU and cried like a baby.
All day long, I wanted to go to my car and get my stash and I had made a promise to not give in to my addiction, so in bed I remained. When Britt saw me there, right where she left me, she was on high alert, staring into my eyes for signs that I had slipped. Only, I wouldn't look at her. So now she seemed anxious again and she began to clean the apartment from top to bottom, all around me even though I knew she was exhausted from am all day practice.
"Are you hungry?" She asked and I barked at her.
"NO."
"Ana, what happened?" Right then I had two choices, be honest or lie, lie, lie and for once, I treated Brittany with the kind of honesty that usually only Quinn gets from me.
"I want to get high and I know that if I am by myself for too long...if I even leave this bed for too long, I'm going to snort as much coke as it takes to black out so I haven't left this room all day."
She stood there, looking defeated a bouquet of flowers dangling from her hand. She dropped them on the floor and in her gross sweaty uniform, that she practiced and then cleaned in, she climbed into the bed with me and brushed my tears away.
"Hey." She said.
"Hey." I said back. "I'm sorry you married someone so screwed up." I laughed but it came out pitiful.
"I'm so proud of you for doing the only thing you felt you could to stay clean for our little boy and for me."
"Really?"
"Yeah, tomorrow we will stay right here. I'll make you breakfast and I'll get rid of the bacon. Q reminded me when she saw my BLT at lunch. I'm sorry that I forgot. You are already the best wife ever. Did you know that?"
"I am?"
"You made me bacon even though it makes you sick, so yeah, you are!"
When she kissed me passionately and her hands started to roam, I stopped them.
"Not tonight, B...can you just...hold me for tonight?"
"Always, Ana...I'll hold you for always."
It was the Monday back from spring break and I was feeling much calmer than I had Saturday night. Britt had pampered me all day Sunday and had even gotten Quinn to bring us Breadstix, since they don't deliver.
She was excited that I had insisted on driving because I wanted to be off my feet as much as possible. Today was a big day for us, we were returning to McKinley as a married couple and as expectant parents.
Even though, our dynamic was essentially still the same, to us it felt completely different.
And that little overprotective thing she exhibited after we said 'I do' was next level now. She wanted to make every moment for the next three months of school perfect in and out of school.
The anxiety that she was building up in me caused me to slowly begin to overdo things…in ways that most people wouldn't notice but Britt wasn't most people.
She was watching me most of the time and when she wasn't, she had eyes everywhere.
Well almost everywhere.
Our first meeting of glee, after break, everyone was a buzz with the news of our marriage and the upcoming regional's competition that was on Saturday…and how we didn't have a complete set list. Frankly, I don't know how we have not learned yet that we should be preparing a set list well in advance. I was annoyed with just about everyone in the room and their stupid ideas for how I should sing my solo.
I had chosen my favorite Amy Winehouse song from her last album "Our Day Will Come" and everyone was telling me how I should turn it into a duet with one of the guys or maybe I shouldn't be on my feet at all. I was fed up with all the unsolicited advice, so I refused to practice the song in front of anyone but my wife. I was thinking of mashing it up with "No Greater Love", a song that meant more to me than I ever wanted to explain, but I needed to pick the right moments to inter-cut the songs.
I kept singing in the bathroom, locking the door even though we now had a no locked doors rule after my incident when she was first moving in. She was trying to be on top of things with me but I wasn't being very helpful.
On top of all the stress of regional's, my first draft for my senior project was due this week and it had been my intention to get it ready during spring break but I just didn't have the time.
I was on stress overload and I knew that it wasn't a good thing and the main problem with all of that is that when I'm pushed to the edge, it's the time that I'm the most devious and self-destructive.
Generally, I can't even trust myself.
I spent a lot of time leaving the building and sitting in my car during the week just so I could breathe. There just seemed to be no silence in my world anymore and I couldn't handle it.
Britt was doing her best to keep up with me but we'd fallen out of sync to my detriment, when I needed her to smother me she was giving me space and when I didn't need her attention, she was everywhere.
Only I knew her schedule better than she did and I had three openblocks in my schedule when she was in class.
When I wasn't sitting in my car though I was in the auditorium.
Throughout the week despite my insane schedule, I kept finding these moments to be alone.
Even when I really didn't want to be.
I kept watching Britt and making sure that she was alright and I kept noticing that she was texting a lot and each time that I called her attention to it, she looked almost frantic to finish whatever she was writing.
Seems that I set a precedent that was coming back to bite me in the ass.
I had asked Quinn and Rachel if they had noticed it and they both agreed that Brittany seemed on edge and would go off and have phone conversations or would be texting in the corner.
They had thought that she was talking to me…and I had thought she was talking to them.
I tried not to let any jealousy get to me but at seven months pregnant, I was hormonal and jealous all the time and I would have to remind myself that I loved her and just push all the other crap to the side.
We had glee club every day that week and even knowing that I was in my third trimester and I wanted to sit most of the time, I danced.
I was stubborn and I stayed on my feet as much as possible even with B shooting me glares.
She didn't stop me though, she was too busy on that fucking phone.
I knew that when we got home she would yell at me as she rubbed my feet but I didn't care as long as there was rubbing and loving involved.
Friday night after the week had finally ended and I had completed my homework assignments, Britt made me sit down so that she could massage my swollen feet.
I rested my hands on my stomach and just closed my eyes hoping to drift off into a peaceful sleep with this kind of relaxation but I should have known better.
Britt still seemed on edge and because of it I couldn't allow myself to drift off because I could feel the tension in her touch.
"B, what's bothering you?"
"I'm just worried about you."
"I'm fine. Once I do my solo tomorrow, I swear that I will start sitting more."
"You just have to take it easy babe. Don't think that just because your numbers are down you can exhaust yourself. You're seven months pregnant."
"I know, I know. I'll be better, I promise. You are so good to me B."
"You make it easy to be good to you. Hey, I signed my paperwork for Juilliard today."
"Really…so it's official now?"
"Yes, I called mom and dad to tell them."
"Were they excited?"
"Mom cried and thanked Jesus. I didn't even know she knew who that was. Dad though he just asked if I was sure and if I was happy with my decision. When I told him that I was he told me that he was proud of me."
"I'm proud of you too. Lean over here for a sec, I need some sweet wifey kisses!" she smiled and rubbed her nose against mine before kissing me long and hard. I felt a swift kick to my side.
"I think that your son is jealous." I said as I slapped my stomach where he kicked me.
"Hey, don't do that Ana, Izzy doesn't like that."
"Well I don't like when he climbs my ribs or uses my bladder for a soccer ball but he does it anyway."
"He is just a baby."
"Ow! The fucker just did it again. Britt you need talk some sense into him!"
I laid back and lifted my tunic so she could get closer access to my bare skin. Britt leaned down grabbing a bottle of cocoa butter that sat on the nightstand and began to rub my stomach in every itchy spot.
The moment she started speaking directly against my skin the kicking stopped and I felt him relax.
Britt has such a calming effect on everyone she meets and so I wasn't surprised that the baby had picked up on that. I sometimes think he likes her more than me...I don't think that I can blame him though, I'm pretty smitten with her myself.