Chapter 45: Sorry (Daughtry)

Just before my foot and belly rubs, when Britt was at afternoon practice and I was at home, all alone...I sat in my car and talked to those angels on my shoulders.

My body ached from all of the newlywed sex, the glee practice dancing and all the added stress I was adding with the trips to my car. As I sat there, listening to the bullhorn...I told myself that after the competition bright and early the next morning...I would clean out my car.

This wasn't how I needed to relieve my stress. It just wasn't healthy and then I stuck my knuckle into the bag and scooped as much as I could...maybe a line...no more than that and I snorted it. After that, I put the seat warmers on, wiped down the inside of my car with a baby wipe and cleaned off my face.

My car was facing the field and I stayed right there, reading over my senior project notes until Britt came from practice and took me upstairs to pamper me.

There was no pain in my back or stomach...no nosebleed...no crazy side effects. It was in essence the most complete and uneventful high I'd had.

I wasn't pissed at B being on her phone, I wasn't bugging over the way she nagged me one minute and deserted me the next. That night, I was loving and passionate until I passed out.

All was well or so I thought.

Sometime in the middle of the night when the moon was shining brightly through my window and Brittany was tucked snugly against my back, I woke up from the most vivid nightmare.

I had been standing on a pier overlooking a vast lake watching Britt and our son fish. The world was completely silent with the exception of my son's laughter. I remember myself smiling in the sunlight as I watched him laugh with his whole body. In a flash Britt turned to me and suddenly I was on the boat shoving my son overboard and then holding Britt back as he drowned before our eyes and she screamed that I was a monster.

In all of my research for my senior project, I have studied metaphors extensively and have always had a hard time grasping the full meaning of them until that night.

For me, it was literal, I was killing our son, I was drowning out his laughter and Britt would hate me for it.

She'd think that I was a monster.

But really, I wasn't.

I was an addict.

And it was haunting me.

I was in a daze as I climbed from the bed and walked to the kitchen in search of some water because I had woken up with a wet face and a dry throat.

My whole body was aching and my legs felt like jello. I stood in the kitchen watching the water fill up and overflow from my cup and found that I couldn't bring myself to drink it…all I kept hearing was my son's laughter and then his screams. I had to keep my word this time.

I couldn't get high again and as I secured that thought in my head there was a kick to my side.

"I'm sorry did I wake you mi'jo or is it you that woke me?"

My head was starting to hurt and my body was shaking as the last of my high left me.

How reckless I had been this week? Tonight?

I was in such a state of shock after seeing myself so boundlessly out of control and knew that this feeling of desperation had to be just be a reflection of how I felt most of the week on the inside.

So out of control.

Exhausted and feeling lost, I planned to give into sleep again...I had a big day ahead of me, so I crawled back into bed and tried to sleep but my son was restless…it made me wonder if babies dream inside the womb and if so, do they share the dreams of their mothers.

At some point in my thought process I had fallen into a dreamless sleep.

The next morning we were supposed to be leaving bright and early to head over to Carmel for the competition. So when the alarm went off and I couldn't bring myself to move Britt ended up shaking me awake. Which was a reversal for us, this baby had made me an early riser but I was basically paralyzed as I laid there.

It was with her shaking me again that I realized that it wasn't that I was unable to get up but rather I couldn't move because I was in such tremendous pain.

My back was on fire and I was just trying to ignore it so I kept pushing myself to go back to sleep but then I heard Britt leave the room and forced myself to turn from my side to my back and try to sit up.

When I finally managed to pull myself to a seated position there were even stronger sharp pains in my side and the sheets were quickly becoming soaked.

"Britt!" I screamed out.

She had been so on edge lately that I could have whispered and she would have heard me, so when she came running out the bathroom looking panicked...I felt it in my soul. I looked up at her waiting for some instruction because I was too shocked to move.

"What's happening…did your water just break?" She asked ripping the blanket off of me and inspecting the area where I sat.

"I think so…it hurts so bad."

"Ana, baby I think we have to go to the hospital." Britt was quickly becoming frantic and I was just scared.

"B, you need to call the doctor. Something is wrong, it's too soon." I said as I was attempting to stand up but then I was immediately falling to my knees.

It was so reminiscent of the last time that this happened that I couldn't help to break out in tears. "Fuck!" I said as I banged my hands against my knees.

The dream had been more than a damned metaphor it had been a warning. This is what happens Santana...do you see what you've done?

I should have gotten up then and gotten ready for this moment but I tried ignoring it.

Britt was running around me throwing things in a bag while calling the doctor.

She was frantically speaking into the phone and then looked down at me finally seeing my apparent distress.

"Ana is there any blood?" she asked trying to sound calm.

"I don't know!" I was now sobbing uncontrollably, because with every breath came more pain and every bit of strength I had was gone. I was relying completely on Britt to take over. I just knew that I had zero time to fuck around. "Just hurry, B!"

Frustrated with the doctor, she hung up. Tired of feeling helpless, she took matters into her own hands, no longer waiting for me to say something.

She simply scooped me up and held me close to her chest.

I hung onto her and tried to inhale her scent to calm my nerves but the pain wouldn't allow me to be calm.

"I'm so sorry Brittany… just forgive me…please?"

I kept sobbing over and over again.

"I'm here, baby. I'm here."

"Please, B...please? I'm so sorry. I tried so hard!"

She just kept looking at me with a worried expression, trying to find out what was wrong with me while driving.

"Ana, sweetheart, it's going to be okay…you have to calm down. I forgive you okay…this isn't your fault."

"It is…I've been so stupid and careless. So reckless!"

"Stop it…don't beat yourself up. Come on calm down…if he comes today we will just get to meet him sooner. He is going to want his Mami to be happy and calm…so just breathe baby."

"Okay."

"You can't beat yourself up, you made some mistakes before but you're better now. He's just so excited to come out that he couldn't wait another month and a half!"

"Britt...please?"

"I'm here, baby. I'm right here."

When we got to the hospital my doctor stood with a stretcher waiting and with a worried look on her face. I could see it in her eyes, she was wondering if I had caused this. She'd seen my numbers just seven days before and how perfect they were. I should be okay. I should be on my way to Carmel right now but instead here we were.

She quickly threw on a smile but it was too late, I had already seen her expression, she knew that this was bad.

I began to cry harder as they began wheeling me down the hall with Brittany holding tightly to my hand as we went straight to the labor suite.

"Britt?" she looked down at me and smiled. "Britt…I have to tell you something."

"I forgive you…okay. You don't need to confess your heart out right now. I know you have been overdoing it and I forgive you. Let's just focus on the baby and getting him here safely. Okay?"

"Okay."

"You told me to trust you and I do. I love you so much. I'm so proud of you baby. Just breathe. I'm here, okay?"

"I'm sorry sorry sorry."

And then she looked at me for a split second...recognizing my cries but then she rolled her eyes and kissed my hand.

She didn't want to believe that I had slipped but there was no doubting it anymore.

There was no coming back from this. I was sure of it.

Britt stood over me dressed in scrubs and a hair cap thing, trying to look at me excitedly but I wasn't excited about this.

It was all wrong.

My son wasn't supposed to be here for another month and a half. We hadn't prepared a nursery or finished shopping. My baby shower was supposed to be next weekend but now it seemed that the baby would be here first.

He needed to stay safely inside of me because I was nervous about what this would mean for him.

How sick was he going to be if he had to come out?

Then again, how sick would he be if he stayed in?

When I first got there the doctor tried to calm me with a bunch of best case scenarios but I trust my gut over a doctor's intuition any day.

I hadn't been there more than twenty minutes when the doctor finally looked up at me gravely.

"Well, it looks like he is in distress. We are going to have to get him out of there, as soon as possible." She said.

I looked up at her and began to cry while shaking my head in denial.

"No, no, no…it's too soon! Please! He can't come out yet!"

"Santana, either one of you could die if we wait any longer!"

The doctor was pleading with me to see reason but I was still adamantly refusing as if I had a choice.

Britt brushed a hand over my head and then kissed my cheek.

I could see the tears forming in her eyes and the fear that was now wrinkling up her face.

Fear that I had put there, thank you very much!

"Ana, sweetie, we have to do this." I nodded and reached for her hand.

"I know. Just...please don't leave me…please?"

"I'm not going anywhere."

"You promise?"

"I promise. We are in this together."

I was wheeled into surgery and they applied the regional anesthesia so that I could be awake but I wanted to be knocked out, I was too chicken shit to know what the reaction would be if he looked like a crack baby or something.

Why hadn't I thought of that?

"B...I'm so sorry. I...he's not ready!" I was crying and Britt put her face to mine.

"Babylove, there's no going back. If you fucked up, know that I'm not the one you need to be sorry to. I love you. I'm here and he will not be alone."

"Promise me?"

"I promise."

Numb, I laid there behind the blue curtain with Britt standing there shoulder to shoulder with the nurses while holding on tight to my hand. The tears hadn't stopped.

She watched everything that they did and asked if I wanted to know what they did but I just shook my head and tried not to sob.

"Wow…I see his head…San, his hair is black and curly like yours is." I smiled a little and squeezed her hand tighter. I was waiting patiently to hear him and seeing Britt's face scrunched up in concentration had me worried but then I heard it. It had all happened so fast in the spectrum of things but while I laid there and waited for that first cry it felt like an eternity before it came.

It was weak and small, but it was there.

Britt looked over at him with tears in her eyes.

"He's so beautiful…small…but beautiful! I can't believe that he's here, Ana." she whispered. She briefly let go of my hand so that she could cut his umbilical cord but then she was right back to comforting me as I wept.

"They are taking him away now…to check on him."

"Go with him B." I whispered as she kept looking over to the side.

"I'm not leaving you. Once you are all closed up then I will go see him okay."

"Promise me?"

"I promise."

Everything was suddenly ice cold and the biggest tremor yet took me under. Britt looked terrified and then it all went black.

I was floating and then I could hear the shuffling then I heard the monitors.

When I came around, there was a new IV pole next to me and Brittany was sobbing.

Had we lost him?

I tried to call to her but the world was fuzzy and it went black again.

More loud machines, more suffling.

And more sobbing.

Right then, all I wanted was my son and I couldn't feel him.

Had I finally killed him?

I was going straight to hell now, any abuse from Papi had been eclipsed by what I had done to my son.

God forgive me.

And then there was the cold.

So fucking cold.

Maybe that was my punishment for hurting my son, I would be eternally cold.

As I came around, it was to Britt talking to me.

She had to think I couldn't hear her but even in sleep, I would have heard those words.

"I want to forgive you but he's helpless. Why are you so selfish?"

I laid in my room after they stapled me up, getting poked and prodded and questioned extensively. Everyone wanted answers. I saw more doctors than I could count and it made me nervous still. I was still in pain and feeling extremely exhausted but I wanted to see him, so I denied all medication that wasn't necessary because I didn't want to be high on anything when I saw him for the first time.

I owed him that much.

Britt had gone off in search of a doctor because it had been over twenty minutes since the last nurse was in the room and we still hadn't heard word of how he was doing.

Finally, she ran into Dr. Ramirez and got her to come see me. When I saw my doctor's face, I was wishing that she hadn't come so soon but thankfully, she had come in alone while Britt stood in hallway calling our friends and family.

"Hi Santana, we almost lost you in that OR."

"You did?"

"We were about to close and you started hemorrhaging. It's going to be slow healing unfortunately. How are you feeling?"

"Tired."

"Understandable, two transfusions will do that to you. Any pain? I'm told you are rejecting painkillers. Are you sure that's what you want to do?"

"I guess I'm just done being high. Too little, too late. I know. How is he?"

"Sick, we are getting him set up in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, the NICU. He came in weighing five pounds even, so he isn't underweight but he is showing signs of withdrawal, I couldn't find any drugs in his system or yours but you lost a lot of your blood and I know your history."

"I…I—is he going to be okay?"

"He should be after some time. However, you need to get help, honey. This could have been so much worse."

"I know."

"You could have lost him."

I let out a gasp and nodded.

Guilt was filling my body as I looked at her.

"Am I going to be in trouble?"

"I'm torn Santana. I have known you since you were knee-high to your father and I know what you have been through this past year but I also know that you consciously put not only yourself but your baby in danger. I have an oath to uphold here."

"I know…but what if I get help, I mean you have no official record that I did anything...I can fix this? Right?"

"If you get help it would be the best thing that you could ever do for yourself and your son."

"I don't want him taken away, he belongs with me."

"Then I suggest you stop lying to yourself and your family and admit that you have problem. You need to be in treatment."

I didn't hear the door swing open or Britt's insanely light footsteps but I did hear her gasp out.

"A problem with what?"

My doctor looked at me and then back at Brittany.

"Let's make a deal Santana…you admit to your problem and I will forget what I know. This goes against everything I stand for but I believe that you are still capable of fixing this."

I bit my lip and looked between her and Brittany, fighting the tears that were overcoming me and then looked at the doctor and nodded.

"Okay."

"Right now. I'm not moving until you talk to her."

"Will someone please tell me what the hell is going on!" Brittany was yelling now and it made me jump.

The doctor stared at me for a long moment and then turned to my wife and smiled sadly.

"Tell her Santana."

I swallowed and then met my wife's eyes.

"I caused this B…I decided that getting through this week would be easier with a little help and so all week and then yesterday I went into my car and I snorted coke. It's started small, just a pinky full all week but then last night, I got bold and did a whole line. I promised myself that was it...I just...I fucked up and I want to be clean. I'm so sorry, B!"

"Why?!" She choked out as she put her hand over her mouth and tears came pouring down. It was one thing to know in theory but for me to say it, that this wasn't caused by past drug use but current drug use changed things in her mind. "You promised me that you were done."

"I was and I swear to you that am! Please don't be mad at me...please?"

At that point she lost it and I lost her.

"Why would you do this to him? Is this what you were so fucking sorry for earlier?"

She had tears pouring down her cheeks as she looked right through me.

"Yes."

"You lied this whole week about the drugs...even though I was there? And now you want to get clean...when it's already too late for him?"

"Yes. Please, B...I'll do anything. Baby please?"

"Shut up. I don't want to even look at you right now, Santana!" Britt looked away from me and right at the doctor. "What will happen now, doc? How can I protect him? She's on her own, it's him that I'm worried about."

"She gets help or the baby gets taken away. We have a rehab facility right in this hospital. It's my opinion that you admit yourself, Santana and sign your medical guardianship over to your wife."

"Sign him over?"

"Yes…decisions will need to be made for him and you are in no place to do that."

"Okay…I'll do it…once I'm healed up, I will do it."

"You need to do it now, everything needs to be addressed. Including cost." She pulled out an emergency form and I shakily signed my baby over to Brittany, knowing that I could trust her to do everything in her power to take care of him. The doctor took Britt's signature and then it was done.

I was no longer responsible for a baby that I had been carrying for seven months, instead Britt who had been my wife for eleven days would be in charge of his life and right then, I knew I'd do anything to set things right. Including that.

"I'll pay anything. Just...please, can I see him?"

I looked at Brittany but she was avoiding my eyes.

"Yes…I'll take you in a little while but right now I think you need to just sit here and think about what you did to us…to our family…to our son. I need you to sit here and think about how you are going to fix this."

The birth of your child should be one of the happiest days of your life. A time when you are closest to the ones that you love but for me it was one of the worst days of my life.

And one of the loneliest, even then with everything, I was still craving.

I sat alone in my hospital bed in an empty room and couldn't find a single tear to drop. I felt my heart become empty and cold in my chest, the longer I sat there.

The way that Britt looked at me was like no other look I had ever seen from her eyes, it was beyond disappointment, it felt like she was beyond ashamed.

There was knock on the door and then I felt her presence again. She looked like a wreck as she sat at the edge of my bed. I didn't know what to do or say, so I just reached for and waited for her to reach back.

Britt looked up at me and then put her hand on mine. Her skin was cold and clammy as she touched me. There was no spark or comfort.

"The doctor isn't going to say anything even if you don't get help."

"Why?"

"That's not important."

"It is to me."

"I told her that if you don't get help that I will report you myself. Your lawyer is drawing up the guardianship papers today. I just came to tell you that your sister is here and so are our friends. I don't know what to tell them. They all want to see him but right now he can't have visitors other than me, so they want to see you. What are you going to say?"

"I don't know. I don't really want to see anyone but the baby right now."

"Well you don't have that choice. So when I send Damariz in here…what are you going to say to her?"

"Why can't you just stay with me and find out?"

"Because, being around you hurts too much right now."

Her phone started going off from inside her pocket and she looked away from me and picked it up.

"Britt...please?" I squeaked. She looked back at me one last time and then left the room.

I sat there staring after her until my sister appeared and she didn't look too happy either.

"Hi Mari."

"Don't you fucking say hi to me, so casual…what the hell were you thinking? For six days? Really?"

"I wasn't thinking."

"I am so fucking disappointed in you."

"Join the club."

"Now is not the time for your fucking sarcasm, Santana."

"I don't know how else to be when Brittany won't let me see my own son."

"She is only doing what is best for him right now."

"Seeing me is what's best for him...seeing his mother, his family."

"I saw him."

"Is he okay? Does he look alright?"

"He has a slight twitch when he breathes in, like he's in pain."

"Is he…is he in pain?"

"I don't doubt it."

"What have I done? Oh God!"

I cried into my hands thinking about how small he must be and already he was in pain. It was my job to shield him from it and I had introduced it to him.

Damariz scrolled through her phone and then held up a picture for me. It wasn't a very clear but I could see him. Curly hair, caramel skin, and pouted lips just like mine. He was beautiful.

She took her phone back and tucked it away in her jacket and I immediately felt empty, the moment she took the phone back, I looked at her in desperation. I wanted to see the picture just a little bit longer but I knew that my moment to see it was over.

She had already defied Britt wishes and let me see him.

"In a few days you'll discharged…what are you going to do?"

"Rehab…I can't leave this hospital without getting better. I just can't."

"Do you mean that?"

"Of course I do."

"If you mean that then I will help you get into a program. Don't worry about him only having Brittany. I will help her with anything she needs for him, including any medical decisions."

"Thank you."

"You can thank me by meaning what you say and getting help."

"Mari, I've never meant anything more."

That night as I was trying to fall asleep I felt another warm body press up against mine spooning me and holding me close. When I heard her begin to hum, I started crying again and I could hear the tears that she was holding back.

"I'm so sorry Santana…no parent should be kept from their baby."

"I did this to him, Q. I fucked up...why didn't I just fucking listen to you?"

"Because you're too cocky. Nothing happened all week and you thought shit...what's one more. Now you see what one more does."

"I hate myself so much. He should be with me. I miss him so much." I broke into deep sobs and she just wiped my tears and kissed my shoulder.

"I know…and you are going to fucking fix it. I just know that you will make this better."

"How do you know that?"

"Because you have never loved anything more than yourself, not even Britt but now, now you feel a mother's love and I know for a fact that you won't let anything come between you and him."

"Isaac. That's his name. Britt and I have been keeping it quiet."

"Laughter."

"What?"

"His name means laughter. I love it...he's so beautiful San." I closed my eyes and began to connect the dots from my dream to now…maybe the dream was his way of communicating with me. I pulled Quinn's arms tighter around me and smiled for the first time all day.

"He needs me, Q."

"I know, sweetie, I know but not high. He doesn't need that...he needs his Mami in one piece, sober and alive."

"Do you think Britt will ever forgive me?"

"Will you ever forgive yourself?"

"No."

"Then how can you ask her to forgive you?"

"I can't…I will do everything in my power to make it better though. They are my life and I just want to do right by them...do better...be someone they can be proud of."

"How do you plan to do that, sweetie?"

"I need you to do me a favor, Q."

"Anything."

"I need you to take my car to my Tio Gene and have him search every nook and cranny. I need my stash gone before I get back in that car."

Quinn flinched and then I heard another voice in the room.

"Your car…that's where you kept it?" I heard Britt's voice suddenly come alive in the darkness and I felt my heart momentarily stop, I couldn't deny her anything at the moment especially not the truth.

"Yes B."

"So you did this in the parking lot at school and at home?"

"Yes B."

"What else have you kept from me?"

"This is it. I promise."

"Your promises don't mean shit to me right now, Santana. I'm going to go clean out your car myself…right now."

"Britt?"

"What?"

"I love you."

"Fuck you Santana."