Chapter 46: What I've Done (Linkin Park)

I fell asleep in Quinn's arms and woke up alone with Brittany staring in my face. For a moment, I forgot where I was and why I was there but then I put my hand to my stomach which was no longer firm and ached. I hissed as I turned onto my back and took a deep painful breath.

"Are you in pain?" She asked, her voice sounding hoarse. "You were groaning in your sleep."

I was afraid of the look she was giving me, she almost looked like she wasn't angry...just dazed.

"Yes." I said as one of the staples pulled.

"The doctor says that you've refused pain medication."

"Yeah, I feel like I've had enough drugs in my body."

"Why? It doesn't matter anymore if you're hopped up on medication. Take it if it helps you heal."

"Only if it's okay with you, B." I said, and she rolled her eyes and began to pace back and forth, no longer looking at me.

"None of this is okay with me, Santana. None of it."

"I'm sorry."

"No. I don't care if you're sorry. That means nothing to me."

"Britt...please don't be like this." I said, as a cramp hit me, and I felt like the wind was knocked out of me. "Fuck." I groaned and then my blood pressure cuff was inflating, and the machine was beeping. Britt looked at the machine and then walked around the bed and hit a button.

Almost instantly, I felt the coolness come from my IV and then the pain eased, and my pressure dropped.

"It's automatic, so you won't be able to take advantage of it. Damariz showed me how to start it, she just wanted me to talk you into taking the medicine since you're so fucking stubborn." Britt said and then she moved to the end of my bed.

"I don't trust myself Britt...I thought not taking the meds would make you happy." My words sounded just as pathetic to me as they sounded to her as she scoffed again.

"I don't want you to be in pain. I'm just really mad at you right now but you're still my wife. I don't want you to suffer if you don't have to." I watched her as she straightened out my blanket, tucking it around my feet. "I'm going to let you see him today." She sighed.

I looked up at her and felt the ice in my chest melt a bit.

"Thank you, Britt!"

"I'm not doing this for you. The doctors think that his vitals will improve with skin to skin contact with you. If that wasn't necessary, I wouldn't let you see him until you got your shit together. Just know that."

"Oh."

"Yeah, oh. You won't be allowed to see him unless I'm with you until I can trust that he is safe with you."

I wanted to say that he is safe with me, that I would never hurt him but if that were true, he wouldn't be sick. So, while her words hurt like bitch, I had to agree with her.

"That's fair."

"Nothing that I am doing is to be fair to you."

"Okay, B. I get that. When can I see him?"

"After your vital check they'll bring you upstairs. You will get to stay with him for one hour and if his vitals improve, then me and the doctor will decide if you can stay a little longer."

"Okay, B."

"I'll let them know you're awake." She left me after that and I sat there counting the minutes until it was time to head to see my little boy.

Britt sat in a rocking chair at the very front of a ward of babies in incubators. Many of them under blue lights. The nurse wheeled me into the room and parked me next to Brittany.

She huffed and stood up, walking over to the incubator and talking to the nurse that was checking the baby out.

I sat there, trying to see him but Britt was blocking my view and then she took off her sweater and draped it over my shoulders before pulling the top of my gown down to right above my nipples. Usually this kind of action, her undressing me, was filled with love and silliness but she was touching me like she did all those months ago in that shower, clinical and cold. She didn't even look me in the eye and then she stepped back.

The nurse walked over to me with a tiny little body in her hands. He was still hooked up to wires but was otherwise naked except for his tiny diaper.

I could feel a tear coming but Britt glared at me and shook her head.

"He needs good vitals, Ana. Don't get yourself worked up, it won't help." I nodded and swallowed back my guilt, instead I smiled and then he was against my chest.

Quinn was right, I had a mother's love and for me there was nothing that I wouldn't do for my son. When I was pregnant, it was like the fact that there was another person in my body...it just didn't seem real.

Even with the sonograms and the kicks, it still didn't seem real. Now though...it was too real. I was staring at the consequences of my actions and I didn't like what I saw.

His face was a smaller replica of my own, there was no denying that Isaac was mine but his size...his small size scared me. I had robbed him of a normal birth. His life was now overshadowed by my drug addiction and it just wasn't right.

As I held him, I could see the twitch that Damariz was talking about and it made my very soul ache.

"His vitals are already up, this little guy just needed that skin to skin contact with his Mom, something about it helps them to heal faster."

His breathing had slowed a bit and his hands released themselves from the tight fists that he had balled up. I leaned in and smelled him, and it made me ache in the best way. I took my finger and softly stroked his back and he made a small noise that sounded like a sigh which made me swoon.

Everything about my son had me entranced. He seemed so content as I kept rubbing my finger up and down his back. Even the twitching seemed to settle a bit.

"Hi, Isaac…it's your Mami…I love you so much, Papa and I'm going to do everything to make this right. I'm sorry it's taking so long for me to be better, but I will prove to you and your Mama that I can do it."

"See baby, I told you there was someone else who loved you. I'll bring her to hold you whenever I can." Britt whispered to him and then brushed a finger over his forehead and he let out the biggest sigh yet. With both of us touching him, his twitch slowed even more.

The nurse smiled.

"He needs you both." Then she gave Britt a look and said sweetly. "This is hard, I have seen this before and the fact that she even wants to hold him is a good sign. It is officially not about either of you, it's all about him. His health, his happiness and" she was looking at me again, "his security and quality of life."

I nodded and looked at Britt, but she was fighting back tears as she looked away from me. Sitting there made me ache where they'd cut me open, but I didn't argue, I just continued to hold him for a nice long while before I had to give him back.

Britt kept shooting glares at me when the hour mark passed, and the nurse asked if I could stay awhile longer since he seemed, so content and I didn't give a fuck about how Britt felt, I needed him, and he needed me.

He was my son and if she wanted me to get better she had to let me have this moment.

When he tried to cry, I began to sing to him and he settled again.

"Whenever you are able, you should come up here to see him." The nurse said, and I looked at Britt and she just nodded.

"I will talk to her doctors because she lost a lot of blood after surgery. She almost died so they are monitoring her closely but whatever is best for Isaac is what we will do."

Two hours passed before I knew it and my nurse was back to take me to my room. Britt looked relieved when it was time for me to go.

I kissed my son's head and told him that I loved him and would see him as soon as I could.

The nurse put him back into the incubator and began to change him while Britt readjusted my gown. When she reached for her sweater I put my hand over hers.

"Can I hold onto this, B? It's warm and it smells like you."

She looked at me with so much pain in her eyes, I could tell she wanted to be spiteful but instead she just nodded.

"Okay."

"Thank you."

"You're um...you're welcome."

"Thank you for being an amazing Mama to him. Maybe you can stay with me tonight?" I asked, and she nodded.

"Okay."

"Great. I love you, B."

She nodded and then nodded to my nurse and walked away.

I cried the entire way to my room.

After seeing my son, I was a different patient. I didn't argue with any medical advice, instead, I asked questions and took the suggestions of my doctors.

Other than Brittany, so far, I'd only seen Mari and Quinn come through my door, it was a relief to not have to explain myself to anyone else but then as I was sitting there trying to work on my senior project with tears in my eyes. I heard the door open.

And there was Mami, her hands clutched in front of her with a face swollen with tears.

I put down my book and fussed over my blankets, trying to make myself look more presentable while waiting for whatever harsh words she was going to deliver but then she just came closer to me and wrapped me up in her arms.

The moment that I was in her arms and she held my head to her chest. I broke.

"I'm sorry, Mami...I'm so sorry." I whispered.

"I know, mi'ja...I know. Have you been to see him?"

"This morning for the first time, he's...he's so beautiful."

"Is he breathing on his own?"

"Yes."

"Good."

"Has a social worker come to you yet?"

"Yes, but I signed him over to Brittany, so they are talking to her...I can't see him on my own and she hates me."

"Shhh, they didn't take him from both of you and that's good. Probably because he'll be here for a while...I came as soon as I could. I'm sorry it took so long."

Mami held me against her, she'd shimmied into the bed and not a single doctor that had worked here with my father dared say anything to his wife. With her presence, they were nicer, and the doctors started to explain how I was doing.

"Santana's heart stopped after the cesarean. We had to resuscitate her, and the blood loss was substantial. She was stabilized before leaving the OR and has been refusing pain medication until this morning. Since her body has been weakened by the cocaine, she will need to stay here longer than the average."

"How long?" I asked.

"At least a week, your incision won't heal normally with the diabetes and high blood pressure."

Mami stiffened.

"Diabetes?"

"Gestational...if I take care of myself, the doctor said it could go away."

"Pero you haven't been taking care of yourself."

"I know...I want to start though."

"Good." I nodded and looked back at the doctor.

"Can I start the rehab program now?"

"Once your staples are out and we reduce the morphine, you will be cleared to start drug counseling."

"Thank you."

Mami stayed with me until dinner time, where she hovered over me and changed my meal selections for the next day. I didn't mind because this was the most attention I had received from anyone since those amazing foot rubs two nights ago.

Britt came into the room looking exhausted with her backpack and a scowl on her face but then she saw Mami and I saw her smile for the first time.

She dropped her bag and threw herself at my mother, who is almost a foot shorter than her but seeing Mami hold her as she broke out into sobs, made my heart ache.

"You made it...come see him before visiting hours are over. Por favor?" Britt said and Mami nodded. She kissed my face and then followed Britt out of the room.

And once again I was all alone.

I leaned towards the IV and hit the morphine button twice, something I was only supposed to do if I was in extreme pain. I closed my eyes and drifted as the drug hit my system.

When Britt came back, she was alone, and she looked at me...then looked at the machine. I could see disappointment in her eyes, but she kicked off her shoes and climbed in the bed with me anyway.

I was stuck, awake but not coherent.

But she spoke, and my body responded to her.

"This is what Marco meant about keeping you on a tight leash. I blame myself, I should have made you sit in on our practice. I shouldn't have left you alone for a moment because I had a feeling, but I didn't want to believe that you'd do this. I let him down almost as much as I let you down."

She was crying as she held me, but not once did she let go.

"Please." I whispered to her, not even knowing what I was asking for.

"Things are going to change, Ana. No more stupid silly, Brittany. I have secrets of my own, things that keep me from being a whole person, but I can't risk that anymore. I need to be here fully...you need someone to lead you. Your dad is dead, Marco is in prison, so it falls to me."

She was talking faster than my mind could comprehend but as I started to come around, sober up...I pulled her closer with what little strength I had.

Once I was pressed against her I was asleep in moments.

I woke up in pain.

The room was dark, and she kept snoring but then would wake up with a whimper.

"Baby?" I said to her and she leaned her head against mine. "Are you awake?"

"I barely sleep." She said, her voice gritty.

"How can I fix this?"

"You can't fix Izzy, it's too late for that."

"I know. I can only get better for him but how can I fix us?"

"You can't but I made vows and I plan to keep them."

If she only knew that we weren't legally married, she'd probably run for the hills. That was a secret that I planned to fix down the road with a vow renewal with a real certificate. Knowing people in the marriage registry office in New York had helped to make everything legit once I submitted the paperwork.

But I couldn't lose her...not now.

We went on like this until the day that I was supposed to leave.

Britt stayed with me at night and confessed her soul to me, told me things would be different, snuggled me close to her.

Sometimes she'd kiss my face and tell me that I was hers to fix and other times she would slip up, tell me that I disgusted her, and it wasn't even a shock to me.

After being Marco Vega's property, nothing shocked me.

The night before my discharge, the doctors were unsure of whether it was safe for me to leave yet. I was nervous because I had a feeling that without me in the same hospital as Isaac, Brittany would make excuses about my seeing him...so I took matters into my own hands.

When no one was watching, I'd get up and walk in circles, sometimes jogging in place...then I'd collapse in bed and up the morphine before the doctors returned.

I did this for two days in a row before the pain became unbearable and I had to concede that I was probably damaging my body beyond repair...so common sense prevailed, and I kept my ass in bed. It was probably best that I let things happen as they would. I had just had my staples removed and regular stitches replaced them because my skin was damaged in some places. A bandage went across my abdomen and so far, it seemed that I would be cleared to leave on schedule but after seeing the early sign of infection in one of the places that my skin bubbled, Mari grew concerned about my slow healing so was going back and forth with the doctors about keeping me a little longer.

That night before I was supposed to be discharged, Britt came into my room and woke me up when she climbed in the bed.

"I know what you're doing." She said as I moved slowly over to give her space.

"What's up?" I asked, actually confused about what she was talking about.

"You're moving around on purpose so that you can stay close to Izzy."

"Baby, this hurts...why would I want to make it worse?"

"I just told you. I'm not stupid, Santana. You know that I don't want you near him and that you aren't on the solo visitors list."

A fact that I hadn't known until that moment took my breath away.

"I'm not?"

"No. Only your mom and Damariz can see him by themselves. Everyone else can only see him if I'm there."

"How was he today?" I asked, trying to change the subject.

"Did you know that I saw you?"

"Saw me what?"

"Running in place. I won't let you hurt yourself just to see him, that doesn't help anyone. If you try it again, I will tell them that you need a psychiatric hold, so they cuff you to the bed. Is that what you want?"

I was crying now as I looked into her cold eyes.

"No."

"Stop hurting yourself, it hurts me to know that you'd do that just to see him. I don't want to keep you from him even if it feels like it. It's been a week and I'm starting to not hate you for what you did. I went to speak to a therapist and I talked to your mom some. She helped me realize that you did almost die and that you were probably punishing yourself worse than I was. I saw it happen, you were there one minute and then passed out the next. I don't want you to die. I just want you to feel something for once. I want you to want to be around for him while you're healthy. I want my wife back."

"I'm here."

"No. You are still leaning on a drug. After today you get no more morphine, just over the counter stuff that can't get you high. Tomorrow, I will get to see you sober and here for real."

"You are the one that told me to take the morphine."

"If it helped you heal and not hurt but are you even hurting?"

"Emotionally, I want to be better, B. You are shunning me and making me feel like I'm a worse person than Marco...it makes me feel like my life means nothing. That I mean nothing. I'm sorry, B."

"I don't want to hear that you're sorry, those apologies belong only to Isaac. I don't want you to feel worthless. You mean the world to Izzy, even though he can't say it...his body says it. When you're there he heals the most. So maybe we should create some rules. Okay?"

"Okay, whatever you want Britt."

"I'm not going to keep you from him as long as you are sober but if you see him and are on something, I swear I will never forgive you and I will seek full custody."

"What?"

"Look, I want to forgive what you did but I don't feel like I can until I can understand why you did it for a long time still. I know that you have a million reasons but honestly none of them really matter because what's done is done. You broke my trust and my heart, but I can get through that and work on us because you're my wife Santana and I love you, I love you more than you love yourself on a good day. I just need you to not hide behind your walls. Can you do that?"

"Yes. I will do anything that you need me to do."

She put her arm around me and then leaned in and kissed my face.

"You are excused from school for the rest of the month, I think you should admit yourself into the rehab instead of hurting yourself any further."

"I didn't think you'd want me to, B."

"You are sick. That's what Damariz keeps telling me and I can't keep you from getting the help that you need. They have a 14-day in-patient program. After that we need to go to therapy together and then you do the outpatient rehab. If you do that, I think that we can make it through without me needing to keep you from Isaac. I don't think you not being around is good for Isaac. The nurse told me after you left this morning, that all of his vitals improved the moment you touched him and that hasn't happened with anyone...not even me."

"Really?" I smiled to myself, but it dropped when I saw the jealousy in her eyes.

"Yea."

"What if I slip up?"

"Then you admit it to me right away, so we can work through it together but if you throw yourself into rehab the same way you do with other things that mean something to you, then I think you're going to do amazing."

"B...what if this is bigger than us...bigger than our love?"

"Nothing is bigger than our love silly. Nothing."

"I will do anything to make this right Britt Britt."

"I'm going to hold you to that."

Once I was off the morphine and had talked to Mari about helping me get admitted to the rehab, they agreed to transfer me instead of discharge me since I was still healing.

The rehab was one floor above the NICU, which meant that I was even closer to Isaac.

When I got to the rehab, I had Britt and Mami with me.

There were forms that I had to complete to completely hand temporary guardianship over to Brittany before I was officially unavailable for two weeks.

Britt seemed to be much nicer once she knew she had the legal say over Isaac.

Mami kissed my face and hugged me tight.

"You are a Lopez and we don't quit. Marco may have done everything that he could to break you, but you have the final say."

"I won't quit."

"Good girl." She said and then kissed my forehead. "Do right by your wife and son, be the woman that you need to be for them but also for yourself."

Mami left and then it was me all alone with my wife.

Britt squatted down in front of my wheelchair and took my hands.

"I meant what I said, as long as you're sober I won't stand in your way of spending time with him. I have to go to school this week, but Sue only has me practicing with the team on Saturday mornings, so that I can get here to be with Izzy. When I get here, they'll bring you down and you can sit with him for as long as you're allowed. Mari made sure of it."

"Thank you, B."

She smiled at me and nodded.

That's where we had rested, instead of apologizing to her...I had started thanking her and it seemed that was the ticket to not pissing her off. She wanted me to see all that she was doing and appreciate that she was being a supportive wife. Whoever had gotten in her head finally made her remember that she loved me.

I was strip searched and then was given the rundown of things that I wasn't allowed, like my phone, before they put two bracelets on me. Then they gave Britt one to get back into the ward, she was the only visitor that I was allowed. She gripped my face and kissed me with bruising force before pulling back.

"You can do this and then when you're better, we can start this marriage over again. This time with no lies and holding back."

"Okay, B."

"I will bring all of your school work to you each day and take it back for you so that you don't fall behind."

"Thank you, B."

"Make us proud, Mami."

"Thanks, Mama."

I was doing this finally and I wanted to do my very best.

There was nothing more important than coming home to my family and taking them far, far away from here.