Chapter 47: Hurts Like Hell (Madison Beer feat. Offset)

"So, what is your take away from this experience?" I sat in Britt's sweater that still smelled like her, with my bag packed up and my journal that Q had gotten me for Christmas filled from front to back. Fourteen days in rehab with an hour to hour regimented routine had helped me to refocus on what is most important.

Mornings were for group and a portioned breakfast.

Early afternoons were for school work and a portioned healthy lunch.

Late afternoons were for Britt and Isaac.

And night time was for mandatory dinners with Britt, individual counseling and more study time.

B had gotten out of some of the dinners when something was wrong with Isaac and I imagine what were fake practices with Sue. The more therapy sessions that I had asked her to be a part of, the more resentful she seemed to get but even with her attitude, she still showed up.

It took this experience away from Quinn for me to realize that I had been too dependent on her and not focused enough on the woman that I chose over her. My world of Mami, my sisters, my school friends, Marco, and NYC had all condensed down to my recovery, my wife, and my son.

Not having any visitors other than Britt and being away from my phone for two whole weeks had me feeling so centered, much like before last summer.

Britt had kept her word, each day she came and took me go see my son.

While I felt more connected to him, I could feel the chasm growing between me and Britt.

I was nervous about going home with her today, she said that she wanted to take me home and get me settled first before coming back to visit with Isaac. It made me anxious to know that even though I wanted to see him before I left just in case we didn't make it back tonight, I had no say of when I saw him, so I had to take what I could get.

Britt sat next to me, ready to get the fuck out there but trying to just act aloof.

Which I had always hated. She was not stupid, but I sometimes felt that she leaned on people's perceptions of who she was.

"I have learned that I can't control everything and just because I can't doesn't mean that I need to look for an easy escape. I need to confront my emotions and recognize when I'm in over my head and choose a healthy coping mechanism."

"Do you think you can achieve that?"

"With time and support, yes."

"And what about you Brittany?"

She looked somewhat irritated as she smoothed out her Cheerio skirt. For me to go home, she needed to sit in on two group meetings and this exit therapy session, but she wasn't happy about it.

In her words, she hadn't been the one doing the drugs, so she shouldn't have to be punished with me.

"I learned that I can't expect Santana to be perfect all the time or to know how I feel if I'm not honest with her. I learned to share how I feel about something when it bothers me and not after it builds up."

"Is there anything you'd like to say to Brittany today that you haven't already, Santana?"

I turned to her and took her hand in mine.

"You keep telling me that all of my apologies belong to Isaac, but I've learned that isn't quite true. You admitted to me last time it's really that you weren't open to forgiving me, so you didn't want to hear my apologies. Do you still feel that way?"

She nodded while staring at the ground. "A little bit, yeah."

"Okay, well I hear your hurts and I just want you to know that I am sorry for leading you to believe that I was sober and invincible. I am not perfect, and I promise to be open with you."

"And honest?" She asked without looking at me.

"Brittany, it might help to look at your wife when she is opening up to you, it might encourage honesty if she feels like you are open to what she's saying."

She sighed heavily and then looked at me.

Her eyes were cold and unfeeling, any leeway that we had gained was gone now. I could see that. Two weeks away from me had shown her a different side to things, that was plain, but I couldn't let this hinder my recovery.

"Are you done lying to me?" She asked.

"I think that I am, yes."

She turned to the therapist and gestured towards me.

"See, it's responses like that...how can I trust that?"

"It's going to take you time Brittany. Do you still want to be with Santana?"

She looked at the therapist for a long moment and then back at me.

"I think so, yes." The look in her eye and her throwing my words back at me said it all.

Message received.

My friendship with Britt was always an easy one, from the moment that we met we have been inseparable. At first it was all three of us that were stuck at the hip but then when Quinn got pregnant and we were just with each other all the time our bond grew even greater.

I have always found an extreme comfort being around her, touching her, talking to her, everything was always easy but, on the drive, back home, in my car that I had missed more than I care to explain...Britt cut off the music that usually never goes off and didn't say a word to me.

Then when we walked up to our apartment and I felt nervous, I panicked a little inside, it was a new thing for me. She'd been back here for over two weeks by herself and now I was coming back into a space that had become hers alone. It didn't feel like my sanctuary anymore when there was this chasm between us now that I had created by doing something reckless.

When we were finally inside of the apartment, I dropped my bags on the floor, kicked off my shoes and sat down right in my favorite spot on the couch. The heat that I usually kept turned up was turned off and a lot of my books were put away. It even smelled differently, there was the scent of bubblegum and the hint of nicotine.

I'd spent nights in rehab dreaming of being home again, but this didn't feel like home anymore. I felt so alone, so lost and out of place in my own apartment.

My eyes finally met Britt's. She'd been watching me look around and then she ignored my no shoes on the carpet rule and came over to me. I reached for her hand and unlike rehab, she pulled away from me.

"Come sit in the kitchen while I heat up dinner."

I nodded and followed her into the kitchen. Mail sat stacked in a box on the end of the table and her books were blocking half of it, but I didn't say a word. In two days, I'd be back at school, so I had time to set my apartment back to how I liked it. Right in that moment though, I needed to yield to her.

She heated up rice and chicken that smelled an awful lot like Mami's and it made my stomach grumble.

"Mami was here?" I asked, and she shook her head.

"No, Quinn and Celia had dinner with her last night and she sent this over, so you'd have a good first meal at home."

"That's nice." I said, and she nodded, seeming to relax a little bit and I didn't want to say or do anything that would fuck with that.

And then her phone went off and she pulled her phone out she read a text and stopped everything to respond...which made me wonder where my phone was, but I was too afraid to ask.

She only served me and then sat across from me staring at her phone screen.

I prayed over my food and then began to eat slowly, something that I had been learning...eating mindfully helps with eating disorders like mine. I put my fork down and sat back, taking my time to chew.

Over and over, I did this, scoop food into my mouth, sit back and chew.

After about four bites of my food she finally sat forward and put her phone down, looking at me with the beginning of tears in her eyes as she looked over at me.

"We need to talk about things."

"Okay…like what do you want to talk about?"

Dumb question, Santana but she likes to play dumb, I should be able to do that too.

"Everything is different now. I'm different now."

"I know."

"Do you? Do you understand that I find it so hard to trust you, right now? Do you see that I feel so broken inside because I am supposed to be your support, the one that keeps you from falling but instead, instead we are lying to each other and keeping secrets?"

"What do you mean 'we'? I mean yeah, I fucked up but what have you done? What lies have you told me? I'm the fucking drug addict, not you."

"I should tell you something."

"Like what?"

"I've been talking to Frankie every day." She said without even a look of guilt.

"When? Why?" I asked as calmly as I could.

"Like all the time. We're friends. She just wants to be there for me."

"Bullshit."

"You don't think I'm a good judge of people?"

"You chose to marry me so I'm not so sure." I said rolling my eyes.

"Fuck you Santana." she looked angry now, that's an emotion I can deal with, I've seen her angry. "I loved you, why wouldn't I want to marry you?"

"Loved as in past tense?"

"You know what I meant," she sighed and then took a deep breath and gestured to my plate. She waited for me to take a few more bites and then continued, "She's my friend and I trust her to have my back."

"I'm just being honest Brittany. I don't trust that girl at all."

"Do you trust me?"

"Without question, I trust you with my life...with our son's life."

"Then trust that I know what I'm doing when it comes to her."

"What are you doing, I mean what is the point of this friendship with Frankie, you're not even going on that tour right?"

"I'm keeping my connections just in case I want to tour one day. She's a good person to know."

"Whose idea was that?"

"What makes you think I couldn't come up with that idea myself?" her face was turning red.

This wasn't a good way to reconcile.

"Of course, you could come up with it, you just don't think like that...me, yes, I'm in it for personal gain but you Britt...you are pure, you're not in it for anything."

"You don't know me like you think you do Ana. Everything that I do, everything that I say has a reason behind it, even this conversation."

"Enlighten then me B, tell me why we are talking about this, of all things, right now? I just got home. What is the fucking point?"

"I saw her on our wedding day."

Ahhhh, there is the fucking guilty face. The tears at our ceremony, I put my fork down and took a deep breath before looking her in the eye, trying my best not to snap at her even though it felt like she punched me in the gut.

"What do mean, that you saw her?" I asked.

"Yep...I ditched Rachel and went to the hotel. Frankie had called me, and I told her I was in town for the week and she asked if I wanted to meet for breakfast."

"And you went?"

"Yes."

"Did you fuck her?"

"No."

"Promise."

"What?"

"Promise me that you didn't fuck her, B."

My voice was getting lower and deeper as I imagined my wife fucking this bimbo.

"Fine. I promise you that I didn't fuck her."

"Did she fuck you?"

Britt went red and I knew that without her saying the words that I had asked the right question.

"Yes."

"Did you want to fuck her?"

"Yes."

"And yet I still don't understand why you are telling me this, why now?"

"Because I need you to see that I have faced temptation and I've given in but still I married you, so I love you or I wouldn't be here anymore." She said while rubbing her hands on her thighs.

What?

"Okay, B...I have to be honest that this really isn't…ugh...what does that have to do with anything between us, Brittany? You had sex with someone before we got married...how about since then?"

"No."

"Okay...so you're saying this to just hurt me?"

"I could have called this whole thing off and just fucked her all day, but I didn't give in. That's how you need to be when it comes to drugs."

"Why didn't you just say that in the first place, B? Why even bother to tell me about Frankie unless you want to keep fucking around with her?"

"Because I also wanted you to see that it would be so easy for me to leave you but I'm still here."

"How nice of you to stick by me for once in our relationship" I muttered, thinking of her ditching me for Wheels and then again for Finn...Frankie...Marco...almost Quinn.

"Don't get bitchy. I just want to be honest with you so that you will be honest with me. I can't ask you to be truthful if I continue to lie."

She had a point.

"Fine, so you had breakfast with her, she fucked you and you didn't fuck her, did you talk about anything, maybe tell her you were getting married that day?" I asked trying to not be angry.

"I told her that yeah. Mainly though, we talked about the tour...how she needed me on it, she kept going on and on about how more than half of the dancers at Julliard would sell their souls for a chance to tour with Madonna."

"She's probably right."

"I'm glad that you agree."

"What? Why does it matter that I agree? You already signed the papers for Julliard, so who cares?"

She shrugged.

"I don't know, maybe I care."

"Just so you know, B, since we're being truthful and shit, you going to Julliard instead of tour is the only reason that I was so willing to marry you because I thought that you would be around. I mean we spend hours talking about our lives in New York. You are going to Julliard...right?"

"No, I lied about that."

"Britt...Please tell me you signed the papers for Julliard?"

"I signed them I just never sent them...Frankie has been trying to convince me to go on tour, like really hard and she is slowly breaking me down."

"So, all the sneaky text messages and phone calls they were from her?"

"Yes."

"How is this supposed to help me stay sober, how does you telling me that you talk all day to a girl that you want to fuck again keep me clean. Please fucking help me understand how this keeps me from wanting to get so fucking blazed that I don't feel this motherfucking knife in my chest?"

"Because come September, I may not be here so I'm going to need you to get it together for Izzy. I need you to be able to take care of him and yourself when I walk away."

"When you walk away? So, you've decided that you're leaving me?"

"I'm leaning towards the tour…but I still love you."

"Prove it."

I felt a headache coming on as I looked into her eyes and hated the change that I could see in them.

Who was this woman who I had married?

I was trying my hardest to see the love in her eyes, but they just looked empty and cold. There was even a little maliciousness in there and it frightened me, this was the third in the unholy trinity so obviously Britt had a dark side, but she had never had it towards me.

Right then, I knew that we would never be the same again. Something inside my wife had died and I was probably the one that killed it.

"How?"

"Show me how you love me, B."

She looked at my hurt face and just shook her head.

"We aren't there yet. I'm not ready for the sweet lady kisses, not from you."

"If not me then…who? Frankie?"

"Maybe, I just know that I don't really want you to touch me right now. "

"What? Why? This is all because of what I did?"

"Yes! You have to earn that right back...do you know how much it killed me to find all that stuff in your car."

"How much did you find?"

"How much was there?"

"Just tell me, how many bags?"

"I found five bags. Is that all of it?"

"I think so."

"What do you mean you think so?"

"It's been in there for months, how am I supposed to remember how much is in there?"

"Because you fucking put it in there Santana, that's how!"

She was on her feet standing above me pointing an accusatory finger in my face.

"When I was high, I put it there, when I was fucking high, Britt!"

"I don't believe you...you're Santana Lopez you know everything about everything! I know you have a better idea of how much is in there, that's why you asked me the way that you did. So how much is in there, how many bags?"

"I'm not sure, four maybe."

"But I found five, does that mean that there could be more?"

She had her hands crossed over her chest and looked helpless.

"Possibly?"

I shrugged and looked up at her trying to show her that I was being honest.

"I'm trying really hard to be fair to you Santana…but we can't deal with it if you aren't honest with me."

"And I'm doing everything I can to be honest with you."

She shook her head and threw her hands up in frustration.

"You know what...I just need to go clear my head for a while. I'll call you later and I'm taking your car. I already searched this place, there's nothing here."

"Wait...how long is a little while?"

"I'm not sure an hour or two...I'll probably go see my parents or Rachel."

"Fine, go! Can I have my car key, you have your own car, please?"

I stood up and held my hand out.

"No."

"Why not? I may want to go see my son and I can't walk there with the stitches."

"No, you can't see him without me. You know that."

"Are you serious right now, Brittany?!"

"You can't have the keys because there are probably still drugs in that car, Santana and I'm not risking it...if you want to see Isaac I'll take you myself."

"Fine! Let's go then."

It killed me that my own wife didn't trust me to drive ten blocks by myself. Especially when I was being completely fucking honest when I told her that I didn't know how much was in there…I know there is more, but I don't know how much.

I'm already thinking like a lawyer, God help me!

She should trust that I wouldn't go see Isaac high even if I got high while pregnant more than once. I had done the work of rehab and I wanted to be sober.

I had done what she asked of me without deviation even once.

She should trust me.

Okay, okay…then again, I know for a fact that there are at least ten bags of coke still stashed in the car, so I guess I wouldn't trust me either.

So just like that, she gave up on her alone time to drive me back to a hospital that I had been in for three full weeks.

My mind was going crazy as we set out for the hospital in my car that I knew for a fact was swimming in coke.

I kept finding myself mentally searching the areas that were easy access that B would never think to look.

When I picked out this car, my dad allowed me to get whatever custom changes I wanted and so I decided to have a bunch of hiding spots put in.

I have always been obsessed with hiding spots.

These though had a purpose.

Even though I was sober at the time, a part of me knew it wouldn't last forever.

What's wrong with me?

I'm wasn't an addict then...I just liked a buzz from time to time but now as a professed addict, I knew that even then my addiction was legit.

"What are you thinking about?" Britt asked knocking me out of my thoughts.

"Huh?"

"It's the drugs isn't it?" She asked again, with impatience in her voice.

"No, I swear." I said as I thought of the spot closest to where I was sitting.

"Andddd we are back to lying."

She shot me a look as she pulled into a parking spot outside the hospital and then she sat there and looked out the window biting her lips.

"Ok, ok fine yes I was thinking about drugs...but not like you think."

"Right...ok."

Britt was really becoming a pro with her sarcasm and I can honestly say in some ways she was better at it than me.

I didn't have any words for her after that, I just got out the car and walked to the elevator behind my fuming wife.

As we got on the elevator I fought the urge to glance at my car.

The ride up to the fifth floor was tense as Britt held tightly to my hand.

Right then, I was thinking of going up one more floor and checking myself back in.

The moment that we stepped into the NICU, all the drama was left at the door. I smiled at Britt and she actually smiled back, a genuine fucking smile.

God, I missed how easy those used to appear on her face when she looked at me. I let out a sigh and regained my focus as we washed our hands and then headed back to see Isaac.

"I'm glad you're here with me Ana." Britt whispered as I waved to the nurse before heading to the rocking chair beside his incubator.

I looked up at Britt and smiled again,

"Me too, B."

Feeling more confident, I sat in the rocking chair and nodded towards the nurse so that she could bring me my son. It felt good being able to just walk in without worrying about anyone judging me…like Britt and be able to hold him. It had only been a day since I had last seen him but already he looked different.

I ran my hand lightly over him and just like last time he slept peacefully on my chest.

As I touched his back he kept making the cutest little sighing noises.

I loved him so much. I took a moment to examine him thoroughly since I hadn't before now. I had so focused on just getting see him that I wasn't thinking about his features.

Isaac had long fingers, toes, and legs that all seemed in working order and his face looked almost like a tiny replica of mine...he was absolutely gorgeous!

The features that weren't mine was his little ears that stuck out a bit, what I wanted was to see his eyes because in all this time...every time I came he'd keep them closed...or would be sleeping but today it seemed we came at the right moment.

Britt came and stood next to me running a finger over his cheek, "Wake up little buddy."

He sighed again and then he opened his eyes and that was when I saw them for the first time...he had the deepest clearest baby blue eyes that I had ever seen.

"Wow."

I had seen those eyes and ears before…I could see him clearly in my mind.

"I know...it's almost like he could be mine." Britt said smiling at me. I smiled back even though I wasn't really thinking of her in that moment.

"I know who his father is now." I said almost in a whisper, not wanting to startle Isaac.

"Yea I figured you would once he opened his eyes, but I didn't want to guess just in case I was wrong."

"I was so sure that it was Marco."

"Thank God it's not!"

"Yeah...I totally agree."

"So, should we tell Ian?" She said almost with a bit of worry tinting her voice.

"I think we should...besides for you to adopt Isaac, Ian would have to sign over his rights to him."

"Do you think that he will?"

"I don't know...but it doesn't hurt to find out."

Ian was an unknown for us.

Marco would never sign his rights over, that wasn't even a question.

"Here Britt, take Isaac, I don't want to wait any longer I'm going to go call Ian, right now."

"Okay."

The nurse took Isaac from me and changed his diaper and then set him down on Britt's chest.

I buttoned my shirt back up and smiled down at them.

As I was leaving, I looked back at Britt with Isaac, seeing the joy on her face, I was hoping that this would work out and Ian would sign his rights over.

I didn't want anything to get in the way of the adoption or Britt's joy, even if we weren't good right now, I knew that she loved our son.

When I got out into the hallway and reached into my purse, I realized I had left my phone in the car.

Shit!

I didn't have the keys.

When I looked next to me and saw the coat check...awesome!

I knew that Britt had left the keys in her jacket, so I was able to have them in my hand in no time at all, I knew she wouldn't let me go down alone.

"Go in get the phone...come right back"

I kept chanting to myself over and over.

Sometimes when your mind is in overdrive you do things on autopilot and there were things I didn't want to accidentally do.

The moment that I sat in my car in pursuit of my phone I found myself totally looking for it in places that I knew the phone wouldn't be like beneath the control panel in a hidden compartment that I had never shown anyone.

I took a deep breath and hesitated but then I suddenly felt myself moving without even thinking.

When I pushed the hidden release on the control panel the compartment popped open and there they were lined up in a row...small bags, the powder white as snow, pure as can be.

My hand trembled as I reached in and I ran a finger over one of the bags lightly, eerily similar to the way I had touched my son, I felt the chill run through me as I looked at my supply, I could use it little by little and make it last, I mean there were six that could take me through the end month, at least.

My stomach felt nauseous, my palms were sweating, and my hand was shaking uncontrollably.

I was so entranced by what I had found that I literally jumped when my phone buzzed from the top of the console bringing me screeching back to reality.

Was I really considering this?

What could it hurt?

Could I get away with it?

Hadn't I just done two weeks in rehab?

Where was my resolve?