Chapter 48: Careful (Paramore)
"Where are you, Santana?"
Fuck!
I was freaking out when I lifted the phone and saw that it was Britt calling me. I had spent two weeks learning good ways to cope with addiction and not to let triggers be my downfall and it seemed easy enough, except my entire car is a trigger.
"I'm in my car." I whispered, trying not to reveal how panicked I was.
"I'm on my way down...why are you in there, I thought you understood how I felt about you being alone in the car? You took the keys out of my pocket? This couldn't wait until visiting hours are over? You just passed up time with Izzy to be on the phone, didn't they talk in rehab about priorities, Santana?" I could hear the anger returning to her voice, but I could honestly say that I hadn't done anything wrong. Not yet anyway.
Her voice playing on the car speakers made it seem even more terrifying. Britt had never put her hands on me like that...like Marco or Papi but that sound in her voice reminded me of those moments just before I got my ass beat.
I was shaking at the thought of her making the full transformation into my biggest nightmare.
"M-my phone...I left it, I was going to come right back but I thought it was better to have this talk away from nosy people. I didn't choose well, you're right. I'm sorry, B." I said, feeling the irritation with myself building.
"You have been gone for an hour and now visiting hours are over, I just got on the elevator. See you in a bit."
Had I really been searching for my stash that long?
To me it seemed like everything happened in a flash but when I looked at my phone I saw that it had been over an hour.
Britt was probably assuming the worst as she should be. I had told her this was where I kept my coke and she had expressed her concern with me being there alone. With all her anger in the last 21 days since Isaac was born, this was an act of love and protection. It's what I wanted from her, but I was resenting it at the same time.
It's like she was picking and choosing when to be a wife.
Then I thought of Frankie fucking her on our wedding day and how Carmen would have let me have a go if I asked but I didn't. Not because I didn't want to...we all have temptation but because I love Brittany (present tense) and I was marrying her.
Marriage was Britt's idea and now just a month later, she was regretting it and I felt trapped in it all.
With a heavy sigh, I cleared out the compartment and tucked the baggies in my bra...three on each side...I didn't really intend to take any, I think I just needed a safety net or at least that's what I was telling myself.
Quickly, I readjusted my shirt and then I closed the compartment. Having all those baggies in my bra made me feel dirty but calm as I took a deep breath to calm my nerves before calling Z.
"Hey Santana? What's going on? How's the baby?"
"Hi Z. Everything is good...he's doing better. Listen I have a favor to ask..."
"Sure, what can I do for you?"
"The baby is Ian's."
"Oh...shit. Does he know?"
"Not yet but I need you to feel him out to see if he is interested in meeting Isaac and maybe signing his rights over."
Britt climbed in the driver's seat and I flashed a smile at her. She looked surprised that I was on the phone and not snorting coke off the dashboard. I looked at the dashboard as the memory of me with my nose to the dash popped in my mind. I threw my head back and closed my eyes focusing on what Azimio was saying.
"Wow...um…that's a big favor. Listen I'm going to do you an even better favor...he is right next to me…you talk to him yourself okay?"
Before I could respond I could hear that he was handing the phone over.
I tried to yell out to him.
"Shit..Z…No-"
"Hello?"
"Um...hi Ian...it's Santana."
"Hey...um...how are you, I haven't seen you around."
"I'm okay, took some needed time away from school...so the baby…Isaac is here, he was born on April 7th."
"Oh wow! Well congratulations, is he okay...you weren't due yet, were you?"
"Thanks, he came a month and a half early but thankfully he's a strong little guy."
"Thank God. So, I'm guessing that he's um..."
"Yours, yes. He has your eyes and those ears of yours."
"Oh man, poor kid! This is kind of a shock...if I had known, I would have supported you more during your pregnancy."
Britt was turned towards me and there was jealously in her eyes as we joked with each other, I should not have let this call happen over Bluetooth, for her part though she was quiet which I was grateful for.
"Really?"
"Well yeah, of course, so what do you need? How can I help?"
"Wait, you believe me?"
"Why shouldn't I believe you?"
"Because this is the third time we've ever spoken, and I don't remember having sex with you."
"I remember and that's definitely how you make a baby...it um...is kind of hard to forget, you know?"
"Look, just so you know, I'm not out for money or anything, I have more than enough...I just want to talk to you, maybe you can come and see him with me?"
"Ok and Britt's okay with that?"
I looked over at Britt and she shrugged, there was no way she could step in over Ian.
He had rights too.
"It's fine." She said, her voice hoarse and Ian cleared his throat.
"Oh, hi Britt!" He seemed cheerful and she turned on her Brittany S. Pierce act.
"So, we have a baby together...how fun is that."
"We...yeah...I guess we do. You're like the step mom." He chuckled, and I watched her face pale.
"I'm hoping to be his real mom...since me and Santana are married."
"Oh right, I forgot. I guess yeah, we have a baby together then."
I could tell he was uncomfortable with this situation. Getting him to sign his rights over wasn't going to happen, I had a gut feeling and that of course meant that even if I signed my rights over that didn't mean he would. He could go for full custody if he wanted and the stupid state of Ohio would side with him. Brittany wasn't blood related and they hated gay people.
"So, Ian, would you be willing to come with me after school on Monday?" I asked, and Britt turned to me and muttered.
"I have practice."
"That's okay, Brittany, I can just go with Santana we don't need an audience."
"Hold on a sec, Ian...She's not just an audience, she's my wife."
"I get that but I'm uncomfortable with her being there hovering over us with OUR son."
"Santana signed her rights over to me...right now she's not even allowed to see him without me."
"Well, I guess I'll just have to petition to make sure my rights are accounted for."
Whoa.
He was talking like a lawyer.
I put my hand on Britt's leg and shook my head. "Don't make it worse." I mouthed, and she wiped at her tears before nodding.
"Okay, I'll let the hospital know that you two are coming alone on Monday."
"I knew you'd see reason." He said, "So we'll leave straight from school, Santana?"
"Yeah, I will be waiting for you in the parking lot in the black BMW."
"Great, rest up, Santana. I'm excited to meet the wonder kid. See you Monday."
"See you Monday."
I ended the call and dropped my phone on my lap. When I turned towards Britt her head was resting on the steering wheel and she was silently sobbing.
"Britt?"
"Where are the keys?"
"B...I...um..."
She banged her hands on the steering wheel. "Where are the fucking keys?"
Her rage was understandable, but it made me retreat into myself so quickly, I sat back in my seat and without lifting my gaze from my lap, I handed the keys to Britt.
"B? Please talk to me, I know you're upset about him wanting to be alone with me and Isaac, but you had to expect it a little bit."
Britt had on her serious face and had been looking straight ahead out into the parking lot. Her mind seemed to be a million miles a minute. I sighed and put my hand on her arm, but she shrugged me off.
Fuck.
We were doing so well! I watched her closely just in case she lost her mind and tried to swing. Then, in a move that surprised me, she unbuckled herself and leaned into me.
She took my face in her hands and kissed me.
I moaned into the kiss. She nibbled my lip and then rubbed at the spot on my neck that made me putty.
Fucking Marco.
When she pulled back, her eyes were searching mine, trying to figure something out.
"B?" I whispered, and she kissed me again, softly before continuing to rub that spot.
"Did you find any drugs?"
"Yes?" I hissed.
"Where are they? Give them to me." She let go of me and I suddenly felt cold, I wanted the warmth of her back, so I leaned over the console into the backseat and flipped up the old ashtray.
A part of me had expected this so I calmly pulled out the remaining four baggies that I hadn't checked for earlier because I knew that they were there.
I held them tight in my hand for a second and then took a deep breath, happy that she couldn't see my face. Her fingers brushed that part of my neck and I shivered.
My stitches itched and ached a bit but if I could, I'd find a way to let her fuck me. Right then, that's all I wanted because I felt like she needed me in that way. Underneath her, begging for release...giving her control of my orgasm but instead she was trying to control other things.
I sat back up and handed them to her with a smile on my face and hope in my eyes. She took the baggies and then kissed me again, rubbing at that spot that made me nearly cream myself.
Fuck. I was like fucking Pavlovian dog...Marco had trained me too well.
Lying with the truth always worked in the past.
"Is this what's left in the car?" She asked as she shoved those baggies into her hoodie.
"That I know of, B."
"And you didn't snort any?"
"No."
I was glad she phrased her question that way because my answer was the complete truth, I mean sure I had thought about snorting but knowing that I was just getting her to look at me with a smile again had swayed me away from getting high. She pulled me into a bone crushing hug and I rested my head on her shoulder, inhaling the sweet smell that was so uniquely hers and thanked God that I had decided to stay sober for the moment.
I could feel that she was shaking a little bit and then I heard her first sob.
Guilt rained down on me as she soaked my shirt with her tears, I could tell that she was scared...I just didn't know why.
Was it me?
Of course, it was!
"I was so afraid that I would get down here and you would be high, or you would lie about finding the drugs...thank you for being honest with me."
"Of course, B."
My voice sounded insanely harsh and raspy even to my ears. I swallowed down the bile that was clinging to the back of my throat as I tried to recall all the lessons that I'd learned in rehab.
She looked into my eyes for a moment and then grinned a little before turning the car on. I felt guilty about the six baggies of coke shoved in my bra and knew it was too late to just say, ta-da...I found six more!
But I should have found a way...for Isaac, I should have found a way.
As she finally pulled out onto the road, I could see that her small grin had turned into a megawatt smile.
How long would that last?
"Now that you gave me what was left, I feel like I can trust you to drive with Ian on Monday by yourself."
"Thanks B, are you mad that he was being territorial?"
"No, it makes sense. If you let me keep being a mom to Izzy, that's all that matters."
"That's big of you, B."
"I guess, that compared to you being tempted and not doing anything, seems so small. I'm just so proud of you."
"Yea me too."
I turned my head towards the window and closed my eyes trying to ignore the rolling in the pit of guilt in my stomach but then I relaxed a little when I felt her hand caressing my leg.
A caress that I didn't deserve.
I put my hand on hers and rubbed it before pulling it back, I didn't want to push it. The cravings were washing over me, and I just wanted to get rid of what I had before I fucked it all up. Feeling jittery, I readjusted my seat and turned on the seat warmers. When I looked back up, I noticed that we had passed the turn towards home.
Shit!
This was not the time for detours!
"B? where are we going?"
"Quinn called to invite us out to dinner with her and Rachel at Breadstix. You haven't seen her since the day Izzy was born, so I figured you'd want to see her."
"Oh...ok." Now, of all times this second is when she chose to recognize my need to see Quinn as much as possible? Was she fucking with me?
The nausea increased tenfold, just knowing what I was walking in to. Q was the last person that I needed to be around while I was carrying my stash in my fucking bra. She always knows when I'm hiding something, she once said that I'm her favorite kind of puzzle because I'm different each time she sees me.
"Are you feeling alright Ana? You don't seem too excited, this is your favorite place in the whole world, with your favorite people in the world!"
"It is, I'm just tired B. Remember, I just left the hospital this morning...I haven't showered or gotten a chance to relax at home yet."
"Oh...right."
She was disappointed and right now I didn't want to risk it. Not after Ian being rude to her or me blatantly lying to her.
"But I'm okay though, I'm going to be achy either way. At least I get all of tomorrow to rest before Monday."
"Are you sure? We could just go home, cuddle and make out..."
I should have taken that option but I'm too fucking stubborn...I get on my own fucking nerves sometimes.
"It's okay, B. You know how Q is when you cancel on her." She starts fucking sniffing around, I thought. "She hates it more than anything...her dad ditched her a lot as a kid."
"Um okay...it's still too soon to cuddle and stuff anyway, I guess."
"No B, cuddles are definitely allowed. I'll heal better the more you cuddle me."
"You got it baby." She threw her arm over me as we made our way inside Breadstix.
I glanced at my car as we made our way inside and felt anxious when I saw that red beetle parked next to it.
The chance of Quinn blowing up my whole life, were high.
We slid into the booth across from the girls with me sitting on the outside across from Q, I felt trapped the other way. I made it seem casual when I had B sit first, because I didn't need to get Quinn started on some bloodhound mission before we even ate.
Britt smiled at me as I scooted next to her and then she scratched her fingers over that spot on my neck before taking my hand in hers.
In the past, I'd sit on the inside of the booth and trail my fingers up her thigh and finger fuck her while she tried to order. Those were the good old days...now though she just played with my fingers in her lap. It was innocent and probably the most physical contact we'd had in a while, so I let her do what she wanted.
Quinn was smiling and blushing at us both...good...Q was in a good mood; good mood equals less suspicious.
"So, you two made up?" Rachel smiled and threw her arm around Q.
"We are definitely making progress, especially Ana. Tonight, she gave me the rest of her stash."
Shit!
Quinn raised her eyebrow and looked from Britt to me. She kicked me under the table and nodded towards the bathroom and I shook my head. Leave it to Q to know me better than Britt. Most people would think that was impossible, but I knew better. She wanted to get me alone, but I wasn't going to be taking the bait.
Not tonight.
She rolled her eyes and turned back towards Britt.
"So just like that, she handed it over to you B? No hesitation?"
I could hear the skepticism in her voice. She was officially on my trail...now I had to throw my guard up.
"Here we go." I muttered and glared at Quinn.
"Well not just like that, you see..." Shut up Brittany...shut up, shut up! "She was in the car alone for like an hour and when I got in and asked if she found anything she immediately dug it out from someplace that I had missed before and handed me all four bags."
Fuck me!
I could see Quinn fucking calculating my every move. She wasn't even being discreet about it. I could see that she really wanted me alone...she wanted to beat the truth out of me if she had to.
"Why was San in the car and you weren't, we agreed that she shouldn't be alone right now especially in that car, didn't we?"
And there is the accusing tone. Everything would be downhill from here...great!
"She ran down to get her phone to call Ian to tell him that he's the dad. She forgot her phone in the car, so she took my keys from my jacket and went to get it. She says she wanted privacy which I get. I was holding Izzy for a really long time and after a while I noticed how long she had been gone, so I rushed down."
"And I was doing just what I said I was doing...wasn't I?" I asked B and she nodded.
"Yeah...but if you were talking to him for an hour, why did it seem like you'd just called him?"
"Z wanted to chat. It's no big deal."
"Well good job San! I'm proud of you." Quinn said, while staring me down.
And there it was the look that said she had her first puzzle piece.
I smiled and looked down at the menu.
"Um...thanks...Q, let's just order okay? Enough talk of bad habits...I'm hungry."
After the waitress came over and brought us fresh bread sticks, I bit into one and groaned.
For just a moment, the three of them looked at me with humor in their eyes and I winked.
The waitress was a hoot and distracted the table while we ordered our food. I thought we were in the clear when she walked away when the conversation began to pick up and I was having a good time because it hadn't steered back to drugs, which was exactly how things needed to stay.
Even if we weren't talking about the drugs, Quinn was still staring at me, letting me know that she wasn't going to let this go so easily but I ignored her and paid complete attention to Rachel who had gotten into NYADA. I was so excited for her and wished she had brought those cookies to celebrate. Just because I wasn't pregnant anymore didn't mean I wasn't still craving those bits of heaven. I had learned that giving Rachel all my focus...when I'm uncomfortable allows her star to shine bright enough for me to hide behind.
Quinn saw right through me and the moment there was the smallest lull in conversation she pounced.
"Hey San?"
I looked up from my warm bread stick and up at Q and could see her searching my eyes. The baggies were itchy, and I had readjusted my top a few times now. I was aware of it, but I was hoping that no one else was paying attention, for just a moment, I forgot who was right across from me.
"Yea Q?"
"Why did you need to call Ian at that moment?" she said after a beat. "What was so important about Ian knowing at that second?"
"He's Isaac's father, she wanted to get telling him out of the way." Britt blurted out. "She wants him to see Isaac, so she is taking him on Monday."
Was nothing private anymore?
Could I not keep anything just between me and Britt...did she have to divulge every fucking detail for Quinn to over analyze? It was raining puzzle pieces in Breadstix and she was catching everyone.
Fuck my life!
I was tired of being the center of attention again, so I decided to try and hide behind star-shine over there. So, I looked over at her and cleared my throat. Rachel's face was so bright when she looked back at me.
How was it that I missed her during all this?
"So, Rachel...how was regionals?" I said loudly with a smile. I didn't want Quinn to be able to say shit to me.
"Oh, it was amazing. We won, of course, since I was the one to stand in for you...that was inevitable."
"Ummm...yea...ok...so um how did you like singing Amy Winehouse?"
"While I'm sure my performance was flawless as usual, I'm certain the level of rasp needed was something only you or Quinn could attain."
"Why Rachel Barbra Berry, I do believe that you just complemented two-thirds of the unholy trinity. I think that you should complement my wife for being there the whole time I was in labor, just for good measure!"
"Right! Brittany, you must have been amazing...did you get to cut the umbilical cord?"
"Yes...but Izzy is still a Mami's boy. Each time Ana visits he gets insanely better." She looked at me then and gave me a sad smile. "Today was the day he needed it the most, the nurses say he's developing a cold."
"Shit, I'm sorry, B. What about tomorrow?"
"We can't visit tomorrow, it's a cleaning day...they sanitize the NICU and clean all the incubators. No outside germs allowed."
"Fuck." I grumbled, "That sucks."
Despite, learning that my need to make that call killed my chance of helping Isaac's vitals. I tried to enjoy myself still, Britt was now rubbing at my thigh and I felt like I was on cloud 900.
I was so happy when our food got to the table and the talking had stopped for a while. No more of anything to make me feel like checking myself back into rehab and staying until this addiction was officially out of my system.
Anxiously, I tried to enjoy my food, but I kept catching Q watching me and it was making me paranoid. As badly as I wanted to enjoy the amazing cheesy, pesto goodness, I couldn't with Q and her fucking laser eyes.
I was halfway through my food when the conversation was picking back up as Rachel and Britt were talking about New York and Broadway. I was thinking about this whole Ian and Isaac while focusing on savoring my food, while ignoring the eyes boring into my soul when I felt liquid splash all over me.
"Shit...San, I'm so sorry!" Quinn said as she picked up the toppled cup that had been formerly sitting in front of her and not this close to me. Britt began to pat me down with her napkin.
"You did that fucking shit on purpose!"
My voice was low and angry as I glared at my supposed best friend. She quirked her fucking eyebrow, looking me straight in the eyes and didn't deny it.
Britt began to wipe the table in front of me causing more water to drip on my lap. Close to the covering of my stitches and I jumped up from the table.
"Shit...B...my stitches." I snapped and froze, because not once in all of this had I really snapped at her...only when she mentioned Frankie...otherwise I had been a submissive little twit. Now though, I was in a blind rage.
"You should clean that up, San." Quinn said with a smirk on her face.
I looked down and saw that my shirt was becoming transparent and I was wearing a lace bra.
"Shit!"
"Do you want me to come?" Britt offered but I just took her jacket instead. Turning away from the table and rushing off to the bathroom as fast as my body would allow.
I knew what Quinn was doing and I wasn't going to fall for it. It was only a matter of time before she was going to be right behind me, so I just had to hurry up in the bathroom and get through the rest of this fucking meal.
At first, I was going to just dump the baggies but when I got in the stall and took off my button up shirt, that I was wearing over a tank top, used the dry parts of the button up to dry off my body...I looked at the baggies and knew that I couldn't resist.
21 days sober gone just like that as I dipped a nail into the bag and sniffed. I let the high hit me and then took just a little more. After that I felt invincible as I readjusted the bags and pulled my tank top back on.
I stood in front of the sink and splashed water on my face, taking a moment to examine my eyes...happy they were still clear. My head was spinning a bit since my system had been sober for almost a month, I had just taken enough to take the edge off. It was barely a line, but it had been enough for me to fly under the radar hopefully.
My tank top, thankfully, was only slightly damp, nothing too extreme. Patting my chest once more to make sure the baggies weren't visible, I slipped on B's jacket just as the door swung open. I went about zipping Britt's jacket up before working on my lip gloss.
I knew that the interrogation was coming and that coincided with the blow that was hitting my system and instead of flipping out, I took a deep breath and focused on the hazel eyes, staring me down in the mirror.
Be cool, Lopez.
"What's with you, Q? What were you trying to pull with that shit?" I said as calmly as possible as I smacked my lips.
"I know you Santana...I know that you never give in that easy, with anything. I also know that you like to hide shit, so tell me where's the rest of the stash?"
"I gave it to B."
"Bullshit."
"You're supposed to be my best friend, why the fuck don't you believe me?"
"You're deflecting. Now, I definitely know you have more...and you have a new tell, this time I'm not telling you what it is."
"Look Q, I don't need this shit right now. I am tired, it's been a long day."
The door swung open and in came Britt and Rachel.
Great, it was a party now!
I was nervous about seeing Britt, this could go one of two ways...I just had to play my cards right. There were drugs zipping around in my head and when she looked at me, I immediately felt guilty...but I didn't show it.
"What's going on in here?" she looked between me and Q...arms crossed over our chests with scowls on our faces.
"My best friend is doubting me and thinks that I lied to you."
"About what?"
"She thinks that I have more cocaine."
I was playing the victim card hard with a pout and sad eyes. Britt looked upset and then scrunched up her face, I was hoping she'd snap at Q but then she glared at me with those cold eyes.
Could she see it in my eyes like I could always see the malice in Marco's?
"Well do you have more?"
Shit!
Now I had to lie with the truth.
This was becoming way too common for my liking.
"I gave you everything that I knew of that was still in the car!" I said trying to word things correctly.
Britt didn't catch on, but I know that Quinn did. She glared at me but didn't say a word because Britt was still talking.
"Show me."
It was nearly a whisper, but B knew that I heard her. There was a chill there, but I just nodded and willed the drugs to keep me calm.
"Okay. I shouldn't have to prove anything to you though, I just got out of rehab!"
"Is it possible there is more coke in the car?"
I wanted to lie but I just shrugged.
"I don't know, I swear!" Motherfucker...she nodded, and the anger was back.
Fuck, I was on a roll tonight.
I grabbed my wet shirt and then followed Britt and Quinn out to the car. Rachel was behind us in a flash. They stood around the car and I realized that they were ready to do this out in the open, but I didn't need other people seeing this.
"Can we not do this here in the parking lot?" I asked trying to buy some time.
"Where then?" B asked.
"A garage? I don't like being in the open like this...you know how people talk."
"If you have nothing to hide then you shouldn't have a problem with what people see." Quinn spat.
"Fuck...fine. I just don't want these Lima losers in my business okay. This is an expensive car and I don't want people seeing my hiding spots. Besides in order to show you everything I have to sit on the ground and I don't want to sit on this dirty fucking ground."
"Okay...then let's go to your parents' house then, Ana. Your mom is at a conference, so you won't have to answer to her."
"Okay."
Me and Britt climbed into my car and Quinn followed us in her bug. I was angry beyond measure but more than anything I felt terrified, I felt like a pig being led to slaughter. Plus, I needed another hit but there was no chance of that...I was being watched.
Had I really gotten everything?
What if I forgot something?
"If it makes you feel any better, I believe you."
No Brittany that doesn't make me feel better! It makes me feel like the most horrible wife in the world for lying to you and being sort of high while doing it!
"Thanks B that means a lot to me."
Yea...a lot of pain!
We pulled straight into the garage and pulled up alongside of my father's old BMW.
I looked at it and felt tears spring to my eyes.
Papi.
God, I missed him.
Britt rubbed my leg trying to comfort me, for someone who didn't want me to touch them, she was touching me an awful lot tonight.
I held on to the feeling of her touch as I slowly climbed from the car. My stomach ached from the stitches that remained, and I wished that I had just listened to Britt and gone home instead of out to dinner. I should not have to deal with this shit right now.
When I was out of the car, I turned on the overhead light and then closed the garage once Quinn had pulled in beside my car.
She was glaring as she talked to Rachel. I could tell that Rachel was trying to talk her down, but it wasn't working, I imagine the only person that could calm her down these days was my sister...who would be going right along with her in this endeavor.
I stood off to the side as she climbed from the car and slammed her door, ready to show down. Britt was standing in the process of putting the top down and opening all the doors.
This must have been how she'd done it before because she looked like this was old hat.
"Okay San here we are, now go ahead, show us every place you keep your shit" Quinn barked out once Britt was done.
I sighed and held my hand out for the keys. Britt scrunched up her face because she'd been oddly protective of my keys. Did she really think that I'd do anything right in front of her?
"Everything is under lock and key, B." I said and then she handed them to me and then stepped back watching my every move.
She was curious, and I didn't blame her. Marco didn't even know all my hiding spots, I had modeled them after Papi's so the only other person that knew about my hiding places was dead.
I decided to start as far away from any possible baggies, so I went to the back of the car and popped open the trunk.
My heart was racing as I leaned into the trunk and set to work.
I could feel them standing over my shoulder, as I pulled out my all-weather mat and dropped it to the floor. With a grunt, I lifted the battery box to reveal a small compartment.
"This is where I kept my stash hidden from Marco, he was always stealing from me."
I flipped it open and stepped back so that they could peer in. The last time I had opened this compartment had been before my overdose...before my father died.
"Nothing." I muttered before putting everything back together, Britt actually helped me put the mat back and I leaned up and kissed her face.
She smiled sadly and rubbed at my neck...fuck I was putty.
I had been certain that there was nothing in that place and pretty certain about the next one but after that, I'd be screwed.
I closed the trunk and then used it as leverage to slowly sit down on the ground since my stitches were tugging at my skin. This was definitely not something I should be doing. I should be in bed curled up.
Feeling like my hit was wearing off I cleared my throat and took a moment to take a breath. I rested my head on the car and took slow breaths. I felt the tremor in my hands, I needed more coke...why had it only lasted for an hour?
This was bad, and I knew it.
I loosened a screw and then gripped the back of my license plate, wiggling it until it popped off. I heard a couple of gasps from behind me but kept on with my search.
You ain't seen nothing yet, ladies.
I knocked on my emergency key compartment three times, this was all Papi and it was supposed to be for emergencies.
After three knocks and a push it popped open.
I sat back a little and held it open, so they could see that it was just my spare key and nothing else.
"Nothing" I muttered again.
Feeling like I should just stop here, I forced myself to keep going, to keep proving that there was nothing left in the car.
Even if I knew that was a lie. I closed the compartment with the same series of knocks and then pushed the plate back on and tightened the screw.
"Feel free to use that trick if you ever lose the key, B." I said to her and she nodded then reached a hand out to me. I let out a heavy sigh and took Britt's hand, allowing her to help me up.
She smiled at me and gripped both my arms and hoisted me up like I weighed nothing at all.
After I was back on my feet, I noticed that Britt was looking at me in awe. "When did you have time for all of this?"
I pointed at Papi's car.
"Same as that car, Papi was always prepared and he wanted me to be as well."
Quinn though looked skeptical as all hell, but I rolled my eyes at her and then walked to the side door and climbed into the back seat.
Hesitantly, I reached under the front passenger seat and pulled down the hidden release. A flap opened down, and I reached in, after a good wiggle, I pulled out a miniature mahogany lock-box (a family heirloom) that was firmly secured to the bottom of the seat.
Right now, I was regretting all the custom details that Papi put in because they were making me look very sneaky now especially to Quinn.
I sat there for a long moment with trembling hands...this was the one place where I was unsure of...this was where I put things when I had a lot of it left over...but I just couldn't remember the last time that I had put shit inside of it.
Sometimes my mind escapes me, and this was one of those moments. Coming down from the coke probably had something to do with that. I grabbed my keys and looked for the one that had an S on it.
Taking a moment to look at my wife, I mouthed an apology before singling out the key.
B had asked about this key before and I told her it was the key to my heart.
Dumb move.
When I found the key, I could see recognition all over her face and then there was hurt in her eyes because now...she would think that I meant my heart was cocaine when really...the person who gave me the box was my heart.
It had been honest but now...I wished I had just not given her an explanation at all. Trying to just get through this, I nervously smiled a little before putting the key into a small hole and opening the box.
Shit!
Inside of the box laid the glass mirror that I used sometimes and my old rolled up fifty-dollar bill.
There was a baggie and coke residue all over the place on the inside.
Enough for at least two lines...maybe six.
Normally, I would have cleaned that up, but I must have been in a rush the last time that I had the box out.
I looked up at Britt and she had tears in her eyes, my hands were trembling so bad. It was one thing for her to know what I did but it was another to see the evidence of it.
Resigned to the fact that I was fucked, I tried handing her the lock box, but she shook her head and tucked her hands in her pockets.
She wanted nothing to do with it.
I didn't blame her.
"Give it here."
Quinn said holding her hands out.
I handed it to her and just as she was about to lift it above her head and smash it to the ground, I held a hand up. That was a step too far.
"Whoa...wait! That lock box is handmade Q...it has been in my family for a century and is probably worth more than your whole fucking bug. It was my Abuelo's. Please...don't break it."
I was pleading with her and could feel the tears in my eyes as I looked at her. This was my truth. She looked at me hard to see if I was lying but she knew that this was the truth, I didn't have much left over from my Abuelo whom I adored, and she knew that this thing meant a lot to me. She may not approve of what I was doing with a family heirloom that expensive, but she nodded in understanding.
She took the box and put it in the back seat of her car.
"Then I will clean it out and give it back to B."
"Okay just promise me that won't break it."
"I keep my word San, unlike some people."
I ignored that jab at me and climbed further into the back seat and opened the ashtray like I did earlier for B.
This needed to end so I was going to keep moving.
"Nothing." I climbed out of the backseat and shut the door. I looked up at B but could see that she was almost as nervous as I was. I ran my hand through my hair a few dozen times and then I climbed into the passenger seat and opened my last compartment that I was willing to show them.
The biggest place had the mother lode and I wasn't ready for that kind of realness. Not yet.
So, I opened the compartment that I had cleared out earlier.
"Nothing"
Britt let out a sigh, but she didn't look relieved one bit. Still, she turned to Q and used this as an opportunity to snap at her.
"This is why I blocked you from the hospital. You only trigger her. Look at how she's shaking. Are you satisfied now, Q?" she asked.
It was gut punch.
Britt had restricted my visitor list?
Is that why Q never came back to the hospital?
My heart sank.
"I guess so...are you mad at me, San?"
"No." I said almost truthfully.
"I still feel like you're hiding something, but I won't keep harassing you." She looked defeated and annoyed because she was missing a few puzzle pieces.
One in my bra and one in the hidden compartment in my car door.
Of course, like a good best friend she was right that I was hiding something, but I wasn't going to tell her that she knew me better than I had realized, not in front of Britt.
I smiled at her and just flagged her off but not B.
Britt whipped around and got almost completely in Quinn's face.
"I need you to drop this. If my wife says she is telling the truth, then you need to believe her."
I felt a pang of guilt when I saw Quinn shooting me sideways glances. She was just looking out for me and I didn't deserve her, but she wasn't going to go against B.
Not right now.
I was tired of it all and just wanted to go to bed, plus, now that the blow had almost completely worn off, I was feeling incredibly guilty and I was so fucking sore. I sat sideways in the passenger seat and watched the whole thing play out for a few seconds but then it hurt to watch, and I knew that it need to end.
Quinn didn't deserve to be attacked.
"Okay B, I'm sorry." Q said as she shot me one last look. I could feel my stomach aching and decided that this had to stop now, Quinn had, had enough and so had I.
"Baby can we go home please? I'm hurting. I'm not supposed to be out like this for so long. The stitches..."
"Shit, Ana I totally forgot!"
"It's okay...goodnight Quinn, goodnight Rachel." I said as I turned forward and pulled the door shut before putting the top back up.
I watched Britt standing at Quinn's car window obviously needing to say one last thing and I wish that my top had been closed before I heard it, unfortunately it hadn't.
"I hope that you're proud of yourself Quinn...you ruined a perfectly goodnight. Santana is getting better, I just know it!"