Chapter 49: Drugs or Me (Jimmy Eat World)

As Quinn pulled away, I put a hand on Britt's leg to get her attention.

"Baby, can we just stay here tonight?" I asked, even though I'd avoided this house since Marco had raped me back in November.

She turned towards me, looking just as weary as I felt.

"I don't think that's a good idea, Ana, knowing you and Marco...there's probably coke stashed all over this house."

"Don't you trust me, B?" I asked, wondering where my great defender from a few moments ago was.

"Not really, baby but I want to, and I can do that better if we are at the apartment that I know is clean."

I nodded, she had a point.

"Okay, B."

She kept her hands on the steering wheel and put on dance music as we drove back home.

I turned as much as I could towards the window and watched rain drops race down the glass as I hugged myself. The high was gone and now I was feeling all the remorse because I had worked so hard for the last 14 days. I'd done all the work and now I was back to square one.

Britt seemed like she was in her own world just as much as I was, only I'm sure she wasn't trying to decide what she was going to do with the drugs.

When we finally got home it was after midnight and Britt had an early morning practice with the Cheerios. There was a competition this Friday and they were taking every opportunity to practice. I was hoping that she'd just leave me to sleep now that I had proved myself.

The apartment still felt like it belonged to someone else, but I didn't care. I kicked off my shoes and took off B's jacket before walking straight to the bedroom.

I was taking a change of clothes out of the dresser when Britt cleared her throat. I looked over to her and could see that she had her purse.

And then I remembered...and then I was craving again.

How did I forget about those?

"Come on, before you relax we have to do this..." Britt said as she stood at the bathroom door. I walked over to her and she pointed into the small space. "Come on." She said again. I watched as she lifted the toilet seat, but I didn't move. She took the baggies out of her purse, the ones that I had given her from the ashtray and handed them to me.

"What do you want...want me to do with these?" I asked, and she gestured to the toilet.

I looked up at her and raised my eyebrows, but she just nodded.

"I want you to dump them."

"Can't you just do this, B?"

I tried handing them back, but she shook her head.

"No, I want to see you get rid of them yourself."

I ran a trembling hand over my face as I felt a cold sweat coming on. My hands were shaking almost uncontrollably as I poured the first bag into the water and then my whole body started to follow suit. Tremors all over as I poured in the second and third, I was sick to my stomach by the fourth one.

Finished, I was fighting back the sobs that were trying to break free as I looked up at B. I had done what she had asked of me and smiled weakly, but her face was still grim as she looked at the motions that I had just gone through...and not for the first time, she was really starting to see how close I was to becoming a full-blown fucking junkie.

She bared her teeth in disgust and looked back at the toilet before looking into my eyes.

"Flush it!" Britt barked at me. I was so close to getting her to trust me, so I nodded but I couldn't get my body to move.

I wanted to make this count, so I reached past her and put my shaky, sweaty hand on the lever but then I found that couldn't move any further. Seeing my distress, Britt leaned next to my ear and whispered softly,

"Do it for Isaac."

I took a deep breath and pushed the lever all the way down and slowly released it as I watched the cloudy water disappear. There was a sob that broke out from my throat, but I quickly bit down on my lips until I started to draw blood.

Be cool, Lopez.

We stood there listening to the sound of the toilet flushing and I just couldn't look away from my shaking hands.

The tremors were impossible to hide but I was still trying to will them to stop shaking so much. I was really scaring myself.

How addicted was I?

All through rehab, I had insisted that I only used when I was stressed but was starting to think that was a lie.

Britt lifted my chin, pushing the hair from my eyes, she smiled slightly and then rubbed at my neck.

"Good job baby! Are you ready for bed?" she sounded exhausted and weighed down. It had been a long day for her too, she'd picked me up right from a day full of Saturday Cheerio drills and still went through therapy on top of everything else. Suddenly, I felt guilty for what I was about to do but then my hands shook more, and I realized that I needed this.

It wasn't just a want anymore...I felt like I was going to die without it.

"A-actually I-I need to shower. Ok?"

Why the hell was I stuttering?

Be cool...shit!

Was it about what I just did or was it what I was about to do?

Either way, I needed to get it together and fast.

"Okay, well, let me get in really quick so that I can get to sleep, I have Cheerios at seven." she said shrugging.

"We could shower together." I said to her, but she shook her head.

"I'll be quick...can you pull out clothes for me?"

"Okay."

She turned on the shower and then began to strip down.

I felt a pulse between my legs...it had been way too long, and I was craving her. She couldn't have sex with me for another three weeks but there was a lot that I could be doing to her. I wanted to taste her and hear her scream my name.

"Ana, are you creeping on me?" B chuckled as she looked up and caught me staring.

"No! You're my wife, I can look at you if I want." I said denying my creeper stares.

"Well the show's over, it's late and I feel gross."

She closed the shower curtain, but I didn't dare make any sudden moves. Instead, I took deep breaths as I went into the room, leaving the bathroom door open so she could see me if she needed to. The accountability was a rehab coping mechanism. So, I leaned on what I'd learned.

I took her pajamas out and laid them out on the bed, then I grabbed a giant shirt for myself and some fuzzy socks. When I got back to the bathroom, she was already toweling herself dry.

The shower had relaxed her as she smirked at me, some toothpaste on her face from the rush job she'd done in the shower. I reached up and wiped it with my thumb. She brought her hand to my wrist and held my hand there.

Her eyes were locked on my face.

"I promised you cuddles, don't be too long, okay?"

"I won't."

She dropped my hand and leaned in to kiss me, I kissed her back and her arms wrapped around me as she deepened the kiss. She tasted minty fresh and the little whimpers when I nipped at her, turned me on even more.

"Horny, baby?"

"I miss the taste of you, B." I admitted.

"Maybe...if you're quick, I'll let you put me to sleep."

"Promise?"

"Yup. See you soon, baby."

"Okay, Britt Britt."

Even though I left the bathroom door open for her during her shower, when she left, I slowly and quietly closed the door before locking it, hoping that she hadn't heard the lock click.

I waited a beat to see if B would come knocking but nothing happened.

So far, so good.

I began to undress, tossing each piece of clothing into the hamper before finally standing in front of the mirror in nothing but my lace bra. My eyes looked a little crazed as I took off the last barrier between me and my next high.

There they were, all six bags just waiting for me. I opened the baggie that I had used earlier and dipped in my nail, pulling out a little mountain and before I could talk myself out of it, I brought it to my nostril and inhaled, then I did it again, this time the mountain was a little bigger.

I pushed through the burn and closed the bag up before I put it next to the others. My nose ached but I just sniffed a few times and hoped to God that my nose wasn't going to start bleeding before I got in the shower. This is what I had planned for, during the whole ride home.

By the time we stepped into the apartment, I knew exactly what I would do with the drugs and while taking just another tiny hit wasn't a part of the plan, I was suddenly feeling better.

Three hits in, I felt bold.

Feeling like the worst was over, I slowly opened the cabinet under the sink and put my hand up towards the back wall.

This little ledge had been where I thought about hiding my drugs when I couldn't make it down to the car.

I sighed when I felt the velvet against my fingers.

There on top of the shelf was a ring box...Britt's ring box. I know, I know...I'm horrible...but it was the perfect size to hide things in.

Wiping at my nose once again, I sniffed and then placed the box on the counter top. I stood back up and caught a glance of my crazy eyes in the mirror.

There was no hiding my high now.

I pulled open the ring box and put five of the baggies inside of it before squatting down again and securing the box on the ledge.

When I was done, I pulled out my toothbrush and covered it with toothpaste, running it under the tap for a second before shoving it in my mouth.

Always have an alibi, is what Carmen used to tell me and right then, I was grateful for that advice because too much time had passed since I had come in here and there was no shower going, Britt would be suspicious.

How right I was!

I was spitting out the last of the toothpaste when there was a knock on the door and I froze.

"Ana? Why is the door locked?"

Britt jiggled the handle of the door and I swallowed back my fear.

Be fucking cool, Lopez.

At the last second, I saw the last bag on the counter and tucked it in the messy bun I'd created on top of my head.

I looked in the mirror and could see dried blood on my upper lip. I rinsed my mouth and wiped my face while she was still jiggling the door knob. I made sure the cabinet was closed and then unlocked the door.

I stepped back just in time for her to swing the door open as I finished rinsing my toothbrush before putting it back in the holder. I looked up at Britt and smiled nervously, her look was harsh at first but then she saw what I was doing, and her attitude deflated.

Please don't ask if I'm high...please?

"Sorry, B, dumb habit...the nurses were always opening the door while I showered." I said with the least amount of nerves that I could muster.

"Why aren't you in the shower yet, I was going to start without you."

"I was brushing my teeth and then I was looking at the stitches." I said gesturing towards the wound.

She looked down and then back up into my eyes. I hadn't looked at them again, but I was pretty sure my pupils were close to blown but usually when they are bloodshot, they itch, and they weren't doing that yet.

Please don't ask. I silently begged.

"Are you okay, B?"

"Yea...just don't lock the door okay...it makes me nervous."

"Sorry B."

She wrapped her hands around my waist and pulled me against her body but stood far enough away that she didn't hit my stomach as she pressed her lips to mine, I felt another jolt right to my core and couldn't help but moan.

"Mmmmm, B. I want you so bad."

"It's late, Ana. I guess we can only cuddle tonight." she said pulling back.

"That's okay, B, when you are back from practice, I'll rub you down."

"I'm looking forward to that."

I waited for the door to close signaling that Britt had finally gone off to bed before I climbed in the shower and pulled the curtain closed.

As I stood under the water, I remembered what sat in my hair and quickly grabbed the bag. I weighed the decision, it was late she wouldn't even know. I could fall into bed and just enjoy my high while drifting off.

Besides, I might as well finish the thing.

My plan was flawless or, so I thought.

I stepped back from under the water cracked the bag open and my shaky hands were suddenly steady as I put it to my nose, I blocked my nostril and I took a deep inhale and immediately felt the rush as the powder went up my nose all at once.

My nose burned again so I rubbed at it until it stopped, I felt like I was floating and chuckled to myself.

"Ana?"

I had sucked up what I could from the bag with a huge breath in, closed the bag in my hand and then stood under the water hopefully rinsing any residue away.

What was going on?

"Yes baby?" I said as I stepped back from under the water.

I was so spaced out but right now, I really needed to focus.

"The hospital just called." she whispered, her voice sounded scratchy now...like she was holding back tears.

My body was vibrating, and my heart was racing but I had to be normal...I had just done a lot of coke almost five lines worth, maybe more. I felt insanely guilty as I rubbed at my itchy eyes. If we had to go to the hospital in a rush, there was no way to hide that I was higher than I had been in ages.

Fuck!

I poked my head out and she was just sitting there on the toilet staring down at her phone.

Her shoulders were shaking...she hadn't been close to tears...she was already sobbing as she bit into her palm.

I started to panic, turning off the water, I pulled the curtain all the way open and stood there dripping wet.

"What did they say? Is Isaac okay? What's wrong, B?"

Then she looked at me, her face red and her eyes angry.

"Do you think I'm stupid Santana?"

"What? Of course not!"

"I just saw you...I came in and peaked in and I saw you snorting straight from that baggie."

"B...I-I-"

"I knew that you were up to something...I knew that you were lying but I wanted you to come to me with the truth. All those chances you had to tell the truth tonight and you didn't. Not once!"

Fuck.

She had been lying about the hospital calling...had she even ever left the bathroom in the first place? Had she seen that I was high before I got in the shower?

She stood up and looked in my eyes and then held out her hand, while I stood inside the tub soaked and shaking.

"Give me the bag." she said as she looked at me with an angry stare.

I hesitated because there was still some left in there and I really didn't want her to flush it but then I saw that look in her eyes...that vacant look and I couldn't deny her. I lifted my hand up and let the baggie fall into her hand.

Britt stood there for a second just looking at the crumpled bag and then back at me. She took the bag and poured what was left of it into the palm of her hand...she looked up at me with bloodshot eyes and a sad smile.

"Me or this." I looked from her eyes to her hand and back again, "God! Is it that hard for you? Are you that far gone? How did it get this bad?"

"I don't know, B. I just...I'm sorry."

"This or your son." My heart dropped, and I shook my head.

"Fuck...Santana, I was rooting for you but if you need it so badly, just finish it!"

This was a test, it had to be.

I shook my head not wanting her to see me like this.

"No, B. I'm done." I whispered. "I choose you. I choose Isaac."

She stood even closer and put her hand in my face just under my nose.

"You say that now but we both know that's not true. This isn't something you can choose not to do anymore. So just go ahead and finish this now or I want a divorce...I'd rather you just do it in my face, so I don't think you're looking for it when we go to bed. Do it!" she growled.

She sounded desperate and unsure, but she was persisting. Her eyes were digging holes into the side of my face, but I couldn't cry. This wasn't the time for tears.

"B? Please? Don't make me?"

I was begging...I was torn.

"Fucking do it!"

I looked up at her for a moment. "B...I don't need it." She glared so I put my finger to my nostril again and dipped my head to her hand.

She was watching me as I finished every bit, even going back to get anything that I had missed. Completely blitzed, I lifted my head up and looked in her eyes as the rush hit me.

"Fuck." I said throwing my head back and allowing the drugs to do what they did best. God why did I need this so badly? I was high rolling...I hadn't taken that much since my overdose.

Maybe my tolerance had gotten higher because I stood steady on my feet. When I looked at my wife, I could see that the tears had dried and she looked determined.

Britt still had that sad smile on her face as she wiped my nose clean and then leaned in and kissed my lips.

"No more lies." she said with a deep conviction in her eyes...she meant that with her whole heart...I didn't think I could stick to that, but I would try...for B, I would always try. I looked away from her and reached for a towel as I stepped from the shower, but I froze when I felt her hand wrap around my formerly broken wrist, a wrist that still ached from time to time.

When I turned to look up into her eyes, there was fire there.

"Where's the rest?" she asked with a sad voice.

She was probably remembering how adamant Quinn was earlier about me lying. I was so screwed. She hated to be mean to people and I had sat there and allowed it to happen so now she was being mean to me.

Turnabout is fair play.

I stood there feeling as high as a kite in a tornado and horny as fuck, my towel was on the floor as she looked over my naked body before looking me in the eyes again.

She looked at me with fire in her eyes and I thought it was hot because of course I would.

This is what coke did to me.

She could now see what Marco and countless others had seen. I brought new meaning to the words coke whore. I licked my lips and leaned in, trying to get another one of those sweet lady kisses but she jerked back before she shoved me against the wall and leaned into me.

"I asked you nicely, stop fucking around, where is the rest?" She purred, I felt her caress my thigh close to the wetness that was pooling, and I leaned my head onto her shoulder.

"B...mmm, I like it when you take charge. So, fucking sexy." I purred while she was trying to find out what I was hiding by any means necessary, but she had underestimated how fucking horny I could be.

"You want me, baby?" or maybe she knew exactly what she was doing...

"Yessss!" I hissed out.

"Tell me where it is..." she said as she grazed her fingers over my hips and up across my breasts squeezing them. I threw my head back and let myself lean fully into the sensation of her touch. "Get it for me baby and I'll let you taste me."

"Oh God...you taste so good...please let me have you." I begged.

"Get me what I asked for and you can have all the pussy you can eat."

My body ached when she lifted her hands off me and began to step back and for every step back she took I stepped forward until her ass was pressed against the sink and I was leaning against her.

Growling, my subconscious was hovering, embarrassed that I was throwing myself at her but my conscious just wanted to be between her legs.

Britt looked into my eyes with a mixture of sadness and heat.

"I'm not asking again" she said gripping my wrist a little too tightly for my liking.

I gasped out and dropped to my knees in front of her and she squeezed my wrist tighter thinking that I was going to try something but then I yelped.

She was at the end of her rope and was resorting to aggressive tactics hoping that I responded and just like I had been conditioned to do, I submitted. When I tried to reach between her legs and open the cabinet door, she still had a hold on me. I took my free hand and reached as far as I could, but she was holding super tight.

I came back out from under the sink and looked back up at Britt, she looked annoyed, when I didn't say anything and only looked at her, the grip got impossibly tighter. It felt like my wrist was ready to snap for a third time and now there were tears in my eyes.

"Baby, please, you have to let go, I can't reach it like this." I whined.

Without releasing her bruising hold she knelt beside me and urged me to proceed. Britt could see the distress that she was causing me even in my high state and so she stroked the back of my neck softly. I moaned as I leaned forward under the sink and with little effort, I finally got a hold on the box.

I took a deep breath and then I ducked from under the cabinet. As I held the box in my hand, I found myself face to face with B, who was leaning into me. She kissed my face and then when I tried to lean back, she squeezed my wrist and held her other hand out.

"Give it to me."

I closed my eyes and bowed my head because she was really hurting me, and I couldn't go through that again. So, I looked up at her and tried not to wince.

"Let go first...please?" I asked as nicely as I could.

When she released my wrist and I pulled it to my chest, I could see that it was already turning purple. Britt had never been aware of her own strength and this was evidence of that. Britt saw the bruising and then turned her cold eyes on me.

She just knelt there with her hands on her lap staring at me while waiting for me to make a move.

After the first tear drop that fell down my cheek, I quickly shoved the box into her hands not wanting her to see me cry over drugs.

I felt my eyes bouncing all over the room but tried my best to focus. I knew that this was serious.

"Is this the box from..." she looked down at the ring on her finger, "I can't believe that this is how you...ugh...Ana...why?"

I just sat there shaking my head not sure how to answer her question as the tears tried to erupt from my face.

God, please let me focus!

She looked up at me one last time and then quickly opened the box. I watched anxiously as she fingered the bags, counting them and then she looked back up at me as she snapped the box shut again.

"Is this all of it? Think carefully before you answer because I can't take another lie today."

"That's what I have left here, yes." I whispered.

"So, you know where to get more?" She asked, her voice breaking.

And this time I didn't lie.

"Yes, B...way more but it's not that close by."

"Where is it?"

"Marco's house." I said, and I watched the light bulb in her eyes.

All this time, everyone had forgotten that with him in jail and me being his wife, that house was mine for the taking and the hiding. It was my coke den and she hadn't even scratched the surface of my access to cocaine.

"Get up." she said as she stood to her feet.

I looked up at her and started to see double, my head began to ache, and I could feel the trickle of a nosebleed starting.

"Fuck." I muttered as I pulled myself up to my feet.

Britt wrapped me in a towel and plugged up my nose.

"Come on, you're shivering."

I didn't argue, I just nodded my head and let her lead me to the bedroom. I was floating as I just stood there letting her rub lotion into my skin but then she tossed my sleeping shirt to the side. My feet weren't stable anymore, so I kept swaying, but she was quiet and patient as she got me ready for bed.

I felt like a puppet.

She finished putting my hair up in a bun and then grabbed my face in between her hands.

It took a moment, but I was able to stare back into the pools of blue in front of me.

There was so much going on in them and I felt like I was going to drown in them.

"I hope you enjoyed that Ana...because you're done officially! Got it?" I didn't respond I just stared at her. Then she grabbed my wrist again even after she saw what she had done to me and squeezed it, instantaneously getting my attention. "Got it?"

I was close to crying now because the love of my life was seeing me for the sniveling coward I truly was and was realizing that I responded to pain before pleasure.

After so many years of abuse...I had become hard-wired this way.

I had done my best to hide that from her, but she figured it out on her own just like Marco.

"Yes. Please let go! I'll be better, I'll do better. I'll do anything for you Brittany."

"Good, you got me all worked up...I need you to help me go to sleep."

She sat on the edge of the bed and opened her legs. I knelt in front of her and licked my lips. This felt like a treat as she smiled at me and became all soft touches as she guided my face to where she wanted it.

I used my tongue, my lips, and my fingers as she groaned.

"Oh God! I missed you...yes...yessss...right there...suck it baby. Yessss...good baby." She was grinding on my face and I just kept going, giving her orgasm after orgasm until she fell back shuddering.

Then when she was done, I turned off the lamp and crawled into the bed next to her, pulling her into my arms.

Since forever, Britt has loved to be held after sex and even feeling like shit, I was grateful for that moment of connection, so I held her and inhaled the scent of her.

"I love you, B." I whispered.

She scooted up the bed until we were face to face and she kissed me.

I groaned as she pinched my nipple.

The milk was gone these days, but they were still bigger than usual and when she took it into her mouth, I gripped tight to her hair.

"Three more weeks, B." I reminded her, and she pulled away with a pop.

"Fine, you can just give me all your loving until then." She winked.

"Always, B."

We laid there in the darkness, with Britt now spooning me. She had her arm around my middle, just above the stitches and held me just tight enough for me not to move.

My head felt like it was going to split wide open as I came down from my high.

She kept holding me as I began to shake and every time I started shaking hard, she'd kiss my bare shoulder. Not being able to feel her inside of me and on me was torture.

Then as the tremors came, so did the pain. I clutched my wrist to my chest and silently let the tears soak my pillow. It was so crazy that she stayed awake to comfort me but at the same time, I was laying there in pain from her hurting me. I felt her breath creep over my neck and I shivered. Even crying, my body still responded to her.

She kissed behind my ear and across the expanse of my neck before sighing deeply and resting her head on my shoulder.

"I'll be taking over your decisions for a while until you get back to where you need to be. Got it?"

"Yes, B." I squeaked out.

"Marco tried to tell me about you but I didn't want to believe him. I see now that total control is what you need...so total control is what you will get."

My stomach dropped. I should have known that he had said more to Britt than she had let on. I closed my eyes and tried to fight back the sobs that were aching to break free from my chest because the last thing I needed was to break the peaceful moment with my own pitiful emotions.

I took a deep breath and just nodded.

"Yes B."

"Go to sleep now, we will settle things tomorrow."

I laid there, awake for hours after Britt fell asleep. My body hurt so fucking bad and my wrist was still throbbing.

What had we become?

I replayed my day and just kept crying as silently as possible. What was wrong with me?

Getting up in the morning was going to be hard for me because the pain in my stomach had increased while I laid there and watched the sky turn lighter just before the sun rose.

The skin of my wrist was purple and hurt to the touch, I had almost forgotten what pain felt like, almost.

It couldn't be earlier than five in the morning when I just couldn't bear it any longer and got up. I knew that the alarm would go off in an hour, but I couldn't wait anymore, I needed an escape.