A/N: I posted 7 chapters yesterday 44-50. If you are a little lost, make sure you didn't skip one. Today I'm posting 51-55, maybe more but definitely those five. Enjoy and let me know what you think. :)
Chapter 51: Sober (Demi Lovato)
"This doesn't look like cocaine...what is this?"
Britt held up the bag and examined it, she was so fucking cute, I needed to stare at her more often.
"Candy."
"Where did you get this?"
"My candy man!" I said slightly giggling. Britt looked concerned as she put my socks back on my feet and then my shoes. "I'm so glad you're my baby mama." I blew her a kiss and she looked even angrier but why...that was a nice thing!
Without warning B pulled me to my feet and then looped an arm through mine.
"I can't believe you right now, Santana!"
"I know, I'm amazing right?"
"No...not right now, you're not."
I leaned into B and closed my eyes as she walked us down the hallway. This time she supported me as we walked, and I snuggled against her.
"I love you B."
"No, you don't."
"I do...haha...I do, get it cuz you my wife!"
I barked out laughing at my own joke and then stumbled. Britt grunted and then lifted me up over her shoulder, I drummed a beat on her back and kept pretending to rap out Lil' Wayne verses. She held my ass as we bounced down the stairs and then after a minute she came to a stop and then she knocked on a door. I opened my eyes and saw that we were in the Cheerios locker room.
"What we doin' here baby mama?"
She put me down on my feet and I recognized the door, but I couldn't quite figure out where I had seen it before. When the door swung open, I stumbled back as Sue stood there with a super mean face. I fell against B, but she didn't hold me like I wanted her to.
"Coach, she took this," she handed the baggie to Sue, "Do you know what it is?"
Sue grabbed me by the collar of my jacket and pulled me into her office and pushed me into a chair. I just didn't get what everyone was so pissed about.
"Hey, why so rough Sue, be cool boo."
I watched as Sue and Britt turned to Claymation versions of themselves and started dancing around me with waving arms and angry eyebrows. Then they were doing some kind of weird dance. My head hurt and my lungs stung as I laughed. I couldn't contain myself as the laughter shook my body until I was curled up into the fetal position, on the ground laughing so hard that I was crying.
They wouldn't stop looking at me and Britt tried calling out to me, but I continued to cry into the corner. My stomach hurt so bad and now I was sobbing. I was knelt next to Sue's desk when I started vomiting rainbows. Everything hurt, as I gripped my stomach. I was backing up from the rainbow puddle and got to my feet. The room was spinning now, and everything was fuzzy, so fuzzy. I staggered against the door trying to make a run for it, but my feet were made of lead.
Everything hurt now, and I felt like my eyes were going to explode.
I was so tired from the vomiting and just wanted to be held. I looked towards Britt who was trying to clean up the rainbow puddle.
"B? I'm scared."
She looked up at me with tears in her eyes and nodded.
"Come sit, baby." She said, and I nodded before the room spun one last time and I dropped like a stone.
When I woke up, my head felt like it was going to split wide open and my mouth felt like it was full of cotton. I laid on my stomach staring at a wall with my everything looking blurry and my body feeling numb.
"B?" I whispered.
"Oh, thank God! Coach she's awake." I heard her call out making me wince from her yelling. My head was throbbing as I tried to turn to look in her direction but I couldn't move, so I was just stuck there staring at the wall, wanting to die until her face hovered in my vision and she smiled softly at me. "You okay, baby?"
"B, I can't move." I whined, and she rubbed my cheek and nodded.
"Sue said that might happen. Temporary paralysis is a side effect. It will wear off soon. I'm glad you're okay."
I was crying now, she was being so nice to me and then I felt her body laying along mine. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think we'd be lying on the floor in Sue's office like this.
"I'm sorry, B. I was just in so much pain...I...I should have come to you." I said, and she nodded, brushing my hair from my face.
"The doctor told me you'd be in a lot of pain, I didn't think you'd need more than the dose. The bottle said every six hours."
"I have a high tolerance." My voice was extra raspy.
"Once you are completely down, I'll give you some crackers and a pill...okay?"
"Okay."
"Drugs are bad, Ana. They're not the answer, are they?"
"No."
Even though I threw up and I probably stank, she was touching me like an angel and then leaned in and kissed my face.
"I love you, baby, please don't do that again. I was so scared." I saw the tears in her eyes and knew that I had traumatized her. How shitty a wife was I?
"I'm so sorry. Never again. I promise...please don't keep him from me, B...please?"
"Don't make promises you can't keep, baby and this did not help me trust you around him, you know that right?"
"I know, I know."
She kissed me again and I kissed her back...hissing as I felt pin needles in my groin. Of all the things to feel first, why that?
"What time is it?"
"A little after one...you were only out for a half hour."
"Shit...I'm glad it's over. It's never been this bad."
She sweetly ran a hand over the side of my face and through my sweaty hair, then kissed my face repeatedly. Her touch was like heaven as she pulled back and rubbed my back.
"It could have been worse." Britt said, and I knew she was right.
"Why, though?"
The beautiful moment was ruined by an insanely loud Sue Sylvester.
"That, sandbags, is because the idiot who sold this to you gave you crushed up MMA mixed with bad angel dust not coke." Sue said as she walked further into the room and stood above us. "If you had finished this bag you would have overdosed and died leaving your baby an orphan, your wife a widow and my Cheerios reputation marred by a junkie! I want names, when you are more coherent, I expect you to point out the scumbag who sold this to you!"
"Yes, coach." I whimpered, feeling her words slicing through me.
My arms and legs began to tingle as the feeling returned to them. I leaned further against B and she wrapped her arm around me, continuing to kiss my face.
Her comfort in that moment was all that I really needed, definitely not Sue's yelling. Britt held me like this was the most normal moment in the world and when I could, I pulled back enough to look into her eyes.
"Hey." I said, and she gave me a sad smile.
"Hey."
"I'm done buying stuff from that guy or anyone else. I feel fucking horrible...I may have just scared myself straight...did I do anything stupid?" I asked her, and she nodded, with her eyes huge.
"You mean besides taking that shit in the first place instead of finding me, so I could give you a pain killer?"
"Touché, you're right."
"Ready to take a shower, eat something, and take a pill?"
I nodded and finally rolled away. She got up and then held her hands to me. Everything ached as I finally got up and leaned against, B. I was out of breath, but I was happy that my mind was clearing up.
Sue was sitting there, looking at me with concern, despite her yelling she might have been genuinely scared that this was the big one.
"Thank you, coach. I'm sorry I brought this to your doorstep."
"Sorry isn't enough, Lopez. You're an adult and someone's mother, it's time you started acting like it."
"Yes, coach."
"Brittany, I'm giving you two an excused absence for the afternoon. Take her home...get her sober and take her to see her kid, maybe she'll remember what's at stake and if she doesn't, you leave her there until she gets it through her thick head. Are we clear?"
"Yes, coach."
Britt held both of our backpacks as we walked out from the bleachers and onto the track. My feet against the clay felt good and I realized that I missed it.
"I miss running." I said, and she squeezed my hand.
"Maybe once you're better, you should start doing it again."
"You think so?"
"Anything to get you back to being healthy, baby."
"Are you angry?"
She sighed heavily and nodded.
"Yes, but I think I earned that, right?"
"Yes."
"I don't want you seeing Izzy today, not with this stuff still in your system."
I nodded, completely on the same page with her as we climbed the steps to the apartment.
She never let go of my hand and didn't squeeze overly tight either, she just seemed tired of it all. When we got inside, I kicked off my shoes...fully ready to get on the couch and lay down but Britt was still holding on to me.
"No, baby. I need you to sit at the table and not move for a while."
I turned to argue but the look in her eye told me that it was a lost cause. So, I went into the kitchen and sat at the table. I watched as she opened the fridge and pulled out leftovers. She poured the food onto the plate and then put it in the microwave.
"Britt Britt?" She turned to look at me, a fork in her mouth and raised her eyebrow. "Is this your way of not hurting me...making me sit here?"
She slid the fork out of her mouth and shook her head.
"No, I just think we need to pause. Let's eat lunch and then we are going to take you somewhere."
"Where?"
"You'll see." The microwave beeped, and she took out the steaming plate and put it down in front of me. "What would you like to drink?"
"Water is fine."
"Okay."
She came back to the table with three pill bottles and then sat across from me. I looked at the bottles and then back up at her.
Two of them were mine and one of them was hers.
"What's all that?"
"Eat."
"Aren't you eating with me, you know I hate to eat alone."
"Watching you throw up killed my appetite. I was half through lunch earlier when you showed up anyway, so it's fine. Go ahead, baby."
I began to eat and then she opened her pill bottle and took two pills out, staring at them for a long moment before putting them in her mouth and taking a sip of my water. Then she crossed her hands-on top of the table and smiled at me as I ate.
She knew I had questions and I think her whole point of doing this in front of me, was to prove a point. My stomach started to ache, so halfway through my plate I pushed it away.
"I'm done, my stomach hurts."
"Okay, well go ahead and take your antibiotics and the painkiller. Does your head hurt at all?"
"Yeah, right above my ear."
"When you passed out, you hit your head on Sue's foot."
"I bet she hated that." I said, opening the pill bottle with shaky hands before putting two pills on the table. Britt took the bottles and closed them for me, while I swallowed down the pills dry.
"Drink the water, they need help dissolving." She said and then her face got a little dopey as she looked at me. It was like watching her shift into another person. My sweet Brittany stared back at me and then she reached out and took my hand. "We didn't know each other like we should have before getting married. I wish I could do it over."
"About that..." I mumbled, and she turned her head a bit, not hearing me really.
"My medicine...I don't take it like I should. Sue reminded me that it was probably making things between us worse."
"Why do you take them, B?"
"I have bipolar 2, I get really mad when I don't take them."
"Is that...have you not been taking them?"
She shook her head and then rubbed her thumb over the back of my hand. "No, not for awhile."
"Why not, B?"
"I thought I had to stop so that I could be what you need me to be, a mature grown-up who can take care of you and Izzy."
"No. I just need my favorite person to keep being my favorite person. You don't have to be a grown up for us, B. I'd rather you be level headed than to be some super mature asshole. How long has it been since you last took them?"
"Since this." I watched her tap the pink scar on her forehead from the stitches.
"B that was like five months ago, is that why you've been so all over the place. Angry, slutty...mean?"
A clone of me.
"Yes, but today, I'm going to start again...just like I hope you can."
"I want to."
"Is this why your mom was so worried about you moving in with me?"
"Yes, but I thought I had it under control."
"Just like me with the coke."
"Exactly. We are both messed up, baby but we can be better together."
"You really believe that?"
"I believe in us, together we can get through anything."
"Thanks for telling me, B."
She took my plate after that and then put her hand to my forehead.
"You feel a little warm, how's your pain?"
"Easier to manage."
"Are you up for a shower?"
"I think so."
"Okay." She put the plate in the sink and then reached her hand out to me. When my hand was in hers, I could feel that she was sweaty. Telling me must have taken all her nerve.
When we went into the bathroom, she began taking off her uniform and I stripped out of my clothes just as quickly. The velvet box was gone from the countertop and I stared at the spot that it was in until she stepped in front of me and snapped her fingers in front of my eyes.
"Even after what happened today, you still want more?"
"Yes." I admitted.
"Are you ever going to be done?"
I looked up at her and shrugged.
"No idea, I want to be but I don't know if I'm strong enough to beat this."
"That is the most honest thing you've ever said to me."
She started the shower and then stepped in, holding the curtain open for me.
"Britt...I...I don't know what to say about what happened today or who I am becoming." I said, and she nodded.
"I once stopped talking for a whole month after getting new meds...it's okay to not say anything sometimes. Come on." She reached for me and I followed her, happy to just not think about my next move and follow hers.
She had that dopey look on her face as she washed my body, head to toe. Then she put toothpaste on my toothbrush and handed it to me.
"Thanks." I said, and she just nodded before beginning to soap herself up.
She kept smiling bigger and bigger as I finished brushing, the moment I put my toothbrush down she pulled me forward under the water and then kissed me.
Her touches were softer than they'd been in a long time and I was realizing more what had been Britt off her meds and Britt on her meds.
The part of her I fell in love with was medicated and tame...I wasn't sure I ever wanted to go back to her without her drugs. I wanted her to fuck me so bad, but we still couldn't. I hurt too much for that, so I turned us and pressed her against the wall. She looked surprised as I pinched her nipples.
She pushed my soaked hair from my eyes and shook her head gently.
"You're on punishment baby, no sweet sexy times for you. After this, you're going to get dressed and go to bed. I'll wake you at dinner time."
"I thought you said we were going somewhere?"
"I changed my mind. You need rest and I want to make sure you get it."
"What will you be doing?"
"Homework and laundry."
"Okay."
She kissed me again, groaning as I ran my hands up and down her sides...wanting more but knowing that this was probably what I deserved, to feel like there was an immediate consequence for my actions...as if nearly killing my son wasn't enough.
Once I was set up in bed, I just laid there staring at the ceiling for a long time and then my phone chimed but I ignored it and rolled away from my nightstand but then it chimed again and then it buzzed. I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep but my body was aching so badly. I ran my fingers over my incision line and bit my lip as a sharp pain hit me. I was starting to drift when the door to the room opened a little while later and Britt hovered over me, her hand rubbing up and down my arm.
"Hmm?"
"Your mom needs to talk to you." I rolled over and saw her with her phone to her ear. "I'll have her call you, Ma."
Once Mami was off the phone, she picked up my phone and without looking at the screen handed it to me.
"Talk to her and then go back to sleep."
"Okay."
She left me with my phone and closed the door.
I stared at my notifications.
Just heard the news, let me know what you want to order-Nico
Erase that message, my love-Carmen
Call me!-Mami
The three of them in succession like that only meant one thing to me.
"Is he out?" I looked at Mami, she was back in New York with Sandra. My sister was pacing behind her.
Mami nodded and threw her hands up.
"He is a damn good lawyer, mi'ja, the snake won his appeal. He's due to be released for time served in a few days."
"Any limitations?"
"You mean, can he come to Lima...yes he can."
"What can I do?"
"Unless there's something you can pin on him, he's going to walk."
"Crap." I pressed a hand to my aching head and then looked at Mami. "I can't handle this today Mami, I almost died today, that's why I'm not at school."
That got Sandra's attention. She leaned over Mami's shoulder.
"What the fuck happened?"
"Language, Sandra." Mami said and my grown ass sister looked apologetic.
"I slipped up on Saturday and then again today at school, I got cocky and bought some bad stuff. I ended up throwing up in Sue's office and passing out. I'm in deep shit with B...so him getting out is the last thing I need. Anything I can pin on him will bring me down too...like way down."
"Didn't you get out of rehab on Saturday, how did you slip up on the same day?" Sandra was glaring at me now.
"I was stressed, and I chose badly...I scared myself today. I don't want to be like this anymore...I need a break."
"No, what you need is to go back to rehab."
"I have to finish school."
"You can do school work from rehab. Do I need to come there and stick my foot up your ass, Santana?"
"Mami...aren't you going to say something?" I asked. Mami had just been staring off while Sandra scolded me.
"Mi'ja, I agree with your sister. You need to go back to rehab until you kick this...you can't keep slipping up like this."
I was crying now and making a mess of my face as I listened to my sister and mother essentially plead for me to go back. So, I made myself a promise that if I would go after school ended.
"I have a month and a half of school left. I will go right after graduation. I promise you that I will."
"I'm enacting the clause, Santana. No major purchases over $500 without my signature. Okay?"
"That's fine." I said, waving her off because if I wanted more, I could get it for free. I was wiping at my face and trying hard not to weep as I got yelled out by my sister and then the door to the room opened and Britt looked surprised to see me still sitting there with the phone in tears.
"Is everything okay?" I shook my head and handed her my phone as I stood up, slowly, feeling all the pains from earlier.
"Finish talking to them, it's too much, B. I need to pee." I said and walked away from her.
"Keep the door open." She said to my back and I just nodded, not really intending to do that for a second.
She started talking to my mom and sister, while I closed the door and locked it...for that moment, I needed a breather. I paced the bathroom, back and forth at war with the cravings that I had. All I wanted was coke. Not Britt, not Isaac, just coke. Desperate, I opened the medicine cabinet and found my emergency pack of cigarettes.
I turned on the vent and then climbed in the tub and lit up.
The smoke curled in the air as I tried to think of all my blessings. Everything that I had to live for was on the other side of that door and all I wanted to do was just die.
As I laid there, the door knob jiggled and then I heard the jingle of keys...she must have gone to the super for it because I never actually had one.
I kept my eyes closed as I blew out smoke rings.
When I opened my eyes, B had her shirt pulled over her nose and mouth as she watched me.
"You ignored me when I asked you to leave this door open. I can see that you needed the break but I need you not to ignore me. Okay?"
"Yeah. You mad?" I asked, "Everyone is mad today and I'm just here taking it all in...did they tell you?"
"They did."
"And they told you about my promise to them?"
"Rehab after graduation, yeah."
"I know you're in charge and I should probably be in bed and not behind a locked door smoking...but at least it's not coke."
"I know, baby."
"So, are you?"
She looked confused.
"What?"
"Mad, are you mad at me?"
She shook her head.
"No. I think you need to finish up and get dressed so we can go out for a while."
I sat up tossed the cigarette into the open toilet, intrigued that the plan wasn't for me to go right back to bed.
"Where are we going, what happened to rest?"
"We're going out, obviously rest isn't happening right now so...brush your teeth and wash your face because you stink now."
And that was it...no anger...no frustration...just her telling me what she needed.
When we were in my car, I decided on a bold move.
"B?"
"Hmm?"
"Can we make a stop in West Lima?"
"Why?"
"I need to put something back that I took and get something that I left."
She looked at me for a long moment and then nodded. No questions were asked, she just turned up the music and began to drive towards Marco's house. I needed to go there when he wasn't around, that's for sure.
When we parked, I rubbed Britt's leg.
"Come in with me."
She looked surprised.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. I need you with me, B...especially in there."
She smiled happily.
"Okay."
"First though, I'm going to need you to let me sit in the driver seat and hand over the keys."
She got out of the car and I climbed over the console and pulled the door closed. I could feel her hovering through the open window as she watched me stick my key into an all-black hole that I doubt she'd noticed. I turned the key and the bottom of the door popped open and there sitting just as I left it was a brown paper bag. I grabbed it and then locked the compartment again. Britt wouldn't look at me anymore, that happy smile was gone as she put up the windows and turned off the car.
With the bag clutched to my chest, I opened the front door and just like that, we returned to the last place that I wanted to be on the planet.
I caught sight of the table and saw the residue of my last visit. I reached back for Britt's hand and she slid her sweaty hand into mine. I pulled her upstairs to Marco's bedroom and she looked around in awe.
Britt stayed with me as I put the brown paper bag back where I had found it. Then I walked over to my side of the mattress, "Can you help me lift this, B?"
She lifted the mattress one handed and there lined up was a manila envelope that had my passport among other things. I picked up another brown paper bag and then walked back to the closet. This was the rest of my coke and I was leaving it for him like a fucking present, really though it was about a half a brick, so I was replacing what I stole.
After I was done, something caught my eyes and I froze. There sitting at the bottom of the closet, stashed in the corner was a pair of expensive ass heels that Nico bought me way back.
I grabbed them and then nodded to B.
"I'm done."
"Okay, don't come back here, it's got bad vibes."
"That's the plan, babe. I wanted to come here and get my shit before he came back."
Once we were back in the car, I could see Britt looking at the big manila envelope.
"What's that?"
"My passport, birth certificate and a little insurance against Marco. No biggie."
"There's no drugs in there, right?"
"Nope...as you saw, I left those for him. I want to be done, B. I'm going to slip up but know that I really want to be finished. It's so exhausting being addicted to this shit."
We drove towards the center of town and Britt rubbed at my neck as she drove. I dropped my head and absorbed the energy that she was sending my way.
Maybe she wasn't trying to be like Marco, maybe she was trying to replace him in my mind.
If that was her plan, I hoped to God that it worked.
When we pulled up to the hospital, I felt tears prick my eyes.
Had she changed her mind?
"You said that I couldn't see him, I mean I'm not complaining but-"
She unbuckled us both and then turned to me.
"I'm not bringing you to see Izzy. I was serious about that, I'm bringing you to Quinn."
Shit! What a crappy best friend was I?
I had forgotten all about her.
Britt held my hand while we rode the elevator up to the third floor. She never let my hand go and it felt good, she was keeping me present in the moment. I had almost forgotten how to do that on my own.
When we walked into the room, Q was eating a chocolate pudding and humming happily to herself.
"She must be on the good drugs." I muttered to B and she chuckled.
Quinn's face shot up and she grinned.
"OMG! My favorite lesbians! Hey bitches!"
Her leg was hoisted up on a sling. She had a cast from her foot all the way up to her mid-thigh.
"Shit, Q. How bad was it?"
"What?" She asked looking confused and then looked over at the cast and laughed. "Oh that! My femur is broken down there just above my knee. There's a metal rod in there! I had to have surgery...it's so crazy!"
"That is crazy. What made you get a purple one? You like red."
"My prom dress is purple."
"Oh Q...sweetie you are going to regret that color." I muttered as I pulled my chair up to her bed. It was rare that I was visiting someone in the hospital, usually people were visiting me.
"I think it's nice, don't be mean, Ana." Britt said, and I just rolled my eyes.
"Yeah, don't be mean to me, S!" Q said and then slammed her empty pudding cup down. "I need another. Did you bring anything to eat, I'm starving?"
Britt shook her head, "No, Quinnie but I'll go find a nurse. You hang out with Ana for a bit."
I looked at B and could see that she wasn't telling the whole truth.
"You're going to see the baby, aren't you?" I asked, and she shrugged.
"One of us should go see him. I'll send the nurse in, if she's not here in five minutes hold that button down. That always works."
"B?" She looked over at me when she was at the door.
"Yeah?"
"Beso?" I said, and she came back and kissed my lips, then she turned to Q and kissed her cheek.
"Be good ladies, I'll be back in a bit. I just need to go check in, poor baby hasn't seen us since Saturday."
Sure enough, a nurse came back in carrying a food tray and another pudding cup.
Q clapped her hands and then stuck her lip out.
"Can my friend have a pudding? She's Santana Lopez."
The nurse looked at me and nodded.
"Oh, I know who she is, she's a legend around here."
"Okay, ha ha...does that legendary status get me pudding or not?"
"I'll be right back."
Quinn uncovered her food and scrunched up her face.
"Ugh, I don't know if I can put up with a week of this." She muttered.
"Damn, Q, a week?"
"And about 5 months in this cast! Please tell me you killed that bitch that dropped me?"
"Sue kicked her off the team and there's a slushy order straight from the top. She's getting hers."
"Good!"
The nurse brought me a vanilla pudding, my favorite, and then I was left to watch Quinn, who had just been bitching about the food, clean her plate and down her pudding.
"Damn, Q, hungry much?"
"So hungry! Oh hey...pick up my phone and put in 1010 as the password."
I picked it up and put in the pass code.
"Wait...is that...that's Celia's birthday."
"I know that...just go to my texts and open the last one from Rachel."
"There's no naked pics of hobbits, right?"
"Just don't scroll all the way up, just look at today."
I scrolled up and saw it immediately. A video of me stumbling down a hallway, clinging to the walls and chomping my teeth at anyone who reached out to me. When it ended, I replayed it before putting the phone down.
When I looked up at Quinn, her eyebrow was raised.
"Yeah, so that happened." I said and then filled her in on everything from the beginning all the way to the call with Mami.
"Wow. I'm sorry I wasn't there."
"Not like you had a choice. I know you would have been there for me...you always are. Can I ask you something?"
She nodded hard and then held her hand out for my half-eaten pudding. I handed it over, not really in the mood for it anymore.
"Did you know about Britt being bipolar?"
Her eyes went wide, and she nodded.
"Yeah, Cheerio captain is briefed on all medical conditions. I've known since sophomore year."
"And you didn't tell me?"
"No. That was for her to tell you and I'm glad that she finally did."
"Me too, explains a lot of the loopy things she's said over the years."
"Between you and me, you really shouldn't have gotten married."
"Which time?"
"Either time!"
She erupted in laughter and just sat there grinning like a buffoon until the door opened again and in walked B. Britt looked from Q to me and then sat beside me. She pulled out her phone and showed me a video of my little baby smiling.
"Oh Isaac!" I was crying again as I kept replaying it and then I showed Q and she grinned even wider.
"He's so beautiful. That's your reason right there."
"Yeah, he is." I whispered as I brushed the screen. "My perfect little reason."
When I returned to school the next morning, I was on the bleachers once again watching practice. There was a hole in the routine where Q was supposed to be, and it was very noticeable. Sue was screaming at the top of her lungs through the mega phone and I just plugged my ear buds in.
I was so into my book that it startled me when there was a shadow standing over me. When I looked up there stood Ian in his football jersey with his sunglasses on.
My neck hurt just looking up at him. He squatted down in front of me and I unplugged my earbuds.
"That was quite a performance yesterday."
"You saw?"
"Not only did I see, I kept you steady a few times."
"Well that's fucking embarrassing. Everyone knows, huh?"
"Pretty much. Britt texted me to let me know you weren't going to see Isaac. Is today better?"
"Definitely. Yesterday was something I'd like never to repeat."
"Good, so I think I'm okay with Britt going with us. She obviously is the one holding everything together, including you."
"Yeah...she is."
He sighed and gave me a bright smile. "That's okay, she's your wife, it's her job to be there. Sickness and health, right?"
"Right."
"So, I'll meet you where?"
"Here, she has practice after school, then we can all head to the car together."
"Perfect. I'll see you two here after school. Have a good day, Santana."
"Thanks, you too."
He patted my shoulder before walking away.
God please don't let my bad behavior yesterday get my baby taken away.
I was happy that Britt came with us because the ride to the hospital would have been awkward otherwise because there weren't enough words for the explanations I needed to give Ian. He didn't know me, not really and there was a difference between my reputation and my reality.
For the first time in my memory, I sat in the backseat of my car and decided to lay back and enjoy the view of the top down. Pretty soon, we'd need to trade this car in for something more family friendly and I was glad that I was able to enjoy this view.
My heart was happy listening to Ian and Britt happily chatting the whole way. Apparently, Ian was going to Juilliard for drama. From what I could tell, he was the male version of Brittany. That must have been why I had picked him. He let out a nervous chuckle when Britt said something about Isaac and a bunch of memories came flooding back from August.
As we got onto the elevator, I took a moment to look at my son's father. Ian easily stood over six feet with sandy blonde hair and the clearest baby blue eyes and ears that stuck out.
When he caught me looking at him he smiled shyly and looked away. Now that I remembered, I could see why he seemed nervous around me. I had been such a bitch to him that night.
As we were washing our hands, I leaned into him and he ducked his head closer so that he could hear me.
"I am so sorry. I hope you can forgive me for how I acted that night." he looked at me and nodded.
"All is forgiven. Thank you for saying that, you have no idea how much that means to me."
"I meant every word."
Britt had gone in ahead of us to talk to Isaac's nurse. Who was mid diaper change. Ian was walking awkwardly next to me and the nurse broke the ice, thankfully.
"You must be Ian?"
"Yes ma'am."
"Have a seat...do you want to hold him?"
"Will I hurt him?"
"No, he is almost strong enough to get out of here in fact."
The nurse got Ian situated in the rocker and then she handed the baby to him.
"Hold him like a football...you know how to do that right?"
Ian nodded and then held Isaac close to his chest after unbuttoning his shirt. When he looked down at his son for the first time and saw his own eyes looking back up at him, he smiled really big. I could tell that he was just as mesmerized by him as I was.
"He's a looker! I think I may be in love with him already."
If I had heard that before today my heart would have dropped but now with what I remembered about that night, I was glad that he loved Isaac at first sight. I took a picture of them and sent it to Ian's phone.
Britt stood to the side with a nervous expression on her face. Then she looked at me almost pleadingly.
"Ian, can you come over tonight?" I asked.
He looked at me and then at Britt before he nodded.
"Okay, I need to let my mom know." He said, then he looked at Britt, obviously seeing her distress, "We can find a way to make this work...I'm not taking him away from you Brittany." he looked back at Isaac in amazement.
I pulled B to my side and wrapped my arm around her waist.
She leaned her head on my shoulder and we watched Ian for a while and then he got up so that I could sit with him for a while.
As Isaac lay on my chest, I could see that he still had a twitch when he breathed. I could see the damage that I had inflicted on him and I began to cry.
"I'm so sorry hijo...I am going to get better and so are you. I promise"
We stayed a while longer after I made sure that B got her time with Isaac. I could see that she was worried about where she fit in his life but in my eyes her place was cemented.
While she sat with Isaac, Ian used the opportunity to finally pull me to the side.
"Can I talk to you for a second?"
"Ian, the reason I invited you tonight, is so that we can talk about everything with Britt there too, I don't want her to feel left out."
"I know that, it's just that I need some time when I can just talk to you, that's why I didn't want an audience originally, it's nothing personal against her."
"Why can't you talk to me in front of my wife?"
"I'm embarrassed about it okay..."
"B won't judge you...you saw how it was in the car, you guys are like one person."
"That why you chose me?"
"I guess I have a type, who knew?" I asked rhetorically. Ian chuckled.
"Your subconscious, apparently."
"I really am sorry about what happened."
"I get that Brittany won't judge me...I just...I can't explain...it's just..."
"Look, how about we all talk and when we square things away then and only then, you and I will talk alone. How does that sound?"
"Okay. Thank you, Santana."
"Come on, we should go back in."
When we got to the apartment, Britt immediately went into the bedroom to change. Her mood had soured since yesterday. I hadn't made sure she took her medicine this morning and was wondering which version of her I was going to get.
The ride back to the apartment was quieter, less stories of what to expect in New York and more about Isaac's birth and his growth progress. She seemed annoyed that Ian and I had walked off to talk a little at the hospital, but she was trying her best not to show it.
Ian sat down on the couch and I offered him a drink, but he just stared at me, up and down.
"Well, do you?"
"No thanks."
When he declined, I went ahead into the kitchen to serve our plates. Britt came out of the bedroom looking more relaxed and wrapped me in her arms.
"I love you, baby."
"I love you too, B."
"How's your pain?"
"Could be better, I think I need another dose...maybe before bed."
"Sounds good, where's Ian?"
"Living room. Can you get him? I just served us."
"Okay."
Ian talked mostly to me through dinner and Britt's mood was getting bad again the more he talked to me, it was easy to see that she was jealous. After a bit, she gripped my thigh and didn't let it go for the rest of the meal.
"Can I ask you something, Santana?" he finally asked.
"Go ahead."
"If I allow Britt to adopt Isaac does that mean that I can't see him, like, ever again?" I turned to Britt and nodded towards her, I wasn't going to let her be left out of the conversation by any means.
"We wanted you to meet Izzy before you decided what you wanted to be to him. We thought maybe a godfather. You can be around as much or little as you want. I just want to be a full-time mom to him." Britt said with a nervous look on her face.
"Agreed." I said, rubbing at Britt's hand on my leg. She loosened up a bit after I defended her, and I was insanely grateful.
"Well...I want to be around, take him to do stuff I never did. I am not ready to raise a kid but he's my son and that means something to me. I know you two will be amazing moms, but I just want him to know me however you're comfortable. So being his Godfather would make me insanely happy!" he smiled and rubbed his palms together.
"Are you sure Ian? I don't want you to come back and sue for custody later. I am open to making this relationship with you a frequent one if you're committed to it. I just would like you to honor Britt as his mom just as much as me, especially if something were to happen to me."
"Okay. I can do that. I will sign the papers."
"Okay. I'll have my lawyer draw them asap."
"So, I'm the godfather?" He said with a scratchy voice and I rolled my eyes.
"Yes goofball."
"I'm excited."
"I know you want to talk to Santana alone so I'm going to go do some homework and she's going to take you home. See you later Ian." Britt stood up and held her arms open for a hug. Ian picked her up and spun her around and as always, she came down gracefully.
Once B had gone to the room and shut the door, I watched Ian visibly relax.
"So, what's up Ian?"
"So, the STD...I'm sorry about that."
"So, we're just jumping right into it, are we?"
"I need to get this stuff off my chest."
"Okay."
"I know that I told you that I was a virgin and I-I meant it, I'm sorry."
"Look, I should be the one apologizing...I was drunk, and I literally dragged you up those stairs and took advantage of you. I ridiculed you and called you gay and then when you told me how you got raped by your uncle a few weeks before...I laughed at you. I'm sorry...I have been abused and violated and it's not something anyone should go through."
"You were the first person that I told...it was hard to push through that but with therapy, I have come a long way."
"It's good that you're going to therapy...I think that's where I need to be."
"Maybe it would help with your other issues too."
"Yea."
"Just know that, I'm here for you."
"Yea? You mean that?"
"Definitely."
"Did you mean what you said that night about me?"
"Yea...since like second grade but you didn't know I existed...I even joined the football team when I saw that you were a cheerleader, convinced myself it was me that you were cheering for."
"That's a bit creepy...you don't have a shrine of me, somewhere do you?"
"God no! It was just a crush and so when you finally noticed me at the party, you could have kicked my ass all night and I would have come back for more."
"Wow...wanky and how about now?"
"I have accepted that you love Brittany and I am content with the fact that at least, you know who I am now. If I had to pick any mother for my son, it would have always been you."
"That's because you don't know me very well, I'm a really screwed up person right now, definitely not parent material."
"Why is that, because of the drugs?"
"I'm trying to stop. Right now, I can't really trust myself...yesterday opened my eyes though."
"Good. Can I ask you something?"
"Anything."
"While you pregnant did you...?"
"Yes. A few times. That's why he's here early. I'm so ashamed of myself. He is largely unharmed, so far, aside from the twitching."
"When he breathes...yea...I noticed that. Is he going to be okay?"
"He has asthma...but they seem to think he is getting better. The twitch is very slight now compared to how it was a week ago."
"But you are working on stopping now, right?"
"Yes. I have decided that as soon as graduation is over, I'm going to rehab before moving to New York."
"Good. I really care about you and I want you to get back to your bitchy self. Please stop okay?"
"I'm trying"
"Well try harder."
"Gee thanks."
"I want my son to have both his mother's okay?"
"Okay...I get it...I'm going to work at it."
By the time that we finished having our talk, Ian was yawning, and I was feeling like I could pass out. So, I grabbed the car keys and drove Ian back home. It felt good to be out on the open road without supervision especially after that stupid stunt that I had pulled yesterday.
I didn't want to lose my privileges, so I drove there and then straight back home. I got back home and cleaned up a little before taking my antibiotics and pain killer.
Feeling overly exhausted, I opened the bedroom door and Britt was laying across the bed, moaning heavily into her phone. I froze in the doorway, flicking the light on for a better view and she quickly hung up the phone.
My eyes had zeroed in on her hand moving under the blanket.
"What were you doing B?"
"Um..."
"Please tell me that I didn't just walk in on you having phone sex!" I yelled.
Britt blushed and then put her phone on the nightstand.
"That was a quick drive to Ian's."
"Of course, it's not like we were going to be off making another baby."
"So, you do want to sleep with him again?"
"What?"
Was she high?
"You look at him differently than any other guy...you look at him like you look at me."
She had noticed that? Fuck!
"Alright, I admit I am a little attracted to him okay..."
I closed the door and leaned against it, wanting to just climb in bed and sleep but I knew that this conversation had just taken a strange turn.
Britt sat against the headboard and had that cold look in her eyes, again.
"Sexually attracted?"
"No. As a person, like he and I were meant to be close, like me and Noah or me and Quinn."
"Both of which you have fucked by the way."
"Okay...bad example...I'm done with all that anyway. I am committed to you...can you say the same? Are you committed to me?"
I walked over to the bed and sat on the edge, resting my hand against her leg. She held both hands in her lap and wouldn't look up into my eyes. I noticed that she had on just her bra, no panties...I knew that I had caught her.
She had been having phone sex. In our bed. Door unlocked...like she wanted to be caught.
I reached over to her lap and grabbed her right hand, lifting it to my nose easily smelling the rich scent coating her still partially damp fingers. I kissed her hand and then let it drop
"You know phone sex is still cheating B."
"It is?"
"Was it Frankie?"
"Yea."
"You're thinking about going on that tour, aren't you?"
I sat there softly caressing her hand as I waited for a response. My heart was pounding fast, and I felt sick, but I sat still, feeling like I deserved to feel this pain. I was trying my best to be patient and give her a chance to be honest, even though I hadn't been one hundred percent honest with her.
"I don't know yet."
"You want to fuck her again, though?"
I kept looking down at her hand not being able to turn towards her and look in her eyes.
"Yes."
"Don't you still want me?"
"So badly...but with her it-it's just different."
"How?"
"I don't want to say."
"Tell me, B."
"It's exciting with her...fresh...no drama."
I stood up from the bed, walked into the bathroom and slamming the door. Seconds later, I heard her stumble from the bed and I quickly locked the door.
There was nothing that she could say to me right now. So, I climbed in the shower and tried to wash away the day.
"Ana? Unlock the door."
"Fuck off Brittany." I called out sweetly. She really had pushed me past my limit. We were married and parents now...why the games? Why the cheating?
"I'm going to unlock it."
I sighed and rinsed the conditioner from my hair.
"I don't give a flying fuck what you do, Brittany Susan!"
"You're supposed to be listening to me."
"Yeah and you're supposed to not want to fuck around."
I stepped out of the shower and began to dry my skin, trying to remember the last time I had taken time to myself like this and I couldn't remember. Now that I was calmer, I needed to fix shit with my wife, but I wouldn't have the chance.
The door swung open and slammed against the wall, I jumped back nearly falling backwards into the shower.
"What the fuck is wrong with you!" I yelled stomping my foot even though I probably didn't look intimidating standing there naked, but I was hoping she would take me seriously.
She didn't.
Britt grabbed my wrists and pulled them above my head before stepping close to me and pinning me against the wall.
She pressed against me, ignoring my stomach and brushing against it.
I hissed and sniffed back the tears that were starting to come.
"Did you use anything, make any detours while driving?"
"No." I whispered. "I'm done with that."
"Why because your precious Ian asked you to stop?"
"Fuck you Brittany, I'm stopping for me, for Isaac, for us! You saw me get rid of that coke!"
We were staring each other down now.
"Yea but knowing you there's more somewhere, there always is."
She was almost nose to nose with me now and had a tight grip on me. The tears were pouring down now but I paid them no mind and kept trying to sniff through a stuffy nose.
Who was this person in front of me?
"B, you're really fucking pushing it right now. I'm not going to deal with this shit from you."
"Yes, you will. We both know that you will do whatever the fuck I say."
She was right...for the most part.
"Did you take your pills at all today?"
"I hate how they make me feel."
"If this is the alternative because I hate how you not taking them makes me feel!"
She pressed me against the wall even harder and was nearly suffocating me with her overwhelming presence.
"You know Santana, I tried being sweet with you but still you flirt all night with him."
"I only want you, B! Why don't you get that? You're hurting me, please stop...Brittany, please?" I was whispering and pleading for her to understand.
"Sorry."
She let go and took a step back, her breathing heavy as she got herself together. Then she looked up at me with tears in her eyes. I fixed the towel, wrapping it tight around myself and glared at her. "Did you take your pills today?"
"No. I forgot this morning."
"You need to fucking take them, I'm going to get dressed and I'll meet you in the kitchen. We can have ice cream and talk this shit out while keeping our fucking hands to ourselves. Okay?"
"Yeah. I'm sorry, okay?"
"Prove it."
While Britt got herself together, I examined my wrists, one with fading bruises and the other with a fresh one blooming. This was getting out of hand and with Marco coming out soon, I couldn't survive my life if both of them were beating my ass.
Britt came out looking calmer, a little goofier but I'd take that over a raging psycho.
I put a sundae in front of her with sprinkles and whipped cream, and a cherry on top. She grinned at me and I nearly burst into tears. I held out my wrists and she looked like a puppy dog.
"I thought you understood the point this pushes me too, B?"
"I fucked up tonight."
"Yeah, you said you wouldn't do this."
"I'm just mad at you."
"About yesterday?"
"That and you flirting with Ian...but not just that."
"Do you want to tell me about it? Was that whole Frankie thing to get back at me flirting?"
"No...it's more than that with her."
I sat down hard in my chair and picked at my much smaller sundae. My stomach was in knots as I nodded.
"How so?"
"I have been trying to be honest with you...that's why I told you about Frankie. I know it was bad timing and you didn't want to hear it, but I do have feelings for her. It's not love but it's...something."
"Like an energy exchange."
"I guess." She shrugged "If that means, I just want to have sex with her whenever I see her or talk to her then yes, that."
My jaw was hanging as I looked at her but then I rolled my neck and shoulders to release the tension there. Thinking of Britt with someone else made me want to kill someone.
"We're married, B."
"Are we though? I was going through your mail and I realized that you never sent your divorce papers. Which is confusing because we had a wedding and now Marco is going to come back for you."
My heart dropped as I felt the food coming back up. I ran to the sink and emptied my stomach. Her hand was rubbing my back again, as I began to cry into the sink. When I stood up again, she turned on the water and rinsed it all away before turning it back off.
When I looked in her eyes, I could see that aloofness there but behind that was something else. She'd been thinking about this for a bit.
"How long have you known?"
"Not long, after the whole Mrs. Vega thing on Sunday...I got curious. You're still married to him which means I can do what I want but I am choosing to be here with you. I love you and I love Izzy so much. I can't just leave for good, especially not with him getting out."
"If I send those papers it will be official and then all it takes is me submitting our marriage certificate...it's all just paperwork, B."
"No, it's more than that. Our marriage meant something to me...so sleeping with Frankie wasn't cheating. I can't cheat on you if you're married to someone else."
"Britt please don't do this."
"Do what? You lied to me again!"
"I did it for us, you wanted to get married so I made it happen. Please don't hold that against me. What will it take for us to be alright again? I'll do anything to make this marriage legit. I'll submit the papers tomorrow morning!"
"He's not going to sign them if he knows he's getting out."
"I'll find a way...just, don't act like this isn't a real marriage because it is."
"It's not and Frankie agrees with me."
"That's what it comes down to? Well, if you want to go fuck your little bitch because you need something I can't give you right now or if you want to go on that tour, then just go all I ask is that you don't make this an end for us."
"I just told you that I'm not leaving you."
"Is this about her though? You want her and me at the same time?"
"Maybe."
"That's not a marriage...at least not one that I want."
"What about what I want?"
"And what's that exactly. Tell me to my face, B...tell me what you want."