Chapter 55: Falling Apart (All American Rejects)
His calloused fingers were light as they grazed over the scar and I shivered. I leaned into his touch as he acknowledged the pain that I had gone through to bring his son into the world. This was another thing that he had in common with Britt, who likes to spoon me at night and trail her fingers there.
And like with Brittany, his touch was making me wet and it left me conflicted. I closed my eyes and crossed my arms over myself, trying to get my head together but then he spoke, and our eyes met. No matter what, he wouldn't be Brittany, he wouldn't be a girl...he wouldn't be that kind of love but the devotion that I felt to him surpassed all of that.
For once, I wanted to be his just to make up for hurting him and stringing him along. I wanted to give the only thing that I knew how to give because he saved my life.
"Ian." I began to say but he cut me off.
"Thank you, Santana." he said, still rubbing his hand ever so lightly back and forth.
He wrapped his hand around my thigh and pulled me closer to him. I was standing between his legs now and I shuddered when his breath danced over my stomach.
"F-for wh-what?" I stuttered out.
"For Isaac. This...staying sober. Everything that you have been to me in this short time, you could have been a total bitch to me, but you have allowed me into your life even when it has caused friction in your marriage, just so that I can know my son."
He leaned forward and pressed his lips against the scar.
"God." I muttered as his hand trailed up and down my naked thigh. As he touched me and kissed my stomach, I stood there feeling so many conflicting emotions knowing that in everything that I have done and have been through in the past year, never have I wanted to be with anyone else, not once I was officially with Britt, until now.
Now things were different.
I felt like I was being pulled apart at the seams every damned minute of every single day and this fucking moment right now was so perfect that I wanted to do whatever I could to make it last forever.
His lips lingered, kissing me from hip to hip, so very close to such an intimate place, I turned my mind off and before long found my hands pressed against the back of his head holding his lips there, encouraging him not to stop.
Everything that I had done up until now and even before didn't exist anymore. It seemed like until that moment he had been dealing with conflicting emotions as well but feeling my hands against him made him relax.
"I need you, just this once." He whispered to me and I nodded. "You're hers. I know that...but just for now...be mine?"
He knew that I loved Brittany, he knew that I was more committed to my relationship with her than to anything else in this world other than Isaac and still he asked this of me.
"We won't end up together. You know that?"
"I know." His hands trailed up my thighs and over my ass to my hips and then he leaned in and kissed my scar once more.
A groan left my lips when I felt him give in.
When I felt his hands gripped my ass tighter, I sighed and then felt ashamed when he leaned in and kissed the purple finger print shaped bruises on each of my hips. I hadn't even noticed them until he was working to kiss the pain and shame of being used by my own wife, away.
My wife.
Brittany.
Suddenly, I was attempting to stop myself even as I leaned into his touch.
"I-Ian...we should stop."
"We should but I don't want to, and I don't think you do either." he said as he kissed my scar again.
"But Britt." I said, and he smirked.
"She gave you a pass. I heard her...and you'd be crazy not to take it when she has Frankie pleasing her from afar."
I bit my lip as I considered his words, she'd told me to go for it and I wasn't going...but now...now I was ready to just shut my mind off. Our eyes met, and I could feel every crazy thought in my head stop which was a sober first.
"Fuck..." I muttered as his hands kneaded my ass. "Don't stop...just love me right now."
Ian didn't move his hands as he stood up and pulled me fully against him. I could feel how hard he was and then he pushed his trunks down and there was nothing to hide between us. I should have run for the hills right then, but it wasn't about him being a guy, me being gay or my being married right now. I ran my hands up his chest and pushed the towel off his shoulders and then leaned against his skin.
As I rested my head on Ian's chest, I thought of Isaac and when he was first born. The nurses insisted on that skin to skin contact, so that he could heal faster and feel love. What I didn't realize until this moment, was that it wasn't just Isaac that needed that kind of comfort and love...he wasn't the only one that could heal this way.
I was starting to think that I could to.
"Tell me now to stop, Santana because once I step in that shower with you it's on and I don't think that either one of us is going to be able to stop." he whispered.
I looked up at the father of my son and could hear Quinn warning me but then I remembered Britt changing the deal...the look in her eyes when she told me that she'd come back as the woman that I needed her to be. My mind went back to every bad thing that had happened to me and I knew that I couldn't stop. I think I wanted to know what if felt like to be loved by a man and not just being a piece of meat to him.
Right now, was just about me and Ian both needing and wanting to be loved not fucked. I was his first and from what he tells me his only, so I wasn't the only one that had been used and fucked. This was kind of my redemption...letting him have me...willingly. I was hoping that we could both heal, we just had to not think about what was outside this room and just be...we had to let love in.
"J-just t-take it slow, okay?" I said as I turned away from him and climbed under the steamy water. This would be it, after this, me and B would be even, and we could get serious and focus on fixing this marriage. We could start cutting the bullshit out and really start to love each other again.
The irony of me about to fuck a guy and Britt off to be with another girl, when she was the bisexual, didn't escape my mind for a second, we were each trying to cope the best way we knew how. Two married teenagers, still finding our way.
I looked up at Ian as he climbed in the shower and closed the curtain and suddenly I felt insanely shy. He brushed my hair from my face and then leaned down and kissed my lips.
His kisses weren't sugar sweet like Britt's or rough like Marco's, instead they just evoked comfort a lot like Quinn and it was just what I needed.
How long had it been since Quinn had kissed me and made me feel loved and when would I start seeking that from my wife, the one that I had chosen as my own.
My sobering mind was screaming at me to stop this but I couldn't...I had to do this so that I could see for myself if there was anything more for me and him and I needed to be reminded what it was that I loved in my wife that I hadn't been able to find anywhere else until now.
Our kisses were slow and tender, as I stood wrapped in his arms feeling the comfort that I had been seeking for so long. After a few moments the kisses while tender became more urgent and so he picked me up.
I hissed as he wrapped my legs around his waist, effectively pinning me against the wall while still allowing me a little space between us, so that I didn't freak out. Once I was situated with my ankles locked behind his back, I looked up at him and smiled while caressing his face with my fingertips.
"I can't believe we are really doing this, again." I whispered. "Let me hear you say it...just this once."
"Just this once." He said, he was breathing a little heavier now as I raked my nails over his back. "Are you okay? Do you want to stop?" His hands were clasping my ass as he pressed against me.
No guy had ever done that...no guy was this open and caring. Even with Noah, there was always some emotional barrier between us, stopping us from getting to this point. Ian would be an amazing husband to some lucky girl someday.
"Please, Ian? Just...please do it."
I leaned into him, pulling him closer with my legs and kissed his lips before pulling back and resting my head on the wall. He nodded and then readjusted himself and slowly slid home. I was still sore from earlier, but he was patient with me.
After we were flush against each other and I stopped clenching my eyes tightly shut and looked up at him, he smiled. My lips curved up and then, feeling a moment of guilt, I rested my head against his chest, not wanting to look in his eyes. He stopped his small thrusts, waiting me out to see if I would ask him to stop but I didn't.
"Move." I whispered.
I raised my head up and saw that he was trying to look me in my eyes. He was searching them for uncertainty, but he wouldn't find it.
When he was sure that I was looking back at him he began to move.
"Don't look away." He groaned as I gripped him from inside, like Marco had taught me to. "Focus on me." He said, and I forced myself to stay in this moment with him. He wanted me willing and present, so we maintained eye contact the whole time and never released the tight grip that we had on each other.
Ian was gentle and attentive to me the whole time, which I had been craving more than anything. He ended up resting his forehead against mine as we came together.
For a few minutes afterwards, I held him inside me, not wanting him to move just yet. I just needed that wholeness, to not feel used and thrown away for a few moments longer and he understood without me having to verbalize it.
"Why can't she be this for me? How can I get my love back?" I asked him. "I just miss this feeling with her, you know? Why doesn't she love me anymore?" I asked him as I sobbed tears of sadness, joy, anger, and love and he held me there, as I cried against his chest for the second time that day.
"Oh Mami, it's going to be alright, she still loves you, I just think that she is not looking at things from your side, we all have selfish moments. She's a bit lost right now but she still loves you."
I was astounded by this man, here he was still buried inside me, still pinning me to the wall but was comforting me about my wife.
"We can't do this again...I mean it." I mumbled into his chest after I got the tears to stop. He laughed and nodded in agreement.
"Yes, I wouldn't give in, even if you wanted to. I feel like we just healed some bleeding wound."
"Me too. Thank you, Ian."
"Thank you, Santana...now let's just hope you don't get pregnant...again."
I paused.
Fuck.
How could I forget...it's not like I had reason to be on the pill and then I thought of that day with Marco.
"Fuck! Are you kidding me?" I felt so stupid, "I guess we are just going to have to see what happens." I whispered.
With everything that happened and was about to happen in my marriage, I still didn't think having another baby was the worst thing that could happen to me now.
"I might need some space from you after this, just to respect Britt's space. I need that boundary...is that okay?"
"More than okay. It's time that I make my marriage official and get serious."
"I love you, Santana."
"I love you too."
The spell was broken and now we were back to being Santana and Ian.
A married lesbian and a quirky football player.
"We should get out." Ian said as he watched me daze off. I nodded as I let my feet drop, resting back on the ledge of the tub. He held me there and then leaned in, kissing my lips softly.
"I still need to shower." I whispered.
"Me too...remember, I jumped in that pool too. So, I should take one now since I'm already in here." he pulled out of me and rested me back on my feet. I smiled and stood under the water, we were okay. I had my back to him when he patted my ass, "Hey sweet cheeks, pass the soap."
Yep...we were okay.
There was an ache between my legs as I stood there under the water, disguising my tears as I rinsed myself. Ian dropped a kiss on my shoulder and then left me to have a moment to myself.
Even now, all I wanted was Brittany. I wanted her holding me, kissing me, and loving me. I turned off the shower and promised myself that I'd make this right as soon as I could. Once the divorce was final, Sal had instructions to submit our marriage documents immediately.
I took my time, drying my body and squeezing the water from my hair, wanting Ian to be long gone before I stepped out of the room. I didn't want him to get the wrong idea about what came next for us if I came out of the bathroom naked and he was still there. I wanted to enjoy my serenity a few minutes longer, so I took my time brushing out my hair and even began to hum to myself.
As I took one more moment to myself, I looked in the mirror and could see the change in my face. It looked slimmer and older, the stress and drugs were starting to fuck with my looks and I needed to get my shit under control or I'd look like hell.
There was a knock on the door and then Ian popped his head in, looking more serious than ever. I put my hand to his face and then leaned in and I plopped a big sloppy wet kiss on his lips.
"Go see Isaac and give him that for me okay? It's his goodnight kiss."
"Okay, but I won't be singing to him. I wouldn't want to damage his ears." He chuckled.
"Thank you for everything, Ian."
"No, thank you. Also," He dropped his voice to a whisper, "You might want to hurry up by the way. Your two friends were sitting on the bed when I came out and they looked pretty pissed off."
Once he was gone, I was left feeling like a void in my soul had been filled, like I could deal with the tough shit again. Like I could take some control back in my relationship.
Happiness filled me as I winked at my reflection.
I expected yelling and screaming when I stepped out into the guest room. What I didn't expect was to see my wife with huge tears in her ocean blue eyes, looking like a wounded puppy.
How long had she been there?
"Hey." she said quietly. "Your smile is still my favorite thing, baby." She gave me a sad smile and then brushed a tear as it fell.
"Hi Britt Britt...I thought you'd be in New York by now."
"I got to the airport and was in the terminal when Frankie called and told me that she was on her way to the beach for the weekend, so I turned back. I took it as a sign that I was doing the wrong thing."
"How long have you been here?"
"I got here sometime around the scar show and tell...I sat here through the rest. I think I needed to know how it felt...how you've felt every time that I've gone behind a locked door."
"Oh, B...that not...I wouldn't wish that on you, ever."
"I told you to do it, I guess I just didn't think you would. I couldn't bear to see him when I knew that he was coming out, so I sat in Quinn's room to calm down until he left...then I came back in here to wait for you."
"Oh."
"Your divorce is final on Tuesday and we will be official by Wednesday. So, really you cheated on Marco not me. I know that I promised to be done with Frankie by then and you did your part of the deal...so...how do we fix this? Is it possible?" She mumbled.
"I think that I'm going to stay here until it's official. I think that you and I need a breather before we start this thing over."
"So, another break, then?"
"No. I just need a few nights to clear my head."
"Are you planning to fuck him again?" There wasn't any anger in her voice, just a note of sadness.
"No. That was a onetime thing, B, doing it made me realize that you're all I want."
"Are you going to make out with Rachel again...the video that Olivia sent seemed pretty intense." And just like that, the jealousy was back.
"You see, Britt, this is why I need space...your jealousy is just too much. I am starting to feel like I don't know you anymore and I don't want it to be that way. I was trying to overlook you not taking your meds because I just thought you knew yourself best but then you denied me access to Isaac. You crossed a line that you promised to never cross if I was sober."
"I'm sorry Ana." She looked sad again.
"You're not sorry though, you've done nothing to prove that you're in this with me instead at some point I became a little slut to you and not your wife...your love."
She came towards me, opened her arms and I flinched away which made her hesitate.
"Are you afraid of me?"
"No." I whispered, trying to disguise my feelings.
"Yes, you are...I didn't mean for it to get this bad, just so you know."
"But it has." I said as I peeled off my towel and showed her the bruise that was breaking on my arm and the deep purple ones that were on my upper legs and hips. "And it gets worse each time."
"I'm so sorry." She whispered.
She was in my personal space now but without the anger or spite. I looked into her eyes and felt the spark that had been fading. I moaned as she lightly touched my face and kissed me. I kissed her back and felt her letting me take over. Her arm was around me now as she backed us up to the bed, but she didn't push me.
So, I pushed her, she laid back on the bed, tears in her eyes waiting for me. I hovered over her and pressed my lips to hers again.
Her touch was soft as she ran her fingers up and down my sides. I shivered, and she giggled. My Brittany was here with me and I had missed her so fucking much. She was hesitating as her hands ran over my ass and I needed more.
"Prove to me that you're sorry, B."
"I'm yours, Ana...whatever I have is yours."
"Good."
I laid next to her and threw my arm over her. "What I really want, B, is for you to take care of me like you used to. Touch me with love."
She smiled at me and then rolled off the bed. I laid there watching as she dug through my bag and pulled out a bottle of lotion.
"Lay on your stomach."
I rolled onto my stomach and spread out my arms and legs.
Britt took a moment to lock the door and then came back. She warmed the lotion between her hands and then blew on them before she spread her hands over my back. I groaned as her fingers worked my muscles.
And then, just lightly she began to hum our song, I Want to Dance with Somebody and I felt the tears come but they were ones of joy.
"Can I ask about what I heard?" She said, as she rubbed my lower back. "Just one thing?"
"Okay?"
"Do you really think that I stopped loving you?"
"Yes...at least not like you used to."
"Truthfully, baby, I did stop liking you for a while there. After you made yourself go into labor and you acted like YOU were the victim and stuff, I hated you so much. You are an adult, you can make choices, but he can't. I think I just forgot that you're human. I still love you though, I love you the most."
"I know I was selfish. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to him and to you if you'll let me."
"I'd like that. No matter how much time it takes, I just want you."
"What about Frankie?"
"It's over."
I wanted so much to believe her, but I just couldn't. Not with that tone...her tell was in her tone of voice and hers just gave her away.
She continued to rub me down, but I wasn't in it like I had been before.
When I was on my back and she was rubbing my stomach and then my thighs, I looked in her eyes and waited for her to be looking at me, her hands going still.
"I still need some time to be what you need, and I think you still need to figure things out with her."
She stood back and crossed her arms over her chest. I could tell she wanted to argue but then she just nodded.
"Okay."
"I love you, B."
"I love you too." She leaned over and kissed me again, with just a little force but not too much. It was the perfect kiss and I wanted more of it, but I needed her to be consistent with me.
I needed a partner, a best friend, and a wife, for real this time.
My euphoria was gone, replaced by tears and anxiety over what came next.
I was so fucking tired of the tears.
And then I was throwing up my walls again, I had left them down way too long.
Britt was going to have to find her way back to my heart.
Late that night, I found myself craving a release and knew that I didn't have to go far to get what I needed. I wanted drugs badly. All I wanted was to erase the emotions that were rolling around inside of me, but I had been clean for almost a month and wanted to keep it that way.
You awake?-S
If u need me 2 b-Q
Is Rachel here?-S
Yes, but u can come lay w/ us...it's not a good sleepover if u r over there by yourself...come on-Q
Right now, Q would keep me grounded and I needed to lean into that. The plan was for me to just stay with them for a little until the cravings passed.
Rachel and Quinn lay spooning watching a movie, looking insanely cute and I felt bad intruding on their time, especially knowing that graduation was the date they'd settled on to end things. Normally, I would have just turned back around but I needed Q more than anything at the moment and I knew that Rachel understood that.
Q saw the emotions playing all over my face and lifted her arm for me. I crawled onto the bed and backed up against her. She kissed my bare shoulder and then hugged me tight.
"I'm here, San. I love you and I'm glad you came to me."
"Tighter." Was my only response and she squeezed me tighter.
We laid together watching some stupid movie in silence for a few minutes. Just before I drifted off I could feel the craving itch under my skin and couldn't stop my restless leg shaking. Right then, just a little coke would go a long way, but I couldn't.
"Q?"
"Hmmm?"
"Hold me tighter...please...I can't leave this room right now?"
"Where are the drugs?" She asked lazily. "Are they close?"
"Where else...in my car."
"When did you get more?"
"There was always more. You were right."
"I didn't want to be." She sighed.
"I've been testing myself, you know to see if I could resist."
"That was a dangerous thing to do, San."
"I know. I came over here because I know that and now I want it so badly."
"You can't go back to drugs, San, you have been so good." Quinn hugged me closer and kissed my head. "I love you most when you are sober."
"Which spot are they in?" Rachel asked as she rolled out of the bed and she slipped into her shoes.
"Uh...the console and the ashtray. There are four, I swear."
"Are you sure?" Rachel said raising an eyebrow. "I thought we were past the lies?"
She had her hands on her hips and I couldn't help but smile as the TV illuminated her silhouette.
"One last hoorah...the fifth one is in my duffel bag in the guest room."
"You brought that shit into my house? Santana...why?"
"Don't know, I wasn't thinking straight earlier. I'm sorry."
"Thank you for the honesty. I will take care of it. Quinn keep her here until I get back." Rachel said without looking back.
I turned onto my stomach and turned my face towards Quinn's. She looked into my eyes and let out a sweet smile.
"Stop thinking so hard sweetie. Get some sleep and we will figure it out in the morning." she rubbed my hair out of my face and then leaned in and kissed my nose, then my lips.
Her lips felt different, colder and I knew that our dynamic had shifted, and I hated it.
"Thanks for everything Lucy Q" I rubbed my nose against hers just like we have done since we were kids and then kissed her forehead. "I love you...so very much!"
"I love you too, Sanny Poo!"
I stared into Quinn's eyes until I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer and fell asleep in her arms feeling like everything was going to work out.
I woke up early Saturday morning before sunrise, with a bad shake and itching even worse, I couldn't hold the feelings in any longer.
My thirst was out of control and so was my ability to stand fully. My whole body hurt, and I just needed to be numb.
I went back to the guest room and got dressed as quietly as possible, knowing that while Q wasn't an early riser, Rachel was.
The cravings were taking over and I was moving on autopilot again. I looked down at my phone and threw it in my pocket at the last second even though I wanted to be off the grid.
I was just feeling way too much.
When I got to my car, I took one last look at Quinn's and then tossed my bag into the back seat. I was crossing a line and I wasn't sure if I'd make it back home alive if I'm honest.
Then I thought of my son and I sat there in Quinn's driveway for a moment tracing my son's face on my phone for a long moment before I backed onto the street.
Lima was in my rear view and I was tempted to leave it there, just keep driving east until I hit water but instead, I pulled onto the highway and headed west.
The sun began to rise as I drove right out of Ohio and into Indiana. I turned on the country station and took a few back roads until finally I was in the woods, driving down a path that I hadn't been down in a decade, not since my dad brought me to see the stars as a kid.
I pulled the car down another path and then parked.
Although I had come out here for peace, I knew that I should be aware of what was going on back home, especially with Isaac still in the hospital.
I'd driven three hours straight and knew that my absence was noticed by now. I picked up my phone to a bunch of messages.
Where r u?-Q
San don't do it...please?-Q
You didn't tell me where everything was, did you? :(-Rachel
I called B if u don't text back we r going 2 go out looking 4 u-Q
Mami...come home-Ian
I never thought you were weak...I want my Ana back :(-B
Please, come home. I'm sorry 4 everything. Please?-B
After seeing that last text from my wife I turned the phone on silent and tossed it to the bottom of my purse. Mean then nice...her trend exhausted me.
I took a deep breath, finally settling on what I was going to do and then pulled up the steering wheel. My last bag in the entire world...my emergency bag. I had so much to work on, but this addiction was priority number one after today.
This was it...I wouldn't do it anymore.