Chapter 56: I Try (Macy Gray)

My hands were steady as I poured out the pure white powder onto the console.

Why was it so beautiful to me?

I grabbed my credit card and divided the lines out.

Four lines...that's what I saw as my last hurrah.

I tried to ignore the rolling in my gut that was telling me to stop. No amount of hesitation could sway me, I needed this...at least...I thought I did.

No more thinking!

I rolled up a loose dollar bill that was in my purse and told my conscience to go fuck itself. Doing everything to clear my mind, I leaned in closer to the console and then closed off my right nostril. I was really doing this.

A few weeks after I denounced cocaine, I was breaking a self-imposed sobriety that I had been so proud of.

Just stop thinking, Lopez.

I closed my eyes for a second and then I felt my mind go clear and as I lined up the rolled-up bill with the first line, all my stress was gone and then finally, I was ready.

I was really doing this...screw the consequences.

When I pulled it all in with one deep breath, the rush was immediate and so was the sting. It was like brain freeze but it wasn't cold...it burned and then it was numb.

Not so bad, I was still okay, so the next time, I didn't hesitate as I leaned in and sucked in two more lines with ease. My head was now buzzing, my heart was racing, and my body was trembling with all this extra energy and even though I felt like I could run a marathon, I would force myself to nap after this just to burn through it a little faster.

I knew how horny I got when I was high, and I didn't want to do anything else that was as stupid as taking my wife up on a deal that wouldn't do anything but drive us further apart. I should have asked her to stay with me last night and just hold me, but I had sent her away. I had to start making better decisions.

My mind went blank and I suddenly thought of my son, his beautiful eyes and his happy smiling face. I felt remorse as I let the high consume me. I wasn't cheerful like I used to be on coke, sadness filled me because this was going to give Britt more reason to keep me from him.

Tears burned my eyes and I blocked off my thoughts of him, at this point I just needed to finish what I had started. I couldn't go back on my plan. I sucked in the last line quicker than the ones before it wanting to get this over with. There was stray residue covering the black leather of the console, so I took out my credit card and lined everything up and got almost half a line.

I felt a great sense of achievement at not having wasted any, I didn't even bother with the dollar bill this time around, I just pressed my nose down and sniffed it up.

"Ahhh...fuck." I said as the pulsing in my veins increased. There was a dribble on my lips and I knew that a nose bleed was starting.

So, I sat there for a moment and kept my head back as I enjoyed the popping behind my eyes. I was definitely high, and I was not having a bad trip.

Thank God.

After I was sure that the bleeding had stopped, I wiped the blood away. Then, I allowed those blue eyes to drown out my thoughts...all those blue eyes.

Brittany's.

Ian's.

Isaac's.

I had to be better for them...all of them. I opened my glove box and pulled out a baby wipe to clean off the console and any traces of blood. Using another wipe, I wiped my face clean and let whatever residual tears come before wiping them away.

My lips looked dry, so I licked at them before digging a lip gloss from my cup holder.

As I did my lips in the mirror, a bit of red started to come down from my nose and I looked in my own eyes. Pupils blown and nostrils red. I grabbed a tissue and blew my nose until the blood stopped.

I felt my eyes itching and so reached into my purse for my eye drops to knock away the rusty feeling immediately. I wiped things down again, redid my lip gloss and then stared at my reflection again.

Despite how good I looked, I felt like I couldn't keep my eyes open. The high was too good. So, I crawled into my back and used my duffel bag as a pillow. Sleep was taking me down quickly as I laid in the sun with the top down. It was insane for me to just be taking naps like this out in the open as a person of color in America.

I could wake up dead but the high wouldn't let me move.

"God please just cover me." I whispered until I completely gave in to sleep.

When I woke up again, the sun was blazing, and I hadn't kicked my high yet even though I knew for a fact that some time had passed. When I looked at my watch, I saw that it had been five hours since I left Quinn's house and two since I'd fallen asleep.

Usually my high lasted no more than an hour, so I was surprised that it was still buzzing around in my head. As I came down, I found myself searching the car for more.

Then, I remembered the box that Quinn had lovingly cleaned out for me and opened it. There right where I left it after cutting up that half brick at Marco's.

Rachel must have not checked anywhere that I hadn't told her about.

How was that even possible?

She must still trust me more than my wife and Quinn do...or at least she did until now.

I opened the bag and poured it inside the box, my heart was racing as I took in what was left of Marco's high-grade coke.

There wasn't a lot there, a little more than a bump but not a full line.

It was only enough to buzz me but not cause me to crash on my way home.

This was it...seriously!

I couldn't contain my excitement and then I caught my reflection in the review mirror.

Dilated pupils, sweaty forehead and ashy lips.

Addict.

"Britt's right, I am weak. Alright Mr. Blow...you are it for me, after this, I am going to have to say goodbye."

I saluted the little mountain and then giggled like a school girl about my silliness. I couldn't believe the good mood that I found myself in.

Just ride, Lopez.

I made sure to snort every bit of coke that was in that box, returning it to pristine condition. My head was immediately clear, and everything was suddenly vibrant and bright to me.

Shit!

I began my cleaning routine one last time and used a baby wipe to clean everything, including the inside of the box. My heart was racing, and the world seemed rainbow tinted...yup definitely still a lesbian!

I laughed to myself.

Feeling better than I had in a very long time, I turned on the car, finally ready to face my family and friends.

I buckled up...can never be too safe and then cut the music up.

I pulled back from the path and headed back down the highway towards Lima. I had three hours on the open road to get my head straight.

Right then, I felt resolved and steady kind of like after rehab only I felt settled that I needed to start living sober for myself so that I could be better to everyone else. I just wanted to get home to my love and make things right.

I suddenly started humming that song that Rachel sang last year...Get it Right...la la la.

That's what I wanted to do.

Get shit right for once.

When I was just outside town, I noticed that my tank was low, so I pulled into a gas station to fill up and grab a pack of cigarettes.

At some point on my way back to the pump, it dawned on me that I should call someone and let them know where I am because I had probably freaked some people out since it was nearly dinner time.

Gosh, I'm so generous and considerate but then I thought, one more person in my business so I changed my mind. My high had faded but my mood was still all the way up.

If they'd waited for me this long, they could wait a little longer. It was too soon to file a missing persons report, so I knew that the cops wouldn't be looking for me either. I wasn't a minor anymore, there wasn't much they could do if I wasn't committing any crimes.

Suddenly feeling thirsty, I downed a bottle of water that I didn't even realize that I had grabbed and then lit a cigarette.

Britt doesn't like cigarettes, so this had been my first one since finding out about Marco coming home and I took a nice long drag holding the smoke in for a moment before letting out smoke rings.

My body relaxed, and I allowed the peace of my faded high to soak through my bones.

Before I pulled off, I linked my car to my phone and then pulled back onto the road.

Between the cigarette and my light buzz, there was nothing stopping my happiness and I was really enjoying it.

Why hadn't I been happy before this?

Right...my wife hates me!

I had been dancing in my seat with Miranda Lambert.

Right then, I felt just like the girl in the song, knowing that I was prettier than the rest of the twigs on the Cheerios. As I sung at top volume my stereo cut out and my Bluetooth connected to my phone and started ringing.

"Ugh...Rude!" I said to the car, lightly slapping the steering wheel.

"Phone call from Ian."

I hit the answer button, okay fine I would talk to baby daddy.

"Hey, Papa Bear."

"Hey! Thank God! Are you okay?"

"Yep. What's up?"

"What's up? Uh...I was worried about you...you just dropped off the map for like twelve hours...did you...ugh...did you get high?" he sighed in distress and it made me worry for the first time all day.

I didn't answer his question though.

"I'm sorry that I worried you. I just needed to clear my head. I'm pulling into Lima now. I'll see you later okay."

"When?"

"I'll call you tomorrow, right now all my words are for Brittany."

"Promise me that you will call me, Please?!"

"I will call you honey okay? Relax. Did you see Isaac today?"

"Yes. He's ready to come home sometime this week."

"No shit! Really?"

I had decided to quit drugs at the right time!

"Yea."

"When did you find this out?"

"Just this morning. Brittany called me, since she couldn't get in touch with you, she thought maybe you were with me."

"Of course, she did. Britt's silly like that."

"You sure that you're okay?"

"I'm so fucking happy right now, Ian!"

"Yea, me too."

"I'll call you, got to go, bye!"

I have been driving the streets of Lima, sneaking out at night stealing my dad's cars and picking up Quinn and later Britt, since I was fourteen. I took joy rides whenever I could and had never been found out until that time I crashed into the courthouse drunk on my fifteenth birthday.

So much had happened in my life since then and now here I was again driving as fast as I could down the streets towards home feeling high and mighty.

My music stopped again because of the phone was ringing again.

"Shit...I can't get through a song!"

"Phone call from B."

I pushed the accept button, as I flew past McKinley in a blur.

"What do you think that you're doing, Santana?!"

"Driving."

"I know that…you nearly just hit me!"

"What? I didn't see you! Where are you?"

"I was about to cross the street to the apartment, I was out for a run."

I pulled over and then backed up down the street, tires squealing as I sped backwards towards my apartment building and sure enough there stood B on the sidewalk looking panic stricken.

"Sorry!"

"Park the car and come inside."

"I can't, I was headed to the tree house."

"Can you just come inside for a bit...please?"

"No...not right now, B."

"Why not?"

"I don't want you to hurt me."

"I took my medicine, I've dealt with my anger. Your words yesterday struck a nerve. Can you just please park the car and come upstairs before someone calls the cops."

"Fine!"

I whipped the car around and pulled into my usual parking space beside her truck. Britt finally felt safe enough to cross the street and come up the path towards the building, after she knew that I was parked, and the car was off. My high was gone now but my good mood remained...for now. I put the top up, grabbed my duffel and got out.

I met her at the bottom of the steps. Her eyes were searching mine and mine were searching hers. She wanted to know I wasn't on drugs and I wanted to know that she was.

The love was there and so I leaned up and pressed my lips to hers. She ran her fingers up and down my arms and kissed me back.

"I love you, baby. I'm sorry I called you weak."

"You were right, I am or at least I was. I'm going to be better."

We stood there looking at each other for a moment, trying to feel each other out. What the hell, why not...I'm supposed to be fixing shit. I held my pinky out and she smiled as she linked hers with mine, happy that I wasn't banishing her anymore.

We held onto each other all the way up the stairs, down the hall, and to the door of our apartment. Once we were inside, I could smell fresh paint.

"What were you doing in here?"

"Getting Izzy's room ready."

"Without me? Wait...did you talk to the super?"

"I did, he said as long as we paint it white before we leave, it's fine."

"Cool, cool. So again, without me?"

"You have kind of been missing since this morning…I needed to keep myself busy until you turned up."

I nodded my head and allowed her to pull me towards the second bedroom. She hadn't been kidding, from the looks of the complete nursery, she had been busy.

The walls were swirls blue and I was in love.

"It's beautiful, B."

"Go in and check out the stuff that I got for him…Quinn helped."

There was a beautiful oak crib and a matching glider that sat beside it.

"When did you buy all this?"

"That crib was mine...Mom wanted us to have it."

"Oh my, that's amazing B!"

"This morning…everyone was in a panic and I sent you that horrible text…sorry about that. I couldn't cry anymore so I just went to see my mom."

"You did?"

"I told her everything that I've been doing and then I told her how I pushed you into someone else's arms. She was super mad about me being rough with you and not taking my pills. Then she helped me get my head straight."

"That's amazing. Remind me to buy her something pretty."

"I will. She gave me this crib and told me that I needed to start showing you that I was all in. So, I stopped at the store and got some paint. I talked to the super and he was excited for us, then I started painting. I called Ian and we talked…he told me how much he was sorry for overstepping and that he would back off a bit and then he offered to come help me with the room, and so he did."

"Really? You and Ian? Did all of this...together?"

"Yea."

"I can't believe that you did all of this today! You are so amazing B."

"Thanks."

"Wow." I said as I stepped back into the kitchen.

The combination of the drying paint and the drugs in my system, making my head hurt and my nose tingle. I was headed for a hangover...great! Make the best of it Lopez...be in the moment.

Smile.

And so, I did, I turned towards Britt and I smiled.

She looked nervous and I could tell that she was weighing her words carefully.

I touched her face and kissed her again. She was all softness and warmth that I hadn't thought I deserved but I wasn't going to think like that anymore.

"Now that you have seen what I have been doing since you disappeared, why don't we sit down and talk about what you have been doing."

I paused and looked at her in shock.

How did she know? I made sure to come back home sober.

But she was my best friend, she knew me better than I knew myself some days.

"Right now, B?"

"Is your high gone?"

"Well yea…it is."

"Then yes…right now. I can't go another day like this…living like this. We have got change this whole arrangement."

"Which one…as of right now we have several of them…Ian…Frankie…the abuse…which one, B?"

Her lip quivered but her eyes were serious. I had called her out and she looked like she was listening instead of getting violent.

Maybe she wanted to get things right, too.

"All of it. We can order pizza and we can sit here and work through this stuff, so that by the time we go to pick up Isaac on Friday, we will be able to be the best parents ever."

"Okay, B."

"Good. So, I talked to Rachel and she gave me some ideas on how we could get through talking."

"Oh great!"

"Hey, no sarcasm, you love Rachel. Let's see how well her ideas work with us because honestly I'm all out of ideas Ana."

"Me too…I thought last night…ugh."

"Yea…ugh is right."

She winked as she picked up her phone and started texting.

"What are you doing, B?"

"Letting people know that you aren't in a ditch dead somewhere and that I am taking care of this."

And just like that, I wasn't so sure that I wanted to do things her way.