Chapter 62: Trust (Keyshia Cole ft. Monica)
Britt's alarm went off early the next morning and I jerked awake, hurting myself in the process. I was propped up against the headboard, crying out as I tried to readjust the way I was sitting.
"Sorry, baby!" Britt said as she turned off the alarm. "We have our last cheer competition this weekend and Sue says I can't miss the next few workouts."
"It's a school day...I forgot!" I said, moving to sit up but Britt put her hand on my leg.
"You're staying home today and tomorrow, you can go back fresh and rested on Monday. Gladys is going to be here in an hour to look after you."
"Why?" I groaned, really wanting to just be home with B and no one else.
"Because you have fractured ribs and you're going to need help. You can't stay in bed all day but you also, are having trouble washing yourself and wiping your own ass. So, I talked to her last night after you were asleep. She agreed to come help you."
"She's not going to stay over, is she?"
"Maybe?" Britt looked guilty.
"Brittany!" I groaned.
"Santana!" She said, with an eye roll. "We have a guest room and she is lonely. Do you know that she's spent the last few months since your dad died, spending time with all of your sisters? With your dad gone, she's on this mission to make sure that they all feel like they still have him around."
"Meanwhile, her actual child has been in Lima all sorts of fucked up." I grumbled, wanting to cross my arms over my chest as I watched Britt get up and start getting dressed.
"That's why you need to let her come here, it's your turn to spend time with her. She's lonely without your dad. You remind her of him maybe that's why she needed the space from you and this town."
"Did she tell you all of this?" Britt had just put her toothbrush in her mouth, so she just nodded and stuck her thumb up. "Fine, if she asks to stay...I'll think about it."
Britt spit and rinsed and then came back into the room.
"That's all I ask...I'll be gone this weekend since competition is in Erie...so you'll need the help. Admit it."
I closed my eyes and tried to ignore her. She let me get away with it while she brushed her hair and put on her socks but when she was done, I felt her hovering.
When I opened my eyes, I was staring into her blues and it was entrancing.
"You're beautiful." I whispered.
"So are you even when you're being a brat."
"Do you have time for breakfast?" I asked.
"Nope but I do have time to set you up on the couch, if you want."
"Bathroom first, I have morning breath and I gots to pee."
She nodded and helped me up. It ached so fucking bad but leaning on Britt helped a whole lot. She even brushed my teeth for me. It wasn't that I couldn't lift my own arms it just hurt like hell, plus I was just milking this whole spoiling me thing and she knew it.
"I have practice before and after school today and tomorrow, so you're going to need to see what things you can manage on your own if you don't want your mom here for weeks. Quinn is still in that cast for four more months so she's out as your nurse. Your last resort is Rachel but ever since her and Q started their war from the other day...Q says she's been extra mean."
"A mean hobbit? I'd kinda like to see that." I joked, and Britt rolled her eyes.
"No messing with Rachel to amuse yourself. It's not nice."
"I have never claimed to be nice, Britt Britt."
I stood in the window as I watched Britt run across the street in that short skirt. The wind blew up the pleats and I shivered when I saw that shapely ass in those spanks.
Down girl.
"Do you always leave your front door unlocked?" I turned towards the door, Mami stood there a bag over her shoulder and a pot in her hands. I could smell the rice and wanted to grab the pot, but I knew I couldn't lift that thing. So instead I kissed her cheek and shut the door behind her.
"Obviously not, especially with Marco roaming the streets. Bendicion, by the way."
She put the pot on the stove and then started unloading her bag onto the kitchen table. My nose caught the scent before my eyes. Immediately my mouth was watering as she put a container on the table, took off the lid and dropped a spoon in.
"Que Dios te bendiga, now, come eat, you're too skinny, mi'ja."
All my life, my mother's harina was the best I'd ever tasted. Abuela's didn't even compare and I knew she always was annoyed by it. Unfortunately, Mami was never around so I usually had to either attempt it myself or settle for Abuela's. After watching Mami make it a hundred times, I got mine as close to hers as possible but still, hers was perfect.
"Say less, Mami."
I sat at the table and tried to lift my hand to my lips but failed, miserably dropping the spoon into the container and splashing some of the harina onto the table.
"Ay, mi'ja. Do I need to feed you like a bebe? Is this my punishment for leaving you to your own devices while you were young?"
"This isn't a dream come true for me, I'll be 19 in a few weeks, I'm grown but...can you just...help me?"
"Of course, pero why didn't you get drugs for this?"
I glared at her.
"Because I'm a drug addict. I don't need to add one more thing to my addicted list."
"Maybe just for the first week? We can all keep an eye on you, it would help you heal."
"Fine. I'll call it in."
"No matter, I filled your prescription...toma." She put down two pills on the table.
My eyebrow arched but then so did hers.
I felt like a tantrum was coming on and I was clearly not a child.
"Really? I'm 18, Mami. I have a kid of my own!"
"And you'll see, Dios se quiere, one day you'll see that being a mother never stops."
I nodded and then looking away from her, opened my mouth. She scooped harina in along with the two pills and I swallowed.
"Gross." I grumbled.
I sucked up my pride and sat there while Mami fed me the rest of my breakfast and then she wiped my face. I'm not going to lie, it kind of felt good for her to care for me like that. I had earned her attention over the years.
Mami helped me to the bathroom and then to the couch, putting pillows under my arms so that it would be able to lift them. Then she left me with some novela, that she said Damariz and Brenda got her into. It didn't take me long to get into it too. Even as the pills kicked in and I felt sleep creeping in on me, I was enraptured. Two episodes later, Mami came back into the living room with two mugs of coffee and handed me one.
The mug was only half full but it was piping hot. I didn't want to move but she insisted that I grab it.
"You need to keep moving or you risk getting mucus build up on your lungs."
"How do you know this?"
"From the one and only time your father put his hands on me. I broke a rib much worse than those little fractures you have. I actually needed to have surgery."
"Papi hit you?" My chest hurt at the thought. She lifted up her shirt and showed me a scar that ran along her ribs.
I was shocked. She dropped her shirt and then shrugged.
"He shoved me out of his way and I hit my rib on marble stairs. I threatened to sue him for everything he was worth and get his medical license revoked. Never again did he lift a hand because he knew that day would be his last day walking this Earth."
"Wow."
"I know...you probably want to know why he was still breathing when he hit you all the time."
I nodded not really looking at her as the tears came down, I didn't bother to wipe them, I just concentrated on lifting the mug without straining myself. The coffee was almost as good as the harina, I could not put it down.
"Yeah."
"I don't have an answer. Part of me wanted you to fight back, kick his ass...the other part felt like you started fights with him on purpose."
My head whipped toward her and I felt the growl in my throat.
"Nunca, Mami. I would never want something like that. You were supposed to protect me...maybe that's why God only let you have me."
If she was hurt by my words, she didn't show it. She just nodded.
"If I could go back, I would have stopped him every time. I would have taken you far away, but I knew that no matter where I went, he'd follow. There was nothing that would have stopped him...until the end...when finally, Sandra got through to him. Then Damariz got through to him. It took his own children for him to see his mistakes."
"Really?"
"I'm sorry, Nanita, you always deserved better than you got. Always. That's why you make terrible decisions, you feel like you deserve to be hurt and unloved."
"I used to feel like that when I was alone but first Quinn showed me a glimpse of what I could have and then all the pain was nothing once I got to know Brittany."
"Ah, yes, that girl. I wasn't sure about her at first, I was always pulling for Quinn to become my daughter, but Brittany has grown on me."
"Yeah?"
"Yes." Mami scrunched up her nose and then drained her cup like it had liquor in it and then I thought, with the way that she was spilling all her secrets that maybe it did.
"Mami, you are so adorable sometimes."
"Sometimes? I'm adorable ALL the time...get it straight!"
"And you say my cockiness comes from Papi!"
She got up from her seat and prepared more coffee for us both. I could tell we were in for a long overdue conversation and I was game.
Jail had given me a lot to think about and priorities to evaluate.
"So...you and Brittany made up in New York?"
"No. We actually broke up in New York, but it doesn't seem to have stuck since then I feel closer to her than ever."
"Good sometimes ending things actually brings two people together. All that pressure of maintaining the relationship can be exhausting."
"Yea...it's great, we are working on trusting each other again and when the time comes, we'll get remarried when we are BOTH ready."
"You'll get there."
"I hope so."
"Let's talk about something equally as important."
"Okay."
"I went to see Isaac early this morning and he wasn't doing so well. The drugs will haunt him for life and it's terrible, mi'ja."
"I know."
"Hear me out...I know seeing him this way makes you realize the big mistake that you made. I just want to be certain that you won't be doing it again. I'm not judging you because Lord knows when he is old enough, you have to be honest with him and tell him what you did, and I just hope that he is forgiving like me and not vengeful like you or your father."
"Mami, I-"
"I'm not done. I know that you want to leave Lima as soon as you can and get out to the city. I know that you think that you are going to be able to conquer the world and mi'ja trust me when I say that I hope you do it with grace, looking amazing like me, and in stilettos. You have what it takes to be somebody big, somebody important but if you don't start loving yourself the way I love you or the way Quinn loves you...you are going to fall back into your old ways fast. Don't give me that look, I know you love Brittany but Quinn loves you better than most anyone. She loves hard just like you do and you could stand to learn some self love from her."
"I know, she's pretty good at putting herself first."
"As you grow away from this addiction and trouble with the law, you'll grow into being a good Mami and hopefully that will start with you remembering that you come first. If you start putting yourself first, maybe Brittany will start to do the same."
"Okay." I said, feeling a lump in my throat as she spoke.
"You have been headed off the edge of a cliff and I'm partly to blame but as you like to remind me, you are an adult, so you need to own your shit. I don't want to see you fail again because it brings down everyone. Seeing you in jail, scared and beaten down is something I pray to never see again. That's not what I want for you and Brittany and especially not for Isaac."
"I agree with you Mami. I know what I have done, and I am still trying to forgive myself-"
"The time for that is passed. You will begin to forgive yourself naturally. As you take care of Isaac and raise him up right you will start to see that it is his forgiveness and love that you need more than anything. Love yourself and you will be able to love your wife and son better. So, no more sleeping around seeing that number in your file nearly gave me a heart attack, and I knew that you did drugs but seeing it in your drug tests...by God, I was horrified, so please, mi'ja, no more drugs and please just try to stay out of trouble!"
"I will."
"Good, now let's go to your room...I have something that should help with the pain aside from those two painkillers."
I took a breath and realized that the pills had kicked in. She smiled at me when she saw my realization.
Mami ran a hot bath for me and then put some herbs in the water, she mumbled to herself as she went and then had me sit in there.
"Is this some old ritual?" I joked, and she raised an eyebrow. "Right, say less."
It was like sitting in a tub of icy hot but in the best way. She rolled a towel and put it behind my neck, then she began to sing softly to me in Spanish as I closed my eyes. Most people would be embarrassed with their mother sitting in the bathroom with them while they bathed but she had raised me to be so comfortable with my body so being nude in front of her didn't phase me.
She made me, what was there to hide.
Besides...try getting out of a deep jacuzzi tub with cracked ribs and then tell me you wouldn't have someone helping you!
Mami sat on the edge of the tub and talked to me about my family that she had spent the last few months flying around the country to see. I heard about cousins and people who I didn't know from a hole in the wall. As I sat there listening to her speak to me, it made me feel important to her, like I was her best girlfriend or something.
I loved it.
After successfully getting me out of the tub and then rubbing me down with a towel, I stood in my bedroom as she rubbed some old Puerto Rican remedy on my ribs. The ache subsided and turned into a tingle. My chest still hurt to the touch but as I stood there fresh out of a hot bath and allowed my mom to take care of me just like I had always wanted, I knew that it would fade quickly.
I was dressed in one of my father's old button-down shirts that she gave me, lying across my bed with my head in her lap as she rubbed my head and then began to talk about us.
"I know I wasn't always there for you when you needed me Santana, but I want you to know that I am here now. I want to be in your life...I'm glad I'll be home for a little while."
"Yea? You don't think I failed while you were away?"
"No...You are just like your father so afraid to fail, so afraid to let people help you."
"I know."
"I know that you and Brittany have been having problems, I know about her and that girl."
"How do you know?"
"Because Brittany tells her mother everything and her mother tells me since I know you won't."
"So, you know about what I did on Friday night then?"
"With that boy?"
"Ian."
"Yes...I know about that."
"And you know about...the divorce papers?"
"You mean, sleeping with that pendejo so he'd sign them. Yes...which is why you need to stop leaving your door unlocked."
"He hasn't bothered me since."
"You know Marco, lulls you into a sense of security and then he attacks."
"Like Papi."
"One and the same in that aspect."
"Are you ashamed of me?"
"I could never be ashamed...disappointed sometimes but never ashamed."
"I didn't use a condom either time."
"So, you might be pregnant again?"
"Possibly."
"How does Brittany feel about this?"
"She isn't happy about me doing that with Ian and she is worried that Marco will come back around, if I'm pregnant I think this might ruin our relationship for good if I am."
"I've seen her with Isaac, she loves him as if he is her own blood. Another child wouldn't break you...but you carrying on with Ian again might. I know you're done with Marco, but Ian is dangerous for you."
"Yeah I know. After spending alone time with Britt in New York, I came back, and I didn't feel the same about him."
"Your curiosity was satisfied. You've always needed to experience everything, good or bad. I wish I could blame that on your father but that's very much from me. What do you think about possibly being pregnant again?"
"I'm thinking that I wouldn't mind. I want my own family more than anything and after all the things that happened this year I'm not sure I want to be a lawyer. You had me and stopped practicing for a while, is motherhood what stopped you?"
"Getting my law degree opened a lot of doors for me but I don't regret staying home with you for your first few years either."
"I want to be home with Isaac."
"So, are you shelving Columbia?"
"I'm not sure."
"You have plenty of people to help you take care of him."
"He's just really sick...I did that to him, I can't let him suffer through that and I'm off somewhere living my life."
"So maybe take a year off. You can afford to do it...there are girls out there that wish they had the luxury."
"Would you want to move to New York with us, Mami? It would make me feel better that you're not here alone."
"I don't know."
"Promise me you'll think about it?"
"I promise...now try to rest."
I closed my eyes and drifted into a half sleep. I had a lot to think about. Seeing Isaac so sick made me just want to be with him and take care of him full-time. I wanted so much for him and if there was another baby on the horizon, I wanted to be home. I wouldn't be my parents.
I wanted to be present in my kid's life...always.
I woke up hours later in my bed with B snoring lightly in my ear. The sting in my ribs had decreased significantly, although it still hurt to breathe. I pulled Britt's arms tighter around me and tried to go back to sleep but my mind was racing.
"Ana? You ok?" Britt mumbled into my ear nearly scaring me half to death.
"Sorry I woke you."
"It's okay. I wanted to check on you anyway, Sue was crazy today...I wish you were there."
"If I'm up for it, maybe I'll come tomorrow afternoon."
"Awesome, so what has you up at this hour, baby?"
"What would you think of me waiting a year or two before I go to school?"
"If that's what you want to do, then I think you should do it."
"Yea?"
"Izzy needs around the clock care and everyone has been saying how when he is with you he is the best."
"Yea. You're right, B...I think that's what I'm going to do."
"Okay. Well, um...are we still going to New York then?"
"Why wouldn't we...you are still going to Julliard...right? Have you decided?"
"What if this is my only chance? What if this tour is the thing that opens doors for me? I mean Julliard is the chance of a lifetime but so is this tour."
"Do you want to go on the tour, B?"
"Yes."
"Will they still take you?"
"Yes."
"Then go."
"Really?"
"Yes. I know this means a lot to you...so you should go."
"What about you and Izzy?"
"I will have Quinn and Sandra...I can also probably convince my mom to come stay with us."
"And Ian?"
"What about him?"
"He will be right at Julliard if you need him. I'm okay with it now."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. I know we are forever and nothing will change that."
"Ok."
"I'm excited...I'm going to miss you and Isaac so much, but we can Skype every day that I'm free."
"B?"
"Yea?"
"Do you think anything will happen between you and Frankie?"
"No. I'm done with that. With her. Always and only you Ana."
I smiled huge and snuggled closer to B. Despite the shitty week...some definite progress had been made in my relationship and some serious decisions were about to change my future.
Friday morning, Britt was up before her alarm walking around with no clothes on and I just sat there watching her. Every time she'd moved all night, it jerked me awake so I had only slept about 3 hours all night. Now I was just sitting there enjoying the show.
This is how it always went when there was a competition, she'd parade around practicing the routine naked and I was sad that this was the last cheer event of the year...or ever really.
At some point, I had opened my legs and my fingers were lazily rubbing at my clit. I couldn't go much faster because it hurt to go fast. Then like she'd sniffed me out from the bathroom, her head popped in the room.
"What are you doing?"
"Hmm?"
Then she was drying her hands on a towel and crawling on the bed, in between my open legs face first. I looked down at her as she watched my fingers moving.
"You smell so good in the mornings, is it safe for me to taste you?" She whispered.
"Suave." I purred, putting my hands on my thighs and sitting back a bit.
She was watching me as she took a tentative lick and I shivered.
"Did that hurt?" She asked.
"No...please, B. I need to be yours please?" I whined.
I watched her slide her hand under herself as she buried her face in my wetness. She was moaning as she began to work me up.
There was a pinch in my chest as I took a deep breath, but I bit back the moan, needing this so fucking bad. I gripped her ponytail and moaned hard as I came. I was shaking, and she just kept going.
"Britt! Fuck!"
She winked at me and then she was sliding those long beautiful fingers inside me and then pressed her face to mine. I was shuddering against her as she held me against her. Holding me still.
Had she seen my flinch?
"Does that feel good, baby?"
"Yessssss, B."
She added another finger.
"Still...you won't say it?"
I had joked around calling her Daddy when I wanted something but nothing in bed. I shook my head and then she was sucking my lip into her mouth as she added another finger.
My eyes were wide as I came again.
"Oh God...fuck!" Her thumb danced over my clit and I was shaking as I came.
"You came again, baby? Is it that good, hmm?"
"Yes Daddy." I groaned and that just gave her more energy as she went faster, clutching me to her so I didn't move my upper body. I was gripping her ass, my nails scratching as she fucked me.
I came and then tapped at her hand three times.
"I can't handle anymore...sen...sensitive."
She pulled her fingers out and brought them to my lips.
"Suck." She said, and I smiled at her before cleaning myself off her fingers.
"Want you, B." I whispered after finishing sucking her fingers.
And then the alarm went off and I knew she wasn't going to let me have her.
"I want you to have me too, baby but I need you well first, so you can fuck me hard. I like it when you bend me over...it's been a long time."
"With the strap?" I hadn't been able to top her like that in over a year...since before Marco. Before everything.
"Yes." She leaned in and kissed me hard before getting out of the bed and leaving me there disheveled.
Britt helped me up and onto the couch before she left. Mami came soon after with a key...I'm glad that she hadn't come any sooner because Britt had given me a quickie after I brushed my teeth.
I was spent as I turned the tv on.
"Bendicion, Mami." I said when she came in with another container of harina and her overnight bag.
"Dios te bendiga, Nanita." She said, kicking the door closed and then kissing my forehead. "Come eat, it's still hot."
I pushed myself up from the couch, feeling a little freer with my adrenaline still pumping.
As I sat on the hard kitchen chair, I hissed. Mami looked at me with a smirk and raised her eyebrow.
"Did the doctor clear you for sex, Santana?" I sighed.
"No." I mumbled.
"I forget sometimes that you're still just a hormonal teenager." I stuck my tongue out at her when her back was turned but had a grin when she turned back with my pills.
"Thanks, Mami."
"You look better today; do you think you'll be up for going to see my nieto?"
"I'd love that! I haven't seen him since that night."
"Well finish up and then you'll have another bath to speed the healing."
"Okay, it was amazing last time."
"I know."
"After we go see Isaac, I want to watch Britt's last practice before the big competition."
"What time does she leave for that?"
"Five in the morning. She'll want to see him too...so maybe we will go see him again...maybe dinner at Breadstix?" I perked up and Mami grinned.
"Yes, we can do that. This weekend it's just me and you...I'm getting you on that track at some point."
"Mami, I can't run yet."
"You shouldn't be having sex but you're doing that. A light jog won't kill you."
"Fine...so far all your advice has been good, so I won't argue."
"I've been waiting to hear those words all of your life." And then in a mirror of my earlier action, she stuck her tongue out at me. "And don't think I didn't see that."
"Shit."
"Language!"
"Sorry, Mami."
Mami had another motive, she always does, I should have known that when she suggested going to see Isaac. We were in the car, headed towards the hospital but then she parked next to the annex.
"Mami?" I asked.
She turned to look at me with a look of triumph on her face as we faced my doctor's office and not just any doctor, either.
"Did you know that I am friends with Dr. Ramirez? Your father and I were so excited to meet another Puerto Rican doctor that we made sure to be close."
"I never knew that...I mean I knew you knew her, but besties seems like a stretch."
"She and I had dinner last night, she asked about you. I told her that you might be in the family way again."
"Mami! Why would you do that?"
"I just want you to get checked out, Nanita. I need her to go over all the ways that you could do things differently this time if you are."
"It's too soon to test and I am pretty sure I know how to be pregnant!" I was outraged.
She raised an eyebrow.
"Fine. I'll go in, but you keep this between us. I will not stress out Britt before the competition."
"It's fine because I already know what I know."
"And what's that?"
"You're carrying my second grandchild."
"I am not!"
"Say what you will, Nanita but I know the truth. Now, I won't force you to get a test today because that means...well I don't want to think about it."
"No, go ahead and say it. If I test positive today, this is Marco's baby and we are all screwed because he will become a fucking leech."
She crossed herself and shook her head. "Let's pray it's Ian's then."
"It's only been a week, Mami...if I am...motherfucker."
"Language, Santana."
"What? You started this! If I fall apart it's your fault."
And now I was crying.
Is this how she knew?
Dr. Ramirez had me get changed into a paper gown and then started to go over my sexual history.
"You realize I just saw you a month ago, right, how much sex could I have possibly had?"
"Enough."
"So, you are right on time then, you were supposed to see me six weeks after your stitches healed so I could check you out and need I remind you the number you gave me when I asked about your escorting?"
"Oh, you're right. So, um...do I need to get in the stirrups or something?"
"Did you think I was going to stick a probe in you?"
I nodded. "Kinda."
"Well, I really just want to do a pap and see how you healed up. I also want to make sure your breasts are okay after the assault. Your mom told me all about it."
I rolled my eyes but then smirked. Mami was pissed when I made her stay in the waiting room and legally there was no way she could fight it.
"He didn't sexually assault me, he got close and I'm sure it would have gotten there but thankfully, it didn't."
"Good. I think we've had enough of that."
"How soon can you feel symptoms of pregnancy?" I asked, feeling hot all over suddenly.
"Sometimes as early as the first week. Let's start with this, have you had a period yet?"
"Since when?"
"Isaac."
"Oh, no...I haven't but I've been feeling like it's coming. I'm more exhausted. More emotional and all I want is sex...all the time."
"Did you use protection when you had sex?"
"No."
"How many times have you had intercourse with a male?"
"Twice."
"When?"
"Um...the day you cleared me to have sex...like right after the appointment I had sex with my ex-husband to get him to sign divorce papers."
"That was..." She looked at her notes. "May 2nd...and the other time?"
"Last Friday."
"May 28th."
She was taking notes and then crossed her hand on top of her clipboard. "Santana, have you talked to Brittany about this possibility?"
"A little bit."
"Okay...and the looming question is...your drug usage." She was giving me an unblinking stare.
"I'm still going to rehab after graduation for 28 days. I used on Saturday, but I'm done. I know I've said it before but I'm serious. I want to be done...especially if I have a chance to make things right with another kid."
She sighed and took out her prescription pad.
"I want you to up your iron intake and take prenatal vitamins until you are ready to take a pregnancy test. It's never too early to start taking care of yourself as if you already are. So, no smoking, drinking, and no drugs. Got it?"
"Yes, I got it."
"Would you like this to stay between us?"
"Please? I don't want to get myself or anyone else worked up."
"Okay, so let's talk about your boobs." She grinned, and I rolled my eyes. "Your implants saved you from having more damage done to your ribs. So that's good, you also got lucky that they didn't explode."
"Oh, they wouldn't, they're gummy bears."
"Really? Aden splurged for those?"
"He did it to shut me up...but yes. There's no exploding these things."
"I've been interested in looking into those."
"Well, the healing was faster, and it looks more natural."
"Yes, it does."
We talked more about my amazing boob job and how to keep it intact with another pregnancy.
Out in the reception area, Mami looked anxiously at me and Dr. Ramirez but we were both poker faces.
"Too soon to tell." I said and Mami just nodded, then looked at Dr. Ramirez.
"Doctor/patient Glady, I can't tell you either way."
"Fine! Come on Nanita, let's go see our baby."
Isaac was still in the NICU when we got there. I couldn't even count a handful of times I had seen my mother in a proximity to my son. When she sat in the rocker, she was already unbuttoning her shirt and looked excited.
"Can I have him?" I said to Nurse Becky and she handed him to me first.
Mami looked sad that I had gotten in the way of her time with her nieto.
"Que te pasa, Nanita?"
"Mami, we need to talk seriously."
Isaac was gurgling against me, cooing and everything. His lungs sounded a bit better today and it made me feel one itty bitty step closer to him coming home.
"Okay, dale."
"You spent way too much time away from me as a kid. I need you to be a better grandmother than you were a mother." There was hurt in her eyes but not a single tear, she looked at me fiercely.
"I understand. I was trying to teach you independence and you were so headstrong like me that I just left you be. I see now it wasn't the right choice. I will make sure that I am the best Abuela to him. I promise you."
"Be sure, Mami. Susan comes to see him three times a week. Are you going to let her out grandmother you?"
"She what?! Oh, I need to step up my game then. I didn't know I could come on my own."
"You're on the family list, you can come anytime that you want."
"I will be better."
"Good." I rested my son in my mother's arms and she swooned as she spoke to him, only in Spanish and only in a whisper.
"These eyes, my goodness. They remind me of Brittany." She said looking at me in awe.
"Yeah, even Ian thinks so."
"You have a type."
"Yes, the opposite of Marco."
She looked at me like the light bulb just went off.
"Shit, we really messed you up."
"Language, Mami." I scolded, and she stuck her tongue out at me.
My attitude was definitely just like hers.
After another bath and rub down from Mami when we got home, she insisted that I take a nap while she made dinner. School had ended for the day and I could hear the bullhorn on the field. Sue would run them through the cheer at least five times and I didn't want to miss it.
So, I changed into my track pants, moving as slow as possible. Mami had given me two more painkillers with lunch and put the Puerto Rican salve on my ribs but it still hurt to put my shirt on, so I went bra-less and wore nothing under the jacket, if I didn't unzip it, there would be no issues.
I stepped into the kitchen after a thirty-minute nap and the smell of rice and chicken made my stomach grumble. Mami was talking a mile a minute on the phone as she cleaned up the kitchen.
When she saw me, her face lit up and then she was looking at my chest. She mumbled a quick goodbye and then put her hands on her hips, glaring at me.
"Yes?"
"Are you naked under there?"
And there goes her eyebrow.
I looked up at the ceiling and back at her, holding up my arms, "My roof. My rules." I said, and she was glaring.
"I am your mother, every roof above your head is one I have allowed you to have because I made you."
I looked at her flabbergasted.
"Well damn...oye, I couldn't get my shirt on. It's fine."
Mami was side-eyeing me as we packed a cooler with food and plates for the girls. Then she hooked an arm around my waist as we made our way across the street.
Instead of them being on the field, they were running laps and Q was sitting on the platform with her casted leg propped up, barking orders through a bullhorn.
We walked the track, ignoring the Cheerios running past us and made our way to the platform. Sue took one look of me in a tracksuit and smirked. I owed her more than anyone, for making Sandy confess...if not for her I'd be out on bail awaiting a hearing instead of having the charges dropped.
"Santana! Santana's mom."
Mami held up the cooler and Sue blew her whistle. The Cheerios dropped where they stood, all panting from wherever they were. Q looked at me with a grin.
"You look evil, how many laps was that?" I asked.
"16." Britt said, as she wiped her face with her tank top, showing off her abs. I licked my lips and got a stern look from Mami and Q.
While everyone ate, Britt made some excuse about me helping her in the locker room but the moment we were alone, she backed me up against the wall.
"Hey baby." She whispered to me as she smiled softly. Then she slowly pulled at my jacket's zipper and I just shoved my hands in my pockets and looked up at her.
"Yes, Daddy." I whispered back when she pinched my nipples.
"Did you miss me today?"
"Yes."
"Do we have time?" She said, kissing my neck and then twisting at my nipples. I groaned.
"I hope so."
She pressed her body against mine, blocking me from view and pushed her fingers into my pants.
"Fuck you're so wet for me." She groaned. I buried my hand in her spanks and found her wetness too, pressing my fingers against her clit. We were in a side hall that lead to the empty boy's locker room. "Keep your hand still, you shouldn't be overdoing it." She scolded before pressing against my fingers at the same time she pushed inside me. "Fuck, yes. I like when you let me use you to get off...don't move your fingers."
I stayed there, wanting to pinch and rub but she'd growl if I moved. Her fingers were pressing deep into me and I came hard, squirting into my panties.
"So...fucking good, B." I muttered against her neck.
"You're so good at being quiet for me, baby." I shivered as I heard Marco's voice in my mind, telling me to show him I can be quiet. I had no idea that I was still doing it. "You are soaked, I wish I had my strap."
She kept fucking me, the sound of my wetness meeting my ears as I panted. She finally dropped her hips twice and put her head neck to mine. Groaning as she came.
"Nanita!" Mami called and I bit my lip as I pulled my hand from her spanks, gripping at her shirt instead. I was on the verge of another orgasm as Britt pounded into me, just a few more seconds. Then the approach of her heels against the floor was closer.
"Daddy is so proud of you...fuck baby, you're so beautiful." Britt whispered as she flicked my clit and I came silently screaming with my head thrown back. Then just as smooth as she always was, B zipped up my jacket wrapped her hands around me, kissing me hard.
"Ladies! I am trying to win Nationals, you are holding us all up!" Sue barked, and Britt jumped back, pulling her hand from under my jacket where she'd dried the wetness on my bare back.
Mami and Sue were standing there, arms crossed over their chest with matching looks of disapproval.
"Sorry coach, every time you work her hard this is what she does."
"You're blaming me, you seduced me!" Britt said and Mami nodded.
"That I can believe. The women in our family are sirens."
"Um...I guess we are going, Mami you ready?"
The following week, my ribs were feeling a little better and Britt was taking full advantage. They'd lost nationals and when Britt wasn't in class, she was expected to be on the field running to make up for dropping a flyer flat on her face. Sue blamed me for distracting B, even though I wasn't there but apparently, she was taking that whole siren thing Mami had said and running with it.
For Mami's part, she was coming over every single evening to have dinner with us after we visited Isaac. It felt good to eat dinner as a family.
By the following Friday my suspicions about being pregnant were even greater but I still didn't tell Britt how I was feeling. I should have gotten my period by now but aside from a little spotting there was nothing. All week long, after Sue's initial heart break from the Cheerios placing second in the overall competition, even though they still walked away with something, the Cheerios still had to endure hour-long practices and slushy showers for the whole week after losing, then after school rerunning the drill that had lost the championship.
Britt was coming home every night exhausted, sticky and sore, so Mami had started to rub her miracle remedy on Britt's legs. I pushed down how I was feeling about what was coming next as I watched the last day of drills.
Tonight, was a big night for us, Isaac was coming home finally. Mami was even making a special dinner for us, not that Isaac could eat it, but she was proving to me that she could be a good grandmother.
Since she had been the one to drop the flyer, all week Sue had Britt throwing things up and catching them over and over. It wasn't like Britt to be so clumsy, but she was distracted. Mami saw it too, Britt would go see Isaac then come home let Mami rub her down, serve herself food and then shut herself in the guest room with an excuse about homework.
Mami kept suggesting that Britt was up to something, but I was so focused on school and healing my ribs that I wasn't paying attention.
But then that afternoon, as I waited for Britt to be done tossing every single flyer up in the air and catching them for two hours straight, my phone died. So, I dug hers out of her jacket and started playing a game. I was sitting on the bleachers, trying my best to tune out Sue and her megaphone when a text message popped up.
Normally when I check her texts they are from Rachel or her mom but today it was someone totally different.
Hey B-Lo! lol, its Frankie...heard u r coming on tour after all good 4 u. Glad da wife isn't being a bitch 4 once. Can't wait 2 c u babe! Xoxoxo-F.R.
I reread the message over and over until it became nothing but a blurry image. I didn't hear the whistle dismissing practice or the footsteps coming towards me. All I felt, two weeks after breaking up with my wife who had been even more attentive than usual was disgust. My eyes were burning as I wiped angrily at the tears that were beginning to come down. I felt stupid for crying.
Officially, we weren't even a couple anymore...just glorified fuck buddies.
"Hey...is that my phone?" B stood above me with an anxious look on her face, almost like she felt guilty...maybe it was my tears.
"You got a text from Frankie."
"Oh." she held her hand out and I handed her the phone.
"Sorry, that I read it."
"That's okay...I would have told you about it anyway...we promised to be honest."
"Are you going to read it?"
She sat down beside me, straddling the bleacher and put her head on my shoulder.
"Not until I make sure that my lollipop is okay. You are more important than any text I could ever get from her. You're my 80, Ana banana."
I looked at her and smiled.
"You mean that still?"
"Absolutely! Does it say something that upsets you?"
"Yes...no...Maybe? I'm just emotional today. I think it was seeing you go off to Nationals without me last week and then knowing that if I was there we would have won. I could have pulled off that move flawlessly. Plus, there's Isaac."
"You should be excited about that! When do we pick him up?"
"Tonight, whenever you are ready."
"I'm ready now. Come on let's go." she said standing up and tossing both our backpacks over her shoulders.
"Read the message, B." I said not even bothering to stand up. "If you don't read it then it's all I'm going to think about and I don't want to think about her when I pick up Isaac."
"Fine." B unlocked her phone screen and then read the message and then quickly sent a message off in response. Her phone dinged immediately, and I could see her face scrunch up while she sent another message off and then promptly turned her phone on silent and shoved it in the back pocket of her jeans. "You ready?" she said with a deep sigh and a forced smile.
"I wanted to do something first if you don't mind?"
"Okay."
We climbed in the convertible, this was the first time that I drove in a while with my ribs still sore from time to time. I didn't want to tell Britt where we were going because I knew she would try to talk me out of it, but I had made an executive decision and I hope she supported me.
I glanced at her as I turned down main street and drove past the hospital and out onto the highway. Britt looked over at me confused.
"Where are we going, Ana?"
"You'll see."
We drove a little further and I tried not to look to the side as we passed the exit to my special spot in the woods. That part of my life was over now, which was exactly what prompted this little trip.
I pulled onto the car lot and my mother's baby brother Gene was waiting for me as we pulled up. I stepped out the car and hugged him tight.
"Tio!"
"How is my favorite niece?"
"Good...Tio. Tio Gene this is my wife Brittany... I told you about her earlier."
"Wow she is hot!"
Britt was blushing as we stood there talking about her like she couldn't hear us.
"Thanks...what are we doing here Ana?" she finally said shyly and then linked her pinky with mine.
"I'm trading my car in."
"What? You love that car."
"I do...Tio here has been trying to convince me to keep it but I don't want it. Too many bad memories plus a car seat doesn't fit. Is my new car ready?"
"Yes."
I had been back and forth on the phone all day about my new black on black BMW x6. I wanted tinted windows and for it to be fully loaded and insisted that I trade in the convertible despite it being less than a year old. When Tio walked me to my new car and handed me the keys I nearly passed out from excitement. I traded in my car and then paid the rest outright.
I never unlinked my pinky from Britt's as we filled out all the paperwork. It felt so good to walk away from a car that symbolized the height of addiction for me. I had done lines of coke off every available surface and I had sex in the back seat with Marco...it was just not a place I wanted my son.
This was the beginning of a new chapter...one based on family and love. I wanted to put my son in a place that was clean and comfortable. I didn't want to put him anywhere that I had memories of bad things because he was too important.
"I can't believe that you are letting me drive this before you!"
"How does it feel?"
"Amazing...makes my dumpy pickup truck seem like scrap metal."
"Well I put your name on the title, so this is really our car."
"Really? Not just yours like the convertible?"
"Yep, yours and mine. Now let's go get our son."
We stopped by the house to pick up Isaac's car seat and Mami. I hadn't told anyone about my trade in but Tio, so when Mami saw the car she was jumping up and down just like I had when I first saw it in person.
I let her ride up front with Britt and mess with all the button's and compartments not having any fear that something would accidentally appear.
It felt refreshing.
When we got to the hospital, Ian was already there waiting for us. He had already dressed Isaac like I had asked him to and seemed just as anxious as we were. B and I had gone back and forth a zillion times about how involved we wanted him and whether we wanted him to be there when we brought Isaac home.
She got through the jealously and realized how much Ian meant to me and to this family, he gave us Isaac, he was there for him when we couldn't be. We were insanely grateful for him, so the choice was clear.
When I picked up Isaac and held him close to me his little face lit up. His little dimples stood out and that made his face look even cuter, although I wasn't sure that was possible. I was in love with him and knew in that moment that taking a year off was the best decision I could ever make for him.
"My grandson is so handsome."
"He sure is!"
"And he is breathing so much better."
"Let's go Mami. Let's take him home!"
Mami was practically beaming as she held Isaac. This was her first grandchild and she had already warned me that she intended to spoil him.
Ian and Mami rode in the front seat while B and I rode in the backseat with Isaac with our fingers laced together as we watched him sleep.
"This is so amazing. It felt like he was never coming home."
"Yes, it was the longest nearly two months of my life. Did you make sure to grab his machine and his medicine, B?"
"Yes. The nurses wrote out a schedule for him too."
"Good. I'm nervous about tonight...this is our first night with him."
"Thankfully Gladys and Ian will both be there just in case we need them and then tomorrow when Ian goes to work, Q is coming over."
"I know it's an excited kind of nervous."
Once we were settled and Ian laid Isaac down in the crib, the three of us just stood there watching him sleep, Ian had his arms thrown over our shoulders and I laughed to myself when I realized that we were both leaning on him. What a long way we have come!
Mami called him and he headed out to the kitchen to help her with whatever she needed. The moment he was gone, B moved closer to me and wrapped an arm around my waist. She smiled at me, pulling me flush against her and I moaned into the kiss.
Isaac began to cry just as it was getting good.
"Cockblock." I muttered playfully.
"Hey! Language! Don't listen to her Izzy. Mami is just cranky!" B picked him up and took him to the changing table. "Wow! He filled his diaper! Do you want to change him?"
"Nope. You are on diaper duty until you leave in September."
"Oh...I guess that's fair." I plopped down on the bed and watched as she cleaned him. I saw it before she did and didn't have a chance to warn her. Britt stood horrified as a stream of piss hit her in the face. "Ugh! Izzy? That's gross."
Britt took a baby wipe and ran it down her face. She had just learned a valuable lesson, I snickered, and she stuck her tongue out at me.
"Hey, pay attention before he does it again!"
I barked out in laughter as she turned back to him and glared while rushing through changing him.
"He better not or he is so grounded!"
"You told me that you can't punish a baby."
"Watch me!" she said winking at me.
In that moment as I watched her lovingly pamper our son and then feed him, I think I was happier than I had ever been before...but you know how it goes...calm before storms.