Chapter 63: Torn (Natalie Imbruglia)
When we got home, I settled on the couch with my son in my arms sound asleep. Ian and Britt moved the crib into our bedroom and Mami prepared an early dinner for us while I watched the novela. This was the first time in months that I felt like everything was right in the world. As interesting as the novela was though, I couldn't stop glancing down at my son. I ran my finger across his forehead and over his cheek softly, enjoying the soft sigh he'd release each time.
Holding him there was so soothing that it was no wonder how I ended up falling asleep with him, tucked in my arms.
Britt woke me up soon after with kisses on my face and then I felt her hand on my forehead.
"Baby?" She called and I opened my eyes, looking down immediately and felt calm when I saw my son staring up at us.
"Hey."
"You feel kinda warm, I think you should go get some rest. We got him for a bit."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, remember what nurse Becky says. Take care of yourself to better take care of him, right?"
I kissed Isaac's face and then handed him to Britt, before pushing to my feet with a groan. I felt unsteady and had to reach out to Britt to find my bearings.
"Maybe you're right."
As I passed through the kitchen, I saw Mami and Ian having a serious talk and knew I didn't want to be near that conversation with a twenty foot pole. Ian looked like he needed to be saved and I felt like I needed to be saved too. So instead of going straight to bed, I did the mature thing and asked my mom for help.
"Mami?"
"One moment, mi'ja." she said distractedly but then, I put myself in her line of sight.
"Mami, I'm hurting and my head hurts, can you please give me a bath? Por favor?"
She looked at me and then Brittany but then her eyes softened when she saw Britt talking animatedly to Isaac.
"Fine." She stood up and walked over to Britt and Isaac, whispering to B and kissing my son before following me into the bedroom. I swear I could hear Ian's sigh of relief from the bedroom.
Mami was huffing and puffing as she got my bath ready and I just knew she had something to say that I wouldn't like but I just ignored her and got undressed.
It made my heart melt when I saw Isaac's bassinet at the end of the bed, ready for his first night at home. I just hope that I'm not coming down with something that will keep me from caring for him properly.
When I entered the bathroom, Mami was standing there with a temporal thermometer and pressed it against my forehead. I watched her face twist up a bit when she looked at it and then she seemed to let her attitude go when she looked at me.
"You're running a slight fever, get in the tub, it should help."
"Thanks, Mami. Te amo." I whispered as I climbed in and hissed as I sunk down into the water. She looked like she wanted to laugh but instead, she sat on the toilet lid and stared at her hands. "Talk to me, Mami." I said, once I was settled.
"I wish Aden was here."
"Which version because if it was the one that left here being the best kind of Papi to me, then yes I wish he was here too. I hate that he can't meet Isaac."
"Me too. He dreamed that you'd have this big wedding and give him lots of grand babies. He loved your sister's kids but they were so far away that he didn't have the bond with them that he should have."
"I'm sure if he could come back, he'd do things differently. I saw that part of him when we talked. He wanted to make amends."
"And I think that's where I am. He can't make up for how he was but I can. There is so much that I have kept from you because I thought stupidly, that I was protecting you. Seeing you holding your son, loving him reminded me how much I wanted you. After I had you, the doctors told me that I wouldn't be able to have another child. It might kill me."
I sat up and stared, remembering all the times I had threw in her face that God only gave her one because she was a bad mother. She'd taken it on the chin each time but the pain of that must hurt her profoundly. I fucking suck sometimes. Damn.
"You never told me that."
"I didn't think you'd need to know. Now though, you are a mother and you understand the grief in that...when your options get taken away, it changes everything."
"I'm sorry, Mami. I'm proud to be your daughter and I could have been better to you too. I forgive you for doing the best you could. I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive me too. Let's do better from here on out, okay?"
"Always, mi amor. I agree, lets do better."
Mami washed my hair and then lovingly brushed it and braided it for me. She seemed to carry a peace that she hadn't before and I think I felt that in myself too.
Finally.
That night, long after everyone had gone to bed, I found myself standing over Isaac, just watching him sleep all night long. Britt slept right through it but Ian, showed up sometime in the night and stood next to me, putting a cautious arm over my shoulders.
"Look at what we made." He said, and I nodded wrapping my arms around myself, as I felt the ache in my chest. "You've changed...in the last two weeks since we, you know...you've changed. You're jumpy when I touch you now."
"I know...jail will do that to you." I muttered.
"Is she still hurting you?"
It took me a moment to understand what he was asking but then I remembered that the last we'd really talked was that day when he heard her hurting me. So much had changed since then. I shook my head in a daze. Had it only been two weeks, wow. "She's been perfect...almost too perfect. All her touches are gentler and when she's firm with me, it's not scary it's sexy. Every morning, she makes it a point of taking her pills in front of me. It's made a difference."
"So, no more bruises, then?"
"No." I didn't even bring up the assault at the police station, I had managed to keep my fractured ribs mostly a secret. Aside from my family, Q and B, no one knew that I had been beat down and I was working hard to keep it that way. I didn't want to be coddled.
"Good. Listen...I-"
Isaac gave that warning whimper and I knew that he was going to start crying soon enough. Even though she'd been dead to the world, Britt was sitting up wide eyed looking around and then her eyes landed on us...standing close, his arm around me and I watched a flare in her eyes before she looked away.
"He needs a change, baby, did you want to feed him after?"
"Yes, B." I said as I reached down and rubbed my son's tummy, knowing that lifting him on my own needed to be at a minimum. His eyes tried focusing and then he was wailing once he saw us.
"Listen to you, squish and they say my boy doesn't have good lungs!" Ian joked.
Britt picked up Isaac and rocked him lightly as she whispered to him. His cries calmed as she danced him over to the changing table...which was just a corner section of our dresser that we put a changing pad on.
She was so careful with him as she changed him. Ian took a step back and sat on the edge of our bed. I turned towards Britt and saw her watching from the mirror. Our eyes met, and she was reading my face before, her face changed as she looked at Isaac. Middle of the night Brittany wasn't medicated and I knew she was trying her best to push her jealousy to the side.
We still weren't together, not really we were just sexually active co-parents. Still she felt an ownership over me just like I did with her, I didn't blame her but I was proud of her control.
"Get up onto the bed, baby. I'll bring him to you...seriously Ian...can you be useful and go make a bottle?" She grumbled and he jumped up.
"Yeah, I can do that!" He left the room, closing the door lightly.
Once Ian was gone, Britt sat on the edge of the bed, Isaac tucked in her arms. With her other hand she rubbed my leg and then and hooked it over my hip.
"Are you okay, baby?"
"Yeah, why?" I asked, my eyes on Isaac.
"Last night when I kept getting messages, you got all weird...then I heard you with him...you said I was almost too perfect. That was a little mean."
"You heard that?"
"Yeah."
"It's true, I mean we aren't together. No one really knows that but Mami...if you fucked around with Frankie still...I don't have any ownership over you, even if I feel like I do. I guess I just thought..." I trailed off when I heard Ian coming into the room.
Britt gave me that look, meaning we weren't finished this conversation and she handed me Isaac.
The baby was babbling to me and I smiled at him as Ian handed me the bottle.
"Do you mind if I head home?" Ian said, gesturing towards the door.
"That's fine." I said. He looked at Britt and she shrugged.
"Sure...no one asked you to be here anyway."
"Britt go to bed, your lack of meds is showing." I said to her without taking my eyes off Isaac, she huffed and then looked towards Ian.
"I'll walk you out." Britt said, and then they left me there with my son.
There was something brewing in the air, I could feel it.
When Ian didn't come back at all on Saturday, I knew that I was right.
I spent the whole day taking turns caring for Isaac and doing homework. Mami had stayed to help but I was adamant, even if I was starting to feel more rundown.
Britt left us to go handle some stuff at her parents so it was just the three of us.
And I wished that Ian could come back but I knew if I called him, it would become a thing with B and I was doing my best to keep the peace.
When I woke up Sunday morning, I felt like I had been hit by a truck. My chest was hurting, and my head was thumping something terrible. The baths had been helping but whatever this was beyond any herbal remedies. I was exhausted and cranky, still...all I wanted was to care for my son.
He'd been through worse because of me but instead of giving into my demands, Britt took Isaac from the room and set him up in the guest room with Mami. The last thing anyone wanted was for him to get sick, I knew that but it still felt like a raw deal, he'd just got here. Mami drew me another bath and coddled me all day, making me sopa and spreading vapor rub on my chest and back.
"You didn't move enough while your lungs are healing, this is what I was afraid of."
"I did my best." I whined.
"I know, Nanita, it's not your fault."
"Can you make sure that Britt takes her meds, Mami? Susan is coming over today and I know that if she forgets to take them her mom will know, and it will become a thing."
"I can do that. You just rest up and I will make sure Brittany and Isaac are okay."
"Thank you."
She gave me medicine and then set up a humidifier, holding my hand as I fell asleep again. I was in a half sleep, where I couldn't move but I could hear everything. I tried to wake myself up fully, but I couldn't seem to move.
"Yes, babe but that's not my fault." Britt was changing Isaac's diaper from the sounds of it. "It's complicated. We have a baby together, but we aren't married or together still, I told you that. I'm kind of stuck, I promised to be here and I love this little boy with my everything, even if I'm not with his mom. Yes, of course I love you." She hummed as the baby cooed. "Shhh, you don't want to wake Mami, Izzy."
What the fuck had Mami given me?
"Babe, stop. He is mine in all the ways that count. I love him and if we end up together, you need to love him too. Right now, you're my 20 but I don't know, if she wants that idiot, then maybe you can become my 80 and we can all be happy. She says there's nothing there but she did have sex with him...oh and Marco of course." She chuckled. "I know, some lesbian, right?"
I was laying there now fully awake staring at the ceiling with tears in my eyes as my chest heaved. A coughing fit followed, and she muttered a quick goodbye before ending the call.
My whole body hurt and my heart specifically felt like it had been torn from my chest.
How could she talk about me like that?
Fuck her.
"Crap, baby did I wake you? I'm going to take him away and send your mom in. I love you." She said before leaving the room. Mami came in moments later with more medicine and a sympathetic face.
"You okay?"
"Too perfect." I mumbled.
"What?"
"Nothing, knock me out Mami...it hurts too much." I wasn't sure which hurt more, my pride or my chest but either way the moment the medicine hit my system, I was down for the count.
When I woke up in the night, I noticed that Britt wasn't there. I rolled out of bed and found her sleeping on the couch, when I touched her face she opened her eyes and gave me a soft smile.
"Why aren't you in bed?"
"I missed you." I admitted.
"I miss you too, baby but it's better that I sleep here so I don't get sick. I don't want your mom to be the only one Izzy sees."
I nodded, feeling miserable and needy, hating myself for wanting her in the bed with me when she felt so fucking stuck.
She kissed my hand and then sent me back to bed, not even giving me the chance to sway her back into bed, so I ended up crying and coughing myself to sleep.
On Monday morning, Mami made us harina morning and left us to eat while she fed and changed Isaac. She was really stepping up her game and I was so proud of her. I was also grateful because I knew that he would be in good hands at home with his Abuela.
Britt was none the wiser that I was pissed at her. I had to keep my cool because I didn't own her. I had broken up with her and she had been there for me regardless, even though she felt stuck. I was torn between what my heart felt and what my head knew. Right now, stuck or not, I needed her but that was really only until we made it to New York. She had guardianship and I was going to be in rehab for a whole month, the last thing I wanted was for Britt to hold seeing Isaac over my head.
So for now, I'd play nice.
Even though I was feeling like crap, I insisted on going to school. I had missed a few tests and I had coerced most of my teachers to let me make them up. I'd barely spoken to Brittany, just the basic stuff but nothing like before but she didn't seem to notice. Instead, she kept right on treating me too perfect.
My ribs were mostly healed, I could lift my arms above my head, but the coughing was making me so fucking sore. Britt's held my book bag and linked her pinky with mine and throughout the day, she was with me whenever she could be, carrying my books and kissing me whenever she had the chance and I gave in even though I knew that this was just her overcompensating. I just needed her love that badly.
It was pathetic really.
Needless to say, I was cranky and not up for anyone's bullshit. I was in cheerio bitch mode, even if I was long past being a Cheerio. The halls parted for me and it was good to know that I still had it. I was a woman on a mission because I had no time to waste. There were only three weeks left of school and I had to make every minute count.
With all the crap that had been going on, the realization that prom was next week had completely escaped me. Britt hadn't asked me, and I wasn't sure that I even wanted to go with her anyway. At lunch, I found Q sitting with Rachel and Mercedes with their heads bent together over a prom magazine. Britt was with Sue working on a routine for next year, so I was on my own for lunch. I slid next to my best friend and she looked at me like she was seeing a ghost.
"Hey there, friend." She said to me, a weird look on her face.
"What's Q?" I asked, with zero heat in my voice.
"How's my godson?"
"Perfect." I said, smiling at her before taking out my lunch. Mami had packed me soup in a thermos and some crackers, in a small bag she'd wrapped up bacon fritters. When I finished setting myself up, I started eating but no one was talking and it only took about two minutes for me to get irritated. "You're staring. Did I miss something?"
"Really, San, you're gonna sit here with that good smelling food and not even offer me a fritter?"
I smirked and picked up a fritter, handing it to her.
"I hope you don't get a sty." I said to her and she looked at me weird.
"What the heck does that mean?"
"Nothing. I just haven't been feeling well."
"Then I'll grab one for myself...you keep that one." I bit into the fritter and the taste curled my tongue.
"Fuck." I jumped from the table and ran from the cafeteria, my stomach turning itself inside out in over the sink. I rinsed my mouth and wet my face. "Shit." I muttered as I looked at my pale face and then walked back to the cafeteria. People were looking at me, but I kept my eyes focused ahead.
Quinn had moved the fritters from in front of where I was sitting and was staring down at her phone.
"You're kidding." She said to me. Then she handed me her phone.
Babe, what does it mean when you get a sty from taking food from a person who doesn't want to share?-Quinn
You'd only get a sty if they were pregnant and hadn't offered you any of the food you took some. Why?-Ceily
Heard someone say it just now, thought it was weird-Quinn
Superstition. Although, it's totally happened to me. Don't take food from the person.-Ceily
Thanks. :)-Quinn
xoxo-Ceily
I handed it back to her and then sat back down. "Keep the fritters, I was never really a fan of them anyway." I muttered before tossing my spoon to the side and guzzling my warm soup. When I put it down, she was still looking hesitant. She was shook about the sty obviously.
"You're sure?"
"Yes, please, Q. You'd be doing me a favor."
"What am I not getting?" Mercedes asked.
"Yes, I'm quite perplexed." Rachel threw in.
"Santana had a bad experience with bacon last summer, food poisoning and I think she hadn't tried it since. Was that the first time?" She asked a connotation in her voice that I didn't like.
"Yes, and it will be the last. Fuck bacon."
"Okay, now you've gone too far." Quinn scolded and we all burst into giggles. I still felt like shit, but it was the best I felt all day.
When we were alone, I told Quinn my suspicions and she told me that she had my back for whatever I needed because she had finally committed to Columbia. I squealed in the middle of the hallway as I squeezed her tight. She cried against my shoulder and I kissed her face, neither of us caring about looks or Brittany enough to keep it low key.
But I should have known that showing that much happiness would come back to bite me, it always did.
By the end of the week I was finally feeling well enough to spend time with the baby. The doctor said I wasn't contagious, it was just build up from keeping my chest cavity still for so long. Just like Mami had suspected.
The cough had subsided and my ribs were practically healed, I just needed to take things slow. Now that I seemed self sufficient, Mami was planning to be headed to Chicago for the weekend with Quinn and Susan for Celia's final gallery opening.
My sister was planning to leave Chicago and start somewhere else, so that when Q was ready to let Rachel go, they could be together. It was sweet and shit but I didn't tell them as much.
With everyone headed away for the weekend and Ian stepping back, it would be mine and B's first time with our son alone.
The trip was random and it was an odd group, but Q couldn't drive herself and Susan wanted to get some bonding time in with Mami now that they were co-grandmas, so it made perfect sense. Britt just needed to keep being gentle and attentive.
Was that too much to ask?
Mami was hovering around me until Britt got home from yet another after school session with Sue, they'd been happening all week and I didn't think anything of it. I was in the guest room, with a sleeping Isaac on my chest with my nose deep in a book when B came bursting into the room.
"Ana?!"
The door thumped loudly against the wall scaring the baby and causing him to scream himself awake. Poor thing. I threw down the book and rushed to rub Isaac's back because when he cried too hard he ended up having an asthma attack which I wanted to avoid at all costs.
"What the heck, Brittany!" I yelled out as she stood there chest heaving with a look of guilt on her face. "What is it, you woke up Isaac, is it important?"
"Crap, I'm so sorry, do you want me to put him back to sleep."
"No. Just go please." She hesitated. "What is it, B?"
Although I had asked her a question I didn't wait for her to answer as I got up and started pacing, trying to calm Isaac down. I tried singing and talking but he kept crying and wheezing. Britt kept trying to speak but I was humming to Isaac and not really paying attention to her because he was starting to calm down considerably.
"It's okay, papa, Mami's here. Shh shh shh."
Finally, Britt gave up trying to speak and just stormed from the room in frustration. I had been feeling better but I'd had a migraine for two days, I was irritable, I was frustrated and I just wanted to relax, which is why I hadn't stuck around after school. After a few minutes of humming and rocking him, I finally got Isaac back to sleep, thankfully. I hadn't meant to ignore B but Isaac was having a cranky day and so I just wanted to get him resting and attack free especially since he was still getting used to being away from the hospital.
With a few kisses and a grab of his monitor, I put him down in his crib, shut his room door and went in search of Britt.
Thankfully the apartment isn't tremendous so finding her curled up on the couch crying into Mami's lap. For her part, Mami looked distressed as she tried to comfort B.
Had someone died?
I suddenly felt insanely guilty for yelling at Britt, obviously it had been important if she was now in tears.
I sat on the coffee table and put a hand on her knee.
"Britt? Sweetie, are you okay?"
"No!" she muttered.
I could see that Mami was uncomfortable and stood up, "Mami, could you go sit with Isaac while I talk to B...please?"
"Of course, Nanita." She mouthed a thank you and then turned to Britt, "Remember honesty and communication. Okay?"
B nodded and then Mami left us alone.
Britt wiped at her face and then knelt in front of me, wrapping her arms around my waist. Reminding me of the night I got out of rehab. I should have known what came next. Her lips were suddenly on mine and they tasted salty from her tears but I just leaned into it. We'd gone from fucking for days to her keeping her distance with me making me feeling like shit.
Maybe this was it, her asking me to marry her again.
"Ana?" she pulled back and looked at me. "Are you okay?"
"Still feeling a little shitty but I'm fine. Tell me what's going on."
"I just don't want to dump on you and send you through another spiral."
"I'm not going back to drugs. I mean it. Just tell me what it is, B?"
"Frankie."
Britt knelt there looking at me with the saddest face that I had ever seen but I on the other hand was fucking annoyed. I didn't want to waste another minute of my life worried about this girl and her games. I had been through so much this past year and just felt like I deserved to relax, I deserved my peace, but Britt had other plans.
"What about her?"
"She's here."
"What? Here, where?"
"In Lima."
"Why the fuck is she here?" I said looking at B in disgust.
"She came to see me. She is staying over at the BB on Main Street. She's been here for a few days actually...I think I lost control of the situation."
"What situation?"
"Well, I told her I was thinking of proposing to you but then she keeps trying to convince me the reasons that I shouldn't marry you again."
"Okay, why does her opinion matter though? I broke up with you, remember? It's my opinion that means something because I'm your motherfucking 80, Britt. There's no changing that. She will ALWAYS be your 20. I thought we were moving in the right direction, you'd ended things with her and told me it was just me and you right? You did break it off with her right?"
Britt looked down at her hands that rested at the center of her crossed legs, shrugged her shoulders and then looked up at me with fresh tears in her eyes.
"Kind of.""What do you mean kind of?" I tried to keep my voice low and calm trying my best to hear her out but that can be so hard to do when I'm tired and my head is throbbing.
"I just stopped responding to her messages and phone calls. Then she texted me last Friday...you saw that. When I wrote her back to say that it was over she said too late that she was here already. All week I've been going to see her after school, trying my best to get her to see why you and I are meant to be. I kept telling her to get lost, to go back to New York."
"So you lied about private practices with Sue?"
"Yeah, I wanted to let her down slowly. I thought she would leave after I ended things."
"But she didn't, right? Now she won't leave."
"I was at the duck pond running trying to give you extra time to relax before I came home and there she was running with me after she said she was leaving. Why won't she leave?"
"Why didn't you tell me this last Friday, B?"
"You were crying and then you got the new car and we picked up Isaac...everything was so peaceful. I didn't want to ruin it."
"Well you did a shitty job at that, B."
"I'm sorry...what can I do to fix it? Please?"
"I don't know, B. I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing...what are you doing?"
"Trying to be with you."
"It shouldn't be so hard, B. It's supposed to come easy."
"It does...just it feels just as easy with her."
I looked at B, ready to ask her to choose already but then Mami was calling me with urgency. I froze a second waiting for Isaac's cry but didn't hear it, so I nearly re-cracked my ribs running to the room to get to them. I swung into the doorway and Mami was pacing with him.
"He's wheezing really bad." she said softly to me. "He is falling back to sleep, but he sounds terrible. You should take him back to the hospital."
"No. Hand him here."
I knew that I was being stubborn, but I didn't want him to have to go back he had only been home two days.
"Listen to me mi'ja...he needs to go back. Don't be selfish. Don't let him down because you are too stubborn to see he is very sick and he's burning up."
I placed my hand on his little body and he felt iron hot.
"Okay. I'll call the doctor; can you get him in the car seat?"
"Okay."
I walked back into the living room to grab my phone and to get Britt since she hadn't followed me into the room, but she was gone.
Fuck!
I didn't want to do this alone, she was supposed to support me in this kind of situation...right? I called the doctor and let him know what was going on and he agreed that Isaac should come back into the hospital as soon as possible. I double checked for Britt in our room, but she wasn't there. I looked out the window and saw that her truck was gone. Had she just left even with me running out the room so panicked?
I knew this had to do with Frankie but at that moment nothing else mattered more than my son.
"Where's Brittany?" Mami said as she came into the living room carrying the car seat.
"She left...I don't know where to, but I can't worry about that right now." I still had sore ribs and I was shaking badly so Mami decided that she would drive. I smiled at her nervously and handed her the keys. Britt had been right to worry that she'd send me off the deep end, but it wasn't drugs I was craving, it was her. Always and only her, these days. I used to be so good under pressure...but the drugs and PTSD from all the abuse had fucked with my mind and my nerves. Plus, I was feeling run down even if I was trying to ignore it...then I felt guilty because it was probably me that made my baby sick.
Even though she wanted us to be doing this together, she had left so I had to reach out to someone else.
You home?-Ana
Yea...everything okay?-Ian
Meet me at the hospital...he's really sick.-Ana
On my way-Ian
I can't believe you left. WTF, BRITTANY!-Ana
Okay, I'm sorry. You're not my property. I get that but Britt, I'm taking Izzy to the hospital right now and I need you. Where are you?-Ana
I closed my eyes in the passenger seat and fell asleep before we even pulled off. When I woke up again, we were still in the parking lot and Mami was standing with the back door open, trying to calm Isaac down, so I shook off my exhaustion and climbed into the backseat with him. I put my hand on his chest and hummed to him and he seemed to settle a bit. I felt so disoriented. I knew it was the exhaustion and the remnants of this cold...I just needed Isaac to feel better so that I could heal too.
In the time it took Mamà to drive to the hospital I still didn't hear from Britt, even though I called her and left her four messages.
I sat in the back seat with Isaac and tried my best to soothe him. Britt had always been better at keeping him from tears and right then it would be amazing if she was with me. I had to stop thinking about her and Frankie, but I couldn't, and it was making me even angrier. When we got to the hospital Ian was waiting with Isaac's doctor at the main entrance. The sight of him standing there as my eternal knight calmed me down considerably and I no longer wanted to kill Britt.
I had to make it about my son and was happy that at least Ian was thinking the same way. I was happy that I had thought to text him, at times like these you need anyone to help you stay afloat and Britt was not fitting the bill, so I found someone who could...temporarily of course. I didn't realize I had been crying until Ian reached out and wiped my face with a tissue.
"He's going to be fine Mami okay?"
"I know...it's just...ugh! I'm just tired...okay?"
"I understand...let's just get him checked out and you will feel much better."
"Okay."
When we walked inside, and I didn't see her anywhere my heart sank so I put a hand on Ian's arm and leaned towards his ear.
"Hey, have you seen Britt by any chance?"
"No, was she supposed to meet me here?"
"I'm just checking, she probably just got caught up doing something." or someone.
The thought crossed my mind and I felt my stomach drop. I tried my best to ignore the inkling in my gut and just focused on Isaac. The three of us followed the doctor as he checked on Isaac's breathing.
"I am going to take him upstairs for tests...I can only bring one of you."
I was trembling as I stepped forward. I looked back at my mom and she just smiled.
"We will wait for you okay?"
Watching the doctors x-ray my little baby and then immediately start hooking him up to machines almost killed me. I didn't feel like I could ever forgive myself for the pain that I had caused him. He is supposed to be happy and healthy but at two months old he had spent more time hooked up to machines than in my arms. That isn't how things are supposed to be. The doctor kept scribbling things down and then looking back at me...did he know this was my fault?
Was it common knowledge?
"So, are you admitting him?" I asked the doctor as we headed upstairs from his x-ray.
"It looks like he has developed pneumonia so yes, most likely. We are going to get him up to the NICU and start him on a round of antibiotics and breathing treatments."
I walked stiffly beside the doctor wishing that Britt was with me or that my father was here. I needed a friend or my companion. I smiled sadly at Nurse Becky when she picked up Isaac, but I was grateful that she was the first person to soothe him. He loved her, it was clearly obvious. She took one look of at my panic and soothed my fears, telling me exactly what to expect. She had become like a part of the family and I was glad that we came in during her shift because she was my favorite and I'm convinced Isaac was her favorite patient.
I shot a quick text to Ian and Mami to let them know the status and that they could come up in thirty minutes or so and then I stood there holding myself as I looked at my son.
"He's going to be fine Santana this happens with preemies sometimes, but he will recover in about a week hopefully." Becky said as she adjusted the breathing mask.
"This is...was it something I did wrong? Could I have done anything differently? The doctor said I wasn't contagious, but he has the same thing that I did."
"This kind of thing just happens. He went from a completely sterile environment to the real world, Mamas and babies share germs all the time. He is building his immunity it's going to be okay. You did the best thing by bringing him in instead of dealing with it alone."
She got him swaddled up and then began to start all his machines. When she looked at him, she smiled so big and then made this clicking noise with her tongue that made him smile. I had to learn how to do that and try it myself. After he was set up, I sat there in the rocker with my hand resting on his little foot.
"Do you want me to get your wife? Is she here?"
"No...If you see Ian though..." I trailed off not knowing whether B had shown up and feeling like she should be here over Ian. "You know what, just my mom...if she's out there. Thanks, Becky."
"Okay."
She headed to the door and opened it, poking her head out while I turned back to Isaac and watched his eyes dance around. He always seemed fascinated with the air. Britt says that he already has an imaginary friend and Ian says it's a ghost...I'd like to believe it's my dad. He had always wanted a son so, yet another grandson would have been amazing to him.
"Penny for your thoughts?" a scratchy voice said from behind me.
I didn't want to look at her right now because I was afraid of what I might see in her eyes or what I might say once I looked at her.
"Where have you been, B?"
"You know where I was."
"I want to hear you say it." I said through gritted teeth.
"I thought if I told her face to face that we were through that she would get it."
"Yea? How did that go Brittany?" I smiled when I saw Isaac's eyes light up just before he drifted off to sleep.
"Do you really want to talk about this right now?"
"No actually I would just prefer it if you left."
"Well tough cuz I'm not leaving." she sat on the bench next to me and leaned over Isaac and then I smelled it. My healing lungs seized up a bit and I glared at her.
"Is that weed I smell?" I snapped my head in her direction, but she was ignoring me now. "Look at me, Brittany."
I faintly smelled something else on her, but I didn't want to believe that she had literally left me to go and do that. She couldn't be that cold...that selfish...could she? I leaned in and kissed Isaac.
"Okay papa, I will come see you later okay. Mami loves you!"
"You're leaving?"
"We both are." I gripped her arm harder than I meant to and ripped her up from the bench. "Let's go." I held tight to her jacket and marched us straight out of NICU.
Once we were out in the hallway, I pushed her up against the wall and then grabbed her chin and forced her to look at me. Her eyes were bloodshot, and her cheeks were pink.
"I can't believe you came to see him like this. All the times you kept me away and here you are...what makes you so damned special?"
She was staring through me with glassy eyes and it made me violently angry.
Was I like this?
Was this what made her so angry all the time?
There was fire in my veins.
"Go home Brittany."
"No!" she said as she pulled away from me and tried to head back into the NICU.
"Please?" I was begging her, but she didn't want to bend...sometimes she was so fucking unbending that it hurt me to the very core of my being.
"No Santana. I'm not leaving our son."
I threw my hands up in frustration. What more could I do...she was his guardian...I couldn't have her kicked out. I needed some help, someone who she respected needed to step in and while I had never gone this far before, today she needed it.
Mami and Ian hadn't made it up here yet, but I wanted them here. Britt pushed me backwards and went back inside. I was crying now, feeling too upset to see my son. It was time to call the cavalry in.
I need your help...please?-Santana
What's going on?-Susan
Come get Britt...she is out of control-Santana
Where r u?-Susan
The hospital...Isaac has pneumonia...she's here high-Santana
What?!-Susan
Yea...please?-Santana
On my way!-Susan
I sat there trying to get over my anger and frustration, before I went back in. I was hoping Nurse Becky smelled her and didn't let her hold Isaac. I was trying not to let this get to me but I'm not entirely sure that was even possible anymore. My head was pounding, and I was feeling sick with worry over her and Isaac both. I couldn't deal, and I knew what I wanted...what I needed.
"Hi mija." My urges were snapped as my mom sat down next to me and wrapped an arm around me. "How is he?"
"It's pneumonia."
"So, he's admitted?" Ian said, I hadn't even noticed him there. I was really becoming unhinged.
"Yes. You can go in if you want to."
"Why aren't you in there?" he asked sounding confused.
"Britt's in there with him." I whispered as I sat there like a statue, staring off in a daze.
"So? He's your kid too. Go in there."
"Ian...please stop, okay? I just can't go in there right now."
"Why?" he was getting agitated.
"I'll go back inside when she leaves."
Apparently, that wasn't the answer that he wanted to hear because he stormed towards the NICU and swung the door open. I didn't even budge. I just sat there looking after him and could feel the tears choking me, but I shoved the feeling back down not wanting to break down in the middle of the hallway.
"Mija what is it?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing doesn't make you fight tears. What did Brittany do that has you so upset that you don't want to be near her?"
"She's high...I just can't-I can't deal with her right now MamÃ, not on top of everything else!"
I heard light footsteps coming down the hallway and I knew immediately, without even looking that Susan had arrived. I felt my nerves relax a little bit as I looked up at her.
"Where is she?" she asked looking calm and collected as usual. "Excuse my manners, hi Gladys honey bear! So much for our weekend trip, huh? You look great by the way!" Mami smiled in response and whispered some polite thanks as she rubbed my back
"Britt's in there with Isaac and Ian."
"And you're out here with her in that state? I don't think so."
"I just don't want to deal with her like this."
"You shouldn't be out in this hallway...Brittany should be, Santana."
"And now she is." said Ian who was forcefully pushing Britt into the hallway.
She wasn't even putting up a fight, she just stood there looking like a fucking zombie. I looked down at my hands and tried not to cry.
Was that me?
Mami stood up and pulled me up with her, she saw the doubts and guilt in my eyes and she wasn't having any of it.
"Come on Nanita, let's go in with the baby."
I nodded and walked past Britt not even wanting to look at her.
"You called my mom! Seriously...what the fuck, Santana!" She called after me, but I ignored her.
Let her mom deal with her.
There are a lot of things that I am strong enough to take but Brittany being high was not one of them.