A/n: two chapters today. Whoop.
Chapter 64: End this (L.O.V.E) (Hailee Steinfeld)
My head was still hurting as I eased into the rocking chair and stared at my son. When I ran my hand over his little leg, a sparkle on my hand caught my eye.
From the first moment that Britt put my engagement ring on my finger, I had barely taken it off unless it was necessary. Even after I ended things with her, on my finger it remained. I even slept in it but now it felt too heavy for me. I twirled it on my finger and then with a sigh pulled it off.
Isaac was fast asleep as I debated my next move. The rise and fall of his chest came with a little whistle as he slept with his breathing mask on. Last night the whistle had sounded much worse, like every breath hurt him but now it sounded like it was much easier for him to breathe.
Thank God.
Nurse Becky was across the ward, taking care of another baby but I was willing to bet that she'd made sure that Britt hadn't touched Isaac from the moment she smelled her. Isaac was swaddled just as perfectly as when I had dragged Britt into the hallway.
For a long moment, I just tried to breathe through my own lingering sickness. Everything ached and all I wanted was another one of Mami's miracle baths, some sopa, and a long nap. Everyone kept telling me that I would be a better mother to my son by being better to myself and I was really starting to take it to heart as I sat back in the rocking chair and watched over Isaac, vowing to myself that I'd do everything that I could to make sure he didn't end up here again. If I had given him this cold, that was on me and I needed to be smarter. The moment that I felt sick, I should have handed him off, but I kept trying to ignore it and now he was suffering for it.
I let out a long breath and then handed the ring to Mami. "Can you hold onto this for me?" I asked.
"Why are you giving this ring back...it was so beautiful when Brittany came to me for my blessing, Nanita. I know that you love her and she loves you."
"She's going to have to work much harder to earn my love back, Mami. I'm making it too easy for her. The next time there is a ring on my finger, it will be because I am someone's priority not their obligation. Maybe it's impossible to be 100% of what she needs. Maybe 80% is all that I'll ever attain but darn-it, I'd like to be treated like 100%, even if I'm not. She is it for me. My 100% and my foolish heart won't let me forget it."
"Brittany went to see that girl, didn't she?" Mamà said as more of a statement than a question. I gave her a look and she nodded sadly. "You're right, It's time for you to start living for yourself, Nanita. You deserve better. As misguided as some of your actions are, your heart is in the right place but that means nothing if hers isn't."
"I guess not. I'm just trying to be calm and not trip about it too much but her coming to see Isaac with the smoke literally dripping from her clothes and smelling like sex was the final straw. I'm just so ashamed of her right now and my first priority is Isaac, he's defenseless, she kept preaching that to me but then she did this. I'm trying to keep myself from saying stupid stuff to her because I'm no saint, but fuck."
"Language, Nanita and I completely understand."
"You do?"
"I kept your father from you when he was drunk...when I could but he always knew your schedule better than I did."
"Yea well he still got to me."
"That's one of my greatest regrets."
"And that's what I'm trying to avoid. I mean if this is the influence that this girl has on Britt after two hours can you imagine her for months at a time on tour?"
"Do you think that she will be that irresponsible?"
"What's more irresponsible than what she just did, Mami?" My mother raised an eyebrow and then looked over at Isaac making me remember what was more irresponsible.
"Don't be so quick to judge,"
My heart hurt as I thought of all those times that I had chosen to get high rather than put my son's health first. I hadn't thought about him being a real being but now, I know that I was deluded. I won't make that mistake again.
"I regret what I did, every single day. She sees me beating myself up over it and still gets high. I can't imagine what was going through her mind."
"Nanita, I'm sure she thought the same thing when she learned what you'd done."
"I know, I know, and this is why I don't want to talk to her right now because I know that what I did was much worse! I'm the reason he's in here...I know, ok?!" I was beginning to fucking cry and my chest hurt so much as I struggled to breathe.
I went into a coughing fit and then took a deep breath, throwing my head back while wiping my face.
"Breathe, baby." Mami said softly and I took deep breaths and wiped at my tears. I hated this, I was just so tired.
"Who knew that loving her would always leave me feeling so stuck? Why did I think it was easier being with her than without her? I could have just done this life alone, with my son...shit at this point I would rather put up with Marco."
"There's still a chance for that, be careful what you wish for, Nanita. Words have power."
"Fuck." I grumbled and then watched my son flinch. I had been too loud and then more tears came, I hated feeling like this.
Ugh.
"Have you seen Dr. Ramirez?"
"No and I know what you're thinking but I really don't think it's necessary right this second."
"You haven't been this back and forth with your emotions since you were pregnant with Isaac, it's time for you to accept what is, Nanita."
"I can't think about that right now, finding out isn't going to change anything."
"You have been sick, tired, irritable and weepy. You need to check it out so that you can be as healthy as possible...right?"
"Maybe...but what should I do about Brittany and this girl?"
"Sometimes you need to put aside what your body wants and think logically. The heart wants what it wants but it's not just your heart anymore. Your decisions impact your son. You know that."
"I want her, I'm just not so sure I need her. I broke up with her in New York but we were still having sex like rabbits...we never took a step back. She told me she isn't ready to be married and now that I've technically been married twice before 19, maybe I don't need to be married either, but I know myself, I'll give you that ring now but we both know she'll bat her eyelashes at me and I'm putty all over again."
"Maybe this tour has too many red flags...maybe your marriage needs more time to mature before she leaves for two years."
"I already told her to go. I can't go back on my word now."
"Well if there is another baby coming...maybe she won't want to miss that."
"I won't get my hopes up...I don't want her to feel obligated to stay because there may be another baby. Besides, I can do this on my own."
"But you shouldn't have to...why are you even married if you can't rely on your wife to be there for you?"
"She doesn't have to be...she didn't ask to be a teenage mother."
"But she proposed to a teenage mother and knew what she was walking into with both eyes open. Stop giving her excuses. If Aden had asked me to take in his girls I would have done it without a second thought. He was my husband and I supported him, and he supported me, that's how it's supposed to go."
"You're right."
We sat with Isaac all afternoon and then Quinn showed up, after her checkup to come see Isaac.
"Hey Mama Lopez." She said as she walked in her boot like a pro now. She leaned over and kissed Mami's cheek before walking over to Isaac. She leaned down and kissed his head before coming over to the front of the rocking chair. She noticed my missing ring almost immediately, taking my hand in hers and running her thumb over my tan line.
"Susan took Brittany home to pack a bag, she's going to meet you at your house." She said to Mami, then she squeezed my hand, "Celia and I are still just dancing around each other so, I decided to hang out in Lima instead. Britt's going to go to Chicago with Susan and Mama Lopez for the weekend."
"You should still go, Quinn. It's Celia's last exhibit opening, and I know she wanted you there." Mami said to her.
"She's staying for me, Mami. I know she's worried that if you all leave with Brittany, I'll be here alone with too much idle time on my hands." Mami nodded and then I squeezed, Q's hand back. "I'm fine by myself, Q. I have no desire to get high and frankly, if left alone I'd probably just veg out on my couch and binge watch crap tv."
"Are you sure?" She said, looking anxious.
Truth be told, we had been drifting apart for longer than either of us would care to admit so this wasn't a hard decision for me. I really needed some time alone.
"Positive. I really need this time to myself...I'll lock my door and eat when I'm supposed to. It will be good for me, also I'll be able to sanitize the apartment before Isaac comes home."
"Great, then it is settled. Quinn, I will go home and get packed and make sure my daughter has food in her fridge, I need you as a future medical professional to get Santana in to see her doctor before we leave."
"Okay and then I'll have her drop me off at the big house."
"Sounds like a plan. We head out at 8." Mami said, kissing first Quinn, then me and then a bunch of kisses for Isaac. She looked relieved to leave me in the capable hands of Quinn. There was no one who could nag me into more right decisions than the HBIC herself.
Maybe God was on my side for once, maybe this was exactly what I needed.
After another coughing fit, Nurse Becky came over and ushered me out.
"You can come back when you are medicated and well rested. I've got him, you go take care of you."
"You'll call me if there is any change, right?" I said, not wanting to leave him.
"Of course, now get out of my ward or else."
"Or else?" Q asked.
Nurse Becky raised an eyebrow and I stood up, finally. I kissed Isaac's little feet and then fist bumped the crotchety nurse before heading for the door. I could hear the thump and drag of Quinn's boot as she followed me out.
"So which doctor are we seeing?" Quinn asked as she looped her arm through mine and used me as a crutch.
"Dr. Ramirez."
"No, Dr. J?"
"I saw him early this week and last night. I just took my last antibiotics today, so right now I just have this cough that won't quit."
"Then why do you need to go?"
"She knows that I can't convince you to not let me go once you know."
"Know what?"
"I told you before there was a chance that I might be pregnant but now I'm almost certain and Mami thinks that is what is keeping me from completely dumping Brittany."
"Wait...what? I thought you were just messing with me to get me to not eat those fritters" She froze next to me as we waited for the elevator. "It's Ian's, right?"
"God, I hope so."
"No...Santana...it can't be Marco's." She said, sounding just as nervous as I felt. "And it would be totally on me, I was supposed to watch you that day and instead, I let you go off on your own and you fucked him for those papers. I should have insisted you stay with me."
"Too late for that shit. Besides, I have a plan."
"What could your plan possibly be?"
"If I'm pregnant...this is Ian's full stop and I'll leave it like that unless it's painfully clear it's Marco's."
"I've made that mistake before with Finn and Puck, it's not worth it...trust me, plus you slept with them almost a full month apart, right?"
"Damn your fucking logic." And then the bells went off in my head. "And this is why Mami insisted you come with me...that conniving bi-" I started to say but then the elevator opened, and Quinn cut me off, rambling on before I could call my mother out of her name.
"So, you want to be in denial...I can understand that but don't push a second kid on Ian if it's not his. Promise me."
I sighed.
"Fine, I won't do the switcheroo like you did, even though I would be smarter about it but if this is Marco's kid...IF I'm pregnant, I don't want him involved."
"He probably did this on purpose. Marco isn't stupid. You had just had a baby, you were incredibly fertile, and he knew even if he signed those papers, you'd always be his."
I wiped at my tears as we made our way down the annex hallway and then I paused our walking and just leaned against the wall, I needed to know if that was true. Quinn was looking at me, waiting to see if I'd break but instead...I pulled out my phone and did something that I never thought I'd do before she could stop me.
"Princesa?" Marco's voice was very even as he answered, sounding like he was in the middle of a meeting.
"Hi, do you have a minute?"
"For you, of course." He mumbled something and then I heard a door close. "What's wrong?"
"Have you been keeping tabs on me at all since that day?"
"Murmurings reach me, you spent a night in jail. You're back with Brittany. I know you came to New York to see my friend but not see me. Hurt a little but I got over it. Why?"
"I might be pregnant, and I need you to know that...I don't want you involved. Together we are toxic, and I know that your mother would have wanted her grandchild to be healthy and safe."
"Anita, what a blessing...I didn't think...wow." There was no malice in his voice, he seemed genuinely shocked. "Just know that I'm trying to stay sober now, you haven't heard from me since I signed those papers because Nico strong armed me into rehab or he'd stop paying me and money is a little tight. It was time anyway. I've been clean for 30 days and I really am trying to make amends. If you don't want me involved, I'll stay away just as long as you do one thing for me?"
"Marco, I don't want to make anymore fucking deals with you."
"It's not a deal, more like a promise, I just...if it's mine, let them know my family. Please?"
"Swear to me on your mother that you'll back off, let me do this on my own and I'll honor your wish."
He sighed, and I knew this was hard for him.
"I swear on my mother's grave that I will not interfere."
"Thank you."
"Stay sober, Anita...give your kids the best part of you."
"Okay, you're freaking me out. Bye Marco."
"Bye Princesa."
Quinn looked gob smacked as I ended the call, but I just looped my arm through hers again and continued to walk with her.
"Did he agree?"
"He did."
"On his mother?"
"On his mother." Q of all people knew that significance...Marco loved his mother above all else, she'd died when he was still little and he wouldn't swear on her if he didn't mean it.
When I walked into the office, Dr. Ramirez had an open afternoon and was able to see me immediately. We skipped the pretenses because she knew I'd be coming back, Mami may have thought she was manipulating me into this but it had been on my list, just not at the top.
"Have you been taking the prenatal vitamins and steering clear of drugs and alcohol?"
"Yes."
"Your record says you were on antibiotics?"
"I had bronchitis...borderline pneumonia but I'm feeling better aside from this cough."
"Well, colds can be side effects of pregnancy. Let's get this test started."
She had me pee on a stick and took blood work, since she had the time she took everything straight to her lab and left us sitting there. Quinn looked pale.
"What, Q?"
"I just...before you had Isaac, we were attached at the hip and I knew what was going on in your head. I knew you and now, I'm just shocked at how little I know. You're on prenatal vitamins already? How does your wife feel about this?"
"We aren't married...we are barely together. I broke up with her in New York."
"You're kidding me? How don't I know this stuff, Santana?"
"Q, you're preoccupied and so am I. Britt has been making a fucking amazing effort...I was close to taking her back but now Frankie is back in the picture and another kid might be coming. I am recovering from cracked ribs from getting my ass kicked in jail...updating you on everything just wasn't of interest to me."
"Well fuck you too."
"Don't take it personal, Q. I'm all over the place and I've been doing something you urged me to do. Instead of burdening you, I've been leaning more on Mami."
"Well, I can't argue with that. As long as you're talking to someone who has your best interest at heart."
"Oh, I am, she's been practically living with us for two weeks. Britt hasn't hurt me even once...she's been taking her meds at least I think so but this girl...I just don't even know how to feel about it. Now though, I'm just trying to wrap my head around this possibility and how God is giving me a second chance."
"Is it weird that I'm kind of excited?"
"Absolutely."
"It's just, you fucked up royally the first time and now...you get a do over. I wish I had one of those, I'd still have Beth."
There was no comment I could add to that sad look that Quinn gets when she thinks about her little girl. I just feel a pang in my chest because I knew that if I'd been a more supportive friend, that I could have talked her into keeping the kid.
"What is taking this test so frigging long?"
"San it's been like three minutes."
"Exactly!"
I was pacing the room, arms wrapped around myself while Quinn watched me with an amused look on her face. Twenty-five minutes had gone by since the doctor had left me alone in a room with my best friend who was full of questions. I had updated her on every facet of my life since we'd last talked and then she told me only that she was anxious to leave Lima behind. Nothing about the hobbit or my sister the cradle robber.
And then, fucking finally, the door opened and in walked Dr. Ramirez AND Dr. J. I looked between them and could tell they weren't just going to come out with it, so I sat back on the table and folded my hands in my lap. Dr. Ramirez took a seat beside Quinn and crossed her hands in her lap.
Then Dr. J was began taking my vitals himself, asking me all the doctor like questions. I was getting aggravated and then the coughing fit started, and I was wheezing as I took a breath in. He looked concerned as he put the stethoscope on my chest and told me to take a deep breath...then he did it again and again.
He looked over at Dr. Ramirez and then back at me.
"So?" I asked.
"First off, I'm going to prescribe you an inhaler. It seems that you have developed asthma, Santana which is why you are having such a hard time kicking this cough. The medicine should help you if you take it as prescribed."
"Like Isaac." I muttered.
"Yes." He said.
"Okay...is that all?"
"You'll need to follow up with a specialist to confirm my diagnosis and they can prescribe you a nebulizer. You should avoid smoking and being around smokers and domesticated animals."
He opened a new inhaler and showed me how to use it. The relief I felt was immediate. I could breathe again.
"Thanks doc. I can't believe you are making time to check in on me."
"Well you're my favorite patient and Dr. Ramirez asked for a consult, when I heard that it was you, I came to check in right away. How are you feeling other than the cough?"
"Anxious and irritable!" Quinn said while laughing and slapping her thigh. I scowled at her and crossed my arms over my chest. I knew that I was glaring but I didn't care. Sometimes Quinn can be so fucking rude. I huffed in annoyance and then Dr. J looked up and flashed me a genuine smile.
"Well will one of you fucking tell me, please?" I said nearly biting his head off.
"Well Santana it looks like you are the most fertile person on the planet. You are a month along...with a due date on Valentine's Day...ironic don't you think?"
"Too fucking ironic." I spat out feeling queasy suddenly. A month meant this was Marco's baby...I just knew it. Fuck!
"Well hopefully you can stay healthy this time around. Plenty of fluids, low stress, you know the drill. You should monitor your diet, or you will be right back to the diabetes...got it?"
"Thanks doc."
"Anytime. Make sure you see the specialist and keep that nose clean!" he said as he left the room.
I raised my middle finger and Q quickly slapped it down.
Dr. Ramirez did a work up after that and told me she needed me to adhere to my low sugar/low stress diet. Quinn looked like the cat who swallowed the canary because I never had low stress. It was laughable.
"You still have options, Santana."
"No. I don't. Adoption would make me crazy like Quinn and abortion just isn't for me. I respect the right to choose and I'm choosing to see this through."
"I will be here for whatever you need, and I can help you find someone in New York, so you will still have the same level of care."
"Thanks, doc."
"My pleasure. In the meantime, is your plan still to enter treatment?"
"Yes. Day after graduation. My mother is on standby."
"And how about your home life? I see you have minimal bruising."
"She's laid off me."
"Good."
"Can I ask how this baby even survived after that guy beat me up?"
"Sheer dumb luck."
I sat there clenching the edge of the bed and looking at Quinn after the doctors had gone. I had a handful of prescriptions, a referral and a heart that was beating a million miles a minute.
Quinn held my papers while I got dressed and then we left the office arm in arm. Having her here with me was just what I needed.
"I've missed you." I said, she leaned into me as we walked at her slow pace.
"With my Rachel drama and trying to keep your sister on the hook, not to mention this stupid purple cast, I've been a bitch. I know you've even going through it so I took a step back but I've missed you too, so fucking much."
"It's been so lonely at times but I guess it was bound to happen."
"I want you to come to me with your problems though, it's the only time I feel needed. It's sick but I needed to be needed by you."
"Well, lucky for you I'm always wrapped in a conundrum."
"Hit me with your best shot."
"How do I tell B?"
"Be upfront and honest."
"She's going to hate me for this."
"Do you want me to be with you when you tell her?"
"No...I don't want her to feel cornered."
"So, what about Columbia, are you not going anymore?"
"I decided that I'm going to wait a year and now maybe two years to start school."
"Oh...so what about me living with you, am I going to be in the way?"
"I still want you there...I'll be home, and you can go out and live it up for me...ok?"
"Are you sure?"
"Absolutely!"
"Okay good because it's too late to change to Yale. I want to be there for you and for the kids. I want to be the best Godmother in the world...I can watch them whenever you need."
"Q?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
"Aww San...I love you too."
Q hugged me and then I opened the car door for her and helped her in the car. She was looking around touching the interior and the dashboard when I climbed in.
"What do you think?"
"It's beautiful...are there any extra bells and whistles?"
"Nope, those days are behind me."
Before I could pull off she took my hand and brought it to her lips, kissing it twice.
"I'm so proud of you, San...I never doubted that you were strong and capable. I feel so blessed to be your friend."
"You're my sister, Q."
"I'm doing everything to make that become a reality, just so you know."
"I hope that's true, Q."
"Either way, I've always felt like I was a part of you anyway."
"Because you are."
The tears were coming, and I couldn't bear it, so I just looked straight ahead as I pulled out of the parking lot.
Man, I love her!
As we headed to Mami's house, Quinn was texting my sister and smiling like a lunatic. We'd stopped at the pharmacy to pick up my medicine and some junk food before we headed to the house.
I had a lot on my mind. My life was about to get even more interesting. I would be a mother of two by the time I was twenty! I never thought in a million years that I would be THAT girl.
"Bluetooth connected, who do you want to call?"
"Call papa bear."
"Calling papa bear."
I could feel Quinn staring at me, but I didn't acknowledge her.
"Hey MamÃ, you okay?"
"What are you doing?"
"At your mom's, both moms are downstairs making food and I'm laying here across your old bed watching your wife sleep. "
"That's creepy."
"It was at her request she wanted to make sure spiders weren't going to crawl in her brain and lay eggs or something."
"Oh...that's even creepier."
"How did the test go, your mom warned me."
"Passed with flying colors! I'm due on Valentine's Day."
"You're kidding?"
"So not joking right now."
"Wow...that's insane! Yea at this point if I even hug you...you might get pregnant."
"Who's pregnant?" I heard Britt say groggily.
"Shit...don't you say another word. I have to tell her in person...just don't respond she will fall right back to sleep."
"Where are you?"
"I just parked, and I need to help Q out of the car, then I'll be up."
Susan and Mami were packing a cooler when I walked in with Quinn at my side.
"So?" They both said, and I froze. It was one thing for Q and Mami to know before Britt, but her mom was a whole different story. The two of them talked way too frequently.
"Does Britt know it's a possibility?" I asked Susan and she shook her head.
"My daughter should hear that kind of news from you...even if you aren't officially married, you've been living as a married couple. I won't overstep."
"Does that mean I was right?" Mami said before popping a grape in her mouth. She looked smug and I could feel my irritation rising. I helped Quinn into a chair and then leaned against the island.
"I'm pregnant and I plan to tell her right now before she leaves with you guys. No matter what, I need you to continue with your plan to take her. We are not together, she is single as far as I'm concerned, and I want her to really think about whether she still wants me now that I'm carrying another child she didn't ask for."
Susan sighed.
"Santana, she wants to be your wife and to raise a family with you. I thought you wanted that too but now you've gone and slept with someone else and she has too...I just don't understand why you two insist on this rat race."
I raised my eyebrow and stared down Britt's mom, wanting to tell her just how badly her child had fucked me up but that wouldn't solve anything.
"Not that our relationship is really any of your business." I said looking at Mami and Quinn, "We operate differently than other people and I have learned that on and off the medication, if I try to get Britt to do something she rebels. Tell me I'm wrong?" I looked to Susan and she nodded. "Right, so instead of telling her I'm knocked up and now you're even more stuck, which is something she's actually said, I'll give her the option. I never want her to feel like I'm forcing anything on her. It keeps her from physically hurting me, something she's also done repeatedly."
"She never told me...was it bad? Are you ok?"
"I am now. She's been taking her meds and with them she's the girl I fell in love with. I know now that she needs to be in control at all times and I respect that about her."
"Well I did not raise my daughter to be submissive and ready to just be run roughshod by someone else's whims." Mami said slamming a hand on the counter.
"You didn't raise me at all!" I snapped at Mami, her face dropped but she wouldn't look at me. I had gone too far. "Mami...lo siento." She shook her head and turned her back to me, not wanting anyone to see her hurt. I moved towards her but then hesitated when Q cleared her throat.
"San go see Britt, you solve nothing by attacking the people who have your back. Go." I wanted to argue but I just nodded and left the kitchen without another word.
My body hurt as I walked up the stairs to my old bedroom. When I pushed the door open, Ian hopped up off the bed and met me at the bedroom door with a stupid smile on his face. He leaned over and kissed my forehead and then ran a hand over my stomach.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that this was not his kid...I had promised Quinn that I would be truthful, but he just looked so happy so I'd slay that dragon another day.
"Goodnight...my little baby factory." he whispered. I stepped on his foot and he nearly fell over. "Shit...sorry! I was just kidding"
"Not funny! Now go home...goodnight!"
"Goodnight."
Britt was snoring in the bed with her stinky clothes on...ugh!
I shut my old bedroom door and walked into the bathroom, turned on the shower and got out two towels. I was hoping the sheets didn't smell because I really didn't want to change them. We still had clothes here for situations just like this one, so I pulled out a change of clothes and then I went over to her side of the bed and ran my hand up and down her back.
"Brittany?"
"Hmmm?"
"Come take a shower."
"Sorry only with my wife." she mumbled, so I kissed her.
"I am your wife, Daddy." I felt her lips turn into a smile as she recognized my luscious lips. "Ana?"
"One and only. Get up and get naked with me." she peaked an eye open and then quickly shut it again.
"Are you mad at me?"
"Come get naked. I can never be too mad at you when your boobs are involved."
"Pervert!" she said as she sat up.
"Only for you B. Now get up! Get naked and meet me in the shower. I'll see you in there!" I said as I walked away while stripping down piece by piece. I laughed to myself when I could feel her eyes burning on my ass as I swayed into the bathroom.
I was halfway through washing my body when Britt finally climbed in. When I turned to her, there was an insane look of regret on her face. My stomach dropped, and I knew that the smell of sex from earlier wasn't just a figment of my imagination.
"Did you fuck her?"
"Yes." B nodded and then bit her lip. I shrugged and then turned away to rinse off, I needed to calm down and take control back especially since I wasn't one to judge.
"Say something Ana." I turned back around and rubbed soap into a washcloth before getting down on my knees and then I began washing her feet. I slowly moved up her body feeling her skin raise every time I moved to a new area. I loved when simple things turned her on.
"Ana...please...say something." she was whining now but I didn't care about that. I pulled myself to my feet and continued to wash her body. I avoided her eyes even when I washed her ears. She went to speak again but I turned her around and began to wash her back. When I was done, I pushed her forward under the water and watched as all the soap rinsed from her body.
Britt seemed much cleaner now, but I could still smell it...faintly...the weed mixed with cheap perfume. I was perplexed until it suddenly hit me that it must be in her hair. I squeezed shampoo into my hands and then pulled her head down and began to scrub and scratch my fingers against her scalp. Britt's eyes rolled back in her head as I massaged her scalp and neck under the water. Just as she was stepping from under the water I leaned in and kissed her lips again.
"Ana?"
"Yes?"
"I quit for good."
"Quit what?"
"The tour. Every time I'm near her I can't help myself. She just has this way."
"You used to say that about me."
"Because you have a way with me too."
"I think you should have gone off with her...lived a new life where you screw all the time and had rough violent sex. That's what you like right?"
"What?"
"The long red scratches on your back the bite marks on your breasts. You always tell me you want to be in control with me, you want me to submit to you but with her it's rough and violent, if that's what you want than I'm sorry I can't be all that for you B."
"That's not what I want...I just want you."
"That's why you left today and then didn't answer my messages or phone calls because you want me?" I said as I gripped her waist loosely.
"I quit the tour for you."
"No, you quit the tour for yourself not for me. I had nothing to do with your decision."
"I told her that we are done."
"This is all some game to her, you know that, right? You just keep going back even though she called you stupid. I'm so tired of it all, I shouldn't be fighting this hard to keep this relationship going. You were doing so good with winning me back."
"I still want that...I still want to be with you."
"But we are not together, B. You're single, that's why I'm not mad at you for fucking her because, I dumped you. That's why I'm not wearing my wedding ring from now on, because it doesn't mean anything anymore. I have more important things to worry about right now."
She held my left hand in hers and then looked at me with so much betrayal and rage.
"Like what, what's more important to you than fixing things between us?"
"Our son, Isaac. Remember him?"
"The doctors sai-"
"I know what they say but I still worry. I will always worry about him."
"I worry too you know, as soon as I turned my phone back on and saw your messages I rushed right over."
"Gee thanks, Britt Britt."
"Why the sarcasm?"
"Because you should never turn your phone off when we have a sick baby. He comes first, that's what being a parent means."
"Sorry."
"Just don't turn it off...okay? I don't care where you are or if we're together, just keep your phone on."
"Ok."
"Good."
"We are even now you know that, Ana?"
"What?"
"You fucked Ian and I fucked Frankie. We are even now."
"Fantastic...let's go tit for tat like we're children."
"I'm sorry."
"Yea I know," I pressed my hand to my forehead, feeling the pulsing of a headache. "I just have a lot on my plate B. This shit with you and Frankie is too much. I don't want to worry about you too, I need to stay healthy this time."
"This time?"
I ignored her and turned off the water, grabbing our towels before stepping from the shower. She followed me into the room and then I began to spread lotion on her body. I could feel her eyes on me as I tried to drum up the courage. Finally, as I began to lotion myself I was feeling bold as she continued to stare.
So I stopped and sat on the edge of the bed.
"I have to tell you something and I need to know you won't get violent with me, tell me you took your meds?"
"Yeah, mom made me."
"Thank God."
"What did you do?" There was fire in her eyes when she said that.
"Promise me." I said.
She was dressed now and had her arms crossed over her chest as she looked at me.
"What is it?"
"Promise me you'll keep your hands to yourself first."
"Fine. I promise."
"I'm pregnant."
"What?! When did you find this out?"
"An hour ago."
"Does Ian know?"
"Yea...it's only your opinion that I care about though. So, tell me what you think honestly."
"I don't know anymore, maybe you're right."
"What do you mean?"
"What are we doing? Do you even want me?"
"Of course, I do!"
"I can't tell! With Frankie, I know she wants me, but you are making me work for something I already had."
"I just want you to cherish me, B. Like you used to."
"And I do."
"You don't but that's okay cuz you're free, Britt. I don't expect you to stick around for this kid...you're not even legally anything to Isaac so you don't need to stick around at all. Go enjoy being 18, go on tour...fuck around."
"No. I don't want an out. I want a family with you, baby. It's just happening faster than I thought."
"There's more that you should know."
"Oh God! What else, Santana?"
"He doesn't know yet but...this isn't Ian's baby."
Her face went pale because she knew about Marco and I just nodded.
"I can't fight him for custody he's a lawyer!"
"He doesn't want the baby, B. He swore on his mother that he wouldn't interfere."
"He knows about this?"
"I told him today there was a chance but I didn't want him involved and he agreed."
"And you trust him?"
"I do...in this case, yes."
"I don't know this complicates things...it's all too much for me. I'm 18, I'm still figuring out what I want."
"And that's okay, I just wanted you to know everything. You saw the house, you know about the baby and now you know about Marco being the father. I don't have any more secrets from you, Britt. When you go away for this weekend, I want you to really think about whether you want to still be a part of my life."
"If I don't, will you let me be around still?"
"What do you mean?"
"Say, we don't work out, will you let me be a mom to the kids?"
"Always. I could never deprive them of all the awesomeness that is you as their Mama if that's what you want. Together or not, if you decide that these are your kids then I will never stand in the way and I won't let Ian or Marco or anyone else take them from you. I promise you that. There is no safer place for our kids than in your arms."
Britt and Mami insisted that they go with me back to the apartment to drop off groceries. I felt strong enough, but they didn't want me lifting anything heavy. They weren't around when I was pregnant with Isaac, not really and now they were overcompensating after knowing about this pregnancy for an hour. If this is how they were going to act, I knew that they'd both make me crazy by the time the kid was here.
Mami left me with Papi's old car and they took my SUV, excited to have space to stretch out with Quinn's big old cast. I stood at the back window and looked in on the other part of the trinity. Britt still had bloodshot eyes and then she reached out the open window and cradled my face in her hand.
"Have a great time relaxing, Lollipop."
"Thanks, B."
"If you get lonely, call Rachel." Quinn said, leaning against B.
"Only if she wants to bake me a shit load of cookies."
"Language." Mami and Susan both yelled back.
I leaned in and kissed Britt's forehead and then she gripped my shirt and crashed her lips against mine. "Um...I need a minute...can you guys wait for me?" Britt asked.
"Brittany Susan, we are literally in the car and it's almost 8:30, we are all packed up and now you want to go have quality time with Santana?" Susan scolded.
"Your mom is right, times up B. If you want me, I'll be here."
I kissed my mom's face and then waited for them to pull away before I headed back inside. My head was still aching, and my chest was tight.
Finally, alone in my apartment for the first time in way too long, I locked the door and rested back against it, before I did anything I took a moment to swallow my medicine and use my new inhaler again. My ability to breathe without struggling was priceless. If this was only a fraction of what my son felt, I would never put off taking him to the hospital again.
Mom guilt was real.
The first thing I noticed after getting my medicine over with was the staleness in the air of my place. Mami had been keeping my kitchen immaculate but everything else seemed to be lacking. So, I stripped down to my sports bra and put on a pair of Britt's boxers before putting in a load of clothes. I started in the bedroom, stripping the bed and picking up random laundry from the floor. Britt was always clean, except for the socks. I just didn't get how everything ended up in the hamper but those.
I was finishing up the bathroom two hours later and feeling much happier when my stomach grumbled. Old Santana would ignore the hunger, but I vowed that this baby would be delivered on time looking fat and plump. So, I ate the left over sopa from Mami and two slices of bread.
If this kid was anything like Isaac, I needed to stock up on the bakery products.
After three hours, the apartment was cleaned the way that I liked it. I took another shower and then pulled on Britt's Juilliard shirt. I'd missed walking around in nothing but her big t-shirts, with Mami around I had to wear something underneath because she's a prude and apparently, my roof is really her roof.
Now though, with my blinds drawn and no one to answer to, I felt free to do what I wanted to do.
Almost there, u ok?-Britt
Just finished cleaning and showering-Lolli
I sent her a pic of me in her Juilliard shirt with a winky face.
Wanky-Britt
I know right-Lolli
I was about to send another message when there was a knock on the door.
Someone is knocking, you didn't come, back did you? LOL-Lolli
Almost midnite! Who dat?-B
Idk. Checking peephole-Lolli
The knocking continued, and I went to the peephole and froze.
Who is it-B
Frankie-Lolli
No! Don't answer.-B
Enough is enough-Lolli