Destiny
Dizzying flashes of red, green, blue and yellow - the discordant organ music of the carousel brought a smile to Christine's face – easing the tension she had been feeling since agreeing to this outing. The crowds of people surrounding them followed no particular path – a young couple first pointing at the Ferris Wheel, before stopping in amazement to watch the performers – a man on stilts, a juggler. A father and mother attempting to corral their three children, each pressing to go in a different direction. Occasional whoops of pleasure – an occasional tussle. Fairs and the like – the people, the smells of cooking meat and popped corn – the noise, especially the noise – were not completely unfamiliar to Christine.
Pappa Gustave had made his living playing his violin at venues such as this. There was a sense of coming home being here, were she being truly honest with herself. And there was no reason to be otherwise.
The enormity of Phantasma left her awestruck. All of these combined brought her to a state that bordered on pure bliss. Her own happiness was reflected in her son's eyes.
Erik had built this. Erik, Mr. Y – Mister Y – mystery – such a clever man, her Erik…no, not her Erik – best not to think in those terms. Still, young Gustave, at age ten, was able to express the joy and excitement she herself kept contained close to her heart.
"Not exactly the Palais Garnier, is it?"
"An understatement – but then this is a place for fun."
"You did not think the opera to be fun?" Erik raised an eyebrow.
"Surely you are not seri…" Christine cut short her response once she looked away from the horses, giraffes, rabbits and dogs chasing one another around and around, never to be caught, to see the glimmer of a smile creasing the uncovered side of his face, revealing a dimple she had not known existed. More mysteries unveiled. Had she ever seen him smile? "You have changed."
"I have aged."
"That is not it. I have aged as well, but feel the heavier for it."
"Your marriage…"
The sharpness of her look cut him short. The topic had so far been off limits – her intention was to keep it so – for the time being.
"I left you with an incredible burden – even had you not become with child."
Ignoring his remarks, her attention returned to the merry-go-round, "Look, there is Gustave!" The spate of anger dissolved in the pleasure of seeing her son – their son – thoroughly enjoying himself. The wooden sword, a gift, one of the many Erik had bestowed on him, waving in the air at the dragon he pursued from his mighty black horse rearing on its hind legs.
"Gustave, be careful, hold onto the reins with both hands," she called out. A deep sigh suggested she realized the boy either could not or would not hear her cautions.
"That is quite a steed he chose – are you certain you do not want to ride? There are seats disguised as animals – the lovely swan, perhaps."
"Can you assure I will not become ill – the voyage here found me below deck more often than I care to admit?"
"Did no one inform you that the air and watching the horizon would quell the upset?"
"No."
"I thought Raoul was a navy man." His tone matter-of-fact, no suggestion of sarcasm. Despite his hatred of her husband – he was taking care to keep his comments neutral, if he spoke of him at all.
"As you have become aware – Raoul is not terribly interested in his family." She had broken her own rule, looking straight ahead, she watched him out of the corner of her eye. Was she really saying so much? Wells of anger bubbled up from somewhere deep within, bringing a flush to her cheeks. Yet another offense to push down. This was neither time nor place, if there ever would be, to allow all the feelings roiling within her to flow freely.
"Bitterness does not become you." Erik's voice is soft, tinged with sadness – keeping his own eyes facing forward on the changing panorama the carousel presented. The movement of the wheel allowed them both an odd sense of privacy in the midst of the humanity surrounding them.
"Be that as it may – it exists. My joy is my son."
"Our son?"
Her eyes – the color of a mountain stream – threatened to shred him.
"My son. For now, he is mine alone."
"I will accept the for now."
"You really have no choice." Despite the harsh words, her tone was light…teasing. She could not deny the comfort – the rightness – she felt being in his presence again. Ten years was it? He talked of how difficult it had been for him. Believed she understood why he left her bereft and alone. Of course he was wrong – she did not understand then – was not sure she could understand now – whatever he might say.
Why had she left him alone in the lair that night – leaving with Raoul was not what she wanted – not after kissing Erik, feeling his heart next to hers when she pulled him close. If only he had given some encouragement for her to stay. He had set her free – but it was not the freedom she wished for.
It had taken weeks of living under the oppressive rule of the Chagnys, planning a wedding she could not embrace with any pleasure. Raoul was already using liquor and gambling to fill the empty hours of his life. The events of that night proved more than he could cope with. Then there was the blame. The ever- present blame hanging over them both like a storm cloud – never spoken or recognized in a way to dispel the darkness.
She had waited too long to return to him, to the lake, to the darkness where she had fallen in love with her Angel of Music. An angel who turned out to be merely a man. Little did he know when he told her Destiny has chained you to me forever, how true that statement would prove to be. She was his as much as he was hers.
Or perhaps he did know. Ten years had given her a great deal of time to play their relationship over and over in her mind. Despite her greatest efforts to dismiss him – he was always there in the person of their son.
The boy's fascination with music – beyond the gifts one might expect from a mother with a heavenly voice, or a grandfather who could charm the sourest of drunkards at the inns where they would often stay. Gustave composed pieces of music intricate and complex, suited to someone far older – to the point where she was often uncomfortable listening to them. His curiosity about anything and everything wore out tutor after tutor – he would learn faster than they could teach.
That Raoul was unable to love the boy was no surprise. Yet, she still wished he would try – the fault was not Gustave's. Their efforts to conceive a child failed. Fate would bless her with one child and that child was Erik's.
"Why did you leave?"
His response was so quick – the four simple words were barely out of her mouth when he answered.
"I was hunted. Everything I owned was destroyed – I could not move freely – day or night – despite the pain of losing you, I was not prepared to die. Paris only held death. It was only recently I have been able to access my financial resources."
The words sounded rehearsed – or, perhaps she had simply become used to excuses and explanations. Had he hoped for this moment to explain? Had he hoped the explanation would be enough? "I could have talked to them."
"Ah, Christine – I had created a situation for myself whereby people wanted me dead. It mattered naught my sins did not deserve such vengeance."
"Because Piangi did not die?"
"Piangi did not die – Buquet was a victim of one of my traps, but it was an accident. My sin was loving you and you defending me. I could not allow you to suffer for your kindness." The golden eyes, moist with tears, plead for her understanding. "They would have killed you, too."
Pressing her hand against his arm, before resting her head on his shoulder – the first time since being reunited did she trust herself to touch him. "If you could change things?
"You would come with me…with us…to join the circus."
"Was it terrible?"
"It was necessary – and it was my choice."
"They hate me, you know."
"Not then," he chuckles. "You were asking about then."
"Now?"
"You said there was no now for us."
"I am reconsidering."
When he leaned down to kiss her – she pulled back. "I need time…"
Erik nodded, taking her arm. "Look, the carousel is coming to a stop. Come, take a ride, I am certain Gustave would approve."
"No doubt."
When they located the boy, Erik lifted her onto the ride, jumping up after her.
"You are going to join me?" The boy exclaims. "It is so much fun – you must sit on the dragon so I can chase you."
"Your mother and I will sit here and watch your pursuit of that dastardly beast."
Satisfied with the response, Gustave settles into the gilded saddle, urging the horse with his heels. "Onward!"
As if in response to the boy's command, the organ played and the carousel, along with the couple seated in a carved swan, began a new journey.