I have been reading Jane Eyre for the umpteenth time during this lockdown and I started thinking about what might have happened if Jane hadn't left. I don't think Jane would have accepted Mr. Rochester's offer as it were due to her high principles, but maybe something else could have caused her to stay.

"Farewell, kind Mrs. Fairfax!" I whispered as I glided past her door. "Farewell, my darling Adele!" I said as I glanced towards the nursery. No thought could be admitted of entering to embrace her. I had to deceive a fine ear: for aught I knew it might now be listening.

I turned to look at the foyer of Thornfield one last time. I held my emotions in check, refusing to dissolve into tears again. I would be leaving my dear master, never to see him again and be parted from him forever. I recalled my heart's piteous goodbye, "Farewell for ever!" as I had left his presence for the last time and it took every ounce of my courage not to run to him, to comfort him, to be his again.

"Mademoiselle!"

I turned to see Adele running down the steps. "Adele, why are you awake?"

The little girl ignored the question and grabbed me in a hug. "You are leaving, Miss Eyre?" she asked, muffled against my waist.

I stroked Adele's soft curls, my heart breaking even further at having to leave the abandoned little girl. Would the tortures of the day never end?

I softly unclasped Adele's arms from around me and I sat on the stairs, putting the girl on my lap. "Adele…I-", I didn't know what to say, should I tell her the truth?

Adele kissed me, "Mademoiselle, please do not leave us. S'il vous plait!" she pleaded.

I breathed deeply, pushing the pain away. I had to leave. There was no method in which I could stay. But my heart was being torn apart. I would have to leave the people who were kind to me, cared for me, respected me…leave them for what? I still didn't know where I was to go; just that Thornfield would never be my home again.

"Adele, look at me," I said gently. The little girl looked up, her blue eyes wet. "Yes, I am leaving."

Adele sobbed, "But why? Do you not love me anymore?"

I was aghast but I understood the thought, "No my darling, of course I love you! I just…I can't stay here anymore."

"Is it because you and Mr. Rochester did not get married? Sophie told me you couldn't get married but I did not understand why."

I tried to smile, "Yes, dearest. It is difficult to explain but I have to leave."

Adele's eyes filled again, "No mademoiselle, no, you cannot go!"

Her voice became almost hysterical. I tried to soothe her with kisses and caresses but Adele would not be consoled. I worried that her voice would awaken the house and my escape would be caught. It was unfair; I was not a caged bird, as I had told Mr. Rochester once. I was free to live and leave as I wished. So what if my heart and soul were being torn apart, as I desperately wanted to stay and accept Mr. Rochester?

"I am so sorry, Adele," I said, defeated in front of the despair of the little girl, "Forgive me…"

"I will never forgive you, never, never, never!" Adele was hysterical in the throes of her tantrum, stamping her foot as she jumped from my lap.

"Adele…" My voice trailed off.

"I hate you! Je te deteste!" she yelled at me and ran up the stairs.

I turned away, devastated. There was nothing that could be done and I wished to be away before the household awoke. I dashed away the tears that escaped from my eyes. My heart was in agony, thinking of everything that I was to leave behind. A shriek turned me quickly back towards the stairs. Adele was falling backward, having probably stumbled on the old steps and tumbling down the stairs.

I could not get to her in time. Adele's little body lay at the bottom on the stairs. My mind was filled with horror, and I ran to the unconscious form. I shook her softly, "Adele?" I whispered in her ear and received no response. The girl was breathing, thank God, but a trickle of blood escaped her ear.

The shriek had brought Mr. Rochester to the foyer. He surveyed the scene and ran down, "Jane? Adele? What happened?"

I could not look him in the eye, "She fell from the top of the stairs," and I wrung my fingers together, scared for my young charge.

"Don't touch her," he ordered. He strode outside the front and called for John, who was luckily awake. He ordered him to go get Dr. Carter and returned to us at the foot of the stairs. I folded my shawl over the girl, trying to stave off the cold from the stone floors.

"How did this happen?" he demanded.

I did not wish him to know about my close escape. I could always try again but right now, I had to be Adele's governess and friend and could not leave immediately. "She ran up the stairs and probably tripped. I couldn't catch her and she fell all the way down." I am telling the truth at least, I told myself.

"What were you doing out here?" he demanded.

I could not answer him.

Mr. Rochester ran his hand over his face, and I noticed his bloodshot eyes. "Jane, I- I don't know what to say to you right now. I wish to speak to you again…but at this moment, our attentions are needed elsewhere."

I nodded. There was no question about it. I would have to leave Thornfield eventually but not until I was sure Adele was well. 'My poor child,' I thought as I stroked her soft cheek. I refused to look at Mr. Rochester and he accepted my rejection. We sat for a few minutes on the floor and he got up to pick up some brocade cushions from a nearby sofa, offering one to me. I shook my head and refused, feeling I did not deserve the comfort when Adele was in pain.

She moaned slightly, and Mr. Rochester held her shoulders fast. "Do not move, Adele," his tone was soft and gentle, a tone I had never heard before addressed to Adele. No response came from the little girl and I started praying desperately. Praying for her health, praying for her safety, praying for this nightmare to end. An hour must have passed as we waited, watching the little girl breathe steadily.

Dr. Carter walked in with John, looking grave as he approaches his new patient. He sat on the ground next to her and examined her. He opened her eyes to gaze at her pupils, he listened to her heart. He pulled out a bottle of smelling salts from his bag but even that could not rouse Adele. He asked John and Mr. Rochester to help him. They moved Adele on to the table nearby.

"Would a sofa or bed not be better?" I asked quietly.

"I need to examine her head and back, and she has to remain steady," he retorted brusquely.

I stood back from the scene, feeling lost. An hour ago, my life was over and I had steeled myself for a new existence among strangers. Now I cannot escape…or could I? No, I couldn't. Looking at Mr. Rochester next to Dr. Carter brought me such affliction. My dear master was in pain, once again in connection to me.

Neither of them looked at me so I decided to make myself useful and tell Mrs. Fairfax about the state of affairs. I climbed up the stairs again, not knowing what the rest of the day would hold.