A/N: so the first two chapters of this fic are flashbacks (sorry) and then the third chapter will take us to the present, which is about a week or so after episode 10.16. I want to make it clear that this fic series will not be following the events of canon post 10.12 (though I will occasionally refer to bits and pieces of it, like facing the horde in 10.16). If I make any fics related to canon post 10.12, they will likely be spinoffs and won't affect the universe of this fic. Also, any backstory we find out about Magna and Yumiko on the show from now on will also likely be ignored because I've got about 80k words worth of draft and it all depends very heavily on backstory details that I've made up and I don't want to toss it all away. Hopefully that's okay.

The first part of this chapter takes place after my last fic, We're On the Borderline, and the second part takes place the day after 10.5

Sigh. The way my Yumiko centric fic just keeps getting pushed back further and further. . .

I know that at least two more fics (possibly three) have to take place before that one, but hopefully no more than that.

Anyway, take this Miko centric chapter in compensation until I finally get around to that.

Past

"You know, sooner or later you're gonna have to let Magna in on the fact that she's your girlfriend."

At Kelly's words, Yumiko resisted the urge to roll her eyes, not bothering to look up. "She's not my girlfriend."

They were skinning that morning's catch - a rabbit and a squirrel - and readying them for the night's stew.

She grimaced, glancing down at what was left of the rabbit in front of her, remembering her sweet bunny, Matilda, who had followed her around everywhere as a child. This felt somewhat sacrilegious.

If it wasn't deeply impractical, the apocalypse would have made a vegetarian out of her years ago.

Kelly eyed her with a profound level of skepticism. "You share a sleeping bag every night - a really tiny one, too. Even when it's hot as fuck. And the cuddling. I'm pretty sure you've been going steady for the past eight years."

More like nine.

She might have laughed at the assessment if it wasn't so painfully accurate.

"It's complicated."

Things with Magna often were.

Hell, things with herself too.

"Yeah, falling for your best friend usually is." Kelly shrugged, not seeming nearly as bothered by this fact as Yumiko. "But it's also really fucking simple. You love her. She loves you. What could be more simple than that?"

In a way, she was right. Their feelings for each other were as simple and straightforward as they came (whether both of them were aware of those feelings or not). But she and Magna weren't simple people and neither was their relationship - and it would become even less so if they attempted to interfere with what had become the reliable workings of a well-oiled machine.

That made all the difference.

"Magna and I both. . . have issues." That was putting it lightly. "Especially when it comes to relationships." Magna might wear those issues more blatantly than she did but that didn't stop Yumiko from being aware of her own share of complexities that she brought to the table.

Her own baggage, which some days seemed to hold the weight of the entire planet.

Kelly shrugged once more. "We're eight years into an apocalypse. Everyone has issues." Despite her flippant tone, there was a dash of empathy to her gaze.

True. But not everyone had issues before the apocalypse even had a chance to dish them out. She also suspected that, in a way, civilization's demise had been good for Magna. She fit far more comfortably in this new world than she ever had in the old one. The rules made sense to her, whilst society's rules had only brought about alienation, even persecution. And so the apocalypse had helped her - or, at the very least, hadn't harmed her.

The same couldn't be said for Yumiko.

She could survive this world, she could even live in it - but not without sacrificing far too much of herself in the process. That was the price.

And Yumiko had decided years ago that she was willing to pay it.

(no matter how much shame that brought her)

Frowning, her gaze drifted to the subject of their conversation. Magna was sharpening one of her countless knives and, as if sensing Yumiko's attention on her, glanced up. There was a momentary look of surprise before she smiled, the way she had once seen her smile when she opened the door to Yumiko's fridge and found, for the first time, a bottle of non-homogenised full cream milk staring back at her. The woman was a bit of a milk snob but didn't have the budget to buy the kind she'd adored for free as a child. Yumiko would have bought it for her - anything to witness the delight that always came over Magna's face whenever she got the opportunity to drink it - but she knew that the gesture would be rejected, if it didn't offend her outright.

So she'd bought a bottle for her own apartment, the day Magna was expected to come over for dinner.

The smile on her face when she saw it was well worth getting up early to make the side trip to a specialty store before work.

Yumiko's expression fell a moment later, however, as she thought over their current predicament. She wondered if Magna would still smile at her like that after she learned the truth about what lay between them.

She knew that she should just bite the bullet and get it over with but. . .

Kelly didn't miss the shift in her mood. "What is it?"

Yumiko sighed, "It's nothing." She looked down, away from Magna, back to the grizzly looking carcass in her hands. An action that was rather difficult to execute - the object of her affections offered a far more inviting view. "I don't know, sometimes I get the feeling that she's still holding something back from me."

After eleven years of friendship, it was getting to be a little worrying.

"Yeah, the fact that she wants to jump your bones."

Yumiko rolled her eyes, shoving the younger woman's shoulder. "I really doubt that's it."

Especially because she still wasn't convinced Magna was even aware that she wanted to 'jump her bones'. She hadn't forgotten that tipsy declaration years ago, her guileless conviction that she was immune to the workings of romantic love. Yumiko hadn't seen any evidence since then to mark a shift in that belief.

And whilst she didn't have any concrete proof to suggest that Magna was indeed holding something back from her, she did have this feeling. . .

An irritatingly persistent one.

But perhaps this was just another way for her anxiety over the state of their relationship to unsettle her. Another deterrent to keep her from taking that irrevocable step, risking all they had, and confessing her feelings for the woman she couldn't bear to lose.

Her conversation with Connie was still fresh in her mind and, although she'd taken pains to obliterate the distance that had grown between them - not wanting Magna to spend another second thinking that Yumiko was upset with her - she still hadn't done anything about it.

She still hadn't told Magna the truth.

Perhaps this was just her brain's way of grasping at any excuse it could find not to do so.

But even with this rationalization, she still felt uneasy. She knew Magna better than anyone and she knew when something was bothering her, whether she was willing to give voice to it or not.

Hopefully, Kelly was right and the other woman was simply conflicted over her 'secret' feelings for her. Which would pass when she came to be more accustomed to them.

Hopefully.

Three Weeks Ago

"You know it wasn't just her, right?"

Kelly's voice startled her from the memory and Yumiko frowned, glancing up from the shirt she'd been inspecting. It was Magna's. Her favorite. But the other woman had left it behind when she'd fled their room last night. Had left everything behind, in fact. And she hadn't returned since to grab any of her things, even though she must surely be in need of them by now.

That damn book Magna had been using to ignore her yesterday was resting on their bedside table, an old sock sticking out of it as some poor excuse for a bookmark. She'd spent most of last night lying on their bed, staring at it as the hours crept on, her mind racing with all she'd just learned. All she hadn't known. The things they'd said to each other.

That book mocked her into the early hours of the morning, until she'd finally passed out from exhaustion.

She wondered whether Magna had fared any better when it came to sleep. Knowing her, probably not.

That made her feel guilty. Which just pissed her off even more because she shouldn't feel guilty. Magna was the one who'd fucked up. She was the one who'd-

Yumiko closed her eyes.

She couldn't even think about what she'd done, or begin to process it. The enormity of her lie, her betrayal. . .

It made the last thirteen years of her life, of their life, feel like a sham.

How could she do this to them?

To her?

"What?" Yumiko asked, frowning slightly in confusion. Kelly had come in about ten minutes ago under the guise of hanging out - though she suspected it was just a poorly veiled attempt to find out what the hell was going on with her friends. But Yumiko had accepted the ruse without comment, glad for the company, a chance to distract herself. Besides, they hadn't been spending a lot of time together lately, too much going on, too many other people to talk to, and she'd missed Kelly. Missed their conversations. Even moreso now, in light of how close they'd come to losing her.

But her thoughts kept straying back to fucking Magna.

The enforced distance between them did nothing to keep the other woman from her mind and it was beginning to grate.

"The stash," Kelly said simply. "It wasn't just Magna. We both thought it was the smart thing to do."

Yumiko sighed, tossing the shirt in her hand aside. If Magna wanted it, she could damn well come and get it herself. Yumiko wasn't going to make it easy for her. Far from it.

Kelly's words did nothing to assuage her anger. "I know."

The stealing she could have forgiven. The stealing she understood. But the lie?

Yumiko didn't think she could ever understand that.

Or forgive it.

Kelly frowned. "Then why is it only her you're angry at?"

She'd been rifling through the drawers and bringing out articles of clothing - all Magna's - to make a pile on the bed. Yumiko was beginning to realize that maybe Kelly had possessed an ulterior motive for coming here today besides the obvious opportunity to probe, that maybe Magna had sent her to collect her things.

So she wouldn't have to risk facing Yumiko.

She kneaded her forehead, already feeling the beginnings of a headache.

How had it come to this?

Taking her hand away with a sigh, Yumiko hesitated, wondering how best to explain her position to Kelly. To help her understand something that even she couldn't fully wrap her head around. And to do so without violating Magna's privacy. As angry with her as she was right now, she would never do that. She would never betray Magna's trust, not in the way she'd betrayed hers.

"Because I used to be a part of those decisions," she exhaled. The stealing, at least, Kelly already knew about. So that was a good place to start. "For ten years, that's how we did things. And if she didn't include me in the process, then at least she told me about it after. And I was angry at you. But the hurt. . . that was all Magna."

Kelly nodded in understanding. "You trusted her more."

She hesitated again because that wasn't exactly right. "Not more. Just differently. Like I'm sure you trust Connie differently than you trust me."

She'd thought she and Magna had some sort of understanding. That thirteen years of knowing one another, trusting one another, had given them that. They'd disagreed on things in the past. That was to be expected.

But Magna had never blocked her out so absolutely as she had this year. Left her in the dark, lied to her face when Yumiko had thought to question her.

If an understanding had existed between them, apparently Magna had decided it wasn't worth shit.

"She's your person."

Yumiko nodded slowly. That was an accurate moniker for what Magna was to her. Client, friend, girlfriend - even family - never quite seemed to cover it; to fully encapsulate the other woman's significance in her life.

Privately, within the safety and seclusion of her own thoughts, Magna was simply hers.

Or she had been.

Yumiko closed her eyes, pushed away that thought. "And it turns out she lied about something else. Something . . ." She shook her head uselessly, "a lot bigger."

Kelly nodded, thoughtful. "I get that. Betrayal hurts, especially when it comes from the person closest to you." She frowned, though. "But you know you're everything to her, right?"

Yumiko's brow furrowed, not sure where she was going with this.

She certainly hadn't felt like 'everything' last night.

She'd felt like trash.

Kelly went on, "I just mean, whatever shit she did, she wasn't doing it to hurt you. She'd never want to do anything to hurt you. That's gotta count for something, right?"

Yumiko smiled sadly. "Motive matters, yeah. Doesn't make it hurt any less, though."

She'd known Magna for thirteen years. Had trusted her for thirteen years.

And it was all a lie.

"I guess not," Kelly muttered, gaze dropping to the shirt in her hands.

Trust was important to Yumiko.

She'd seen what the violation of it had done to her parent's marriage, endured the screaming matches, the cascading decimation of love and goodwill. She'd made a promise to herself a long time ago that she would never fall victim to a similar fate, that she would never allow herself to be trapped in such a volatile cycle.

Once the trust was gone, Yumiko had resolved, she would be too.

It was harder to hold onto that conviction, however, when it was Magna she had to leave.

But she didn't know how their relationship could survive without that one pivotal brick in their foundation.

(nor was she entirely sure she wanted it to)

Thank god they didn't have kids.

Though, Kelly was looking at her right now like a teenager who'd just been caught in the middle of a vicious custody battle.

It wouldn't be easy on their group, if she and Magna were to split up. That was for sure. Yumiko would strive to keep things civil, to make it clear that there were no sides that anyone need take.

But, still, it would be tough.

Hopefully, one day, she and Magna would be able to stitch together the tattered remains of their friendship.

Maybe.

She wasn't sure she wanted that, either.

To be entirely honest, she didn't know what she wanted.

Other than for none of this to be happening in the first place.

For Magna never to have lied to her.

Why did she have to lie to her?

Kelly's earlier words stirred that boiling pot of anger and doubt inside her.

('She wasn't doing it to hurt you.')

God, she wished she could believe that. Knew that such a belief would have been concrete, utterly impenetrable until last night.

Now it felt shaky, crumbling to dust under her fingertips at the slightest touch.

"And honestly," Yumiko added, "I'm not sure I know anything about Magna anymore." She ducked her head, anger falling beneath a growing wave of grief.

Could it have all been a lie? Everything they'd gone through? Every moment?

Logically, she knew that couldn't be true. That no-one who wasn't at least borderline psychopathic could keep up such a ruse for that long. And Magna was a lot of things but never that.

It couldn't all be a lie. Rationally, she knew it couldn't be.

But her heart wondered.

Kelly looked at her like she'd just said something incredibly stupid. "You know who Magna is, Miko. You know her better than anyone, one lie can't change that."

Yumiko kept her head down. "This one can."

There was a noise of slight disbelief and when she looked up Kelly was eying her, for the first time a hint of worry in her gaze. Like she was just now piecing together that this wasn't another of their routine fights. That it wasn't going to be solved by a night or two spent apart, whilst both parties cooled down. "You guys going to be okay?"

The million-dollar question.

Right now, she couldn't imagine a future where she and Magna would ever be okay again.

But she also couldn't imagine one without her.

"I don't know," she murmured.

Kelly hesitated. "But you're Magna and Miko. You're like a package deal. Always have been."

Yumiko pursed her lips, wishing those words didn't feel like nails, scouring the toughening edges of her heart. "Well, maybe we won't be now."

The younger woman eyed her a moment, frown inching further and further across her face, before taking a step forward and slumping onto the bed beside her. "You know that's crazy talk, right?"

Yumiko's head jerked up, heat blazing through her. "Excuse me-"

"I just mean, you guys have been through so much together. And no matter what it feels like now, you're fooling yourself if you think that you don't actually know almost every square inch of that woman." Seeing that Yumiko was getting ready to protest, she hastened to continue. "Look, I'm not saying you don't have a right to be pissed over whatever it is she did, or hurt, but think about all the shit you've survived together, the sheer number of times you've walked through hell for each other. Thirteen years is a long time, you really want to throw that away?"

She thought of the tub of ice-cream that Magna, without fail, always kept tucked away in her freezer. Just for her. Even though she hated ice-cream. Even though she forgot to buy groceries for herself more often than not, she always remembered to have ice-cream for Yumiko.

She'd never asked for it.

Never even hinted that she wanted it. Was more than happy with the sizable tubs she kept in her own freezer, that she could partake in when she returned home.

But Magna, for whatever reason, considered it a must.

Because Yumiko loved it.

The memory of holding Magna's stiff, bleeding hand in hers came to her then. The way she hadn't hesitated, not even for a second, to do damage to herself, to hurt herself, in order to save Yumiko's life. And then had seemed almost confused by the amount of gratitude she'd received for the act.

Remembered even more clearly how that hand had trembled in her grip as she held it, waiting for Magna to relax, to accept her touch - to understand that Yumiko didn't give a fuck about five insignificant dots of ink. She'd been so scared, so ready for judgment - expecting nothing else.

That fear made even more sense now.

Now that she knew the truth.

Why couldn't she have just told her?

Why did she have to wait ten more years to pull the rug out from under her feet? Wait for them to fall in love, to cross that terrifying border, to share in things that Yumiko had never shared with anyone?

Why did she have to do this to them?

But she remembered that hand, how breathtaking it had been to finally hold it, to later have Magna reach out and take hers of her own accord.

In that moment, Yumiko had felt like she was flying.

Could she really go through the rest of her life without feeling that again?

"No," she said quietly after a long pause, not sure if she was answering Kelly or herself. "But right now I don't want to keep it either." Right now, it hurt too much. Right now, it was too hard to even think about moving past it, moving forward. "I just. . . I need space. To figure out what I do want. And whether this is something I can forgive." Though it was hard to forgive someone when they hadn't even apologized. "I think we both need space. For now, at least."

"Huh." Kelly's chin jerked up a little. "She must be thinking the same."

Yumiko's brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"

"Magna." Kelly shrugged. "She volunteered in a flash for that mission with Aaron." At Yumiko's confused look, "She didn't tell you? Connie's going cos Daryl's going and I ain't letting her go without me. But Magna was the first to volunteer. Kinda think she just wants to stab something."

Yumiko scoffed. "Probably." She frowned a moment later, though, and Kelly didn't miss it.

A hurt and angry Magna was a reckless Magna.

Well, more reckless than usual, anyway.

The younger woman smiled at her, seeming to read her thoughts. "Don't worry. Connie and I, we got her back. We always do. Just like she's got ours. We'll bring her home to you in one piece."

Yumiko narrowed her eyes at her, but couldn't deny that she was grateful for the reassurance, even if she was miffed by the presumption.

Whatever anger and distrust she felt for Magna right now, she still cared about her.

Still loved her.

That would probably never change. Even if, in this moment, she wished it would.

Yumiko smiled at Kelly weakly. "Thankyou."

But would she be ready for Magna when she did come home?

Trying to distract from that thought, she glanced over in the direction of their cupboard. "Her weapons are all in there." Well, not all of them. Yumiko would be naive to think that Magna didn't have a whole arsenal on her person twenty-four seven. But the bigger ones, those less inclined to being concealed, were safely nestled away inside the cupboard. "She'll want her war hammer."

Her ex, Nicole, had broken Yumiko's trust repeatedly. Made it so she doubted her own perceptions and feelings. But she hadn't let that broken trust bleed into her other relationships, had strived against that. Because she hadn't wanted Nicole to have any more power over her than she'd already exerted, to hurt her more than she already had.

And at the end of the day, it was so much easier for Yumiko to trust than not to. It came naturally to her, and the real effort would have been in trying to resist it.

It wasn't like that for Magna, likely never would be. Yumiko understood that and how much it took for the other woman to trust as little as she already did.

But after thirteen years, she thought Magna might at least trust her.

But she hadn't. She didn't.

And it hurt.

That Magna, who had an even more volatile relationship with trust than her, had nonetheless deemed it necessary to break Yumiko's, was perhaps the hardest thing to come to terms with.

She had to have known how much it would hurt.

How much it would mess with her head.

But she'd done it anyway.

That was hard to overlook. Or forgive.

She knew Magna wasn't like Nicole. That this wasn't cheating or malicious manipulation. But it still hurt. And it still made her doubt their entire relationship.

And she wasn't sure there was anything she or Magna could do to fix that.

"Nothing hurts more than being disappointed by the one person who you thought would never hurt you."

― Gugu Mofokeng

A/N: so this chapter came about because I really wanted to give some time to focusing on Yumiko's feelings around everything that had happened. Whilst I fully understand where Magna was coming from, that doesn't negate the fact that she broke Yumiko's trust and broken trust is hard to overcome. That was mostly dealt with in 'if you love me, don't let go' but it's an issue between them that will still likely crop up throughout this series as they continue to work on it. Trust takes time to repair. And Yumiko and Magna both have a history with their trust being violated so it's a thorny issue for them.

Anyone else feeling extremely deprived of yumagna? I need them back :(