AN: This is a crack fic but somehow takes itself seriously and is written to poke fun at something (don't ask me what it is, I honestly don't know lol). So crack but not really funny? A mix of satire and crack? A parody but not really? Something along these lines.
Peter groans, "She changed her mind for the seventh time now, are we having that party or not?"
"Well, we have nearly a week 'till my birthday, so there's time for her to change her mind seven more times." Ned points out.
MJ glares at him, causing Ned to sigh. "Okay, while there really is time for her to change her mind fo- okay MJ! For god's sake, no, okay?" Ned gives up, his shoulders dropping. "She -and I'm quoting- wants her baby boy to celebrate his birthday only with his family, like the old days."
While annoyed, MJ and Peter can't contain their snorts, resulting in Ned punching their shoulders lightly.
"Maybe next time man." says Peter, causing Ned to sigh once more.
"Yeah, maybe next time." he says just before dropping his gaze to the floor.
Peter and MJ look at each other and share grins when they're sure Ned isn't looking.
Next time? Nope. Definitely this time.
Ned's birthday is five days away – the next Saturday. Peter and MJ want to throw a party and invite the whole Academic Decathlon team, to make the soon-to-be sixteen-year-old boy's birthday special. They both know that Ned only has birthdays with his family (which actually means Ned's family and Peter) and that results in Ned despising not being overly enthusiastic about his birthdays.
Lately, Peter and MJ are thinking of changing that – except for the fact that they have a tiny little obstacle in their way.
Ned's mom doesn't like people screwing with her family's traditions.
And well, with all due respect, Peter and MJ don't give a fuck.
"You sure about that?" Peter asks MJ for probably the hundredth time. "We don't even have to do it, like, what's the point?"
MJ looks up from her locker and takes a break from searching her chem book. "Peter, since when do you need a reason to do something stupid?"
"Point. But still. I don't want him to be mad."
MJ sighs and pats his shoulder awkwardly. "He won't be mad for something like this, relax." She soothes Peter, "And I haven't done a good prank for ages , okay? Lemme have fun."
Peter finally gives in. "Fine," he says, stretching the last letter, "but you're corrupting poor innocent me with your ulterior motives." He crosses his arms.
"Yeah, what can I say? I'm charismatic." She answers with a grin and punches the air as she finally finds her chem book.
Peter grins as he kisses her cheek. "Today is Friday, we have physics in the first period, not chem." he says and leaves without giving MJ the chance to say anything.
He can hear kicking sound ("Poor locker," thinks Peter.) even from thirty feet away.
"Ned, we don't give a fuck." Peter snaps as he puts his fork onto the table rather sharply.
Ned turns stops talking, something he hasn't done for the last fifteen minutes, and looks at him incredulously. "What did you say?"
"He said that we don't give a fuck." MJ pointed out helpfully.
Ned rolls his eyes. "Thank you so much for that clarification MJ."
"You're welcome, loser." MJ says as she stuffs a cookie into her mouth.
Ned stares, gaze unbelieving. "Okaaay," he says as he turns to Peter, scowling harder. "Peter, why did you say that? Like, you can just tell me if you're bored – no need to be rude."
Peter shrugs. "I said it because I don't give a fuck?"
By that point, Ned is frowning so hard that his eyebrows are nearly touching each other. "Okay. That's it. First, what the hell is wrong with you?" Peter opens his mouth to give a (probably snarky) answer, so Ned hastily continues. "Second, where did the excessive use of 'fuck' come from?"
"What the hell is wrong with us? Dude, what the hell is wrong with you ? Where did your sense of humor go?" says MJ, with something suspiciously like a laughing sound coming after it, resulting in Peter glaring at her.
"What MJ said, and 'fuck' is a pretty nice word." The boy pipes in when he stops glaring at MJ.
'Okay,' thinks Ned, 'there is definitely something going on.'
"Will you just tell me what you're trying to do because I'm starting to get seriously pissed off." Ned says calmly, too calmly.
Peter and MJ share worried glances for a moment, and then MJ lays back on her chair. "…why are you getting pissed off?" She drawls as she looks at her nails like they're the most important things in the whole world.
Ned stands up abruptly, his chair making an ear-piercing sound as it gets dragged against the floor. "I don't know what all this is about, but you guys are acting really weird. I mean, unnecessary aggressiveness and use of 'fuck'? You doing both at the same time mea- wait." Ned blinks and turns his head to MJ.
"Are you on your period?" He asks, half-joking.
MJ nods as a small smile tugs the corners of her mouth, "Yeah, we are both on our periods, why?"
Ned shrugs, "Nothing, just curious. Anyways, I'm going to class and you two can come too when you… um, fix? Yeah, fix yourselves." he declares as he takes his tray with a frown and leaves.
"Do you think he's a bit angry?" Peter asks worriedly, once Ned is out of hearing range. "I mean, he even joked, but this is Ned, there still is a big chance that he's mad."
MJ shakes her head. "Nah, you said it. That's Ned, he literally can't get pissed at us."
An awkward silence fills the air.
"How angry do you think he is?"
Little did they know about the grin that appeared on Ned's face as soon as he turned his back.
Three can play this game.
Ned didn't ask Peter and MJ to walk home together.
Neither did they.
Ouch.
Ned knows it's because of that prank of theirs which he still doesn't understand what was all about. He first thought maybe because of his birthday – but it is tomorrow, not today. And frankly, he can't think of any other reason except MJ wanting to have fun.
Which honestly is probable.
He kicks a stone with the toe of his shoe as he turns the corner and goes into a deserted street – and urges himself to think harder.
But even that is the reason, why today? Yesterday they were all good, and his friends were acting like their normal selves. Wouldn't she consider that Ned might get suspicious if everything were to happen suddenly? And even if MJ wouldn't, Peter definitely would. They both know he's far from stupid.
So, it might be because MJ is bored – but that definitely isn't the only reason.
Ned is so buried in his thoughts that he doesn't even notice a black shiny limousine approaching him on a deserted street until it's five feet away from him.
As always, his fight or flight response seems to favor the third completely unnecessary member.
Freeze.
He complies, which causes him to lose a few precious seconds and gives the creepy (who the hell goes out with a goddamned limousine if they are not creepy, not to mention child-murdering lunatic) person in the limousine enough time to get out of it.
Ned somehow freezes even more at the sight of the six-and-a-half-foot man just three feet away from him.
Yup, there is definitely some child-murdering lunatic behind this.
Who sent his bodyguard to torture him and then steal his organs before killing him.
Wait. Spider-Man. Peter.
Shit.
He is getting kidnapped by some kind of supervillain who will torture him to get information about Peter and he'll die afterwards and Peter will be in trouble and it'll be his fault and-
'Then run, you idiotic idiot!' his common sense screams, interrupting his rambling.
Ned gladly obeys – and so do his legs, finally.
The only problem is that the man is taller than him, by more than a foot. Which, unfortunately, affects the lengths of their legs.
And that's how Ned finds himself with a piece of cloth covering both of his mouth and nose in under five seconds. He grimaces at the awful smell, but his face slowly relaxes as he starts losing consciousness.
He can feel the man putting him in the car… gently? He can hear two more people talking, voices oddly familiar. He manages to take a look at them before his sight turns completely black.
What.
Why the fucking hell do his kidnappers look like his best friends?