I find myself continually picking my head up and laying it back down. A sign of true boredom, in an eleventh grade English class. I sigh while looking up the clock. 2:03pm. There's twelve more minutes until summer vacation, but right now I'm stuck inside this room watching The Outsiders. Ask any of my peers, we've watched this same movie every last day of school for the last five years. Maybe the school got a deal on buying every single teacher a copy.
The time seemed to go by slowly. I tried to just pay attention to the movie but, I'm over it. I'm over school, I'm over the people at my school, I'm over it all. I can't wait till my senior year is done, I'll be the first one out of here. The thought crossed my mind causing a smirk to cross my face. My smirk quickly bled into a smile, the all too familiar ding the school's PA system played, to announce it was time to go home.
Walking down the hallway all of the students are like a big blur. We bump into each other, pushing one into the other. The boys in front of me are jumping up and down, screaming, and wrestling each other. They keep making me step backwards as they almost crush me or step on my toes. Every time one brushes up against me, I feel my face flush. It wasn't an angry flush, it was an embarrassed flush. The kind you get when the most attractive senior boys are standing right in front of you, and don't even notice you.
Invisibility was honestly my strong suite. I'm invisible to everyone at school, sometimes I wonder if my mom even notices me most days. My best friend was my little cousin, Seth. But we don't go to school together or live in the same town. I'm not even sure how I've declared him my best friend, he's just the only person who notices me. Seth Clearwater is 16, a whole two years younger than I am. Every time I see him he grows, by now I'm sure he looks more like 25. He was blessed with beautiful tan skin and dark hair. His older sister Leah has the same skin and hair, she is all around beautiful. Though we are cousins, I wasn't as blessed. My mom's sister is Sue Clearwater, who is the mother of Seth and Leah. Although my mom has beautiful characteristics, I was not blessed.
I stretch my skin out in the mirror of my car, as though I'm looking for an imperfection. Running a finger across the freckles that lay across my nose, I notice just how normal I look. No one would describe me as "beautiful", they'd probably just say I look average. Turning over the keys to my beautiful, ten year old, rust bucket car, I decide to get the hell out of here. And by here I mean Forks High School, a place I won't be for another two and a half months. Taking the short drive to my house, I almost feel a sense of freedom. I ran right inside to the kitchen, where our answering machine was telling me we had a new message. I knew who it'd be from, Seth, reminding me that he invited me to a bonfire on First Beach, in La Push.
I'm pretty sure I wanted to decline the invitation. I really didn't want another excuse to be lonely somewhere else. I'm sure Seth would be hanging with his friends, and I don't want him to feel obligated to hang out with me just because. I press play on the machine and grin as I hear the all too familiar voice, "Hey! Kasey! I was wondering if you were still coming down tonight? We'd all enjoy seeing you!" The message ended. I sighed. Wondering if this really was how I wanted to spend the night. I silently argued with myself, debating the pros and cons, really my debate was if I should go or watch CSI all night.
Seth won. I figured this is probably the only thing I'll be invited to all summer long. Might as well try and enjoy my one normal 18 year old night. Running up the stairs to my room, I looked in the mirror once again. My curly strawberry blonde hair was almost so tight I could barely run a comb through. I tossed everything around my room till I found my hair straightener, probably unused since I was 14. I could literally smell how old it was as it warmed up to 375 degrees, just enough to fry all my hair off. Piece by piece my hair grew almost 5 inches as I straightened it out. After I was finished I looked at it, I actually looked different. The way the hair framed my face, I looked less childlike. I went back through the drawers to find the makeup my mom bought me for homecoming this past year. I didn't go, she got it just in case. I read the back of every bottle and case, attempting to comprehend how it all works.
Smoothing out my shirt, I awkwardly make my way to my car. Silently praying no one I knew was outside to see me like this. I felt almost dumb for attempting to look nice, the good part was that no one knew me where I was going. Besides Seth, I know he'd understand. I took the short 15 minute drive to the beach. After parking I immediately felt nauseous, I watched as everybody laughed and hung out together. I could spot Seth a mile away, wearing an ugly sweatshirt with the sleeves cut off, what was that? After I decided I probably looked creepy just sitting in my car watching, I debated on just backing out and driving away.
"KASEY!" Seth yells at me while running to smash me into a hug. I tense up before melting into my not so little cousin's grap. The only time someone hugged me was when he did. He pulled back, the genuine smile he had melted away any and all anxiety I had. As he turned to my left side to walk me down the beach I couldn't help but enjoy the feeling of the salty air on my face. My peace quickly ruined when I saw just how many people were actually here, "Seth. How many people are here?" I whispered it, I'm not sure why. We were far enough away that no one would hear me. He kind of chuckled, "well this is pretty much everyone from school, here on the Rez? We're celebrating the last day. Every year!" I raised my head up and down to signal that I heard him. I couldn't help but wonder if the kids at Forks did something like this, and I've never been invited.
Seth guided us down the hill from the parking lot, to the edge of the water. I carefully looked around at everyone, yet again, no one seemed to notice me. It was almost like relief and anxiety washed over me again as we made our way to a group of boys… maybe men? The relief was that Seth was here and didn't ditch me yet, the anxiety was, these were the most beautiful guys I've ever seen in my life. I could feel the flush to my face. I just kept telling myself, "don't be stupid, don't be stupid." Seth stopped and pointed at me. I tried to smile and wave as he called off everyone's names, "guys this is Kasey, my cousin, Kasey these are my friends, we have Jacob, Embry, Sam, Quil, Brody, Jared, Collin, and Paul." My face was on fire. It felt like all their eyes were burning holes through my chest. This would be an excellent time for something else to happen, to distract them. I looked down at my feet, they all seemed to have struck conversation up with each other again. I looked back up, one of the boys from the friend group was staring right at me. I didn't know what to do so I just threw him a little smile. When I did that, I instantly regretted it. He turned on his heel and practically ran away. Great, now I scare boys away.
The chill in the night air was enough to confirm that it was not quite summer yet. As I'm sitting next to Seth on a piece of driftwood, I can feel the goosebumps stand up on my bare arms. Seth was smiling, as usual. He was an easygoing person, I wondered if he felt like he had to try as hard as I did. We come from the same gene pool but yet we're nothing alike. Staring deep into the fire I can't help but lose myself in thought. Do people like me ever find love? Or even friendship? I'm ignored by everyone I know, I'm sure Seth invited me because he felt bad for me. Or maybe my mom called Sue and begged her to help get me out of the house. It worked, here I am out of the house, and now feeling even more excluded. I pulled my head down into my hands, feeling a flush rise again to my cheeks, "you know Kasey, you didn't do anything to upset Paul, he's just shy" Seth says to me. My face must've said what I wanted it to, because Seth seemed to end the conversation right there.
Maybe I was meant to just watch people my whole life. The rest of the night that's all I did, watch people. I watched them laugh and hug. It was almost like watching a movie, people leaving with their significant others, groups of boys wrestling as they made their way to their trucks. I always find myself wondering what all their lives were like, or even create stories about what their lives are like. My eyes start to feel heavy as I get the feeling it's way past time for me to go to bed, "hey maybe you should head home?" Seth said to me. I know why he did, I'm pretty sure I actually had my eyes closed thinking about sleep. Nodding my head in agreement I waved goodbye to everyone. Seth walked me to my car and sent me off into the night. I think I may have actually enjoyed myself, in my own weird and awkward person way.
Driving home I drummed my thumbs along to the pop station playing, almost feeling giddy. For some reason I got this sense of calm energy, but at the same time something in my gut kept saying, "watch out there's something next to you." But every time I looked on either side of the forest lined road, I found nothing. Pulling into my driveway, I immediately noticed my mom's car was still missing. She worked more hours than anyone I know. But she also is a single mother, trying to raise me. My mom and dad always made me feel bad, thinking about them. Pushing back tears I try to blink away the memories of my dad. Rubbing my temples I try to console myself, "just don't think about it right now, you're fine." I try to find comfort in my own words. After a few more deep breaths I feel much more at ease.
Finally getting out of my car I make a dash towards the front door. I am absolutely terrified of being outside at night by myself. Slamming the door behind me I chuckle at myself, I could be so childish sometimes. Looking around my empty, quiet, dark house, I felt lonely again. Not lonely like "moms not here, dads dead" lonely. I mean the kind of loneliness you feel in the very pit of your stomach. I don't even want to cry from this loneliness. I want to hide from it. Looking in the mirror in front of me, I see my face. Makeup still intact, hair still straight. I went to the bathroom and washed it all away. I didn't struggle to sleep, actually I think I was asleep before I even hit my pillow.