Loki's Most Humble Diary, entry 1 (I won't use dates because I have no idea what day is it anyway, this is the void at the end of time, after all):
So I have decided to keep a diary. It's been a week since I came to this place, and I'm getting bored. I'm usually quite bored, but now I'm even more so.
The other mes insist on playing poker every day, and the worst that ever happens is that sometimes President Me tries to strongarm us into voting for him. I don't think he realizes this place is too crappy to ever have any sort of organized election.
Who would even be running, anyway? Maybe some variant of some past political figure. I actually haven't seen many of those here. Maybe President Me killed them all so he wouldn't have competition.
Sometimes I cave and play poker with the other mes. It gets weird sometimes because we're all magic users and love to cheat. One time, Classic Me turned all of our decks into Uno. That was fun. I'm not sure what makes him the 'Classic' Me, come to think of it.
Maybe it's because he's old. Old people do love the word classic, after all. This one time, I met an old blacksmith on Nidavellir (AKA Dwarfville) who kept saying 'classic'. He also liked saying things like 'excelsior' and 'pax et justitia'. He was pretty cool for an old guy – wonder what happened to him? I think he was one of the guys I tricked into shortening Mjolnir's handle, but it's been so long.
Anyway, this place is boring as hel, and I can't wait to get out. Don't worry, because I have a plan. Lokis always have a plan, that's what I keep telling the other mes. So here's the deal: I'm going to find some cans of gasoline and fill up that weird helicopter and fly it straight into Alioth. While singing 'Ride of the Valkyries', because why not. Just seems appropriate.
I'm fairly certain I can get out of the smoldering wreckage with a simple protection spell. If not, then I guess this diary ends here.
Loki's Most Humble Diary, entry 2:
Well, that did not work. Alioth is alive, and more pissed off than ever. I saw it give me a middle finger as I escaped. I didn't even notice it HAD a hand. Damn. Thanos – whoever he is – really needs to buy some better helicopters, because that thing got shredded way too fast.
It might be a bad idea to try to destroy the evil smog monster with a physical attack. If anything, the fans did more damage by dispersing its smoke.
Speaking of fans, it seems I (or rather we) have some here. And pretty numerous, too. There's this little hut hidden behind a mountain with the words 'We (heart symbol) Loki' on it in green text. That's where they congregate.
At first, I just assumed that there was some variant of me who was a rockstar (I am not convinced that still isn't true. I would make a great rockstar. Norwegian Death Metal, specifically. They love us norse gods.). That turned out not to be the case.
As far as I could tell, they weren't fans of some alternate variant of me, they're fans of the 'me' me. The mom-killing, brother-backstabbing, father-impersonating me. That guy. Ick. I know I wanted to have slavishly devoted followers, but that whole thing was too much! I left as soon as I saw their eyes, which seemed to be boring into my very soul.
When I got back to the little hole we call a hideout, Black Me took one look at my shocked face and said 'found our fangirls' place, did you? Yeah, we don't go there anymore.' Yeah, I can see why! Odin's beard…
And then Crocodile Me snarled and Classic Me told him something like 'shush, I know their cookies were great and they gave good backrubs, but that was about it'. I wasn't paying that much attention. I'm still reeling from the idea that there's a Crocodile Me at all.
What's next? Will I meet a dog that knows how to shoot a bow and arrow? A beer-swigging monkey wearing armor? An eagle that's good at throwing shields, loves baseball and always buys american?
My… brothers, or whatever I should call them, did inform me of a being called 'Spider-Ham'. I think they were pulling my leg.
Loki's Most Humble Diary, entry 3:
I actually met Spider-Ham today. Curses! Now I owe Kid Me ten Loki bucks.
That's the currency we use, President Me forced it on everyone and we're all just in agreement to humor him on this.
I have to give it to President Me, he does bring some semblance of stability into this wretched wasteland. I definitely wouldn't vote for him regardless of that, however. He has terrible slogans. I'm sure I could do better, if I ever ran for president…
'Vote Loki! Lies You Can Believe In!' I can dig it.
Know what I want to be president of, fucking ASGARD, the fucking place I was trying to CONQUER, before all this SHIT WENT WRONG. Damn it all to hel! When am I ever getting out of this place?
But (as always) I have a plan. I found this… thing. It's disgusting, it's an affront to nature and all that is good, but it may just be my ticket out of here, if I play my cards right.
I just hope that this weird frog… Thor… creature is still alive inside here.
Loki's Most Humble Diary, entry 4:
Well, that didn't work out, but at least we did some decent damage. I think I'm making progress. None of the other Lokis think that, but I, personally, believe I'm making progress. And really, isn't self-confidence the most important thing?
It was going pretty well. Alioth wasn't too intimidated by Frog Brother at first, but we sure showed it when I cast that embiggening (is that even a word? I would look it up in a dictionary, but it would probably end up being a variant dictionary, with my luck) spell on him.
And then I said 'Magic! Make my monster GROWWWWW!'. That's from a show that the other Lokis have on DVD. I thought the trapped magician lady was pretty relatable, considering I also seem to have a penchant for getting trapped in the darndest places. Usually because I did something bad.
Hah – I remember, there was this one time, right, that I pranked Odin by making him think he had gone bald, and then he punished me by trapping me inside a tree? And then told me I couldn't leave until someone wept at my plight?
The very next morning, Heimdall was at the foot of the tree, chopping some onions, and apparently that counted as 'weeping at my plight', because I got freed. The moment I went back to father to ask him 'dude, what the hel?', he told me 'you prank me, I prank you right back, you little upstart'. Crazy guy, my dad.
Except he wasn't really my dad and I never had a right to the throne despite believing it for all of my life, because he told me I did. That was your greatest prank of all, old man. Really pulled the wool over my eyes.
Man… it's times like this, looking at the gigantic corpse of my brother's frog variant after Alioth speared it through the chest with its stupid overpowered smoke, that I start thinking about where I am, and where everything in my life has gone.
They're all dead, aren't they? Everyone I ever knew, cared about, didn't care about, or hated. Everything I cared about, too. There is no Asgard anymore. There is no Midgard, no nine realms… just the void.
That's all there is. Just me, the other mes, and the biggest garbage dump in the universe. Population: Us.
You… you know what? I think… I think I'm gonna go back to the hideout and play some Polybius. That game is dope.
Far away where Loki couldn't see him, the Watcher turned his gaze away from that dimension and moved on. "What a weird timeline that was. Amusing, baffling and depressing all at once. I'm not sure it's What If-worthy."
"Did you really spend over half a week watching Loki fruitlessly trying to escape the void and writing in a diary?" A certain mad wizard questioned from inside a prison of his own.
"HEY!" The Watcher shouted. "I don't judge you for your decisions, do I?"
"You did, though. You judged me super hard."
"Well, what else was I supposed to do when you literally called me out?"
"I don't know… help? Just a little bit?"
The Watcher scoffed. "What a ridiculous idea." Turning his head away from Strange, he then fixed his all-seeing gaze into another parallel reality. "Ooh! This one might be interesting! It's an alternate timeline where all of earth's human population are monkeys!"
"You know, having to watch you look at these random weird alternate dimensions like they're some kind of TV show may be worse torture than knowing I inadvertently destroyed my entire reality."
"Somehow I doubt that. Now be silent! My stories are on."
Strange sighed and silently prayed for something crazy to happen so he wouldn't die of boredom. "Maybe I should be keeping a diary, too…"