DISCLAIMER:
WARNING! YOU ARE NOT A YOUTUBER. ALL I AM SAYING IS THAT YOU COULD LOSE YOUR HORRIBLE BODY WEIGHT IF YOU WOULD JUST GET OFF YOUR IKEA COUCH AND FIT YOURSELF IN A HONDA FIT AND GET GOING TO THE WORKOUT GYM OWNED BY MY UNCLE RICK. UNCLE RICK IS VERY NICE, HE'S SINGLE, AND LIKES LONG WALKS ALONG THE SIDE OF ACTIVE VOLCANOS. HE'S ALSO VERY LONELY. HE ONCE TRIED TO TAKE ME TO SEE THE PAW PATROL MOVIE ON A "DATE". I TOLD HIM THAT "I DON'T LIKE PAW PATROL, AND I WOULD NEVER GO ON A DATE WITH SOME FAT REALITVE LOSER. AFTER THAT, I DIDN'T HEAR FROM UNCLE RICK FOR 30 YEARS, BUT NOW HE'S BACK IN MY LIFE. :( PLEASE HELP ME GET HIM OUT OF MY HOUSE :( ALSO I DON'T OWN MIKE MYERS, OR THE SOLAR SYSTEM AND ITS COPYRIGHTED SPHERICAL TURDS. LISTEN MATES, I DON'T HAVE MUCH LONGER HERE, WHAT DO I MEAN BY THAT? I DON'T KNOW, BUT MAYBE SOME DAY THE TRUTH WILL REVEAL ITSELF. I HAVE PLANNED THIS MOMENT FOR A VERY LONG TIME, EVER SINCE I WAS 7 YEARS OLD AND I DREW SOME SONIC FANART. THAT ONE MOMENT WAS LIKE A VISION, TELLING ME WHAT TO DO WITH THE REST OF MY VERY SHORT AND LIGMA INFESTED LIFE. WHAT IS LIGMA, YOU ASK? AGAIN, I WOULDN'T KNOW, I AM NO DOCTOR. TRY ASKING DOCTOR MARIO OR THE OCTOPUS ONE IN THAT FUNNY SPIDER PEOPLE MOVIE. HEY, I THINK I HEAR YOUR MOM CALLING, BETTER GET TO READING BEFORE ELON MUSK SHIPS YOU OFF YOU BERMUDA TRIANGLE FORTNITE SCHOOL. ADIOS MUCHOMUCHO MAN BROTHER. – 6000
Chapter 3, Volume 12, Story Arc: The Racist Saga:
Chapter 1:
Paragraph 132:
A memoir:
Chapter 1:
The planet Saturn sat upon its rotating axis as it spun around the big empty space we know as the Milk Man galaxy. It spins really fast. So fast, that every time a new civilization tries to grow upon its gassy soil, the planet just spins so fast, that they all fly off into the cold depths of space never to be seen again. Until they are because they scream as the enter a black hole and then they are never heard from again. Anyway, there's Saturn. So big, and fast. Spinning with all those hundreds of hoolahoop rings. So fast. So big. So many people flung off into space. So fast. However, one day, Saturn struck upon a day of great misfortune, for its axis, or as I like to say, big ol' stick up its bum, stopped spinning so fast. In fact, it stopped spinning altogether. So slow. Not so big anymore ain't ya Saturn? You little fecal matter of a sorry excuse for a rock planet. You just gas bro, you just gas. So slow man why. So slow. Saturn soon became known as the nothing planet because it did nothing, and it moved nowhere. It sat right behind Earth, somehow. It was able to move up like 6 spaces in the order of planets because… so fast. But now, it is nothing. So sad. So Saturn.
Because of this innate slowness and mediocrity, a new civilization was able to finally plant its roots upon the gas. They were known as the Fartsonians. They began as humble gas farmers, but soon grew to learn that they could murder each other for much more gas than the gas farming ever could. So, it was agreed by everyone, young and old, man and woman, that every year a festival would be held called "The Gas Battle Royale", where everyone would try to rack up as much gas v-bucks as they could before the time ran out. They did by mercilessly killing all their loved ones as fast as they could. So fast. This completely eliminated the entire population every year. Only one baby was left after every victory royale. This absolute idiot infant then became the father and elder of a new generation of Fartsonians. Soon, they stopped mindlessly game ending each other, and became a communist state. They built many gassy buildings and infrastructure. They even recreated tilted towers in gassy form. It took 1 year. So. But the soon to be elders of this new society soon realized how grave a mistake this was, building such an abomination. The elders called a meeting, and it went something like this:
"OIYABLOODYWANKERSHAMLETTUCEINTHEINITFORTUNNAISUNDERTHEIGGYIGGYMANMATEWHOWHOWWHOWYEEYEEOIOIPEEPEE!"
So intellectual. So advanced. All the elders couldn't help but die because this argument was so big brain. But then, one elder remained, and rebottled:
"So, um, not gonna lie, but this is kinda gay."
So, with tears in his eyes, he decided to make the sacrifice play. Saying goodbye to Ponyville one last time, he nuked this small village of Ponies and himself. So freaking dead. So freaking sad. But so fast. However, this is not the end of this story gamers. For before the Pony nuke went off, somewhere in the gassy desert, a couple ran to shelter with their newborn child. As the wall of brony radiation approached, the couple, whose names were Sparkleguy and Wedding, hid in their secret Pony doomsday bunker. Once safely inside, and they were so so safe, they laid their child upon a platform of redstone. They then made a lever and a redstone elevator to take their child to safety far away from this god-awful gassy wasteland soon to be. The couple soon to be, with many fake tears in their eyes, cried upon their dearly beloved birth. Sparkleguy said: "I will not ever see this again. I will miss the day you gave me a noogie. It hurt a lot. Darn you child. Good riddance." But, with many a sadness, Wedding replied: "Nah man, this guy was chill. Just has to get out to keep all the exp bro. Also, I can't give him siblings, that hurts man. So hurt." Sparkleguy agreed. So, with a flip of the redstone lever, the child was incased in a redstone bubble. It came with version 7.8343372899383474721221187748498.3 update of fall guys. So what? But then, in distress, the couple cried out in real sadness. They forgot to craft dimond armor for baby, so this child would certainly die upon leaving the atmosphere. So, in massive diarrhea desperation, Sparkleguy threw an onion into the redstone capsule. The child grabbed and closed his eyes as he blasted off into the cosmos, not knowing where he would end up. Then Sparkleguy and Wedding survived the nuke. So no nuke. So happy. But then the nuke got them afterall so they died.
Cut to 3,000,000 years later…
Shrek awakened to the nice oily smell of his familiar swamp once again. He breathed with a tinge of happiness as he got out of his bed made of literal human skins. He liked this. Shrek then walked out the door of his swamp house, and smilied as he saw a bullfrog horribly and violently swallowed his best friend donkey. Donkey cried out in terror to his longtime acquaintance of 7 years:
"Shrek, you got to help me man! I'm dying here!"
Shrek just stared at his four legged mammal confidant, and whispered: "This is the part where you run away." He then got closer, and yelled: "STAY OUT OF MY SWAMP YOU UGLY BEAST OF BURDEN!", he whispered.
Donkey then died of his death slowly. An audible death sound was echoed from the mushroom kingdom. Huh? Oh well. Shrek was very happy that his life was so sad and lonely, but he wasn't sad and lonely. He was just sad and lonely. Shrek then proceeded to take one half of a centimeter's millimeter when all of a sudden the entire planet Saturn smashed her massive celestial body on top of Shrek. And more disastrously, the swamp was destroyed. Shrek was able to catch the massive hurling meteor with one serpentine ogre pinkie. He then looked up at the giant Saturn, and declared:
"What's all this then?! Go back to the space of the space with ya! Ya beast of burdens!"
With that, Shrek grabbed his favorite baseball bat, and made a perfect home run, sending the imposter Saturn back into orbit. Oh yeah, that wasn't the real Saturn. Just wait your impatient nematode. Just wait! Where was I? Oh, Shrek world was no more thanks to faker Saturn. Shrek was now a homeless spaceman. He floated amongst the cosmos for 40 days and 3 nights, when all of sudden, he came into contact with a strange object on the 8 night of the 9 night. 40 days. This strange object fell right into Shrek's massive ogre hands. He observed and saw that it was a small sphere made out of redstone. Curiously, Shrek cracked the sphere on his iron skillet like an egg and fryed it for 3 minutes. Whatever poor thing was inside this redstone sphere was now cooked to perfection. Shrek then seasoned it with salt and old bay seasoning. He ate it. He liked it. He pooped it. His feces now floated into space. So gross. But left over from the redstone casing, a singular onion floated in front of Shrek's oily face. He grabbed with his big toe, and stared at it, and shoved into his back pocket, for he thought it would make a good projectile for some children later. Shrek found earth one day. He moved into a nice condominium in the hills of California. His neighbor was some older gentleman, who Shrek could apparently hear constantly screaming and fighting with what sounded like metal appliances. But Shrek paid no mind or head to this.
Cut to 3 years later… The setting, New Las Veegas…
Mayor Dunkelberg sat at his luxurious office space in his own city of New Las Veegas, also called NLV for all you homies out there. Hey ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. He sat there, admiring his city. But then, he could hear the loud and familiar footsteps of someone coming up his diamond staircase. Then the door began to bang loudly. Mayor Dunkleberg yelled out in frustration:
"Go away! Can't you see I'm trying to play this game of monopoly. I'm losing!"
A voice came through the other side of the door: "Dunkelberg! This is important! Open up!"
Mayor Dunkelberg sighed loudly and pushed his big red door button to open his big red doors. They swung open, and the person who came through was General Weem. He was not happy and stormed into the mayor's office with a stack of files in hand. So mad. So serious, why? So Weem. "Mayor! I have some good news, and a fat stack of bad news. What do you want first you baby?"
Dunkelberg, mad at this "baby" comment, said: "Hmph. You are no longer my general. But proceed with your dumb news."
Former General Weem smilied, and stated: "Well, the good news is that I am no longer the General of this god forsaken city. I can now retire and spend some more time with my pet kids and wife."
Mayor Dunkelberg then said: "Okay, okay, I hear you. Now, what's the bad news?"
But just before General Weem was able to say anything, half of NLV was exploded by a massive laser coming from the sky. It was blue. So blue. General Weem was scared 3 quarters to death, and Mayor Dunkelberg caught sight of this fact. So he inserted one more quarter of scare into the general so that he would die. He did die, and from his corpse emerged a new character named General Meew. Mayor Dunkelberg has been waiting for that for all his life. But more important things were happening. The phones started going off the hook all around NLV calling about the disaster. This was overwhelming the mayor, so he ran and hid under General Meew's body and said: "So general, was this the bad news?" The general just laughed and said: "Nah, but this is pretty bad." Dunkelberg then replied, "So… what was the bad news?" The general just laughed and said, "Nah, but this is pretty bad." The mayor got out from beneath Meew, and looked up at his once glorious trash town, and saw only half of it was rubble. He, along with Meew, then looked to the sky, and saw a massive flying object that could not be described at that moment. But I will describe it anyway. It was a giant head that looked somewhat like John Travolta, but not quite. Like an uncanny valley effect on the beloved American actor. This head spaceship than opened his big disgusting Travolta-esk mouth and revealed and tiny armor-clad individual step out and look upon the earth. He wore a mask that looked like the old fart from the box of monopoly. He then broadcasted his bass boosted voice across all of NLV, and proclaimed this:
"Greetings you filthy land dwellers! I am lord Bankerman, and I come from far away, to take over your pathetic little rock. You are so dumb. So foolish to think that you could ever get away from me for long. You may act coy now, but I know your entire race is hiding "that" from me. I've been searching for "that", for years. I know that there is someone among you, who have taken "that" away from me. So, if you wish to avoid a horribly racist death, at the hands of me, Lord Bankerman, please surrender this criminal to me, and make sure that he has "that". If not, prepare to go extreme bye bye. Bye bye! Also you have 46 and 24 and a half hours to deliver this creature to me. Bye bye for real."
With that, the giant head of John Travolta spaceship lands in the middle of NVL, 4 feet away from the mayor and General Meew. The ship then seems to turn off. Without even turning his head, or looking at the general, Mayor Dunkelberg says this: "…What…What are we going to do? What did he mean? If we can't deliver on this forced promise, then he'll destroy all the mcdonald's. Also some innocent people or whatever. Not epic General Meew. What do we do?"
General Meew took a moment and looked off into the distance at the sunset of this terrorist filled day. "I'm not sure, but I have an idea."
Cut to Shrek's Residence…
Shrek was watching a puddle of water on his floor when he got a few rings of doorbell at his door. He got up, put on all his clothes, took them off and put on only a bib and opened the door. He was greeted by two people, one of them was a normal human man in a black suit, but the other was a woman that had no legs, she just floated above the ground like Gmod. Shrek, confusing these two for his 400 Door Dash order, started to hold out his hands for his food. But the two people had other plans.
"You can put down your hands sir, we don't do that here. No need.", the man in the suit said.
Shrek got mad. "What?! No food then? Well isn't this a horrible day. Now go away before I hurl my signature ogre snot at you made famous in my second movie." The woman with no legs simply chuckled to herself, the man in the suit did too.
"You don't know who we are, do you Mr. Shrek?", the suited man said.
"No. I don't. No go away. Please."
The woman bursted out laughing and exploded right there. The man in the suit then wept bitterly for several hours, all the while, Shrek was just saying "go away" over and over again.
The suited man wiped his face, and said, "She went bravely, and on the mission. She knew the risks, and she paid the sacrifice. So sad. So young. So anyway, my name is Agent Atlas. I've come with a very important offer for you Mr. Shrek."
Shrek raised his grizzly eyebrow, and asked, "What kind of offer? My diet doctor kelp?"
Agent Atlas laughed, "No, I didn't forget you drink sir. I was actually going to ask if you could help us with something that just recently came up."
"What? Did you lose your favorite puppy or something? Go back to your own swamp and for the love of Shrek leave me alone! I won't tell you again you fat sweaty pig man of a government agent earning low wage you are freaking dummy."
Agent Atlas just looked candidly at Shrek, and said: "Mr. Shrek, I fear that this has much more to do than you stupid land of flooded woods. New Las Veegas has been destroyed halfway."
Shrek's annoyed face than turned to sadness. So ogre. "What? How?"
"We don't know fully yet, but the famous General Weem now turned General Meew has tasked me with assembling a strike force. I am to round up all the talented people on our network that we have been keeping an eye for the past 15 years.", Agent Atlas continued.
"Us? Our? Who are you people? Why am I on your network, I unsubscribed from the FBI YouTube channel months ago! Don't tell me I got them computer worms! Gersh Darn it!"
"Don't worry Mr. Shrek, we haven't completely invaded your privacy, not yet anyway. We just always stuck around, just in case."
Shrek looked around and threw his hands on his aging bald head and stroked it confusingly. "But why me? I am not talented at all; my life has been nothing interesting ever. Nothing has ever happened to me. Ever. So boring. What could I possibly lend to your strike force?"
"Many things, Mr. Shrek. Many things, some you don't even know yet." Agent Atlas patted Shrek on the shoulder and turned around to walk towards his 2008 Chevy Cruz with 1 mile on it. "Come, Mr. Shrek. We don't have much time. We have to gather the others and stop a very grave threat looming over our world." *instantly turns communist for saying "our". *
Shrek sighed, "You can't get to go. I won't do it. Not for 50 of your sweetest ogre brews."
Agent Atlas smiled mischievously: "How about for 40 of our sweetest ogre brews?"
"Alright, where we going?", Shrek said.
"We have to take a flight to a remote prison island off the coast of Nigeria. There's someone there who just recently died of malaria. We need him on our team. Let's go."
With that, they got on the 2008 Chevy Cruz jet, now with 0 miles on it and took for the skies. Shrek looked longingly at his humble home, wondering if he will ever see it again after all this. He also thought this to himself while looking at his house: "Hmmmm… you know, I haven't heard anything from that neighbor of mine in quite a while…"
TO BE CONTINUED… IN PART 2