Still Here
The moments that matter most are the ones least often witnessed. Written for Day 7 of OPAdmiralsWeek.
It's something he keeps locked away. This feeling, this...need that swamps him, pressing outward from his chest. It only rears its head in the dead of night, when the world is dreaming. Kuzan should be too, but he can't.
Not until he checks.
The pale sheets are that strange mixture of warm and cool under his hand. Soft and starchy. They glow faintly in the dark, only illuminating the vaguest shapes. Kuzan stares up at the dark ceiling, his pupils wide. Waiting for his heartbeat to slow. For his mind to stop racing. Listening to the calm inhales and exhales beside him.
The fire behind his eyes is still there, leaving chills across his skin, in his chest. His scars ache, his muscles tight and twitching. Preparing for a danger that isn't there. Not anymore. He tries to hold still, but knows he will lose. Still, he fights the fear all the same. Kuzan wants no pity, no comfort.
The actions he has taken in his life are his own and he must live with the consequences. The failures, the shortcomings. If there is a hell… then Kuzan knows that he walks the road towards it all on his own. Flashes in the dark of people he knew once, pirates, civilians, marines. People whose lives he has taken, people whose worlds were brought to their knees by freezing ice.
And sometimes, on some nights, the lives he has saved. The wanted poster hidden in his desk. Blue eyes stare up at him and Kuzan doesn't know if they are thankful or accusing anymore. Does he really want to know?
The breathing next to him changes, shifting slightly, a small groan before they turn over. Kuzan doesn't move, freezing in place. All of his attention is focused on the way the blanket gently moves, the slight shifting of the mattress.
Slowly, his partner drifts back to quiet slumber. Kuzan wonders if they too have dreams like his. Wonders if… his presence makes them better. Or worse.
Kuzan sits up slowly, the blanket sliding down to his waist as he looks over at his bed partners. Short white hair in disarray, a small snore issuing from his mouth. And on the other side, an even smaller form. Long black hair spread out across the pillows, her small hand flung out from the blanket across Smoker's waist.
The urge to run, to disappear, to only look at them from afar slams through Kuzan's chest. An adrenaline hit of misery, old habits and older pains. Kuzan swallows, his hair falling in front of his eyes. They are so small, fucking pure in comparison to him.
And if he plays his cards right… maybe Kuzan can keep them that way.
The need bolts through him, like a child crying for its mother in the night. Sharp, piercing and undeniable. The need for confirmation.
That they are there, next to him. Not just shapes in the dark. He needs to confirm that he isn't alone, that they aren't figments of his imagination on this damned and endless stretch of waves. Shaking, Kuzan withdraws his hand from inside the blanket, the air sending shivers across his scarred skin. He can just make out the dark shape of his fingers, hovering in the dark.
He clenches his teeth as he turns, hesitantly bringing his hand down, down, down.
Warm fabric beneath his palm, a study hardness below it. The shape of a body. Shoulder, bicep, hip… Kuzan slowly drags his hand carefully, gently over Smoker's side. He doesn't want to wake him. Doesn't want him to witness the fear he knows has blown his pupils wide.
But Smoker is real. He mumbles, his eyebrows twitching, a hand entangling in Tashigi's hair, the strands like rivers of ink. Kuzan's heart thuds in his ears as he lifts his hand once more and reaches over farther still, tucking Tashigi's hand carefully back under the blanket.
His hand returns to his side, the feel of them like ghosts on his skin. The feeling ebbs, the trembling stops. Kuzan lays back down, and breathes.
He can keep them safe.
Notes:
Agh, why must Kuzan hurt me so much. More than any other character in OP (except maybe Garp), he strikes me as the one who carries the most regrets. I'm going to write more of these three, I like them so much.
Let me know your thoughts!
As always, thank you for reading and you can find me on Twitter at buggyisbest!