"We know where we stand, we have no need for gestures"

Mary sat on the bench out under the tree, their bench if she was honest, Matthew's and her's. This was the place her relationship with Matthew had taken a positive turn in 1914. This was the tree where she had not been able to give him the answer he wanted, and she so wanted to give him. This was the bench where Matthew told her things could not be the same after her mother lost the baby and that he was leaving Downton. This was the bench where they had spent hours talking when Matthew had been injured.

The bench had seen so many of their ups and downs. But it seemed their last chapter had been played out. It was October 1919, six months since they had stolen a dance in a kiss in the great hall. It was six months since Lavinia had so tragically died of the Spanish flu shortly thereafter. It was six months since she had stood with Matthew beside Lavinia's open grave and he had proclaimed that the kiss they shared had killed Lavinia. Six months since he blamed her for Lavinia's death and proclaimed that it was the end and she had responded, "how could it not be?"

It the six months that had passed, Matthew had kept to himself. She had barely seen him; he rarely came to dinner at the abbey and she tried to respect his wishes and stayed away from Crawley house. Sybil's wedding had taken her to Ireland for a few weeks and Matthew had returned to Manchester for a few weeks as well. The only time she would see him was as she passed the graveyard and she would see him standing by Lavinia's grave. She always kept walking, not wanting to disturb him. He clearly did not want anything to do with her.

The only positive thing to come from Lavinia's death, was that she was able to push off her own wedding to Richard indefinitely since the house was in mourning. So, July had passed, and she remained single without a wedding date. But Richard had started to pester her lately about setting a date and being possibly married in the winter. She guessed she should probably thank Lavinia. Lavinia, who had been innocent in all of this. She clearly had loved Matthew terribly and wanted to be his wife. Mary wondered how much Matthew had told her about their relationship. Had he told her that they had been close, that he had proposed to her before the war, that Mary had not answered him and then appeared to jilt him because he would possibly not be the heir. Mary wondered. Of course, that was not why Mary had delayed in her acceptance at all. She had the specter of Pamuk, and then she had just been confused with Aunt Rosemond and everyone else putting their opinions forth when Mama was pregnant.

But Matthew never knew that, though the night of their dance and kiss, that he thought killed Lavinia, he had said how sorry he was. He clearly regretted their break as well. But what did Lavinia know when she heard and saw "everything?" Did she think they were just fond cousins? Mary had never spoken to her about it, and Lavinia had certainly not brought it up. Mary could only imagine how shocked Lavinia must have been to hear Matthew say how he wished he could marry her, and then to watch Matthew kiss her. Did she suspect all along or was the shock of it so intense, it caused her Spanish flu to worsen.

Mary was certain that it must have been shocking, but she was also certain that it did not kill her, Spanish flu sent her to an early grave, like thousands of other young people of their generation. Did Matthew really think Lavinia so weak that she would lose the will to live if Matthew loved another. Mary knew that Lavinia was tougher than that. For heaven's sake, she had helped expose the Marconi scandal and then she had stood up to Richard. No Lavinia was not meek, or weak, not matter how she had appeared to be. Matthew was wrong, they had not killed her, she had a stronger heart than that. Oh, but how to convince him to let go of the guilt.

Did Matthew mean everything he had said to her that night. That he wished he could marry her; that he was sorry he had left her in 1914 and shattered her heart. Well he was not acting like it now. True she had left him well enough alone after the dramatics at Lavinia's grave, but Matthew had also not reached out to her.

Mary was glad that Richard was away on a business trip on the continent. The more time they spent apart the better. Though at first, he was a comfort after the hurtful words Matthew had spoken, he quickly reverted to his manipulative, possessive nature and Mary really could not stand it. She would have to deal with it when they married, but she hoped she could push that off until at least next summer. Then they would have a traditional aristocratic marriage where they slept in separate bedrooms and only held company when necessary.

As Mary pondered her thoughts, she saw Matthew walking up from the drive of the house. He soon approached her. They had barely spoken in all this time; Mary did not quite know what to say. So, she just said, "Hello, what are you doing here?"

Matthew responded, "I'm in search of your father."

"He is in the library. What is it?"

Matthew settled down on the bench, "Why do I feel that we have had this conversation before?"

"Probably because we have." Mary smirked as she said it, but continued, "What really brings you here today, I feel as if maybe I have seen you only a handful of times in the last six months."

"Your right, I have been keeping to myself, you know I have been buried in grief over Lavinia. I have gone back to work, and I have been keeping up my therapy."

Mary smiled now, "I see now, your walking is much improved, you no longer use a stick."

Matthew contemplated his response, "Yes I'm almost good as new physically, but while the cloud of mourning has started to lift, my guilt over her death is with me every day."

Mary sighed, "Matthew I understand you being sad, I am also still terribly sad about Lavinia, and I was not going to marry her. But she was sweet and kind and was a good friend. Like many of our generation, she should not have died so young. But Matthew I hope in the six months since that happened you understand that we did not kill her."

Matthew took a deep breath, "You are partially right, I spoke out of turn at her funeral, I was consumed with grief and guilt at the time and I lashed out at you. I see now I never should have done that. You are guilty of nothing. It was I who said those traitorous words to you, and it was I who kissed you. I bear the sole responsibility for her broken heart and death. It was not your fault at all."

"Oh Matthew, you need to forgive yourself. Lavinia did not die of a broken heart; she was much stronger than that. You thought her so feeble, she was a strong woman. Did she ever tell you about the Marconi scandal?"

Matthew looked at her quizzically, "We spoke politics, I know her uncle was involved, but what do you mean?"

Mary smiled, remembering the conversation with Lavinia, "Do you recall many years ago, during the war when you brought General Strut to the house and during the luncheon, Granny or Rosemond alluded to the fact that perhaps I knew something askance about Lavinia?"

Matthew shook his head, he sort of recalled it, "but you said she was a great person and that you knew nothing."

Mary nodded, "I said it because it was true, but what you don't know is that Granny and Aunt Rosemond were on a mission to discredit Lavinia and deliver you back into my arms. They discovered that Lavinia had actually delivered all the evidence in the Marconi scandal to Richard for publication."

Matthew gasped, "Really? She never told me that. Why would she do that? It was her uncle after all."

Mary smiled again remembering the memory, "She told me he deserved it, but ultimately she did it to save her father, he owed Richard a great deal of money, and Richard wiped the slate clean by Lavinia delivering the evidence to blow open the scandal."

Matthew smiled, "So my sweet Lavinia was a whistle blower?'

Mary smirked, "Yes! I told you she was not a weak woman."

Matthew, "And you know this about Carlisle, and you are still going to marry him?"

"Matthew, I have known this about him for the past two years at least, he is a tough man, in a tough world. None of this should surprise you."

Matthew sighed, "No I'm not surprised that he would do it, I'm just surprised that you are willing to marry a man like that"

"Don't be so surprised, he is very rich, and he wants to provide me with a powerful position and a life. And Matthew that is all I will say about this subject."

Matthew started to speak, but Mary stared him down, letting him know that topic was off limits for now. Matthew stopped, but put it in his mind that he would have to talk to her again about this. Mary should not be marrying Richard. It was clear that she did not love him. Mary deserved to love and be loved. He wished he could be the one to love her, well he did love her, but he could not marry her. He could not profit from Lavinia's death, by being reunited with the love of his life. And Mary was the love of his life. He had tried to fool himself for a time, but he realized that night, the night of their stolen dance and kiss, that he not only loved her, but he was in love with her. And in the six months since Lavinia died, nothing had changed. That was why he had stayed away. Sure, he was full of grief for the loss of Lavinia, but he was also full of guilt, that all he could think about was how much he loved Mary.

Mary changed the subject, "So why were you looking for Papa?"

Matthew looked sheepish, "I was not really looking for Robert, like that time many years ago, I was really looking for you. I wanted to tell you that I don't blame you, but only myself."

Mary started to speak but Matthew continued, "I blame myself because I was the one unfaithful to her. But worse I realize now that I was unfair to her all throughout our engagement."

Mary looked at him quizzically, "What do you mean, you were lovely to her and her to you?"

Matthew took a deep breath, it was time to admit the truth, the truth he had started to admit that night in the great hall, but where their kiss had been interrupted and then the tragic sequence of events that followed never allowed for a fuller discussion.

"You right, I loved her, but not in the way in which I should have and certainly not the way I loved you. I did not realize it at the time, but I never really moved on from the you and I that almost was. I was so hurt and angry when I broke with you, I could not see how I was sabotaging my own happiness. Then I ran off to war, instead of staying for a while and trying to work things out with you or even get closure."

Mary opened her mouth to speak, but Matthew held up his hand as he continued, "I met Lavinia on leave in early 1916. She was so sweet, and I could tell she was enamored with me. She could not hide her feelings. A year and a half after we parted, my heart was still sore. Many times, since I had gone to war, I had written to you and then burned the letters. I was convinced that I should not turn back, but my soul ached for you. So, when I met Lavinia, and she was so sure of me so quickly, I just let it happen. We wrote to each other; she was a wonderful distraction from the war and from my broken heart. Then, when I survived the Somme, I decided that I needed to take a chance. When I saw her in London before I returned to Downton, I proposed, and she immediately accepted."

Mary felt a tear falling down her cheek and looked into his haunted eyes, "She did what I never did?"

Matthew stared right back at her and spoke simply, "Yes she did. And it was a wonderful feeling and I was convinced we would be happy. She was just the sort of girl I probably would have married before I left Manchester."

Matthew lifted his eyes to Mary again and continued, "When we walked through the great hall, upon my return to Downton, and you caught my eye. I literally lost my breath. I thought that two years of separation and an engagement to a wonderful woman would have cured my heart. But the minute I saw you, I knew I was not over you. Never over you. So, I tried to look away, so my feelings would not be revealed. And then you were so sweet and welcoming to Lavinia, I thought perhaps we really were just destined to be cousins and friends. I rather liked that we recovered and reconnected so quickly in a platonic way. Again, I convinced myself, that Lavinia was my future and the we of yesteryear was truly in the past."

Mary took hold of Matthew's hand and he did not move it and she said, "But you were right, we were in the past. You had moved on. I spent most of the war trying to convince Granny and Rosemond and Papa that you truly loved Lavinia and that I needed to move on."

At this Matthew laughed, "I had no idea the whole family was teamed together to break us up."

Mary gestured, "No they liked Lavinia, I think their motivation was more on the inheritance, I don't think they knew the depth of my feeling for you."

At this Matthew gasped, He suspected since Violet had told him, that Mary did truly love him, but she never came this close to saying it. But for right then he put it aside and continued with what he wanted to tell her, "I convinced myself that I should be with Lavinia many times for many reasons, but the night of our dance, it just finally hit me that I had been fooling myself all along and worse I had fooled Lavinia. The worst part of it was, the day after that night, do you remember I told you that she seemed confused?"

Mary nodded her head and Matthew continued.

"What I never had the opportunity to tell you was that not only did Lavinia want to call off the wedding, but she told me that it was not a sudden thing, that she suspected that I loved you way back before I was injured and she had been thinking of calling it off then, but that when I was injured she thought it was her calling to take care of me. It all came crashing down on me then, that she saw what I did not even admit to myself at the time. I not only betrayed her the night that I kissed you and told you how I really wanted to marry you and not her, I had been mentally unfaithful to her for years. And then when I thought she was going to recover and we would work it out and I would be faithful to her if she allowed it, she took the turn for the worse and died. And I told you what she said to me when she was dying, that it was better this way, that I would not need to make a hard decision. I am still so haunted by her last words."

Mary squeezed his hands and let out a shuddering breath. Matthew was such a tortured soul, "Oh Matthew, I see you are still so full of guilt. I don't think Lavinia would want you to feel that way. She really was much stronger than you think. But I feel your pain, your heart and your soul need to heal."

Matthew turned toward Mary, releasing one of her hands, as he took his and cupped her cheek, "I want to be clear, in a way I think we have never been straight with each other. I never stopped loving you, it has taken me years to realize this truth. If only I had not been so full of pride and stubbornness that day, at the garden party, we could have been together and never involved Lavinia in my folly. But I did and I hurt her terribly in a way she should have never been hurt."

Mary took her hand and placed it on Matthew's cheek as well, and started to speak, though it was hard for her because tears were rolling down her cheeks at Matthew's exclamation of his love for her. "I... I feel that way for you as well, I ..I have never stopped loving you. I also thought I had moved on, and even with all my family's machinations, I just wanted you to be happy and I thought you were with Lavinia. I never meant to come between the two of you."

Matthew wiped the tears that were now falling freely with his thumb and gave her a small smile, "You never did anything wrong; it was all me."

Mary took her finger and placed it over his lips to quiet his guilt and Matthew gave he finger a slow kiss. Mary continued to stare into his eyes through her tears and saw that tears were now falling down his cheeks as well. She tried to wipe them with her finger, but he captured her hand and kissed it reverently and then he pulled her closer to him. He breathed deeply and closed his eyes as he lowered his lips to briefly touch hers. Mary inhaled very deeply and wrapped her arms around his neck, while Matthew continued to move his lips against hers. She returned his kiss, while she felt his arms around her back, bringing her closer. They kissed softly and slowly for several minutes and then Matthew pulled away and rested his forehead against hers, both breathing lightly with tear stained cheeks.

Matthew started to speak through his tears, while he continued to hold Mary close, "My dearest Mary, I love you and I so wish we could be together. But I can't profit from Lavinia's death, I can't be happy with you, the love of my life, when I can only be that because I caused Lavinia's death with my lack of fidelity to her."

Tears sprang to Mary's eyes again; she knew what he was going to say next, but she let him continue.

"I must be do in death what I was not able to do for Lavinia in her life, to be faithful to her memory. I want you to have a wonderful life, unfortunately, it just can not be with me. I could not live with myself."

Mary caught her breath, and tried to stop crying, and she held Matthew's hand once more, "So, there is nothing I can say to change your mind? Will you remain a bachelor all your days, dedicated to her memory?"

Matthew looked at her solemnly, "I imagine I will, though to be honest, its hard to think beyond the moment."

Mary smiled at him, and looked in his eyes, "If that is your final decision, I will respect it. You need to be true to yourself. But I don't want to lose you completely. Could you see yourself being friends and close cousins again? We have done it for so many years, could we at least salvage that?"

Now Matthew smiled at her, "Yes, I would love that. If you are willing to be friends and close cousins, I would be so grateful. I have dreadfully missed your company."

Mary nodded her head and extended her hand and Matthew took it and shook it. They had reached an agreement; well she had agreed to Matthew's terms. She knew she had to marry Richard anyway, and if she could not have Matthew as her husband and lover, and father of her children, she could at least have him as a friend and companion. It was better than nothing, way better than the last six months.

Matthew rose from the bench, and Mary did as well, and he looked at her, kindness in his eyes. For a few moments they stood, smiling at each other, a sad smile of an ending and a beginning. An ending to any thought of a future together, but also a beginning to an easy long-term friendship, hopefully a friendship that would take them through good times and hard times.

Matthew took Mary's hands once more, "I'm so glad we spoke, and I feel relieved that we now know where we stand with each other."

Mary smiled and nodded and then Matthew put on his hat, doffed it to her and walked away from her and their bench. Another chapter in their life played out. Mary's heart filled with love as she watched him walk away. He was still way to honorable, and she knew in her heart that he was wrong about why he thought they could not be together. She knew there were other reasons, but with his final decision, she did not need to reveal to him of Pamuk and why she was really marrying Richard at this point. And she was glad that they had spoken, instead of filing her with sadness, she found she was uplifted. Just knowing that Matthew loved her, that he had loved her all this time, it made her heart sing for joy, and completed her in a way that she never thought she could feel. No, they could not be together, but they could still be in each other's lives and that made her smile and made her feel warm inside. Loving Matthew and being loved by him was the most wonderful feeling in the world.

A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A

A/N: I had always wondered, what conversations took place off screen between that horrible funeral and nine months later when Matthew and Mary were again very chummy. And of course, Matthew's statement after dinner when he told Mary she did not have to marry Richard. That surely it was not to prove that she had broken with him. "we know where we stand, we have no need for gestures."

I hope you liked my version of how I think this played off camera. Please review and let me know what you think.