The Sad Sunshine

It was one fine morning at Knapford Station as I puffed my large yellow tender engine into the station. Once I entered inside the track, I parked my engine next to the platform as I was ready to seize the day. As I waited patiently while humming a merry tune, I saw my boss, who we call him, The Fat Controller, exited from his office as he walked towards me with a big smile, "Good morning, Rebecca.", he chirped.

"Good morning, Sir!", I replied happily, "How are you?"

"Well, I'm ready to start the day.", he chuckled as he then cleared his throat and spoke seriously, "Now Rebecca, as you know, Gordon isn't feeling well has he had a sore stomach and I need you to pull the express for both day and night."

I did remember that Gordon was feeling sick, and I felt pity for him as he did look like he didn't sleep well as he kept groaning in agony of his pain. Me and the others tried to tell him that he should get some rest, but being the stubborn type he was, he refused as he assured us that he would be alright to do his job. However, I knew too well that he wasn't alright as I kept trying to convince him that if he gets some rest for today, he would be better by tomorrow. Thankfully, Gordon took my advice as he thanked me and went to get some sleep.

As I remembered, The Fat Controller then asked, "Do you think you could do this task?"

When he asked that question, I immediately lost my confidence as I'll admit, I haven't done the midnight express as much and I haven't been on this railway as long as Gordon. I wasn't so sure that if I was just as capable as any workers on this railway. With that, I kept rubbing my shoulder as I kept looking around, trying to gain my confidence while frowning. With my boss noticing my lack of faith in myself, he gave me a gentle smile, "Don't worry, Rebecca, you did fine at other times, and I'm pretty sure that nothing will go wrong."

Just hearing his kind voice made me smile a bit as I looked at him, "Thanks, Sir.", I thanked him as I slowly but surely gained my confidence.

"You're welcome, Rebecca.", he replied, "Now Thomas will fetch the express coaches right away."

With that, he headed back to his office as I took a deep breath. I know that I have done the midnight express a couple of times, but I only have done it with Gordon, and now this was my first time doing this alone. Just that thought now made me feel a bit queasy as I tried to assure myself that I can do it. I was usually the optimistic type that liked to take new challenges but doing something very important made me feel a bit anxious as I had a massive fear of failing others. I didn't want to let anyone down, especially Gordon as not only he worked on the railway for years, but I also started to grow fond of him.

I was aware he can pompous and grumpy, but he was sensible, caring, strong, honest, and he would do anything to show how capable he was with his job. I'll admit, ever since the incident about a month ago when Gordon was teaching me how to pull the express and an accident occurred, he became more open and admitted his flaws, which got me shock at first, but knowing how much he has changed in many ways, made me feel happy as I knew he was truly a very caring person. All of this made my feelings for him grew stronger as I admired his bravery while I was the somewhat and awkward type of person.

As I thought about all the memories of Gordon, I blushed in a fine shade of pink as I tried to focus on my job. Just as my thoughts were all over the place, I heard a familiar whistle and a voice, "Here's the express, Rebecca!", shouted a voice.

This made my eyes wide in surprise as I gasped in surprise. There, I looked behind to see Thomas in his blue tank engine with the number one on the sides. There, I wasted no time as I put on my big smile and waved, "Thank you, Thomas!", I thanked him politely.

With that, Thomas smiled back as he reversed his engine while I waited patiently for the passengers to enter inside the express coaches. I didn't mind waiting as I have plenty of time to gain my composure so I can seize the day and do the midnight express properly. As I waited, I took a deep breath again, "You can do this, Rebecca. You've been here for months now, and you got this!", I spoke to myself as I slowly gained my confidence.

As I did some self-positive talking, I heard the coaches was being coupled from behind as the guard blew his whistle loudly. With that signal queue, I wasted no time as I put on a cheery smile and tooted my engine's whistle happily. There, I slowly puffed outside the station as I was now ready to get through the day. To amuse myself, I shouted at the top of my lungs proudly, "Express coming through!"

…

While I was puffing down the track to Vicarstown, I heard some birds singing a beautiful song as saw that all the flowers have blossomed. Just seeing the beauty of nature had me forget all my worries and my insecurities as I now appreciating on what the day has the offer. It was also helped to feel the cool breeze hitting my skin as I sighed happily. Perhaps today was going to be a good day as usual as I knew that paranoia was just playing tricks on me as I knew well that I was a reliable worker.

…

However, as I arrived at my destination, something went wrong as when I pulled my brakes, my engine's wheels began to slip as it causes the coaches the jolted forward and back a bit roughly. This made me gasped in horror as when I was fully parked at the station, I popped my heads as I saw some passengers rubbing some dust off their clothes as I heard some grumbling from some angry passengers. I honestly thought everything was going to go smoothly, but it turned out that it wasn't the case as my wheels slipped.

I'll admit, my engine wasn't that perfect, but I never been an accident before as I assume that my engine was all good. As I watched all the passengers leaving, I blushed in a light shade of red in embarrassment and guilt as I gritted my teeth while trying to make a fake smile. However, as I waited, I swore that I heard some passengers were making horrible comments such as, "This is the worst ride ever!", or, "Does this worker know what she was doing?", or, "I would never go on the express again if this happens again!"

All those negative comments made me gasped as my eyes went wide. I felt terrible for the passengers as I didn't want to make anyone feel angry or upset. I was always the type to try to make others feel happy or feel good about themselves. However, I decided to push those hurtful words aside as I knew that nobody was hurt, and I knew that everyone makes mistakes once in a while, even though I didn't like making any mistakes as it made me feel like I was worthless as a worker or as a person in general. However, I used one of my strategies to cope myself, "Don't worry, it was just a little mistake you made. Everyone makes mistakes and it's okay."

…

Later in the afternoon, I was once again pulling the express but this time, I was heading back to Knapford Station. I didn't have any incidents after my engine's wheels slipped back at Vicarstown in the morning. This made me feel relieved as I felt happy and outgoing as usual as I greeted some workers whenever I went passed them. It felt so good that the rest of the day went swimmingly as I hummed to a merry tune while pulling the express. I knew that my boss would be proud of me, and I knew that Gordon would be proud too for me doing my job alone, despite it has been such a hectic day.

However, as I headed to Wellsworth Junction, I noticed a faulty signal as I spotted Henry was pulling some trucks. When I spotted him, I gasped in absolute fear as my heart began to pound violently as Henry was heading straight towards me. There, I screamed, "Henry! Watch out!"

With that, Henry popped his head out as he gasped, "Rebecca!"

There, we both put out brakes for out engines as Henry stopped his engine on time, but for me, I wasn't so lucky as my engine's wheels began to slip once again, but this time, it slipped so badly that by the time my engine came to a complete stopped, both my engine and the express coaches jolted violently as I fell to the ground. This got me stunned for a few seconds before I shook my head as I panted. There, I spotted Henry running towards me as he asked, "Are you okay?"

However, when I tried to respond, I felt like my voice was trapped as I couldn't stop shaking badly as my heart felt like it sank to my stomach. I knew I was having a massive panic attack as I couldn't think straight as I couldn't stop shaking to my running core. As Henry tried to support me, I heard some passengers shouting in anger as they said that this was such a disaster. They were right as the signal was broke, but when I some making rude comments about me, this caused me to cover my face with my hands as I tried to ignore all those words and try to regulate myself, but with no success. With this all occurring, I had this one question in my mind. Was I in trouble?

…

That evening, I was sent home by The Fat Controller as he instructed Edward to fetch Rocky to collect my engine to be examined as I did explain that my engine's wheels did slip. Going all the way home, I felt empty inside as I tried to block all those negative feelings, but this made me only feel worse. Even though I wasn't in trouble, I couldn't but feeling guilty that I didn't stop my engine safely, even though the circumstances was dangerous.

Once I arrived home, The Fat Controller looked at me with a small frown as he spoke, "I'm so sorry that this had happened to you, Rebecca, but until then, you can't work until your engine is all sorted."

When I heard that, I looked down as I felt some tears were building. I tried not to cry as I tried to remain professional as possible. I knew that The Fat Controller had notice my facial expression as he explained, "James would do the midnight express, and I can assure you that it wasn't your fault, and no passengers are seriously injured."

Even though he tried to comfort me, this didn't make me feel any better as I looked at him and replied sombrely as I bid him goodnight, "T-thank you, Sir. H-have a goodnight."

With that, The Fat Controller bid me goodnight back as he hopped inside his blue car and drove off. Once he was out of sight, I looked at the door intensely as a few tears managed to escape from my yellow eyes. I tried so hard to move on, but I couldn't as I feel a huge amount of remorse from the brake incident. However, after I stood there for a minute, I walked slowly to the door as I opened the door carefully.

Once I entered inside, I prayed that no one would notice me as I just wanted to be in my room all alone and I have no one to ask so many questions on what happened today. However, this wasn't the case as I spotted Percy, who ran towards me as he cried, "Rebecca! Thank goodness that you're alright! I overheard the accident was nearly disastrous!"

I knew that Percy was such a kind person, but when he mentioned about the incident, I went quiet as a mouse as I decided to continue to go towards the stairs so I can go to my room. I knew that I might have hurt Percy's feelings, but at that point, I just feel so awful that all I wanted to do was to avoid anyone so I can be all alone. As I headed upstairs, I spotted Emily, who looked at me with a big frown of concern as she asked if I was alright. Again, I didn't respond as once I got upstairs, I decided to dart to my room, which was at the far left and it was next to Gordon's.

Once I got to my room, I slammed the door shut as at this point, I couldn't contain all my emotions as I ran to my yellow bed and lied on it with my face buried on the pillow. There, I began to sob as I felt so terrible. This was one of the worst days I ever have, and it was the worst near accident that occurred. I thought I was the worst person ever as I couldn't stop my brakes properly and cause some passengers to get hurt.

After I cried for what felt like forever, I began to feel weary as I my now teary red, yellow eyes began to feel heavy. I didn't care to get change into comfortable clothes as I feel so bad. With that, I allow my eyes to close shut as I began to fell asleep. However, before I fell asleep, I swore that on the other side of the door, I heard some muffles coming from Percy, Thomas, Emily, Nia, and even Gordon. When I heard Gordon's voice, I was wondering what he was saying or thinking about me, but at that point, I didn't care as I fell asleep.

…

For the past few days, I was spending my days in my room, reading books miserably or trying to get some sleep. I never felt this low for years, and this feeling wasn't that pleasant. I tried my best to motivate myself by cleaning the house or cooking dinner, but every task I did felt so tiring as my mind was over all the place as I still couldn't move on from the accident. I even began to eat less as I lost my appetite. Even though many tried to console me, nothing made me feel better and what's more, Gordon didn't talk to me as he felt better and went back to pull the express for both day and night. This made me feel worse as I though that Gordon was disappointed at me, and whenever I saw him, he would only give me a worried look, but for my point of view, I thought he was furious at me. I knew that I was failure. I'm a failure.

…

However, on the seventh day since the incident, I got a call from my boss that my engine was repaired and that Henry will fetch my engine so he can bring it back and that tomorrow, I can start my work again. Just hearing that news didn't change my mood as I felt so tired and depressed. I knew that when I'm back to work, everyone would talk about me, and it will be all negative stuff about me. So, when I saw Henry returned my engine, he asked if I was alright, but I lied by saying that I was okay and that I was eager to return back to work. What I didn't know that Henry noticed my behaviour as he had a plan to help me.

…

That evening, I was home alone as everyone were either working for night shift or they would return home very soon. There, I was laying on the sofa as I fixated on the ceiling, Luckily, James and Thomas's cat, Domino, jumped onto my lap as he began to purr. This made me got up as I looked at the friendly cat with a gentle smile as I patted him. Having animals did made me feel somewhat better as animals are very empathic and they are fully aware when someone wasn't feeling well.

As I patted Domino while sighing, I heard the door open as I turned my head. To my surprise, I saw Gordon as his cobalt blue eyes shined as his jet black hair looked neat and sharp. I did blush for a moment by his presence, but I went back to focus on Domino, hoping that he didn't notice me. However, that wasn't the case as Gordon approached me and asked, "Hey… are you okay?"

When I heard him asked that question, that me gasped silently as I haven't got any words from Gordon for a week, and I surprise that he was concerned about me. However, I gave him a fake smile and replied weakly, "I'm… I'm fine."

However, when I looked at him with the fake smile still upon my lips, Gordon's cobalt blue eyes frowned his eyebrows as he gave me a small frown. This made me feel pathetic as I knew I was terrible at lying. There, I tried to avoid eye contact as I looked away while Domino hopped off and walked away. I prayed that Gordon wouldn't say anything as I thought he would shout at me, "No, you're not.", he said sadly as he sat on the couch next to me, despite there was a space between us, "Please, tell me what's wrong."

When he asked, I blinked my eyes a couple of times as I felt tears were about to escape from my eyes as I slowly turned my head towards him. There, I saw him with a concerned look as I knew that Gordon was genuinely worried about me. With that, I felt like my bottle of emotions was about to blow as tears rolled down my cheeks very fast as I wailed, "I'm such a failure!"

"What?", he gasped in horror as his eyes went wide.

Without thinking, I went towards him as I hugged him while crying. I felt so emotional that I didn't consider on Gordon's response. This made him gasp in surprise as he tried to soothe me, "Shh, there, there. You're not a failure.", he assured me as I felt his arms around me.

This made me blush in a moderate shade of pink as I tried to calm myself, "Yes I am!", I cried, "I caused some of the passengers to get hurt when I tried to put my brakes on, but the wheels slipped…"

"Rebecca…", Gordon spoke softly, but I cut of his sentence.

"And I heard some horrible comments, I knew that I failed the railway and everyone here…", I continued to explain my problem.

"Rebecca…", Gordon spoke a bit more sternly.

"And know I can never forgive myself! How did I work on this railway in the first place? I failed our boss, the passengers, and I…"

However, before I could say anything else, Gordon spoke more sternly, "Rebecca! Listen to me."

This made me quiet altogether as I looked deeply into his eyes as he looked at me with a sad look upon his face as he grabbed a piece of cloth from his pocket as he told me to blow it. There, I thanked him quietly as I blow my nose and wiped my remaining tears. Once I started to calm down, he looked at me and explained everything, "Rebecca. When I found out on what I have happened, I was horrified as I thought something had bad happened to you and everyone else. You have no idea that when I heard you crying when I was in my room, I couldn't stop worrying about you as me and the others were hoping that you'll be alright. The only reason why I didn't talk to you was because things were very busy, and The Fat Controller tried to help the passengers that made complaints."

When I heard his kind yet concerned voice, this made me feel safe as I knew he was such a caring friend deep inside. As I was still hugging him, he continued, "In the end, it wasn't your fault as that signal was faulty and good thing that you didn't crash into Henry. You should feel lucky that everyone is still alive, and that you warned Henry in time. I know that your engine's wheels did play a part to it, but again, it's not your fault."

With him trying to console me made me feel a bit better as I sniffed, "T-thanks Gordon, but… if I got back to work, everyone would refuse to go on a ride with me pulling the coaches."

"Nonsense.", Gordon replied as he gave me a gentle smile, "Accidents happens all the time, and those rude passengers aren't worth focusing on. In fact, you are a hero on that day as you warned Henry on time."

This made me try not to blush, but I failed miserably as I looked at him with glistening yellow eyes from the remaining tears as I thanked him. When I thanked him, this made him feel happy as I stuttered, "I-I'm that w-we are friends, Gordon."

With that, Gordon looked at me with a bit of wide eyes as he blushed in nice shade of pink as he then gave me a gentle smile again and replied, "That's what friends do."

…

Ever since that day, I began to slowly feel better, and I did take another week off as my boss understood my problem. Once I felt better, I went back to my job, but this time, my engine was good as new with no faults, and I felt like my cheery side as returned. Everyone was happy to see me again on the railway, as everyone was glad that I was alright. However, what made me happy the most was that I had such a caring friend, who supported me, despite his own flaws. I knew that someday, I might confess my true feelings, but until then, I still needed to recover from the trauma, and I should be thankful that I have supportive friends, and a caring boss. In the end, I love working for the North Western Railway as this will be my forever home.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hooray! I made a third fanfiction that is done in First Point of View. This time, I did Rebecca as I did James's, which was "Buzz, Buzz Again", and Thomas's, which was "Comfort". I enjoyed writing this one as I gave some depth into Rebecca, and there's a hint for Gordon x Rebecca. I do have plans to make a Point of View Series for other characters. Also, if you're wondering who's Domino the cat, then read "Thomas, James, and the Kittens", and then you'll understand.

Anyways… I hope you guys enjoyed it!