When Levi had been called to Hange's office for an urgent meeting this was not what he expected. The Commander had just returned from a cartography expedition beyond the walls having spent two weeks mapping the northern coastline. Now that the titans had been culled significantly but Hange's "Executioner from Hell," Scouts had more freedom for such excursions.
He hadn't expected her to call for him so soon, a mere hour after her arrival at the Scouting Legion's Wall Maria headquarters. What she tells him leaves him speechless, and although his face remains impassive his mind is running wild picking apart her statement.
"Petra Ral is alive." Hange repeats when he doesn't respond.
"That's not possible. I saw her body. I ordered it thrown from the cart myself."
"It's the truth. We stumbled upon an enemy stronghold near the ocean. Reiner was there. We were going to retreat but we were seen and had to engage. Reiner ran away. It's the only reason we were able to defeat them. It turns out the base was actually a prison of sorts holding people from the Walls, our soldiers—ones we assumed had died on expedition. Titan shifters must have been hiding in plain sight among the other titans and grabbing the injured, whisking them off to that place for questioning."
"Petra wasn't injured. She died." Levi says, his voice hard and tone final.
"They had this serum. It looks like they found a way to synthesize the healing properties of titans into an injection to heal humans. They gave it to our soldiers—to Petra. They were healed then questioned."
"You mean tortured."
Hange nods solemnly.
Levi remains perfectly still. It's too much. He doesn't know what to think or to feel. Grief, joy, relief, and rage mix within him, the concoction of emotions bubbling up. He feels dizzy. He wants to throw up. Instead, he stands.
"The others? Gunter, Eld, and Oluo?"
Hange shook her head.
"Where is she?"
"The medical ward with the other survivors, but she was in bad shape, Levi."
He's shaking now. Is it from the anger or the fear? He doesn't know.
"When we found her she was barely conscious." Hange explained, her expression unusually somber. "Most of the prisoners were killed immediately after being interrogated. She's been kept alive for a year."
Levi knew what that meant.
"She was interrogated and healed over and over again. When we found her, she was close to death. I forced one of the guards to give her the injection and we were able to save her life."
"What aren't you telling me?"
"She hasn't woken up yet."
Levi doesn't wait to be dismissed. He's out the door making quick strides towards the medical ward before Hange can say anything else.
When his squad died, Levi didn't allow himself to wallow. He buried the memories of his team deep inside where they couldn't affect him. He had a job to do, a duty to fulfill. Being a scout means losing your comrades every time you leave the walls, a fact he thought he'd understood. He hadn't wanted to care so deeply for them, but it was impossible not to. They'd been his team for four years. Four years of training together, living together, fighting together and they were wiped out by one titan in one day. His elite squad obliterated.
He'd never again get to listen to Eld gush over his fiancee or Gunter drunkly serenade them or Oluo tell his stupid jokes or Petra laugh at their antics. Not ever again. They were dead and he made his peace with that. His memories of them were locked away, only escaping in the night when his mental defenses were low and too weak to ward them off.
His strides become faster and faster until he breaks into an all out sprint. He doesn't allow himself to believe it, not until he sees her breathing. Not until then will he allow himself to hope.
Petra Ral — she'd secretly been his favorite. Fast, agile, a perfect teammate. Aside from him she had the highest total kill count among them. She'd been a fierce warrior like death from above, but she was more than that. Her stores of kindness seemed limitless. It was in the little things she did to keep up the squad's morale. Making coffee every morning so the team could wake up and chat together before starting the day, bringing him tea in the evening and staying to help him with his paperwork late into the night, and acting as a supportive figure to Eren when he'd been placed in their hands. Her bubbly personality seemed to lower everyone's walls and helped foster camaraderie. It was easy to assume she was just a pretty face with a kind heart if you didn't know better.
Levi knew the weight she carried, just like every Scout. She'd known suffering and loss. She'd held the hands of dying comrades and comforted those they'd left behind. Petra knew the risks of this type of life and she gave herself to humanity willingly. That was something about Petra that baffled Levi. Everyone in the Scouts chose to be there (except him, at first). They knew their lives were likely to be cut short. Of every new graduating class from the training corps, seventy percent would die within the first three years. Only mad men and women agree to those odds.
Some wanted to be heroes, believing the fight against monsters was a noble cause and they'd be celebrated in death. Fools, Levi thought, fools who were too young to know better. Others were broken on the inside with rage in their hearts and a death wish. People like Eren and people like him, ones with vendettas against the Titans. Then there were the ones who were just plain insane.
Petra didn't seem to fall into any of these categories. She was calm and measured, an excellent soldier. A natural. He couldn't deny her abilities, but Levi couldn't understand her reasons. With her wits and looks she could have anything in life — a husband and children, if that's what she wanted or a career doing just about anything. She was smart enough to have whatever she wanted, but she chose a short, bloody life in a war she'd likely never know the outcome of.
He'd never asked her why. He should have. He'd had so many opportunities, all those nights just the two of them completing stacks of paperwork. On the nights they'd finish early, they'd drink tea and talk late into the night. Mostly she talked about her home and family as he listened. He preferred it that way. She had a soft voice, melodic and warm. He liked to listen to her talk.
When she did ask him questions he found himself answering them. Not in detail, usually, but more than he would if it had been anyone else. Why she brought that out in him he didn't know, but despite his conscious telling him to keep his distance he found himself looking forward to their evenings more and more.
Gods, he wants to hear her voice again.
Levi tears across the grounds ignoring the strange looks from passerby soldiers. The medical building is in sight. His heart beats harder than it should from exertion. He throws open the doors upon arrival, eyes wild enough to scare the nurses.
"Captain Levi, what—"
"Petra Ral. Where is she?"
One of the nurses rises from the desk to escort him. The hall they transverse seems to stretch out in front of him. Had it always been so long?
"Through that door. She's unconscious still. I'll have the doctor come find you, sir." The nurse leaves him in a scurry. He takes a shaky breath then enters.
The moment he sees her everything stops. His breathing, his heartbeat, he wants to collapse. Instead he takes slow, measured steps to her bedside.
She looks almost peaceful like she could be taking a short nap rather than comatose. Her skin is pale and bruised beneath her eyes. She seems so much smaller than when he last saw her. Perhaps because she is. Her muscles have atrophied from malnutrition.
Levi reaches down, his hand hovering above her too hesitant to make contact. For a moment he fears that if he tries to touch her she'll disappear like some cruel dream. His fingers meet her hair, brushing the soft strands back from her face. It's longer now, past her shoulders. He lets out a choked sob-like noise. How long had he been holding his breath?
"Petra…" That's all he can say. If he says another word he's certain he'll cry and he hasn't done that since the day they all died. He'd rather not repeat the experience.
Hange joins him when the doctor arrives. Dr. Helene, an older woman he'd seen in the Corps for many years, tells them they simply don't know what they're dealing with. Hange tells him she took samples of the serum back with her and she's doing tests to try to understand the formula but it will take time. Physically, Petra's out of danger. Malnourished and weak but whatever they injected her with had healed all previous injury.
According to Hange, Petra's injuries had been many. The enemy invaders had been brutal in their methods. Levi himself had experienced his share of torture, both as the giver and the receiver but even he blanched at the picture Hange painted.
Hange explains how her team managed to capture the Warden and a few of the guards. The rest were killed or fled. As he sat beside the woman's bedside Levi let the more sadistic side of his psyche take over, imagining everything he'd do to those men when he had the chance. He'd repay their treatment of her twice over, and he'd do it with a smile.
"Levi," Hange says as she opens the door to leave. "There's a strong possibility she may never wake up, and if she does she likely won't be the woman you remember. You need to prepare yourself either way."
He only manages to grunt in response.
The rest of the night is spent in silence. Levi stays awake watching the rise and fall of her chest. She's breathing on her own. It's a good sign, the doctors tell him. His hand is wrapped firmly around hers as though he's trying to tether her to this plane, a silent plea for her not to leave him again.
In the dark his mind wanders. The memories come back to him unprompted though not unwelcome. Not anymore. He remembers when he first saw Petra's skills on the battlefield. She'd saved a fellow Scout who's gear malfunctioned, cutting through a Titan's grasp just before it could lower the screaming boy into its mouth. She'd kept her composure, circling back after depositing the boy then distracting the titan so another soldier could go in for the kill.
When he'd requested her to be placed on his squad, she'd taken to the others immediately. Petra was good at that, getting to know people and making them feel at home. To Eld, she was like a little sister. His second in command was always trying to look out for the younger woman even though she didn't need it. She liked to listen to his stories and give him a woman's perspective whenever he needed advice. He and Emily were due to be married three months after the 57th expedition. Petra had helped them plan the wedding.
Gunter and Eld were rarely seen without the other but Petra often wormed her way into their antics. Even though the two older scouts were bigger, stronger and brasher, she always tried to keep up with them. Whether it was to prove her abilities or because she didn't like to be left out, Levi was never sure. Gunter appreciated her determination though. The two would occasionally be found in the lounge area on their days off deep in a bottle of whisky debating philosophy or politics, or even stupid things like who on their team snored the loudest. Gunter always outdrank her, but Petra would never admit that.
Oluo and Petra's relationship was slightly more labored but only because Oluo's personality was…challenging. They'd been in the same training group at the academy, joined the Special Ops Squad at the same time, and always seemed deep in a competitive rivalry. No one could deny Oluo was a gifted soldier. He had the highest solo kill count of anyone on the squad besides Levi himself, but his need for approval from Humanity's Strongest tended to grate. The younger man had begun to imitate his captain both in style of dress and speech. For whatever reason this irked Petra to no end. The two were constantly squabbling though Levi couldn't help but feel the two secretly liked to nag each other. It felt good to be angered by something trivial rather than heavy injustices of their world.
Together, the four of his soldiers were perfectly in sync with him as their captain. He'd gained their trust, respect, and eventually their friendship. Though Levi cared for all of his subordinates, his feelings towards Petra had always been different. Not because she was a woman but because she was…Petra.
Their nights spent drinking tea and talking about everything and nothing had been the highlight of many of his days. He enjoyed her company, but he'd never allow their exchanges to progress farther than simple camaraderie even though deep down he knew how she felt about him. It wasn't hard to figure out between her too long glances and the ways she stood up for him at every opportunity. She'd blush whenever he'd get too close or compliment her, and even though Levi knew it was selfish he'd occasionally make her blush on purpose just to see her get pink and flustered.
But it could never be more than that. He was her captain, she was his much younger subordinate, and he was not that type of man.
The night before the 57th expedition had challenged him on that front, however. There'd been no paperwork to do that night as the tradition before an expedition is to rest up and mentally prepare. As usual, Levi couldn't sleep. He'd made himself a cup of tea and ventured to the roof for some air. He hadn't expected company.
When he'd opened the door to the rooftop, he saw a small silhouette sitting on the ledge with her neck craned towards the stars.
"Careful, Ral. Falling off the roof for no damn reason would be a hell of an embarrassing way to die."
"Captain?" Petra looked over her shoulder. "Couldn't sleep?"
"As a general rule, no."
He joined her on the roof's edge, their legs dangling in the air high above the ground.
"I always have trouble relaxing the night before an expedition," Petra said. She wore her civilian clothes — a thick, long sweater over dark pants. Out of uniform, she didn't look like a solider.
"That's natural," Levi said, taking a sip of his tea.
"This one will be different though won't it?" Her tone hushed as she spoke. He knew her eyes were on him in that moment.
"It will be…more hazardous than what we're used to."
They didn't speak for a while. Petra kept her eyes on the sky as Levi sipped his tea, the hot mug steaming in his hands. He noticed her shiver.
"Tea?" He held the mug to her.
She paused for moment before taking it.
"Thank you, Captain." She took a sip and smiled.
Normally, Levi would be averse to sharing anything he puts his mouth on with another person, but sharing with Petra didn't bother him in the slightest. She handed him back the mug.
"Do you ever get nervous?" Petra asked. "Before an expedition, I mean."
"Not usually," Levi answered honestly. "Whatever happens will happen. We'll make choices and make our peace. That's how it always is."
"Hm."
"What?"
"Nothing, sir."
"Petra, if you have something to say, say it." Levi scowled.
Petra huffed beside him, her breath visible in the late night air.
"It's just…you always seem so untouchable, and it's not just because you're Humanity's Strongest. I mean you've got this cool exterior where you're always in control. I don't think I've ever even seen you afraid. Not on the outside, at least." Petra took a breath, seeming to collect her thoughts.
"I have no doubt you'll come out of tomorrow unscathed. You're you after all, but that's not to say you're invincible. You're an excellent soldier, but you're still a man. Men are allowed to feel."
Levi didn't know what to say to that. He handed her back the mug of tea.
"I'm sorry, sir. I've been too forward." Petra accepted the mug in her hands, staring down into the steaming liquid.
"You don't have to do that."
"Do what?" She looked at him. His eyes had long since adjusted to the dark and he could make out her expression of confusion, eyebrows knitted and eyes wide.
"Call me sir. You can call me by my name when we're alone."
She looked away, a smile breaking across her face.
"Alright then, Levi."
He liked the way it sounded, his name on her lips.
Petra sipped from the teacup and handed it back to him, their fingers ghosting each other as she did. The contact was brief but it flustered Levi all the same. It wasn't as though he'd never touched her before. They'd spared often, his hands grasping parts of her body to correct her stance or catch her in a hold. He knew the feel of her finger tips on his skin from the countless times she'd sewn up his wounds in the field. He'd done the same for her.
A simple graze shouldn't have felt so intimate.
"Are you nervous, Petra?" Levi asked.
She seemed to startle.
"Nervous?"
"About the expedition."
"Oh. Well, yes. I suppose I am." Petra sighed. "Going into Titan territory always puts me on edge, but at least I know what to expect. This time feels different."
"Because of Eren?"
Petra nodded.
"We've never had an advantage like this before. Eren could be a huge turning point against the Titans, and it gives me this sense of hope I hadn't felt before. When I joined the Corps I doubted I'd live long enough to see how everything ends, but now…"
She paused for several long moments before continuing, "Do you ever feel like you're afraid to hope for something because actually having it means it can be taken away? And that having and losing it will feel worse than never having it at all?"
Levi's heart skipped a beat. He knew she'd been talking about the mission, but her words rang true to him in an entirely different way.
"I know the feeling." His eyes locked on hers and even though they were draped in shadow he knew she was blushing. He had to look away.
"Hope is dangerous," he said "but it's also necessary. Without it, Erwin wouldn't be masterminding humanity's survival. Hange wouldn't risk her limbs measuring fucking titan's teeth. You wouldn't be sitting out here on this ledge with me worrying about the future."
The two sat in mirrored positions, their hands resting on either sides of their bodies lightly gripping the edge of the roof.
"And you, Levi?" Petra's voice was soft as she tilted her head towards him. "What do you hope for?"
Levi felt her fingers gently press against his, their pinky fingers touching just slightly. It wasn't overt. No lines had been crossed, yet his trademark composure began to slip. He silently thanked the cover of night for hiding his features as he slipped his hand over hears.
"You know." He managed, releasing a sigh. "And you know why it can't happen."
He felt rather than saw Petra nod. Of course she understood. If nothing else, Petra was too compassionate for her own good. The thought made his heart clench. He wanted to give in, to give her what she wanted, but deep down he knew it couldn't work. They had pledged their hearts to humanity and made vows they both intended to keep. When he did anything, he did it fully or not at all. Petra deserved more than half of his heart, and he could never give it to her.
For a moment they sat perfectly still, joined by the hand beneath a clear night sky putting off the inevitable.
"It's late." Petra finally said. "We should try to get some sleep."
They stood together and it took Levi a moment to realize he was still holding her hand.
"Goodnight, sir." She whispered, squeezing his hand before gently pulling away.
"Goodnight, Ral." Levi let her go and watched as she walked away.
He thinks of this moment often when he lays awake at night. The bittersweetness of it kills him a little, but the memory of her hand in his keeps him coming back. He's holding her hand now as he sits beside her bed. It doesn't feel the same. Cold, clammy, corpse-like. He brings it to his cheek as he leans forward.
"You have to wake up, Ral." He says, "That's an order. I did not give you permission to come back just to leave me again. You're better than that. You're…" He chokes. He hates this, the drudging up of feelings he'd rather keep buried.
"Fuck. You're you, okay? When you're around, everything is better—I'm better. So much shit has happened, and there's a lot I need to tell you. I've been surrounded by children for the last year. Children! You'd have liked it I bet, having all those brats to mollycoddle."
He smirks at the thought despite himself.
"I'd understand if you wanted to stay asleep. After what you've been through coming back to this cruel existence probably doesn't sound all that great. But I'm going to be selfish and tell you that I need you to wake up. I need you to come back to me because I've seen a world without Petra Ral in it, and it's fucking awful. You can't give me hope like this. You're not that cruel. So, I'm going to sit right here until you're ready. I'm not going anywhere."
At some point in the night, Levi doses off. His head hangs heavy, propped up by one hand while the other remains entwined with her's. As the sun breaks over the horizon and light filters in, the woman in bed begins to stir. She squeezes his hand and opens her eyes.