A/N: Heyyyyyy! Next part of Jeansasha Week 2021 is here. Today's prompt was Awkwardness and it's there if you squish, because I love the thought of Jean being an awkward baby around Sasha.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Attack on Titan universe or characters
Jean doesn't remember seeing so many stars before.
Back in Trost, only a few stars used to capture his attention due to their brightness. The starlit sky didn't interest him back then, focused as he was on growing up under his mom's care, on excelling as a cadet, on surviving every single day as a member of the Scout Regiment.
He may never say it out loud, but it's her who manages to show him the beauty of the stars, as if these small balls of light in the sky are distant friends guiding the way.
Sasha, with her warmth, her spontaneous enthusiasm, the way her smile practically reaches her ears when she talks about things she loves, breaking through the uncertainty and the fear and the secrets the world holds for them.
She drags him to the beach at night, the same day they discover the ocean one whole year after the battle in Shiganshina. She makes him lie down next to her, oblivious to the sand seeping in her hair and clothes, and locks her honey brown eyes on the sky above them, on the millions of stars illuminating the darkness and giving the seashore an almost mysterious glow.
To say that Jean blushes at her request would be the understatement of the year.
But when Sasha looks at his standing form with a smile, patting the spot next to her, Jean finds himself unable to refuse.
He lies by her side, hands awkwardly crossed on his chest, his own eyes stubbornly focusing on the sky without actually observing it; anything in order to calm down his erratic heartbeat that's been caused by her presence right next to him, closer than they have ever been in the years they've known each other.
Sasha herself is relaxed, her arms resting idly against her sides, her expression softened. She almost looks different, Jean thinks as he throws her a side glance. The funny, kind and loyal girl he knows looks radiant right now, like she has become one with the beach and the sea and the sky, ethereally beautiful under the starlight, like she has transformed into someone he's seeing for the first time.
"Why are we here?" He wants to know, hating to break the mystical silence of the night, yet he needs to know why she chose him to show the stars to.
Sasha laughs; a gentle, ringing sound in perfect harmony with the scenery around them, and Jean feels his breath catching in his throat at how in peace the sound of her laughter makes him feel.
"It's been years since the last time I enjoyed watching the stars. And I know that the recent revelations have made you…uneasy." She simply explains. "Thought I'd show you this…so you can see that some things are beyond us, and are here for us to observe."
"You used to stargaze often?"
"I had to, growing up as a huntress. The stars were sometimes our only guiding light during hunting trips. Yet there is one star that has always held a special place for me. A bright star that, according to my parents, always helps you find the true north."
Her voice as she speaks, equally soft to her laughter earlier. Jean finds himself hanging from her every word, eager to learn more, and at the same time he feels odd shivers down his spine, like he wants to say something, but doesn't know what.
"The true north?" He only asks.
"That's how my parents described it. That no matter how lost you feel, that no matter how much you've lost your orientation, this star will always be there to guide you and help you find your way."
She turns her head towards him as he speaks, their faces only a minimum distance away from each other, both glowing in the light of the stars. Now it's like Jean's entire being is focused on her and her story; his arms relaxing as well, mimicking her position, hanging at his sides as he waits for her to continue.
"It's what my dad always said when he saw me nervous." She smiles. "That the true north is here, waiting for all of us. For only a few things are as constant as this northern star."
And Jean takes a deep breath, almost a gasp. For he now understands why Sasha dragged him to this beach away from the walls, away from their sleeping comrades. Why she shared her childhood memory with him.
She has realized how scared he is due to them facing so many truths and mysteries; how the prospect of the land across the ocean terrifies him. She wants to give him something to hope for, something to guide him, something to ground him when he feels lost in this vast world that's bigger than he could ever imagine.
And the gratitude he feels at this moment, under a sky of stars, leaves him gasping for air, as he can't avert his eyes from Sasha's. She has grown serious too, waiting for his reaction, maybe, or wondering if everything she did and said is too much for him, probably unaware of the turmoil inside him, or too discrete to mention it.
"So what are we doing now?" He whispers huskily, and to someone who doesn't know, his question would sound like a desperate plea for some normalcy.
Yet to Sasha, who knows way more than he gave her credit for until now, keep looking at him, her face still inches apart from his, her eyes like two shining stars themselves that render Jean unable to speak.
"Don't think about it. Don't say anything." She replies, chuckling when Jean turns his head to look at the sky again, too overwhelmed to continue looking at her. "Watch the stars. Find your own true north. And hold on to your constant."
When she slips her hand into his, his first urge is to pull away, to stand up and go back to sleep, to awkwardly cough, to do anything to run away like he always tries to run away from his emotions.
In the end, searching for a constant, he squeezes her hand, without looking at her and no words needed as the northern star shines above them.
The same northern star he will look to for guidance when he loses her years later.
A/N: I'M SORRY ABOUT THE ANGST IN THE LAST SENTENCE, I COULDN'T HELP IT! Anyway, hope you liked it, and stay tuned for more content.