Been too long out of the fan fiction world, but after hearing this come up on my YouTube recommendations, I couldn't help but write!
I'm fairly new to the fandom, but this relationship between Levi and Erwin struck out to me as one of the most well-written ones around. Whether or not one would see them as platonic or romantic, I definitely do believe they have one of the strongest dynamics around, and I think it deserves a little more spotlight. :) Enjoy!
Beneath him lay the remains of what was once a stalwart symbol of human strength. Moonlight limned each shred with a pale, silvery glow, a subtle contrast to the deep color of the midnight sky that he imagined was littered with millions of stars, obscured only by the heavy clouds that had steadily showered a continuous downpour of rain.
Gazing out into the distance, his eyes followed the faint lights from the city, watching as they flickered the way the stars might have, were they somehow closer to this earth. The night was beautiful, indeed. Yet, he failed to find peace amidst the serenity it offered—perhaps that was the price he had to pay for choosing these wings to take flight and go after his dream.
"What are you brooding over this time, Erwin?"
He needed nothing else but to hear that voice to know who would ever speak to him in so casual a manner. He allowed himself a faint smile as he heard the light footsteps coming closer, but kept his eyes fixed on the city lights, despite feeling the other man's gaze on him. He didn't mind the company. Not that he could have stopped Levi, anyway.
"Levi," he said. "How's Eren? Is he underground?"
His footsteps ceased, and out of the corner of his eye, he saw Levi turn towards the scene before them. "I've left him with my squad. I trust Petra can handle him," he said, crossing his arms. "Knowing the brat, he'd probably be out and about, but he's Hanji's responsibility for now."
"I see."
Levi came closer, and tilted his head eastward—the same direction he was facing. "That's the royal capital, isn't it?"
"Yes," he said, nodding. "You can see it too, right?"
He grunted, likely knowing that this was one of his subliminal questions. "What're you getting at, Erwin?"
"An archer needs only to sharpen their aim to take down their target. This particular spot," he says, and points towards a small opening, "provides a clear advantage—they have the perfect vantage point to assess any situation."
"You're a conundrum," said Levi, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I can understand that in those old days of fiefdom and knights and shit that conquering castles was the way of life, but that's got nothing to do with the war we're living in now."
He smiled at that. "Perhaps."
"You've been staring at this rock for far too long," Levi commented dryly. "Hanji said there was a legend that this castle was built with stones from the war of gods. Sounds like bullshit to me but these walls look about as tough as those that keep those idiot titans out."
Erwin nodded. "Indeed… these walls are so thick that neither rain nor wind have brought it down in the last centuries. I wonder though, why its inhabitants abandoned it. The view is magnificent, and what a shame were it not to be used strategically—especially should one wage war with the monarchy."
Levi laughs, and sighs. "Erwin… you're not serious, are you? Even if that is a joke, I know that you know that the government has been so high-strung on us, more so with all this business with Eren." He snorts. "But no, it's not just those idiots, it's the rest of those self-righteous pigs with only their own agenda in mind."
He feels Levi's hand lightly rest on his arm, and in a softer tone, says, "Erwin…. You need to be careful. More than ever, you need to be cautious about what you do and say." He pulls back. "So don't say shit like that, or the end might be sooner than we think. Then what?"
"If it's just you who hears it, no one can say anything, right?"
"Suit yourself," Levi mutters, and crosses his arms again. He goes silent, falling into his own thoughts.
Erwin shifts his gaze slightly, allowing Levi's profile into his view, and thought, You're a conundrum yourself, Levi. A living contradiction. Outwardly apathetic yet deeply compassionate, calm yet chaotic, strong but delicate, unruly yet fiercely loyal… and a deep darkness that hides only the brightest of lights. I could never fathom how I inspired such trust, friendship, and loyalty from you. Over and over again, you emphasize how you trust my judgment, and that you would follow me to hell and back. But I don't know if I deserve that, especially from you.
They stayed silent, as the rain continued pouring. It seemed no end was in sight, but he hoped that the weather would clear up in time for tomorrow. They would best afford no further delays.
"So, what was so fun about staring out into this ghost of the past?" says Levi, breaking the silence. "I don't know about you, but the longer we stay here, I wouldn't know what was dead and what was living."
"Well… I don't have an answer to that," he says, shoving a hand into his pocket. It was a nervous habit of his, something he never noticed until Levi had pointed it out during the rare occasion that he was truly lost for words. People often asked him about why he did what he did, and he'd perfected his answers for each one—except Levi. It was easy to give anyone a simple answer, but Levi knew bullshit even before people could get it out of their mouths. He was keen, perceptive, and intuitive on a level that was more than he would ever let on.
"I suppose I just happened to need some air, found my way up to this view, and started thinking. I don't know. I can never be at ease, it seems," he admitted.
Levi laughs. He rarely does, but between them, things were just different. Likewise, Erwin never admitted his insecurities to anyone else. They had each other to rely on, and it was a small, yet treasured comfort amidst the harsh truths and brutal reality they lived in. He needed Levi's candor, and Levi needed his vision.
"You know, you're really something else," Levi says, in a tone that was uncharacteristically softer, the one he heard once or twice when he had been in awe, admiring the various gradients of the sky in their initial expeditions. "You're beyond anyone I've ever met—not only do you think outside the box, but you've proven your worth with all these risks you take. Yet, you don't have to. Why would someone like you—someone normal, want to be part of this suicide squad of the Survey Corps, and choose to go through this hell paved with these berserk titans just to free humanity?"
Erwin sighs. I'm not the man you think I am, Levi. I wish you wouldn't put me on such a pedestal. "Levi… there are people in this world who desire change. Growing up, I suppose I was just never satisfied with just answers. I wanted reasons. And I wanted to know the reasons behind those reasons—and I believe I always continue to pursue that." He watches as Levi continues to stare at the lights, his grey eyes reflecting the infinitesimal glow of the moonlight. "There are simply too many things we don't know, things we don't understand. About the titans, where they came from, how we can fight them. In fact, I'd venture to ask even why we were in these walls in the first place. Why are we here, and why do we suffer? I want to know everything, but I also understand how lofty, or even, how impossible that goal is—so I'll keep going as far as I can. I wonder, though, how far that might be."
"Who knows…" he says, picking a stray piece of lint on his cape, frowning. He hated such fatalistic thoughts, but he also understood the reality they were facing. "It's your job to think about it. It's mine to keep you alive so you can keep doing it."
"Why do you say that?" Erwin asks, his words faster than his brain could complete the process to stop himself. "Why do you think you need to protect me?"
Levi jerks slightly, his lips parted in surprise. Neither of them had expected the question, and another moment of silence hangs between them. Levi frowns again and pauses to consider his answer, the continuous stream of rain pattering on. Upon regaining his composure, he slowly turns towards him.
"Erwin… just remember that I chose to follow you. Despite being in this shitty world where nothing lasts, you have something that I lack, and that's what keeps me going," he says, glancing at the floor, and attempts to hide how he bites his lip. That was his nervous habit, and Erwin had only seen it on the rare times that Levi had shared something personal with him. The man feared nothing but his own emotions, and Erwin understood. He formed attachments sparingly, if only to spare the other from the inevitable pain of loss. Loss drove people to madness, and that was something they couldn't afford in their line of work.
"I thought… survival was enough. And I guess it is, for most people. But you're not most people." He looks up at Erwin. "That's why I chose you. Before you, I've never felt purpose other than living for myself. You showed me that there was more than that."
Erwin was awestruck. In the years they'd fought with, by, and for each other, he'd never have imagined Levi telling him as much as he did, and what he did just now. For once, he was speechless, and Levi was not.
Levi sighs. "Erwin, for fuck's sake, say something! Wipe that shocked look off your face. You're the one who's supposed to have something to say about everything." He massages his temples, scowling. "I'm getting worried about your sanity."
He finds a chuckle. "I'm sorry. It's just… I never thought I'd hear that from you."
"Well don't get used to it…" said Levi, his tone a bit sheepish. "You're still a pain in the ass."
"I suppose so."
Levi regards him again, and turns his head slightly towards him. "Well, the rain's not stopping anytime soon, and I doubt either of us will get much sleep. I can stay here all night, if it keeps you from throwing yourself into that abyss of your mind."
He laughs. "I appreciate it." A beat of silence passes, and he glances at the walls in the distance. Then, he looks at Levi. "Can I tell you something?"
Levi shrugs. "Like I said… I've got all night, commander."
"I think Eren will be the key to understanding why these walls were put up in the first place. Someone built it, but we don't know why. And I wonder if it's truly meant to protect us, or if it's meant to keep us in. Like a cage."
Levi raises an eyebrow. "The fuck… I used to think you were crazy for sounding like Hanji, and now you have to talk like the brat too?"
"Hey, Hanji's made great strides in helping us understand the titans better. Without them, we'd never have devised better ways to maneuver around our techniques, or come up with better designs for our gear."
"I don't know. Four-eyes still creeps the fuck out of me…"
Erwin smiles. "But they're the best we have in the corps on titan knowledge, and the most curious of us all in that respect. I could never match that."
"Hmph."
"And about Eren… was he the brat you were referring to? His sense of purpose is admirable in someone so young—I never imagined someone would never take a brutal beating of yours to heart."
"Tch," he says, folding his arms again. "He's probably scarred for life. You know I didn't want to do that as cruelly as I did. Your idiot friend spoke up too late."
He chuckled. "Yes, perhaps he was in too much of a shock."
Levi shook his head. "I worry, though. That look… that look in Eren's eyes. It's as if he was a beast on the hunt. His hatred for these damned titans fuels him like no other, and I worry that this monster inside of him will overpower the human in him." He closed his eyes for a moment, before continuing. "He saw his mother die, and I know what it's like. It's fucking frustrating."
"Tell me."
He shakes his head, sighing. He knows Levi doesn't talk about his past often, and he knows how it pained him to mention her. And yet, he continued speaking. So, Erwin would listen.
"I understand, more than anyone else. That fucking helplessness and powerlessness that comes with being unable to prevent someone you love from dying. From suffering. But he's different. His eyes, they burn with hatred and dissatisfaction, and with his frustration and lack of control, he could be a huge liability in the end." He stops, and again, tries to hide how he bites down on his lip. Perhaps he feels he's said too much. "Yet, I don't know what's worse—seeing someone suffer, or not knowing how much they suffer in silence."
"You're right, Levi," he assures. As much as he wanted to hear Levi's stories about his past, he never wanted to pry too much. It was mutual, though Erwin rarely had anything to keep from Levi. "I don't know about that, either, and I'm not sure which I'd rather have. But we do need that suffering to fuel the fire that will keep us burning. We need to keep moving forward, for the sake of those who suffer."
"I know. You've always had that bloody fire anyway."
"You're saying that I'm the same way?"
Levi glances at the floor. "Sometimes…" he says, softly.
Erwin grins. "So you think, then, that I've got the eyes of a bright young soldier barely into his years? Well, I must appear younger than I thought."
"Tch, I'm not flattering you!" Levi exclaims, incredulous. His eyes widened slightly, but the edges of his lips twitch up. They certainly had a strange sense of humor, coming in at the most inappropriate of times. How they managed to swing from a morbid conversation about suffering to teasing one another about appearances, he didn't know, but again, he only had so many of those treasured idiosyncrasies in this fleeting world. Levi, you are truly something else, he thinks.
He laughs. "Yes, I know that."
Levi shoves him lightly. "Oh please. Well, these gambles of yours have been paying off, and you're right more often than you're wrong." He pauses, to look up at him. Their eyes lock, and Erwin can't help but keep his gaze at him as he speaks. "But be careful. The stakes are up even higher, and if you're not cautious, you'll end up in a world of pain."
He nods. It's the third time Levi expresses his worry for him, and if Levi said something, he meant it. "I agree. It would certainly be wise to take more calculated risks." He stops, yet, neither of them seemed eager to break their gaze. So, he adds, "It'll be an even bigger challenge from now on. But do know... I wouldn't have any other man by my side."
Erwin pulls closer to Levi, earning him a startled sound from the smaller man as he rests his hands on both of his shoulders. The night had certainly been full of surprises, but none of them could ever come close to this. It was rare for either of them to be so intimate, yet, that moment had felt right.
"You'll come along with me, won't you, Levi?"
Levi doesn't pull away, and the glint in his eyes is all he needs from the other man to know his answer. Yet, with Levi, there was always something more, and suddenly, he finds himself even closer to him, in a tight embrace. Shocked, he stiffens, unsure of what to do, but his arms somehow find themselves around Levi, holding him tighter, and leans his head forward, breathing in the clean, sharp scent of Levi's hair.
"Always," he mumbles. "With you, I know that there is something beyond all of this. Beyond these walls… beyond this rain… there is something more."
"You won't regret it?" he asks, almost a whisper. It never occurred to him how much he needed reassurance, but neither did it occur to him how Levi was so willing to give it. So, he listens.
"Never."
The night soon faded into the dusky colors of lavender and orange, the two men side-by-side on the edge of the castle walls. They had slumped together, sometime in the night, and from behind, one could see the wings of freedom on their backs—shining, from the rising sun and glistening, from the rain. Together, the symbol bore more weight as the wings of light, and the wings of night—the paragon of hope and strength, of risk and reward, of knowledge and ignorance, and of life and death.