Clary

I shoulder the heavy bag that's slung across my back, it weighs me down and makes me stumble. I pant as I walk farther along the bridge, the chilly fall air tinting my cheeks and numbing my nose. The moon reflects off the water, taunting me, shining with my fears. I take a deep breath and release it in a puff of white, a cold sweat dampens my shirt chilling me further and making me shudder. My whole body shook with fear and anticipation, as I made it to the middle of the bridge. I dropped my bag with a heavy thud and bend down to retrieve the contents. But half way down I stop, righting myself, I walk over to the rail and peer down. The waves sloshed around the bridges support, as if trying to pull them into its ominous depth. The choppy waves looked like liquid coal, black and threatening. I breathed in the salty air, trying to calm my stomach, but only succeeded in making my head spin. Turning back to my bag, I crouched and pulled the long, rough rope. I made my palms itch and my heart beat faster. I closed my eyes and counted to ten before pulling out the rest of the rope and walking to the nearest support beam. I fisted the rope and stared hard at the beam then began to tie a large knot. Hands worked the rope with skill, I'd been practicing for weeks.

I had been preparing for weeks, not that it had really set in...the fact I was planning my own death. I bought the cheapest rope I could find, thin but it would work. Then I worked to save enough for the drive out here. I didn't want to be anywhere near the hell hole I call a house when I finally met peace. My Uber driver had looked at me like I had three heads but he didn't ask any questions...thankfully. I had realized that I didn't have much of an alibi for a 17 year old girl taking a Uber 3 hours away at 7:00 at night. Not many could put the pieces together right, but it was definitely enough to cause concern. But still he kept to himself and simply drove in quiet, I put my earbuds in about 10 minutes into the drive but with nothing else to do, I was left with my thoughts. Never a good thing. I let my mind whirl, buzzing with heavy thoughts. It seemed to only make me want the man to drive faster.

When we reached the bridge I told the man to stop, he looked very confused but still kept his lips sealed. He simply nodded and mumbled about having a good night. Then, I was out of the car and he sped off with any of my hopes of changing my mind.

Now, as I stood, violently yanking on the rope, I had almost no thoughts. My body and mind numb, void of the constant thoughts that typically plagued my head. Maybe it's cause I had no use for them now. They would be silent forever soon.

I pulled hard on the last knot and grunted approval. I hadn't realized my hands were shaking, but reaching for the other end of the rope I saw the tremors that ran up my arm. I shook my head and snatched the rope before I could think better, I raised the rope to my neck and steeled myself. I began to loop the rope around my neck creating more and more knots till it hangs heavily on my shoulders.

After it's tied sufficiently I reach for the bag once again, rummaging through it for the folded slip of paper with my life on it. I pull it out and unfold it, my eyes skim the words...reading it only made me more sure I had to do this. I read the words one last time.

I had to do this. The world will be better without me. I want to say that I hope I find peace, and to those who care, do not mourn me, remember me...at least the good parts. And to those who I've hurt I hope this brings you peace as well, I will no loner cause pain, I will no longer hurt. To the people who I love, the slim few, you got time this far, and I thank you for that, I'm sorry I could make it farther. I have. Much to say but no words to say it, so I'll stop here...do not mourn me.

I can't help but read the words three more times, these are going to be my last words, my explanation to the action. Read them now I don't think it's enough, but I have nothing else to write with...and nothing else to truly say.

With a deep breath, I refold the paper and slip it in between the loops of rope, there they could find it.

I look back to the rail, my stomach doing backflips. And front flips...and side flips if that's a thing. I try to clear my head as I take steady, measured towered the rusty barrier. The numbness had spread to all my limbs, my arms hung limp and my feet had a mind of their own. They carried me towards it till I could loom over and see the dark, choppy waves. My hands gripped the rail hard, till my knuckles turned white, I could feel the orangy rust stain my palms but I didn't care I was to mesmerized by the water. I watched the crashing waves for what seemed like hours but it couldn't have been...the sky was still dark and the stars still shined down dimly, blocked by thin clouds.

Finally, I drew a breath and braced myself, then l pulled myself up and onto the thin rail. I wobbled for a moment, fear shooting through me as looked down, nearly losing my balance. My heart beat slowed slightly when I rightened myself, I looked away from the black below me and took deep breaths. Then I shifted so that my back faced the water.

Fear made me shake, but I pushed it away and set my lips in a determined line.

The world will better with out you in it…

My eyes began to water, tears making my vision swim. I had to do this, I had to.

I stretched my arms out letting them balance me for only a second till a breeze blew and I let myself tip back...till I was falling.