Okay, readers. This is the 44th chapter of this story!
Now, this chapter is going to showcase the issues with gambling, and a satirical depiction of what the consequences are, though it isn't as satirical as the chapter I did regarding the use of guns.
Anyway, in this chapter, Frank brings up the regulations with gambling or to be more specific; poker, the guys at the Swamp don't care about that, Andrew brings up the long term issues and consequences of gambling, something happens to the payroll, which doesn't stop Hawkeye, Trapper, Henry, Radar or Klinger from gambling, resorting to betting off other things, and some other crazy stuff will take place. How will things go for everyone at the 4077th, specifically in terms of gambling? Find out right now, readers!
AT THE M*A*S*H 4077 - 19:35
It was a clear evening at the 4077th. Those that weren't on Post-Op detail tending to the patients were elsewhere, enjoying whatever type of merriment that they like to take part in. In the Swamp, in particular, there was a poker game going on there. Sitting at the table were Hawkeye, Trapper, Henry, Radar, and Klinger.
And they were playing their usual poker game as they do most nights. With the poker cards, poker chips, and money that they earned on payday, they were willing to bet off as much money as they could. Aside from that, they were also hoping to come out on top while earning all the bettings that were placed on the table.
They were wearing their usual clothes, and they seemed as casual as always to play poker. Some of them were more eager to win the dough than others, but they were all highly passionate about playing this form of gambling. Though from the looks of it, it didn't seem like any of them were playing this game for fun, but merely for the money.
With their cards drawn out in their hands, along with the poker chips being placed out on the table, the poker game was getting underway.
"Alrighty folks, this looks like another great night to play some poker," Henry remarked with a cigar in his mouth. "Shall we get started?"
"Oh you know me, Henry, I can't keep a good poker champ waiting," Hawkeye said. "My colleague Pokerface on the other hand has this habit of losing all his bettings. Trapper has as much luck as the navigator of the Titanic."
"Hey, I'm just about as ready as the rest of you are," Trapper defended. "'In fact', I feel that tonight, I've got luck on my side. An ace in the hole."
"Right after you ace yourself into losing, you'll put money in a parking meter, where it will come up as three lemons." Hawkeye reminded him. "You have a gift for losing."
"Not after tonight, I'm not," Trapper remained confident. "You're looking at a new man who'll win the jackpot after tonight's game. I can be sure of that."
"That's what you've said every night for the past couple of weeks, Trap," Hawkeye groaned. "And you never won those poker games?"
"That was then, this is now. And this time, I mean it. I'm gonna win," Trapper told him.
"Can you sires quit horsing around," Klinger spoke up. "Some of us want to start the game."
"Okay doke, let's start," Henry placed down his cards. "I've got three hearts, and two spades."
"Lesse...I've got a Jack, and three of clubs," Hawkeye put down his cards.
"One deuce and two tens," Trapper said plainly before tossing two cards down. "I'll throw two tens onto the table."
"Ah-ha," Klinger placed his cards down. "Pair of threes! Queen, ace, and four."
"Well now, sounds like someone is on the ball tonight," Henry said boredly.
"Looks like our luck has run out," Hawkeye muttered.
"Hold up. Let's see what Radar has," Trapper looked at Radar. "Do you have something good Radar? Or are you short-handed?"
"Hold on. Be patient," Radar was looking through his cards. "And don't call me short."
"How'd you know I called you short," Trapper asked rhetorically.
"Lucky guess," Radar deadpanned in annoyance as he started to draw some more cards from the pile. "Alright, I'm gonna draw and..."
"What Radar? What did you get?" Hawkeye queried.
"Did you get anything of significant value Radar?" Henry asked him.
"Not really," Radar put down his cards and showed them what he got. "Just ace-high. That's all."
"You're kiddin'," Trapper was in disbelief.
"The cards don't lie, Trapper," Hawkeye smirked.
"Well McIntyre, you win a few, you lose a few," Henry shrugged with that sheepish smile on his face.
"I don't believe it," Trapper scoffed. "Since when did you learn how to play poker?"
"I've learnn[t] it from you guys," Radar admitted.
"So I threw away two tens for nothing," Trapper shook his head. "You cheated me out."
"No, I didn't," Radar defended. "You did!"
"Don't think you're going home when the war's over," Trapper complained. "'Cause none of us are leaving Korea till I get even."
"In that case, that means never, right Pokerface?" Hawkeye retorted.
"Okay, let's play another poker game," Henry told them as Radar scooped up all the money and poker chips he earned. "This time, let's play a simple round of Texas Hold 'em."
"Ah, your gonna get the drop on us Tex," Hawkeye asked teasingly. "I'd like a glass of gin."
"On the double," Trapper retorted as he poured a glass for his partner and another one for himself. "Maybe if I drink some too, I might have better luck on this round."
"We'll just see about that," Hawkeye took his glass and started drinking it. "Let's start."
They started by placing down more money in the center, along with drawing more cards and poker chips.
As they were doing that, Frank had entered the Swamp and saw exactly what they were doing. He could believe it. This was like what? The 17th poker game that he's walked into for the past few weeks?
At first, it was passable enough for him to just ignore it. But after a while, it became very irritating for the Major to get back to the Swamp, only to see the guys play some poker, and it was getting old, as of now.
And on top of that, these men didn't know of the regulations or consequences that come with gambling. Or they were aware of that, but just didn't care either way. Frank was done with standing on the sidelines. So he decided to speak up about it with them.
"Are you guys playing poker again?" Frank asked in annoyance.
"No Frank," Hawkeye retorted, taking notice of Frank's tone and trying to mess with him. "We were placing all our bets at an auction."
"Don't get snotty with me Pierce," Frank spat. "This is the 17th night in a row that you guys played poker in the Swamp!"
"Gee Frank, I didn't know that," Trapper rolled his eyes. "We must've lost track of how many games we played in here."
"Cut the act McIntyre," Frank sneered. "I say that this poker game should be brought to a complete halt, on the double!"
"And I say we oppose Frank's request of halting our little poker game," Hawkeye fired back.
"It's not a request Pierce. It's a demand," Frank growled. "An order. Major to Captain. Comprende?"
"Let me get a headcount," Hawkeye looked towards everyone else. "All those in favor of continuing our little poker game, say aye."
"Aye," everyone but Frank chimed in unison, which made the decision official.
"Well Frank, there's your answer," Henry told him. "Alrighty Klinger, what's your hand value?"
"Drats. All I got is a pair," Klinger grunted as he showed his cards.
"Just a minute there! That wasn't a fair vote," Frank yelled. "You all voted against me!"
"It's a tie, one against fifty," Trapper told him sardonically.
"Do you have any idea what this has been doing? All the regulations that are being broken from playing poker like this?" Frank scowled.
"Oh, do tell Frank. We always love to hear them from you, big shot," Hawkeye encouraged.
"Gladly," Frank scoffed. "For starters, common laws about gambling require consideration, chance, and prize. In which legal terms must be analyzed by gaming lawyers within the context of any gaming operation."
"I always considered myself a gaming lawyer," Hawkeye said sarcastically.
"Me too, and I became one just last week," Trapper was also sarcastic with his response.
"I mean really! Does this even meet the requirements!?" Frank demanded.
"Well Frank, for starters, we've been considerate with how the others go about with this game," Trapper said. "Haven't we?"
"Well shucks, you could say that you have," Henry admitted.
"It's helped me win at least 4 poker games in a row," Klinger spoke up.
"Been fair with me too, sir," Radar stated.
"See? We're two very considerate Captains, Frank," Hawkeye told him in a faux-cheery tone.
"What about chance," Frank sneered. "Have you given them a chance at winning?"
"Have we?" Hawkeye asked Trapper.
"I thought you knew," Trapper said.
"I think it's safe to say that we've all been given the chance to win this game," Henry remarked.
"I've got plenty of chances and won," Klinger stated.
"Here here," Radar muttered in agreement.
"See, we give them plenty of chances," said Hawkeye.
"Then there's the prize! Everyone knows you need money to gamble," Frank brought up.
"Not the way I play it," Hawkeye teased with a smirk.
"Well did the winner of these games earn prize money?" Frank questioned.
"Sure, I got $25 out of last night's game," Hawkeye answered.
"I got $75 from winning three games in a row," Henry told him.
"I won a jackpot of $125 sir," Klinger told him.
"And what about you Corporal," Frank looked towards Radar.
"I got $178 so far sir," Radar answered shyly.
"$178? Are you sure?" Frank had to double-check.
"Would the kid lie to anyone?" Trapper countered.
"That leaves you, McIntyre," Frank scowled. "You haven't been earning any money for the prize, haven't you?"
"Well Frank, so far, all this has left me was $130 short of the money that I bet off, but didn't win back or get doubled of what I bet originally," Trapper deadpanned. "So I lost $130 in cash, total."
"Ah-ha. I see," Frank nodded while crossing his arms.
"Frank, there's nothing to get worked up over," Hawkeye said. "It's just a game."
"Yes. A game which is outlawed in several different states of the USA, buster," Frank told him. "Each state has its fair laws in regards to the regulation or prohibition of gambling. They also have a gaming control board established to oversee the regulation of the industry, and while simultaneously banning gambling altogether. It's especially a federal crime if gambling is illegal and is done as a business."
"Let me ask the crowd for an answer," Hawkeye looked towards the others. "Guys, are we gamblings illegally for business?"
"No," they all shook their heads honestly.
"There's your answer Frank."
"Well, I still don't approve of this, Pierce! 17 nights of poker in the Swamp is more than enough for me to handle," Frank howled. "I do not approve of gambling in the slightest!"
"Well, what about you Frank? What about all the bidding that you've done with gambling?" Hawkeye questioned.
"What are you talking about?" Frank was confused.
"You know what he's saying," Trapper retorted. "He's referring to all the investments you bet on."
"I beg your pardon," Frank was shocked by what he heard.
"Do I have to elaborate it with you Needle Nose?" Trapper huffed. "All of the stocks and bonds that you've gotten since you got into this war."
"I'll have you know McIntyre that those weren't gambled, or bidded," Frank protested. "Those were legally earned when I signed up for them. Unlike you bozos, I earn my money legally and not by gambling."
"Yeah right," Hawkeye rolled his eyes. "You probably got it by tax fraud."
"I did no such thing, Pierce," Frank huffed. "That's a lie!"
"Frank, that's quite enough," Henry got him to stop. "We're playing poker for the heck of it, and we are having a good time. No need to go 'by the book' in regards to how we should and shouldn't gamble. We are absotively sure that we aren't doing illegal gambling. So just give it a rest."
"Alright Colonel, if that's the way you want it," Frank backed away a few feet. "I'm gonna consult with someone about this. Someone who might be an expert when it comes to this sort of thing."
"While your at it Frank, be sure to tell Nurse Baker that she owes me $25 from the money she borrowed," Hawkeye requested.
"Nurse Able owes me $40 countin'," Trapper added.
"Oh, go soak your heads," Frank snorted as he walked out the door and stormed off.
"Gee whiz. Major Burns's upset," Radar grimaced. "Sounds like he's been bankrupted."
"Eh, he'll get over it," Klinger shrugged casually. "It happens to everyone."
"Anywho, I'm just about covered with my cards," Henry said. "Anyone here feels like they'll bring in the dough tonight?"
"I dunno," Hawkeye placed his cards down to show everyone. "I got a flush."
"Lucky shot. I only got three of a kind," Trapper showed them his cards.
"My money is on the full house," Klinger told them, putting his cards down too.
"Four o' a kind's what I got, sir," Radar showed them the cards.
"Well, ain't this swell guys," Henry put his cards down. "I got a royal flush."
"Terrific. Congratulations Henry," Hawkeye said sarcastically. "Any idea what your gonna do with that money?"
"Welp, for starters, I might save enough for those cheques that Lorraine keeps sending me," Henry scooped up all the money from the center. "And for that matter, I'll be willing to place a bet for several more dollars."
"At least your putting your money where your mouth is," Trapper retorted cynically.
"How about another one, double or nothing?" Hawkeye suggested.
"Certainly. My cards are on the table," Henry obliged. "Let's do this again."
None of them argued at all, as they played another game together. The stakes were rising the more they continued to gamble at a simple game of poker...
IN FATHER MULCAHY'S TENT - 19:58
"Why certainly. Of course," Father Mulcahy said to Frank who wanted to talk with him. "Come right in Major."
"Thank you, Father," Frank entered the tent and sat down in one of the chairs, with the Father sitting in the other one. "Father? I need to talk to you about something."
"Well, uhhh, that's quite alright, I suppose," Father Mulcahy said shyly. "Now, what would you like to talk with me about tonight?"
"It's about gambling," Frank got to the point after taking a deep breath. "I need to know something from you that relates to gambling."
"Well, uhhh...no one's brought this up to my attention before," Mulcahy said. "Uhhh...that depends Major. What do you want to ask me about gambling?"
"It's this Father," Frank came straight out and asked him. "In regards to catholicism, and their views on gamblings, do Catholics in any way, consider gambling such as poker to be a sinful act?"
Father Mulcahy had a very thoughtful look on his face as he took a moment to think of an appropriate answer. He had to admit, no one has ever asked him about gambling in terms of how Catholics view it and if it was amoral or not. To have someone like Frank bring that up with him came as a large surprise to him.
Eventually, Father Mulcahy decided to give him an answer to his question. "Well Major, that is a peculiar question you ask me. And if you want an honest answer, I'll have to say that for the most part, Catholics don't see gambling as entirely sinful of the sort."
"Alright Father, but what are their moral impediments on gambling?" Frank asked.
"They have none. The Catholic Church holds the position that there is no moral impediment to gambling," the Father explained. "So long as it is fair, all bettors have a reasonable chance of winning, there is no fraud involved, and the parties involved do not have actual knowledge of the outcome of the bet. Unless of course, they have disclosed this knowledge."
"That's what the guys in the Swamp said," Frank brought up.
"Oh. Well, I see," Father Mulcahy cleared his throat. "Well, in any case, it's not a problem as long as the following conditions are met."
"What would they be?" Frank queried.
"The gambler can afford to lose the bet, and stops when the limit is reached," Mulcahy told him. "And the motivation is entertainment and not personal gain leading to the 'love-of-money', or making a living, as I put it."
"That's what those guys down at the Swamp said, and I find it hard to believe," Frank scoffed. "Especially with people like Pierce and McIntyre."
"Well, I see, Major. But it shouldn't be too much of a worry," Mulcahy told him. "In general, Catholic bishops have opposed gambling such as playing poker, because it too often tempts people into problem gambling or addiction, and has particularly negative effects on poor people. And those are active only in the states. They also cite secondary effects such as increases in loan sharking, prostitution, corruption, and general public immorality."
"I see," Frank mused. "That's it, huh?"
"Well, from my perspective, yes Major," Father Mulcahy cleared his throat. "Then again, I only play poker in moderation. I very much prefer people to play bingo in the mess tent since the Catholic Church I went to in Philadelphia always had these weekly church bingo games."
"How interesting Father," Franked rubbed his chin, or what was of it. "Anything else?"
"Why yes. Now that you mention it, there is," the Chaplin decided to share. "The Church I went to back at home also had these annual festivals, where gambling games such as blackjack, roulette, craps, and poker were played. But it was done for fundraising purposes for the orphans back home. If they did that here in Korea, I'd make sure that all the funds made from these gambles were also donated to the orphanage and all the children that are staying there."
"Well, I guess that's something," Frank frowned. He didn't exactly get what he wanted out of this, but he wasn't going to complain in front of the priest. "Father, I'm glad that we had this discussion."
"Me too Major," Father Mulcahy smiled sheepishly. "By the way, it would be advisable to inform you that gambling has also had been seen as having social consequences amongst some souls, depending on who they are, as satirized by French novelist and playwriter; Honoré de Balzac."
"Well, I guess it was nice to chat with you Father," Frank stood up. "You certainly were a lot of help."
"Why thank you. I'm glad that our chat was helpful," Father Mulcahy said. "Do stop by again if there's anything else that you want to discuss with me."
"I'll uhhh...keep that in mind Father," Frank tugged on his collar as he walked over to open the door. "Have a good night."
"Yeah. Same to you Major," Father Mulcahy said sheepishly.
With that, Frank walked out and closed the door behind him before storming off.
Oh, dear. Father Mulcahy shook his head. I do hope he knows what he's doing. But I'm not going to get involved in it either way.
With that, the Father went back to reading his bible in peace. He did nothing else for the remainder of the night...
Meanwhile, Frank was pretty upset, as he was strolling through the compound, kicking a trash can or two that he passed by. He couldn't believe it. Was there any way of getting those guys in the Swamp to quit playing poker? After 17 consecutive nights of poker, they should be sick of it by now. But that wasn't the case. Frank couldn't do anything about it. And he knew that too.
As it may be, Frank's little fit didn't go unnoticed, as Andrew, who was sitting in a chair outside of his tent, witnessed this. Frank didn't notice Andrew sitting there until he got his attention.
"Hey Frank?! What's the matter," Andrew hollered out to him. "You look like you've got ants in your pants!"
"More like gamblers, Major," Frank scoffed as he approached him. "And what are you doing out here?"
"Well, it's nice out tonight, so I decided to sit outside. Read a little bit of 1984 while I'm at it," Andrew answered casually. "What are you doing out here? Shouldn't you be back in the Swamp?"
"I would, but it's being used for gambling purposes," Frank retorted in irritation.
"The guys are playing poker again, huh?" Andrew took a simple guess.
Frank didn't say a word. All he did was give a disgusted scowl and nod, confirming that the guys were playing poker in the Swamp.
"That's what I thought," Andrew pinched the bridge of his nose after closing his book and placing it onto his lap. "Seventeen nights in a row they've played poker this time of night."
"Yeah," Frank wasn't happy about being reminded about that fact. "And to think I tried telling them the regulations that involve gambling."
"I was thinking more about the consequences of gambling," Andrew remarked. "Like gambling fixation and whatnot."
"Gambling fixation. Yeah right," Frank huffed.
"I'm being serious Frank," Andrew told him matter-of-factly. "Gambling fixation is a very serious issue. Not only do you eventually lose all of your money as a result, but you also feel dependent on gambling in general. It's not pretty."
"That's why I think gambling should be banned from this compound!" Frank proclaimed.
"Well Frank, I hate to tell you this, but you can't do a whole hell of a lot to ban gambling from this compound," Andrew informed. "But I'll tell you what though. We can go to the Swamp and I can try to inform them the consequences of gambling 17 days in a row."
"But they wouldn't listen to me when I talked to them," Frank complained. "What makes you think they'll listen to you?"
"Trust me, Frank, I'm a reasonable man," Andrew told him calmly. "And if I have to, I'll make them listen to me, whether they want to or not."
"Fair enough," Frank didn't argue with him. "Shall we get to the Swamp, Major Andrew Peterson?"
"Whenever you are Frank," Andrew said standing up and putting his book away. "Let's get this done and over with."
Nothing else was said between the two Majors as they both headed for the Swamp, where the poker game was taking place currently. They were going to find out how fixated they were with the poker game and gambling soon enough...
BACK IN THE SWAMP - 20:18
"Ah-ha! Full House!" Klinger showed the guys what he got for cards and grinned. "Read em and weep, boys."
"Ah, rats," Henry grunted, slamming his stack of cards onto the table. "I only got three of a kind."
"I'm in," Radar muttered as Klinger took the money that was placed down.
"Me too," Trapper remarked, throwing some more poker chips onto the table.
"I wonder what the chances are of my getting the fifth Jack?" Hawkeye wondered as he put a couple more poker chips onto the table along with 2 more dollar bills.
"Don't count your pennies so soon," Trapper told him confidentially.
"Trust me, Trapper, I haven't," Hawkeye said. "After all, it's nothing to worry about."
"Can we play again, please," Radar asked impatiently. "I'm $15 still left to gamble."
"I've got $27 currently," Henry commented. "Still wish we went with playing seven-card stud."
"Hey, are we going to play cards, or chew the fat," Hawkeye asked rhetorically.
"If I wanted to chew the fat, I would've eaten the junk in the mess tent," Trapper retorted sarcastically.
"Alrighty," Henry put down some more poker chips. "Double-or-nothing?"
"I say we double it," Klinger remarked as he put his poker chips onto the center of the table.
"Very well. Here we go," Henry then allowed the next poker game to get underway.
However, right as the game was getting underway again, the door opened. Entering the Swamp was Frank and Andrew, as they walked in on the middle of it.
"Here they are, Major," Frank motioned him to the table. "Playing poker, just like I said."
"Well, you guys are playing poker again," Andrew got their attention.
"Hey, Andrew. So nice of you to drop by," Hawkeye greeted. "Did you come to gamble too?"
"Uh, no thanks. I'm not here to gamble," Andrew held his hands up before getting to the point. "I'm 'actually' here on account that you guys have been playing poker for seventeen nights in a row."
"Well, can you blame us, Andrew?" Trapper gave him a look. "We're trying to earn our money's worth."
"I can see that," Andrew pinched his nose. "But did it ever occur to you guys that you might be feeling the negative effects of playing poker too much since it is a type of gambling game?"
"Not that we know of Major," Klinger shrugged. "We've been under the sun for too long."
"More like under the gambling table," Andrew deadpanned as he rolled his eyes. "Moreover, you guys have been very fixated with playing poker that you never want to stop."
"Was it that obvious Andrew?" Hawkeye queried.
"Yes. Yes, it was, Pierce," Andrew retorted. "So, I should warn you of all the symptoms that show you are fixated with playing poker."
"Well, lay it on us Major," Henry encouraged as they started playing. "We'll try to pay attention while we play another game of poker."
"Fine," Andrew sighed before he started listing them out. "The first sign of this would be your need to gamble with increasing amounts of money. Which you want to do to get the desired amount of excitement from it."
"Hey, by the way, guys, I want us to bet off as much money as possible combined," Captain Pierce commented. " The more money that I win out of this one, the more excited I'll be."
"That's what I figured," Andrew moaned. "You will also feel restless or irritable when attempting to cut down or stop gambling, if only because you want the money that you lost out."
"Hey Radar, can you stop checking your cards and draw," Captain McIntyre yelled impatiently. "I want to get back all the money I lost in this dealing. And I can't if your wasting time checking your cards!"
"Alright, sir! Be patient!" Radar yelled in defense.
"Uh-huh. Just as I expected," Andrew moved on. "You would have also made repeated efforts to step out, but you were unsuccessful."
"Hey guys, I would like to back out of this game," Corporal Klinger admitted.
"So what's stopping you?" Hawkeye wondered.
"I just can't do it," Klinger complained. "I'm getting my money's worth from this, so I just gotta keep playing!"
"Right," Andrew rolled his eyes. "You would also be too preoccupied with playing poker that you aren't paying attention to anything else."
"I'm sorry Major, did you say something?" Colonel Blake asked. "I'm too focused on all the past poker games that I've played here at the 4077th and back in Bloomington that I didn't hear what you're saying."
"Never mind Colonel. You just answered my question," Andrew deadpanned. "Anyway, you would often gamble when feeling distressed about something."
"You know sirs? I've been stressed lately," Radar told them. "Been handling reports, forms, and whatnot. Left me anxious and helpless."
"You also feel guilt and depressed, don't you Radar," Hawkeye asked teasingly.
"Not exactly, Hawkeye," Radar defended.
"Yeah," Andrew had to pinch his nose. "After you lose all of your gambling money, you declare to return tomorrow to get even with everyone who robbed you of every cent you gambled away."
"Ah-ha! I win again," Klinger declared.
"Drats! And I lost every penny I had left," Trapper gripped as he slammed his cards down. "Just wait, tomorrow we'll have another game so I can get even with all of you cheaters for robbing me of my money."
"To say that you can get anymore money at all," Andrew slammed his face with his palm. "You would lie to conceal the extent of involvement with gambling."
"Hey folks, is everyone here feeling involved with this poker game or what?" Henry asked.
"I feel that I could go for 20 more poker games for 20 more nights," Hawkeye lied, feeling like he can't stop, no matter how much he wants to.
"You jeopardized or lost a significant relationship, or whatever thanks to gambling," Andrew remarked.
"Hey Hawk, didn't we have a date with a pretty little nurse tonight," Trapper asked.
"I dunno," Hawkeye muttered. "I must've lost track of time with this poker game."
"Drats! I remembered that I had this date with a cute nurse tonight," Trapper grunted. "But it was put off thanks to this poker game!"
"Damn! I had a date tonight too," Hawkeye tossed his cards down. "This damn poker game ruined everything."
"Just as I thought it would," Andrew retorted. "And finally, you have to rely on your colleagues to provide you money as a need to relief desperate situations caused by gambling."
"Hey Hawk, mind if I borrow let's say...$100," Trapper asked a favor from him. "I'll pay you back when it's payday again."
"What, and allow you to bet off the money that I'd give you for nothing? Forget it Trap," Hawkeye huffed. "There's no way I'm giving you a penny. Besides, I don't have $100 on hand right now anyway?"
"What about the rest of you?" Trapper queried desperately.
"I don't even have a fifty-dollar bill on hand, McIntyre," Klinger said dully.
"I have to save my money for my financial situation," Henry told him. "My wife might need it for whatever bills she has to pay now."
"Sorry, sir. Don't have it," Radar mumbled.
"Damn! What about you Andrew," Trapper turned to Andrew. "Would you help a friend out?"
"Sorry, McIntyre. It's not going to happen," Andrew shook his head. "Even then, this here proves that you guys are addicted to playing poker."
"Alright Andrew, so we did get carried away with gambling," Hawkeye told him. "But you know about the war and how it leaves us feeling worn out?"
"Isn't that what the still is for," Andrew queried.
"Yes, but that only relieves part of it," Hawkeye remarked. "Playing poker helps with making us forget about all the horrors that the war has brought us, like how we're all stranded in Korea."
"It's something that I have to wonder about every day," Trapper muttered.
"That tears it! The Major has proved that you all are obsessed with playing poker," Frank hollered. "I hereby declare this poker game be officially over, effective immediately!"
"Nothing to it Frank," Hawkeye fired back. "You can give us your declaration of being against gambling when we're finished playing poker."
"Yeah. You heard him," Trapper agreed. "Sides, I gotta get my money back."
"How McIntyre?" Andrew needed to point out. "You drained your pockets of every cent and dollar that you had."
"Look Majors, I'll have you know that payday is tomorrow anyway, so it should be all squared away by then," Henry informed them. "So in the meantime, just relax."
"Alright, but don't say I didn't warn you when I said that this can often escalate to desperate measures," Andrew issued one last warning. "You'll all be sorry about this."
"Of course we will Andrew," Hawkeye brushed it off. "Now lay off and let us continue this poker game without anymore disruptions."
They started to play another poker game, which got Andrew to huff and gave them an annoyed look. Turning around, Andrew stormed out of the Swamp. Frank scowled them as he too stormed out of the Swamp if only to be away from their poker game. Once they were gone, the guys were relieved that they could play again in peace.
"Wow. I thought they'd never leave," Hawkeye moaned. "Now how about another poker game? Triple-or-nothing?"
"I hardly got a penny as it is," Trapper murmured. "I'm out."
"Welp, I'm in once again," Henry said.
"Me too," Radar agreed.
"Same here," Klinger told them.
"Right. Let's play again," Hawkeye announced.
Except for Trapper, the guys went to play another poker game, despite the warnings that Andrew gave to them in regards to being attached to the concept of gambling and by extent, playing poker. They were going to find out the hard way soon enough. There was no doubt about that...
IN THE MESS TENT - 7:36
It was a new morning at the M*A*S*H 4077. In the mess tent, everyone was either getting their breakfast by waiting in line, or they were sitting at a table, having gotten their breakfast already. Sitting at one of the tables by herself was Margaret Houlihan, who was cladding her black turtleneck long sleeve shirt that she wears frequently.
She was just eating her breakfast or attempting to do so when Andrew approached the table with his tray of breakfast and got her attention.
"Hello there Major Houlihan," Andrew greeted her.
"Why hello Major Peterson," Margaret returned the greeting. "Nice morning we're having, isn't it?"
"Well, you can say that," Andrew said sheepishly. "Anyway, mind if I join you at this table so we can eat our breakfast together, Margaret?"
"Sure. Help yourself, Andrew," Margaret patted the seat next to her for Andrew to sit in.
Then just as expected, Andrew sat right next to Margaret as he got comfortable while eating his breakfast with his lady.
"So tell me, how are you feeling today?" Margaret felt like asking him.
"Alright, I suppose," Andrew answered. "How are you feeling, my dear?"
"Terrific. Just terrific darling," Margaret gleamed. "I couldn't think of a better morning than having breakfast with my big strong man."
"I know the feeling," Andrew blushed. "I'm happy that we're having breakfast together too, dollface."
This got Margaret to giggle softly before pecking Andrew on the cheek. "You are a lucky man and a dreamboat, Andrew. I guess that's why I love you so much."
"It would also explain why I love you so much too," Andrew smiled dreamily at her.
Margaret reacted by giving him a similarly dreamy-looking face. Nothing else was said as they ate their breakfast and sipped their coffee, occasionally passing flirtatious stares at each other, along with Margaret rubbing Andrew's knee with her hand, which nobody could see since it was happening under the table. They were happy to have privacy to themselves.
Sadly, this moment had come to an end when Hawkeye, Trapper, and Henry came over with their trays, intending to join the lovely couple for breakfast.
"Hello, hello, hello," Hawkeye greeted. "Mind if we join you at this table for some breakfast?"
"It's not gonna cost us a dime, is it," Trapper queried dryly. "Because I'm short on cash."
"Oh no. Please help yourselves," Andrew encouraged sardonically, still a little upset about what happened last night with them. "Plenty of seats available."
Despite the sarcasm, they took that as a proper invitation anyway. As such, they sat down in the seats across from the seats that Andrew and Margaret were sitting at. Silence plagued the table for a few moments or so. Then Henry decided to break the ice.
"Welp, that sure was some crazy game we had last night, wasn't it guys?" Henry queried with fake enthusiasm.
"Yeah, if you were the one who won some money out of it," Hawkeye deadpanned.
"Don't remind me," Trapper grunted. "I'm still upset at how I got bankrupted from that poker game."
"You guys were playing poker again," Margaret asked in annoyance. "How many nights has it been?"
"Seventeen nights in a row," Andrew moaned, covering his eyes with his hands.
"And tonight, once I get my pay from payday, we're gonna play for the eighteenth night," Trapper retorted. "If only to get even with all of you for leaving me short."
"Just be sure that you don't leave Radar short," Hawkeye advised him.
"You know he'd be upset if heard you say that," Andrew uncovered his eyes with a look of annoyance. "Radar wouldn't be pleased with that insult."
"What makes you think we were making fun of Radar's height," Hawkeye asked rhetorically.
"I just do," Andrew deadpanned as Frank entered the mess tent. "In any case, you guys should put a stop to this gambling business and call it quits with the poker games."
"Not until I get all my money back that I wasted in the previous poker games that I've played in," Trapper was being defiant.
"Hmph. Seems to me that you heathens are still focused on those poker games," Frank scoffed, getting their attention.
"Frank, how would you like us to rip out your tongue and use it to deal out the cards for tonight's game," Hawkeye threatened him.
"Your threats fall short with me, Pierce," Frank snorted. "In any case, you guys are fixated on gambling, just like Major Peterson told you last night."
"You mean that boring lecture that he tried to give us," Hawkeye wondered. "If it wasn't for the poker game, I would've gone to sleep upon listening to it."
"Excuse me? I'll have you know that it was not boring. And it was for your 'own' benefit," Andrew scoffed, sounding offended. "You guys have been playing poker for 17 nights now."
"And tonight will make it 18." Trapper interrupted him.
"Right. Thanks for interrupting me McIntyre," Andrew deadpanned sarcastically. "You guys are going to get into a rut soon. So I suggest you guys stop with the constant poker games night after night."
"We'd love to Andrew, but our financial adviser has informed us that we shouldn't have anything to worry about," Hawkeye retorted. "So we're gonna keep playing poker as we please."
"And what about you McIntyre," Andrew turned to face Trapper. "You lost every penny last night from so much gambling."
"You know, that reminds me, Andrew, there's someone else that I can ask for money," Trapper said before he looked towards Frank. "Hey Frank, how about you loan me a couple of bucks from your war bonds for the poker game tonight?"
"Fat chance," Frank refused to do so. "You won't be getting any of my money from my war bonds."
"How about if I gave you a nose job with my fist," Trapper threatened. "Then you can donate any blood that comes out of your nose to a blood bank."
"Not gonna happen buster," Frank crossed his arms. "You aren't getting anything from me."
"Frankly, if you ask me, I think your little poker games are ridiculous," Margaret spoke up. "I don't approve of gambling, to be honest."
"How about you Margaret," Trapper begged with a flirtatious expression. "Would you loan me some money?"
"'Absolutely' not," Margaret shook her head. "I will not give you any cash so you could do who-knows-what with it, and waste it on something childish and juvenile. Like those poker games you've been playing."
"What if I kiss you on the mouth, Hot Lips," Trapper wondered.
"Knock it off. She said no," Andrew stepped in. "So just give it a rest."
"And 'sides, today being payday and all, we should all be fortunate that we'll be getting our payment at the ol' four-oh seventy-seven," Henry said.
"I know I've been fortunate about making a fortune out of this," Hawkeye quirked.
"That makes two of us," Trapper agreed as Radar entered the mess tent. "Especially when I get back what I earned tonight."
"With the amount of luck you've been having, I wouldn't count on it," Hawkeye said. "In any case, anything can happen."
"'Cuse me? Colonel Blake, sir?" Radar approached their table and got their attention. "Colonel Blake? I gotta tell ya somethin'."
"Well what is it Radar," Henry wondered. "Any forms for me to sign?"
"No sir," Radar shook his head. "Something else."
"Any casualties on the way?" Henry asked.
"Worse sir. That is, it's not good," Radar remarked. "Got some bad news that I need to share with you."
"Well alrighty then Radar," Henry looked at him. "Tell me what the problem is, and I'm more than certain that it can be resolved."
"Well sir, it's..." Radar leaned over to Henry's ear and started whispering the bad news that he had to tell him, so no one else could hear him.
Needless to say, Henry wasn't happy with what Radar just revealed to him.
"What do you mean there's no pay this week?" Henry blurted that question out loud, resulting in everyone giving collective gasps that sounded horrified.
"No pay," Trapper queried. "What's going on?!"
"Well-" Radar started, but Henry decided to interject.
"Oh never mind that part Radar," Henry told him. "Just spit out exactly what went wrong."
"Right sir," Radar cleared his throat and revealed to everyone. "Headquarters in Tokyo fouled up, and sent our pay to a bakery unit in Guam."
"I hope that unit gets baked from being in the sun," Hawkeye retorted.
"It's gonna take at least a week to straighten it all out," Radar announced, ignoring Hawkeye's comment entirely. "Till then, we're short on cash."
"Oh for goodness sake," Andrew pinched his nose. "So that means we're not getting any cash this week."
"That's just great," Trapper yelled exasperatedly. "Not only am I short on cash, but now somethin' went wrong in HQ and we aren't getting paid this week."
Everyone else has started complaining about how this week was not going to have a payday for any of them. Henry had Radar get them to calm down and zip it.
"Alrighty. I'm pretty sure all of us are shaken up by this revelation. But there's no need to get all riled up over it," Henry told them before asking Radar. "Radar, how much money do we have leftover currently?"
"Only $12 sir," Radar answered calmly and shamefully.
"Very well. Just split up that $12 with whichever enlisted man claims it first," Henry issued to everyone. "And in the meantime, we'll have to conserve whatever cash we have on hand at the moment."
"Well, so much for wanting to play poker tonight," Trapper groaned as Radar left the mess tent. "How am I gonna get my money back now?"
"Maybe you can try to be patient until the pay from HQ does show up," Andrew suggested calmly.
"Maybe we don't have to," Hawkeye rubbed his chin. "There may be another way around this money shortage."
"What are you getting at Hawk?" Trapper asked him with an incredulous look.
"Who says we have to play poker with money Trap?" Hawkeye stated. "I mean we can try betting something else in poker instead."
"Oh Pierce, I know that tone. You have a scheme in mind...that I'll find myself getting wrapped up in when I have to sign some papers," Henry stated. "Is that right?"
"Sure Henry. What else could it be?" Hawkeye shrugged. "A message from the Pentagon informing us that our time and work in South Korea has been wasted?"
"I can already see the regulations and rules being broken from this amoral scheme that you're coming up with," Frank scowled. "And you won't get away with it."
"Frank, why don't you take your American regulations, wrap them up into the American flag, and toss them," Hawkeye told him in annoyance.
"I can already see things going wrong with this," Andrew covered his face once again.
"Nonsense Andrew," Hawkeye said. "It's gonna work as I plan it to."
"Well, let's hear it, man," Henry encouraged. "What is this plan that you got that I'll eventually have tattooed to my forehead?"
"Well Henry, I'll tell you outside of the mess tent. You too Trap," Hawkeye stood up and encouraged them to stand up too.
"Gee, this ought to be good," Trapper rolled his eyes. "Let's hope that this'll help me strike gold."
"With this plan, I wouldn't be surprised if you strike all the gold from Fort Knox," Hawkeye escorted Trapper and Henry out of the mess tent. "Now here's how it's going to go."
The Majors were unable to hear Hawkeye since he left the mess tent with Trapper and Henry. As Andrew and Margaret were thinking about what he was implying, Frank looked pretty offended by what Hawkeye just said about Fort Knox.
"Hmph! The nerve of that guy," Frank huffed. "Who does he think he is? Thinking that they can strike all the gold from Fort Knox. The gall."
"Never mind that Frank," Andrew said, getting them back on topic. "What do you suppose they have in mind?"
"I dunno," Margaret shrugged. "But knowing those two captains, it must be something sneaky and fiendish."
"Don't we know it," Andrew muttered.
"I say that we should keep those crumbs under constant surveillance," Frank insisted. "That'll show them that we can't let them get away with whatever pervertic scheme they're coming up with now."
"Well, we can worry about that later," Andrew suggested. "For now, we better enjoy our breakfast and get through whatever today might bring us."
"Yeah, we probably should Andrew," Margaret agreed. "Let's just focus on what we need to do today."
"Right," Frank said with a sigh.
They didn't say anything else as Frank went in line to get his breakfast while Andrew and Margaret finished up their breakfast alone. They had no idea what tonight was going to bring them, coming straight from the Swamp...
IN ANDREW'S TENT - 19:32
It was nighttime once again at the 4077th. And in Andrew's tent, we see the Major on another one of his rendezvous with Margaret, as they were shown inside the tent, kissing mouth to mouth.
Just like every other night they kissed since they became a couple, it was a delightful sight to see. They had cupped each other's cheeks with their hands while they kissed away, as a way to make it look more romantic and mushy. They were heard muffling through the kiss.
"Mmmmmmm..." they moaned in pleasure together before they eventually separated their lips apart and looked at each other lustfully.
"Oh Margaret," Andrew said seductively. "I'm on fire right now."
"Me too Andrew," Margaret grinned, showing off those pretty white teeth of hers. "Want me to put it out for you?"
"That would help," Andrew smiled while showing off his teeth. "I love you so much buttercup."
"I love you too honey," Margaret muttered lovingly. "Let's share our love for each other again darling."
"You know it dear," Andrew smirked suggestively. "Let's kiss."
From there, they started kissing again, in a more passionate manner this time, while also embracing one another while standing up. They stayed in that position for several minutes or so. The kiss came to a halt when a knock was heard at the door, causing them to separate their lips.
"Who is it?" They both queried simultaneously.
"It's me, Major Burns," Frank's voice was heard. "Can I come in for just a minute?"
"Uh, of course, Frank," Andrew stuttered. "Come on in."
Frank entered the tent just in time to see that Andrew and Margaret separated from their embrace. Disregarding that, Frank got down to business as to what he had to tell the Majors.
"Major Peterson, Major Houlihan," he started. "I got to talk with you two about something."
"Alright," Andrew said casually. "What is it, Frank?"
"Frank, is there something wrong?" Margaret asked with a hint of concern in her voice.
"Yes. There is something wrong," Frank took a deep breath before speaking. "Margaret, Andrew, it's the Swamp. Something terrible is happening at the Swamp."
Andrew had to let out a heavy sigh at that. "They're playing poker again, aren't they?"
"Well, when you put it that way Major, uh, yes," Frank admitted. "They're playing poker again."
"Oh for crying out loud," Andrew groaned. "18 nights in a row. And this time, we don't have any pay to gamble with."
"That's the least of our problems," Frank huffed. "You should see what type of poker they're playing."
"This isn't going to be good," Margaret shook her head, already feeling some dread from this. "What kind of poker are they playing, Frank?"
"I uhhh...think it's better if I show you," Frank insisted. "Come with me to the Swamp to see for yourself."
"Well alright Frank," Andrew sighed. "I'm already dreading this, but let's see what kind of poker they're playing."
"No kidding there Andrew," Margaret agreed. "Let's get this done and over with."
"Alright. Now just follow me," Frank motioned them as he walked out the door. "You'll see what those degenerates are doing."
Without saying anything else, they followed Frank back to the Swamp. Andrew and Margaret were going to be in for a big shocker when they see what's in there that's gotten Frank all tensed up...
BACK IN THE SWAMP - 19:38
It was clear that a poker game was taking place in the Swamp. However, they weren't gambling with money. Instead, they were gambling with other people's belongings, all of which were placed in the center of the table where the money would be.
Aside from that, it was revealed that everyone sitting around the table was stripped of everything but their underwear, including a rather reluctant Radar, who wasn't comfortable with stripping his clothes off, leaving him in nothing but his boxer shorts.
He was in the same setup as Hawkeye, Trapper, Henry, and Klinger. In Klinger's case, he was only in his bloomers as his chest, arms and legs showed off a good amount of Lebanese hair. But none of them were complaining.
As for the stuff they were bidding, it consisted of several personal belongings. The gin still. Henry's fishing bucket hat and his University of Illinois Letter sweater. Klinger's favorite Scarlett O'Hara and Shirley Temple outfits and dresses. Radar's jeep cap and teddy bear. The picture frame that goes around Frank's photo of his mother. Margaret's hairbrush. The bible belonged to Father Mulcahy. Andrew's copy of his Animal Farm novel. And last but not least, Trapper's watch.
It would seem that they went on a little caper to swipe some of the other stuff that wasn't theirs, as a desperate means to play poker and make some money somehow. In Trapper's case, he was especially desperate with wanting to get back the money that he wasted from so much gambling and playing nothing but poker games.
The game was going by smoothly until the door slammed open, with Frank entering the Swamp first, with an angry look on his face.
"There! See that!?" Frank howled, pointing to the sight before him. "Take a look at what they're doing!"
"Alright you guys, what type of poker are you playing this-" Andrew had to stop short when he saw that they were in their underwear only. "HOLY SMOKES! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING IN NOTHING BUT YOUR UNDERWEAR!?"
"Sickening animals," Margaret yelped in disgust as she furrowed her eyebrows. "You creeps are a bunch of sickos. That's what you are."
"Well, you can't just waltz on in, right in the middle of it," Hawkeye retorted.
"Okay," Andrew had to pinch the bridge of his nose. "Just what do you guys think you're doing in nothing but your underwear?"
"Well we were thinking about playing strip poker," Hawkeye told him dully. "But our clothes didn't fit the table, so we took them off. We always want to play poker in our undies."
"It's good for the skin," Trapper said sarcastically.
"Yeah right," Andrew grumbled. "But aside from that, what kind of poker are you playing since we don't have any money available to bet off?"
"Well Andrew, rather than play poker for money," Hawkeye exclaimed. "We decided to use other people's belongings."
"What belongings? What are you talking about?" Andrew raised an eyebrow.
"Take a look for yourself, Andrew," Trapper motioned him to the stuff in the center. "This stuff could earn us some big money for whoever wins this poker game."
"Huh," Andrew looked at the stuff. "You took apart your still to use for bets?"
"Not to worry Andrew. We dismantled it correctly," Hawkeye told him coolly. "Besides, we still have some gin leftover."
Colonel? Your bucket hat and University of Illinois Letter sweater?" Andrew gasped. "You're bidding your favorite sweater and hat off?"
"Well shucks Major, it's the only thing that I could use for bidding," Henry told him. "Besides, these two captains talked me into it, so I accepted."
"I see," Andrew moaned. "Klinger, your wagering off your favorite Scarlett O'Hara dress and Shirley Temple dress? Those were just two of the many Section 8 material that you have! Why give it up?"
"Major, if I win this poker game, I can always take them back," Klinger told him. "And even if I don't win, I have enough money to buy a couple of new ones."
"Sure you will," Andrew wasn't convinced. "Radar!? Not only are you bidding your jeep hat, but you're betting off your teddy bear too? That teddy bear is your prized possession! Why are you parting with it!?"
"I didn't! The Captains made me do it!" Radar cried in defense. "They blackmailed me into it!"
"Right," Andrew growled in annoyance at that. "And what about that picture frame? Who did you rob that from?"
"First off Andrew, rob is a strong word. We prefer to use the word pilfer," Hawkeye told him. "And second off, it came straight off the photo of Frank's mother."
"That 'really' does cut me to the quick," Frank sneered. "I knew you bozos were degenerates, but this act tops them all! You stole that from me! What else did you steal? My razors again?"
"Frank, we wouldn't dare steal your razors a second time," Trapper huffed. "Even if we did, we'd put them to better use."
"Like plow them into the ground, or even better, use them to rake the weeds outside." Hawkeye snorted.
"It doesn't matter if it's for gambling, you still stole it," Andrew groaned. "And who's hairbrush does that belong to?"
"Margaret," Hawkeye said plainly.
"Who else," Trapper added.
"My hairbrush!" Margaret let out a shrill screech. "That's my hairbrush, you fiends! My father gave it to me, and you stole it!"
"Hey, we're desperate," Trapper shrugged casually. "Desperate times call for desperate measures."
"Sure they do," Andrew hissed. "Is that Father Mulcahy's bible that you swiped from him?"
"Who else owns a bible in this camp," Hawkeye retorted. "Besides Franks's."
"I can't believe it! You stole from the Father too!?" Andrew was getting agitated.
"No. We're borrowing it from him," Hawkeye defended. "We left him an IOU and everything."
"We'll return it the first chance we get," Trapper added to his defense.
"I'll bet," Andrew spat sarcastically. "Hey! That's my copy of the Animal Farm novel that I brought with me when I came to Korea! What's that doing there!? You stole from me too!?"
"Well Andrew, you weren't reading it," Hawkeye said. "So we thought you wouldn't mind."
"Like Hell I don't. What makes you think I didn't mind," Andrew snarled. "That is not to be used for bidding, just like the rest of the junk you stole from everyone else."
"Andrew, if it makes you happy, I even bidded my watch for this poker game," Trapper pointed to his watch.
"Unbelievable..." Andrew pinched the bridge of his nose. "This is [absolutely] unacceptable! And I thought the instance you stole all those guns was infuriating!"
"Colonel Blake, I'd like to hear your explanation for all this," Margaret gave Henry a cross expression.
"Well gee whiz Major, we're desperate for playing a simple game of poker," Henry explained in irritation. "And truth be told since we didn't have any money to gamble with, we had to come up with something else to bid. And so...I didn't stop Pierce and McIntyre from doing what they did."
"Typical," Frank grunted. "Just what I expected from the C.O. who doesn't have any backbone to maintain some discipline. Then maybe these thefts wouldn't have happened."
"All thanks to the gambling addiction," Andrew glared at the two captains. "You two are lucky that I'm a fair-minded and reasonable adult. Otherwise, I could press charges against you and have you court-martialed."
"Speaking of which," Margaret spoke up. "The court-martial forms, Colonel? Where can I find them?"
"Oh for crooning out loud," Henry moaned. "Do we have to court-martial them?"
"They stole all our goods, and let this gambling fest get to their heads," Frank spoke up sternly. "Therefore, they are guilty and deserve to be thrown into the stockade."
"Good grief," Henry covered his eyes with his hands. "That's the last thing I want to deal with right now."
"Well Colonel, this is outrageous!" Andrew yelled angrily, having reached his limit before he called them out. "I told you guys about the consequences that come with gambling nonstop! Not only did you disregard my advice, but you let it get to the point where you thought you could steal people's stuff and use them for gambling purposes! What's that supposed to prove!? That you guys let it get to your heads! That's what!"
"You tell them, Andrew," Margaret supported him with that calm but haughty smirk on her face.
"Thank you, Margaret," Andrew thanked her for the support before taking a deep breath to calm down. "Well, seeing that I want to settle this diplomatically, there's only one thing for me to do."
"And what would that be?" Hawkeye raised an eyebrow.
"I'm gonna have to play this round of poker," Andrew sighed. "And hopefully win at this game."
"Welp, by all means, pull out a chair and play," Henry told him.
"Just be sure to take your clothes off before boarding the vehicle," Hawkeye suggested.
"No. 'Absolutely' not," Andrew declined. "I'm not going to take my clothes off. All I'm doing is playing a game of poker. So that's that."
"Suit yourself," said Trapper. "Play with us fully clothed if you want to."
"Alright," Andrew sat down in a chair and scooted towards the table. "Can we start playing already?"
"Very well," Captain Pierce proclaimed. "Let's start by drawing cards."
And so a new poker game got underway with Andrew playing this round, while Margaret and Frank watched from the sideline. They were wondering if Andrew knew what he was doing and if he was 'actually' doing the right thing by playing poker. All they could do was watch and wait...
After a few minutes were spent drawing out the correct number of cards, everyone was just about ready to show what they got for cards. Andrew looked at his cards and was satisfied. He wanted to know what the others got for cards first before showing his own.
"Alright, guys. I want you to show what you got for hand values before I reveal mine," Andrew announced. "We'll start with Klinger. What did you get?"
"Well sir, I got a straight," Klinger put his cards down. "See? Right in that order."
"Okay," Andrew moved on to Radar. "Radar? What did you get?"
"Hmmm," Radar looked before putting his cards down. "Three of a kind."
"I see," Andrew turned to face Henry. "Colonel? What about you?"
"Lesse, I got..." Henry looked at his cards. "I have a full house."
"Very well," Andrew looked at the cards he set down before moving on to Hawkeye. "Pierce? Care to tell me what you got?"
"Well Andrew, I'll have you know that I got a flush," Hawkeye put down his cards and showed them. "That's what I got for cards."
"Not too shabby," Andrew looked towards Trapper. "Okay McIntyre, let's see what you got."
"Alright Andrew, I'll show you what I got," Trapper put his cards down too. "I have four of a kind."
"Interesting," Andrew rubbed his chin. "That's good enough."
"Well what about you Andrew," Hawkeye wondered. "What did you get?"
"I think we all want to know what you got," Trapper proclaimed as everyone else agreed.
"Alright, if you all must know, I got..." Andrew trailed off before slowly placing his cards onto the table, facing upward for everyone to see what he got. "I got a royal flush."
"WHAT!?" Everyone shouted in disbelief as they got a good look at what Andrew got for cards exactly.
It was true.
He did get a royal flush.
They couldn't believe it.
"I can't believe it, Andrew," Trapper gaped. "You beat us at a game of poker again."
"Well, unlike you guys, I'm not gonna play poker for 18 nights straight," Andrew told them calmly. "So consider this the only poker game I'm playing."
"Well, it looks like you win all of our belongings," Hawkeye groaned. "So how much money do you think you'll make out of that?"
"What do you mean? Who said that I'm selling this stuff?" Andrew gave him a look. "I'm not selling this stuff. I'm returning the stuff to their rightful owners."
"Wait, hold on a second sir," Klinger thought he heard things, so he had to double-check. "Did you just say that you are returning our stuff?"
"Yes, Klinger. That's what I said," Andrew nodded.
"You mean to tell me that the reason that you played poker was so you could return everyone's stuff?" Hawkeye asked in disbelief.
"Exactly," Andrew confirmed. "And to tell you the truth, I also did this to teach you all a harsh lesson as to why playing poker like this for 18 straight nights can lead to dire consequences. It might seem cold of me to do this, but it was for the best. I hope you all understand my intention of doing this."
None of them could deny that. They didn't say a word as they gave him a nod, some more reluctant than others. They didn't want to argue with the Major about this, so they went along with it. Andrew wiped his forehead and let out a sigh of relief.
"Alright. Now that that's all set, let's start by returning the stuff," Andrew stated before starting with the captains. "Pierce, you and McIntyre can set up the still again, if you don't mind?"
"Oh sure," Hawkeye snorted. "Come on Trap, let's set our still back up."
Trapper only nodded as the two of them picked up the still together and brought it back to where it belonged. While they were doing that, Andrew decided to continue down the list of stuff that belongs to whom. He decided to start with Henry.
"Colonel? I believe this is your bucket hat," Andrew handed him his hat and sweater. "And your University of Illinois Letter sweater goes with it too."
"Well shucks. You know something Major," Henry decided to admit as he put his fishing bucket hat on his head. "I 'actually' regret almost bidding these things off. I've had these since before I was drafted to Korea. Believe me, Major, I'm glad these things weren't given away in a gambling bid."
"I'm glad about that too, sir," Andrew told him before he turned to face Klinger. "Klinger? Here's your Scarlett O'Hara dress, and your Shirley Temple dress."
"You know sir? This was very noble," Klinger remarked. "I don't think I could pull another Section 8 caper without these babies in my Klinger Collection. Thanks a bunch, Major."
"Anytime Klinger," Andrew looked at Radar next. "Radar? Here's your jeep hat. And your teddy bear."
"Oh, gee," Radar put the jeep hat back onto his head before he cradled his teddy bear. "To think I tried bidding these off. Good thing I got them back. Gee whiz, sir. Thanks a whole bunch Major. I 'preciate it."
"Don't mention it Radar. Seriously, it's my pleasure," Andrew gave him an assuring smile before facing Frank. "Frank? I believe this frame goes to you."
"I'll take that," Frank walked over and took it from his hands. "This goes right back around my mother."
"Glad to see your happy Frank," Andrew sighed as he decided to move on to his lady; Margaret. "Margaret? Here's your hairbrush."
"Andrew, I'm absolutely lucky that you won and got this hairbrush back for me," Margaret gave Andrew a quick and playful peck on the cheek. "Thanks a whole bunch Andrew. I appreciate it."
"Anytime Margaret," Andrew gave her a playful smile. "I love you, dear."
"I love you too darling," Margaret gave him an identical playful smile that Andrew had.
At that moment, Father Mulcahy came into the tent, as he had the huge urge to make a complaint to the Colonel. "Colonel Blake? I need to make a complaint. I've been-"
"I know Father," Henry sighed. "Your bible was stolen, and you've been robbed, right?"
"Why, as a matter of fact, yes. It has been stolen, and thusly I've been robbed," Father Mulcahy admitted. "As one of the Ten Commandments says in 'the Exodus' 20:2-17; thou shalt not steal."
"Yeah Father, but I've taken care of it," Andrew approached the Father with the bible in his hand. "Here's your bible back Father."
"Yes, this is my bible. God bless you, Major," Father Mulcahy thanked him. "The Lord sees you as a saint of this world."
"Well, I wouldn't say that I'm a saint. I was just doing the right thing," Andrew said modestly. "But I appreciate the compliment. Thank you."
"Anytime, my son," Mulcahy told him.
"And now there's just McIntyre's watch," Andrew then got Trapper's attention. "Hey, McIntyre? Here's your watch back."
"Huh," Trapper was given back his watch.
"And McIntyre? Don't try to bid that watch off again," Andrew advised him. "Otherwise, you're likely to lose it permanently."
"Right. I'll uh, be sure to keep that in mind," Trapper said sheepishly. "Thanks."
"Your welcome," Andrew stated. "Well, that just about covers it."
"What about your book honey," Margaret pointed out.
"Oh, that doesn't count buttercup," Andrew admitted thoughtfully. "I mean, it's my book, but I wanted to get everyone else's stuff back to their rightful owners first."
"Major? I know I said you were noble before," Klinger spoke up. "Now I 'really' mean it when I say that you're noble."
"Awww, there's no need to go that far," Andrew said shyly, sounding flattered.
"Welp, to be fair Major, you did win this poker game to get our stuff back to us," Henry spoke up. "It wasn't what I prezactly hoped for at first. But I guess your act was absotively what the doctor ordered."
"I'm happy to know that you feel that way about it," Andrew remarked sincerely. "And I hope this has shown you about the dangers of gambling. Now you don't have to stop gambling altogether. I'm suggesting that you only gamble in moderation so things don't get out of hand. Am I understood?"
Everyone nodded at that, seeing that they had nothing to say about it. Just seeing that allowed Andrew to be satisfied with how he handled things.
"Well, now that that's taken care of," Hawkeye made sure the still worked as it should, in which it does. "What do you say for a couple of drinks instead of poker."
"I'll buy that," Trapper shrugged. "Poker can wait until after the payment from payday gets here. Then I can get even with you guys."
"We'll just have to see about that Trapper," Hawkeye gave his partner a glass of gin while also holding a glass for himself.
Trapper said nothing else as he drank his gin with Hawkeye. Henry was about to say something about this, but before he could, the sounds of ambulances pulling up into the compound were heard. And that meant one thing. Wounded had just shown up. The war was back in business as the voice on the P.A. system started to announce.
"ATTENTION, ALL PERSONNEL! INCOMING WOUNDED! AMBULANCES IN THE COMPOUND! FILLED UP WITH CASUALTIES! TIME TO GET THE CASUALTIES INTO THE ADMITTING WARD BEFORE SCRUBBING UP, AND THEN PERFORM MEATBALL SURGERY IN O.R!"
"Well, looks like the war is happening all over again," Andrew sighed.
"That's what happens when a war is in full swing," Hawkeye retorted. "Plenty of casualties and blood to go around."
"Enough blood to donate to those who need it," Trapper added dryly.
"Welp, time to get to work," Henry moaned as he got up from his seat. "Looks like a busy shift. So let's get the hospital moving in full swing. Let's get going folks."
"Right. We better not waste time with these casualties," Andrew stated. "Let's get this done and over with Margaret."
"You got it, Andrew," Margaret told him with a smile.
"Well, it's like I always say; another evening with the war taking place when we're three miles from the front," Frank scoffed.
"Lord knows we try to stop it," Hawkeye retorted. "No offense Father."
"Uh, no offense has been taken, Hawkeye," Mulcahy said.
"Let's see how many patients we have to cut into this time," Trapper muttered bitterly and cynically. "This is gonna stink."
"Yeah, but we'll get by it," said Andrew as they all stepped outside. "No trouble at all."
"Hey Major," Frank got Andrew's attention when they got outside. "I need to tell you something."
"Why sure Frank," Andrew looked curious by this. "What do you need to tell me?"
"Well...I just wanna say...uhh...you know..." Frank made sure that no one was around to witness this and that nobody could hear him speak except for Andrew.
When it was clear that no one else could hear him, Frank took a deep breath and came out with it. "I want to thank you for helping out tonight."
Andrew was a little shocked by that at first, but he regain his composure and reacted to it. "It was nothing Frank. No honest. I was willing to do what I did back in the Swamp."
"Well...alright," Frank decided to go with that.
"Now that we got that out of the way, I think it's a good idea to take care of the wounded," Andrew reminded him. "Wouldn't you agree?"
"Right," Frank admitted.
They didn't say another word as they went to join the others in getting ready for O.R. where they would perform more meatball surgery on these patients. It seemed like things were running as they should, and the shift was going exactly as one would expect from the M*A*S*H 4077.
The gambling issue was resolved, and it was clear that the guys were gonna take a break from playing poker for a while, at least until the money shows up later. Even then, they'll be too busy in OR to even focus on it. One thing's for sure, the problems that had come up from this gambling debacle were handled. That's all that mattered to the M*A*S*H unit...
END OF CHAPTER 44...
Yup. That's it for this chapter. I do hope you enjoy it, even though I don't know a whole lot about poker aside from what I researched. So this chapter might not be the most well written in this story. Still, I hope you liked it, as I did the best I could with writing it.
Yeah, I don't have much more to say about this chapter that hasn't been said already. So I'm just gonna keep it short.
Anyway, for the next chapter, an engagement is announced to some of the people at the 4077th, and it's for Andrew and Margaret. I'm not sure how that chapter will roll along, so I have to do some thinking before I come up with something for that. That being said, how will things go when that announcement is made? Find out next time everyone!
For now, please only leave a review if you feel like leaving one. Regardless of what type of review it is, I have no problem with it by this point. That's all I got for that.
Otherwise, that's all folks. So until the next chapter, I do hope you all take care of yourselves. And on that note, thanks again for reading everyone!