Alright now, ladies and gentlemen! This is the 48th chapter of this story!
Now, the previous chapter was essentially a low point for this story, and I am very disappointed with it and I don't think too fondly of it either. Therefore, I am hoping that this chapter might more than makeup for that.
Anyway, as I said before, this chapter is similar to the Season 5 episode 'The Most Unforgettable Characters', in that it's Frank's birthday, and no one in the camp seems to care in the slightest. Andrew will play a role and show some empathy even with how things went for them in the past.
In addition to that, Hawkeye and Trapper take a little pity on this and decide to fake a feud between them if only to jokingly humor Frank so his birthday isn't entirely sour, and some other stuff will take place as well. How will this go? Just how forgettable will Frank's birthday be? And how far will Hawkeye and Trapper take their feud in a way that it could nearly cost them their friendship? Find out right now, folks!
IN THE MESS TENT - 10:02
It was a new day at the M*A*S*H 4077. There were no incoming casualties at the moment, and everyone was going about with their day. In the mess tent, many of the people stationed there were waiting in line to be given their meal. At one of the tables, we see Hawkeye, Trapper, and Andrew sitting there, along with Private Igor. Igor had a cup of tapioca with was appeared to look like raisins, but he knew what they were, so he didn't touch it.
Tapioca was being served in the mess tent today...or rather, it was being served. But they seemed to have run out, and those who didn't get any had to miss out. Not that it mattered, since most of them were alright without it. There wasn't much being discussed amongst them at the moment, save for the conversation that Hawkeye and Trapper were having together. Needless to say, there was nothing new going on.
"Boy, that was some game we played in the Officer's Club last night, wasn't it?" Hawkeye was the first to comment.
"Would you happen to mean how Henry ended up bringing home all the dough from winning?" Trapper queried, raising an eyebrow.
"Well Henry was really on his game last night," Hawkeye said. "And to think that it took him getting drunk on three bottles of booze to get him there."
"Yeah," Trapper chuckled lightly. "And then he ended up falling unconsciously on the floor after he won."
"Tell me about it," Hawkeye laughed. "I don't think I'll ever forget that."
"Well, I wasn't there," Andrew spoke up. "So I wouldn't know."
"Course you wouldn't Andrew. You had to be there to believe it," Trapper told him.
"Instead, you were in your tent, reading one of your books again," Hawkeye stated.
"Yes," Andrew nodded. "I don't see that as being a problem."
"No one said it was," both Captains remarked simultaneously.
This got Andrew to roll his eyes in slight annoyance as he decided to mind his own business for the time being.
Meanwhile, in the chow line, we see Frank arguing with Klinger, who was serving the food today. Frank had wanted something that was being served today, but he was short on luck since they ran out of what he wanted. After Klinger told Frank something, Frank gave him his usual scowl before walking away.
Believe it or not, it was Frank's birthday today. And so far, it wasn't going so great. Not that his previous birthdays were any better, since nobody 'really' seemed to care that it was his birthday at all. It's been going on for years, so he was used to it, even though it was still painful. But just this once, he wanted something, just one thing to go his way this time.
The last birthday he had at the 4077 was almost decent, and that's only because of a chain of deals that Hawkeye and Trapper made for the former to get a pair of fresh army boots. Of course, it was all for nothing, since Frank refused to sign Klinger's discharge forms, which eventually led to Radar taking the birthday cake away since the chain fell apart. And that left Hawkeye without a pair of new army boots. But that wasn't important to the Major.
This year, he wanted to have some tapioca for his birthday, which they ran out of, and so he couldn't even have that. Feeling irritated, Frank headed to the table that Hawkeye, Trapper, and Andrew were sitting at, as he took a seat at the end of the table.
"Hello Frank," Hawkeye greeted.
"Hi Frank," Trapper followed.
"I've heard that one before," Frank took that as an insult before he saw the tapioca that Igor had, and he wanted to have that. "Give me that tapioca Private. If you're not having it, then I will. No need to waste something so good."
"Uhhh...sir," Igor tried to warn him. "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
Of course, Frank wasn't having any of it as he took a spoonful of it and ate it. At first, he was satisfied with what he was eating.
"Mmm...Not bad," Frank remarked. "Good raisins."
"No sir," Igor then revealed to him. "Flies."
"As in, houseflies," Andrew wondered slowly.
"Those are the only kind sir," Igor confirmed.
Frank grimaced from what he ate as he was 'clearly' disgusted by this, assuming he did that to him on purpose, while Andrew placed his left palm on his face. As for Hawkeye and Trapper, they started laughing at how Frank got himself into that mess.
"Well Frank, think of this way," Hawkeye teased him. "That tapioca will help you fly to new heights."
"It could be worse Frank," Trapper shrugged casually with a smirk. "Your fly could be down."
Then they resume laughing as Frank felt the strong need to gag as he pushed the cup of tapioca away, no longer wanting to eat it, as he was upset.
"Oh good," Frank snorted. "Some birthday this turned out to be..."
"Wait a minute," that got Andrew to uncover his eyes. "Frank, did you just say that it's your birthday today?"
"Yeah, but what do you care," Frank huffed. "Nobody cares about it, as always."
"Why Frank, you never told us that," Hawkeye commented.
"Yeah. We could have left you a special birthday joke in your cot," Trapper added. "It would be our birthday present to you."
"You might as well do that," Frank groaned. "It's better than having everyone ignore my birthday, just like every other birthday I've had."
"Oh don't speak like that Frank," Andrew spoke up. "You shouldn't be too hard on yourself like this."
"You know somethin', Frank? You haven't even asked everyone if they know that it's your birthday," Trapper told him before standing up. "Let me show you how it's done. Ahem. Can I have everyone's attention?!"
This seemed to work as everyone in the mess tent stopped what they were doing and gave Trapper their full undivided attention. Seeing that it worked, he decided to ask everyone the question that had to be asked.
"I have to ask you all a question. How many of you know that it's Frank's birthday today?" Trapper queried, pointing to Frank for emphasis.
Everyone gazed towards Frank for a split second or so. Then suddenly, everyone went back to doing what they were doing previously, pretending that they were never asked that question and disregarded Frank entirely. Trapper and Hawkeye were a little shocked before they shrugged it off.
"Well Frank, there are birthdays. And then there are birthdays," Hawkeye said nonchalantly.
"See? What did I tell you?" Frank scoffed, not at all surprised by this. "You guys might as well give up trying to encourage them since it won't work. Just like every other birthday I've had."
"Don't put yourself down like this Frank," Andrew told him assuringly. "Isn't there someone who has remembered your birthday?"
"The only person who has ever remembered my birthday at all is my mother," Frank said honestly. "Well, her and my wife. They're the only ones who bother to send me birthday cards to the 4077."
"Are you sure about that? You've never had any good birthdays back in Fort Wayne, Indiana?" Andrew questioned.
"That's right. Not a single good birthday was spent in Fort Wayne," Frank admitted. "No one else remembered, and the parties were lousy."
"They have to be, seeing that it's for Ferret Face," Hawkeye quirked.
"A proper birthday to be thrown for a rotten person like you Frank," Trapper told him.
Andrew gave them a look to tell them to hush up before facing Frank again. "So you never had any birthday parties?"
"Oh sure, I've had birthday parties. Only they weren't so happy," Frank confessed. "Nobody was pleased to be there at all."
"Is that so?" Andrew wondered curiously.
"The only reason anyone bothered showing up at all was that they had to be paid and were given money to show up," Frank revealed. "My mother had to send 30 party invitations with $50 included for anyone to show up, let alone four kids. Had it not been for that, they wouldn't have shown up in the first place."
"Gosh," Andrew blinked in shock. "That must've stunk."
"You don't know the whole side of it, Major," Frank grumbled. "And it's not any different here. Nobody seems to care about it at all."
"What about Margaret? Has she forgotten?" Andrew asked.
"Well, she did remember my birthdays, and was the only other person to do so," Frank told him bitterly. "But then she met you, and she got engaged with you. And since then, she probably stopped remembering, just like everyone else here."
"Oh come off it Frank. Don't jump to conclusions," Andrew said. "Don't say that if you don't know if it's true or not."
Frank didn't say anything, as he huffed and looked down towards the ground in irritation and disappointment. Seeing that this was getting them nowhere, Andrew had to try a different approach.
"Look Frank, I'll tell you what," Andrew made a deal as he sighed. "I'll talk with Margaret about it, and I'll see what we can do about this situation that you're in."
"Really? You sure you can do that Major?" Frank was still a little upset about this, and he was also doubtful as well.
"Now I can't make promises I can't keep," Andrew told him. "But I'll do the best I can to resolve it."
"Well Major, you shouldn't waste your time pitying me," Frank told him. "But fine. Whatever you say."
"Right," Andrew sighed, knowing this was gonna be tougher than he thought. "I'll see what I can do."
Without saying another word, Andrew stood up from his seat as he then walked out of the mess tent. No one else said anything at the table, as they decided to continue with their day...
A couple of hours have passed since then, and everyone was getting by the day like they normally would. Hawkeye and Trapper were going about with their usual business, but they couldn't help but notice how Frank has been acting.
For instance, they would see him acting all mopey, which made him even more annoying than usual. However, whenever someone of a lower rank does something that he doesn't approve of, he yells at them like the usual Frank Burns that they know and loathe.
Still, they found it very pitiful to see Frank acting unusual throughout the past couple of hours, especially since they have to bunk with him. The last thing they want was for Frank to whimper tonight, or worse, get drunk and keep them up half the night. They did not want to have a repeat of that.
They had to think about what they were going to do about him, especially since today was his birthday, and nobody seemed to care about it.
"Boy, if this doesn't beat them all," Trapper retorted. "Frank is gonna drive us crazy if he keeps this up."
"That reminds me," Hawkeye remembered something that he had to share. "What are we gonna do about ol' Ferret Face?"
"I dunno," Trapper shrugged. "I still think we should ship him to North Korea in a crate when he sleeps tonight."
"Nah. That would be asking for a lot," Hawkeye insisted. "Besides, the North Koreans wouldn't be able to tolerate him."
"Good point," Trapper understood this. "Still, there must be something to get him from getting on our nerves."
"Yeah," Hawkeye said. "All this because nobody at the 4077 remembered his birthday, or even cares about it."
Trapper nodded at that as he spent the next moment or so thinking to himself. Trapper then up with a thought that got him to chuckle to himself, which got Hawkeye a little curious by this.
"What Trap? What's so funny?" Hawkeye asked him.
"Haha, wouldn't it be somethin' Hawk? If we were to humor the ol' khaki wearing weasel?" Trapper laughed.
"Humor him? How?" Hawkeye raised an eyebrow.
"What if he saw us feuding in the Swamp," Trapper struggled to hold back the chuckles from sharing it. "Maybe that'll convince him to stop bein' such a mope all day."
"Hey, you might be onto something," Hawkeye started to smirk. "If we do this for him, it might get him on our backs, it'll be our birthday present to him, and we'll get to have the last laugh when all this is over."
"Yeah," Trapper nodded. "This will be his birthday gift from us."
"Well, Trapper. Let's head back to the Swamp," Hawkeye suggested. "Maybe then, we'll have something to argue about."
"Let's think about this over a drink Hawkeye," Trapper insisted.
"Certainly. I could use a belt right about now."
"Me too. Let's go."
And with that, the two captains went back to the Swamp to have a drink or two, while thinking about what they should argue about when Frank gets back all mopey. Things were going to get drastic between the two of them...
IN THE SWAMP - 11:08
Back in the Swamp, the two captains were having a couple of drinks from the still, all while thinking about what they should argue about. A couple of things came to mind eventually, and they decided to go with what they came up with. All they had to do was wait until Frank got back to the Swamp. Both of them kept an eye out for him, so they would know when they should get ready for their little feud.
"Where the hell is that weasel," Hawkeye queried in annoyance, not seeing him approaching the Swamp.
"Maybe he's on trash detail," Trapper shrugged casually. "Or maybe he's practicing his usual drill instructions. You know how things go when that regular army rat orders soldiers to dig up foxholes and whatnot."
"I know that," Hawkeye huffed. "But it wouldn't kill him to not be late on a first date."
"Since when did he ever have a date with you," Trapper retorted. "Or with any of us for that matter?"
"Last I checked you were saving that for when Frank gets here," Hawkeye gave him an annoyed look.
"Well I'm not the one who is being impatient over nothin'," Trapper fired back.
"Nothin'? This is Frank Burns we're talking about," Hawkeye snorted. "I'm not being impatient at all!"
"Hey Hawk? Save it for the real show," Trapper informed him. "You know when Frank Burns does show up."
"You're right Trap," Hawkeye sighed as he looked outside again. "I just have to wonder when he'll come."
"He'll come. Just hold your bladder," Trapper said.
"Trapper, if I wasn't waiting for Frank, I'd say that your starting to sound like Henry every-" Hawkeye cut himself off when he saw Frank heading for the Swamp. "Hey, Trap? Frank is coming!"
"No kiddin'," Trapper snorted before seeing Frank walking over for himself. "There he is. What'd I tell you? Right on schedule."
"Alright," Hawkeye rolled his eyes. "Now remember how we planned our little feud. He'll hear every inch and crack of it. So let's get ready."
"I was going to say that," Trapper deadpanned. "But if you say so..."
And so they got right in front of the gin still, waiting for Frank to enter. In a matter of moments, Frank walked into the Swamp, all mopey and whatnot. The captains took this as their cue, as Hawkeye started by grabbing the pillow on his cot.
"How dare you," Hawkeye lashed out, tossing his pillow angrily onto the floor. "How dare you accuse me of forgetting to put in the fixings in the still!?"
"What are you talking about? You were accusing me of it," Trapper snapped back, which got Frank's attention. "Last I checked, you were put in charge of handling it. Now we have no martinis to drink since it's dry."
"Ah no. Don't pull that one on me," Hawkeye spat, getting up into Trapper's face. "You were in charge of it this time. Now we have nothing to drink thanks to you, you knucklehead!"
"Well, what do you expect from a gin still that's being run in a hell hole such as this," Trapper countered. "And don't call me a knucklehead! If anyone's the knucklehead around here, it's you!"
"So this is the thanks I get for being your bunkmate after all this time," Hawkeye was offended.
"Let me get a second opinion," Trapper turned to Frank, who was getting intrigued by their little feuding. "Frank, what do you think?"
"Uh, don't bring me into this," Frank told him. "You two are handling this just fine."
"Lay off of Frank, Trapper," Hawkeye yelled, marching over to him. "He's a true blue American who wears khakis and waves the American flag every chance he gets. Unlike you, Trapper John McHypocrite."
"Oh! So your gonna start lying to your old buddy now, right?" Trapper had a strong sarcastic tone in his voice.
"Lying?" Hawkeye huffed. "I don't have to take that kind of talk from a man who started his academic career by failing the afternoon nap."
"At least I'm not the one who refused to share his longjohns," Trapper countered. "Or better yet, I didn't go crazy for a pair of stinking army boots."
"Good advice from a man who zipped his fly to new heights," Hawkeye spat sarcastically.
"You want to pack your bags now or wait until the second half of the war starts," Trapper wondered. "Because it makes no never mind to me, Ben Franklin Pierce."
"I don't have to put up with this," Hawkeye walked towards the door. "I'm gonna tell Henry."
"Try it. He's probably asleep anyway," Trapper grabbed a pillow from his cot. "A lot of good that'll do!"
"That's what you think," Hawkeye opened the door and walked out. "Knucklehead."
With that, Trapper threw his pillow towards Hawkeye, who bolted out the door before it hit him. Trapper rushed over to grab the pillow and saw Hawkeye runoff.
"Can you believe that Frank?" Trapper shook his head as he went over to his cot and put his pillow down. "The nerve of that guy."
Frank felt this as his cue to see if he could help out, so he went over to Trapper's cot, pulled out a chair, and sat down next to his cot.
"Anything I can do to help out, Trapper?" Frank asked.
"Nah, there's nothin' you could do about him anyway," Trapper told him. "Can you believe how sneaky that jerk is?"
"I believe it. I believe it." Frank said hastily as he nodded.
"And to think I wasted time becoming friends with that...that two-timer," Trapper said. "He's conceit, condescending, arrogant, self-righteous..."
"Amoral," Frank added. "Don't forget amoral! He's also that."
"Damn right he is. But you know what gets me to a boiling point with that guy," Trapper decided to share. "The fact that he's such a sore loser."
"Sore loser? Are you sure?" Frank raised an eyebrow.
"Yup," Trapper nodded. "And he's always wanting to get the last word."
"Gosh," Frank blinked in shock. "Isn't it a little harsh to say that about your best friend?"
"Correction; he was my best friend," Trapper snorted. "As of now, I don't even know the guy."
"Gee. I dunno what to say," Frank uttered.
At that moment, Hawkeye came back into the Swamp, which got Frank to stand up.
"Good news jerk. Henry 'really' was sleeping," Hawkeye huffed. "Doesn't change the fact that this is your fault."
"Is that so? Well, I don't need to put up with that," Trapper scoffed, getting off of his cot and for the door. "I'll talk with him."
"Don't bother," Hawkeye sneered. "You might as well go back to the crummy city of Boston, where your so-called home is located in a sewer pit!"
"Ha! At least my home isn't in a crummier town called Crabapple Cove," Trapper snapped back, opening the door and stepping out. "Which you came from, and your home is worse of a dump than where I live!"
It was then Hawkeye grabbed a pillow from his cot and threw it towards Trapper, who bolted out of there before it hit him. Hawkeye huffed before going over to get his pillow and put it on his cot. Frank was surprised by this. They were having a serious feud, and by the looks of it, things were falling apart for them.
"Wow. You two are having a serious feud," Frank commented.
"You don't know the half of it Frank," Hawkeye grumbled, sitting on his cot. "That guy is a backstabber."
"You think that's true," Frank took that chair and put it in front of Hawkeye's cot, which he sat in. "You should have heard the stuff he said about you."
"Yeah, I bet," Hawkeye retorted. "What did he say about me?"
"Well, you know? That your a two-timer," Frank started. "And that your very conceit, condescending, arrogant, self-righteous, and an amoral Ferret Face."
"Really? He called me that?" Hawkeye gave him a curious look.
"Well, he was so mad that he thought you were me," Frank came up with an answer.
"No surprise there," Hawkeye rolled his eyes. "First feud we had in months, and he had to confuse me with you."
"You think that was insulting? You should have heard what else he said about you," Frank decided to share. "He said that you were a sore loser."
That got Hawkeye's attention. He did not just hear Frank say that, did he?
"Wait a minute there Frank. Did I just hear you correctly?" Hawkeye had to double-check, hoping he was wrong. "Did you say that Trapper said I'm a sore loser?"
"Yup," Frank confirmed. "Said your a sore loser who always has to get in the last word."
Now that got Hawkeye personally offended. All of this was supposed to be an act so Frank could be put into better spirits. He didn't think Trapper would have the gall to go behind his back and say that he was a sore loser who always had to get the last word. He couldn't believe it. This 'really' struck a nerve.
"I can't believe it," Hawkeye said in shock. "Trapper called me a sore loser, and that I always have to get the last word..."
"Believe me, I'm as shocked about it as you are," Frank remarked. "In any case, don't let me stop you two from settling your feud. It's going just fine Hawkeye ol' pal."
"Yes Frank," Hawkeye said dryly. "It was a BIG help. Thanks for telling me this."
"Anytime at all," Frank told him with a smile before standing up.
"If you'll excuse me, I have some business to take care of," Hawkeye got up from his cot and walked out the door, not looking back.
Once he was gone, Frank started giggling in a silly manner. He was all alone, and he was witnessing a friendship crumbling right before him. It seems like his birthday was starting to improve.
This is turning out to be a better birthday than I planned. Frank thought snidely. I'm 'really' enjoying those two captains getting at each others' throats. This ought to be interesting.
With that, Frank continued to laugh as he got back onto his cot, thinking about how things were going to go from here. He was going to savor every moment of this, that's for sure, especially on his birthday...
IN MARGARET'S TENT - 11:21
"Is that true Andrew?" Margaret asked in surprise as she was standing. "Did he say that?"
"Uh-huh," Andrew nodded as he was sitting on Margaret's cot. "He does think that you forgot his birthday."
"Oh, that's outrageous," Margaret shook her head. "I haven't forgotten his birthday."
"That's not what he thinks," Andrew told her. "He thinks that ever since we started dating, and eventually got engaged, you wouldn't be willing to remember his birthday anymore."
"Oh, Andrew. Indeed, Frank and I haven't been close since we got together," Margaret sighed. "But that doesn't mean that I'd forget his birthday on purpose."
"You should have seen him in the mess tent earlier," Andrew brought up. "Nobody seemed to care that it was his birthday today. And he even shared how back in Fort Wayne, his party guests had to be paid cash to show up to his birthday parties. It's really sad."
"I'll bet," Margaret frowned. "The last time I had a birthday party for him here, it was from a deal I made with the captains that I wouldn't report to General Mitchell about Colonel Blake's inept capability as a C.O."
"And it was all for a dumb pair of boots," Andrew moaned. "Which if you ask me, was kinda ridiculous."
"Tell me about it," Margaret groaned in agreement.
"So what are we going to do about Frank?" Andrew wondered.
"I was hoping that you'd know Andrew," Margaret told him. "After all, we can't throw him another surprise party like before."
"Your right," Andrew rubbed his chin. "We're gonna have to come up with something smaller."
"Like what?" Margaret raised an eyebrow.
"I'm gonna have to think about that," Andrew admitted. "Maybe Radar might help out with some suggestions if necessary."
"I suppose so," Margaret sighed. "Maybe we can do some thinking together. What do you think?"
"I think that's terrific," Andrew smiled. "Thinking with you makes this easier. Doing anything with you is always easier for both of us."
"Oh Andrew, you have no idea how virile you are," Margaret smirked seductively. "You are caring, thoughtful, considerate, and a wonderful gentleman of a man. Just the way I love it, honey."
"I'm honored that you feel that way about me," Andrew grinned. "It just shows how much I love you."
"Oh darling, I love you too," Margaret moaned. "Just kiss me already!"
"I might as well do that, my dear," Andrew said lustily.
With that, they started kissing mouth to mouth. While they did that, they remembered having to do something for Frank's birthday.
"Hey, Margaret? What should we do about Frank?" Andrew queried while kissing.
"Let's think it over while kissing like wild Andrew," Margaret begged through the kiss.
"That's good enough for me."
And so they resumed kissing, hoping that an idea comes to them soon enough. With them, it shouldn't take long at all...
OUTSIDE IN THE COMPOUND - 15:05
Several hours have passed since then. And the day continued as it should. Standing outside all by his lonesome, however, was Hawkeye. He was just standing to the side, away from everyone else in the compound, thinking about what Trapper said about him. He couldn't help but believe that Trapper was a friend stabber with how he called him a sore loser who had to get the last word in. Just thinking it over got him aggravated.
He spent the next few moments by himself until Trapper came over and saw him standing there. He had some news to share with the chief surgeon, and it involved how Frank has been feeling since their planned feud.
"Hey, Hawkeye? You should see Frank in the Swamp," Trapper commented. "He's been giggling since our feud was convincing."
"Really? I can hear it from over here," Hawkeye retorted. "I think all of Korea can hear him giggling like a fool."
"I think this was a great birthday gift for him," Trapper ignored Hawkeye's sarcasm for the moment. "We'll be sleeping well tonight thanks to that."
"Yeah right," Hawkeye huffed.
"So what are you doing here all by yourself," Trapper wondered.
"Oh, you know? I'm just waiting for the next bus to bring me back to Crabapple Cove," Hawkeye had a bitter tone. "Or as you put it, a crummy dump of which I live."
"Oh Hawkeye, lighten up," Trapper told him as he walked over to him. "You know that I didn't mean any of that and I was just leading Frank on into thinking we were feuding."
"That's not what's bothering me, Trapper," Hawkeye turned around to face him, furrowing his eyebrows at him.
"Well, that could've fooled me," Trapper shrugged casually.
"What you said to Frank before behind my back," Hawkeye got to the point. "Did you 'really' say that I'm a sore loser?"
"Yeah."
"And did you also say that I have to always get the last word out of every conversation?"
"Yes. So?" Trapper didn't think this was a big deal.
"So?! Trapper, out of all the things you could've said about me, you had to say that," Hawkeye scowled. "How could you say that I'm a sore loser!?"
"Hey, no need to get excited Hawk," Trapper had his hands up. "So I said those things about you. What's the big deal?"
"The big deal is that I never thought my best friend would say that stuff about me," Hawkeye spat.
"Your kiddin'. You're not taking that personally, are you?" Trapper huffed.
"Yes!" Hawkeye retorted. "Yes, I am! Especially when it isn't true!"
"Well, to be fair Hawkeye, you do tend to act like a sore loser," Trapper admitted. "You do overreact when something doesn't go your way."
"Excuse me? I overreact?" Hawkeye was offended. "Last time I overreacted was when I was dragged into this stupid war!"
"And you think I like it any better," Trapper rolled his eyes. "Let's see, there was that one time you decided to move out of the Swamp because a patient of yours gone sour."
"Well I couldn't do any thinking as it is when you and the others were slamming poker chips and cards on the table," Hawkeye yelled.
"It's true. You broke a date with a nurse since you were sore," Trapper told him.
"Yeah," Hawkeye grunted.
"And believe it or not Hawkeye, but you do tend to get the last word out of everything." Trapper pointed.
"Since when?"
"Since we've been in this hell hole."
"I don't believe it," Hawkeye spat as Trapper turned around. "I don't get the last word out."
"Yes, you do. You did it just now," Trapper remarked.
"Maybe I should pack my things and leave the Swamp for a couple of nights. Maybe that'll change your mind," Hawkeye said.
"Makes no difference to me. As long as you don't get the last word before you leave," Trapper told him.
"I think I should," Hawkeye laughed sarcastically. "Just to spite you."
"I don't believe what I'm hearing," Trapper huffed.
"Yeah, because it isn't true Trap," Hawkeye said.
"Look Hawk, do me a favor," Trapper told him. "Don't say another word. Just stay quiet."
"Fine."
"I mean it. Just shut up," Trapper warned him before turning around and walking away.
"Okay," Hawkeye said.
"Don't think I'm kiddin', cause I'm not," Trapper yelled. "Just don't say anything!"
"You got it," Hawkeye got the last word again.
"Not another word!" Trapper hoped that it'd be the end of it.
"Roger Trapper!" Hawkeye hollered back.
"Ugh!" Trapper grunted, seeing that he was right about Hawkeye.
"Don't let the door hit you when you enter the Swamp!" Hawkeye got the last word once more.
Trapper didn't even bother saying anything else as he stormed off without the intention of giving Hawkeye the satisfaction. From the way things looked, this little feud went from being an act to get Frank in a better mood, to something on a more personal level. It seems that their friendship was on the verge of crumbling, and if this keeps up, they won't even consider each other colleagues. This was not looking good for either of them...
IN THE MESS TENT - 17:17
"So that's why we need your help with this Radar," Andrew had explained to Radar everything regarding Frank's birthday. "We're just unsure about what to do, and we don't want to try throwing a party like last time."
"Gee Major," Radar gulped. "Can understand the problem. But why're you interested in Major Burns' birthday?"
"Because he's been such a mope today," Andrew told him honestly. "He's been in a sour mood since no one seems to care that it's his birthday. And to keep his morale from taking a nosedive, we need something done about it."
"Gotcha. That makes sense," Radar shrugged. "I'll see if anything can be done about it."
"That's all I ask for, Radar," Andrew said simply.
It was just about dinnertime at the 4077, and Andrew and Radar were sitting at the same table when they were talking. Something peculiar about the table they were sitting at was the fact that Hawkeye and Trapper were sitting on two separate ends.
Hawkeye was sitting on the far right side of the table, while Trapper was sitting on the far left side. For the most part, they refused to look at each other. And when they do, it's an occasional glare to show how one is angry at the other.
Needless to say, there was quite a bit of tension from that, but the others would find out about that soon enough. Andrew and Radar were eating innocently without paying attention to them. It wasn't until Hawkeye got their attention did they find out about it.
"Hey Radar," Hawkeye spoke up. "Tell that ex-best friend over there that I need the ketchup."
"Right Hawk," Radar nodded.
"Hey, Andrew?" Trapper got Andrew's attention. "Tell the sore loser that I'd like the salt, will ya?"
"Sure McIntyre," Andrew nodded.
"Trap? Ketchup please?" Radar queried.
"Sure. Here's the ketchup Radar," Trapper gave the ketchup to Radar before focusing on Andrew again. "And Andrew? Make sure that sore loser doesn't get the last word out when you ask him."
"Uh...right," Andrew was starting to feel the tension from them as was Radar, but he decided not to ask about it.
"Oh, and Andrew," Hawkeye spoke up again as he gave him the salt. "While you're at it, remind him that he was the one who stole my watch just so he could gamble!"
"And tell him that he was being selfish about giving up his long johns again," Trapper countered.
"Lard butt!" Hawkeye spat.
"Idiot!" Trapper insulted back.
"Knucklehead!"
"Nincompoop!"
"ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! THAT'S ENOUGH!" Andrew howled, getting them to stop. "I don't know what the problem is, but I can't concentrate when you two are quarreling like this!"
"So hostile," Radar murmured.
"Hostile is a good way to put it Radar," Andrew agreed.
Hawkeye and Trapper huffed as they didn't say another word and they refused to look at one another. Andrew had to pinch his nose as a result.
"Okay. I don't know what the issue is between you two," Andrew groaned. "But we're gonna be planning something for Frank later on tonight. So I want both of you to corporate on this. Understood?"
The captains didn't say anything as they just glanced at Andrew before going back to doing what they were doing. Andrew shook his head and sighed. This was gonna be very difficult for everyone.
At that moment, Frank came into the mess tent, seeming in better spirits as he approached the table where they were sitting.
"Hey gang," Frank greeted. "I hope your all behaving and not breaking regulations."
"Frank," Andrew took notice of this. "You seem to be in better spirits. Are you alright?"
"Never felt better," Frank admitted while sitting down at the table. "A little pick-me-up was all that I needed."
"I see," Andrew murmured.
"And how are the two captains doing today?" Frank queried.
"Terrific Frank," Hawkeye deadpanned.
"Just peachy," Trapper said dryly.
"Well that's good to know," Frank said. "Good to see you two lugs are working this out."
"We're working it out alright," Trapper sneered sarcastically.
"Yeah," Hawkeye retorted. "This helped us see who are real friends aren't."
"Good for you," Frank told them. "This is turning out to be a better birthday than I thought."
"You sure about that Frank?" Andrew asked him.
"Absotively," Frank nodded.
"It's good to know that some of us are in better spirits than others," Hawkeye glared at Trapper.
"Amen to that," Trapper sneered back.
"Here here," Hawkeye huffed.
Neither of them said another word as Andrew and Radar were growing rather concerned about this, and seeing how the two captains were furious with each other. They usually stuck together, so this comes as a shocker.
"Whatcha think's wrong with them?" Radar asked Andrew.
"I don't know for sure," Andrew sighed. "I just hope that whatever this is blown over soon."
"Same here sir," Radar murmured.
After a few minutes of silence at the table, Radar then heard something approaching in the distance. He knew exactly what it was.
"Uh oh...choppers," Radar then hollered. "INCOMING CHOPPERS! INCOMING WOUNDED!"
Right after he yelled that the announcement on the PA system was made.
"ATTENTION, ALL PERSONNEL! INCOMING CASUALTIES! ALL SHIFTS REPORT TO OR, ON THE DOUBLE! TIME TO GET TO WORK!"
"Well, guess our side of the war is back in action again," Andrew sighed as everyone got up and left the mess tent to get ready for OR.
"Yup. Nothing like a good ol' day of action in the middle of a war," Frank remarked.
"If you say so Frank," Andrew commented sheepishly.
"Just be sure that my side of the war stays away from Trapper," Hawkeye snorted.
"And make sure my side of the way stays away from Hawkeye," Trapper countered.
Andrew sighed and rolled his eyes at that. If this is how they were going to behave, then this was going to be one hell of a nightmare in OR, especially for them...
OUTSIDE OF O.R. - 18:37
Luckily, there weren't as many casualties this time, so the OR session wasn't as tedious and long as it should have been. Nonetheless, the atmosphere in OR was pretty sour, no thanks to Hawkeye and Trapper not speaking to one another on good terms.
Andrew was just glad that he was done doing what he had to do, and that now he could unwind until it came time for the surprise in the mess tent to be done for Frank. He was just about ready to head to his tent when Radar approached him with some news.
"Uh, Major," Radar started. "I've got drastic news for you, sir."
"What's the matter this time," Andrew groaned. "Are Pierce and McIntyre still angry with each other?"
"No this is different," Radar shook his head. "It's Klinger."
"Klinger," Andrew was confused by that. "What about him?"
"You should see," Radar exclaimed. "He's dressed like a gypsy. Sayin' he's gonna pour gas-lene on himself."
"Gasoline? Are you sure Radar?" Andrew was rather shocked by that.
"No kiddin' sir," Radar told him. "Plannin' to set himself on fire an' everything."
"Oh, gee. Now he's attempting to commit arson on himself," Andrew groaned. "Alright Radar. Lead me to him."
"Right," Radar nodded as he escorted Andrew to where Klinger is.
By the time they got to Klinger, they saw him wearing that gypsy outfit with a crowd of people surrounding him in a circle, with a plastic tank of what was gasoline right next to him. Truth be told, it was water, but he wanted to fool them into thinking it was gasoline if only to be certified crazy enough to get out of the army.
"Stand back folks. Stay back I say," Klinger warned them all. "I don't want you all to get caught in the crosshair when I set myself up in flames."
"Klinger!" Andrew yelled as he and Radar cut through the circle of people. "Klinger, have you gone mad!? Do you know what your doing!?"
"That's exactly what I'm planning Major, so don't come any closer," Klinger told him. "If I can't get myself a Section 8, then I'll go out in flames!"
"And get a serious third-degree burn in the process," Andrew deadpanned. "But Klinger, don't you think you're going too far? Why come to this point? You have a whole life ahead of you!"
"Correction Peterson; I did have a life ahead of me in Toledo," Klinger corrected him. "But since the army won't send me home, this is what I'm gonna have to do."
"Come on Klinger, be sensible about this. I-" Andrew was cut off when Klinger poured the 'gasoline' over him and got himself soaked. Andrew was quick to realize that that was water and not gasoline. Otherwise, Klinger would have never gone with this.
"Klinger, please come with me so we can talk this out," Andrew begged.
"Will you give me a discharge," Klinger asked.
"You know I can't do that," Andrew told him.
"Then I must go out, and let this flame burn me to a crisp," Klinger told him dramatically. "I bid you all adieu!"
"NO KLINGER!" Andrew hollered. "Look! Just come with me for a minute and we can discuss this some more before you do this!"
"Alright, okay. Fine," Klinger sighed. "But just for a minute, okay? After that, I'm setting myself on fire."
"That's all I need is a minute," Andrew said as he face Radar. "Radar? I need you to do me a favor?"
"Anything. What is it?" Radar was curious.
"Radar, I need you to..." Andrew then started whispering something in his ear that only Radar could make out. "Got it?"
"Got it, sir."
"Okay sir, let's get this over with," Klinger declared. "Take five folks!"
"Come with me Klinger," Andrew motioned Klinger to follow, which he did while Radar took the plastic tank and walked off with it.
"Sir, you aren't gonna tell the Colonel, are you?" Klinger wondered nervously.
"Don't be ridiculous Klinger. This is something we can settle as civil adults," Andrew brought Klinger to the other side of the OR building. "Klinger, you know it's not in my power to grant you a discharge."
"So I've heard sir," Klinger cried. "But I bet I can change your mind. Huh?"
"Sorry, no can do Klinger," Andrew shook his head. "Look, if something is bothering you, you can come out and tell me. But please, don't do this to yourself."
"You know what's bothering me. Hell, everyone in the 4077 knows what's bothering me," Klinger told him. "I want to get out of this army! I want to go home!"
"All of us want to go home Klinger," Andrew told him calmly. "But there's nothing any of us can do about it."
"Then there's nothing that you can do to change my mind," Klinger said in a declaring manner. "I'm going to burst in flames and there's nothing you can do to stop me!"
"So that's it, huh? That's your final decision?" Andrew asked sternly. "You're gonna throw your life away?"
"That's a little harsh to put it," Klinger murmured. "But if it's the only way, then I must."
"But Klinger-" Andrew started.
"No more buts sir," Klinger hollered. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have an audience to go back to."
"Klinger please," Andrew yelled as Klinger started marching off, with Andrew following him.
Klinger went back to the circle of people that he left, as he announced. "My fair people, I have returned!"
By then, Radar had refilled the tank and put it back to where Klinger left it. Andrew only looked at him with a stern and disappointed look.
"Here's your last chance sir," Klinger dared towards Andrew. "You're gonna try to stop me this time?"
"Well, seeing that you've gotten this far, and I haven't been able to convince you other, there's no point in stopping you," Andrew said, shaking his head and his hands. "So, knock yourself out."
"Better than that, I'll burn myself out," Klinger told him proudly as Radar was standing next to Andrew again. "Okay, let's take it from the top. Don't no one try to stop me this time, okay?"
No one bothered to, as Klinger grabbed the tank, got the cap off, and dumped the liquid on top of them. He was expecting it to be water, but from what he tasted, it was anything but.
This wasn't water. No, it was 'actually' gasoline. Real gasoline. This realization got Klinger all worked up as he was now covered in gasoline. He didn't expect this to happen. This wasn't what he planned. After spitting the stuff that got into his mouth, he started panicking.
"WHO PUT GASOLINE IN MY GASOLINE!" Klinger bellowed as the people started smirking.
"No, stay back. Anyone with a match, stay back," Klinger backed away from the crowd when he saw someone smoking a cigar. "You with the cigar, keep away from me! I'm liable to burst out into flames! Don't come near me!"
Then just as expected, Klinger bolted and headed straight for the shower tent to wash off the gasoline that he was covered in. Unfortunately, the shower was being occupied by a lady, who was heard screaming and running out of the shower tent with a towel draped around her chest and waist. This got some of the people to burst out in laughter, except for Andrew.
"Well Radar, good job filling it with gasoline," Andrew told the company clerk as the crowd dispersed. "I don't think Klinger's gonna try that one again."
"You said it, sir," Radar said simply.
"Now, if you don't mind, I got to unwind for a bit," Andrew sighed. "The session in OR, plus what Klinger was going to do to himself has left me a little exhausted. So I need to rest up for a bit in my tent."
"Sure thing," Radar commented. "And don't worry. Leave everything to me. Regarding surprise for Major Burns, and whatnot."
"I know you do," Andrew started to walk off. "See you around Radar."
Radar gave him a similar farewell as Andrew went back to his tent. Once he was gone, Radar headed back to his office to take care of some stuff before the surprise could get underway. They could only wonder how things would go from here...
IN THE MESS TENT - 19:56
Later on that evening, in the mess tent, it would appear that the surprise Radar had planned out had already been set up. It wasn't much. Just a couple of drinks. And there were only a couple of people attending this time around.
Aside from Andrew and Radar, there was Margaret, Father Mulcahy, and even Henry were there with them. Truth be told, the Colonel was wondering whether or not he truly did seem okay by this, with the way he's been asking Radar about it.
"Radar? Are you absotively sure that I okay'd this little arrangement?" Henry queried.
"It's on your desk sir," Radar said.
"Right," Henry murmured, getting himself a glass of booze to drink. "I'll try to forget about it come tomorrow morning."
"I expect that sir," Radar told him.
"Alright. So I think that's all set," Andrew dusted his hands off.
"You better go get Frank, darling," Margaret told him. "He's the only thing we need for this arrangement."
"That and the captains," Andrew murmured. "And I'm not sure if they're on good terms yet."
"Hmmm...couldn't help to check it out," Father Mulcahy suggested. "Perhaps the Lord could provide them some forgiveness for the other."
"That would be amazing Father," Andrew sighed as he stood up. "Well, I better go get Frank and the captains."
"I'll go with you sir," Radar followed him. "You know? For moral support?"
"Good idea Radar," Andrew remarked. "Maybe we'll get through to them and find out what the meaning of their feuding is."
"Gotcha sir." Radar nodded.
With that, they left the mess tent and headed straight for the Swamp. Once they were gone, it got quiet between Henry, Margaret, and Father Mulcahy, except for Henry clinking his glass of booze and guzzling it down. Seeing how silent it has gotten, Father Mulcahy decided to lighten things up for them before Frank got here.
"If I may make a suggestion," the Father cleared his throat. "I think we should say grace to pass the time."
Neither the head nurse nor the colonel objected to that, as Mulcahy took their silence as their approval. And so, he clasped his hands together and got started with his speech.
"Ahem...Dear thy Lord," Mulcahy started. "We are very grateful for this opportunity that you have bestowed upon us in this little surprise for one of the Majors. We are gracious enough to honor thou young man's soul who was brought into this world on this very day. And for that, we are grateful for your gift and your blessing."
"Amen," Margaret said silently.
"Uhhhh, you know what else I'm grateful for," Henry commented as he poured a second glass of booze for himself. "That this booze happens to be the best damn booze to have hit this side of Korea."
"Colonel, don't drink all that booze. It's for the surprise we're giving for Major Burns," Margaret warned him in a deadpanned. "Besides, you know what drinking that stuff does to you, sir."
"Don't I know it, missy," Henry murmured. "I'll need black coffee, and a glass of antacid and water mixed to fight off the hangover that I'll be getting come tomorrow."
Margaret could only roll her eyes at this since there was no way she could make him change his mind, especially since he technically outranks him. And while she could go over his head, she chose not to because today was Frank's birthday.
"Well Colonel, the Lord had bestowed some distilled water for our sanctuary as well," Father Mulcahy said sheepishly. "And for that, we should be grateful."
"I'll certainly drink to that Father," Henry gulped down and slurred. "Here here. Amen. And whatnot."
Margaret shook her head and sighed as Henry continued to drink, while Father Mulcahy stood there silently with his hands clasped together to pray in his thoughts. All they could do now was wait for Andrew and Radar to come back with Frank, along with Hawkeye and Trapper. They hoped the two captains will be on better terms by the time they showed up, so things will be in better spirits for everyone...
IN THE SWAMP:
Meanwhile, in the Swamp, things were pretty quiet in there, all things considered. While Frank was sitting in a chair polishing his boots, Hawkeye and Trapper were in their cots, still not on speaking terms with the other. This kind of tension was what got Frank in a better mood in the first place. He didn't want it to end here.
Of course, just like everything else, all good things had to come to an end, even though this was only good for Frank. This happened when Andrew entered the Swamp with Radar accompanying him. They decided not to get straight to the reason they were there, seeing that the sour tension was still in the air between the captains. So Andrew decided to start things off in a formal manner.
"Evening guys," he started. "It's pretty nice out tonight, isn't it?"
"Oh yes it is Major," Frank spoke up first. "Never felt this good in a long time."
"Hmph," Hawkeye and Trapper huffed.
"Right," Andrew said sheepishly as he tugged on his collar. "So uh, has everything been worked out between you guys?"
"You bet it has Major Peterson," Frank said, polishing his boot. "Us war buddies have been having a swell time."
"Yeah. The war buddies Frank's referring to is rather one-sided," Hawkeye spoke up. "As in, Trappper's no war bud of mine."
"And Hawkeye's no war bud of mine either," Trapper retorted.
"So I guess you haven't," Andrew groaned. "Okay you two, I see that you have let whatever's going on come between you two and ruin whatever friendship you have."
"You know what has come between us," Hawkeye asked rhetorically. "Being called a sore loser by the one person I thought was my comrade."
"Almost as much as having who was my best friend always getting the last word out and it gets under my skin," Trapper spat.
"Now that was a lie!" Hawkeye protested.
"There! See?! You've done it again," Trapper gripped. "You just can't keep your mouth shut for one second, can you?"
"Maybe I would if it wasn't for knowing what my bunkmate truly thinks of me," Hawkeye hissed.
"I feel the same way bub," Trapper sneered.
"No more than I feel about you." Hawkeye retorted.
"Fellas! Fellas! Please!" Radar hollered. "You two shouldn't be fightin'. Your friends. You fight the war together."
"Ah don't bother runt," Frank scoffed. "Their friendship is over. That's all history. This is how it's supposed to be, and frankly, I prefer it this way."
"Well I don't," Radar told him. "They shouldn't be fightin' like this. They're best friends."
"Oh, go be mushy elsewhere," Frank snorted.
"Frank, hush," Andrew told him before facing the captains again. "Now Captains, either you two are gonna forgive each other, or not."
"I'm gonna go with not," Hawkeye proclaimed.
"Me too," Trapper agreed. "Better than being with someone who happens to be a two-timer!"
"Look who's talking," Hawkeye fired back. "That's coming from someone who isn't an honest comrade like I thought he was!"
"I could say the same thing," Trapper spat. "Only it isn't necessary, since your doing all the work for me."
"I've done more work in OR than you could ever dream of," Hawkeye retorted. "So don't get into that!"
"I've done as much work as you have in OR, if not more," Trapper sneered. "So buzz off."
"Maybe I should buzz off to another war. Or better yet, back to Crabapple Cove!"
"Which is also a crummy sewage hole."
"Don't talk about a place you've never been to, you rat fink!"
"Idiot!"
"Liar!"
"Mouth-breather!"
"Stool pigeon!"
"LARD BUTT!"
"NUTCASE!"
"KNUCKLEHEAD!"
"NINCOMPOOP!"
"JACKASS!"
"BACKSTABBER!"
"ENOUGH! ENOOOOOOOOUGH!" Andrew roared, getting them to stop. "Now this is unacceptable, and I will not allow this to continue! So you two better cut it out right now, OR ELSE THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY! AM I UNDERSTOOD!?"
Andrew started panting and catching his breath from yelling for a couple of moments while Hawkeye and Trapper shut their mouths on the spot, surprised and shocked by Andrew's sudden outburst.
"Ridiculous. Completely and utterly ridiculous. That's what this is," Andrew said in shame and disgust. "Look at you two. Don't you see what a couple of jackasses you two are being? If anything, both of you are nincompoops."
Hawkeye and Trapper took a second to glance at each other while Andrew continued.
"This is utterly pathetic you guys. You two are supposed to be friends. Best friends rather," Andrew chewed them out some more. "And you decided to act like a couple of stinkers. I don't know what the hell has gotten into you two, but for your sake, it'd best stop, and it's gonna stop right now."
"He's right guys," Radar agreed. "Gee, you thought you know a guy. Then they act like this. Fellas, I come here to talk cause you two are close. Now that your fightin', I don't even think I know either of you anymore. Gee whiz, it makes me sick. That's how I feel! Sick!"
"Well Pierce and McIntyre," Andrew gave them a stern glare. "Do either of you have something to say for yourselves?"
It was at this point where Hawkeye and Trapper started feeling guilty for letting it get this far. All this over something silly, which was intended to get Frank in a better mood. Was it worth ending their friendship over something so foolish? Would they 'really' be able to live with themselves knowing how they've been acting for the day? From the looks of it, they weren't pleased with their behavior.
After spending a moment or so giving each other nervous and remorseful glances, they finally looked towards Andrew and Radar and both of them found their voices.
"Uhhhh Andrew, and Radar? To tell you two the truth," Hawkeye spoke first. "We 'really' aren't mad at each other."
"He's right," Trapper agreed. "We didn't end our friendship."
"Okay," Andrew pinched the bridge of his nose. "Then tell me what this was all about?"
"We were just pretending to feud with each other," Hawkeye exclaimed.
"It was meant for us to give Frank a decent birthday present," Trapper added.
"You hear that Frank," Hawkeye told him. "We wanted you to be in better spirits."
"And it was going so great," Frank complained. "Until you guys showed up and put a stop to it."
"Now Frank, don't get excited," Andrew warned him. "And as for you two, I understand that you wanted to do something to get Frank in a better mood. But was it worth all the aggravation and irritation being displayed?"
"Now that you mention it, Andrew, it wasn't worth it," Hawkeye sighed before turning to face Trapper. "Trapper, I'm sorry that I acted irritably and like a jackass to you."
"I should apologize too," Trapper admitted. "For saying that you were a sore loser who had to get the last word."
"Yeah. And to show how truly sorry I am Trap, I'm gonna let you have the last word this time." Hawkeye promised.
"Well thanks, Hawk," Trapper thanked him. "I appreciate that from you pal."
Hawkeye didn't say a word, as he was keeping his promise.
"Good. Now can you two shake hands and make peace?" Andrew wondered.
"Well, oh what the heck," Hawkeye brought his hand out. "Here's to peace between the two of us."
"Sure. I couldn't stay mad at you forever either," Trapper shrugged casually before reaching his hand out.
With that, the two captains decided to shake hands, which meant that they were sorry and that they made peace. Frank was a little upset about this as he frown.
"What about me? What about putting me in a better mood?" Frank complained.
"Oh right," Hawkeye looked at Frank. "Happy birthday Frank."
"Yeah, happy birthday Frank," Trapper told him.
"Hmph! Thanks a lot," Frank grumbled before facing Andrew and Radar. "Some birthday this turned out to be! This is your fault! My birthday was going great before you two decided to ruin it! This birthday's been shot to hell because of you!"
"Now Frank, don't point the finger at us," Andrew defended. "It was gonna be settled out eventually, and there was nothing you could've done about it. So just accept it!"
"Oh, go soak your head Major," Frank spat as he headed for the door.
"Hey Frank, before you go," Hawkeye got him to stop and look at him. "Just want to warn you that I snuck a lizard in your cot, my contribution to your birthday."
"You think that's somethin' Frank," Trapper snorted jokingly. "I snuck a snake in your pillow. My birthday treat."
"Oh...you guys," Frank sneered. "I knew it was too good to be true!"
With that, Frank stormed out of the Swamp and walked off. This got Andrew a little tense.
"Frank, wait a minute!" Andrew hollered before turning to face the captains. "You guys better head to the mess tent. Our surprise for Frank is waiting for him there."
"Right. Frank's little surprise. How could we have forgotten?" Hawkeye smirked.
"Must've slipped our minds," Trapper added. "We would have brought a cake with a whoopee cushion in it if they had any in Korea."
"Right," Andrew rolled his eyes, glad that they were on good terms again. "Just get your keisters to the mess tent, on the double. Come on Radar. Let's go get Frank before he runs off again."
"Yes, sir," Radar obliged as Andrew walked out of the Swamp, following right behind him.
"Well, shall we make our way to the mess tent?" Hawkeye stood up and went for the door.
"We might as well," Trapper shrugged his shoulders before following Hawkeye. "Don't want to be late on a first date, especially when it's for Frank."
"Yeah," Hawkeye opened the door. "After you Trapper."
"Thank you Hawkeye," Trapper gave him a smirk before walking out, with Hawkeye following right behind him.
They then headed for the mess tent where they were to wait for Frank to be escorted there by Andrew and Radar. They were wondering how this would turn out for him...
As far as Frank was concerned, he was seen stomping through the compound, upset with how things went downhill for his birthday. To think that this year was at least an improvement for him, what with his two bunkmates arguing.
And yet that couldn't last long since Andrew made sure that they made amends with one another. Frank wasn't being a mope like he was earlier. This time, he was feeling bitter and distasteful about what happened just a couple of minutes ago.
He continued stomping off, even when Andrew was able to catch up to him, and he was heard hollering out for him to stop.
"FRANK WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT A MINUTE!" Andrew yelled as he caught up to him.
"What do you want Major?" Frank asked bitterly. "Shouldn't you be peddling your fishes?"
"Oh come on Frank," Andrew yelped with Radar right behind him. "Look, I'm sorry that I had to do that. I am. But it had to be done."
"Sure it did. What's next? Your gonna crush every last enjoyable thing that I have in this war?" Frank queried irritably.
"I don't have it in me to do that," Andrew deadpanned. "Look, come with me to the mess tent, and you'll see how wrong you are."
"Like I'd go there with either of you," Frank scoffed. "Especially since an enlisted man is accompanying a superior officer."
"Frank? Radar's here because he offered to help out," Andrew told him sternly. "I don't want to start any trouble. So it would help if you'd just come to the mess tent with us."
"Forget it, Major," Frank brushed off. "I'm not going anywhere with you, or with the corporal, or with anyone here. So just leave me alone."
"Frank? Have I ever lied to you before?" Andrew questioned him while furrowing his eyebrows. "Have I ever held everything you've done to me against you, even after so much time has gone back? Would I be wasting my time talking with you right now if it wasn't true? Would I have stayed here if I didn't want to work things out? Especially since morale around here is important?"
"Well..." Frank had trouble coming up with an answer, not that Andrew wanted one since he answered for him.
"The answer is no Frank. I haven't," Andrew gave him the truth. "If I wasn't half the courteous man that I am right now with trying to make things right and keep morale in check, I would have moved out of this compound and got transferred to another unit a long time ago. Does that answer your question?"
"Well...I guess..."
"I hope so," Andrew remarked. "Because right now in the mess tent, there's a surprise waiting for you there."
"Surprise?" Frank questioned.
"That's what I said," Andrew said.
"Yeah right. 'Surprise' my foot," Frank huffed. "It's probably some sort of prank set up to get me on my birthday."
"Uh, I think you've forgotten what I told you before," Andrew said in annoyance. "I've never set up a prank for you before. I never set up pranks on anyone regularly. And in case you've forgotten, the only reason I pranked those captains was because they left me without a tent on my first night at the 4077."
"Oh, believe me, Major," Frank stuttered nervously. "I haven't forgotten."
"Good. Because let me assure you, it's not a prank," Andrew told him. "You can trust me, Frank. This is not a practical joke. I promise. You have nothing to worry about. Nothing will happen to you in the mess tent."
"Uhhhh...you sure about that?" Frank had to double-check.
"I'm positive," Andrew nodded.
"Can I trust him?" Frank pointed towards Radar. "The corporal that is."
"Sure you can," Andrew said casually. "He's trustworthy. He's on our side."
"I was drafted like that sir." Radar commented.
"So what do you say Frank," Andrew wondered. "Will you give it a chance?"
"Well..." Frank had to think for a moment to come up with a good answer for it. Should he give it a chance without being so paranoid? Did he have anything to lose for it? Especially since so much was lost already?
After a few moments, Frank finally gave him his answer. "...okay."
"Really? You mean it?" Andrew queried.
"Yes. But only on the condition that this isn't a joke just to humiliate me," Frank proclaimed. "If it is, then I'm leaving."
"Trust me, Frank. You can count on it not being a joke to humiliate you," Andrew promised him. "Now come on."
Andrew motioned Frank to follow him and Radar to the mess tent, which he reluctantly did. He could only hope that this could go by quickly and painlessly without any further embarrassment after what happened recently. That's all that was on his mind as he followed...
It only took a couple of moments, but they made it to the mess tent. Frank was confused by how quiet it was in there, as Andrew opened the door and allowed Frank and Radar to enter, which they did.
But the biggest surprise for Frank came when the lights were turned on, along with what happened after that.
"Surprise," everyone yelled; some were more enthusiastic than others.
Frank was a little taken aback by this. "What is this?"
"What does it look like?" Andrew asked rhetorically. "It's a surprise for you. Since it's your birthday."
"I don't understand," Frank was rather confused by this.
"You don't have to Frank," Margaret told him calmly. "We decided not to do a party again after what happened last time, so this was the best solution."
"Margaret?" Frank was shocked. "You remembered my birthday?"
"Sure I did," she told him. "Why shouldn't I?"
"Well, because you and Peterson, and well, you know..." Frank tried saying.
"Frank, she did this because she wanted to," Andrew explained. "And as she said, this couldn't be something big since the party last time didn't work out since it fell apart."
"And besides, we couldn't miss seeing our khaki wearing Ferret Face feel left out," Hawkeye told him.
"Especially since we got the last laugh on you," Trapper admitted. "With how we faked that feud."
"Stuff it you animals," Margaret sneered.
"Kiss me Hot Lips," Trapper teased her.
"Save some of your kisses for me," Hawkeye joined in on the teasing.
"Alright! That's quite enough!" Andrew barked.
"Oh, why can't I stay mad at you two lugs," Frank remarked.
"See, even he agrees," Hawkeye pointed out sardonically.
"The point is that this was arranged for your birthday Frank," Andrew told him. "Even though it's not that big, it's something at least."
"The Major's right," Henry slurred, drunk on booze. "You have no idea what we went through to set this up. I mean Radar left some papers on my desk. Uhhhh, Radar?"
"Later sir," Radar told him. "Tomorrow."
"Oh, right," Henry stammered before settling down.
"Frank? Does this convince you?" Andrew wondered.
"Well, I guess so..." Frank said hesitantly.
"Good. Now take a chair and sit down. Have a drink too," Hawkeye encouraged.
"Before Henry drinks it all," Trapper retorted dryly.
"Something that I warned him not to do," Margaret muttered under her breath.
"Well, in my defense, I didn't drink all of it," Henry gargled.
"Just sit down Frank," Andrew said dully.
Frank didn't say a word as he just sat down in a chair. He had to wonder if there was any purpose to this. Then he remembered that it was his birthday. He decided not to argue about it, since he wasn't in the mood to do that. It was then Father Mulcahy got their attention and decided to say something about this.
"Perhaps now is a good time for us to say grace," Mulcahy stated. "After all, everyone is here."
"Except for Klinger," Andrew brought up.
"Hey, now that I think of it," Henry slurred. "Where is that Lebanese American anyway?"
"He's probably upset that his latest scheme at getting a Section 8 didn't work," Andrew exclaimed. "It was doused with gasoline. Thanks to Radar."
"Well, sir I did what you'd told me," Radar uttered.
"Is that so? Well, even then, it wouldn't have been able to fly with me," Henry stammered while chuckling.
"Not that it'd be able to if he's caught up in flames," Hawkeye said dryly.
"I just hope he has a spare pair of bloomers on hand," Trapper deadpanned. "Specifically ones that are fire-proof."
"Right," Andrew tugged on his collar.
"I suppose it's quite alright if I give it again," Father Mulcahy wondered.
"Go on ahead Father," Andrew encouraged. "It makes no never mind to any of us."
"Glad to hear your support Major Peterson," Mulcahy told him while smiling. "Well, here goes nothing."
And so Father Mulcahy gave his lecture again, the same one that he gave earlier, before Andrew and Radar came back with Frank, and before Hawkeye and Trapper put an end to their feud and came to the mess tent. Nothing else was discussed amongst the majority of those that were in the mess tent.
"See Frank? Wasn't this a good idea," Andrew said. "I told you that this wasn't a practical joke."
"Well, when your right, your right," Frank chuckled lightly.
"Yeah," Andrew smiled sheepishly. "It's good to know that you are having a good time at least."
"You could say that." Frank simply said.
"It is your birthday after all," Andrew said.
"Hey uh, Major? There's something else that I've been meaning to tell you," Frank uttered.
"Well go on Frank. I'm all ears," Andrew encouraged. "What's on your mind?"
Frank made sure that no one else could listen to him. Everyone else was so preoccupied at the moment, that it wouldn't have mattered. Because of that, Frank came out and told it to Andrew softly.
"I want to thank you for this," Frank said. "No honest. I mean it truthfully Major. I want to thank you for making this possible."
"Hey, it was nothing," Andrew told him sincerely. "It was my pleasure. And there was nothing to it."
"That's good. I mean, this is better than nothing," Frank muttered. "At least compared to my previous birthdays."
"I know. I know," Andrew sighed. "Now let's just enjoy what's left of today, alright?"
"I guess so," Frank said. "Alright."
"Great," Andrew remarked.
Nothing else went on for the duration of the evening. Things went as they should. Andrew has been at the 4077 for quite some time, but it was clear that he was well beyond adjusted to the unit by this point. There was still plenty that could happen there with what little time there was left of the war. But Andrew was gonna try to make the most of it and would try his hardest to keep morale from plummeting. That was a given...
END OF CHAPTER 48...
Yeah, that's it for this chapter. I sure hope that this chapter was an improvement over the previous chapter being a huge disappointment. I wasn't too fond of it either, so I'll understand.
I was serious when I said Henry would have a small role here since he wouldn't fit in for parts of this story. For instance, the part where Klinger was dumping gasoline on himself wound up using Andrew in his place since that position was more for Sherman Potter. And since Colonel Potter's not here, Andrew decided to fill in for him. That being said, Henry had a very small role here, and for that matter, so did Margaret. Still, I hope you enjoyed what is made up of this chapter.
Also, I wanted to do this type of chapter since over time, I started to feel sorry for Frank, and most of the viewers start feeling bad for him too after a while. I mean sure, he is an ass and a hypocrite for sure. No changing that. But at the same time, he's so pathetic that it's still easy to feel sorry for him, especially since there have been occasions where he's been right about a situation. And while the show wants us to see him as the one guy everyone should hate, with how he's written, he comes off as unintentionally sympathetic on most scales.
That being said, I started getting bored with having Frank constantly tortured from chapter to chapter; something that has gone stale, so this is what I've been doing. I hope this makes sense.
One more thing and I might've said this before, but this chapter shows how it would have gone had Frank gotten some character development. Don't get me wrong, I like Charles and what they did with that character and for all his ego, Charles is not a bad person underneath, even though he hides it to save his pride. Still, I do like Frank, and I feel that they could've done something, but they didn't. That's why I've been doing chapters like this.
Anyway, enough with my rant. The next chapter is gonna involve practical jokes. Of course, Hawkeye and Trapper will be the main proprietors. But there will be some involvement from Andrew and while I haven't fleshed out the ideas yet, there will also feature Margaret learning a thing or two on setting up her practical jokes on the captains, thanks to Andrew, which will help develop that side of her character. If you're wondering how that will all go, you'll have to find out next time!
For now, only if you want to, you can leave a review. It makes no difference to me whatsoever by this point.
Otherwise, that's all folks. So until next time, I hope you've been enjoying what I've been typing or trying to, and on that note, thanks again for reading everyone!