WARNING: self-mutilation, depression, drugs, anxiety, and alcoholism.
If this is all too much for you, please don't read this story.
_
Summary: "I wanted to change so, I walked away. It was giving me hell so, I gave it the same." Emma's life turned upside down when she was only 13 years old and since that the only feeling she has is hate. Not even her mother likes her so something must be wrong with her, right? Emma has too many demons... She hates everything and especially herself. The only good thing in her life is her job. She is a pastry chef in one of Chicago's restaurants and working there, doing what she loves the most is the only thing that makes her forgets how fuck up her life truly is. Inspired By The Tv Show "Sharp Objects". You may see some references from the show here.
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A/N: Hey you, here's a new one SwanQueen's story. Hope you like it. So, English is not my first language, I don't have a Beta so, I'm doing everything by myself. Grammar may be a bit wrong sometimes, but I'm trying!
Enjoy the first chapter and let me know what you think.
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She was faster than her sister, and she was flying through the silent street with her little sister. She could hear Everly laughing behind her, and that was always a sweet sound. She loved her sister's laugh, it was so innocent and sweet. Evelyn was always happy. And soon, they were holding hands while riding their bikes, they were close to home, when suddenly a black car came from nowhere, they didn't have time to jump to the side or to dodge the car, Evelyn wasn't so fast and soon, Emma felt her small hand slip through hers and everything was too fast. Evelyn was lying on the floor, with blood on her head, and the back car was nowhere to see.
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Emma jumped out of the bed, running late for work. She needs to be at the restaurant in 20 minutes, and she didn't have time to take a bath… Emma Swan doesn't take showers, it hurt her skin so she wouldn't have time for a bath. She washed her face and brushed her teeth… Her breath smells like the bottle of bourbon she drank last night.
She put on some black skinny jeans, her gray long sleeves shirt, and an old pair of black converse. She grabbed her purse, searching for the mint gun inside, and ran to her yellow wrangler.
It was Friday, finally, and outside was hot, 86 degrees. But Emma was always in long sleeves. She had an Advil for her headache and a mint gun for her Bourbon breathe, it helps... And this morning wasn't different.
As she parks her car in front of the restaurant, she drank a whole bottle of water and went to start another day at work.
Emma Swan Nolan, 32 years old, and ahead Chef at a restaurant in Chicago. She came from a small town in Missouri, and now she was one of the best Chef and even with her demons, she was good at cooking. Her staff loved her, and she was the apple of her boss's eyes. Working there for so long, she now has a family. Killian, her sous chef was her best friend, and he was the only one who knew her 100%. He always knew when she was in a bad hangover, or when she was having a bad anxiety attack. So, he was Emma's best friend.
"Morning, Swan." Felix, an old man in his fifties greeting her at the door. He was her boss.
"Hey, Felix. Good morning." she walked passing him, went straight to the kitchen, with him following.
"You're late."
"I know, I'm sorry, my alarm didn't go off."
"Are you ok?" Felix knew she has some personal problems, some with alcohol, but she was a professional, so they never had a problem before. But he is always worry.
"Yeah, I'm good." She smiled at him, and Killian walked into the kitchen.
"Oh good morning, love. Good morning, Felix."
"Good morning, Killian." Felix turned to Emma. "If you see anything wrong with this one, send her home."
"I-"
"You got it." Felix left the kitchen leaving the two chefs alone for the day. "How much did you drink last night?"
"I didn't..." She would deny, but as soon as she look at Killian, she knew it wouldn't make any difference to lie. "Just a bottle of bourbon. I spent my night doing nothing, relaxing and that's all. I'm fine."
"If you say so. You know you can always call me if things get too dark." and she really could. She did it twice when she couldn't handle her demons anymore, it was too much. She was already drunk, she was bleeding from cut herself and she was crying no stop. She does have more demons than everyone could imagine. Her life was never easy. Emma Swan was not a happy girl.
"Thank you." she smiled, but it didn't search her eyes. This was her main focus. Her work. This is the only place where she can forget how fuck up her life really was. A dead sister, a mother who doesn't give a damn about her... And the problems she got on the way, like anxiety, and self-mutilation. She knows one day she will probably bleed until death, and sometimes she can't wait for this day to come.
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The day was busy, and Emma was glad. Everything to take her mind away from her sad life. She was crazy to drink something, wine, vodka, anything, but at work, she couldn't do that, she respect Felix and her workplace. They would be open in 30 minutes, everything was ready, the whole staff was there, and while she was drinking a coffee, her cellphone rang, she thought about ignoring it, but she picked it up.
"Hello?"
"Emma?" a female voice she didn't recognize was through the phone. She thought about rang up, but something was telling her to talk to this woman.
"Yeah, it's her. Who is it?" now, coffee abandoned.
"I don't know if you remember me, but it's Ruby, my Granny-"
"Ruby, I remember." Emma interrupted the woman. Of course, she remembers Ruby. They grow up together, and Granny worked for her family for years. That was a strange call.
"Right! Good! I-I'm calling because Granny thinks you should know what is happening with your father."
"My father? What is wrong with him?" If this call was about her mother, she would send the woman to hell. She didn't want anything to do with the woman, but her father... Well, that was something she wants to know.
"Yeah, well, he found out his heart is not working properly, and he's getting tired more often. Last week he passed out in the middle of the field on the stable, and your mother sent him to see a doctor and long story short, your father needs surgery."
"What? Surgery? What he needs a transplant?"
"Not really, they need to fix a valve in his heart."
"Oh..." Emma frowned. She couldn't understand now why Ruby was calling. Her father's surgery was easy, wasn't it?
"Yeah, and Granny thinks would be good for David if you were here. I mean, he misses you very much, Emma. He talks a lot with Granny about you, and I Know things with Mary Margareth is not good, but... He's your father. It'd be a good thing if you were here before the surgery."
"What? You think it's a good idea for me to go back to Wind Gap?" Emma rolled her eyes, this wasn't necessary. "I can't do back there, Ruby. So, I-I'll call him. It's the all?"
"No, Emma. You don't understand. You need to be here... Your father needs you!"
"Look, I need to get back to work. I'll call my dad later." Emma didn't have time for this. She can't go back to her hometown. She couldn't. And she couldn't handle her mother again.
"Please, think about it. It's... Emma, David needs you. You already have my number, his surgery is next month. Please, come back."
"I have to go." Emma hung up and stared at her phone for a few seconds. That was too weird. It's been 10 years since she left town, 10 years without talking to her parents, her family. She knew she had a sister, she met the girl when she was a little girl and a brother she never met. That town was her cancer and she didn't want to go back.
Flashback
"Look, I love my cheerleading uniform. What do you think, mama?" 15 years old Emma just got her position on the cheerleading and was excited to show it to her mother. It was another morning at Nolan's house. And Granny was making breakfast. Her dad was already sitting at the table, and her mother was pouring him a bit of coffee.
"Wow... You look great, Emma." her dad said, smiling at her.
"You look pretty, duckling," Granny said, and she smiled at them. But her mama has always been distant and didn't give Emma the attention the girls needed. No, she only looked at her oldest, stared at her for a few seconds, before turned back to her newspaper.
End.
"Are you ok?" Killian asked Emma as soon as she got back to the kitchen.
"No... I mean, yeah..." The call made her want to drink another bottle of bourbon.
"What's it?"
"Hey guys, our first clients are coming. The restaurant is already open." Claire, one of the waitresses walked into the kitchen, getting some napkins.
"Thanks, Claire. We're ready." Killian smiled at the girl and turned back to Emma. "Hey..."
"I got a call," Emma said, chopping some of the vegetables without looking at Killian. "A call from fucking Wind Gap. Can you believe it?" She gave a nervous chuckle, and Killian let her talk. "My father needs heart surgery to fix something whatever it is, and they called me? Can you believe it? I mean, ME? I have nothing do to with him, with them, or that fucking town. And do you won't know the best part?" she chuckled nervously again, and stop chopping to look at Killian. "They want me to go there. They think it's a good idea for me to go back. Fuck them!" Emma sighed and got back to chopping her vegetables. Killian didn't say anything for a few minutes, but he knew he needs to because Emma could do something she may regret in the future.
"So, your father, the only one that cares about you. The only one who was there for you when the demons start. The only one..."
"Can you go to the fucking point?" Emma throw her knife at the sink and turned at Killian.
"Emma, your father needs surgery and they called you to tell you this. Don't you think this is serious? I mean could he die or something? Why would they call you after so many years to tell you that? To ask you to go back? Think about it. I know you hate your mother and everything that happened, but it's your dad. You love him and I see this as a chance to see him again. Maybe get some closure with that town? With your mother? I don't know... All I'm saying is that, don't do anything you may regret later. It's your father, Emma."
"I already did a lot of things I regretted. Like, tell you about this fucking call." Emma throw her spoon at the sink and turned furious at Killian. She wasn't mad at him, she was mad at herself and her fuck up life. "Leave me alone."
"You know I'm telling the truth, Swan! Stop being so stubborn."
She didn't say anything anymore, but she spent the whole day thinking about that call, and how much she wish she could have a bottle of vodka. She was stress... That call didn't bring anything good for her, no, it only bring more stress and more anxiety. DAMN! She hates her family and that fucking town. Living there was like living with the devil itself. Her mother never liked her, and that town only brought bad memories for her. She couldn't go back. No! She wouldn't go back and that was her final decision.
Killian tried to talk to her again, but a middle finger shut him out, and he only shakes his head and told her she could call if need anything. But she only walked out of the Restaurant and went straight to the bar close to her apartment.
She needs something. Emma doesn't do drugs, not anymore, but she knows she has a problem... Actually, she has a lot of problems, but she knows alcohol was one of them. But, she doesn't care, she doesn't have much to live for. She has a good job that she loves very much, but that was it. She was tired of living like this, she tried therapy once, she really did. She spent 4 years in therapy, but the medicine always made her feel sleepy, tired, always in bad moods... So, one day, she gave up. And since then, she is trying on her own. Well, things aren't good like she wants it, but it was enough. She was on her fifth glass of vodka, and her legs were shaking like crazy, she knew what was coming, her breathing was getting agitated and she finished her glass, living a bill at the counter, and left the bar without talking to anyone. She usually didn't — She doesn't make friends at places like this.
Crossing the street, Emma went to her car and drove fast to her apartment. Why Ruby had to call her? Why? She didn't want to know anything about her family, she is fine without them or any news from them. She hates that town, she hates everyone there, she won't go back. Her father doesn't need her, he already has another child. They don't need her there. They don't. Her father doesn't need her that, right? She was sure he doesn't care about her anymore. It's been so long... Why would he want her back? She has pressed her fingers around the wheels so right, that her fingers were getting white. She hates everyone!
She parked her car at her spot and went to the elevator... Her head was spinning and her heart was beating so fast, she was sure she would die right there. A few seconds in the elevator felt like hours in a box. And when it opened, she ran to open her door and as soon as she walk to her apartment, she start to take off her clothes. She was suffocated. She went to her bathroom, letting the cold water fill the bathtub. Emma was having difficulty breathing and she starts to cry without even notice. She was so mad... She wants to scream with herself, with Ruby, with her father for her heart problem. This is all his fault! And then she screams. She falls on the ground next to her bathtub, and scream... She screams for her sad life, for being such a fucking problem. For being nothing. For being hate all these years for her mother. For... EVERYTHING! She started crying for her dead sister again. She hates everyone so much, but especially herself.
She stay in the same position for hours, until she felt the cold water of the tub on her toes. She looked up and turned off the water, and climb on it. It was cold, too cold, but she doesn't care, she needs that. Her skin was already screaming for her to do something, to make her pain go away, and she closed her eyes and sink her head into the water. She needs to stop her thoughts. She needs to make it stop.
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After clean everything. After finally taking a bath, Emma was sitting in her bed, with a — again, another bandage this time in one of her legs. She never cut herself in the same place, no, her whole body has already been cut. There are marks from the shoulders to her feet. So, it's been years and years since she does that to herself. She even manages to cut her back... Yeah, there's a lot. Some of the cuts are words, like broken, fix, waste, weak, hate... Others are just... Cuts that made her bleeding and bleeding.
She was eating grilled cheese and was wearing only a sports bra and underwear. It was hot and the only place she can feel comfortable is at her apartment. She can be herself. And of course, there was a bottle of vodka beside her, it was almost empty, and as soon as she ended her grilled cheese, she drank all her vodka and lay down at her pillow. She felt numb... This was the best feeling for her. Not feeling anything at all. Not thinking about her dead sister, or her mother, or her father... She closed her eyes and let her tiredness embrace her.
"Shh, Everly, you can't make noises. Mama is gonna hear us." Emma was laying on her sister's bed, it was past their bedtime, but they were telling each other's jokes.
"Stop! You always make me laugh." Evie curly herself close to her sister, and Emma hugged her. "You did have a better day than me."
"Nah, you spent the whole day with mama at the stable. I had to work with papa... That's not funny." Emma whispered. Her sister was always with their mother, Mary Margareth has a favorite, but Evie doesn't need to know that right now. She was only 10. She was still a baby.
"Yeah, but dad is so much to be around."
"I know right? He's the best." David always showed his girls how much he love them equally. He really was the best dad, and Emma was glad that at least one of their parents love her.
"And you too. You're the best sister. I love you, Emma." Evie kissed her sister's cheek, and Emma smiled hugging her baby sis tight.
"I love you too, short stuff. Now let's sleep."
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It's been 3 days since the call, and for the first time in years, she was being herself at work and Felix noticed that. Killian told him about what happened to ask for his help to keep an eye on her since their boss was the only one who knows a bit of Emma's life. So in that morning at their meeting, Felix saw how off the blonde was. He was telling them about their daily specials for the day, but only Killian and the others were paying attention. He knows what he needs to do and he was ready to make a decision.
"Emma, my office," Felix said as the crew walked off to start the day.
Without saying anything, Emma walked with Felix to his office and sat at one of the chairs.
"So, what do you need?" she asked. And Felix could see how weird she looks. He thought that maybe she was on drugs, but Killian promised him she doesn't do that in years, so he trust his sous chef.
"What is going on with you? You're not being yourself lately, and for the first time I saw you messed up more than one order last night." Emma started beat her low lip, and her legs started to shake... "I talked to Jillian yesterday and-"
"Oh so, that is all about? Killian? Look, Felix, I'm fine."
"Emma, you are not fine! And I saw that you didn't take your vacation for two years and you have a lot of days to take. I was talking to Killian and we agreed the best for you right now is to take some days off."
"I don't want to, I-I don't need to, Felix." Emma was getting upset. Stay home without a doubt anything wasn't a good thing for her right now.
"Emma... Listen, you don't have to take it all at once, maybe... I Don't know, 20 days? We'll be fine here without you. Killian already called Neal to help and he will start tomorrow. He will stay with us until you feel ok to be back."
"I... Felix. I-I can't. Work every day is the only thing that makes me feel better. And-"
"Go see your father, Emma." and that stops Emma. He was trying to act like he didn't know about the call, but he couldn't see her like that. He wants to help... He cares too much about her to let her destroy herself like that. She was just a kid for him.
"What?"
"I'm sorry, I care too much about you, Emma. I see you're suffering and I think you should go see your father. Your mother can go to hell, but your father..." Felix sighed. "I know you hate that town, but listen, kid, you can do it." Emma was hyperventilating, her head was about to explode. She knows he was right. "You know you can count on me and Killian, we're here to help you without whatever you need. You can always call us." Emma didn't know how Felix knew so much about her, but she doesn't care... She wasn't feeling good. She wants to run. "Is 20 days good for you?"
"Felix..." He walked through her and grabbed her hands.
"Just deep breathe, kid. You can do it." Felix made eye contact with her and she was crying, shaking her head.
"I-I can't... It's too much."
"I know, kid. But listen, it's easy. You don't need to stay at your parent's house. I already saw a small kitchenette downtown and I already booked it for you. You stay there and if it's too much you came back, that's it."
"W-Why?" Emma took a deep breath and close her eyes for a second. "Why are you doing this for me?"
"Oh kid," Felix smiled. "You remind me of my sweet Remy, my youngest. She is exactly like you, I couldn't help her, but I'm not going to let the same happen to you."
"Felix..." Emma was confused. She knows Felix has two children, but no one of them is Remy.
"She killed herself when she was seventeen. Unfortunately, I and my wife didn't saw the signals. It was right in front of us, but we didn't saw them... But I can see them on you, kid and I'd let anything happen to you. So I'm going to do everything I can to help you. I don't want to force you to do this, no, I want to give you a chance, however, I want you to think about your father. Like Killian already told you, don't do anything you may regret." Emma didn't say anything, she only wrapped her arms around Felix and hugged him tightly. Fuck! She wished so many times to died, she always thought no one would miss her, but well, now... She felt bad for some stupid fucking reason.
"I'm sorry for you daughter. And I-I don't know what to think." Emma let him go and cleaned her face with her sleeves. "I miss him so much, I want to see him, I really do. But my mom... She will be there and that fucking town. I'm sure they all hate me... I was nothing but trouble." she chuckled. "I try to do the right thing, but I don't know what is the right thing."
"Kill yourself is not a good thing, kid." Felix smiled and Emma pull her sleeves to hide her marks. "I see you, Emma. And my wife, Kathy can see you too. You know she adores you." Felix smiled. "We're here for you... Just don't tell anyone where you're my favorite." Emma chuckled again and at that moment she saw that Killian wasn't the only one who truly care about her. Why did she never notice that? "Here's the thing, you'll work today, but tomorrow you're off. You came back to my office and I'll give you the details of your accommodation." Felix stand and walked to his table. "Neal will be here tomorrow... And don't worry, kid. He will not get your spot."
"Thank you, Felix. I-I'll talk to you later." Emma smiled at him for a few seconds, before walking out of the office straight to the bathroom to wash her face.
Fuck that town! If they hate her, fuck them, fuck her mother, she can do it! She can go visit her father and come back to Chicago without any problem, right? Fuck! She needs a drink... Splashing more cold water at her face, Emma looks at her reflection in the mirror, and damn she looks like a zombie. Did she finally die? Fuck! She looks awful.
It's hard for her to trust someone, but Felix sounds genuine and he even booked her someplace to stay... All this to stay away from her evil mother. She could try. She can do it. It will be easy! 20 days... If things start to get too much, she can always come back. Fine! She will do back to fuck Wind Gap tomorrow. Fuck them all.
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I'm nervous about this story. Please tell me what you think.
Thank you! x