AN: This fic comes after I had scoured the internet for a twilight fic that discussed self-harm during this time that didn't' leave me annoyed, either in the shortness or lack of care. For this matter, I will be putting TWs at the start and end of parts of scenes depicting the act and will have additional warnings in the AN in the start of every chapter. I hate to say that this work isn't for everyone, but it's not. At the moment I haven't decided if Bella is institutionalized for her issues, but we shall see.

Erik may seem like a horrible choice for Bella's dealer, but I can't help but admit I took the idea from the Spoof movie "Vampires Suck." I thought that part was fucking hilarious and had to pay homage.

CONTENT WARNING: This first chapter contains depictions of self-harm, as well as buying and using drugs.

Chapter 1 Burning to Live

In order to put on the facade that I was doing better, I had to go to school, make dinner, do my homework. It took all my strength to pretend with this pain that never receded. The only time I could take a gasp of air was when I made poor decisions. Erik dealt, and I asked him about it one day in January. He stopped by my truck before school on Monday, stoked with xanax and weed just for me.

"Hey, Erik. How much for three?" I asked as he stooped into the window of my truck.

"15, plus $25 for the eighth" I pulled out my cash as he deposited two small baggies into my hand, gave me a nod, and walked back to his friends. The white bars and mids went into a small pocket inside my backpack, and I headed to get the day over with my constant, but sober, haze. The non-sober hazes were much better.

After pasta was served to Charlie and eaten in silence, I went upstairs, took out one of the pills, and used a razor to cut it in half. I read they were pretty strong and I should try a lower dose at first to be safe.

This is dangerous Bella.

The voice of the angel that I had heard with Jessica in Port Angeles was back. His hand brushed over mine, pain and anger flashing in his eyes. I didn't listen to it, and soon the wave of pain receded. Bliss.

I saved the xans for the worst days, or the days when I was out of weed. I became a regular for both from Erik.

The leaves outside my window had all withered away, and you could hear kids shrieking in delight as they played in the cold snow that recently covered the ground. I had no delight. Charlie was off on a work training trip today and tomorrow and it took all of my energy to unlatch the windows in my room in order to smoke without leaving a lingering scent. Incense was a good investment for this purpose as well, and Charlie just thought I was doing yoga. Doing drugs in the same house as the chief of police was a risk, but I knew if he found out he wouldn't arrest me. He'd probably just send me back to Renee.

The sound of burning bud filled my ears as the smell overtook my entire being. I had all weekend to myself, and I didn't plan on spending it sober. I let the warm numbness wash over me, a voice telling me to not do anything stupid was easily brushed away. I had no need to leave my rocking chair.

My grumbling stomach at 6pm shook me from my haze. I filled another bowl before grabbing some fruit, I didn't have the energy, or the need, to put up a facade of functionality today. I had gotten some rum off of Erik on Monday, just one of those 350ml bottles, and mixed some with diet coke. Still couldn't do caffeine. Being faded was nicer than just being high, sometimes it even allowed me to want to smile, but I never did.

TW

It was 1 am and I was out of weed. I didn't dare sleep, and the pain roared in its absence. I had heard some people talk about how the 'emos' used razors to cut themselves. I had easy access to them as I worked at Newton's, and I had bought a pack out of curiosity. Everyone already called me emo, might as well make it true. Maybe it'll help with the pain.

I tiptoed into the bathroom, my hoodie packed with the blades, alcohol wipes, and some gauze, and a few bandaids. It was cold enough now that long sleeves wouldn't be suspicious, so I peeled back my left wrist and stared. I had a fear of blood, what was I doing?

Bella, don't.

If He thought I shouldn't do it, then that means I will. Maybe I'll hear him again. I washed off my forearm.

Bella. Bella what are you DOING?

I wiped off my blade, not responding to the god in my ear.

Bella, please, please don't hurt yourself. Do you know what this will do to me?

"You don't care about me." I sliced. Superficial. I grew queasy at the sight but continued. I stuck bandaids to the small cuts that were already starting to burn. A new burn.

TW Over

I hobbled back to bed, making sure to hide my supplies, and readied myself for Monday. More weed, sweet sweet green.

The next morning I stumbled out of bed and grabbed my coziest hoodie and went downstairs to make myself some breakfast.

"Bella, why don't you go hang out with Jacob today after school?" Charlie asked me over his morning newspaper and cup of coffee, showing me a singular raised eyebrow. I didn't answer him, instead, stirring around the last few o's in my bowl.

"Bella, you need to get out more. You know Jake; he's a sweet kid. It's supposed to be sunny today, maybe you should drive down and say hi. And it's a friday, you can stay late if you'd like and sleep in tomorrow." I knew if I said no I'd worry Charlie some more.

"Sure Dad, sounds like a great idea. I'll go after school." And with that, I placed my bowl in the sink and grabbed everything I needed for school, including my drug money. I texted Erik and he said he could sice me a few days early. I wonder if Jake smokes, now that I think about it I really know nothing about Jake. He comes over occasionally and has reminded me of our mud pie play dates as children, but I really haven't hung out with him in a while. He better not be a narc.

The school day was excruciatingly slow. I was unaware that any event outside of the norm would keep my mind from shutting off and going into the haze, but somehow today I was damned. I had to endure the bullshit my classmates talked about, their stupid gossip and wretched romantic flings. I didn't care what was happening on "Skins" or who had fucked Tyler. I really didn't need to know that information, especially since I never got to be intimate with him.

By the time the last bell had rung, I was dashing to my truck and pushing it as fast as it would go down to La Push.

Before I could even park Jacob had flung himself out of the red doorway and down the homemade ramp, skidding to a stop by my window with a wildly enthusiastic grin on his face.

"Bellaa!" I squeezed out of my truck and embraced him instead of using my vocal chords.

"Tell me what has you on the Res?"

"You, Jacob. I missed you! You've grown since I've sawn you." I took a step back to survey him. He had to have grown a foot, and he was ripped. My first thought took me to hormone injections, but I didn't think Jacob would do such a thing so I sweeped away the thought.

"It's been a long time, what can I say? Maybe you wouldn't be so surprised if you had shown up earlier you know." Though his words sounded harsh, they were said with no ill intent and his eyes sparkled with excitement to see me.

"Senior year has been kicking my ass. Are you free to hang out today?" I didn't know his face could glow even more than it did, but he somehow managed to be as bright as the sun itself when he grinned and nodded like an eager puppy.

"What would you like to do? I've been working on my Rabbit but we can go to the beach or the river nearby, or watch a show! As long as it's not "Skins" I'm down for anything."

"Today's a nice day, maybe we could take a walk?" And with that we set off towards First Beach, me struggling to keep up with his long gait. We chatted about mundane things - how school was going, how our dads are, and all with no mentions of the Cullens or my changed appearance.

We watched the sun set over the water while sitting on a washed up log about the lengths of two Jacobs, and I almost felt whole. I didn't need a smoke right now, I was present at the moment, and I was laughing. Belly laughing so hard I couldn't breathe and had to clutch Jacob for support to keep myself from keeling over. By the time the sun had disappeared it had gotten chilly, and we walked back for a dinner of chili thanks to Billy.