He was pretty sure that was Steve's voice. Gently chiding but reassuring. He would recognize that voice anywhere. But it wasn't possible right? His friend couldn't possibly be talking to him. He'd left Steve, left the ohana. He was alone in that depressive and musty motel room. No way Steve would have found him after all his efforts to remain hidden, much less be next to him and talking to him. Great, he thought, now you're even hallucinating, Danny Williams. Yet, a small part of him was thankful for his brain misfiring, for he managed to hear his friend's voice again, and not just a replay of the sound of his friend's shocked gasp after getting shot. He peeked open his eyes in hopes to see his partner, but his eyelids were heavy. They fluttered open for a split second, allowing him a preview of a tall figure sitting next to him. Even in the fogginess of his pain-riddled mine, he could tell it was his partner.
"Ste..ve" His throat was as dry as the Sahara as he uttered his partner's name, his hand raised towards the figure he'd seen. He desperately needed this to be real, yet not at the same time. To be absolutely frank, he didn't really know what it was that he wanted. While he needed this to be real, for his friend to be next to him, he knew that was selfish of him to even wish for. He didn't deserve the man Steve was. He didn't deserve to be his friend. His lonely exile was the most befitting punishment for himself. Still, he couldn't stop the small ache in his heart begging and pleading for this to be real.
"I'm right here, buddy. Right here. You're alright." Steve's voice was like music to his ears, comforting the ever present pang in his chest. He felt Steve's firm hand grasp his wrist and he tried again to open his eyes, but they refused to budge. The touch felt real, too real. But it couldn't be. If this was a dream, it was the best dream he'd had in weeks. Steve wasn't painfully groaning, breathing his last, in this one. Steve was fine, sitting next to him. And at that moment, if there was anything Danny was sure of in his life, it's that he never wanted to wake up from this dream. He couldn't prevent the tears that leaked from his eyes, spilling onto his face as he knew he'd have to wake up eventually. Then back it was to his agonizing reality.
...
The more time passed and the longer he looked at an unconscious Danny, the harder it was for Steve to accept that the man he considered his best friend was lying in front of him in such a condition. The nurse had said Danny's condition wasn't life-threatening, but she hadn't known the Danny he did. If she did, she wouldn't have said that. If she did, she would have known that Danny was slipping away, if he hadn't already done so. The man in front of him was not that Danny he met 5 years ago and remained his best friend since. This was a soul-less shell of his friend, Steve could tell, even if his friend was unconscious. Steve thought he had seen Danny looking his worst but nothing could beat this. Nothing.
Danny had a permanent crease fixed on his forehead as he remained stubbornly oblivious to his surroundings. His breathing sounded agonizing, and he occasionally winced when he drew a breath in, releasing a soft moan. And each time Steve had gotten up from his seat and rushed to Danny's side, grabbing his hand and repeating the same words. "I'm right here, buddy. You're alright. You're alright."
The first time Danny had opened his eyes, Steve had been washed with relief. He hadn't really believed the nurses words earlier, not until he saw his partner awake for himself. But the relief had been rather premature as he saw Danny quickly fade away again. The soft whispered "Steve" from his friend almost broke his heart. And watching the tears slide down Danny's face was more than he could take. He had wiped the tears away from his friend's face but he would never forget the pain etched on it. And he would trade places with his partner in a heartbeat, taking all the pain in his place, if he could. Because his friend had suffered enough. Steve just hoped that now, Danny would allow him to help him.
When he finally woke again, it was almost 24 hours later and Steve had remained glued to Danny's side for that long. Danny awoke to pain radiating from the back of his head. His eyelids were still heavy but they were more cooperative this time. He forced them open slowly. The light was a tad too bright for his liking but he blinked several times, adjusting to it. He lifted his hand to the back of his head, only to have his movement restricted. He turned his hand over in front of his face, slightly muddled by the IV catheter inserted into his hand. He had no recollection of what had happened or where he was and before he could figure it out himself, he was faced with his partner's very concerned, very tired eyes staring down at him.
"You're awake." Steve said gently.
Was he still dreaming?
"How're you feeling?" Steve asked.
So many questions were running through his head but he just couldn't bring his mouth to move, nor to say anything. He kind of figured out that he was at the hospital but the why and how were still a little hazy. He swallowed thickly as he tried to understand what his partner was doing there.
"Danny? Danny.. you alright?" Steve asked with growing concern when his friend remained silent. "Give me a second, let me go get the nurse."
Danny stretched his hand out, reaching for Steve's. "St..ve?" Danny said shakily. "Yo..u re..al here?"
Steve's lips curled into a smile yet the furrow in his brows did not go away. "It's me, buddy. I'm here." Steve said. "I'm really here."
Danny wasn't sure what happened or how his friend was standing in front of him. But the only thing running through his head was a greedy request and before he could stop himself, he said it aloud. "St..ay."
Steve nodded. "Not leaving even if you asked me to." Steve said, settling back on the seat next to his partner and pulling it closer to the bed.
"Wh..what happened?" Danny asked.
You tell me, Danno. What the hell happened to you? Steve took a slow breath. "You.. Danno.. So much for.. for asking me not to worry about you. You'll be fine? Hmm? Danny.. when was the last time you had a proper meal, proper sleep?"
Danny looked at him with nothing but a sea of guilt in his eyes, not answering.
"You collapsed. It was only a matter of time with the way I'm guessing you've been treating yourself." Steve said, the gentleness in his voice belying his actual anger towards his friend's disregard for his own health.
Right, he had gone to the store. His head. His chest. They'd hurt so bad. He must not have made it back to his room.
"Lucky for you.. there were people around." Steve breathed. "People willing to help." He didn't want to think of the alternative. "If.. Danny, things could have gone terribly wrong if.. if you'd been left alone. Do you even know that?" He held on to his partner's hand. "When the hospital called.. I thought.. I don't know what I thought, but I was afraid. Afraid I'd been too late. Afraid that I'd lost you for real, for.. forever. Danny, I cannot lose you." Steve continued. "I need you, buddy. And I'm not the only one. Your Grace.. Grace.. she needs you. Are you really giving up on yourself? On us?"
Danny didn't know what to say. What could he say really? How did he tell Steve that he was trying, he was trying really hard but he just couldn't seem to get out of his head he just couldn't seem to get his body to want to live? His heart was trying its hardest to keep him alive while every other cell in his body was working against it. How did he tell Steve that his heart longed for his best friend and his daughter? But his brain wouldn't allow him to even dream about it. How did he tell Steve that he was hurting, he was hurting so so much that giving up would be the only thing easier for him?
"Danny.. say something, please. Anything, buddy.."
Danny couldn't bring himself to say anything. He just couldn't. He couldn't ask his friend for anything else even if he knew what he needed. Help. Even if it was just one word, he couldn't put that on Steve's shoulder. He's indebted enough as it is.
...
Steve gingerly closed the door to Danny's room. His friend had fallen asleep again after another dose of his medicine and Steve was due for some calls now that he'd seen Danny awake.
"Chin."
"Steve! Any updates? How's Danny doing?" Chin asked.
"I.. I don't know Chin." Steve said, transferring the phone from his right hand to his left as he paced the corridor.
"What do you mean? Is he awake? What did the doctor say?" Chin asked, the worry in his tone made Kono and Lou turn to look at him, mirroring his expression.
"No.. it's..it's not that.. He's malnourished and his wound from before is not healing as it should. But that's fixable.. I guess." Steve said.
"That's.. good, right?" Chin asked. "I mean.. it's nothing serious, then?"
"Yeah.. he should be able to get back on his feet with rest and proper care." Steve said. Proper care which he will get this time.
Chin heaved a sigh of relief. "Alright, you know, Lou, Kono and I are gonna wrap up our case here and meet you at the hospital in the evening."
"Alright, I'll call you if there's anything." Steve said.
"Tell Danny we're glad he's okay." Chin said, except Steve wouldn't go that far. He didn't think his partner was okay, nor was he anywhere near it.
He hung up the phone with a sigh before he dialled the next number, his thumb hovering over the call button. What was he supposed to tell Grace? He didn't want to worry her by telling her Danny was in the hospital but he had to tell her that they'd found Danny. The poor girl has been through a lot. But if he told her, she would want to meet him then there would be no hiding anything. Steve was at a complete loss. Maybe not now. Maybe he'd let Danny call her himself. Yes, that's what he would do.
...
"Steve?" Danny called, looking around for his partner. The room was empty and for a moment his heart sank. He could only guess that Steve had left. All for the better, he tried to tell himself. It would make it easier for him to go. He held on to the railing on the side of the bed and pulled himself up, trying to sit up. He looked up when the door opened and Steve entered.
"Hey." Steve rushed to Danny's side when he saw the guy trying to get up. "What are you trying to do?"
"Just tired of lying down." Danny said.
"Alright hold on, let me raise the bed for you."
"You're still here." Danny said, a statement rather than a question.
"You told me to stay." Steve replied. "Feeling better?" He asked.
Danny nodded. He was genuinely feeling better. That was the most restful sleep he had had in a while.
"That's good. Your fever's coming down too." Steve said. "The team's coming over in a bit. You think you might be up for that?"
Danny paused. Team? "Uhh...I..I'm fine..There's n..no need.. Steve. I don't really.."
"Hey.. it's okay. You don't feel like seeing anyone yet?" Steve guessed.
Danny nodded.
"I get it. But Danny, you know they care about you? They were just as worried when you all but disappeared on us. They've been working to find you the past month." Steve paused.
Danny swallowed, again the guilt hammering in his head.
"But it's okay, take your time. I'll ask them to come some other day." Honestly, at this point, Steve was just glad that Danny at least wasn't pushing him away.
"Thank you." Danny whispered, slouching so his face was hidden.
Steve looked at his friend. "And.. Grace?"
Danny looked up at him with anxious eyes.
"Will you see Grace?" Steve asked.
He couldn't see Grace looking like this. No, he just couldn't.
"I haven't told her but I'm sure she'd want to see you..Why don't you give her a call?"
"No." Danny said.
"No?" Steve repeated.
"Do..don't tell her." Danny said.
"What do you mean?" Steve asked.
"I.. don't tell her. I..I'm not staying, Steve."
"What?" He could hardly believe the words he was hearing.
"Once I'm out of here.. it's back to what it was before. I'm not coming back." Danny confessed. "She doesn't need to see me like this."
Steve snorted. His hands cut through the air involuntarily as he tried to search for the right words. He really had no idea what to say. If Danny didn't already look so forlorn, and if he wasn't in the hospital, he probably would have exploded. "You're not coming back?" He repeated. "Going back to what it was before.." Steve grimaced, trying his hardest to keep his voice level. "And then what? Hmm? Yo..you're gonna torture yourself again, end up collapsing again? Or worse.. How long are you gonna keep this up? What good is it going to do you? What good is it going to do anyone?" Steve asked.
"Steve.. I have to do this."
"Says who? Why do you have to do this?"
Danny shook his head. "I..I'm sorry."
"That's enough, Danny. What are you sorry for? Are you sorry for quitting Five-0 without discussing it with me? For leaving your resignation letter and badge without even handing it to me? Or are you sorry for leaving without a word? Leaving me. Leaving Grace, without any explanation. Are you sorry you left your daughter without a father? Or for leaving everyone wondering if you're even alive? Are you sorry for appearing a month later after collapsing because you couldn't even take care of yourself? Or for wanting to leave again? Which is it, Danny? Which one are you sorry for?"
Danny took a shaky breath, Steve's voice was soft but each word he uttered was stinging. Danny knew his partner was fuming on the inside and to be fair, Steve's anger was not unwarranted. "All of it. I'm sorry for everything. I..I..I was just trying to protect you and Grace."
"Protect us? Protect us from what?" Steve shot back, his eyebrows raised. "How were you planning to protect us when you're not even around? You abandoned us Danny. You just left. In the middle of the night. What were you thinking?" He again tried to keep his voice down. The last thing he wanted was to aggravate Danny's condition but this was a long overdue talk that they needed to have.
"I had to protect you from myself, okay? As long as you and Grace are around me, you would be constant targets. I didn't want that. I can't have you two hurt because of me. Again. It nearly killed me the first time around. I can't let it happen again. I wouldn't be able to live with that. But you won't understand, Steve. I'm sure you think I'm a selfish.."
"Yes, you're being selfish! You think I don't understand? In case you've forgotten, let me remind you, Danny. I listened to my father getting killed because of me. So I of all people understand what it feels like. My father died because of me. So I fully understand what it's like to carry a lifetime of guilt... You were the one who talked me out of it when I was processing my father's death. And look at yourself now." Steve said. "Look what you did to yourself." Now that the floodgates were open, there was no stopping himself. He was going to drill it through Danny's brain that by leaving, he was just hurting everyone around him. "Do you know how many times Grace has called me in the middle of the night, when she knew her mom was asleep, crying because she was worried sick about you? She missed you, her father. And I couldn't even assure her that you were fine. Because I didn't know if you were fine!" Steve's voice was slowly raised.
I didn't know. I'm sorry, Grace. You will understand when you're older. Why I had to do this. It was only to keep you safe. I'm so sorry..
"You thought you were protecting us, but no you weren't. My dad sent me and Mary away after my mom died, trying to protect us. And for years, I carried a lot of resentment towards him. All I wanted was for us as a family to be together. I couldn't understand why he sent us away. Did he hate us that much? Is that what you want Grace to go through? Do you want her to resent you? To question your love for her?"
"I can live with her resentment." Danny said expressionlessly. "At least she'd be alive to hate me. I can live with her hate but I..I can't live without her, I can't have her getting hurt because of me again. Or you. I can't have the people I love getting hurt because of me. Once is more than enough."
Steve chuckled dryly. "People you love?" He asked. "You don't leave the people you love. You don't leave them wondering how you're doing. Wondering if the next body washed on the shore is yours. Wondering if the next body found in some ditch or some shady alley is going to be yours. Do you have any idea how difficult the last month has been for me? Is this what you do to people you love?"
"I... Steve, trust me. What I did, it's because I care about you." Danny said. This is not easy for me either, Steve.. But it is the right thing to do.
"What do I need to do get it through to you?" Steve asked. "What you are doing is not helping anyone. It's not helping me, not helping Grace. And certainly not helping yourself. Why are you doing this to yourself, Danny?" Steve asked, softening again.
"It's the only thing I can do." Danny said, he could no longer hold on to his tears.
Steve couldn't see his friend breaking down again and his anger just dissipated. He got up and sat in front of Danny on the bed, holding his friend on the shoulders. "Danny, listen to me. You're wrong. It's not the only thing you can do. It's not even the right thing. Don't push us away. You don't have to do this to yourself. The only person benefitting from this is Kevin Jackson. You're letting him win by giving up. This is exactly what he wanted and you're giving it to him." Steve said softly. "Danny, you don't have to go through this alone. You can lean on me. Let me help you."
Danny was stifled by a rising lump in his throat. Did he really deserve his friend's help?
"Please, let me help you?" Steve asked again.
Danny closed his eyes, he had no idea anymore what was right or what was wrong but he so badly wanted to grasp the hand that was reaching out to him. He'd been drowning in his own sorrow for way too long and he felt like he would sink to the bottom if he stayed put a minute longer. Maybe, just maybe, this was going to save him. And ever the slightest, he nodded. He still wanted to be saved.
...
A/N: Hello everyone! Thank you for staying tuned and for all your wonderful reviews. Also thank you for being supportive of where this story is going and encouraging the muse. I hope you guys enjoyed this one too (sorry about the length though, couldn't really cut any more). Do drop a review if you liked it even a little.. Hope to see you in the next chapter! Thanks for reading :)