Steve saw the slight nod that his friend gave him. Danny's blue eyes reflected the sea of suffering he was drowning in as he looked up at Steve. "I..I do..don't deserve your help.. But..I need it." Danny cringed, his anguish blatantly engraved on his face. "Help me, Steve.. I.. I can't.. can't do this any longer."
Steve nodded, releasing his grip on Danny's shoulders. "Come here." He said as he reached over to give Danny a hug. "Whatever it is, I'll be right beside you. I've told you before. We are gonna get through this, you hear me? And.. don't listen to yourself. Do..don't listen to whatever your head is telling you. You deserve my help. You deserve me worrying about you. Understand me? You need to forgive yourself, Danny. You deserve to be happy again."
Danny still wasn't sure about that. He didn't think he deserved anything more from the person he considered his best friend. Still, he was going to try to accept Steve's help. He was suffering immensely on his own, and he'd thought that would have been enough to lift away his guilt. Yet, it did nothing. On the contrary, he had just added on to Steve's and Grace's worry, causing them more pain.
"Danny.." Steve released his friend. "I never blamed you. Not for a second. You know that right?"
Danny nodded. He knew. He knew too well. And that made it all that much harder. A punch to his face, or even a bullet through him from Steve, he would gladly accept. But Steve's ready forgiveness was a constant reminder of how much he hadn't deserved Steve's friendship.
"Neither did Grace. Your daughter loves you very much. And she misses you, Danny. She's really worried about you." Steve said.
"I can..I can't see her." Danny said. Truth was, he couldn't let her see what he'd become. He was ashamed, for one. And two, he most definitely didn't want to worry her further.
"I understand. But can you at least talk to her?" Steve asked. "She's gonna want to hear your voice. At least put her mind at ease."
Danny remained silent as he contemplated. "Okay.."
Steve felt relief spreading within him and he gave Danny an encouraging smile as he fished for his phone from his pocket. He dialled Grace's number and handed Danny the phone. "I'll let you talk to her. I'll be right outside." He said.
Danny's grip on the phone tightened as he waited for his call to be answered. He ran through the words he was going to say in his head but he wasn't sure he would be able to get a word out. All he knew was that his heart was suddenly beating rapidly. Even though he was uncertain about the call just seconds ago, in this moment, he knew that he desperately wanted (or rather, needed) to hear his daughter's voice again. Whether he deserved it after leaving her was a different question altogether.
"Hello, Uncle Steve?" Grace's voice came through as the ringing ended.
He guessed it right. He was unable to speak. His chest clenched with emotions.
"Uncle Steve? Are you there?" Grace asked again.
"Grace.." His voice was so soft and filled with anxiety, she probably hadn't heard him. "Monkey.." He said again.
Grace wasn't sure she could believe herself. Her heart leapt at the term of endearment that only her father called her by. "Da..nno?" She asked uncertainly.
Danny winced at the fragility in his daughter's voice. He had done that to her. "I missed you, Grace." He said, biting his lip.
"Danno! Where are you? Are you okay?" Grace asked. "Are you with Uncle Steve? Danno, are you okay?" She repeated incoherently.
"I'm alright, Grace. Are you okay?" Danny breathed.
Grace nodded as tears ran down her cheeks. "I'm alright. Danno, where are you? Are you coming home? Why did you leave me? Please come home."
"I'm sorry, monkey. I'm so sorry." Danny said.
"Dad, it's okay. I just need to know you're really okay?"
"Yeah, monkey. I'm okay." Danny said, his vision blurred by the tears collecting in his eyes.
"I was really worried about you. Where are you? Are you coming to see me?" Grace asked.
"I.. I'll come see you. Don't worry about me, I'm fine. And I love you. I..I just need.. a little bit of time. I will see you soon, okay Grace?" Danny said.
"Are you leaving again, Danno? Dad.. please, please.. Don't go away." Grace begged. "I want to see you."
"I'm not going anywhere. I.. I won't leave you again. It's.. I'm ju.. uhh I can't see you at the moment."
"Bu..but why?"
"Umm..I'm no..not.. I'll call you, okay? I won't disappear like I did before. I'm really sorry I did that to you."
"I missed you, dad."
"Trust me, I missed you a lot more."
"I love you, Danno. I'll wait for you. Promise me you're coming home." Grace said.
"I promise."
...
Three days in the hospital, Danny had looked a lot better. His pallor appearance had gone and he no longer looked like he was standing at death's door. There was still a long way to go in his recovery but Steve would take any small victories he could. Danny was cleared for discharge on the fourth day and after a lot of coaxing, Steve managed to convince Danny enough to come home with him. They had stopped by Danny's motel room to get his things and Steve couldn't really describe his feelings when he'd seen how Danny had been living for the past month. It was a huge downgrade from even that mold-infested apartment Danny had lived in when they first met. The room was literally radiating misery and depression, not to mention, the aesthetic was hardly appealing.
The drive home had again been filled with grim silence, as did the other days Steve had spent with Danny at the hospital. It was like his friend had been replaced with an imposter, no sign of the vibrant Danny was left in the guy sitting next to him. Steve scrambled to reach out to his friend. He wondered how things had come to this. He knew that his friend needed not only his support and presence but probably professional help. The plaguing nightmares and insomnia, the complete disregard over his own health, the obvious signs of depression and anxiety. They were impossible to miss. Steve just hadn't any idea on how to broach the subject. He would have asked for reinforcement from the team, Chin, Lou and Kono.
Except, Danny's agreement with staying at his place came with a condition. He didn't want to see anyone else. Not yet. He wasn't ready, he'd said. That was the main reason he'd refused to come home with Steve, he knew the team stopped by the house often. He didn't want to be the reason that stopped them from coming, but of course, that was a non-issue for Steve. Danny was more important to him. He needed to ensure Danny was taking care of himself, and if he wasn't, Steve wanted to be there to do it for him.
"You okay?" Steve's train of thought was interrupted by Danny's voice, rough and unfamiliar. Danny was looking at him, wearing concern on his face.
"Hmm?" Steve asked, not entirely sure where the question was coming from.
Danny pointed to his face. "Your face.. Aneurysm face right there." Danny said, frowning himself. "Is everything okay? Is it work? Do you need to get back? You didn't have to come get me."
Steve smiled, there was still some bit of his friend left in the man sitting next to him and the thought reassured him. "Of course I had to come get you." Steve said. "No. It's not work. Chin, Lou and Kono have it all under control."
Danny nodded. He actually really missed his friends. But he was embarrassed to see them. The way he was embarrassed to see his own daughter. He was a wreck, he felt and knew he looked like a failure and he didn't want anyone to witness it. But Steve was okay. Somehow, he'd never had any problems showing his vulnerabilities to his partner. Even today.
"Umm.. Danny?" Steve said. "I have something to ask you. I'm not gonna force you. It's entirely your choice. I.. I've just been thinking about this." Steve stole a glance at his partner.
"What is it?" Danny asked.
"I'm worried about you." Steve said.
"I'm fine. The doctor discharged me."
"Not that.. It's.. I.. I know this..this friend. She's a doctor uhh.. a therapist."
"Oh."
"Like I said, it's entirely up to you. But, I'm worried about you. You.. you're not.. not really acting yourself and you managed to end up in the hospital because you were neglecting taking care of yourself. I think.. I think it'd be good to set a meeting with her. Just you know.. Talk to her, see if it helps."
Danny took a long breath. Deep down, he knew Steve was probably right. But it wasn't something he could easily admit. "I'm fine." He said again, before he turned to look out the window in a frail attempt to hide the tears burning his eyes.
...
Steve wasn't sure what woke him up. Maybe it was that niggling feeling that was nagging him to check on his partner. It was way past 2 a.m., the clock on his side showed. Danny should be sleeping in his room, Steve assured himself. Yet, the tiny voice in his chest continued to insist that he checked on Danny. He sat up in his bed and rubbed his face with both hands. Letting out a long sigh, he got up and navigated out of his room in the darkness. Heading to Danny's room, his heart lurched when he realised the room door left open. He quickened his pace, the nagging feeling turned into a chastise.
"Danny.." He breathed. Except, what was in front if him was Danny's vacant unmade bed. No sign of his friend. "Danny?" He turned the lights on and looked around the room. Danny's phone was left on the bedside table and an awful dread overtook him. Could his friend had left again?
His heart hammering in his chest, Steve, headed down, searching the house for any sign of his friend. "Danno?" Maybe he'd gone down for a drink, Steve told himself though he hardly believed it. None of the lights were switched on. And scanning both the living room and kitchen, he found both to be empty. Steve held back his urge to curse. Danny had gone back on his word. He'd left. Again.
He absently threw a gaze towards the lanai as anger and disappointment crept up on him which was when he noticed the door leading to the lanai was unlocked and slightly open. Only dimly lit by the full moon, it was hard to see outside. Steve headed out, the cold sea breeze hitting him the moment he stepped out. He jogged towards the chairs, spotting the small figure sitting on one of the chairs with knees hugged to the chest. For a split second, a sharp pang shot through him as he realised how much weight his friend had lost. Danny just looked way smaller than he usually did, rolled up in that chair.
"Danno?" He called softly.
Danny turned to look at Steve, raising his eyebrows in surprise. "Hey.. wh..why are you up?"
Squeezing Danny's shoulder, Steve settled on the chair next to him and heaved a huge sigh in relief. "Could ask you the same." Steve said. Worry lined his forehead as he noticed his partner shivering mildly. "You cold?"
"No. I'm good." Danny said.
"Didn't see you in your room. I thought you.." Steve said, analysing his friend's face, not completing his thought.
Danny didn't answer as he looked faraway at the ocean with vacant eyes. The sounds of the waves crashing were the only thing filling the silence between them. I thought you left, he completed the sentence in his head. If he was honest, it took a lot of courage for him to stay. The voices in his head kept telling him it was time to leave.
"Couldn't sleep?" Steve asked.
Danny nodded.
"Was it.. Are you.." Steve started. "The nightmares still bothering you?"
He hesitated. Yes, the nightmares were still there. But tonight, that wasn't the reason he couldn't sleep. It was something else. Something that had been bothering him since he'd seen Steve in the morning. "Steve."
"Yeah buddy?"
Danny swallowed, stalling for time. He wanted to know yet not at the same time. "Hh..how cl.. How close was it?"
"What are you talking about?" Steve asked.
Danny squeezed his eyes shut. He'd seen it for the first time this morning. Steve had just gotten out of the water after his morning swim, clad only in his board shorts and dripping salt water all over the grass. That's when he'd seen it, as obvious as day, two new scars on Steve's body. Danny had frozen, his eyes refused to budge from his handiwork.
"The.. bullet. How close was it? To your heart." Danny asked. Honestly, he was afraid of the answer. Because it looked awfully close. The scar he'd seen on Steve's chest, it looked like it might have been right over Steve's heart.
"Danny, don't. Let's not go there." Steve could guess why the question had all of a sudden popped up.
"I need to know."
"No, you don't. And truthfully, I really don't know." Steve said. "I didn't ask and the doctors didn't say. And you know what? It doesn't matter. I'm right here."
Danny couldn't express how grateful he was that Steve was there with him. He couldn't help thinking again that this had been sheer luck.
When Danny didn't speak or move Steve asked. "That why you couldn't sleep? You up thinking about that?"
Again, Danny answered him with silence. Steve looked at his partner whose eyes were shut and his shoulders were ever so slightly but still visibly shaking.
"Shall we head inside?" Steve asked, reaching out towards Danny's arm if only to provide some warmth.
Danny merely shook his head in answer. "You go ahead. Go back to sleep. I want to stay here."
"I'll stay here with you."
Danny's eyes opened and he turned to Steve. "Don't have to. I'm fine. Go back in."
This time it was Steve who ignored Danny's words. He remained seated, getting himself in a comfortable position and shutting his eyes as he leaned back on the chair.
Still looking at his partner, Danny felt a sense of tranquility envelope him. He was home, with his best friend and brother. This was more than he'd bargain for.
You don't deserve this, Daniel Williams. You don't deserve to be here. How could you be this shameless? You don't deserve any happiness! The voices in his head clamoured incessantly, disrupting the elusive peace he was finally beginning to catch hold of.
The only thing that pulled him back from falling back into the pitch black pit he'd been stuck in was Steve's equally incessant voice. "And.. don't listen to yourself. Do..don't listen to whatever your head is telling you. You deserve my help. You deserve me worrying about you. Understand me? You need to forgive yourself, Danny. You deserve to be happy again."
He swallowed as he looked at his friend. He shut his eye, hoping for the waves to block out the noise coming from his head. And it must have worked because the next time he opened his eyes was to the sound of birds chirping and the sky was turning light. He shifted in his seat, finding himself wrapped in a thin blanket. He turned to his left where his partner still remained, snoring lightly. He watched for a little longer, just appreciating the fact that his partner was alive. And more importantly, that his partner still accepted him in his life.
"Steve." He called out. "Steve.."
"Hey.." Steve jolted awake, groaning at the slight discomfort in his neck. "You're awake." He said, a hand massaging the back of his neck.
"Why did you stay out here?" Danny asked. "Your back's not gonna like that."
"You were sleeping, I didn't want to wake you to go inside." Steve said. "I didn't want to leave you alone out here either."
Danny hummed.
"You alright? Slept well?" Steve asked.
Danny nodded. Maybe it was the calming effect of the ocean, which he never used to believe in. Or maybe it was the fact that his best friend was sitting next to him. He was guessing it's the latter that was the reason he had slept well. "Steve."
"Yeah?"
"Th..the therapist. I'll see her if that's what you want." Danny said.
...
A/N: Hey everyone! Thanks again for all your reviews which I greatly appreciated. I genuinely thought I would wrap this up before I reach 30 chapters but I'm thinking that's not happening right now (hoping you guys are not bored of this already). I have at least 3-4 more chapters planned out so I really hope that I don't get side-tracked again.. Anyways really hope you guys liked this chapter and I will see you in the next one, alright? As usual, do drop a review if you like! Thanks for reading all you wonderful people! :)