Around broken in two, 'Till you eyes shed, into dust
3rd May1996
The passageway was cold. The type of cold that seeped under your skin and made your bones ache. His breath misted in front of him as he willed his shaking legs to carry him forward, towards the door at the far end of the corridor.
Dread crept over him as he approached, his stomach churning, sweat coating his aching limbs.
The door swung open, pouring impossibly brilliant light into the inky blackness in which he was standing.
Sirius forced himself forward. He would not be a coward. He was willing to face whatever the room contained; he would face it like a man.
Both the floor and walls of the room were blindingly white. Sirius blinked rapidly as his eyes adjusted to the light, suddenly realising that he was not alone as he noticed two tall black-haired youths.
The hollow they had left in his heart, wanted him to fall on his knees and tell them he had not been worthy of being their brother. That they had both deserved better. That he would have given his life to save them. That he would sell his soul to Beelzebub himself, if it would bring them back to life.
Sirius felt his body convulse as heat itched its way down his head.
'James….Regulus….' He croaked; his throat so dry that the words were agony. ' I did not mean for either of you to die…..Please…..' He paused, unable to speak, as his arms shook, and a sob ripped from his throat. His chest heaving as the raw pain of his grief ran like fire through his veins. Through the veil of his tears, he gazed at their youthful faces beseechingly.
'..Forgive me…' He managed eventually, as hot, acrid tears coated his lips with salt. The taste of his dishonour filling his mouth.
A silence that seemed to Sirius like an eternity stretched on as they stared at him imperiously.
'Murderer.' James hissed at last, his voice full of pure loathing. 'My son is an orphan because of you.'
'Murderer.' Regulus chorused. 'You swore to protect me and yet you broke your word.'
They advanced on him, faces twisted in hatred, and Sirius did not flee. He deserved it; he had failed them. He had not been worthy of them.
Sirius screamed as he woke. Adrenaline pumping through his veins as he jumped from his bed, feet tangling in blankets, as he scrambled to flee.
Pure terror surged through his body as the sheets tripped him and sent him sprawling to the floor. Hitting the ground with an almighty thud that caused the walls to shake.
His heart pounded so violently; he was sure it was about to rip through his rib cage. And he could still taste his tears as the images from his dream replayed themselves.
'I'm sorry.' He cried into the ether of the empty house. 'I'm …' A fresh wave of sobs wracked his chest as he curled into a ball and allowed the anguish to surge through him, washing away all coherent thought. And leaving nothing but the image of their contemptuous faces.
He was not certain how long he lay on the floor of his bedroom, but by the time his tears had dried, pale sunlight was creeping through the moth-eaten curtains. Illuminating the faded Gryffindor banners, he had hung in an act of teenage defiance. And the posters of scantily clad muggle women, who stared down at him with glazed indifference.
He remembered how scandalised his mother had been when she first saw them, how his father had called him to his study and given him a lecture about not tainting the family blood by lusting after muggle harlots. Finally, how Regulus had struggled not to stare at the curvaceous bodies, as his ears turned a bright red colour.
However, on a rare day of amity, while Regulus perched on the end of his bed, Sirius had caught his brother's eyes lingering on Raquel Welch, with an unmistakable look of adolescent lust on his face.
How he had taken pleasure in goading his brother about it. Frequently calling him a wannabe blood traitor for fancying a muggle. And in a fit of pique asking him if he'd enjoyed a cheeky wank over the thought of a muggle's boobs and if that meant his blood was now tainted.
This comment had finally broken his brother's stoic demeanour, and they had their first (and only) physical fight. Limbs flailing as they rained punches on each other. Screaming words of hatred as they crashed into the landing wall and were met with shocked cries from the portraits. Finally, as their horrified father separated them, Sirius had roared that Regulus was nothing but a stupid bigot who needed to learn to think for himself.
Sirius closed his eyes as shame prickled uncomfortably across his skin, causing blood to pound in his ears.
'I am so sorry Reg.' He said aloud, his words echoing around his bedroom. 'I should have tried to persuade you properly.'