Adie looked around the room and contemplated what she could do to change the stolid hour with her next client. They were stuck in a comfortable but meaningless exchange when they should have been well into new territory. She could sense that Bianca Grieve was afraid. There were words that needed to be said that she was still doing her utmost to conceal. Emotions she kept out of sight for fear they might grow. The best that Adie could do was to rework a few questions she'd tried previously. Wait for the day when the epitome of self control would finally let something useful slip out.

She had known she would be difficult from the start. Law enforcement always were. It wasn't unusual for them to have multiple experiences with counsellors, and often they played the game of saying whatever was expected to get back to the work that helped them forget. Bianca had done exactly that, and then someone stepped in. Someone had recommended Adie specifically. She had an inkling about who that previous client might be, and a further hunch that she was related to Bianca's current stasis. But it wasn't her place to raise that, or rush discussions into areas that Bianca wasn't ready to venture into. And so they played the game of acting out their roles, both knowing that the hour they shared was a fraudulent attempt at introspection. So skilled was this woman at mirroring, Adie often had the strange sensation that she was talking to herself. Yet, she was committed; appeared right on time every second week without fail. Sometimes that was the point of her work; to patiently prepare the ground for the real conversation.

Adie smoothed down her skirt and sighed, opened the door and observed a beleaguered figure hunched over in defeat. She was tearing at a crumpled tissue, wearing a soft apologetic smile. Today would be the day.

'Superintendent Grieve. Come on in.'

Bianca clutched at the bag beside her, approached with a slouch of resignation.

'Please. How many times. It's Bianca.'

Adie smiled as she gestured to the familiar chair.

'Actually I don't think you have...insisted on Bianca before now.'

Bianca apologised, to which Adie replied there was no need. And then there was silence. Wary of destroying the possibility offered up by Bianca's current vulnerability, Adie said nothing. Watched her quietly settle. She wanted to edge towards something new but didn't want to startle her.

'I was wondering, with the second anniversary approaching, how you intended to mark the occasion. Whether you felt it to be a significant milestone.'

Bianca looked to the window, at her hands, to the floor. This too was a first. Her gaze was normally fixed straight ahead.

'Nothing elaborate. I'll spend it with Ella and Jack. It does feel significant, but in a way, only because it seems insignificant to everyone else...'

Adie smiled. Nodded.

'A second anniversary can feel harder, a lonelier time perhaps. Has it been playing on your mind?'

'It's not just that. I had an argument with a friend yesterday. She says I'm not doing the work. Not being honest with myself, or you.''

'Ok. Do you agree with that perspective?'

Bianca looked stricken. She stood up and walked to the window. Another first.

'I haven't been dishonest. Everything we've discussed about Lisa, my feelings about what happened. I meant all of it. It's more that...I've left something out. Someone I was with.'

She sat down and took a tissue from the box.

'This person...they're important to you?'

Bianca closed her eyes. Let out a barely audible yes.

'We were together for a while when Lisa and I separated. I had to make a choice. And I don't regret the decision I made.'

Adie noted the defensive tone in her voice, the desperate denial that she had ever doubted her choices. She could have pointed out that we all do that - that it was perfectly human to wonder about the other life that might have been. But now wasn't the time. That would come later, when she understood more. When she had watched her speak about this other person, listened to how her voice changed, studied how her face shifted as she told their story. Now wasn't the time to point out that Bianca didn't have to feel shame when she brought this other person to mind. This was the time to listen.

'Tell me about what happened, when you had to make a decision. In as much detail as you can.'

Four years earlier

Janet was appalled. They didn't ask if she had an appointment, simply waved her up to the Intelligence department when she announced she was here from the DPP to discuss a case. She could have been anyone, with any intention. As it was she was simply here to tell someone she loved what was on her mind. Constantly on her mind. Janet had come to believe that she needed Bianca beside her again if she was ever to function properly. Her presence, or the lack of it, was the first thing she thought about when she woke up, the last thing she thought about at night, the subject to which her rambling internal dialogue returned when it wasn't muddling through issues related to work or the kids. Bianca had to come back so she could reclaim vital head space. She hoped that six months of silence wasn't reason enough to ignore what she was going to say. She had it all planned out, word for word. Sincere, measured, and honest contrition.

With a manic sense of purpose she bounded towards the door bearing Bianca's new title. Felt momentarily overwhelmed by the thought of seeing the person who had consumed her thoughts for so long. Surely Bianca would sense it on sight, how monumentally sorry she was about everything that happened, how ready she was to fix it. Full of nervous energy, she didn't wait long enough to be invited in after her abrasive knock. She simply threw open the door, expecting a captive audience to her heartfelt monologue. Instead, Bianca's face formed a perplexed question mark, followed by a look of anger. She was on a call, taking part in what sounded like a heated exchange. Janet was reminded that other people's lives didn't always bend to her needs, that they unfolded organically, separate to the narrative in her own head. Maybe Bianca hadn't given her a second thought. Maybe she was glad to be away from her. She briefly confronted her own arrogance. Even her attempt at reconciliation was delivered from entirely her own perspective. Her first instinct was to go to her apartment, but she had been worried that Bianca wouldn't let her in, so work seemed like the better option. Only, she hadn't considered how it would feel to be in Bianca's position; a newly promoted leader suddenly confronted by an ex in her office. She hadn't really considered what had been going on in Bianca's world at all. A fact she could only appreciate now they were in close proximity.

'Yes...yes. I know that. I do understand the urgency. I just think that it would be better if we had more time to plan the response...Respectfully, can I suggest another three days...' She closed her eyes, let her forehead fall into her hand. 'Sure. No that's fine. The original date it is.'

When Bianca finally understood who was standing before her, she raised the palm of her hand as if to stop her from making any further moves. Eventually she put the phone down then stared at it in contemplative rage. Janet sensed she shouldn't speak, took in the room instead. It was a barren void at the heart of a bustling office; the dark brown shelves behind Bianca were bare, the walls a depressing off white with random scuffs where recently removed frames had been, nothing on the desk other than the computer and phone. The only thing of substance Janet could see was the impressive and far too alluring uniform, which Bianca tugged nervously. Clearly, this new role wasn't going well. She walked towards the desk. Sat down despite the combative tone in Bianca's voice.

'What are you doing here?'

'I wanted to see you. And since you've not seen fit to return any of my calls, you left me no choice but to come here.'

'This really isn't a good time Janet.'

'Three years and you can't even bring yourself to compose a text?'

Bianca stared then allowed herself a cruel smirk of disbelief.

'Don't kid yourself. We weren't together for three years. You were somewhere else for two of them, and barely present for the rest.'

'That's not fair - '

'No this isn't fair. I've only been here a few weeks, and you're really expecting me to have a conversation about us in full view?'

She gestured over to the industrious cops moving to and fro around the cubicles. They were still wary of her, privately questioning if she had what it took, publicly looking for her approval all the same. It was exhausting, to constantly think about what they were thinking. She was having doubts already about taking on the role. Janet understood immediately. Knew her all too well.

'You're scared of them aren't you?' She watched as Bianca winced at being found out. Felt a pang of regret that she couldn't go over and embrace her. Finally, a topic they could have discussed over dinner and wine that was about Bianca and not her, where she might have been able to offer some genuine help. 'Bianca, you don't ask for a delay, you tell them when things can be done. And you need to be out there getting to know people so you can manipulate them all the more further down the line. Put some documents that you need on the shelves, put some pictures on your desk. People should know when they walk through that door they're in your territory.'

'Stop talking Janet.'

'Why didn't you tell me you were going for this job?'

Janet is unnerved by the glare, by the strange laughter Bianca is trying to suppress and how quickly it turns to venom.

'When exactly should I have told you? When you were furious with me for trying to help you stand up to your father? In between conversations about Pearl or Zoe? I couldn't tell you about this job because there was no space for it in your head. Not for me, my feelings, my career - none of it.'

It's the comment about her head that does it. Finally jolts her back to the reason that she is here. Her head is currently a nightmare of regret; filled with the words she's been longing to say to the woman sitting opposite. And now that she's finally here she is making an embarrassing mess of it. She looked at the grain of the table and took a deep breath. Eventually she sought out Bianca's eyes and their hurt.

'I'm sorry, alright. I'm sorry. I love you...I can't stop loving you just because you left, and I'm finding it impossible to enjoy my life without you in it. Please give us another chance.'

'We tried Janet. It didn't work.'

'No. You tried. I promise that'll change. I promise I'll pay attention. I've missed you too much for anything else. The kids miss you too.'

'Don't do that. Don't mention the kids.'

It was a fierce instruction that tempered Janet's determination. During the silence, she began to understand how little progress she had made, how unwilling Bianca was to concede even an inch. Then she watched her face soften with sadness.

'Janet, I'll always care about you. I don't regret anything that happened...But I can't be with you. There'll be someone as incredible as you are, who can match your pace better than I ever could. I've...moved on.'

Janet felt sick when she understood.

'You're seeing someone?'

'It's not what you think.'

'We've barely separated and you've found someone else?'

'I've known her for a long time. Try to understand...I don't want to spend my life fighting for your attention, and resenting you because you can't give it.'

Janet was quiet. It was a race to get out before the tears started. She stood up and turned to go.

'Janet. Janet wait.'

She stopped. Composed herself. Made her way back to the desk and leaned in with a controlled voice full of purpose.

'I could have done it you know. I would have changed for you. I could have helped you with this job and we'd have found our own pace together. Because you're the one that's incredible...it breaks my heart that you don't know that. That I didn't do a good enough job of telling you.'

There is a brief glimpse of the Bianca that Janet knows. The one that she wants, the one who wants her too. They stay in that moment a little longer than they should. Wanting things they know they can no longer have.

'I'll see you.' Janet says as she leaves. But she won't. Not for another two years.