Note: Evangeline Lilly stated in an interview that Tauriel goes back to Mirkwood with Thranduil and that she will be more dedicated to protect the kingdom and will do so with more compassion at the same time. So I tried to follow this line.

Chapter description: After the events from the BOTFA, Tauriel is left alone inside Thranduil's kingdom with her thoughts and feelings that seem to overwhelm her. After what happened between them, she and Thranduil don't interact much. Everyone is shaken, but Thranduil doesn't want to show it and tries to carry on.

From Tauriel's POV and exploring her feelings.

Tauriel was back in Mirkwood. Somehow, like through a dream, she had floated back there silently, with her eyes down, without wanting to look at anyone. Thranduil had lifted her banishment, perhaps he felt compassion for her...after all, she also felt she was pitiable. She had been banished, lost her position as a captain, lost Kili, the dwarf for whom she had challenged everyone, even her King, and she lost the respect of the other woodland elves in doing so. She felt defeated and she was grieving inside.

As soon as they returned to the Woodland Realm, she tried to slip unnoticed and get to her quarters, without looking at the King or at the other elves, even though she felt eyes on her. Later that day, a messenger came to her room to officially inform her that she lost her position as captain but that she could still fight as a soldier, under the command of Feren.

In the solitude of the hours that followed, she cried and laid still on the bed, thinking if she would fade or if she still had the will to carry on and fight.

The King's face came to her mind, back in Ravenhill, looking upon her with warmth and affection she had not seen in him before...For all she accused him of lacking love, he had been compassionate enough to allow her to return to Mirkwood and to his kingdom.

Somehow she had always known that warmth existed within him, buried deeply, and perhaps that was what always made her frustrated with him. Thranduil...

Tauriel opened her eyes but still couldn't shake his image from her mind. Why had his words touched her so much? His loving eyes were still filling her broken soul even now. She did not expect him to be the person who brought such comfort to her heart after everything that happened between them.

She barely left her room the next day and didn't care much about eating. An elf from the healing rooms came to check if she was injured and brought her some food, which she eventually ate. Luckily, her injuries were not serious but she felt her whole body aching.

She did not know how much time had passed, lost in her thoughts and grief, sitting literally and figuratively in the dark. She knew she needed to make some decisions. If she had come back to Mirkwood, she had to decide if she was going to leave, stay or simply die.

Her quarters were closing in on her and she felt like she couldn't breathe. Being on her own was only making her nervous, sad and anxious. She had to face the realm again...

As Tauriel started walking through the kingdom halls, she could see scouts rushing around, elves in need of healing and a tense atmosphere that she had not seen in hundreds of years. As her footsteps were getting her closer to the heart of the kingdom, where Thranduil's chambers and throne lay, she suddenly wondered if she was going to see the King. Her heart jumped a beat for some reason. And then...there he was in the distance.

She recognized his voice, so familiar to her ears. He was talking to his new captain, giving instructions. As an elf, her eyes could see him even if he was far away. She could see his silvery-grey robe, his pearly hair like moonlight and his tall figure. He looked beautiful and tall and majestic as always. Somehow he looked like the terrible battle hadn't had any impact on him and she would have almost believed that...if it hadn't been for the vulnerable moments they shared together on Ravenhill, right before he told her to follow him home.

She kept her distance as she didn't want to be seen. She had the urge to talk to him as she used to do before, as if nothing had happened but she knew that too much happened. For the first time, she was seeing and acknowledging his importance in her life. However, she thought that it might be too late to mend anything between them.

Did he even care that she was there? And if he didn't, then why had he lifted the banishment and told her to go back to Mirkwood? Perhaps he had disowned her already, she thought to herself, regardless of his moment of compassion. Just like Legolas disowned her as a friend and left without a goodbye.

All of a sudden, she felt utterly alone. Isolated and a renegade. There was now great distance between her and the rest of the wood elves due to her rebellious actions. They were avoiding her and she was feeling their eyes watching her from afar whenever she was outside of her quarters. She was no longer captain. She felt she was no longer respected as she had been. All because she dared challenge the King. A slight feeling of anger took over her that quickly changed into sadness and defeat.

She made herself unseen, taking the way to her quarters. At least there she would be safe with her own thoughts, trying to make sense of what she would do next. She fell asleep again, hoping she would dream of Kili and of better times.

Two days passed since she hadn't been able to talk to the King. His name came up in her mind often in a familiar way. And yes, he was familiar. He was one of the people she had been close to for the past 600 years, without even realizing it. Yes, she had not only been close to Legolas, but also to Thranduil.

She took it as a job, as duties, all the nights she would report, all the talks they would have, all the events he would involve her in... She had never seen them as closeness. Yet they were as now she was feeling empty without them. Kili left a great hole in her heart. But also, being back in Mirkwood, there was not much comfort either. Legolas was gone. Another wound. He probably felt betrayed by her. His absence was also painful for Tauriel.

Her mind wandered back to Thranduil. Her relationship with him had gone into complete madness in only 48 hours. She didn't even know why she was back in Mirkwood anymore. She didn't know how to face him again.

Fragments of that terrible battle came back to her and made her wonder...Why had she even pointed an arrow at him? Sure, it was the adrenaline of war. Her intense feelings for Kili. But why did she feel so comfortable talking to him directly, challenging him? Nobody ever acted like this with the King. She realized she had always been familiar with him. She had always been around him for important matters, speaking openly, with only minimal reverence, she always talked directly and bluntly to him.

What were they even for each other? What was Thranduil to her? Her king? Her friend? Her protector? Maybe all and none of them. Why had they even spent so much time together for the last few hundred years to become so familiar? She could not understand. These thoughts were swirling through her mind as she sank on her bed.

One thing she knew: she wanted to continue to fight, whether with him or alone. It was too obvious now that the evil she had often talked about was now awake and kicking. She knew also that Thranduil would most probably change his ways after that horrid battle. They had all lost so much, she thought.

Funny how Thranduil was now the only person left for her in Mirkwood. She had never felt particularly connected to any of the other elves, even if they shared training, fighting and feasts together. Thranduil and Legolas had always been the two people she was close to. It felt so strange to not have them both around. To think that Legolas was gone and... think only of Thranduil.

His face full of compassion and care haunted her once again. Why did she keep on remembering that moment? She was finally starting to understand: it was because they had never shared any vulnerable moment together in 600 years. And she craved that. The sudden realization surprised her... That short interaction with true vulnerable connection and compassion between them. She had enjoyed it so much and was craving for more. Perhaps she had been craving for this closeness with him for hundreds of years. Was this the reason for which she had been so angry and frustrated with him for so long? She suddenly felt it was a big part of the reason. She had never seen his love for her... And she wanted to see it. The care Legolas showed her had never been enough. She always wanted to see this closeness and care coming from Thranduil.

What madness, she thought. Why did she care so much for his closeness? Why was the affection he showed her on Ravenhill so important to her? Why did she even want his affection?

She needed to see him so she asked for an audience. Guards were now patrolling his halls and she no longer had a pass to his chambers as she had fallen into disgrace. They told her he was busy and could not see her. She returned a few hours later, preparing herself again to face him. She felt adrenaline inside her at the thought of being in his presence first time since the battle... But she had to do it. She had to face him.

Feren was there, outside of his chambers. She instantly remembered the last time she had seen Feren : he was standing behind Thranduil when she pointed an arrow at the King and when he sliced her bow in anger. The incident came back to her mind as she looked at the new captain. His face also seemed to remember this all too well.

'I came to speak with the King', she said.

'I don't know what is going on between you and the King', Feren started with the same frozen look as he had last time he'd seen her, "but he does not need any upsets at the moment.'

'I need to see him', Tauriel insisted.

'He has lifted your banishment', said Feren after a pause, 'and did not punish you for treason. But I don't know if I can leave you around our King now, after what you've done. Not when he feels so vulnerable and needs to rest.'

'Please'.

It was not like Tauriel to beg or insist but she knew that she needed to clarify things with Thranduil and apologize to him even.

'Ask him'.

Feren gave her a cold look and went inside the rooms. After a couple of minutes, he came out and looked at Tauriel with an expression that looked so done.

'You can go in', he said.

Thranduil looked elegant as always, just like she'd known him for centuries, and deep in his thoughts. The room he was in was so familiar to her and that sense of familiarity sent a strange sadness through her body. His expression was hard to read and very composed as always.

'Milord' she said but he did not turn his eyes towards her.

She couldn't tell if he was upset with her or not. After a few moments of silence, he spoke with his deep powerful voice resonating through the chamber.

'You said you wanted to see me'.

He finally turned towards her. She felt a sudden blush into her cheeks when meeting his gaze and an embarrassment she had not felt before.

She lowered her eyes and then said:

'I want to apologize for the harsh words I said to you during the battle." She paused. 'I know that what I said, that you had no love in you... I know it's not true.'

She found the courage and looked at him again. He was now looking away and after a while, he spoke.

'I also have to apologize' he said, with a softer tone this time, closer to a whisper, and Tauriel looked surprised. Just as surprised as when she had heard from the King that Legolas had feelings for her.

'I have sealed my heart away from everyone for such a long time. Including my son. Perhaps you are right', he said with a low and soft voice she had rarely heard from him,' perhaps there is no love left in me'.

The Elvenking had always been too strong to show vulnerability but Tauriel knew he was feeling hurt to some degree. Not just because of one loss but many. Legolas was only one of them and perhaps the worst. She recalled in a flash all that happened between the three of them on the battlefield, such petty quarrels out of old frustrations and anger when around them the whole world was falling apart.

Tauriel looked at him with care and approached him slowly.

'That's not true', she whispered.

She could not believe she was saying that to him but the words had left her mouth before she could realize she actually said it.

He turned his head and looked at her but she couldn't bear to look into his eyes so she lowered hers. It felt like his gaze was burning her.

'Legolas has left', he said after a short while, with a neutral tone, as if trying to divert the conversation.

She already knew that but hearing it from him was a confirmation of that unwanted reality.

'I'm sure he will come back' Tauriel answered, although she wasn't sure herself if this was true or not. Sudden guilt rose in her stomach.

Thranduil turned his head away and started walking in the room, passing her by without looking at her and she felt his invisible armor building up around him again.

'I expect you to resume your duties as a soldier should you choose to stay here, in Mirkwood. We have need now, more than any other time, of capable soldiers.' he said in his usual cold voice this time.

He went to the table near him and poured himself some wine. The sight was too familiar. He felt distant again as if he was miles away from her. Tauriel was wondering how to phrase to him all the things she wanted to tell to him... In fact, she wanted to decide if she was even going to stay in Mirkwood or not, but then he spoke.

'Leave me now.'

His commanding voice made her realize he did not want to discuss things further. At least for now.

She bowed her head and left the room with a heavy heart and so many unspoken words.

(This is a bit of a slow burn but it's all building up towards the next chapters ;)

If you love this ship as much as I do, I hope you will enjoy this fanfic - it's the first one I've ever written.

P.S. English isn't my native language so I'm doing my best to write everything correctly; sorry for any mistakes! )