Note: I don't own Super Smash Bros, all rights go to Nintendo. Nor do I own the American Dad episode this fic is based on, that goes to Fox.
Summary
When Captain Falcon gets hexed into an old man after berating one at a camping store, young Link and Lucina now have to find a way to get him back to normal.
Let's do this
Today was a lovely day in Smash mansion. In the dining hall, Captain Falcoln was having lunch with Chrom and Samus.
"So, are you guys interested in a little team battle after lunch today?" Samus asked Chrom and captain Falcon, "I'm challenging Mario, DK, and Byleth and I need two extra team mates."
"Sure, I'd love to show off my fighting skills again." Said Chrom.
"I can't do any matches today." Said Captain Falcon. "I'm going to a camping store with Link and Lucina to go get some new hiking equipment."
"Which Link are we talking about?" Asked Chrom while taking a bite from his sandwich. "Adult Link, cat eyed link, or Young Link?"
"Young Link, I've been hanging out with him for so long, I just refer to him as 'Link' while his adult counterpart as 'wild'." said Captain Falcon.
"He does have a very 'Wild' personality." Said Samus, remember all the times he got her, Mario, and DK into some crazy adventures. But that was a story for another time.
"So how'd you convince those two to go hiking with you?" Asked Chrom.
"Well Link's always been an outdoors man, given how he was raised amongst the Kokiri, while Lucina thinks this trip might help her get ready to fight Grima, or something." Replied Captain Falcon.
Samus then turned to Chrom. "Your future Daughter has some serious issues, my friend."
"I know, it's embarrassing." Sighed Chrom.
"My real goal is to climb this" Captain Falcon then showed the other two fighters a page form a magazine of some Hollywood actor.
"Chris Evans?" Asked Chrom as he arched his eye brow at Captain Falcon.
Captain Falcon then realized his mistake and immediately turned the page to the right section that had a mountain on it "Kilimanjaro!" He whispered in a deep voice.
"What Magazine is that?" asked Chrom.
Captain Falcon then turned to the cover of the magazine and whispered "People!"
"Damn it!" Snake yelled while walking up to the three's lunch table. Smash bros was inviting of all sorts of people, and no one made an impression on the populace more than Snake. Unfortunately for him, all the years of military work, as well as being a clone, has made him an old man. "Master hand just told me I can't do the new battle tank presentation to the smash board representatives."
"What? That's crazy?" Questioned Samus.
"Battle tank?" Questioned Chrom.
"Oh, I forgot, you're still new here." Said Samus. "The smash board of representatives is testing out a new tank battle to get the audience riled up. They kept putting off in that last three tournaments. Glad to see their finally going through with it." Samus then turned to Snake. "I think it's unfair that master hand isn't giving you a chance. I mean you have military service to Pete's sake."
"I think master hand is right. You're too old." Said Captain Falcon. "That's why I told master hand I'd do it."
Snake then had a look of betrayal on his face, followed by anger. "Who are you to say I'm too old?!"
"Snake, your age acceleration has caused you to become more slower in battle. Not only that, your also not aware of your surroundings anymore." Said captain Falcon.
"Hey, I may be an old man, but I'm still jumping with vigorous youth!" Argued Snake. "Name one time my age has kept me from being more awar-"
"Snake, you microwaved a sponge yesterday, thinking it was a hot pocket." Interrupted Captain Falcon. "You cooked it for 30 seconds, flipped over, cooked it another 30 seconds, and then took three bites out of it before realizing your mistake." That got snake to shut up. "You had so many opportunities to realize it wasn't food."
Snake then slammed his hands on the table and got to captain falcon's level. "Captain, Your gonna be my age one day! Just! You! Wait!"
"Snake, when I'm your age, I wanna be dead by then." Said Captain Falcon.
((0))
At the camping store, Captain Falcon, Lucina, and Young Link, or Link to his friends, were finished getting everything they needed for their big camping trip. Unfortunately for the three, they had to wait in a long line.
"Ugh, what is taking so long!" Captain Falcon sighed in frustration. He then looked to the end of the line to see an old man in an electric wheel chair at the front holding everybody up.
"What is it, old man day?" Captain Falcon asked. "What. Terrible holiday that'd be. Thousands of pigeons would die from over feeding."
Captain Falcon then decided that enough was a enough and walked forward to the front of the line to confront the old man.
"You're taking way to long here buddy!" Captain Falcon said to the old man. "I mean what could you possibly be buying, this isn't a pharmacy."
"Captain, go easy on him." Link said as he and Lucina walked up to him.
"I'm just being honest." Said Captain Falcon. "Old people just get in the way. Their lives are worthless! Young people like me actually do stuff. I work, as a smasher at least, I contribute, I'm gonna climb Mount Kilimanjaro this weekend. The only think this old geezer is gonna climb into is a lukewarm bath his Philippino nurse drew for him" Captain Falcon then forcefully turned the old man's electric wheel chair to him. "He'll yell at her for making it too hot but she knows it's just right. She'll never win with this guy. She'll just cool it off and then he'll yell at her for making it too cold! Thank god she has her herb garden to keep her sane."
"You know Captain, old people have their place in society." Said Lucina.
"Yeah, it's called a coffin" said Captain Falcon.
The old man, having enough of Captain falcon's elder abuse, gabbed him by the arm and turned the captain toward him. "Ingredior in meus calcueus quod von mos agnosco!"
He then let go of Captain falcon's arm and slowly left the store.
"What the hell did he just say?" Asked captain Falcon.
"Well it was in a foreign language, so it was probably something along the lines of 'You, young man can suck my'" Lucina then realized that Young Link was right next to her and said "Richard!"
"I think he said 'I'm losing the war against gingivitis' phew his breath really smelled." Said Link.
"I like your's, we're gonna go with your's" said Captain Falcon.
((0))
The next day captain Falcon woke up to his alarm clock and realized something was wrong. His brown hair was now getting and his young face was now wringling. "Ugh, I look terrible! I look like Ben Stiller 12 years ago."
Later captain Falcon was in the living room with robin, but unfortunately while the master tactician was reading his book, captain Falcon was too busy sleeping until he woke up with a fart. "Oh, what time is it."
"It's 7:45 am!" Said robin. "You've been sleeping through monk repeats and cutting wake up farts."
"What is it with me today?" Asked captain Falcon.
"I know, your acting so stupid man." Said robin.
Captain Falcon then tired desperately to get up, but he also found it increasingly difficult to do so, causing him to go back to sleep. He then farted himself awake. "I'm up, what did I miss?"
"See a doctor immediately, you're obviously dying." Said Robin.
((0))
At doctor Mario's office, captain Falcon, Link, and Lucina were waiting for the results.
"Well Captain Falcon, it seems you have aged." Said doctor Mario.
"I have aids?!" Asked Captain Falcon.
"No, not aids, AGED!" Said doctor Mario.
"I'm being paged." Said Captain Falcon.
"Not paged, AGED!" Said doctor Mario.
"I have aids, again?!" Asked captain Falcon.
Doctor Mario then rolled his eyes and got out a hearing aid and gave it to captain Falcon. "This should help your hearing, but more importantly, 2 months ago you were in great health but now you have the body of a 75 year old man."
"WHAT?!" Captain Falcon, Lucina, and Link asked in confusion.
"You're aging at an alarming rate." Said doctor Mario.
"How did this happen?" Asked Link.
"Well let's see." Doctor Mario then looked at his clipboard. "Do you smoke?"
"No." Replied captain Falcon.
"Are you president of the United state?" Asked doctor Mario.
Captain Falcon then looked and Link and Lucina who shook their heads at him. "No."
"Have you recently been cursed or hexed recently by someone old or magical." Asked doctor Mario.
"Captain, I think that creepy guy at the camp store hexed you and now you're turning into an old man." Said Lucina.
"Wait are hexes even real?" Asked Captain Falcon.
"I find that most things are." Said doctor Mario.
((0))
In the media room of smash mansion, captain Falcon was sitting on the couch as he now looks significantly older. While he was sitting there, link got a bunch of dvds out while Lucina was reading a book on Latin.
"Hey what's going on?" Asked Robin walking in.
"Captain Falcon got hexed, so I rented a bunch of hexed base Disney movies to figure out how to break it." Replied Link. "First up, Freaky Friday."
"That's a body switching movie, kid." Said Robin. "You wanna know about hexes, watch the Shaggy dog. You wanna learn how to feel, and I mean really feel. Watch Marley and Me."
"Thy phrase the old man said to Captain was in Latin." Said Lucina. "But I can't seem to find the translation."
"What did he say exactly?" Asked Robin.
"I think it was Ingredium? mosumg Costco?" Guessed Lucina.
"Ingredior In Meus Calceus quod vos mos agnosco." Repeated Robin. "It means walk in my shoes, and you will know. It's a pretty good hex."
"How do you know all about hexes?" Asked Captain Falcon.
"My wife,Tharja, is a dark a mage. She always practices hexes." Said Robin. "Mostly on me and future Noire."
"Well I'm not giving into this hex!" Shouted a determined Captain Falcon. "I'm a young man, and by Gum, I'm gonna live like a young man."
"Did you just say 'by gum'?" Laughed Lucina.
"You rotten kids." Captain Falcon shook his fist at Lucina.
((0))
The next day, at the dining all Chrom and Samus were having lunch once again when Captain Falcon came in dressed in baggy shorts, Nike's sneakers, a black t-shirt with a skull in it, and skateboard in hand.
"How do you do, fellow young people?" Asked Captain Falcon.
"Okay, what's with the get up Captain?" Asked Samus.
"Oh noting, I just got back from beer pong, Coachella and didn't have time to change." Explained Captain Falcon in an obvious lie.
Just then, Master hand came by the table to greet Captain Falcon. "Why hell Shia Labouf, I loved you in Holes." His statement got Captain falcon's hopes up but then he said "I'm just kidding Captain, you look ridiculous in that get up." This made Captain Falcon sad again. "Now let's get a move on, we have the new battle tanks to show off to the board of directs."
"Is that a hearing aid in your ear?" Asked Chrom.
Thinking fast, Captain Falcon said "no it's my blue tooth." He then got a paper clip and put it in his hearing aid. "Yo what up slick, it's my Homie slick, all right slick I'll see you later." Just in the paper clip for off his hearing aid.
"Captain you didn't tell slick I said hello! Slick and I were Homies long before you two were." Said Master hand.
((0))
Over in the arena, the smash board of directors were seated, along with Snake, Samus, and Chrom. "Gentlemen, I present to you the first presentation of Suoer Smash brothers newest segment: Tank battle!"
Just as a tank drove into view, snake got very pissed. "Crab apples!"
"Gentlemen, I say this, it will get the audience all riled up and ready for more." Master hand then signaled caption Falcon to start.
Inside the tank, Captain Falcon was busy reading a book about Hawaii when he got the signal. Just as he was ready to start the tank for the presentation, he was unaware of his surroundings and thus drove out of control. Snake saw this and smiled coyly. Just as captain Falcon got a hold of the tank, he drove it to the bleacher, with Samus and Chrom barely making it out the way. The smash board, not so much.
As Master Hand looked at the ruins of the stadium in shock, Snake turned to master hand, with a smug smile, and said "that went well."
((0))
At the media room, an even older captain Falcon walked in with a box full of his stuff. He was now hunched over, lost all his hair, and now was very pale.
"Captain, what happened?" Asked Link.
"The smash board of directors put me on temporary leave." Said Captain Falcon.
"What? Why what happened?" Asked Link.
"Oh nothing, I filed something wrong." Said Captain Falcon. "Certainly it wasn't because I killed master Hand's secretary."
"Oh captain, I'm sorry this happened to you." Lucina said as she place a comforting hand in captain Falcon.
"They also said I have dementia." Sighed Captain Falcon. "You know what, they were right to do it. I'm a useless old man. I have no sense of temperature, I have a pocket full of wet hankies, and all I want is 45 more seconds to speak at a town council meeting."
"Just hang in there Captain, we'll figure out how to break this hex."
"You know, in every classic hex movie, the victim has to prove himself by performing some grand feat." Said Robin. "Like for instance, in The Santa Clause, Tim Allen had to deliver all of Santa's in presents on Christmas Eve to break his Cocain hex."
"What did the old man say again?" Asked Captain Falcon.
"Something about walking a mile in his shoes." Said Link
Captain Falcon than thought about it for a moment. The old man wanted him to walk a mile in his shoes. What did he mean by that? His eyes then landed on people magazine with Mt. Kilimanjaro on it. "That's it. Kilimanjaro! He wants me to climb Kilimanjaro! But as an old man."
"I don't know about that, Captain." Said Lucina
"Now hold up, Lucy." Said Robin. "He did tell the old man wanted to climb it."
"How did you hear about that?" Asked Captain Falcon.
"Guys, I got ears, my ears got ears." Said Robin.
"Tharja?" Guessed Lucina.
"Oh yeah!" Said Robin.
Link then got a bright smile on his face. "You know what Captain, if climbing Kilimanjaro is what's going to help you break this hex then we'll go with you."
"We're with you no matter what." Said Lucina.
"Thanks you two." Captain Falcon smiled at Link and Lucina.
((0))
The following weekend, Captain Falcon, Link, and Lucina were In Tarzania, ready to climb Mt Kilimanjaro. At the base, the trio were wearing hiking gear and Captain Falcon got his walking stick with a bright smile on his face. This was it. He was going to break that hex.
"Alright kids, let's climb that mountain and break that hex!" Said Captain Falcon. Right as they were beginning to walk the path to the top of the mountain, Captain Falcon said "per break and went to the bushes.
Link and Lucina then stood there and waited until he was finished, but given how old Captain Falcon was getting, it made it harder for his to pee.
Just then, Lucina slapped Link's chest "ow!" He cried out until he as that a mosquito was the reason why he received the slap as it was on the ground, clinging to life.
"Oh, look at the poor little guy, it's still alive." Said Link, looking at the mosquito on the ground.
"Oh yeah, I guess so." Said Lucina.
Just then Captain falcon's hearing aid was acting up and he adjusted it only to hear Link and Lucina talking.
"We, should kill him, put him out of his misery." Lucina suggested about the mosquito on the floor.
"Yeah, I'm sure he'd rather be dead than to live like this." Link said as he squashed the Mosquito, killing it.
While Link and Lucina started taking pictures with one another, Captain Falcon stood there in shock. "Oh god, they took me out here to kill! They don't believe me climbing Kilimanjaro will break the curse. They think I'm gonna be a burden on them forever. If you're going to take me out here and shoot me, well guess what kids, I'm gonna kill you before you have the chance to kill me. This old man luckily still has a few good tricks up his sleeve."
((0))
At night, Link, Lucina, and Captain Falcon set up camp with Lucina cooking some stew. But captain Falcon wasn't interested in eating the time traveler's cooking, thinking she might've poisoned it.
"Captain, you should eat something." Suggested Link
"Yeah, I'm not in the mood for poison." Captain Falcon grumbled at Link and Lucina.
"Links right captain, you're gonna need your strength if you wanna make it to the top." Lucina then handed Captain Falcon a bowl of stew.
Captain Falcon then slapped the bowl away, shocking Lucina. "Oops, sorry, I'm just a shaky old man. Can't control of my body. Or my mouth. TOO MANY SWORD FIGHTERS IN SMASH!!! See I don't even believe that." He explained. He then whispered "I believe it a a little."
After dinner was finished, Link and Lucina retreated into the shared tent. When they went shopping for camping supplies, Captain Falcon didn't need a tent as he could sleep under the stars. But now that he's an old man, Link insisted he have his tent while he share with Lucina. But Captain thought this was all a ruse to get him him sleep alone and for them to take him out. But what Captain didn't know that Link just wanted to get closer to Lucina.
"Now which one should I kill first?" Captain Falcon whispered to himself. "Link!" With a sadistic smile, he slowly creeped into their tent to see Link cuddling up to Lucina, while she laid flat on her back. "Sorry kiddo, but I'm making it to the top of the mountain and breaking that hex and you kids aren't gonna stop me!" He then raised his knife in the air, but before he could get the job done, he had fallen asleep.
That morning, Captain Falcon was still asleep in the tent with his knife raised in the air. Link snuck behind Captain Falcon and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Hey Captain." This made Captain plunge his knife straight into the empty sleeping bag.
Link then got Captain Falcon out of the tent to see Lucina a putting the stuff away. "Looks like you did a little sleep waking last night. You had a knife and figured you were gonna widely something so we went ahead and did it for you."
Link the festered to a tree with carvings of multiple people. "It's the five hosts of Family Fued. From Richard Dawson through Steve Harvey."
"You forgot John O'Hurly" said Captain Falcon.
"I told you!" Link said to Lucina as she playfully rolled her eyes at him.
((0))
Later that day, Link and Lucina were making it further up the mountain only to feel some weird liquid touching them.
"What is this?" Link asked captain Falcon as he was right behind them.
"Sorry what are my neck boils Bursted" explained Captain Falcon "hehe, don't grow old." What they didn't know ''twas that Captain flap me as holding a bottle of gasoline behind his back. The two simply shrugged at the Captain and continued to hike only to get more gasoline on their backs. Glaring at Captain Falcon, he awkwardly said "whoops, guess I still had some."
As Link and Lucina started to him again, Captain Falcon made a trial of gasoline to a nearby bush and got out a light. "Let's light em up!"
But once again, due to Captain falcon being an old man, he couldn't even light the gasoline as he fell right to sleep again.
"Captain?" Lucina said as she closed the lighter for Captain Falcon, waking him up. "Hey captain, we found you holding a lighter. Bon jovi isn't gear Captain. Your on a mountain."
Lucina then gave Captain Falcon a sweet smile while he simply glared at her. His plan failed again.
((0))
The three were now closer to the mountain. The captain had run off, leaving and link and Lucina confused over where he was.
"I'm worried about Captain." Said Lucina. "Where did he go now?"
"He said something about orientals and end to go find a tooth pick." Said Link.
The then started calling out for Captain Falcon, where he was, they were going to find him.
"Help, children." Captain Falcon said as he was clutching his leg. "I've lost my equilibrium."
"Captain, are you okay?" Lucina said as she help captain Falcon get up.
"Thank you for help an old man." Said Captain Falcon. "NOW THIS!" He then got out a knife and slashed Lucina on the cheek and Link on the side of his chest!
"What are you doing?" asked a shocked Link.
"Killing you before you kill me." Explained Captain Falcon as he tried to stab link only for him to get out of the ah and help Lucina up.
Link and Lucina then started to run the hell away from Captain Falcon. "We're not trying to kill you, you have dementia!"
"Crab apples!" Said Captain Falcon as he chased after the two.
Link and Lucina then realize that the only way for them to get away from Captain is by making it to the top of the mountain so the two ran and climbed as fast as they could from a crazed captain Falcon as he was right on their trail.
((0))
Right at the near top of the mountain, Link and Lucina were trying to climb away from captain, he grabbed her ankle and through her to a nearby ledge, possible breaking a few of her bones. Right as Link got to the top, Captain Falcon stabbed him in the shoulder, knocking the poor kid out.
As captain Falcon saw the flag on top of the mountain, he squealed with delight. He the. Climbed to the flaps and gripped his hands around it's pole. "I did it. I made it to the top. MAKE ME YOUNG AGAIN!!!" Nothing happened. He was still an old man. "Um... hello, anybody there." Just the then the flag broke and Croatian Falcon was sent falling down the mountain.
However due to the amount of legdes on the mountain, as well as his endurance, he managed not to get hurt too much.
As he made it to the bottom of a mountain, a hiker ran up to him.
"Oh my god, are you okay?" Asked the young hiker.
"No, I didn't break the hex. I'm still old." Said Captain Falcon.
"That's an understatement! You're ancient." The hiker said with a cruel sneer. "What are you even doing over here? Junking up the mountain with you old bones"
"Hey!" Captain Falcon then got up.
"You should be at home, sitting on a padded toilet seat." Said the hiker.
"You're not very nice." Said Captain Falcon. "I just climbed to the top of that mountain."
"Did you really climb it?" asked the hiker. "Or were you just having another senior moment."
"Hey, listen, I used to hunt hunk like you too." Said Captain Falcon. "But I was wrong. I accomplices a big dream of mine today and I did it as an old man. I admit it, it's not fun being old. But we can still love rich productive lives."
Captain Falcon then started glowing. "Dude you're dying. You're going to heaven right now. Hey, if you see my grandma, ask her why her breath was so nasty?!"
Captain Falcon then looked at his arms and noticed they were getting less pale. "No, I'm dying. I broke the hex! Your elder abuse has made me realize what it truly feels to be old. That's what the old man wanted to be to learn empathy or sympathy. Which ever one fits." He smiled as he was getting younger and younger.
While he was talking to the hiker, two guys climbed down the mountain with Link and Lucina holding onto their shoulders.
"Kids, kids look! I broke the hex!" Captain Falcon said to Link and Lucina. "I'm getting young again."
"That's really great Captain." Grumbled a very tired Link.
"Yeah, Captain, we're very proud of- oh boy" Lucina then noticed something was wrong with captain Falcon.
"What? What now?" Captain Falcon asked but noticed his voice was very feminine. He then looked down and realized his body was more slimmer, his chest was more proportionate, his skin was darker, and he was now sporting long red hair. "You have got to be kidding me!"
"Quick Captain, think! What was the last interaction you had with Ganondorf?" Asked Lucina.
Captain Falcon then thought about it. "It was at dinner last Friday night and it was NOT positive!"
All Link could do was slap his own forehead.
The end!
Well that was fun. To see more adventure offighters of smash brothers,leave a review about my story.