"Duke…I found her….Oh no….oh no….she can't be…..it's too late. WE WERE TOO LATE!" Two years later those words still ran through Conrad Hauser's mind over and over again daily causing his chest to tighten and his breath to feel restricted. Tears would rise to the surface. Sometimes he could swallow them down but other times, like right now, they spilled over like he was back at ground zero of that tragic day. They had been minutes too late in finding Scarlett. Cobra had already killed her. Chained her to the wall and slit her throat, letting the blood run down her uniform before pooling in a puddle on the concrete floor. They knew killing her would kill him too, and in a sense it had. It had killed the part of him that wanted to be a joe. Within weeks, he left the force and moved to Washington, D.C. taking some bullshit bureaucratic job that Colonel Sharp had offered him so he escape from the memories of everything he had shared with her.
He wasn't at work today, however. It was the second anniversary of her death and he barely had been able to get out of bed. So far he had gotten dressed and made himself a drink. Drinking was his choice on how to deal with the pain on a daily basis. Sometimes he drank so much he wouldn't even be able to make it to bed and would wake up the next morning on the couch after passing out. He much preferred sleeping on the couch anyway. Too many memories haunted him while lying in bed. He looked at the glass in his hand and swirled it around mixing up the leftover ice cubes and whiskey when there was a knock at the door.
Duke shuffled to the door and looked out the peephole to see his old teammates Flint and Lady Jaye, who were now going by their civilian names Allie and Dash, waiting for him to open the door.
"I don't remember you calling and ask to visit." Conrad grumbled after swinging the door open.
"Nice to see you too." Allie snorted and walked in. Conrad couldn't help but notice she had put on a little weight since the last time he saw her, which was a few weeks after Shana's funeral.
"Letting yourself go, Allie?" Conrad snarled in response.
Allie turned around her mouth dropped open and her eyes filled with anger, "It's called being pregnant, Conrad, and maybe if you would pick up the phone and talk to us you would know that!" She turned to Dash, "I told you it would be a waste of time to come here."
"Conrad, we're on our way to Arlington and wanted to know if you'd like to come with us." Dash offered peacefully.
"No thanks." Conrad immediately responded turning his back to them.
"I told you he wouldn't go. He's too selfish to think of anyone else's pain but his own!" Allie exclaimed. Conrad turned around, his eyes blazing with rage.
"How dare you! Shana was my life! She was my everything!" Conrad roared in her face.
"So come with us and help us honor her!" Allie exclaimed.
"Allie, c'mon, today is a hard day for all of us." Dash tried to calm her down.
Allie whirled around to face Dash, "NO! I'm tired of letting him off the hook! He doesn't return calls, doesn't write. He didn't even have the COURTESY to RSVP to our wedding. This is NOT how Shana would want him to live his life!" Allie then turned back to Conrad. "Shana was like a sister to me and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't cry that she's gone. She couldn't be at our wedding and she'll never meet this sweet baby that Dash and I created. Do you know who IS alive and could have been at our wedding? YOU! Instead, you drop off the face of the Earth and leave us to grieve both you and Shana!" Allie screamed.
"Allie, be careful of your blood pressure." Dash warned.
"I'm done. I said what I needed to say. We can go." Allie softly replied as she calmed herself.
"Wait for me downstairs. I want to talk to Conrad alone." Dash squeezed her hand. Allie nodded and left the apartment.
Once she closed the door Dash began, "She's not wrong, Conrad. We miss you and we're worried about you."
"Well, you can stop. I thought I made it pretty obvious that I didn't want to be a part of your and Allie's life anymore." Conrad dropped his gaze to the floor.
"Cut the bullshit, man. We've been pals for too long to end things like this. Talk to me." Dash begged. Conrad looked at him and could see the worry in his friend's eyes.
"I don't know how to do this, Dash. I don't know how to go on when my sole reason for living is dead." Conrad replied, his voice wavering. "And I'm sorry for not coming to your wedding but it would have been too much. Just another reminder of what was taken from me."
"I won't lie. It really sucked you weren't there." Dash stuffed his hands in his pockets, "but I can understand that. Why haven't you returned any of our calls though?"
"What for? I don't feel like pretending that everything is fine and I don't want to hear how everyone is moving on with their lives. I'd rather just be left alone." Conrad spat.
"I'm sorry you felt that you couldn't talk to us." Dash apologized, "but I hope you know you never have to pretend with us. We'll always have your six."
"I just didn't want to burden anyone. Some days the grief is so deep I can't even get out of bed. No one wants to hear about that." Conrad shook his head.
"I want to hear about it. Call me. Let me shoulder the grief with you. You don't have to go through this alone." Dash implored. "You're scaring me the way you are talking. I don't want to lose another friend."
"You know some days I think Shipwreck had the right idea." Conrad clenched his fists.
"NO! Conrad! No! Blowing your brains out is NOT the right idea!" Dash exclaimed vehemently.
"He's not hurting anymore though, is he?" Conrad challenged.
"He's not feeling anything anymore!" Dash exclaimed and grabbed Conrad by the shoulders. "You think Shana would want you to do something like that?"
"I just want to be with her." Conrad immediately broke down.
"I know, buddy, and someday you will…but it's not for you to decide when." Dash grabbed him and pulled him into a fierce hug which lasted a good long while.
After regaining some of his composure Conrad sobbed, "I miss her so much."
"I know you do. We all do." Dash consoled him. When the sobbing quieted Dash offered again, "I think you should come with us. I think it will make you feel better."
"What if it makes me feel worse?" Conrad sniffled.
"Buddy, I don't think that would be possible. You're already there." Dash rubbed his shoulder. Conrad thought on Dash's words before tentatively nodding in agreement to go.
XXXX
"What took you so long? I hope you reamed him out some more." Allie grumbled when she saw Flint step off of the elevator.
"Actually…" Flint replied as Conrad stepped out of the elevator.
"Oh." Allie replied surprised. The three of them walked out and got into Dash's car silently.
"Dash, can we make a stop? I'd like to take some flowers." Conrad softly requested after Dash turned on the engine.
"Yeah, sure, buddy. I know a place." Dash agreed.
As they drove, Duke stared out the window his mind drifting back to the worst day of his life.
***Flashback***
The mission to find Scarlett and free her from Cobra was in its final stage and the joes had infiltrated the Cobra base.
"Shipwreck, you and Roadblock go left. Rock N Roll and Gung Ho you go right, Stalker and I will go straight through the center." Duke ordered.
"Yo Joe!" everyone cheered and went off in the directions they were commanded. Duke and Stalker immediately started blasting through every Cobra guard they came across as they ran through the large corridor. They eventually came to a large control room but it was empty. Gung Ho and Rock n Roll came in moments later from another door.
"No sign of Scarlett or the main snakes." Rock n Roll reported.
"Duke…I found her!" Shipwreck's voice called out over the radio. Before Duke could respond back he heard Shipwreck's screams that made his blood run cold, "Oh no….oh no….she can't be… it's too late….WE WERE TOO LATE!."
"SHIPWRECK! REPORT!" Duke screamed into his mic. There was no answer. "FUCK!" Duke screamed. He and the others ran back to the point where the teams had split and went to the left to find Shipwreck and Roadblock. As they ran down the hall Roadblock stopped them.
"Duke…" he started.
"Where is she? I need to see her!" Duke barked.
"No, man…she wouldn't want you to see her like this." Roadblock shook his head.
"Get out of my way!" Duke growled and tossed Roadblock out of the way like he was as light as a feather.
He heard Shipwreck wail from a nearby room and immediately followed the sound. He entered the room to see Scarlett chained by her hands and feet to the wall, her body drooping and head hanging forward. The front of her uniform was saturated in blood and a pool of blood had collected at her boots. Shipwreck was on his knees directly in front of her shaking in sobs.
"Duke, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!" Shipwreck whimpered after noticing Duke had joined him in the room. "It was already too late. I'm sorry!"
Duke lifted up Scarlett's head and to reveal a deep slash across her throat, the skin on her neck stained red where the blood had spilled down. He swallowed the giant lump that had formed in his throat and quickly removed his bandolier and ripped the sleeve of his uniform off and tied it around Scarlett's neck like a tourniquet.
"It's okay, Shipwreck, Doc will fix it." Duke replied. He pulled out his gun and zapped the chains. Scarlett's body fell towards him and he cradled her lifeless body in his arms.
"Hang on, Baby Girl. I'm getting you to Doc." Duke whispered. He then talked into the radio to have Doc ready in the med chopper.
"I don't think…" Shipwreck started getting up from his knees.
"DOC WILL FIX IT! LET'S MOVE!" Duke roared. Shipwreck grabbed Duke's bandolier and they rejoined the group in the hallway.
"Oh my god…" Stalker whispered as Duke and Shipwreck came running towards them.
"LET'S MOVE, SOLDIERS! WE HAVE TO GET TO DOC ASAP!" Duke barked as he stormed past them to the entrance of the Cobra base.
The group made it out and raced towards the med chopper. Duke climbed on board and laid Scarlett down on the stretcher inside and Doc immediately assessed her.
"What can I do to help?" Duke asked his eyes not leaving Scarlett. When Doc didn't respond quickly, Duke lifted his eyes to meet Doc's.
Doc's lips were trembling and he shook his head. "Conrad, I'm sorry."
Duke's body bristled and he banged his fists down on the stretcher so hard it made Scarlett's head turn to the side. "FIX IT! SAVE HER!" he roared.
"There's nothing I can do. I'm sorry." Doc whispered as a tear fell down his cheek.
"PLEASE!" Duke shouted, "PLEASE, DOC! DO SOMETHING!"
"I wish I could. I'm so sorry." Doc's voice trembled as more tears began to fall.
Duke turned his attention to Scarlett and stroked her forehead as he forcefully whispered, "Shana, don't leave me! Please, I'll do anything! Don't leave me!"
"Conrad...she's already gone." Doc's voice faltered as grief took over.
Duke looked up at Doc as tears glistened in his eyes, before turning back to Scarlett. He knelt down and put his head next to her ear and whispered, "Please, I love you. I need you here with me." Tears started pouring down his cheeks as the reality of the situation began to sink in. A bellowing animalistic howl erupted from deep inside him as he collapsed at her side and wept at the death of his beloved.
**End Flashback**
"Conrad?" Allie's voice called snapping him out of his thoughts. He looked at her wondering why she had called his name. Dash was no longer in the car. "We're at the florist. Dash said you wanted to get flowers?" Conrad looked out the window and they were indeed parked in front of a florist.
"Where is Dash?" Conrad asked confused.
"He's getting some flowers too. He's already in the shop." Allie informed him.
"Oh…" Conrad replied wondering why Dash hadn't waited for him.
"We called your name to let you know we arrived but you were pretty lost in your thoughts." Allie answered as if she knew what he had been wondering.
"Yeah, it's hard not to reflect on memories today." Conrad replied feeling the same kind of lump in his throat that he had felt two years ago.
"It is. I'm sorry I yelled at you." Allie apologized.
"I'm sorry I gave you reasons to yell at me." Duke apologized back. They both nodded in acceptance of each other's apology before Conrad got out of the car.
He entered the shop to see Dash at the counter while the salesperson put the finishing touches on a bouquet of colorful wildflowers.
"Shana always loved rainbows." Conrad commented on the flowers.
"Yeah, she did. I think she truly believed there was a leprechaun with a pot of gold at the end of them." Dash chuckled.
"Yeah" Conrad agreed as a smile gently tugged at his lips. He remembered a time when he and Shana had wrapped up an assignment early and had some downtime still on location. It had been raining and a gorgeous rainbow appeared in the sky. One of the brightest Conrad had ever seen. Shana begged him to chase it until they found the end. Of course, he did it. He could never say no to her. So they drove and drove and drove, finally pulling over near a giant open field once the rainbow eventually disappeared. They got out of the rental car and hiked so far into the field that they were barely visible to the road. Scarlett pulled him to her and passionately kissed him before tackling him into the grass where they ended up making love. Afterwards, Scarlett had told him being with him was better than any pot of gold she could ever find. He had told her she was his treasure at the end of the rainbow.
"Con, you're up to order." Dash nudged him. "I'll see you in the car."
Conrad turned his attention towards the salesperson, "I suppose you don't have 730 red roses."
"No, sir. That's a pretty big order. We'd have to put in a special order for that quantity." The salesperson replied. "Would you like to start an order?"
"No, no, that's okay. I'll just take 2 dozen. Make sure you pick the most beautiful ones."
"Of course, sir." The salesperson replied and went into the back briefly and came out with two gorgeous bouquets of red roses. "I hope these are to your liking?"
"Yes, they're perfect. Thank you." Conrad replied and the salesperson dressed them up in a little more tissue paper and cellophane before ringing up the order. Conrad paid quickly and went back out to the car.
"I'm going to have to keep this place on my radar. They have really nice flowers." Dash commented once Duke had reentered the car.
"You two still fight enough that Dash needs to keep a florist on speed dial?" Conrad asked teasingly.
Allie laughed, "No, I think we both settled down a bit once we put rings on our fingers."
"Well, that's true….until you got pregnant. Now I could sneeze and you might cry and be mad at me." Dash teased.
"Pregnancy hormones are no joke." Allie agreed before realizing the conversation had slid into topics that might be sensitive for Conrad, "Con, I didn't mean…"
"It's alright. It's something I have to start getting used to. Time and people moving on…" Conrad absentmindedly turned his face to look out the window.
"But always remembering Shana." Allie reached her hand back and Conrad turned to look at her and reached out his hand and squeezed hers. Dash put his hand on top of theirs. They let go and Dash pulled out of the parking spot and they began the drive to Arlington. Both Allie and Conrad turned to look out their windows. Conrad's thoughts drifted back to when he and his team arrived back to headquarters after the failed attempt at rescuing Scarlett alive.
***Flashback***
Duke had been crying the majority of the chopper ride back to headquarters. They were scheduled to arrive in about five minutes. Doc had been quiet the whole ride, leaving Duke to grieve freely.
Doc put his hand on Duke's shoulder and softly consoled, "Conrad, I just want to tell you when we land at headquarters I'm going to have to take her. I suspect there will be a lot of friends waiting on the tarmac to say goodbye to her and to comfort you. If I may suggest, you might want to say your goodbyes here while it will be more private."
This brought on a fresh new wave of sobs out of Duke, his shoulders jerking up and down under the weight of grief. "Doc, this can't be the end! Please tell me it's not the end!" Duke wailed.
Doc squeezed Duke's shoulder, "I really want to, Duke, but it's already out of my hands. You know time is of the essence. I have to take her as soon as we touch down."
Duke let out a huge moan of grief as tears continued pouring down his face. He wiped his face over a few times, realizing the effort to dry it was futile. He looked down at Scarlett trying to force himself to remember everything about her because he knew it would be one of the last times he would see her. The shades of copper in her hair, the paleness of her creamy skin, the well-toned muscles on her arms and legs easily seen through her uniform. Doc had positioned Scarlett on her back with her arms folded, her hands laying on top of her stomach. Duke instinctively reached and put his hand over her hands. They were already so cold.
"Baby Girl, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry we didn't get there in time…that I couldn't save you." Duke choked out before the sobs took over. "I was supposed to protect you and I failed. I'll never be able to forgive myself for that." More sobs took over, "But I promise you I will make every one of those Cobra bastards pay for what they have done. I will kill every one of them with my bare hands." Duke's voice began to tremble harder, "How am I supposed to go on without you? You're my heart and soul…my everything. I want to marry you. Have babies with you." Duke paused as more sobs overtook him. "Oh my god, this can't be happening! This is a nightmare and I want to wake up! Please, Baby Girl, tell me this is a nightmare…this can't be real! I need you!" Duke moaned. "This can't be where we say goodbye…it can't. I love you too much for this to be the end. There will never EVER be anyone that will touch my heart like you have. You're it for me. My soulmate. Forever." Duke could hear the pilot begin the landing sequence which brought on more sobs knowing his time with her was coming to an end, "Shana Margaret O'Hara, you're the best thing that ever happened to me and I will never ever let go of our love. My heart is with you forever." The chopper touched down with a surprisingly gentle bump. "Until we meet again, my love." Trembling, Duke gave her a final kiss on her forehead.
"Duke, you should let my team go first. Let me get Scarlett where I need to take her. Your friends are here to help you." Doc suggested as the chopper blades came to a full stop.
Duke nodded with silent tears streaming down his face, "but please….just one more kiss.", he begged. Doc nodded and Duke once again brought his lips to her forehead but lingered a few seconds before moving his lips to her ear and he whispered, "I love you, Baby Girl, always and forever." He leaned back and Doc pulled a white sheet over her body. That's all Duke needed to break down again. Doc and his team unlocked the stretcher and began disembarking out of the chopper. Duke could hear the collective audible responses of grief after Doc and his team fully exited. Duke unsteadily disembarked and couldn't believe the site in front of him. It looked as if every available joe had come out to pay their respects. Immediately, Hawk, Flint, Lady Jaye, and Falcon emerged from the crowd and ran to him just in time to catch him as his legs gave out and he collapsed into them howling with agonizing grief. Flint and Falcon took the brunt of his weight as he fell and maneuvered their bodies so they were holding Duke up on either side of him.
"Duke! I can't believe it! Tell me it's not true!" Lady Jaye sobbed. All Duke could do was nod his head. "Oh my god! NO!" Lady Jaye screamed through her tears.
"They've never stooped so low. Why now? Why did they have to take our Scarlett?" Flint choked through his own sobs.
"Duke, I'm so sorry. I know how deeply you cared for her. I'm so sorry." Falcon tearfully replied.
"I honestly hate to say today is a day when evil won. But come tomorrow those snakes better be ready for one hell of a fight. They will pay for this. Mark my words." Hawk snipped bitterly. He put his hand on Duke's shoulder, "Son, I know there isn't a damn thing I can say to make this easier, but we are all here to support you." He turned his head slightly to address the small group, "Gang, help him inside and stay with him. I need to talk to the others on the mission and I'll be back to see him as soon as I can."
**End Flashback**
Conrad felt someone tap his shoulder and turned his head to see Dash was next to him.
"Hey, pal, we're here." Dash softly announced.
Conrad could feel the wetness on his cheeks and realized he had been crying. He quickly wiped his eyes, "Sorry."
"Nothing to apologize for. You ready to get out?" Dash asked.
"Yeah, but you guys go ahead. I need a little time still." Conrad replied.
"Okay." Dash nodded. He got out of the car on the opposite side. Conrad grabbed the flowers from his lap and went out his side. He shut the car door and turned around, watching Dash and Allie walk slowly towards Shana's grave. In the distance he could see that there were lots of fresh flowers already by her tombstone.
He felt the familiar lump of grief forming in his throat and his legs felt week. He reached out and leaned against a tree for support as his memories took him back to the day of the funeral.
***Flashback***
Duke awoke to a knocking at his door. For a minute, he even forgot where he was. Then it hit him like a ton of bricks bringing him back into the nightmare he was living. He was in Washington, D.C. for Shana's funeral. A small group of joes had been selected to attend, the rest watching from headquarters. Most of the small group were staying at a nearby military base but Duke, Flint, Hawk, and Lady Jaye had been extended complimentary hotel rooms.
He slowly rose out of bed and trudged to the door as the knock persisted and was getting louder. He opened the door to see Flint already in is dress uniform on the other side. Flint immediately stepped in the room.
"Conrad, the car is coming to pick us up in 40 minutes. I stopped by to see if you wanted to join Allie and I for breakfast. Why aren't you dressed?" Flint asked shocked at Duke's appearance.
"I decided I'm not going." Duke flatly replied closing the door.
"Conrad! You can't be serious!" Flint exclaimed.
"I don't want to see the casket. It makes it final…and I'm not ready." Duke shook his head as he felt that all too familiar wave of grief beginning to rise inside him.
Flint grabbed Duke by the shoulders and gave him a shake. "Look I know this will be the hardest thing you will ever do but you've got to do it. Shana was one of the best soldiers ever to grace the military. Her life deserves to be honored. Don't ruin it by not being there. You owe it to her as her commanding officer." Duke opened his mouth to argue when Flint added, "and the man she loved."
Duke began to sob, "I can't face her father. I promised him I'd protect her and I failed…"
"He saw first-hand how dangerous Shana's job was when he and his sons were put under Cobra's mind control. He's not going to blame you." Flint sympathetically replied.
"I can't do it, Dash…." Duke sobbed.
"Yes, you can. You worry about disappointing her father? Think of how disappointed he'll be that you couldn't be bothered to show up. How do you think he'd take that?" Flint argued. "Today is about honoring Shana and you WILL be there. Get your ass in the shower and clean yourself up. And if you still fight me on this, I swear to God when the car arrives, I will throw you in it looking just like you are. I'm not joking."
Duke nodded as Flint's words sunk in. He was right, of course. The only thing worse than facing her father would be NOT facing him today. The man had fully trusted him with his daughter's heart and how undeserving of it would he be if he didn't show up when it really counted? Without another word he moved into the bathroom, took a quick shower, shaved, and got dressed. He took once last look at himself in the bathroom mirror and the grief took over.
"Hey, buddy…" Flint consoled coming to the doorway of the bathroom after hearing the sobs.
"I just…for a moment…" Duke turned while wiping the tears from his face, "This is what I'd be wearing on our wedding day."
"C'mere, man." Flint replied and pulled Duke into a strong hug. "We all wish we were wearing our dress uniforms for a different reason." He let Duke cry on him until the grief subsided on its own after a few minutes. Once Duke's emotions were under control again Flint suggested that they go to the lobby to meet Allie. The car would be there any minute.
His memory of the car ride to the church was foggy at best. The next thing he could recall clearly was being in line to extend his sympathy to her brothers, their wives, and father. He couldn't help to notice how the usually strong and strapping men all looked so broken and weak. He supposed he looked quite similar as well. He certainly felt more broken and weak with every step he took closer to them and the casket. He couldn't even really remember his interactions with the brothers and the wives, only that there were a lot of hugs and tears. And then finally he was standing in front of Patrick O'Hara.
"Sir…" Duke's voice trembled. Patrick immediately pulled him into a hug and they both began to cry.
"It's alright, me boy." Patrick sniffled.
"It's not. I'm sorry. I-" Duke sobbed.
"Hush now, there's no need for apologies." Patrick replied rubbing Duke's back.
After a few minutes Duke pulled away but was still crying, "I failed her. I failed you. I told you I would protect her."
"And you did. You went fightin' to get her back. I have no doubt you tried your hardest. The only ones to blame for this are those evil Cobra terrorists." Patrick coldly snapped through tears.
"And they will pay for it. I will make sure of that." Duke firmly responded with a nod.
"You know, Conrad, you'll always be family to us and you will always have a place to stay in Atlanta." Patrick had to stop to collect his emotions momentarily, "And we would be honored if you would sit with us during the service."
"It would be my honor, Sir." Duke gave a small bow.
"Good, Shana would want it that way." Patrick nodded bringing a tissue to his eyes. "We'll talk more later. Go say your goodbyes." Patrick nodded towards where Shana was laying. Duke nodded and moved down the line towards the open coffin.
He drew in a sharp breath as he approached it and laid his eyes on Scarlett for the first time since the medical chopper. She looked so peaceful as if she was in a deep sleep waiting for her Prince Charming to kiss her and wake her up so they could run off and have their happily ever after. If only that were the case.
"My Shana…my baby girl…" Duke whispered, looking down at her as his chest immediately tightened and tears began to roll down his cheeks. It had only been seven days since her death but it felt like it had been an eternity since he had last seen her. How was he supposed to live the rest of his life without her? It seemed impossible. He sniffed and took another deep breath as he stuffed his hand in his pocket and pulled out a small velvet box. "I picked this out for you weeks ago. My only regret is I never got to ask." He placed it inside the coffin where it would be inconspicuous. "It belongs to you, just like my heart. Forever and always. I'll never stop loving you." Duke sighed longingly, his eyes never leaving her.
After a few moments Duke felt a hand clasp on his shoulder and he turned to see Flint on one side and Lady Jaye on is other side.
"How you holding up, pal?" Flint asked.
"Terribly." Duke sighed wiping away some more tears.
"I can't believe we're here and this is actually happening." Lady Jaye whimpered.
"Agreed." Duke replied sniffling.
"After Allie and I say our goodbyes, how about if we go find our seats? I think they are about to open the viewing to the public and it's about to get really crowded in here." Flint suggested.
"I'm not ready to leave Shana yet. Plus, Mr. O'Hara requested I sit with the family." Duke replied.
"I'm sure Shana would agree that's where you belong." Lady Jaye replied and grabbed Duke's hand and squeezed it.
"Yes, she certainly would." Flint agreed. "We'll check on you in a little bit." Duke nodded and moved a few feet away from the casket. Close enough that he could still see Scarlett but far enough to not hear anyone's final conversation and goodbyes to her.
The rest of the viewing was like a whirlwind. Even though his heart was completely shattered, it still swelled with pride over the sheer number of politicians and military folk who had come to pay their final respects to one of the country's best soldiers. All of the top brass were there and even the Vice President of the United States had come. Finally, the last of the mourners had said their goodbyes and had taken their seats for the funeral mass. The family and Duke gathered in front of the casket for one last goodbye before being escorted to their seats in the front pew by the funeral director.
**End Flashback***
Duke couldn't remember much about the mass or the car ride to Arlington, just that his vision had been blurred by tears through all of it. What he did remember vividly was the actual burial at Arlington. He remembered the solemn walk behind the caisson carrying the casket. He remembered the sound of the Army band playing in the distance. He remembered the priest and the military chaplain both making remarks before the tears streamed down his face during the gun salute and the playing of Taps. Once the folded American flag and the card of condolences had been received by a sobbing Patrick O'Hara, Duke knew it wouldn't be long before he'd break down as well. Thank goodness the service concluded minutes later and he was able to release his grief without worrying if he would be a disturbance. It had been so hard to leave the cemetery that day.
In fact, once Duke returned to headquarters he found it hard to focus on anything. He didn't really want to be a joe anymore. It was too hard to be there without her. Col Sharp could sense Duke's unhappiness and found him a job in D.C. which he gladly accepted. He thought he'd feel relieved being closer to Shana's final resting place, but he couldn't bring himself to visit her grave. He tried to go on the one year anniversary of her death but on the drive there he had a full blown panic attack just seeing the sign for the cemetery and had to pull over. He turned around and went home ashamed and depressed that he couldn't hold it together to visit her grave. He hadn't dared to try again...until today. He looked at Dash and Allie who were starting to walk toward him. He'd have to thank them later, especially Dash for pushing him to come.
"She's all yours, buddy." Flint gave a half-hearted smile with tears glistening in his eyes.
"We'll wait for you in the car. Take your time." Allie put her hand on his shoulder.
Conrad nodded and proceeded towards her grave. By the time he got to her headstone, his hands were trembling so hard he almost dropped the flowers. There were two empty cones for them, one on either side of her headstone. Dash and Allie must have placed them for his flowers. He crouched down and put each bunch in a cone.
"24 roses for 24 months of missing you, baby girl." Conrad sighed. "There isn't a day that passes that I don't think of you." He could feel the tidal wave of grief rising up farther and father until he just broke down into sobs. "I'm so sorry Shana. I'm so sorry it's taken so long for me to visit you. I've tried before, but I couldn't do it. It's been so hard living without you. I have to force myself just to get out of bed…and honestly some days I can't even do that. I miss you so damn much. Every second…every minute…every hour…every day. It's such a nightmare living without you. It's torture. I've pushed away everything good, including Dash and Allie. I've really made a terrible life for myself. You took the sunshine away, baby girl, and I don't know how to make it stop raining.".
Conrad went onto his knees and then stretched out on his stomach over the grassy surface, desperate to feel close to her. He turned his head to the side pressing his ear to the earth. "Some days I just want to give up and end it all so I can be with you…like Shipwreck did." He let out a small sarcastic cackle, "Who would have thought I'd ever be jealous of that sailor?" Conrad nuzzled his head against the blades of glass, "but I know you'd be disappointed in me if I didn't wait until the Good Lord says it's my time to join you. So, I'll go through the motions and pray every night for Jesus to bring me to you. I know that sounds crazy, but if I can't be with you in this life then bring on what comes next. I can't wait to have you in my arms again, baby girl."
He turned his body to the side and slowly ran his hand across the grass as if she was lying next to him and he was running his hand down her body. "I meant what I said, Shana. You'll always be the love of my life." He sniffled as his tears ran freely down into the grass. "My heart and yours always and forever." Conrad laid in the grass quietly sobbing.
After a few minutes he heard Allie's voice quietly call out, "Con?" He looked to see both Dash and Allie had come back from the car.
"We saw you on the ground, we were worried something was wrong." Dash replied just as softly.
"Something is wrong. I'm here and she's not." Conrad's watery voice replied.
"Yeah, we all wish she was here." Dash sighed sadly.
"Con, we have something to ask you. Two things actually. It's something we have been praying on and after spending time here today…we know this is what we want to do." Allie replied. Conrad stood up and wiped away the grass that had stuck to his clothes.
"What is it?" Conrad asked curiously.
"We'd like to name our daughter Shana, but we wanted to make sure that was okay with you first." Allie nervously asked.
"You don't need my permission." Conrad shook his head.
"No, I know…but we'd like to have your opinion because we'd also like you to be her godfather." Allie replied. "We want to make sure you'd be comfortable with it since we hope you'll be around more."
"Allie, I don't know what to say. Are you sure?" Conrad asked shocked at the offer.
Allie nodded, "We love you Conrad and we want to include you and Shana in our family as much as we can."
"Little Shana is going to want to know all about her godmother in heaven and who will be better to tell her than her Uncle Conrad." Dash added.
"This means a lot, guys, especially after the past two years…" Conrad replied still in awe.
"It's all been forgiven. There's no one else we'd rather ask." Dash put his hand on Conrad's shoulder.
"As long as you're sure. I'd be honored." Conrad accepted. "And Shana sounds like a lovely name for your daughter. She'll have the best guardian angel anyone could ask for."
"Absolutely." Allie rubbed her belly affectionately. Her stomach growled loudly in response.
"Oh my, guess I'm hungrier than I thought." Allie chuckled.
"Con, care to join us for dinner before we drop you off?" Dash asked.
"That sounds great." Conrad nodded.
"Okay, we'll figure out where to eat in the car. Take your time." Allie replied before she and Dash headed back to the car.
"But not too much time. Allie gets really cranky when she's hungry. No one wants to experience her wrath!" Dash called over his shoulder. Allie elbowed him in the ribs. And for the first time in a long time he laughed. He felt the familiar warmth of the sun on his face and looked up to see the clouds had parted and the sun was shining brightly down.
"My God, baby girl, if that's not a sign, I don't know what is. He crouched down and kissed his hand and then touched the headstone, "I love you and I promise I'll visit again soon." He squeezed the stone affectionately before turning back to join Dash and Allie at the car.
They chose an Irish pub that happened to see on the way back to Conrad's apartment and spent the next few hours drinking, eating, and swapping good memories about Shana which erupted into much laughter. After the food was gone and their drinks had been finished, Conrad said with gratitude, "I really want to thank you both for coming to see me today. I don't deserve your friendship after basically deserting you the last two years. I'm pretty shocked you didn't write me off.
"You need only to be thanking Dash. "Allie softly replied, "I'm ashamed to admit I pretty much did. I was so mad at you for shutting us out that I didn't really care about how you were feeling. I think I made that pretty clear earlier today. That was wrong of me and I'm sorry." Allie replied sheepishly. "I just didn't know how else to deal with all the loss…especially after losing Hector. I didn't realize he was in such a dark place."
"I don't think any of us did. It's hard to keep tabs on people once you aren't stationed at the same base." Dash sighed sadly as he ripped his napkin into smaller pieces.
"He never stopped blaming himself for not getting to Shana in time. No matter how many times Hawk, Doc, and I reassured him he wasn't at fault." Conrad sighed. "Finding her really fucked him up."
"Of course it did. He was in love with her. Worshiped the ground she walked on even knowing he never had a chance." Allie replied almost in a trance. Both men looked at her. "Oh my God, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. Hector told me that in confidence once." Allie back peddled, her cheeks rouging a deep red. She turned to Conrad, "Forget I said anything."
"It's fine. I had a hunch that was the case. His shameless flirting with her definitely got under my skin when he first joined the team, but after Cobra had kidnapped his and Shana's families and held them captive, I could tell his feelings for her grew into something deeper. It never crossed over into anything I felt I needed to confront him over, but like I said I could tell there were some real feelings that had developed." Conrad revealed and then added thoughtfully, "I don't think he would have taken such a permanent course of action if it had been anyone else on the team."
"He was destroyed after everything with Mara. Losing Shana was just another blow to his heart." Dash replied. "A blow he just couldn't come back from."
"I should have reached out more. Maybe I could have prevented…" Allie began to sob.
"Allie, if someone doesn't want help, they aren't going to take you up on it." Conrad tried to console her. "Trust me, I know first-hand how easy it is to feel suffocated by grief."
"Conrad, promise you'll reach out to us if you ever feel that way again. We need you here. Your future niece will need her uncle." Dash prompted. Duke nodded and shook Dash's hand.
"Ouch!" Allie exclaimed painfully, "Little Shana agrees!"
"She kicking hard again?" Dash asked.
"Yeah…" Allie grimaced rubbing her stomach.
"Can I feel?" Conrad asked. "Is that weird?"
"No, it's okay." Allie replied. Conrad moved next to her and Allie placed his hand on her swollen belly. Immediately he could feel pressure against his hand.
"You sure she's not going to break through your skin?" Conrad asked wide eyed at how hard the baby was pressing.
"Some days I wonder. I've still got 6 weeks left, but I don't know…I feel like she's going to demand to come out sooner." Allie grunted as the baby kicked again.
Conrad leaned down and spoke to Allie's belly, "Hey, Little Shana, it's your Uncle Conrad. Everything's going to be okay. Can you calm down and give your mom a break? She's working on perfection in there. Don't rush it." The baby responded by kicking so hard, it made Allie suck in her breath.
"Well, shit. I think she just might already have Shana's Irish temper. Good luck with that." Conrad chuckled.
"Oh, wonderful." Allie rolled her eyes still rubbing her belly.
"Well, if that's the case be prepared to do a lot of babysitting." Dash joked. "No one could tame that fiery temper like you could."
"Lots of rocking and soothing before tucking in and forcing her to take a nap." Conrad directed. "At least, that's what worked with Shana. Guess it would work for a baby too."
All of them laughed at his response.
"On that note, what do you say we get out of here? I think Allie is ready for bed." Dash sighed after noticing Allie yawn.
"I am. Baby Shana just zapped whatever energy I had left." Allie nodded. Conrad called over the waitress and settled the bill.
"Conrad, you didn't need to pay for our meals." Dash protested.
"Yes, I did. Today was the first day in a long time that I felt something other than grief. It's the least I could do." Conrad argued.
"Next time it'll be on us." Dash compromised.
"Deal." Conrad agreed. "And let's make plans to do it soon."
XXXX
The dropped Duke off at his apartment building with kisses and hugs and promises to try and get together once more before the baby was born. Through conversation that day, Conrad had learned that they only lived about forty minutes away from each other.
Duke entered his apartment and set his keys down on the counter right next to the door just like he did every time. He immediately went over to his bookcase and grabbed a picture frame off of one of shelves that had one of his favorite pictures of him and Shana in it.
"I miss you so much, Shana." Conrad smiled weakly as he thumbed over the picture. He put the frame back down on the shelf and accidentally knocked a book onto the floor. He picked up the book and flipped it over. It was Shana's copy of Gone With the Wind. Despite her rolling her eyes at the corny jokes between her code name and surname of O'Hara, the book actually happened to be one of her favorites. Shana had suggested he read it to which he smirkingly replied, "Frankly, my dear, I'd rather just watch the movie.". He thumbed through the book wondering how it had made its way to his bookshelf. He didn't remember Shana giving it to him. Perhaps she stealthily put it on his bookshelf in his quarters and had been waiting for him to find it? A piece of paper slipped out of the book and dropped to the ground. Conrad put the book on the shelf and immediately picked up the note and unfolded it.
It read: "Dearest Conrad, I knew you'd eventually come around and read it. I'm guessing if you are this far into the book, you have to at least like it a little. Maybe you even like it a lot? You'll have to let me know. By the way, I think our love story is better than anything found in these pages or in any other book. I can't wait to see where our story takes us. Wherever it leads, I'm sure it will be classified as a fairytale. I love you. Always and forever, Shana."
Conrad choked out a sob while reading the newly found note over and over letting her words wrap around him like a warm blanket. "Oh, Shana…it was. I just wish we had so much more time. There were so many more pages that we were supposed to write together." he sighed as he wiped the tears away for which felt like the hundredth time that day. "But don't worry, Baby Girl, one day we'll be together and we'll pick up where we left off." Conrad grabbed the book off the shelf and placed the note back where it approximately fallen out as he walked over to his couch. He settled himself down and opened to page one and began to read.