"I'm tired."
She knows that line all too well, knowing it was a sign Saebyeok needed to cry again. She just wished she would do it openly to her, to let her feel what she was feeling, but it only happened each and every night when she thought Jiyeong was sleeping.
"Okay," the short girl smiled falsely. There was no point being genuine, not when the other wasn't playing fair.
Saebyeok headed to the bathroom to relive herself, brush her teeth, all that stuff before heading to bed. Jiyeong followed suit, slipping under the cover. Her hand steadily reaching out to touch the taller woman on the shoulder. She knew she didn't like being touched, not after everything that had happened. She wanted time and space, but how much time and space alone was healthy for her Jiyeong thought as Saebyeok tensed against her.
"Jiyeong."
"Sorry," the short girl apologised moving her hand away.
"No, it's fine."
A smile formed on her face and she placed her hand back again feeling Saebyeok tense again but soon relax.
"I wished you talk to me and we can..."
"I said all I needed to say."
'You still cry most nights!' Her mind screamed at her to say out loud but she held her tongue.
Saebyeok melted into the pillow, her breathing softening as she slept. A few hours later and she'd be awake and shaking doing her best to control her emotions. Jiyeong settled but didn't allow herself to sleep instead she rubbed her hand in a soothing motion upon the other girls arm before pressing her face into her back to pretend to be sleeping.
Saebyeok awoke as usual, she looked to the clock at 4:00 am the small bit of the morning sun shining in through the curtains and that's when it all came back. The games they'd played the news of her family, she clutched her head in hopes of stopping it all but it didn't work and soon she was curling in on herself, tears spilling from her eyes as she tried desperately to stay silent. Jiyeong moved slightly, giving a small grunt causing her to hold off in case she was waking her.
"Saebyeok," she heard as her stomach dropped.
"You...you should be asleep." She told her.
"Hm, and what about you?" The short girl questioned.
"I just...I just woke up myself."
A noise followed suit as Jiyeong turned over. "You don't have to keep this up you know. I just wish you'd just let everything out in front of me. Why won't you? We've been going out for three months and you just won't cry in front of me. Why?"
"It's not something you need to know about that's why!"
"It is when it's effecting us, Saebyeok!"
"How is it effecting us?"
"You're so unemotional around me. Every time you say you're tired I know you want to cry."
Saebyeok gripped the pillow as she shook again with sobs.
"I was hoping one day we could start a family of our own, but the way things are we never could. We're not even family material, we're both so broken."
"Shut up!" Saebyeok screamed.
"Hit a nerve now have I?"
"You know nothing about me and..."
"I know nothing because you won't tell me."
"There's nothing to tell," Saebyeok turned from her, her head hitting the pillow.
"Have a baby with me," Jiyeong now laid her head on the other girl.
"What!? Why?"
"I just want to see you happy," Jiyeong sighed.
"A baby is not going to help me," Saebyeok frowned.
Jiyeong moved away from her, grabbing a pillow she left for the living room. Saebyeok huffed loudly as she got up to go see her girlfriend.
"So this is what it's going to be like?" Saebyeok yelled.
"Yes," Jiyeong nodded calmly. "Good night."
"Jiyeong you're pissing me off!"
"Oh well I'm sorry but I've had to live with your grumpy ass for as long as we've been together and not once have you ever thought about me!"
Saebyeok stormed off, heading back to bed.
"Fine," she grumbled the following morning as Jiyeong sipped her coffee.
"Fine what?"
"I'll do it," she finished.
"Really, then should we decide who the one to bear it will be?"
Saebyeok looked to her. "There's no way I'm carrying anything."
Jiyeong gave her famous pout. "We choose a straw."
"Jiyeong."
"Fine forget I said anything."
"Ahhh I swear living with you is a nightmare."
"You love me," Jiyeong teased as she grabbed a few straws, cutting one smaller than the rest to then shuffle them.
"Here remember the one with the short straw bears our child."
Saebyeok swallowed as she reached for the first straw. Jiyeong shook her head as she now pulled one. They pulled another and another until Saebyeok pulled the last, leaving the other in Jiyeong's hand.
"No, no way. I can't. I can't do it."
Again Jiyeong put on her sad face and turned away from her girlfriend.
A few days later and the pair were at a hospital being explained to that both mothers could produce a child but it would require dna from the one not carrying it.
Saebyeok looked pale, the thought of carrying a child made her feel queasy.
"If you're ready we can proceed?"
Jiyeong nodded with a smile and soon it would be Saebyeok's turn.
"Are you all right?" Jiyeong asked as her girlfriend vomited right outside the building. "I know you get morning sickness but this is a little early for that."
Saebyeok wiped her mouth and walked off.
"Saebyeok!"
"You're mad at me, aren't you?" Jiyeong asked as Saebyeok was laid curled up on the bed hugging a cushion. "Hey are you ever going to speak to me again?"
"You're up early shouldn't you be resting?"
"Don't feel like it," Saebyeok grumbled as she sat herself down at the island. Her head resting on her hand.
"Shall I make you breakfast?"
Saebyeok shook her head her other hand massaging her queasy stomach.
"I'll just make something for one then," she smiled as Saebyeok dropped her head to the marble surface with a groan. Jiyeong stroked a hand through her hair while waiting on her breakfast.
It wasn't long before the smell had Saebyeok quickly rise from her chair to hurry off. Jiyeong felt sympathy for her but she really hoped this would turn things around for them.
"I can't do it!"
"Yes you can."
"I can't..." Saebyeok sobbed, pills shaking in her hand.
"Please Saebyeok I don't want you to kill our baby."
Dropping the pill bottle and pills from her hand she ran outside to collapse on the sand.
"I never wanted this. I never wanted you."
Jiyeong watched her from the doorway of their beach house.
"I can't believe you're not even showing. Are you still pregnant?"
"The doctors and nurses all said so after the countless prodding they kept doing to me." Saebyeok sighed as she leaned into her.
Jiyeong caressed her head with her fingers gently through her hair.
"So should we ask the gender?"
Saebyeok turned over. "No."
Jiyeong leaned down to kiss her.
"Ah! Jiyeong! Pain!" She pat the short girl while they were in bed.
"Hmm?"
"Pain and wetness, so much wetness. Ahhh!"
Throwing off the cover, Jiyeong turned on the side lamp to see Saebyeok had started her labour.
"This is not good," she groaned as Jiyeong ran out to get the midwifes number.
"Jiyeong!"
"Yeah, she woke me at 3:25. Her waters broke and she's in labour."
A scream told her she was progressing.
"Jiyeong! Fuck it hurts!"
"Yeah, hey you're not pushing already are you?"
"It wants to come out! So I'm making it!" Saebyeok screamed at her.
Lifting her girlfriends nightgown she tried to make herself remember just what size Saebyeok had to be at before pushing.
"Um, hold off."
"What!? I can't!" Saebyeok groaned with another push. "Jiyeong please it hurts so bad!"
Jiyeong put the midwife on speaker as she hurried to get ready and out the door to come to the pair. Jiyeong listened to her to help Saebyeok stay calm and help her to breath through it.
"In and out with me," she instructed.
Saebyeok breathed as she was told only grimacing in pain when the pain took hold and had her pushing again.
"Is she fully dilated?"
Just as Jiyeong went to check, Saebyeok gave another agonising scream as she pushed. The round dome of a head was now seen as well as blood.
"Yeah, I think so but she's torn the skin."
"Ah, that can happen. Help guide her through it I'm almost there."
"Come Saebyeok keep pushing," she told her as she screamed again, face sweaty.
Saebyeok pushed and pushed but nothing was happening now.
"I wanna... I wanna stand," the girl moaned.
Jiyeong helped her up and off the bed, allowing her to brace her arms against the wall as she spread her legs and pushed again.
"Standing will help," the midwife was heard again.
Saebyeok leaned over resting her head against the wall as Jiyeong rubbed her leg while waiting for the baby.
"You've survived being stabbed and cut multiple times. This should be nothing to you."
Again another pained scream left her and she bore down with all her might. At first Jiyeong hadn't expected it so soon and it came as a shock as Saebyeok now moaned loudly as the child slipped free to start crying.
"I'm outside," the midwife called.
"Hang in there a moment while I get the door," Jiyeong warned as she placed the baby down. Saebyeok allowed herself to collapse right next to their child just as the midwife entered to check her over.
"How do you feel?" She asked.
"Tired and moody," Saebyeok huffed as the midwife helped Jiyeong with cleaning her up before cleaning the bed.
Once she was allowed back into bed did she then get the baby handed to her.
"What am I supposed to do with this?" She asked.
"Feed her," the midwife smiled.
"Her?"
The woman nodded.
Saebyeok looked to Jiyeong who was crying tears of joy for her.
"We have a daughter," she sniffed.
Saebyeok looked down and couldn't stop the tears. "She looks just like you."
"She looks like us both."