This is part of my tattoo artist and florist verse.
Tattoo: Firebird.
Artist: Botkin Yul-Erdene.
Age: 20 years old.
Location: Upper right forearm.
Fedyor is the one to introduce them. A week after Luda starts her first year at University. Two weeks after Aleksander comes back from his year in Shu Han, at his 'welcome back' party.
"I don't believe you have met my friend, Aleksander." Fedyor says to the woman next to him. She's tall, that's one of the first things he notices. He's used to towering over people, and although he's still taller than her, it's a nice change. She looks very pale, with dark circles under her eyes —a result of the first week of classes, no doubt— but her blue eyes are captivating. She's dressed as she would prefer to be somewhere else entirely. His mouth quirks at the thought.
She's Luda Voronov, 19 years old and a new student at Os Alta University. She's on her way to obtain a Bachelor of Science in Nursing. Which is how she met Fedyor, as she's in one of the classes he's working in as a TA. She's from Ryevost and has no friends in the city, which is why she's there, although Aleksander is pretty sure Luda is there because of Fedyor, not because she wants to make friends.
He looks at her walking around the party, not talking or engaging with anyone, simply observing while every once in a while taking a sip of a drink she poured herself. Aleksander won't deny he's intrigued by her behavior, the way she looks at everyone, and yet no one seems to notice her. She's tall, and she's pretty, her blue eyes would enchant pretty much anyone and yet, no one seems to look twice at her. He wonders if she's doing this on purpose. He also wonders why exactly is she there when this is obviously not her scene.
Aleksander doesn't get to ask her that night, but a week later she's at the library, and he gets the chance to inquire. She laughs at his question, earning them some bad looks from the surrounding people.
"I couldn't say no to Fedyor. He has been so nice to me, during orientation and my first week. I felt like I had to say yes when he invited me." She explains, biting her lower lip and avoiding his intense gaze. "I hope you won't take offense, but I'd rather be anywhere else than at your party."
He shakes his head, he doesn't take offense at all. If anything, he's captivated by her candor and honesty. He values that in people. "Not at all. But do feel free to tell him no, if he invites you to someplace you don't want to be, he won't be mad."
She smiles at him and seizes the moment to ask him more about their friend in common, which leads to Ivan and then leads him to talk about himself. She also shares a bit about herself, but Aleksander can tell that she's shy and barely warming up to him, so he understands her reluctance to share much. Because of it, Luda seems relieved when he allows the conversation to die, leaving her to go back to her stuff. He takes advantage and does the same, focusing on his art readings. They work for a while on their own things, and he only stops paying attention to his duties when he feels her staring, when raises his head from his computer, he's surprised to find her eyes glued to his tattoo.
"It's the firebird." He explains, drawing her out of her abstraction. She blinks a couple of times before her eyes land on his face, but she doesn't look him in the eye. "I spent last year in Shu Han, part of a program exchange, and I got it there."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to stare. I just think it's really beautiful. The details are incredible." She says, before her phone starts to ring, earning them once again some mean looks from the people near them. "I have to go. I still have a hard time getting around. I know where everything is, I just don't know if I'm using the fastest route to get there or if I'm going around in circles."
It's because of her words that he volunteers to help her get to her dorm. They talk as they walk, mostly him telling her about the buildings they come across in the way, but when they are getting closer to their destination, he decides to ask her out. He purposefully keeps his question vague, not wanting her to feel uncomfortable, because, keeping in mind what she said about having a hard time saying no, he doesn't want her to feel like she has to accept.
"Would you be interested in going out sometime?"
"No." She says, and it almost gives him whiplash how quickly she rejects him. So long for not knowing how to say no. "Please don't take this the wrong way. It's just that I'm starting my studies and I want to be focused on that. I can offer you my friendship if you'd like. But I understand if you are not interested in that."
Once again, he's taken aback by her candor, by the way she's clearly set in her goals and doesn't want anything to jeopardize that. He's not offended by her rejection, because he thinks that, at the end of the day, having her as a friend is something he's not opposed in the slightest.
"Of course, I don't mind. It would be my pleasure to be your friend, Luda Voronov." He says, making her giggle, probably because of the grandiosity he's giving the whole situation. He smiles at her, thinking she's cute when she laughs.
"Likewise, Aleksander Morozova." She replies before giving him a once over. "And hey, who knows? Maybe I'll claim that date in the future." Aleksander chuckles at her words because he thinks she's feeling emboldened by the camaraderie that seems to have settled between them.
Once they are close to her building, he decides to say goodbye; "This is you. See you later." He's about to leave when she hugs him, which completely throws him off his edge. He's not used to that kind of gesture, but she doesn't seem to mind or care that he barely reciprocates the hug.
"Bye Aleksander, thank you so much for your company. We need to work on your hugs, though." She jokes, kissing his cheek before entering the building.
Tattoo: Morozova stag's antlers.
Artist: Aleksander Morozova.
Age: 24 years old.
Location: Inside his right forearm.
"Hi, Aleksander!" Luda kisses him on the cheek before sitting in front of him. He had arrived a couple of minutes early, so her tea was already there, still hot and waiting for her. "Sorry I made you wait"
"Now that you're a hotshot nurse you think you can forget about your friends." He comments using his dry streak, making her blush furiously. She thinks she's good at hiding it under her mug, but he knows better.
"You know that that's tomorrow. You'll come, right?" The way she lights up when talking about her graduation makes him smile. After all these years of late nights and hard work, after all the sweat, blood, and tears, she was finally getting her degree. He was proud of her.
"Wouldn't miss it for the world." He answers, knowing that Fedyor, Ivan, and Genya would be there as well to cheer when she stepped up to get her diploma. "Here, I got you a present, actually."
"Oh, Aleksander, you didn't have to!" She says and while Luda might be many things, he knows she absolutely loves presents, especially those that come as a surprise. So he raises his eyebrows, amused at her act. He's not going to give her anything if she keeps on pretending. "Ugh, okay fine. Just give me my present." Luda all but orders, making grabby hands to emphasize her point.
He hands her the box, and she doesn't waste a second, ripping the gift paper —the very expensive gift paper, might he add— without any hesitation. Once she comes face to face with the scrubs he bought her, she starts laughing loudly, attracting the attention of everyone nearby. For someone so introverted, Luda's laugh always captured everyone's attention.
"You got me black scrubs?" She asks once she's stopped laughing.
"Nurses wear scrubs." He reclines in his chair and shrugs, he doesn't see what the big deal is.
"They're black." She presses and he smirks at the comment. "I can't believe you got me black scrubs. You're such a narcissist."
"It's practical, to hide the blood." It's all he offers, finishing his mocha before placing his elbows on the table and coming closer to her, invading her personal space. "You should be saying, 'Thank you, Aleksander'."
"Thank you, Aleksander." He didn't ask for her to roll her eyes as she said that, but he'll take it, especially because he knows it's not dishonest, although it's borderline fake sweet.
"Good girl." He mocks her, before adding. "Was that so hard?"
She ignores him, changing the subject towards dessert, and he lets her. He's already had his fun, and he doesn't plan on souring her mood before the most important day of her life. So they share a chocolate cake and catch up, like the friends they are.
Tattoo: First layer of shadows.
Artist: Botkin Yul-Erdene.
Age: 25 years old.
Location: Left forearm.
He's back from a quick trip from Shu Han, with a new tattoo on his left forearm, when he pays his first visit to the hospital where Luda just started working. He's happy for her, he really is, but he's baffled by the food from the cafeteria.
"You're such a snob. You used to eat pickled herring, don't think I've forgotten!" She comments, with the biggest smile on her face. He knows it's not because of the comment, it's because she's finally doing what she dreamt of, bad food be damned, she was finally a practicing nurse.
She spends most of their lunch talking, explaining to Aleksander her duties and everything related to her position. He spends all of their lunch begging her to eat, because how on Earth is she going to help people with an empty stomach?
It's when she's accompanying him to his car that she, after years of friendship, surprises him. Not many people surprise him, but Luda somehow has managed to do it twice in all the time they've known each other.
"I was wondering if that offer of going out with you was still standing." It comes out like a whisper, Aleksander only manages to hear because she's next to him.
He was not expecting that, not in the least. Their friendship was solid, for one, and he knew neither of them was pining after the other. Aleksander wonders what prompted her to say that, to take him on his offer after all these years.
"Is Luda Voronov asking me out?" He asks in a teasing tone, stopping once he's gotten to his car and taking advantage of the fact that she seems to be evading his eyes to tower over her, grabbing her chin so that she looks at him. "I need you to look at me while you say it."
He can practically feel her desire to roll her eyes at him, but she doesn't and even if it takes her a second to lock eyes with him, she still does it. "Go out with me." She says and Aleksander bites his lower lip, he's not going to reject her, but she needs to ask nicely.
"I know you can do better than that, c'mon." He presses, his voice cool, totally hiding his amusement over the whole thing.
"Would you like to go out with me, Aleksander?" Her voice is ridiculously sweet, and he knows she's exaggerating, but it's not fake per se, so he lets it slide.
"Okay." He says, giving her a smug smile, adding a wink just for the sake of it. She's not amused by his behavior, but doesn't say anything as he opens the door and starts his car. She's still standing there when he lowers the window and gives her a look. "I get to pick the place and date, since, you know, it took you four years to accept." He watches her reaction to his words. Luda's face is contorted in a way that showed she couldn't decide whether she was glad about his answer or not.
"I'm already regretting this." Is her only answer before he drives away. And Aleksander doesn't completely believe her words.
When they have the actual date, she doesn't regret it one bit. Okay, maybe she regrets having to wait four years for it. But it's alright because they have all the time in the world.
Tattoo: "Fuck you".
Artist: Zoya Nazyalensky.
Age: 26 years old.
Location: Right side of his middle finger.
"Remind me again why your parents hate me?" He asks, taking advantage of the red light to be able to see her.
Luda rolls her eyes at him and continues to fuzz about her look. He thinks she looks beautiful, but he has been told he needs to stop lying to her. She's clearly fretting over her parents, so he decided to keep quiet, not wanting to contribute to her emotional distress.
"They don't hate you per se." She explains once the light changes, and he starts to drive. "They'd hate anyone that I'm dating. Lucky for you, you're the one dating me… But they'll definitely hate you because of your tattoos. That's definitely a you thing."
Aleksander doesn't know much about Boris and Antonina, just that they have the most amazing daughter in the world. Luda has always been tight-lipped about her family life, and seeing the state she's in makes him think there might be more similarities between their childhoods than they realized.
"They wanted me to be an Orchestra director." She comments, after a couple of minutes of silence. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see that she's making herself small in her seat and shivering despite the summer heat, so he offers one hand for her to grab. As she takes it, he thinks that maybe he's not offering a hand, but rather something to hold on, something to steady herself. "They didn't want me to be a nurse. They wanted me to be a musician and work my way until I was the conductor of the Ravka Philharmonic. That was their dream for me, for their perfect little daughter."
"You're telling me your parents are disappointed because you help save other people's lives?" He asks through gritted teeth. Fuck, he thought Bahgra sucked as a parent, but Boris and Antonina are giving her a run for her money.
"That is exactly what I'm telling you." She says, not letting go of his hand. "Just remember that I like you. I chose you. That's all that should matter."
At the next red light, she takes advantage and kisses him senseless. He likes it when she takes the initiative and commands the kiss. Aleksander doesn't even care that she's probably apologizing in advance for the meeting. He'll gladly take her lips, he'll gladly take whatever she gives him, so he lets her use his mouth to calm her nerves. He knows she needs it.
Meeting Boris and Antonina goes down to become one of Aleksander's worst moments in his life. But it also becomes the moment he decides that, since both their families suck, they will be each other's family and that will be alright because they will be happy together.
Tattoo: Second layer of shadows.
Artist: Genya Safin.
Age: 27 years old.
Location: Left forearm.
When Aleksander finishes carrying all of Luda's boxes to their room, he finds her looking at the bed with a frown on her face.
"It's something the matter?" He asks, capturing her attention.
"We need new sheets." She announces before opening her boxes, looking for something.
"What's wrong with my sheets? I thought you liked them." Aleksander watches her roam through the boxes, slightly afraid she's going to want to change the whole apartment. But that was part of having a relationship, right?
"They're black." She answers matter-of-factly, and Aleksander doesn't know what to say to that. Almost everything in the apartment is black, that's not news for her. "We need to get rid of them. We need more color here."
"What happened to the shy girl I met? The one who for the first year of knowing each other barely looked me in the eye?" Although by all means, his words are a joke, the tone he uses is the one that comes to him when he's conducting business, when he's in a boardroom. Luda looks up to him, unimpressed by his act.
"Please, if you think you can use that tone on me, you are mistaken. Besides, that girl realized you have a weakness. Yes, the big bad Darkling has one, and I know what it is." She says, standing up with some sheets in her hand, the ones that would probably end up in the bed.
"What's that? Please enlighten me." He stands closer to her, eyes never leaving her face. A few years ago she would've crumbled under his stare, she would've felt uncomfortable. Now, she looks at him as if she can't believe he's pulling those tricks on her.
"That you love me." Luda says as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Because it is. It's so fucking obvious he drops the act the instant he hears her, replacing his harsh features with a soft smile directed at her.
"Ah, that I do." He admits, grabbing her by her hips to keep her closer to him. "That I do, lyubimaya ."
He knows his reign of black is over, that his apartment is no longer his, but theirs. He's fine with it, giving up on his signature color is a small price to pay to make her happy.
Tattoo: Rubber duck.
Artist: Matthias Helvar.
Age: 29 years old.
Location: Inside his right knee.
From afar, he can see her engagement ring, the one he spent months looking for, before settling for a vintage model that was perfect for Luda. After he bought it, he spent a month debating with himself about how the proposal would go. If only he knew back then that it wouldn't fucking matter.
"What do you mean you don't wanna get married?" He shouted. He rarely did that with her. Aleksander could count with one hand how many times had he yelled when sex was not involved. "Why did you say yes then?"
"Now, Aleksander. I said I didn't want to get married right now." Luda said, not moving for her place on the sofa, where all the bridal magazines that Genya had given her a month ago laid, still untouched.
Luda was always Luda, but Sasha turned into Aleksander every time they argued. He tried to pretend like it didn't hurt, but it fucking did.
"What's that supposed to mean? Am I supposed to wait for you forever?"
At that Luda scoffs, actually scoffs. "Please, Aleksander, don't pull that on me. You asked me out one time and I said no. In the subsequent years, you proceeded to fuck everything that moved. It's not like you were pining after me." She says, and Aleksander feels as if she had just slapped him in the face. An actual slap would've hurt less, probably.
"Is that what you think of me, then?" His voice was cool and detached, because before they were arguing, but what she just said is an attack, and he won't stand for it.
"No, Aleksander, of course not. I'm sorry." She says, standing up from her place on the couch and walking so that she can be closer to him. She doesn't try to touch him, understanding very well his justified anger. "I just don't understand what's wrong with waiting."
"Maybe you don't want to marry a guy who fucks everything that moves." He quips, still too pissed to give her the real answer. He had fucked people, and he had been fucked by people, he wasn't going to apologize for living his life, but he was also not going to tolerate her slander.
"I said I am sorry, you know I don't think about you like that. You're my favorite person in the world, you've always been." She says, extending her hand towards him. Aleksander sighs and takes it, albeit reluctantly. He doesn't want to fight her, he wanted to fucking marry her. Luda takes his hand and kisses it, a way of leaving what she said behind them, before forcing him into a hug. He thinks she'll probably mock his hugging abilities, but she remains quiet, simply hugging him and letting their previous argument wash away.
"I'm older than you, Luda. I want to get married, I don't want to wait." He says after a while, trying to explain his side.
"You're just two years older than me, Sasha. Why rush when we have the rest of our lives ahead of us?" She comments, looking at him before hiding her face in the crook of his neck. He sighs and hugs her because she gets what she wants and if she wants to wait, he'll wait all she wants.
Tattoo: Two doodled waffles.
Artist: Nina Zenik
Age: 31 years old.
Location: Lower left back.
"I can't believe you let her tattoo that!" Luda comments from the bathroom. She's probably watching him from the mirror as he removes his shirt and folds it gently. He wants to preserve his wedding tux just like she wants to keep her wedding dress intact, so there wasn't any ripping off clothes as they reached their honeymoon suite.
"A bet is a bet, and I lost. I am a man of my word, even if I hate that now I have two stupid waffles on my body because of Nina." He comments, now folding the rest of his clothes. "Is this really what you want to talk about on our first night as a married couple? About my ridiculous tattoo?"
"Why wouldn't I want to talk about your tramp stamp?" She jokes, and Aleksander refrains from explaining that this is not a tramp stamp, as he had at least convinced Nina to tattoo him on his lower left side. His wife was just pushing his buttons, but that just meant that he would have to punish her for that.
"I'm done talking about this." It's all he answers with a tone that makes it very clear what's going on through his head. Luda, however, doesn't seem to pay attention to that.
"I think it makes you look sexy!" She says, stepping out of the bathroom and effectively leaving without words. She was wearing a delicate black lingerie set that had arrived in the mail a month before, and he had been forbidden to see. Now he understands why.
"Well, Mrs. Morozova, I think you're the one that looks sexy here. No, scratch that, you look absolutely provocative." He says, walking towards her. Luda shivers, and he knows too well that that's just her usual reaction to the way he's looking at her. He waited for so long to have her as a wife, now he's going to enjoy that. Aleksander is going to give her so much pleasure until she becomes a trembling mess that only knows two things: orgasms and that she's Mrs. Morozova.
"Say that again." She asks, crossing her arms behind his neck. She'll beg through the night, but right now he doesn't mind giving her what she wants without much preamble.
"Mrs. Morozova." He complies, whispering her new last name against her ear, biting her lobe before saying it. Luda once again shivers, pressing her body against his own, and he has to occupy his mouth with her neck to hide a moan that threatens to leave his lips.
"Let's get the honeymoon started." She says to him, voice dripping with desire. He nods and leaves her neck just to finally kiss her on the lips, hungry and a little desperate because he had to keep their kisses light and decent while they were in front of their guests. Now that they are alone, he can do whatever he wants with her, and that includes kissing her like there's no tomorrow while his hands roam freely through her body. Only stopping when reaching her thighs.
"C'mon, I'm taking my wife to bed." He murmurs between kisses, carrying and forcing her to wrap her legs around his body.
"Lead the way, husband of mine." She whispers in his ear and for a nanosecond, Aleksander is ready to throw away his plans of making her beg, all because of what that word does to him.
As of eight hours ago, are officially husband and wife. He thinks he'll never get tired of the sound of that.
Tattoo: Third layer of shadows.
Artist: Milo Taog.
Age: 31 years old.
Location: Left forearm.
Aleksander considers himself a patient man, but after he and Luda leave the sixth house they've seen for the day, he thinks that maybe his patience is running a little thin.
"Care to explain why we didn't buy that one on the spot? It had everything on our list." He asks, feeling positively murderous about the idea of having to see yet another house when the last one was perfect. If she doesn't like that one, he might as well start to pray for a miracle.
"Sasha, it just wasn't it. I couldn't picture us living our life there. I don't care about our list, I care about if I can imagine us drinking coffee in the mornings together in the kitchen, or if our kids are going to have space to grow happy." He was about to complain that he made the damn list for a reason, but when she disarms him with the mention of their future family, he remains quiet. Instead of saying anything, he takes her hand and kisses it.
When they arrive at the new house, Luda doesn't say much, rather, she seems to devote all her energy inspecting the two-floor house from top to bottom, side to side. Aleksander lets her, it doesn't matter much what he does because she's the one who's going to have the final word on their future house.
But he has to admit he likes this house, and not because it checks all the items on their list. Maybe he's just finally understanding what Luda means about picturing their lives in a place. However, he doesn't want to grow attached to a house she could potentially reject, so he silently goes to the backyard and waits for her there.
She takes her sweet time, but after a while, he feels her arms around his chest and her chin on his shoulder. "Do you feel it?" Luda asks, looking at him as he puts his arms on top of hers and continues to look at the space in front of them.
"Do I feel what, lyubimaya ?" He's playing dumb, of course. As if he hasn't spent most of his time imagining all sorts of scenarios in the garden, endless barbecues, birthdays, anniversaries. But also regular days, sitting out there and just enjoying their little slice of heaven.
"This is going to be our home." She says, simply, not even falling into his trick. Aleksander nods, before lovingly kissing her temple.
"This is going to be our home." He repeats, completely convinced that they have found their place, a place for their future family.
Tattoo: Sea whip
Artist: Hanne Brum.
Age: 32 years old.
Location: Lower right forearm.
As he prepares black tea, his eyes barely leave Luda. Aleksander doesn't need to pay much attention to what he's doing, it's almost second nature to him by now. What's not as common as preparing a drink, it's his wife's emotional state. He's seen her mad, angry, sad, and melancholic, but he has never seen her as devastated as she is right now.
It was their seventh negative pregnancy test, what broke her. What made her grab the thick blanket they use during the winter months and cocoon herself in front of their fireplace. She didn't even cry or curse or shout. She simply gave the test to him, unable to mutter the words, and left him for a cozy spot on the couch, from where she hasn't moved in the past ten minutes.
He approaches with both their drinks and Luda opens her cocoon to let him in, practically climbing into his lap once he's seated. She doesn't bother with her tea, instead, she wraps her arms around him, forcing Aleksander to leave the drinks on the table to have his hands free and be able to hug her properly. Once he does that, she breaks down in tears, as if she was just waiting for him to be there to let herself fall, because he would always be there to catch her.
They had gotten tested before they started trying; the results showed that both of them were healthy and shouldn't have trouble conceiving. However, they also knew it was a tricky thing to actually get pregnant, so it was not necessarily going to happen overnight. They just hadn't anticipated how hard it would be to see a negative result every month, how much of a toll it would take on them, especially on Luda.
They cry together, holding each other until there are no more tears, until they are both completely dry. There isn't a need for words, they've gone past that, it's clear that what they need is just the quiet comfort of being together, of having each other. The blessing of having a partner to manage the harsh road to parenthood together, the miracle of having a strong relationship, and knowing they have each other's back.
They sip their now cold drinks in silence and after that, they don't even bother with going to bed, they just lay on the couch, holding onto each other as sleep comes to them. Tomorrow they'll keep trying, but today they don't have the strength to do anything other than comfort each other.
A month later, after they ring in the new year, they have a little miracle to celebrate.
Tattoo: Mila's time of birth, 1:55 p.m.
Artist: Aleksander Morozova.
Age: 34 years old.
Location: Side of his right wrist.
On August 30th, Luda holds his hand as tightly as she can as they listen to her doctor.
"We need to do a C-section, Luda. We cannot wait any longer." His wife just holds his hand tighter, as she shakes her head and looks at him for support. She wanted a vaginal birth, she had planned everything and both had gone to every birthing class to prepare for the moment. However, she had barely dilated in the ten hours they had been in the hospital, a decision had to be made and even though Luda was not happy with it, it was the best option for mother and baby.
"I will be there. I will hold your hand just like we planned. Our baby is coming, don't you want to meet her?" He asks, gently pushing some rebel strands away from her forehead. She's exhausted, and she knows he and their doctor are right. He knows his wife just needs a second to let go of her plans before they go to the OR.
For all of Luda's reluctance to have a C-section, Aleksander thinks the whole thing it's quite streamlined. Thirty minutes after they step into the room, they hear what has to be, without the shadow of a doubt, the sweetest sound he has ever heard: his daughter's piercing wail.
"One healthy baby girl. She has very strong lungs, as you can hear." Says the doctor, making both new parents cry with excitement. Aleksander barely has a chance to kiss Luda before he's called; "We need you to cut the umbilical cord, Mr. Morozova."
"Go and bring me our daughter," Luda says against his lips, and he nods before approaching the doctor, who's holding his daughter in his arms.
He follows the doctor's instructions when cutting the cord, very thankful that years as a tattoo artist allow him to have steady hands because he feels like he should be shaking right now, whether from excitement or fear, he's unsure. Aleksander decides it's definitely excitement once the nurse gives him his daughter for him to hold. Yeah, excitement, happiness, relief that she's finally there, and she's healthy and beautiful, just like her mother.
"I love you, zolotse ." He whispers to the baby, carefully kissing her forehead before handing her to Luda, who looks completely radiant once she has their baby in her arms.
"Sasha, she's beautiful. Look at her. Can you believe we made her?" Luda asks him, but her eyes don't leave their daughter. After her first cry, she became silent. He thinks it's funny how she announced her arrival in the world and then promptly took after her mother and remained quiet in their arms. However, the fact that she's quiet doesn't keep her from looking around. She's already curious about the world, he thinks.
"I can't believe she's finally here. I can believe she's beautiful, just like you, lyubimaya." He answers, getting his phone out to capture the moment between his girls. Luda smiles brightly at him, and he swears he's never loved her more than he does now.
Sergei, one of Luda's colleagues, offers to take a photo of the three of them after seeing him with the camera. When he goes to stand next to Luda she looks at him, not caring that they are supposed to be getting their picture taken.
"Her name is Milyena Morozova. She's our Mila."
Sergei decides to take the picture at that exact moment, capturing Aleksander's face as he realizes they are going with the name he wanted; his daughter is Milyena, his Mila, his favorite.
Tattoo: Mila's butterfly drawing.
Artist: Genya Safin.
Age: 38 years old.
Location: Left ribs.
As they look at their daughter run around the kid's park, Aleksander wonders why the time has to pass so quickly. It's ridiculous, it feels like yesterday when Mila was taking her first steps in their living room, and now she was running with kids her own age. It feels like yesterday where her whole body fit into his arms, now she clings to his neck as tightly as she can.
"When did she get so big?" His wife asks as if she was just reading his thoughts. After so many years together, he thinks that maybe she can read his mind, he wouldn't be in the least surprised.
"I don't know. We need to ask her to stop, next thing we know we'll be driving her to college." Luda laughs at his comment, attracting the attention of their little girl, who turns her head towards them and gives them a big smile before turning to his newfound friends.
"I think I want another one."
He turns to see his wife, who's already looking at him, obviously waiting to catch his reaction, but if he's being honest he doesn't know how to react. They had never talked about the exact number of kids they wanted to have, they could have ten for all he cares because he loves Luda, and he knows he'll love all the children they might have. But after having Milyena they didn't talk about the subject, their priorities now centered around their daughter.
"You do?" He asks, letting his arm fall around her shoulders to keep her close. She rests her head on his shoulder and nods.
"Not right now, maybe after she starts to go to kindergarten." Luda says and Aleksander thinks that sounds like a very solid plan, so he nods, he doesn't have anything to add to it. His wife, however, seems surprised by his lack of words; "What? You're not going to say something about not wanting to wait?"
He fake laughs at her comment, not wanting to relive that particular moment in their relationship. "You're the one carrying them for nine months and then having to go through all the complicated steps of bringing them to the world. If you say you want to wait, then we can wait. Aren't you the one who's always saying we have all the time in the world?"
"Mmm, that we do." She says, kissing his cheek and making her way towards his lips before capturing them in a kiss. A kiss that's interrupted by a too eager four-year-old. He loves his daughter so much, he doesn't even mind that she seems to have a sixth sense and always interrupts in the best moments.
She's thirsty and hungry and tired, so she claims her father's lap to rest for a couple of minutes. As she and Aleksander share bites of honey cake, Luda busies herself with another task.
"Mila, what would you think if papa and I gave you a sibling?" He has to contain a laugh when his daughter scrunches up her nose. For all the qualities she shares with Luda, this one is all his, because Mila is just as possessive as Aleksander. "You could play with them, teach them things, protect them, be the best big sister ever…" Luda presses but Mila still seems unconvinced, Aleksander thinks that the idea of having to share doesn't sound too appealing, so he decides to intervene.
"You know mama and I will always love you, zolotse ." He says, cleaning the crumbs off her cheeks before giving her a kiss. "Just like you'll love your baby sister or baby brother."
"Baby sister papa! I want a baby sister." She responds to his comment, although it sounds like a demand. He and Luda share a look over her head and smile at each other because it seems like someone has made up their mind. Now they just have to deliver.
Tattoo: Luda's name in her own handwriting.
Artist: Leoni Hilli.
Age: 39 years old.
Location: Right shoulder.
Every night, the same nightmare. Every night, her voice haunts his dreams until he abandons all hope of actually getting some sleep.
"Sasha, I'm leaving work. Can you go ahead and order some food? I'm starving, and I don't want to have to wait. I love you, tell Mila that I love her too. I'll be there soon enough."
But she never made it to the parlor. She never got to eat the food he had ordered. She never got to hug them or tell them she loved them ever again, because half an hour later he got a call from a paramedic, announcing that Luda had been in an accident. Aleksander doesn't remember anything else after that, only that he was overcome with the biggest pain he has ever felt in his life.
Pain that didn't leave him. It moved into the place that his heart seemed to vacate after he watched the coffin where his beloved wife, partner, friend, and mother of his daughter was lowered to the ground.
He left Ravka in hopes of escaping it, but the pain had followed him to Kerch, to Novyi Zem, to The Wandering Isle. It resided in him and Aleksander didn't know how to get rid of it or even if he wanted to let go of it, because it was the only thing that connected him to Luda.
His love had turned to sadness and despair. All the adoration he felt towards her was now mourning. The happiness they had experienced together turned into bitterness. He was just experiencing what it meant to have loved so ardently. To have loved someone whose life had been cut short, because life was cruel.
They had all the time in the world, she used to say. What a fucking lie.
She only had 36 years. He was the one with all the time in the world, but what use he had with it when she was not next to him?
Tattoo: Eclipse.
Artist: Marie Kovaleva.
Age: 39 years old.
Location: Left shoulder.
Alina's hand in his. A bouquet in the other. The morning sun welcoming them to the cemetery. Steady steps, one foot in front of the other, until they reach her grave.
Luda Morozova
Mother, wife, friend, nurse
Beloved
He and Mila have been visiting more regularly as of late, which means that, once they get there, the flowers they left last time are not completely dead. Letting go of Alina's hand, he kneels in front of the headstone, resting his forehead where her name is engraved.
"Hello, lyubimaya ." He says before he kisses his fingers and presses them against where her name is.
What a simple thing a grave is, he thought, before he was confronted with the reality that it was the place where Luda's last remains rested. Even if he doesn't think this is where she actually is, after all, Luda lives in Mila, in him, in the memories; his view of what a grave has drastically changed. It is not a simple thing, it is the place where they pay their respects, the physical place they have to honor her. A place where they feel they can connect with her.
It's because of this that there is a bracelet on top of the headstone. After Mila got a DIY kit to make friendship bracelets on her sixth birthday, Aleksander thought it would be a good idea to make one for Luda. His daughter had made one for almost everyone in her life —he had one, he always wore it with the watch Luda gifted him— so it made sense to make one and leave it at the grave. A simple, yet thoughtful way of keeping Luda present.
He's lost in thought, remembering the day he and Mila made the bracelet together, reminiscing about shared moments with Luda, when he feels Alina kneeling next to him. She doesn't say anything, just offers a small smile before removing the old bouquet from its place and replacing it with the new. She silently works to arrange the flowers in a better way than he had done in the past. He simply stares at her, because he's always mesmerized when he sees Alina work.
By now, Aleksander has opened up to her about his life with Luda. It had been an odd thing to go through, talk about the woman he thought he would love forever with the woman he has come to love now, but Alina had been nothing if not supporting. She never pressured him, instead, she had let him go at his own pace giving him room to breathe, holding him when he was sure he could not hold himself.
That's what prompted him to invite her to come with him. November was barely starting, and he knew that once the temperatures dropped he wouldn't be able to visit, so this was the last time before spring rolled around. He knew it was okay, but he wanted to visit one last time before he turned forty.
In a way, the visit was a goodbye of sorts, he would be entering a new decade without her by his side. It felt monumental to walk into a new chapter of his life without Luda. He had to visit her before it happened. She would never enter her forties, she'd be forever frozen in her mid-thirties. That thought would've completely destroyed a couple of months before, the idea that life had gone on without her, that Earth continued to rotate without taking into consideration what he had lost.
Now he was okay with it because, in the end, he had found peace within himself. Or rather, he was starting to, thanks to his friends and colleagues and his work. Thanks to Alina's support and his Mila's constant companionship. But mostly because of himself, because each day he made the decision of living his life, of not focusing on the pain, of honoring his wife by living a full life. Every day he lived, which is something he thought he couldn't do with her by his side.
But he did, even if it hurt because Luda was an arrow that had pierced his skin and landed in his heart many years ago. He hadn't removed it off his body for a long time, and it hurt to keep it there, just as it hurt to remove it. But every day it hurt less, and every day he went on to live his life.
Alina grabs his hand, once again bringing him back to reality. She has finished with the flowers, and now she's just looking at him and offering her support.
Neither of them had said a word to each other since they reached the cemetery and although words might not be completely needed right now, he feels as if he has to say something.
"Thank you for coming with me."
Her other hand comes to rest on top of their linked ones, she looks at them for a second before looking at him.
"Thank you for sharing this with me."
A few months ago, he thought he would always visit this place with Mila. That they would always come together, even after she was all grown up and built her life, Aleksander thought they would go to visit Luda together. He never really thought of going with anyone else, despite knowing that Genya, Ivan and Fedyor all visited from time to time. At the end of the day, he never thought he would want to share this moment with anyone but their daughter.
But Alina came along, and he was willing to share all the parts of himself, even the ones he thought he'd never share with anyone. He was glad he had done it, being there with her didn't make the whole thing less painful, but it gave him comfort to know that she was there, that she wanted to be there for him.
He never thought this would be his life, visiting the grave of the woman he thought would be his only love with the woman he was currently in love with. She still doesn't know that, of course, but it's okay, he thinks as he kisses her temple before helping her get up and starting to walk back to the car.
It's okay if he hasn't told her that, even if he shows her that he's in love with her. It's okay to keep it quiet for a while, because, at the end of the day, they have all the time in the world, right?
fin.