Tell Me I'm A Fool - Marvel One Shot*
Summary: Thanos has been defeated but with that comes consequences. The stones offer Steve a chance to live the life he dreamt of with Peggy but is that truly where his heart belongs?
Warnings: starts fluffy, ends angsty.
W/C: 1.9k
Characters: Steve Rogers, OFC. Mentioned: Peggy Carter, OMC, Pepper.
Pairing: Steve Rogers x OFC.
Notes: Set after the defeat of Thanos in Endgame but before Steve returns the stones.
A/N: influenced by the songs Blame and Unknown by Jacob Banks. I highly recommend you listen to it. *I say one shot but you know I have ideas to continue it!
It was a week after everyone came back that the inevitable happened. Jess was cocooned in the safety of Steve's arms, feeling grateful that she hadn't again had to suffer a loss as great as Pepper's.
Steve had been almost stiflingly attentive, he seemed reluctant to be away from her too long. He kissed her softly before he went to the bathroom and upon his return, he kissed her breathless and desperately as if he expected she'd disappeared in the minutes he was gone.
He kept her tight against him, his large warm hands touching her skin at all times. When she squirmed away from his embrace because she was too hot, he swiftly jumped to his feet to crank the air conditioning up so high she wouldn't have been surprised if penguins took residence in their living room.
"Baby," she coaxed, sitting up and placing a gentle hand on his cheek to keep the contact he clearly craved. He averted his eyes as if embarrassed and she waited for him to control it before asking, "What's going on?"
"I just need to feel you," he said, mimicking her pose, a calloused, battle-scarred hand cupping her cheek. "Before you…"
His stare intensified and he lost the train of thought or the words he needed eluded him. She waited patiently but he seemed to be done talking, and before she could ask him to elaborate he crushed his mouth to hers. She kissed him back, but something felt different, it was too despairing. After a moment of indulgence, she pushed against his chest and he pulled back staring at her with a look of guilt painting his expression.
"Before I what, Steve?" she asked, "what's going on?"
"I love you, I just need to know you know that," he puffed out a mournful breath. "I want you to be happy, even if it's not with me."
Now she understood his extra affection and deplorable mood. It was inevitable he'd feel that way, tomorrow wouldn't be easy for either of them but it was necessary. Her husband, Matt, had been a victim of the Blip but now, thanks to Steve and the others, he was back.
She owed Matt a face to face discussion. Their eight-year marriage had been full of happiness, it wasn't perfect (who could make such a claim), but she had been content. The life they planned and lived was one she'd looked forward to, and growing old with him had been exciting.
The loss of that life had been what brought her and Steve together. They bonded over their mutual losses and soon found solace in one another. She'd long ago buried her old life, moved on with the blond-haired hero who gazed so lovingly at her, and she didn't want to go back.
"I love you, Steve," said Jess, a subdued smile on her lips. "And I know you're worried about me seeing Matt tomorrow, but I told you, that part of my life is over. I'm staying right here, with you, cause this is where I'm the happiest I've ever been."
His eyes sparkled with mischief when his smile stretched, "Happiest you've ever been, huh?"
She knew that tone too well and she sunk her teeth into her bottom lip, understanding where his question was heading but played along. "I mean there're a few times you've made me ecstatically happy."
He laughed while he pulled her leg straight over his hip and he crawled over her forcing her to lay flat on the couch. "Only a few," he tsked, using the tip of his nose to circle hers, "I'd better fix that."
Jess blamed it on heartache. She blamed it on mistakes, lost opportunities, and having no choice but to sacrifice something for the greater good. But mostly she blamed herself. She should have known better. She let herself believe Steve loved her, that she could wade into the oceanic depths of his sorrow and be his lifeline. She had been wrong, she hadn't rescued him. She'd only kept him afloat until he found his own way out.
Had she known at the time that their relationship had only been born to fail, perhaps she'd have done things differently? But it didn't matter how it had started, this was how it ended. In the kitchen of the house they had brought together. Steve unable to look her in the eye, arms folded across his chest, standing against the breakfast bar where they've made love uncountable times. But she questioned that now, was it lovemaking or purely a physical act?
"It's your turn to talk, Steve," Jess said, "I'm listening."
She'd spread the evidence out on the table, there was little room for denial. It was too late for sweet lullabies filled with lies. So he was stalling for reasons unknown. Perhaps he'd thought she'd never find out that his plan to leave her was premeditated and not a whim. Therefore, he wasn't prepared enough to have this conversation.
Would that have been a, at least, small mercy? She wondered. To think he'd not thought it through and simply acted when he realized all those opportunities had been misplaced and not lost.
"What do you want me to say?" he asked. "If I say it how I wanted to tell you, it will just sound the same."
"So you were going to tell me?"
"Yes," Steve snapped, the attack on his nobility causing his brow to crease and to throw an irate expression in her direction. "But not like this, not now."
"So what?" she snarled, "you were going to wait until we showed a united front at the party and then rip my heart out?"
"NO."
"You were going to get Bruce to explain to me in the five seconds you'd be gone?"
"NO!" he succumbed to the indignation, arms thrown up before turning his back to grip the countertop. She heard a crack and wasn't sure if it were her heart or the marble top. "Jess, I'm so sorry. If I could do something, anything to not hurt you then I would."
"Can you use the stones to go back and make it so I never met you?" she spat.
"Don't say that," he demanded, spinning back to look at her. He had the audacity to look distraught, brow pinched as if her words had caused him physical harm. "You're angry, I get it. But you don't mean that."
She did. Or at least she told herself she meant it. If she could use the stones and go back in time, would she do things differently?
She'd shed tears when she discovered the emails between Bruce and Steve. For weeks now she'd lived with the sorrow of the last five years of her life being for nothing. She'd waited weeks for Steve to tell her he'd decided to use the stones to return to Peggy, but the day to return the stones grew ever closer and Steve had said nada.
Now she clung to her composure as if it were a physical entity. She imagined it to look like a little troll; an ugly little thing with grey, wrinkled, skin so no one would get close enough to see through her anger to the painful truth of her heartache; big ears to better hear Steve's lies; tiny clawed hands to hold on to hope that she could change his mind.
After all, no decision had been made yet. Questions had been asked, curiosity had gotten the better of him.
"I've been torturing myself for weeks. Beating myself up trying to think of what I'd done to you to deserve this," she sighed, the affliction constricting her throat.
Softly he said, "Nothing. You don't deserve any of this." He paused for a heartbeat, staring at her as if he were searching for something. "After you saw Matt I could see it in your eyes. How conflicted you were, how much it hurt you."
"I chose you."
"I know, I know," stressed Steve, "and I can't tell you how happy that made me. But it brought up all these questions and feelings I thought I'd moved on from."
"So what you're saying is what brought us together, the loss of the people we love, is now what's tearing us apart?"
"No," he said, firmly. But then his resolve wavered, "I don't know."
It sounded like another lie. He did know. He'd lost Peggy and she had lost Matt, their mutual heartbreak had been the catalyst of their relationship. Evidently, their losses had been temporary, she'd never envisioned their relationship was too. So yes, Steve did know that it was essentially what was tearing them apart. He'd had calculated and informed discussions with Bruce about repercussions and the morality of it all. He'd been the spokesperson for encouraging people to move forward, and there he was contemplating going backwards.
"It doesn't matter what's true," she beseeched, "just say that you don't want me, say that you don't need me. Tell me I'm a fool for thinking we have something worth fighting for."
She didn't know if hearing it would make any of it easier, but it was worth a shot.
"You're not a fool," he assured her, tears making his cerulean eyes shimmer. "You were, you are everything to me." A mirthless smile planted itself on his plump lips and his eyes glazed over. He spoke so quietly she wasn't sure he was talking to her anymore. "And there's a ring upstairs that was waiting to prove that to you."
"That's not fair!"
Though she knew the truth rarely was fair. The weight of his confession buckled her knees and she fell into a seat at the table. She buried her face in her hands and the composure troll had clearly left as she cried shamelessly.
She crumpled a sheet of paper in her hand. "It's me or her. You have to choose."
Steve's knees hitting the tiled floor was painfully loud and then he took her hands, caging them in his own. Nothing breaks quite like a heart, the cuts were deep, and the wounds were visible in his eyes.
"I'm so sorry, baby," he agonized, "I never wanted to break us. I don't want to lose you." He clasped their joined hands in prayer. "We're worth fighting for, I want to fight for us. I'm sorry. Please forgive me."
She understood now, staring into his tear-filled eyes, this had always been their end. She had saved him, she'd been all he needed to survive after the Snap. But now her job was done and so was Steve's. It was time for him to have a life, a life without Avenging and losing people he loved. But he needed to lose one more person for that to be a possibility.
"I can't," she groaned and her stomach rolled violently as she lied. "I don't know who you are anymore. I can't forgive you. You thought about leaving me and as soon as I found out, I left you in here," she tapped her fingers over her heart.
His lips moved but no words came out and a trio of emotions scrolled across his expression; denial, hurt and finally acceptance. His head dropped, chin hitting his chest and she desperately wanted to take it back. Instead, she stood up and stepped around him.
"It's over, Steve," she said and silently prayed he couldn't hear the hopelessness she felt. "I don't need you and I don't want you."
She glanced over her shoulder and saw him slump against the table, eyes squeezed shut, thick tears decorating his long lashes. She wanted him to be happy, and if he needed to go backwards to find it she wouldn't stand in his way.
His eyes fluttered open, the droplets too heavy to cling onto his frail lashes fell, when he found her gazing at him. "I'm sorry," he murmured.
End