More Beautiful Than Tsuruko
Finished Anohana a short while ago and started coming up with some ideas for a Tsuruko/Yukiatsu story; sort of based on the tension between Yukiatsu as a womaniser and Tsuruko as the plain and patient friend who wonders if she could ever get a boy like him. On top of this Yukiatsu's conflict between valuing inner beauty and outer beauty and realising he only thought of Tsuruko as having the former but sometimes appreciating someone as a person makes them appear more outwardly attractive.
We begin our story with a young man entering the workforce, already on his way to Project Manager and maybe Head of Department in only a few years. He's already making headway towards a secure and comfortable position - and the experience and credentials to go wherever he wants for whatever salary he desires before his age will catch up with him – at a faster pace than normal. But he could still make it faster if focused more on his work than women.
Atsumu Matsuyuki liked to go by 'Yukiatsu', although not really, it was a bit of a childish moniker awarded to him as a kid that he had long since grown out of but if his old friend Menma liked it then he too would have a reluctant fondness for it. The other women seemed to like it as well but he wouldn't hold that against them. Another fan of his nickname was his childhood friend Tsurumi Chiriko, who went by a similar abbreviation of Tsuruko herself. Sure, all the former members of the Super Peace Busters liked it, albeit perhaps only out of nostalgia, but she was the only one he could verify still enjoyed calling him Yukiatsu, as he failed to keep in contact with the others.
He occasionally met up with others from his past, if they happened to be high school classmates of his who were upset they missed their chance with him while he was busy studying. A quick instant message and he'd be happy to indulge them in whatever fantasies – perverted, benign and all shades in-between – that they had about him in high school. He liked meeting up with new people as well – at the local bars, maybe some sushi, a round of karaoke and then retire to his flat, her flat, or the nearest love hotel.
Even his dedicated satellite Tsuruko had a thing for him, which he vaguely aware of although hazy on the specifics, but he didn't pay much mind to it. Which wasn't for lack of compassion for her; the Moon is a satellite after all, and is very popular, and he similarly appreciated Tsuruko very much as a friend. But she was maybe too plain for his liking and if he desired a girl more beautiful than Tsuruko he could toss a Pachinko ball into a crowd at a get-together and hit about three.
On the dark side of the Moon however, Tsuruko was having decidedly less luck with noticeably fewer people. Her studies had paid off and her career prospects were bright as well, so she had that going for her, and in a few years she would be set to buy any one-bedroom flat in Tokyo that she wanted. Her money would accumulate in her bank until she died with no children to pass it on to. She felt a little better than one would assume given this predicament, as in the last few weeks since she gave up pursuing Yukiatsu for good.
Both of them would finish work about the same time and get on the same train. Tsuruko would sit in the aisle seat on the right-hand side facing the coast and glare at anyone who tried to sit in the seat across the aisle from her before Yukiatsu got on at the next stop. If he was staying behind to out to a bar after work with a sexy lady he'd text Tsuruko, jokingly to let her know she needn't reserve his seat. He never took a woman home with him straight after his shift, if he got on the train with Tsuruko, he sat in the seat across the aisle from her on the left-hand side facing into the city, and she had his attention for however many of few words she spoke during their trips.
Her words were getting sparser and her phrases terser, coinciding with their trips getting more awkward. Tsuruko thought she could act more like a friend towards him after the prospect of him as a romantic or sexual partner had dwindled but she still couldn't bear to hear about his many conquests without getting upset. Her stomach would turn but not out of disgust, more like butterflies. She would tell herself it didn't matter but her heart would race anxiously at the thought of him doing lewd things with well-endowed girls, and the knowledge that whatever he was doing was way filthier than whatever she was picturing probably.
She buried her head deeper into her books. There was an old Machiavelli trick, that you make people like you not by doing favours for them but making them do favours for you; you make them treat you as a friend or ally and it tricks them into thinking you must be. Tsuruko treated Yukiatsu as someone she didn't resent, so that maybe she could trick herself into thinking she was happy for him, since being happy for him was the right thing to do as a friend. She handed him a soda across the aisle, silently.
Yukiatsu took it. He was concerned by how quiet she had become, and offered a "Thanks" to prompt a response. He heard no reply but thankfully, he looked up just in time to catch a glimpse of a pretty smile. So heartfelt and genuine. It was only a soda, after all. He saw a sadness behind her eyes, despite there being no tears it looked like there could have been.
Tsuruko got off at the train at the stop before Yukiatsu's, returning to her home where her parents greeted her and asked how her day was. "Fine" she replied, which in teenager speak was anything from "best day of my life" to "on my way upstairs to hang myself". She sat at her desk and browsed her dating app for a while. She didn't cry though, every day for her was the same.
On her day off she went out to coffee with her friend and Super Peace Busters affiliate Naraku Anjo, affectionately known as Anaru.
"Still no luck, huh?" Anaru asked with no ill intent, which didn't stop Tsuruko from interpreting it as such.
She began flying through profiles on her dating app while Anaru inquisitively leaned over the table to see. Tsuruko frustratedly pulled her phone away from prying eyes but Anaru got down from her stool and stepped over to the other side of the table and stood over her shoulder.
"You're being unusually picky" the busty redhead observed.
"What gives you the right…?" the plain girl in the white sundress began before Anaru continued her dissection. "A lot of the guys you're scrolling past are pretty average looking, and the ones you are giving 'likes' to are easily in the top fifth of the guys on the site"
"They're no different from the guys you date, Anaru"
"You make it sound like there's a lot" Anaru protested, not having the record of the kind of dude magnet Tsuruko clearly thought she was.
"…Or do you think there's some reason you can date handsome guys while I can't? Some quality that makes you good enough but not me?" she demanded to know.
"Why are you being such an ass to me? All these years later and you're still trying to remind you that you're a bitch? Like, yeah I know, and I'm still your friend. Now let me help you"
"What is your advice then?" Tsuruko asked, "What's you're secret to popularity with the guys?"
"I just think maybe you would do better if you lowered your standards a bit"
"Given the guys you date, that's clearly not a problem you have to worry about"
"A lot of the guys you don't give a second look to seem fine at first glance. You're ignoring a lot of guys who could be pretty decent. Look at that one" she said, gesturing towards the profile currently up on Tsuruko's phone screen, "He seems alright, doesn't he?"
Tsuruko scrolled past him.
"I can't be expected to just date anyone, I just don't connect with any of these guys. If I get into a bad relationship, how is that any better than where I am now? I want to make sure it's going to be worth my time"
"What about the guys you do match with? Have you went on dates with any of them?"
"I haven't had any matches" the bespectacled and cold mistress replied matter-of-factly.
Anaru's coffee dribbled down her chin. "What?"
Tsuruko glared at briefly. Anaru already had a boyfriend, so for her to act like it's so easy to get one felt condescending. There was an obvious reason why she had a much easier time than Tsuruko. She glanced at her chest as a concerned Anaru leaned over the table. Two reasons, she thought.
"How long have you been using the app?" she asked.
"Well, it's been six months since I lost interest in Yukiatsu…"
Anaru almost laughed at the "lost interest" part. "I'll concede, even for how selective you're being, that's unusually low. I'll grant that there's definitely something else going on. Whoever these guys are that aren't liking your profile, they don't appreciate what they're missing out on" she went on, trying to be supportive.
Anaru completed her diagnosis when she spotted one of the guys Tsuruko gave a 'like' to. He looked just like Yukiatsu. That's what this was really all about. She heard Tsuruko sigh to herself loudly, like she knew not too deep below the surface that she still loved Yukiatsu and suspected even Anaru saw through it. "I'm sorry" Tsuruko said quietly, "For being a bitch"
Anaru smiled, "I made peace with the fact that you're a bitch years ago and decided I was still going to be your friend anyway. But I appreciate the self-awareness, though"
Tsuruko had toyed with the idea of breaking off her friendship with Yukiatsu, but every time she felt like the pain was getting too much to bear, she thought about it and decided she was being over-dramatic and it wasn't really that bad. On some level she knew she just valued his friendship, or hell, even just his company, far too much to lose it.
Yukiatsu secretly won the war he didn't even know was going on in her mind. He had many female friends, but none he really considered friends. He couldn't speak with any of them for longer than an hour or two. Maybe it wasn't because they were all shallow people with beauty only on the outside but just because he was an asshole. He didn't have many friends besides Tsuruko, and rarely anyone he could tell his problems too. He'd never have trusted anyone else to know he occasionally wore a dress.
He likely wouldn't have known what he would do if he didn't have her. But he could simply never see himself dating her. If he were to settle down however, it would be with a girl who had her personality, that he could connect with on as deep an emotional level and whose company he could enjoy just as much, but more beautiful than Tsuruko.
"If you could fuck as many girls as Yukiatsu" said one of his larger and more boorish "friends" from work, "Then you would, it's as simple as that"
"Yeah" the shorter one who would clearly never experience something like that in his life concurred, "Why does he need to settle down?"
"I think it would be nice to have just one person" Yukiatsu said sheepishly. Responding to the looks he was beginning to get before they evolved into full reactions he elaborated, "It just makes sense that if you always have sex with the one person then you can learn what each other likes and the sex will get better"
He rambled a little more after this but neglected to go into the finer details; he would really like to have sex with someone he really cares about, but he had never found the person he thought would be right. In his mind the sex would be better if he could get emotionally invested in it, but he hadn't found the person he enjoyed spending time with beyond the end goal of getting them into bed. They would have to be someone as pretty and curvaceous as Anaru and as clever and quick-witted as Tsuruko.
It was fairly obvious to him at least that, not to fault his co-workers, he was the reason he got along with so few people.
Tsuruko's happiness had been circling the drain for a while, albeit not with any danger of leading to anything too dark, but it had reached its nadir and she was now plumbing the depths of her melancholy. Honestly, all she really needed was for Yukiatsu to give her a hug.
Yukiatsu began to wonder if he truly had nobody else to talk to. With her getting quieter and more distant, he started to worry that the tether would eventually stretch to its breaking point and she would disappear. When he got on the train he approached from behind towards his empty seat across the aisle, and leaned down, wrapping his arms around her winter coat.
Through the layers; her thin, woollen jumper, cute coat and scarf, he could feel the warmth of her blush radiating. The parts of her skin still visible were luminescent and he felt her joints loosen as she put her book down in front of her. He couldn't think of a way to tell her why he hugged her, at least not without it sounding cheesy. He was too hard on the surface to express how much she meant to him without being euphemistic. For lack of a good explanation, he said nothing and sat down.
The hug was only brief but Tsuruko wasn't ready to feel him let go of her; if he had hugged her for weeks on end she may not have even been ready to let it end. As soon as his grip loosened she felt an icy blast of air and shivered, a chill she felt in her heart itself.
"Are you're parents in tonight?" he asked her. "Is there someone back home for you to return to?"
"No" she said, "I'm just going to go in, put on some hot chocolate, sit under the kotatsu for a while and go to bed"
"Well" he replied. She looked up inquisitively to see he wasn't looking her. His cheeks were a little flushed. He continued, "We're both off work tomorrow, so do you want to come back to my place tonight?"
"Whaaa" she gesticulated in shock, "W-Where is this coming from?"
"Well, I feel like you haven't been yourself for a while now. I won't ask details if you don't want to tell me but I want to make sure you're ok tonight"
"I'll be fine" she said in a panic, "But thank you"
"You're coming back to my place tonight" he said, putting his foot down.
"Is this how you get all the other girls?" she asked sheepishly.
Inside Yukiatsu's house was quite warm, seemingly aside from drinks for women and train fares he spent his money by leaving his heating on while he was at work so he would have a warm house to return to. He changed into a t-shirt with a pair of knee-length shorts for sitting in his lounge. Tsuruko, underneath her winter coat and work uniform wasn't quite wearing much. As much as she'd be thrilled to have Yukiatsu see her this way, it'd likely make him quite uncomfortable. He loaned her a t-shirt and another pair of shorts for herself.
She sat on the sofa perpendicular to his with her hot chocolate in hand. It was getting dark, particularly with the sun setting early due to it being winter and, as Tsuruko wittily pointed out, if Japan is the Land of the Rising Sun, then it stands to reason it would also set there first. As the night began covering the city like a blanket to put the city to sleep, they put some TV on so Yukiatsu could show off his home video setup. Surround sound, a 62" screen, voice controlled and reclining seats.
"I can't believe this is the type of stuff you're into" Tsuruko complained.
"I asked what you wanted to watch and you said I could just pick what I would normally watch"
"From the habitual cross-dresser I should have imagined your taste in anime was similarly incongruous with your playboy image" she teased.
"What's wrong with the shows I watch? Sure" he said with a flustered tone, "it may not be the pinnacle of artistic merit but there must be enjoyment to be gained"
"It's not that I'm not enjoying it" she said, leaving out that she would hate to watch his generic harem rom-com shows alone but will have fun watching anything with Yukiatsu by her side, "I just hate these generic protagonists. They don't even put effort into the girls' motivations, they're just like "I love that he has two eyes, a mouth and a nose""
"It's so that the plain, average viewer can relate to them. You know that" he quipped.
"But I feel like I'm being bullshitted; everyone knows from experience that being a good person with a kind heart means nothing in terms of romantic pursuit. I'm supposed to hate the handsome sports star, prodigy with all the natural talent out of jealousy but he's really not the villain the show is making him out to be. I much prefer someone like him over the spineless lead"
Yukiatsu couldn't help but notice she might have been talking about someone like him. He knew she had feelings for him at some point, maybe she didn't anymore but it seemed she had a type. He suspected girls like her had trouble finding guys like him, unless the guy had some kind of glasses fetish. Her glasses were cute though, he thought.
He liked that she grew her hair back out, he much preferred it long. Her boobs left a lot to be desired but he liked how her legs looked when she crossed them. The knee-length shorts he loaned her rode up her thigh when she crossed them over. As she nestled into a comfortable position it was like the bare flesh of one leg was caressing the other. What it might feel like to be between them he thought.
Ugh. He was disgusted with himself. Why did she shave them? It was winter. Yukiatsu shaved bits and pieces here and there but that was for the ladies. She was single? Whose benefit was it for? Maybe it was just for her, he was overthinking it. It was really his own fault for being unable to think of them in a non-sexual way, and the further up her thigh he could see the less non-sexual it became in his mind. But she was a friend, and it was wrong to think of his friends in that way.
Tsuruko noticed Yukiatsu was quiet. Maybe he was contemplating her admittedly overshared musings on harem anime protagonists. He wasn't making eye contact. He was internally scolding himself for having such improper mental images about his friend. He glared coldly at the show they were watching, but he was annoyed at himself. Tsuruko would never have suspected and probably wished she could say she shaved them for him but she never anything of herself and would have never considered trying to look sexy for him. It all would have seemed fruitless.
She choked a little on her hot chocolate. As he realigned himself on the seat the shifting of his legs drew her eye over to see he was likely positioning himself to hide his erection. "It's big!" shrieked the voice in her head.
The following morning Yukiatsu was peaceful and rested, the knowledge that Tsuruko was in his house hit him immediately and he got up feeling like half a married couple. She wasn't in bed with him though, of course, although she would have relished the opportunity. Tsuruko never asked where she would sleep, she sat up and patiently waited for him to offer her and he said she could use his parents' bedroom while they were away.
Yukiatsu strolled towards the bathroom, noticing their bedroom door was still shut. He moved quietly, thinking he would wait up for her at first but deciding he would have his breakfast without her. She didn't bring any pyjamas or anything with her. What did she wear last night? Just her underwear? What did she normally wear? Maybe she didn't own pyjamas, maybe she always slept in just bra and panties. Or maybe less?
Yukiatsu shook his head to recalibrate, or like slapping a TV remote to make it work again. Tsuruko's towel was white with a golden lining around the edges. She leaned over to pick up her clothes and the towel rode up her legs when Yukiatsu saw her. Only a centimetre higher and he would have fainted.
"I'm so sorry!" he uncharacteristically shouted, raising his hands defensively, "I didn't see anything, it was an accident I swear!"
Tsuruko fluttered her eyelashes, "What are you so scared for? It was my mistake for forgetting to lock the door, I'm not upset"
She had a lot on her mind and couldn't autopilot her way through her morning shower like normal; having to actually consider each step of the process meant it was natural for her to miss a step. It worked out, she supposed, since she would have no reason to be upset if Yukiatsu saw her with less clothes on.
He lowered his hands and looked to see she wasn't even trying to cover up. She was just standing in her towel, her skin glistening, staring blankly at him in anticipation of his response. He adopted a similarly cool-headed posture.
"Ah, I understand. Not to worry" he said, trying to direct his eyes away to resist his lecherous side but not seem rude. He croaked, "Well, indeed, as you were"
He scratched the back of his head with nervous laughter and awkwardly made his way to the kitchen. Aside from replaying the moment in his mind on loop, recollecting and preserving snippets and images of his very brief glance, he puzzled over the many other questions that were raised. What was he feeling and why was he feeling that way?
If she was a profile on a dating app he'd have ignored her. She came through to the kitchen so they could eat breakfast together, having borrowed a hairdryer from Yukiatsu's mother, and he thought about how much sexier she looked with her wet hair, the individual strands messily lying over her eyebrows in a way that made her sultry like a princess. Even her cheeks seemed so soft, her fingers so delicate, her stare so serious yet graceful. This had always been true but, while he had noticed, simply never gave it any due consideration. To her she was simply eating breakfast, unaware of the gravity of what she was inflicting upon him.
Tsuruko finished her breakfast and Yukiatsu looked down to see his plate had barely been touched. He hurriedly tried to catch up, but it freaked him out that he had spent so long staring at her he didn't even notice how much time had passed. On the train back home from work the next day he tried to distract himself by looking out the window but he found his head turning to her. Eventually Tsuruko noticed his eyes, tilted so he was looking out the absolute corners only, fixated on the tiny strip of bare skin she had just above her thigh-high socks. He gulped.
Who could have thought? After all this time, he would consider himself lucky to have a girl as beautiful as Tsuruko. Maybe others wouldn't see her that way, and until a short while ago neither did he, but now he knew in his heart that was how he felt.
"Tsuruko" he said calmly, in his booming baritone.
"Yukiatsu?" she asked, turning to him.
It wasn't the night at his house or the towel that caused this. To him, it was just that he realised how much he felt at ease having her around. When they spoke, when they sat silently just a few feet apart he felt warm. His heart raced not like he wanted to get her into bed but he closer to her in whatever way he could.
He rose from the seat and crossed over the aisle, sitting in the window seat next to her.
"I don't suppose you mind if I sit here?" he asked.
"Of course not" she said. It was impossible to tell how she really felt about it. Her cheeks went a little flushed.
It felt so nice sitting this close. "This is what I want from now on" he said
"What do you mean?" she asked tentatively.
"To sit right next to you, right by your side. I liked feeling close to you like this"
"Yukiatsu"
"I'm in love with you"
"Are you trying to be funny?" she asked, with a playful tone like she was trying to humour him without embarrassing him.
She saw him looking deep into her eyes, his smiling lips parted, "If you feel uncomfortable, I've left you a path to the aisle. You can get off at your stop in just a minute and I'll understand. I won't say anything about this ever again. If you want to think it over, you can talk to me whenever you want. But it is all true, fully and from the bottom of my heart I love you"
She cleared her throat and looked down. She closed her book, adjusted her glasses and glanced back up at him. He wasn't nervous at all. He'd have been happy just for to let him graduated to the seat next to her on the train. He was looking forward, not to make her feel like he was waiting for her reply. She could have sat in awkward silence until the train reached the station and he would have kept that gentle smile on his face.
"Yukiatsu" she said, and he turned to her, "You said your parents aren't home tonight"
"That's right, they're away for a few days"
"So, do you have anyone to go back to tonight?"
"Not at all" he answered in a straightforward tone.
She smirked, and batted her eyelids, "You don't have any plans? Just to sit by yourself, all alone, thinking about how you got rejected by a girl?"
"I have a very free schedule right now if that's what you mean. I'm sure I can find some time to reflect. Think about what to do next"
"I guess you have a lot of introspection to do" she said with a smile, "It'd be a shame if someone were there to distract you from your busy night"
"Indeed it would be"
Just past her head, the train doors closed, and the carriage began to rumble as it left Tsuruko's stop behind.
They both relaxed into their seats. Nothing needed to be said, there was a sense of relief and resolution washing over them. Tsuruko leaned into Yukiatsu, resting her head against his shoulder. She left out a long sigh. Was this it over? What was she doing wrong before? What had she done right this time? What could she have done all that time ago? To Yukiatsu she had done enough. There was nothing else.