Prompt from the Ace Attorney Kink Meme, see the uncensored version of this story here (explicit content warning): pw-kink-meme-archiv dot dreamwidth dot org/436 dot html?thread=73140#cmt73140
"A-ha-ha-ha-ha!" the laughter of the nefarious Mask DeMasque boomed around the museum! "Try again another day, gentlemen!"
The searchlights shone into the sky, just in time to catch the fiend fly away with the Portrait of Mejeena!
"Curses!" snarled the great detective Luke Atmey. He took his monocle from his face and peered through it into the darkness. It was all for theatrics, though, for he knew precisely where the painting was to be dropped off.
Taking care not to be seen, Atmey abandoned the helpless pack of puppies he called the police and leapt into the Zvarrimobile and drove down the street. He parked the car outside an alleyway near an unassuming grocery store and opened the car door. However, as he stepped out, his foot pressed against some dog shit that had been carelessly left right next to the wheel.
"Disgusting!" said Atmey. He scooped up the trodden fecal matter and intended to perform a DNA analysis to identify the dog who dropped it and punish the owner with fines and prison time. But that was a task for another day. He turned and approached the alley with caution.
"Ron?" he hissed. "Ron!"
There was no response, to Atmey's great irritation. Was the boy running late? Or did he leave the painting unguarded? Atmey shook his head, the boy was more capable than that! He marched into the alleyway, hoping to at least find the painting - and the painting he found! But it was what lay next to it that alarmed him!
"Ron!" Atmey shrieked, for his accomplice lay unconscious, with a dark bruise on his face. And then, Atmey himself hit the floor after suffering a devastating blow to the back of the head. But Atmey was more resilient than his pathetic friend and remained conscious as his assailant stuck his hands through his pockets, pulling out a pair of handcuffs and shackling his hands behind his back.
"How dare you... who goes there! I am the legendary Luke Atm-"
"Silence, TROLL!" his attacker screamed so loud that both Atmey's ears and his carrot nose started ringing. His vision was blurry, but he struggled to identify this man. He could make out a deluxe green suit and a blue tie, and his hair was black and combed over...
Atmey gasped. This was no ordinary thug - this was the great ace attorney, John Phoenix!
John Phoenix grabbed Atmey by the neck and pressed him against the wall. Atmey was loath to show weakness so he tried to grin through it, but the lawyer was choking him and he was at the threshold of unconsciousness!
"Oh? You are grinning? Do you LIKE this, Detective Luke Atmey?" John Phoenix tightened his grip on the detective's scrawny neck. Atmey never thought he'd be at the mercy of this living legend.
Then, John Phoenix released him. He released him because he did not want to kill him. Killing him would be considered murder and he only did that to people he didn't like and were useless to him.
John Phoenix knelt by the fraudulent investigator who was now breathing heavily.
"Your deceptions do not faze me, "detective." I took one look at you and 45 seconds later I realized you were a charlatan, thus I hid in the trunk of your car, knowing you would take me to the stolen item's location. Then, when the car stopped, I threw a piece of dog shit I found in People Park right where you were going to step out of the car. This gave me the time I needed to go into the alleyway and knock out your assistant. You are nothing to me, Luke Atmey."
Luke Atmey glared icy daggers at the brilliant defense attorney. He moved to punch, but his hands were still bound and he finally understood his helplessness.
He scowled and bowed his head, a tear forming in his eye.
"I-I'm sorry. I am a hack, a fraud, a charlatan, a buffoon, but please do not kill me!" he cried. Atmey refused to die in this shameful manner.
John Phoenix took Atmey by the collar.
"I want your painting."
"What- why?"
"It's pretty. I shall hang it on my wall."
"But-but it's a stolen artefact, are you sure that's a good idea?"
"Yes. I'm John fucking Phoenix, nobody will question it."
Atmey nodded timidly. John Phoenix looked at the painting with a grin. Only he deserved such a pleasure.